Peanuts From Heaven

The Grim Goodbye

2012-02-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

Nice sandwich, buddy

I've written before that one of the things I like best about baseball is the sense of family that surrounds a franchise and a team and a community. You can draw a direct line through the annual rosters: from my mother watching Tony Oliva in the bleachers at Met stadium as a kid, to my grandfather enjoying box seats with Rod Carew and Roy Smalley in the infield. From my brothers and I getting our first taste of big league ball with Kirby and Kent Hrbek under the dome (and still loving an annual game when the "stars" were Chuck Knoblauch and Matt Lawton), to the perpetual October excitement on my college campus as Torii led the rejuvenation and then passed the baton to Morneau and Mauer.

It feels like the Twins are a part of my family and when you see Tony O. smiling next to his sandwiches and Hrbek pouring beers and Torii gushing about the best pancakes in town, it's easy to forget that not every relationship with beloved stars ends like this. Growing up in the mountain west it was easy to cheer for Karl Malone and the Utah Jazz...now they may not even want to be mentioned in the same sentence. Peyton Manning seemed likely to be buried in a blue and white Colts jersey and now the media is ablaze with rumors about where he will land next. Oh, and speaking of ablaze...

Thing is, you don't really see that at Target Field. We've said goodbye to our share of stars, but next season you'll see plenty of "Hunter 48"s and "Santana 57"s and "Cuddyer 5"s dotting the stands. And in ten years--when we sit back and reminisce about our run of division championships in the aughts--it's easy to imagine each alumnus throwing out a first pitch, sitting next to Dick Bremer for an inning, being polite and proudly cheered whenever they turn up.

So is that we don't care enough? That our players are so aware of our mild-mannered Minnesota-Niceness that they don't feel a need to get hot and bothered either? That the media is so ambivalent about our "small-market" that Joe Mauer could launch into an obscenity laced tirade against umpires, Bud Selig and TC Bear, without prompting so much as a three-second drop in on Sportscenter?

Actually, I think it's just that we haven't been forced into the situation that the Jazz and the Colts have faced. In each case there was a superstar athlete, a career-long member of the family who, for one reason or another, felt that management didn't want them around any more; and who, for one reason or another, management pretty much...didn't want around any more. It is as close to a sports divorce as you can find.

Strange but true

After all those years of adulation and affection to suddenly hear that your services are no longer required is a rough business. And it's not surprising that premier athletes, who have had every reason to be confident in their greatness from the age of 17 on, believe they can go another season and another and another. But when that belief contradicts management's assessment the battle for custody of the fan's affection begins. If the fans side with the player, there is a good chance of bronze statues and special ceremonies for your twilight years; if fans side with management...well...you get Hank Aaron the Brewer and Greg Maddux the Dodger. The Twins haven't had any of these bad breakups, we allow players in their prime venture out in search of wealth and fame and fortune; sad to see them go but grateful for the time we had together.

Of course, that may all change soon. After all, we love Justin Morneau, the big walloping Canuck who can hold down first base like a goalie. Heck, Stinky used to plot ways of getting him to her place (this of course was prior to our marriage). But Morneau's about to turn 31, he's missed large parts of the last three seasons with back and concussion issues and at a certain point you wonder if the Twins will say: "sorry big guy, you're done here." Already the drumbeat has started, people hope for the best and then mention, Chris Parmalee as an insurance policy, and hey, Derek Lee's still out there, could we maybe...? We can't help but think about the future and admit (however grudgingly) that this can't last. (I won't even mention the mutterings about the other half of the M&M boys)

Other bloggers can break down the factors that feed into the Twins decision making process; what in house options we have, what other franchises might be willing to take on the salary risk now or in the near future. But I'm not as concerned with that as I am with the franchise's family and with postponing a grim goodbye as long as possible. I want Justin to succeed because he's part of the lineage now and I'd rather keep him for the consistency of the clubhouse rather than wash our hands of him because of recent issues. What's more, I know that there will be a day when Morneau can be appreciated as a happy memory to be recalled with fondness rather than as a potential lynchpin of our lineup that causes worry and consternation. And when Stinky and I have a child or grandchild sitting beside us in the nosebleeds telling them about the good ol' days and drawing the line from our favorites to the current stars, I hope that, like Tony and Kent, and Torii that Morneau will want to come back, to throw out a ceremonial pitch to the new young guns, to reminisce in sepia tones about the good ol' days.

After all he's part of the family, and who really likes to say goodbye to family?

If Baseball Were More Like Football

2012-02-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

While millions of people around the globe are coming together tonight in order to worship the dueling gods of pigskins, cheesy dips for starchy snacks and advertisements featuring scantily clad females, I am spending it as I have spent many of the last few Super Sundays: waiting for pitchers and catchers to report.

However, my devotion to baseball and disdain for football is not terribly common among modern day sports fans, and I've often heard people whine that "if baseball were more like football I'd watch it more often..." So I thought it might be interesting to explore just what it would be like if baseball was indeed more like football.

If baseball was more like football...

Batting 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th...

your offense would just hand off the bat to the same dominating hitter again and again and again, but with the best hitters averaging success 3 out of 10 times--scores would drop dramatically.

your defense would be more concerned with finding ways to blindside the batter before he got out of the box than with catching the ball.

every single play would end with an absurd amount of capering about the field: slashing throats for successful bunts; thumping chests after catching a routine pop-up; skipping, hopping, and waving arms to the multitudes after an intentional walk.

managers would feel obliged to come up with mass substitutions of absurdly specialized position players (i.e. a third-and-long-pulling guard turns into a two-out-right-handed-shift-second-baseman).

an entire nation of pundits would foam at the mouth for four months about one player's unconventional style of throwing the ball, and legions of otherwise rational people would blow a gasket with unwavering certainty that an unusual player sucks.
the greatest players of all time would be just as likely to retire to pursue acting careers and avoid life altering injuries as they would be to become legends.

the seventh-inning stretch would extend to a seventh-inning nap as bands march across the outfield, cheerleaders shimmy around the foul territory and fading pop stars croon a set from the pitcher's mound.

your manager would spend more time scowling at the voices coming through his headset and less time having gloriously goofy temper tantrums at home plate.

Option A: Fat man looks sad Option B: Fat man looks crazy

Easy choice...

teams would have to huddle to pick plays before each pitch ("okay, hit the ball on two, hit the ball on two...ready?...Break!")

--worst of all--the championship of a six month long season full ups and downs, twists and turns, would be reduced to "that-thing-that's-on-in-the-background-while-everybody-talks-about-a Budwieser-commercial."

What do you think? Am I missing out on a glorious alterante reality, or did I forget something that would drive you similarly crazy (leave a comment below! And don't forget to vote on the next members of the Heavenly Peanuts Hall of Fame (ballot at right)

2012-01-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

Since the teacher in me has the day off today, but the baseball fan (as always) does not, I thought it might be interesting to write a little on race and baseball in Minnesota. It's is a subject we don't think about it too much, and to squash our thoughts about it into one day a year may be a bit of a disservice, but the Twins do have many sincere stewards of the game, from Kirby and Dave Winfield's work supporting the RBI League to honest and serious community builders like Torii Hunter and Denard Span. It feels like we've done well.

St. Paul Colored Gophers (1909?)

Yet, for all the fuzzy feelings about our team today, it's unfortunate that the Twins' history in Minnesota begins with an unpleasant truth. The Washington Senators, having faded from the glory of their days with Walter Johnson and Goose Goslin, were eager to move out of their home in the nation's capital. The team was only marginally profitable, the rosters were full of the marginally talented (and Harmon Killebrew), but the full reasons weren't clear until the 1970s when owner Calvin Griffith explained:

"I'll tell you why we came to Minnesota. It was when we found out you only had 15,000 blacks here. Black people don't go to ballgames, but they'll fill up a rassling ring and put up such a chant it'll scare you to death. We came here because you've got good, hardworking white people here." (Source here)

Griffith may have hemmed and hawed about this, claiming misquotation, libel and the old "it-was-a-joke" routine, but that seems unlikely. Brad Snyder's excellently researched Beyond the Shadow of the Senators explains how, despite Hall of Fame calibre talent on the Negro League squad who shared Griffith Stadium with the Senators (Josh Gibson, Satchel Paige and Buck Leonard to name but three), the Senators owners refused to integrate their team either when these players were at the peak of their talents (and the Senators were desperate for talent) or for seven years after Jackie Robinson debuted, thereby dooming their team in Washington DC and necessitating the move to Minneapolis.

Twin Cities Colored Giants

That our Twins were born of such short-sighted narrow-mindedness is unfortunate, but if there is a comfort it rests in the fact that Calvin Griffith was an ignorant shmo. Because while our minority population may be small, we've long been able to support minority baseball as well as anybody else.

