(Understand that we're not really this materialistic, it's just that we needed a metaphor to start out this post and I figured that the whole "Christmas Present" theme would work best.)
Jamey Carroll: life-long scrappy infielder with a mediocre bat seems like...well...almost every infielder we've signed in the last decade or so, making this signing the equivalent of Santa delivering his annual pair of wool socks. Some might mock the fact that "Jamey" and "Carol" are two common names for girls, leading to all sorts of "The Twins' shortstop throws like a girl!" jokes, but we'll take the high road and assume that Carroll overcompensates for his names by being an inveterate badass.
Josh Willingham: we totally understand that Willingham is the low budget version of Michael Cuddyer, same age, equivalent defense, more consistent offense, less cost and for that reason he makes sense for baseball. However, we don't always root for teams based on logical, rational reasons--and logic and rationality melt away anytime we see Cuddy's dimples. So, until he rockets to fame and excellence in our hearts he will be known simply as "Not Michael Cuddyer".
Jason Marquis: Hey look, it's a strong, veteran pitcher who will eat up innings and maybe notch a few wins before the year is up. Valuable as that is, I'm mostly pumped for the fact that his last name makes me think of the antiquated nobility title: "Marquis" (Marquis de Sade, Marquis of Queensbury, etc.) This allows for the stupid easy photoshop of: the Marquis de Marquis.
Minor-Leaguer Grab Bag: This year, like many other years, the Twins helped themselves to the big ol' bin of cheap minor-league talent to keep the Rochester Red Wings competitive and hopefully protect us in the event we have to make twenty some DL moves again next year (please, sweet lord, no). With that in mind we know have infielder Pedro Florimon, pitchers Terry Doyle, PJ Walters and Daniel Turpen, near-miss prospects JR Towles and Steve Pearce, and come-back kid Sean Burroughs. Hopefully this list turns out more like the Magnificent 7 and less like the 7 Dwarves, but one way or another we'll probably see someone here at Target Field before the summer is up...whether we call them "Dopey" or "Steve McQueen-esque" is up to them.