The truth is that African-Americans have been a part of baseball in Minnesota for far longer than the Griffiths could ever be (see Steve Hoffbeck's excellent chronicle of black-baseball in Minnesota). The same year Moses "Fleet" Walker was playing for Toledo, Bud Fowler was playing second base for Stillwater. From George Wilson and Billy Holland with Waseca, to Alex Irwin and Milroy McCune with the Minneapolis Keystones, to stars Ted "Double Duty" Radcliffe and the visionary Andrew "Rube" Foster, citizens (both black and white) turned up to see games and players and teams throughout Minnesota.

The Twin Cities supported two Negro League squads including the Twin Cities Colored Giants and the St. Paul Colored Gophers, and fans came and cheered because they liked the game and-- regardless of what the Griffiths' might have believed--the support was there for good baseball no matter who played it and no matter who was allowed in to watch it.

Let's pretend he was ours

Even later, after integration began, Minneapolis and St. Paul warmly welcomed stars in the making Roy Campanella and Willie Mays. The enticing white crowds the Griffiths wanted were excited and dedicated to pitchers like Mudcat Grant and Les Straker, they had affinities for role players like Chili Davis and Shane Mack, and they worshipped the centerfield legend: Kirby Puckett.

These are our teams and our players and, as fans, the gulf between cheering for one or the other never seems quite as great as the Griffith's made it seem. It's easy to say that, as an old Baseball Magazine put it: "[all men are equal] at a ballgame: banker and bricklayer, lawyer and common laborer." But in reality, I'm writing from a very different time than the Griffiths. And though fans today excitedly look past many of our largest differences we are prone to forget the challenges and struggles and accomplishments that people like Fowler, Wilson, McCune and others had to go through to build the enduring legacy for players like Denard Span and Ben Revere and fans like all of us.

Today is a day to remember more than the successes and the struggles of race relations throughout our country. It's more than a time to cringe at Calvin Griffith's quote or puff ourselves up with some of our history. We can be satisfied with how far we've come and appreciative of how seriously we take our heritage, but we can also consider what comes next: maybe the Twins might hire an African-American manager, or maybe we'll hire an African-American GM to take over after Terry Ryan. But above all we can continue the work of Kirby Puckett, and Denard Span and St. Paul's own Dave Winfield and encourage local kids to pursue their goals through athletics and work ethic and teamwork.

This is more than a day off, it's a call to action and at the risk of being a preachy teacher, it's not just what Dr. King might have dreamed of, or what Rube Foster might have imagined, but what we can all do personally, locally and immediately to help our community.

You're Good...But are you Plaque Good?

2012-01-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

While voting continues for the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame (see widget at the right), today marks the announcement of the inductees to that OTHER baseball hall of fame: the one that places "accomplishment" and "excellence" above nobler pursuits like "amusing us" and "inspiring goofy photoshops." (Seriously--vote for the most amusing Twins who left the team this last year and do it now!)

Last year the Baseball Hall of Fame enshrined Bert Blyleven (two years after we did, it should be noted), and Bert's special day became a highlight in an otherwise stinktastic Twins season. This warm and fuzzy memory led us to wonder if another Twins legend could get the call and brighten up our summers in the near future.

After all, if the Cubs had four Hall of Famers {Ernie Banks, Ferguson Jenkins, Billy Williams, Ron Santo} on their roster during a period of time where they won absolutely nothing (1966-1971), then you would assume that the Twins might have had two or three serious candidates during a five year span (02-06) of four division titles.

So we did a very un-Peanutly thing and crunched a few numbers (hopefully correctly). Using Baseball-Reference.com's list of all time Wins over Replacement (WAR) leaders, we compared a few favorite Twins to the top 100 Hall of Famers and similar players who haven't been elected to Cooperstown yet. We figured if Wins over Replacement tell you how valuable and effective certain players are, and if the voters for the Hall of Fame become nerdier and more SABR-metric-y in the next decade or so (SPOILER: they will), then comparing our current player's WAR/Season against those of the game's legends should give us a sense of their chances. Here's how a few favorites stack up.

Hall of Fame WAR/Season Average: 4.68; Pitchers--4.68; Hitters--4.46
Non-Inductees WAR/Season Avg.: 3.86; Pitchers 3.86; Hitters--4.04 (subtract admitted/named steroid users and it's 3.86)

Classic Twins

Jim Kaat (1.65) and Tony Oliva (2.83) are frequently mentioned as "could be" inductees who are just waiting on their chums on the veteran's committee to give them the thumbs up. The problem is that both Oliva and Kaat rate below their peers already in the hall on overall WAR, even when you account for Oliva's short peak his per season WAR rates below all but three of the top 100 (Carlton Fisk, Harmon Killebrew and the immortal Bobby Wallace). So, our suggestion is for Kaat and Oliva to bake some cookies, or cakes or coquitos and woo some of their old playing buddies.

Jack Morris (2.18) is perhaps the best pitcher on the ballot this year but after getting a little more than 50% of the vote last year seems unlikely to leap up to the 75% thresh hold for induction. It doesn't help matters that Morris rates below all current hall of famers and a whole bunch of others who will get on the ballot next year. While we love Black Jack for his broadcasting and St. Paul roots and buying a ranch house near my childhood home and for the sheer genius of Game 7 it looks like he might be waiting longer for a call from Cooperstown longer than I waited for a call from the head cheerleader (wait was that a burn on Morris...or me?).

When you look at this year's ballot and realize that Brad Radke (3.14) is on it, you might feel, that time is a fleeting thing. Bradke hasn't been gone that long has he? 5 years, really? Sure enough the Twins' work horse is officially out to pasture and pretty well guaranteed of being chucked from the ballot with little consideration. Sure he's a local favorite and our judgement might cloud our judgement--but is worth noting that he has a better per season WAR over his relatively brief career than Curt Schilling, Tom Glavine and John Smoltz. Of course those guys all have fancy hardware on their mantlepieces and World Series rings on their fingers and Radke, you know, doesn't. (Sorry, Brad)

Current Players, Future Balloteers

While Radke's contributions to our run of success were important, he wasn't at his best then, and indeed some of those who were young and vital to the team are still playing, compiling stats and dreaming of that little Bronze Plaque.

Hugs make missing the Hall of Fame feel less painful

Torii Hunter (2.12) stuck around for all four of those early division winners as he nears the twilight of his career he's a long way away from enshrinement levels (but he will be a free agent next winter, HINT-HINT). Ditto Joe Nathan (2.01), because while standards for closers are different than for other players, our beloved Dread Pirate will always be known to writers outside of the Midwest as "that really good closer who wasn't Mariano Rivera." Justin Morneau (2.17) is an interesting case because, while he had a stellar three-year-run, he also has been pretty much lost two years in his prime. If he'd been healthy and consistent during that time he might be approaching consideration...as is he seems like a Canadian Roger Maris. (No offense intended to either Morneau or Maris--that would be a good, though somber, three-four combination.)

The real talk has to start with Johan Santana (4.23), you know, that ace pitcher we bade farewell a few years ago--without whom our rotation has never really been the same--not that we're bitter or hold a grudge or anything. With just 11 years in the league Senor Santana has a solid WAR and WAR/Season, he's a little behind the top 100 average but well ahed of the guys who are about to get on the ballot. (Schilling, Glavine, Smoltz, Randy Johnson, etc.) He'll need to come back from shoulder surgery, but if he acquits himself well for the next three or four years he can show off his two Cy Youngs and have a great shot at immortalization (and seriously...no way he goes in with a Mets cap).

But the man we'll most likely be seeing on the walls of Cooperstown with the interlocking TC on his hat is Joseph Patrick Mauer (5.04). Sure there's a lot to be seen as he returns from pneumonia/knee surgery/bilateral leg weakness and hits in the middle of a fairly unprotective line-up and tries to catch and hit and do all those Mauery things, but here's the deal: through 8 seasons Mauer's WAR/Season is better than Johnny Bench, Jimmie Fox, Napolean Lajoie and Mel Ott; just a hair behind Frank Robinsons. Even with a sharp decline in his last two years he should best the Hall Average and be ready to deliver a speech full of scintillating Mauerisms "You know...umm...I'm really glad to...you know...umm...be here with...umm..you know..."(Sorry Joe, we kid because we love!)

Blessings on you my...you know...children

Stocking Stuffers

2011-12-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

This year, the Twins seem to have forgone any big splashy signings (the baseball equivalent of cars with big red bows on them) and supplemented the line-up with smaller signings...stocking stuffers if you will. So lets take a look at what Terry Claus has brought us and analyze it both in terms of the baseball and in terms of our sophomoric mockery!

(Understand that we're not really this materialistic, it's just that we needed a metaphor to start out this post and I figured that the whole "Christmas Present" theme would work best.)

Jamey Carroll: life-long scrappy infielder with a mediocre bat seems like...well...almost every infielder we've signed in the last decade or so, making this signing the equivalent of Santa delivering his annual pair of wool socks. Some might mock the fact that "Jamey" and "Carol" are two common names for girls, leading to all sorts of "The Twins' shortstop throws like a girl!" jokes, but we'll take the high road and assume that Carroll overcompensates for his names by being an inveterate badass.

Ryan Doumit: since the Pittsburgh Pirates are our official National League team, we're delighted to have a former Bucco in the dugout--especially when he can be a catcher, first baseman or right fielder who hits well. We hope that he's willing to become our new Dread Pirate--since Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has shuffled off to Arlington, after a decade in Pittsburgh, seafaring treachery should be natural for him, right?

Josh Willingham: we totally understand that Willingham is the low budget version of Michael Cuddyer, same age, equivalent defense, more consistent offense, less cost and for that reason he makes sense for baseball. However, we don't always root for teams based on logical, rational reasons--and logic and rationality melt away anytime we see Cuddy's dimples. So, until he rockets to fame and excellence in our hearts he will be known simply as "Not Michael Cuddyer".

Jason Marquis: Hey look, it's a strong, veteran pitcher who will eat up innings and maybe notch a few wins before the year is up. Valuable as that is, I'm mostly pumped for the fact that his last name makes me think of the antiquated nobility title: "Marquis" (Marquis de Sade, Marquis of Queensbury, etc.) This allows for the stupid easy photoshop of: the Marquis de Marquis.

Minor-Leaguer Grab Bag: This year, like many other years, the Twins helped themselves to the big ol' bin of cheap minor-league talent to keep the Rochester Red Wings competitive and hopefully protect us in the event we have to make twenty some DL moves again next year (please, sweet lord, no). With that in mind we know have infielder Pedro Florimon, pitchers Terry Doyle, PJ Walters and Daniel Turpen, near-miss prospects JR Towles and Steve Pearce, and come-back kid Sean Burroughs. Hopefully this list turns out more like the Magnificent 7 and less like the 7 Dwarves, but one way or another we'll probably see someone here at Target Field before the summer is up...whether we call them "Dopey" or "Steve McQueen-esque" is up to them.

Wish you were here

2011-12-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

It's a holiday special post here at Peanuts From Heaven. While this time of the year is normally associated with large shiny objects with big bows on them, we've always more inclined to spend these days appreciating our loved ones. With both our families in spitting distance from our condo, we have plenty of family to spend the day with: parents can help us reminisce, siblings will goof off with us, and pets will allow us to dress them up in adorable elfin costumes.

As much as we love the family, we peanuts can't help but think about those who aren't around any more.- And after this year as Twins fans there are lots of old favorites who are not around the land of 10,000 lakes. We love our baseball family, and while we know there's little point in reminiscing, we can't help but feel like the right thing to do is share our gratitude for the years of entertainment and amusement that some of our (now former) twins gave us. So, today we'd like to send out our year end thank you cards to those erstwhile members of the Minnesota 9 who now find themselves playing elsewhere.

Dear Jim Thome,

Our thoughts exactly, Delmon

Thank you for being our very own Paul Bunyan slugger. We know you were hoping that we could win the World Series for you and that didn't come close to happening. But knowing that you'd turn up every day, behave like a pro, and occasionally try out a Minnesota accent makes you awesome. We hope you enjoy Philadelphia (kiss the Liberty Bell for us).

Dear Delmon Young,
Thank you for being the inspiration of one of our earliest gimmicks here at PFH: Supraction. If anyone encapsulated the fine Twins art of accidentally doing something good in a way that left the opponents surprised, distracted and utterly incapable of withstanding our offensive assault, it was you (probably because nobody expected you to do anything impressive...ever). Sure you could be prickily and you ordered your Johnny Walker Blue with 7-Up, but you were ours and for that we're grateful.

Blagheragh

Dear Joe Nathan,
Thank you for the horse flutters, and the arm pumping and the stand up and shout and giving us the feeling that if we could just have the lead after the 8th inning then we should be victorious. It's hard to believe that you're turning in your Lake Calhoun piracy for the chance to eat brisket in Dallas, but we'll wish you well (unless you forget to bring us some brisket when the Rangers come to town)

Dear Kevin Slowey,

Slowey and Mijares at left, after their capture by
a villainous pirate umpire

Thank you for asking out my old co-worker. I'm sorry she turned you down. Thank you for appearing on the Onion. I'm sorry the show was cancelled shortly after your appearance. Best of luck in Colorado, we hope they have more willing single ladies and a greater appreciation of your grisly sense of humor.

Dear Jose Mijares,
Thank you for never suing us for defamation of character despite repeated reference to the whole "Pretty Princess Mijares" character. You're truly an understanding gentleman. Enjoy Kansas City, we have a hunch you'll like the barbecue down there.

Dear Jason Kubel,
Thank you for all your tireless work raising awareness about the "Running is Stupid" campaign. Your power-hitting/slow-trotting around the basepaths was a valuable combination and we hope more of the ground-ball prone rookies in the organization take your lead and swing for the fences. We hope that they savor your smirk in Arizona.

Dear Jim Hoey,
Thank you for...ummm...uhh....thank you for not minding that we can't think of anything to thank you for.

Dear Michael Cuddyer,
Thank you. For the great throws from right field. For the consistent clubhouse leadership. For the powerful bat. For the dimples, and the startling catches, and the clutch hitting, and the willingness to play 2nd base, and 1st, and center, and pitcher. Thank you for magic tricks. Thank you for charity work. Thank you for grit and pluck and pre-game line-up cards. Thank you for being the guy we wanted to see in the batter's box; because you looked so calm, hit so well, and took the team's success so much to heart. Thank you for seeming like the player who would most likely smile bemusedly at our shenanigans. Thank you.

This photoshop is officially retired...*tear*

We've said our thank you's and we meant them all. If you want to thank any of these guys a little more please vote in the poll at the right for the next class of Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Famers (a hall of fame for those who weren't necessarily the best, but were the most entertaining part of a Twins game). You can vote for as many players as you want as many times as you want.

Next week we'll come back with that other part of the holiday season: comparing all the cool stuff/free agents we now have. But for now we hope you savor the holiday whereever you are...and oh yeah, thank you for reading, whomever you are.

A Fistful of Transactions: The 2011 Winter Meeting Recap Post

2011-12-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

Time for one of our many December traditions here at PFH: a recap* of all that went down in the Twins-o-verse during the recent Winter Meetings.

*Note: for our purposes "recap" means wild dramatization of events based on hearsay, conjecture and good ol' fashioned irresponsible journalism (see previous years examples here, here and here)

Here's our report.

MONDAY
10:03 AM Terry Ryan arrives at his first Winter Meetings in almost five years to discover that all the other GMs have gotten super cliquey, moved into separate cabins and won't let Ryan eat lunch or join bracelet weaving anymore.

1:21 PM After a few hours of aimlessly wandering the corridors of the Hilton Anatole, wondering if he's made a huge mistake coming back to GM land, Ryan grabs infielder Pedro Florimon and a $16 box of jellybeans from Batimore's minibar. He feels much better about himself.

Welcome back Minnesota Capps

4:42 PM Negotiations to bring closer Matt Capps back to the Twin Cities nearly break down when, in a sweltering hotel room, Ryan asks an aide to "turn on the fans" and the aide turns on a twitter feed of bloggers and ticket holders berating Capps. Leading to an awkward silence

7:35 PM The awkward silence ends when Capps says, "meh, they'd probably say that anywhere. You've got a deal!"

7:36 PM The Capps news hits the internet and the entire state of Minnesota hits its collective head on its computer screens

TUESDAY
8:18 AM After reading the various hyperbolic reactions of those in the Twins bloggery/fan community, Ryan faces reporters. Instead of answering questions, he simply stares sternly and with a measure of disappointment until everyone hangs their head in shame and promises to try being nicer to Matt Capps.

Ham AND Tomatoes?!?

10:47-11:35 AM Ryan intiates a long brunch bartering session with executives from Denver, nearly getting a trade of Kevin Slowey in exchange for exclusive rights to the Denver Omelette. Sadly, Rockies staff members realize that the Denver Omelette is worth far more than Kevin Slowey but do agree to the trade in exchange for a player to be named later and an extra serving of cantaloupe.

3:19 PM Feeling like he's on a roll, Ryan decides to take a run at signing Michael Cuddyer, offering him a three-year deal of for $24 million dollars per year and full amnesty from diaper duty for his new twin daughters.

8:02 PM With most of the major goals of the winter meetings accomplished, Twins front office people begin suggesting TV shows to replace Lost in their annual all-night DVD marathons (a tradition instituted by Bill Smith). Though Terry Ryan is initially hesitant, the vast repository of options on Netflix Instant Queue leaves him staring goggly-eyed through three seasons of Friday Night Lights.

WEDNESDAY
9:51 AM Believing Friday Night Lights to be based on a true story (like the movie and book of the same name) Ryan begins driving to College Station to recruit Brian "Smash" Williams to consider signing with the Twins minor league system as an athletic reserve outfielder in the Ben Revere mold (only with a better arm).

2:36 PM Ryan sadly realizes that Williams is a fictional character...but that Blue Baker sandwiches, pizza and cookies are AMAZING.

6:19 PM In a last ditch attempt to sway Mark Buehrle away from signing with the Miami Marlins, the Twins front office sends a glossy recruitment package to Buerhle advertising the tonnage of fried food available at the state fair, the prominent bike paths, lack of serial killers and nearly 85 days of livable weather.

11:22 PM Buehrle informs the Twins that he is passing.

THURSDAY

Stupid Economist...

7:50 AM Stinging from Buehrle's rejection, Ryan puts together an incredibly complex offer to get Albert Pujols & CJ Wilson involving default credit swaps, bundled home mortgages, averaging out to 22 Million Euros per year.

9:29 AM Before signing this deal, Pujols and Wilson see a recent cover of The Economist (pictured Right) and instead go to Los Angeles, because nobody's dreams of stardom and success ever fail in Los Angeles.

10:18 AM Having learned a valuable lesson from the foolishness of pursuing overpriced free agents with silly promises, Terry Ryan goes back to what he knows best: drafts Terry Doyle from the White Sox in the Rule V draft, agrees to take Daniel Turpen as the player to be named later from Colorado, and grabs a new batting helmet to hold all his cantaloupe.

12:22 PM With his mouth full of cantaloupe, Ryan describes the winter meetings as "productive."

Everything's Bigger in Texas

2011-12-04T16:55:00.000-08:00

Especially the bargains!!

Yes, it's time for our annual Winter Meeting's preview post, in which we highlight what we expect to see happen during the annual three day rumor-a-thon in one of the nation's finest Hilton Hotels. For this first time we're going to see blog about the way business is done under Terry Ryan rather than would-be-Rico--Suave Pick-Up Artist/GM Bill Smith.

Thus far, the current offseason has confirmed my old sense that Terry Ryan shops for major league talent in much the same way that my grandmother shops for furniture at IKEA. See, our peanuty grandma has two golden rules when it comes to shopping: first, it has to be practical, and second it has to be "terribly on sale" to justify the expense (no matter how small). So, naturally grandma loves IKEA, get in, go directly to the section you need, pick the best option at the best price and get out; no dithering over the upholstery, no hemming and hawing over which would fit best: get the one you need, get it cheap, get out.

C'mon Target Field, make this happen

Terry Ryan operates the same way. Sure you really need that short stop to tie the middle infield together, but don't go ogling the ruby-encrusted ottoman that is Jose Reyes, Jamey Carroll will do just fine, thank you very much! The Yankees might dither over whether to get a mahogany or Brazilian teak back-up backstop; the Twins get a Doumit and have enough change left over to treat the whole family to Swedish meatballs.

Terry's very disappointed
that you've been so mean to
Matt Capps

So expect much the same this week as the front office heads to Dallas for the Winter Meetings. Other teams will be debating just how fancy to get in their wheelings and dealings, and Terry Ryan will keep on doing what he does best: staying practical and finding deals. So with that in mind, and in the spirit of the Lone Star State's lone star, here's our 5 point prediction for Uncle Terry's Bargain Hunting in Big D.

#1---Sign Matt Capps to be closer for 1 year for $1.5 million and 2 body guards
Bill Smith fell victim to last year's big fad in bullpen decorating: hard-throwing, somewhat-erratic, right handers. Terry Ryan does not like fads and without the time to snooker the San Francisco Giants into giving us another Joe Nathan, so Uncle Terry says: "we'll make do with the budget option and public opinion be damned; you fans were raised better than that...shape up or ship out."

#2--Have Tony Oliva bring Yoenis Cespedes a sandwich
Cespedes is the real deal, a five-tool outfield star who figures to command major dollars just as soon as baseball finds a way to make him legally employable. There hasn't been a Hall of Fame calibre Cuban since Tony O and there hasn't been a Cuban MVP since Zoilo Versailles, we've got some history here. Sure Cespedes could rely on his natural talent and a big budget team around him to make him great...but if he comes to Minnesota there will be sandwiches, and of course...Tony O. (Sure it won't work, but it's a low cost, high reward way of trying to make something happen.)

#3--Try to Trade Kevin Slowey
We like Kevin Slowey, he's a gentleman and a scholar, he's funny enough to appear on the Onion, we were even trying to popularize nicknames like "SloSlo" or "Killthrow" or "KZone". But the writing's been on the wall for months now. He's also not going to be rejoining the rotation any time soon and doesn't want to go to the bullpen, so unless he starts playing third base like a champion, his days in the blue and red are numbered. The sad part is, he doesn't have much trade value, so at best he could be the "Brendan Harris" of this year's "what-the-hell-give-us-some-prospects-and-we're happy" trade. Fortunately Terry Ryan's track record with tose kinds of trades is pretty good, so fingers crossed!

Bob Dylan's all over this thing Cuddy

#4--Send Michael Cuddyer a Mix-Tape
All our favorite jams can be on it! Like Green Day's "Time of Your Life" and one of Joe Mauer's rap tracks. We could include personal appeals from local-inspired artists like Doomtree and the Hold Steady. Then he'll realize that he's always really loved us and stop listening to the Red Sox nattering about "Sweet Caroline", and sign a three-year deal for a local discount and the promise that he can replace Bert Blyleven after he retires.

#5--Twiddle your thumbs
Every year we get riled up about the big moves coming during the winter meetings, and every year very little actually happens. This year will likely be no different. Sure some big name free agents might sign with other teams, but the Twins news will likely be confined to one of those four story lines. But rest assured, Uncle Terry's still looking for a deal, patience is a virtue friends...trust the man, just like I trust my grandma.

MV-Peanut

2011-11-23T19:16:00.001-08:00

Now that Major League Baseball has finished handing out all its bronzed and emblazoned knicknacks to players who helped their teams win divisions and games and what not, we can turn our attention to honoring the best player on our favorite team.

To be sure, after a season where bright spots were often as rare as talent on the set of The Jersey Shore, picking a player who made watching the games a pleasure was tough. Sure Liriano's no-hitter was a treat to see, and Jim Thome's jaw dropping taters were amazing (both for us fans and the guys on deck--see Young, Delmon). But if you were to ask us who made watching the games and tuning in on a daily basis worthwhile there really is only one answer.

So congratulations to our 2011 Peanuts from Heaven Most Valuable Peanut:
MICHAEL CUDDYER.

Yup...this happened.

Now, some might say that this is the easy way out. After all, Cuddyer was the Twins' All-Star representative and yeah he lead the team in Slugging, OPS and WAR and yeah...he's freakin' Michael "Magic Man" Cuddyer. But there's more than that. When Cuddy came to bat we had sudden, inexplicable surges of optimism. No matter where he played--Right field, First Base, Second or Third--we couldn't help but appreciate the all out effort on every play. We actually kept hoping he'd suddenly end up pitching....then he did.

So there's Cuddy, hitting, fielding, pitching, helping with team broadcasts, blogging on the side, raking the infield dirt and doing everything short of playing Baby Elephant Walk on the organ. How do you not love a guy who does all that? Heck, what else could Cuddyer do at that point?

Well...he could do it all...in a foreign country, during a mid-season excursion with we bloggers to Thailand. And sure enough, he did it all again.

Cuddy makes the catch to
support Cabbages & Condoms

Cuddy makes a catch in honor
of the Queens birthday

Cuddy makes the diving catch, despite
the shallow depths of the pool.

Cuddy fights through jungle undergrowth
to make the catch

Cuddy celebrates a delicious green curry
by making a big catch

That's how good Michael Cuddyer was this year. He was the best Twins player on two continents. So, on today of all days we have to be sure to be thankful to have seen Michael Cuddyer at his very best this year. Bravo Cuddy, let us know where to send the hardware.

Where have we been?

2011-11-18T16:12:00.000-08:00

Clearly our priorities are all messed up. There's been much baseball news and major Twins stuff and what have we peanuts been doing?

Well for starters we've been grooming our newest intrepid reporters: they'll be with us all off season and into 2012, and what they lack in opposable thumbs they more than make up for with adorableness.

Minnie (L) and Sid (R) resting up for a busy offseason

Secondly, we're still coming down off the shocking revelation that Nick Punto is a World Champion. Yes, last year's Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame inductee is now one of the few proud people who can call themselves "the best in the world". Granted, Nicky P wasn't exactly the most dominant hitter in October (or any other month for that matter) but after helping his team win one of the best Game 6s in baseball history and celebrating on the Busch Stadium infield dirt, he deserves his moment in the sun and we're all too happy to give the man his due. So raise your glasses Twins fans to Little Nicky Punto: the quintessence of "scrapitude".

He's all yours ladies!

Thirdly, we had about a two week period where we were literally dumbstruck at the news that Bill Smith was no longer GM and Terry Ryan is back in charge of the Twins on-field personnel. Bill Smith's been in charge ever since we started this blog, and while we've had our share of fun at his expense, we want to make sure that we give credit where credit is due. Bill Smith ran an actual, honest-to-goodness, real-life, major league baseball team that won many games, made many people happy and ensured that the sideburn-ed one would remain in Twins colors for the forseeable future. We always felt as though he wasn't quite as confident in the job as others were, but hey--he allowed us to keep making references to VH1's "The Pick-up Artist" so thanks for that Bill Smith! Meanwhile, we're happy to welcome back Terry Ryan, who may not be as easily photoshopped into compromising situations--but may just have the genius to get us out of the mess we seem to have fallen into.

Finally, we've been trying to find a good joke to make about Jamey Carroll, the Twin's latest free agent signing and (apparently) probable starting shortstop. There's the fact that both his first and last names are somewhat feminine, but we'll leave that pithy observation for those on their eighth Grain Belt in the fifth inning of a mid-June game. There's the fact that he's as Opie-looking as Adam Everett and older than Mike Lamb, but that's a little fatalistic and dour as we try to be peppy this off-season. Sure, Carroll could crater and leave us 7 million in the hole or he could be merely average as we mark time until something better comes along. But let's be optimistic: welcome to the Twins Jamey Carroll! May your on-base percentage be consistent, may your defense be a marked improvement over last year and may you grudgingly accept our goofy well wishes.

We'll be back again soon with an off-season blueprint, a ballot for the Peanuts' Hall of Fame and a new award to hand out.

***

Ps. Right after we posted this Ryan Doumit was announced as a new Twins' signee...theoretically the ex-Pirate will be able to combine with the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan to form a fearsome, swashbuckling battery.

Fly Over Country Baseball Pride

2011-10-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

Even though we've been unable to watch all of the thrilling game 5 madness the last few days, Stinky and I have been reveling in the Midwest's October Glory.

For once, we don't just mean the fall foliage that dots the landscape of the upper midwest, though--certainly--writing this blog from a coffee shop in a quaint Wisconsin lakeside village, with elms and maples turning orange and golden and faded green in early afternoon light is pretty awesome. No, we mean the fact that our preferred play-off teams all managed to do pretty well. Sure the Rays got bumped off by the Rangers, but everybody else we were rooting for: the Cardinals, the Brewers and the Tigers, pulled out big series wins.

It's nice to know that our cheering for a team does not doom them to suckitude, and nicer still to know that we are blissfully free from three more weeks of "pinstripe mystique" and "four aces of the apocalypse" talk. Sure, some people will talk about low ratings and the fact that very few people beyond the Milwaukee city limits cares about the Brewers, but that misses the point.

The point is that, right now, the best baseball is being played in our neck of the woods. And it's being played by a bunch of guys who used to wear the Twins Blue and Red. So even though Delmon Young will be nursing an oblique through the ALCS, we'll keep chearing for the Tigers and our supractalicious ex-left fielder whose tattoos and glower seem to suit the hardened blue collar edge of the Motor City.

And even though the Cardinals have won more World Series' than any team whose name does not start with a "Y" and end with an "ankees", we'll cheer because there's little Nicky Punto scooping up grounders and flipping them to a glacier sized first baseman between the beer signs and the red brick facades of a classic old stadium in a classic baseball town.

And even though they're our border war neighbors, we'll keep cheering for the Brew Crew and the home run slide and Bob Ueker calling a World Series game, because last night there was our hyperactive ex-centerfielder careening across home plate with a giddy slide and popping up in a fit of glee to "BEAST MODE" it up with the vegetarian first baseman and goofily bearded closer.

Forget the big markets and the big budgets and the big names. Let's keep this ride going on to November! Let's relish the chance to see champagne corks get popped alongside bottles of Bud and buckets of cheese curds and gallons of axel grease. Let's root, root, root for fly over country and the parts of America where fandom isn't written off as a business expense and stars are nurtured over years rather than bought up during the offseason.

It's a great time to love baseball, and a great time to love the midwest. (Luckily for us, we love both!)

Root, Root Root for...? (Our Extremely Biased Guide to the Postseason)

2011-10-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Well, we're a few days into the playoffs but better late than never! We know you've been waiting with bated breath for us to instruct you as to who you should cheer for in the post season...but we're not going to. Instead, we are going to make logical (hah) pro and con lists for each matchup, tell you where our hearts lie, and let you pick from there.

ALDS: TEXAS V. TAMPA

Rangers - PROS
- Everything's bigger in Texas...so...make of that what you will.
- I dare you to find a cooler name than Yorvit Torrealba.
- Josh Hamilton
Rangers - Cons
- I really have nothing against the Rangers, but I traveled to Dallas once for work and wasn't a huge fan.
- ...it's Texas.

Rays - Pros
- I know they're this big power hitting team now, but in my mind the Rays will always be the ultimate underdogs, which makes them cool in my book.
- Their late-season run to eliminate the Red Sox was quite glorious, and very Twins-Circa-2006. Reminds me of when times were good.

- They play in an incredibly ugly dome, which also reminds us of good times.
Rays - Cons
- Johnny Damon

Verdict:
This one's kind of a toss-up. I think I'd feel good either way - but for some reason my heart seems to lie with Tampa.

ALDS: NYY Vs. Detroit

Yankees - Pros

- I'm super excited for the Verlander/Sabbathia matchup tonight after being cruelly robbed of it on Friday.

- Derek Jeter
- Mariano Rivera
Yankees - Cons
- Nick Swisher
- A-Rod
- Smug and obnoxious Yankees fans
- Emperor Palpatine

- Lord Voldemort

Tigers - Pros
- AL Central Solidarity
- Delmon Young... that trade made no sense to me, and I miss my Delmon. I hope he gets a better shot with Detroit than he did with us.
- Justin Verlander
Tigers - Cons
- I make fun of Tigers fans all year (except this year)... it's hard to go from cheering against them to cheering for them
- Detroit

Verdict:
As my dad would say, "Go Delmont!!" I wish to see him prance to a World Series Victory. Go forth and prosper, Detroit Tigers.

NLDS: St. Louis Vs. Philly

Cardinals - Pros
- Albert Pujols
- Nick Punto
- We visited St. Louis on our baseball road trip two years ago: it's a nice city and the fans seem like cool people.
Cardinals - Cons
-.... I honestly can't think of any

Phillies - Pros

- Delicious Cheese Steak

- My friend Lewis lives there

- Amazing pitching rotation of awesomeness

Phillies - Cons

- I once got lost in Philly trying to get back on the highway after stopping for a cheese steak. It was miserable - we were lost for probably an hour and got stuck in ridiculous traffic. You fail, city of Philedalphia.
- High payroll. Pinstriped jerseys. Eastern division domination. Remind you of anyone else we know?

Verdict:
I'm gonna go with St. Louis, more because of how much I like the Cardinals than because of any bad feelings towards the Phillies.

NLDS: Milwaukee vs. Arizona

Brewers - Pros

- Prince Fielder

- Ryan Braun

- If you haven't heard Bob Uecker call a game, you're missing out

- Neighborly love

- New Glaurus

- Cheese

Brewers - Cons

- Neighborly hate

- Constant drunkenness: we also went there on our baseball road trip and saw people passed out on the concourse.

- Strange phallic hot dog races

D-Backs - Pros

- Scrappy young underdog of the NL

- I dunno...I'm generally a positive person

- ...that's about it really.

D-Backs - Cons

- D-Backs sounds suspiciously like D-Bags?

- Douchey Fans: D-Backs hit a home run over Ben Revere's head and a fan yelled "YOU SUCK REVERE!!" When interviewed after the game and asked what he had yelled the fan proudly repeated the sentiment. So apparently Ben Revere sucks for not owning a jet pack? Bad form, D-Backs fans.

Verdict:

We'll give our support to the cheeseheads next door!

Well, that's all we have for now. If you'll excuse me I have to try to stop the cat from eating Ben's tie and shirt buttons.

Our Love Don't Cost a Thing

2011-09-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

The long baseball season is finally over, and this year it felt especially long. The Twins stunk...clearly and badly...like moldy limburger, like fermented clouds of Axe Bodyspray, like Scott Boras' soul....they stank, stunk, stinked.

And yet we watched as much as we could. We cheered when they did well, and shook our heads disappointedly after loss 99 just like we did after loss number 1. We found reasons to cheer: a few solid whacks by Mauer and Thome, slick fielding by Denard and Ben Revere, amazing pitching from Liriano and Nathan and of course the innumerable contributions of Plouffe, Hughes, Perkins, Tosoni, Oliveros, Rivera and a bunch of other names we never thought we'd say when the season began.

So, no matter what else happens, we love the Twins, loved cheering them this season and will love them on and on. So when we've heard other people saying that the organization "owes" them, we can't help but cock our head to the side and ask: "Really?"

I tried to do the math, figure out how much one might really spend on being a baseball fan, and then how much of that ends up in the pockets of the biggest scapegoats for this year. If you spend $500 on being a Twins fan, you contribute about $0.10 to Joe Mauer, want him to give it back? You want the penny you contribute to Gardy and Bill Smith...really? Can't you just chalk it up to the incidental costs of loving a team, loving a game and getting 162 days of entertainment a year?

My better half (Stinky) raised a better point. If you buy a ticket to a Twins game, you have to acknowledge that you're taking a risk. Being a fan is like being a stock holder--you buy the stock and you hope it goes up...but you acknowledge it might go down. Buy a ticket to the game and you hope the Twins win, but you acknowledge that they might lose. They could win 162, they could lose 162. If you agree to go, or watch or support the team you have to accept the good and the bad as a risky (but entertaining) investment.

Sure there were times when we wondered if we should just turn the tv off and leave it off the rest of the year, there were times we didn't want to turn on the radio or open a newspaper, or surf to the team site for fear of hearing or seeing another loss in black and white. But tonight, as we drove back from church choir, and heard Cuddy get stranded at third we sighed and groaned, when we heard John Gordon call the "Parmalee flips to Dinkle-Hughes" we laughed and decided that "Dinkleface" is bound to be a nickname for our future utility man. And when Plouffe delivered the walk off hit we cheered, and we'll cheer this winter, and we'll root, root root for the home team.

No questions asked.

Ominous...and yet...

2011-09-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm beginning a lot of posts this way lately but: "Apologies for the delay in posting...we peanuts have been awfully busy". Work, school, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Yup...pretty dark...

So why break radio silence as the Twins are about to fall even farther behind the Royals for fourth place (yes, fourth place) in the AL Central? Because, for as ominous as the end of this year is becoming there's something else, out there in the distance that we haven't thought about yet.

See, in baseball it's easy to get transfixed by the little things, the moments, the day to day minutiae of the game. They say it again and again for players--"he's overthinking", "he needs to put his bad at-bats behind him", "they've just got to take it one day at a time." Some players just can't help but worry about every single at bat that turned into an easy ground ball, every fielding chance they fumbled, every pitch they failed to execute.

See! No signs of hits or throws!

One bad play begets another, which begets another, which begets another and so and so forth. If you don't believe me ask Trevor Plouffe and his mid-June spurt of throws that missed the broad side of every barn between here and Brainerd. Or ask Tsuyoshi Nishioka who so plainly wants to succeed and seems so utterly shamed every time he walks back to the dugout after failing to beat the throw to first. Or ask Brian Duensing as he sits on the bench, chewing his nails, mentally replaying pitch sequences that turned an inning with two quick outs into a sudden three-run, chase-him-from-the-game, question-his-spot-in-the-rotation-and-career-path nightmare.

One player struggles, then another, and another and the panic grips the team. Even the indomitable Pav-stache and robotic Joe Mauer seem to be waiting for the inevitable defeat at this point. Sure they'll try, but they just accept that when it's a borderline pitch, the call is going to go against them. They haven't given up--but the looming doom is right there over the Twins collective shoulders.

While that makes watching the games (and rehashing them in blog form) a little rough at times, there's something we have to remember.

There. Is. Hope.

Start with the fact that a lousy record now means a solid draft pick next year (and at a fairer price if MLB and the Union agree on a better draft system). Sure the Twins farm system isn't great now...but bear in mind that we've been drafting at the ends of rounds for the last decade--our best players were picked up during our decade of slump-tacular mid-90's horror. A true top-flight prospect who can contribute in a year or two rather than 5 will be much appreciated.

If only it were this easy

Also remember that the Twins did not flip a switch and go from a good ball club to a lousy one. They didn't forget to pack the talent with them as they left Fort Meyers, they simply could never dig themselves out of a considerable hole made in April and May (and dug again through injuries and poor pitching in August). Make good moves for 10 years and you're a model organization--make bad moves for 1 year and you aren't utterly hopeless...you've just run up against a law of averages.

Finally, never forget that through it all Twins fans keep plopping down cash to go to Target Field, keep buying jerseys and bobbleheads and all kinds of gear. That's money we could use to get another good pitcher, or infielder, or whatever. (It's also likely those prices won't rise next year, given the shoddy product on the field this year.)

Ahh, there it is!

I see this all the time when I teach. Kids look up and see the gloomy cloud of an impending test, or project, or class. They struggle once, they expect to struggle again and again, and nothing will ever be good or fun and life is horrible.

But once they see a little gleam of hope: a word they know from their notes, a thumbs up from a truculent teacher, a smile from their crush, then the world is marvelous and beautiful and completely peachy keen!

The Twins (and their fans) have seen the dark clouds all year long. Don't forget--there's always a silver lining.

Missing Something

2011-09-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week.

Losing two games to the White Sox made things a little grim in Twins Territory--so grim we couldn't bear to watch the pain (something about those pale hosers always brings out the doom and gloom in us). And even though the Twins have won back-to-back games we weren't able to catch them given that one took place during the workday and the other happened on the West Coast last night...ending well after our Peanut bedtimes.

Missing four games this week made feel funny. Not "ha-ha" funny, but odd, awkward, and out of sync. Even though the Twins are way out of the race, and the team hasn't played well, and the face of the franchise (a three-time batting champ) seems to be backing up a guy who's hitting .165, I can't help but feel like something's missing if I don't get a daily Twins fix.

Maybe that's weird, maybe it's strange that I'm still wanting to watch relatively meaningless games for three hours a day, maybe it's irrational that I want to know about call ups and Lester Oliveros' strike zone control and Luke Hughes' new batting stance and Tsuyoshi Nishioka's (very very gradual) improvement. But that's the thing about baseball, if you connect with a team and stay with them for more than half a year they're a part of your life and it's not the same without them. I don't want to watch to complain, or bellyache or whine about the front office--I want to watch because it's what I love.

The games don't have to be great. The team doesn't have to play well. It just needs to be there. The Twins have been part of my life for years, and will be tomorrow, so they better be today. Call me strange, call me stubborn, but be sure to call me when the game is on.

After all I don't want to miss something.

Ron Gardenhire's Dirty Secret

2011-08-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Last night's game started at 7 and was over shortly after 9, and that was largely because Matt Capps came in to throw a few pitches, give up a run and make sure that Dick and Bert got to do all their in game plugs.

Even though the Twins lost, and team manager/life-sized garden gnome/prototype for crusty managers everywhere Ron Gardenhire looked like he was having a furious internal debate about whether to take a couple

tylenol or a couple shots of tequila, he also looked pretty darned pleased to be leaving the park so quickly. Maybe it was because he got to go for drinks with rival manager/polar opposite/walking twitter feed Ozzie Guillen, maybe it was because he really wanted to watch Real Housewives of Orange County in his hotel room, or maybe it was because Mark Buehrle was pitching.

Mark Buehrle does the things that make Ron Gardenhire happy. He throws strikes (65% of all pitches). He pitches to contact (84% of all pitches, with batters stuck with a .293 average on balls in play). And he makes quality starts (65% of all his starts). This season the Twins staff was a little worse than Buehrle in all those categories (63% Strike Rate, 82% Contact rate, .304 BABIP, just 51% of all games are Quality Starts). Now...Gardy doesn't know or care about any of those stats...he focuses solely on the GSQ: Gardy Scrappiness Quotient. And whereas Buehrle (by virtue of his defense, endurance and beard) rates 94.8/100, current Twins pitchers earn a meagre 51.6/100.

At the end of the day, I can help but imagine Gardy sitting back watching the game, dreaming of the offseason when Mark Buehrle is a free agent, and Gardy can confess his deep and abiding admiration for him. And Buehrle admits that, deep down, he has always wanted to be a Twin. And he signs a fiscally sensible contract, and dons the red, blue and white, and anchors the Twins rotation and leads us to glory and through it all Gardy never has to drink away the sadness and the world is a bright and happy place again. But of course Buehrle wears the black and white, and all Gardy can do is fantasize. Fantasize about Buehrle.

Home Sour Home

2011-08-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

So the Twins, our loyal boys in blue, are spending the next few days in Chicago, which must come as a relief after having to spend 11 whole days at home.

I'm not quite sure why, but the Twins sure didn't seem to enjoy their respite from the road. In the 9 games the Twins lost this past home stand they averaged 1.5 runs & 6.5 hits per game, that's clearly down from the season overall, where they've averaged 3.8 runs & 8.4 hits per game. But it's not all declines against the season average! In those same 9 games the pitchers went from averaging 9.5 hits & 4.4 runs per game to 11.8 hits & 6.1 runs per game. (Note: I tried to find a more Sabremetric-y stat as per my older brother's suggestion but I'm still a novice at that...suffice to say: "something, something, something, you'd be better off putting Larry, Curly and Moe at the bottom of the order than Tosoni, Tolbert and Butera")

But enough of this silly math stuff. Clearly the Twins have lost track of what makes playing in Minnesota so special. It's not the number of pretty girls who profess their undying love for Joe Mauer in sign and shirt form. Nor is it the giddy kids, seniors and drunk guys who always find something to cheer for even in the darkest days.

Perhaps it's because they're working, instead of watching tv during the games but perhaps they simply have missed this catchy jingle espousing the greatness of the Land of 10,000 Lakes:

So next time you're in town we encourage you guys to do the things advertised in this ad and more. Perhaps Brian Duensing needs to go camping, maybe Jason Kubel could take a kayak out on Lake of the Isles, maybe Ben Revere and Alex Burnett could start an emo/hip-hop fusion band (hemo?) or maybe our local renaissance man, Michael Cuddyer, should make time for a trip to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

Whatever the case guys, please come back ready to win some more games...it's a little tough to watch when you play like Joe Mauer sings. For now, just beat the White Sox and we'll all be happy.

(I'm sorry, that was mean and not constructive...but seriously Joe, I thought singing four part harmony was part of Minnesotan citizenship. Maybe you can slip some voice lessons into your offseason routine.)

It Came From Baltimore!

2011-08-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

As if having to endure the Yankees over the weekend wasn't bad enough, the Twins just had to confront the Baltimore Orioles for four games. I don't know what it is about the Orioles, perhaps it's just my imagination, but whenever we face the little black and orange birdies we play a little worse than we normally do. Normally it's not bad enough to lose, or bad enough to get swept...this time it was.

So how did the Twins get swept by the worst team in the American League? How did we manage to drop four straight games to a team whose best pitcher in the series has a mighty 7 wins, and 4.15 ERA? We can't say for certain, but we would bet that it might have something to do with a conversation in the team clubhouse before the first game.

Ben Revere: Oh man!! We have to play Baltimore...Those guys give me the willies!!

Jason Kubel: I know man! Have you ever seen any David Simon tv shows?

Revere: Sure!

Kubel: Man, I just had a Homicide: Life on the Streets marathon, and I'm just getting into The Wire...That city is Crime Central! I bet the whole Orioles team and all their fans are a bunch of criminals and murderers and bad guys!!

Gardy: Jason...those shows are fictional, that's very specious logic and I'm pretty sure Baltimorians can now sue you for libel and slander.

Kubel: You might be right Gardy...but just to make sure that they don't get mad I think we should let them win!

Everybody: YEAH!!!

Gardy: Wait...no! That's a bad idea! Guys, we should try to win!

Francisco Liriano: I don't know Gardy...I'm not sure I can stand to see the big-bird-head logo...it's eyes follow you where ever you go in a room. It gives me the heebie jeebies!

Brian Duensing: Yeah, and I have a totally irrational fear of every bird ever since I accidentally stayed up to watch The Birds when I was 6!

Gardy: Why did you watch The Birds at 6?

Duensing: I thought Big Bird & Snuffy might be in it....

Jim Thome: Yeah, that movie's freaky, and let's not even talk about the ominous thrill of terror that reverberates in the hearts of men when you read one of noted Baltimore resident Edgar Allan Poe's ominous tales of horror!!

Kevin Slowey: Or the fact that their version of cake....is made out of CRAB!?!?

Drew Butera: Let's face it coach. Baltimore is terrifying. So if we all just play really really badly, maybe they'll all take mercy on us and not destroy the Twin Cities.

Everyone: [Random murmurs of agreement] Great idea! YEAH! Let's do what the guy back up catcher batting .163 says!!

Gardy: [Rubbing bridge of his nose] It's gonna be a looooooooooong series...

And it was. Kubel's terror of David Simon tv shows left him 1-13; Thome's panic over Poe left him 0-11; and Drew Butera went 1-12. The pitchers didn't fare much better: Liriano was so spooked he left after 2 innings with an injury, Duensing was so traumatized he left after 2 innings and 7 runs, and Slowey held his Crab Cake anxiety in check to get a lead...and then give it all back in a 5 run 5th inning.

Good news though, no more Baltimore! And since the Twins appear to be trading Jim Thome to the Indians, we can now officially focus on helping him win his first World Series ring by doing what we do best: breaking the hearts of Tigers fans.

Minnesota Joe and the Pitching Mound of Doom

2011-08-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

With six weeks left in a--shall we say--craptastic season, we can't help but notice that the Twins are looking a little tired, a little worn-down, a little day-dreamy. So we wonder, what exactly are they thinking about as the season wraps up?

Sure they're thinking: "C'mon Baltimore! Cut us some freakin' slack!", but if you look at Joe Mauer lately he seems his naturally calm appearance seems to have risen to a zen-like state of

serenity. Maybe he's just cooly calculating the statistical potential of next season (can't bat .290 again...right?) or maybe he's thinking back on his childhood dreams again.

I'd bet Mauer dreamed of playing baseball for the Twins. I'd also bet that, like most boys who had backyard adventures in the 1980s, he also dreamed of being Indiana Jones. And now that playing baseball is a reality, I bet he has even more time to day dream about being a Harrison Ford-esque hero...even if that hero also plays baseball.

Picture him walking to the plate as "dum-Da-DUM-DUM-dum-da-dum" echoes throughout the stadium. Leaping over the on-deck circle thingy like a pit of snakes. Smacking a ball to the gap and racing around first like there was a gigantic boulder hurtling behind him threatening to crush him and cause even more bilateral leg weakness! Then slides into second, reaches behind him to pick up his helmet, and laughs softly as the opposing short stop is flattened by said boulder.

Unfortunately, life as Minnesota Joe isn't all double smacking adventures and cute girls in the first row with "Love You" written on their eyelids. No, there are some artifacts better left untouched...but just try to tell that to the buddies who accompany him on his adventures and can't help but get in their own way. Minnesota Joe always starts his adventures with a pitching buddy...and more often than not, that pitching buddy just has to touch the Ark of the Covenant, and before Joe can go out to the mound to swap the pitcher out for a bag of sand (just as effective and far less expensive)...this happens:

Looks just like our starting pitchers lately, eh?

Okay, that might be an overstatement...but I really felt that the Melting Nazi encapsulated my soul while watching the last couple games, and anyway...if you're Minnesota Joe, no matter how many pitchers utterly dissolve into a thin mass of bloody goop under a black trench coat, you're going to stay alive, get the girl and have another adventure tomorrow.

So c'mon Joe, live out another childhood dream: stitch a TC on a fedora, stuff a whip inside your shin guard and change that batting music. Be our very own Minnesota Joe.

(Unless you can find a wookie costume for Morneau in which case you should go for the Han Solo thing instead)

Smells Like Lutefisk, Ya Know?

2011-08-22T20:17:00.001-07:00

It was Lutheran Night at Target Field.

This caused several problems. First of all, the EMTs were in over their heads before the game even started when fans began passing out left and right due to wearing Norwegian Sweaters in the 90 degree heat. Secondly, in a sudden reversal of the principles of economics, prices of back row seats shot up 300% because nobody wanted to sit in the front. There was also great confusion when fans tried to sing grace before eating their hot dogs and were unsure whether to "strengthened for thy service be" or "feast in paradise with thee" -a brawl actually broke out in section 214. There was also the 4 part harmony dramz during the national anthem (there were too many sopranos), and the fact that many people were so reluctant to rudely walk in front of one another that they simply refused to go to the restroom at all, which resulted in an unfortunate stinkyness throughout many sections of the stadium.

Down in the dugout, Drew Butera was trying to figure out what to do. He had just gotten in touch with his Norwegian self, and he realized that ordering Pavano to throw certain pitches was not very Lutheran. He decided instead to make "suggestions" to Carl, and then if he didn't like what Carl threw he would call Ben Revere later to complain and maybe also to gossip about Luke Hughes.

Danny Valencia, meanwhile, was having a conniption. "But GUYS," he said. "It's LUTHERAN NIGHT. We can't just score runs against these guys, they get beat up by the Yankees and the Red Sox all the time and it just...it wouldn't be very nice."

"Well," said Cuddy, as he smiled extra-bright and his dimples shone like an exploding supernova. "What should we do then? I mean chances are we're going to hit the ball occasionally and probably get on base sometimes."

Joe Mauer chimed in then - he'd been thinking a lot about this Lutheran niceness and such. "How about I'll wait until there are 2 outs before I get a hit? And then probably no one will score, so we won't make the Orioles feel too bad."

"Gee," said Danny. "That's a great idea! And then maybe we can guilt them into letting us win!!" It was too brilliant (and too convoluted) to fail.

Or not.

And that is how the Twins got smacked down by the Baltimore Orioles, 4-1 on August 22, 2011. There was also some serious fan interference, and some extremely un-Norwegian behavior exhibited by Gardy (awesome) but the important thing you must remember - we lost tonight because of passive-aggressiveness. And also lutefisk.

The Most Constant Presence in Twins Territory

2011-08-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

You might not recognize the fellow at the top of this post, but he's been around all season long. So long in fact that he might have been asked to pinch hit when our bench was particularly thin last week. His name is Dissotiera Injuria, or in layman terms, "the Injury Bug".

How much of an effect has the injury bug had on the Twins season? Put it this way: in 126 games the Twins have had 107 line-ups. By comparison the Yankees have fielded 53 squads in 123 games. We're on a pace to have 137 different sets of 9 take the field, that's 137 combinations of players wearing the Twins' red, white and blue. If the entire population of Dassel, Minnesota put on Twins jerseys, they could make that exact same number of rosters.

And hey, who's to say that Dissotiera Injuria is done yet? We must be about due for Danny Valencia to twist an ankle rounding first, or Alex Burnett to dislocate a shoulder in an innocuous warm up session, or Carl Pavano to snap a tendon while packing his suitcase for the next roadtrip, or Drew Butera to spontaneously combust.

Honestly your guess is as good as ours. In this wild season, where few things are certain, the only thing we would bank on is that Gardy will lead the league in Tylenol consumed and the Dissotiera Injuria is going to be around until the last out is recorded.

Throwing an Elbow Minnesota Style

2011-08-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

I really thought this time would be different. I thought that I was past caring about how the Twins fared in individual games. I thought that by serenely ignoring the ominous pinstriped cloud heading for Minneapolis, I could stay zen and ambivalent about this whole series.

I was wrong.

After enjoying a nice walk in the early evening we turned on the game just in time to see Nick Swisher hit a three run homer. In seconds, I was calling Swisher more than a few profane names. When Andruw Jones blasted one out deep to left, I turned off the TV before the ball was over the fence. A half-hour later I turned the game back on, and while the little piranhas built a rally for two runs to cut into the Yankee lead, I was far madder about CC Sabathia's petulant tantrum after giving up those runs, than I was happy about the runs themselves.

I shouldn't let the Yankees get to me, but I can't help myself. They turn up, bludgeon the Twins, and leave me feeling worse than an armadillo after getting run over by a semi-truck. It feels like they expect to win, and worse, it feels like the Twins almost expect to lose. We let the Yankees play their game while we play in a fog, just waiting for an umpire's call or flukey hop to justify another loss.

I try not to say what I think the Twins should do--I couldn't hit in Little League, I've never coached and I don't have the experience or information of front office brass, so I trust that baseball pros know more than I do--but last night, just like last May, and last October I found myself wishing that the Twins would follow my advice and do one thing: Throw an Elbow.

There's an apocryphal story that legendary Center Bill Russell never wanted to play dirty and was getting hammered by opponents in the post. After throwing one elbow, in one game, and he stopped getting hassled by the opposition. I can't help but wish that the Twins would do that tonight, start pitching inside to every Yankee batter, knock Texiera on his butt, and be ready to brawl if need be. But that won't happen, we haven't had a real fight with another team since 2003, and it's actually kind of cool to see that the Minnesota Twins, are Minnesota Nice. But that doesn't need to stop us from from throwing an elbow in our own uniquely Minnesotan way: passive-aggressively.

So let's try this: let's have Kevin Slowey quick pitch the Yankees to death. If they get to first base, Morneau can give them the cold shoulder, no chit chat, no banter, just hockey foe death stares. If they get to second Nishioka and Hughes can talk to eachother and pretend that the Yankee isn't there at all. And if they get to third, we'll have a horde of pretty Minnesotan girls squealing when Danny V smiles and offering to give him their phone numbers while telling Jeter and company to get out of the way so they can see Danny more clearly. Then, win or lose after the game, invite everyone in the stadium for a potluck with the team and "oh...yeah...I guess the Yankees could come...but we might not have enough and...we bet they're probably tired still, so...I'm sure they'll understand".

There's my passive-aggressive plan, if you have any other suggestions please leave them in the comments below. The bottom line is that one way or another, we've got to do something differently. Once we do that, once we get a little swagger back and let the Yankees know that win or lose we're going to make their lives difficult every single game, then maybe we won't play like we expect to lose. And we can always remember that when we're in trouble we can just throw an elbow...Minnesota style.

Adieu Dear Delmon, Adieu

2011-08-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

As we leave Detroit glowing with victory we must now say farewell to the man we traded when we arrived in Michigan: Delmon Damarcus Young.

Several years ago we Peanuts noticed that Delmon had an uncanny ability to reach base in ways that seemed completely implausible. He seemed to lead the team in pop-ups that got lost in the Dome, singles that skidded off of pebbles and following two weak ground outs with a monstrous home run. He seemed to thrive by surprising and distracting the opposition...so we merged the words and claimed that he "supracted" them. Later we realized that the Twins' resident magician should also be a part of this magical art and developed a whole shtick about Cuddyer & Young, Masters of Supraction (TM).

(You can read all about the origin of Supraction here, and see the complete annals of Delmon & Cuddy's supraction-tastic exploits here)

But as Delmon donned a different jersey and Cuddy sat on the bench nursing an injured neck, we wondered how Supraction would survive and thus imagined the following moments.

[In the Tiger dugout before game 1]

Delmon: So yeah, I could totally teach you guys some Supraction-tastic skillz. It'll totally help win the division and maybe even the World Series!

Miguel Cabrera: I don't know, just hitting the ball hard has worked pretty well for me.

Jhonny Peralta: Yeah, and I use the magical powers of my misplaced "h"...I think I'm okay, but maybe the younger guys like Brennan Boesch and Austin Jackson could use it.

Delmon: What do you think coach?

Jim Leyland: [Inaudible mumble, grumble, spit]

Delmon: ...was that a yes or a no?

Jim Leyland: [Grumble, spit, mumble]

Delmon: ...ooookay...here...just watch what it can do...I'm gonna totally supract Liriano in my first at bat because, hey! I'm wearing a different uniform and not in left field...he'll be surprised, he'll be distracted and I'll supract a home run!!

Jim Leyland: [Spit, grumble, mumble, spit]

Of course, Delmon went out and did just that, and Jim Leyland responded by clapping his hands, then mumbling and spitting. The next day, Cuddy, seemed dispirited.

Cuddy: [Sigh]

Jim Thome: Hi there Michael...something troubling you?

Cuddy: Oh, Jim, it's nice of you to ask, but...I don't think you would understand.

Thome: I may not understand, but I'll always listen. C'mon Cuddy...Talk to Thome...

Cuddy: Well, Jim. You know how I like magic and sleight of hand tricks and surprising/distracting the opposition with my myriad skills of awesomeness?

Thome: Boy, I sure do! Your magic is SO COOL!

Cuddy: Well, I used to use those skills to win games with Delmon. And now that he's out there playing for Detroit I just feel...

Thome: Strangely empty in your soul?

Cuddy: Yeah! I mean, I know that Supraction will still be a part of the game, but it will be hard to replicate that old feeling of pure, randomly inspired, Delmon-rific, accidental awesomeness.

Thome: Would you feel better if I tried to Supract people by hitting more homeruns?

Cuddy: Thanks Jim, but your homers are kind of expected...maybe if you suddenly stole third base--

Thome: Yeah.............that ain't gonna happen buddy. But hey, why don't you look for a NEW friend to instruct in the art of Supraction. That way, the spirit of it can live on and on in Twins Territory.

Cuddy: Wow, you really are just, ridiculously awesome aren't you?

Thome: Yeah, pretty much. Wanna hug?

Cuddy: Yes. Yes I do.

And so it was that Cuddy began to search for new masters of Supraction. And in a few short moments he realized that the answer had been standing next to Delmon in the outfield for lo these many months. So yesterday, this happened.

Delmon in the first inning: Doo-de-doo...time to hit the ball really really far, and make all Detroit real happy! [Swings, blasts it to center and starts to trot until Ben Revere snags the ball over his shoulder]...Woah...umm...that was surprising...

Delmon in the fourth inning: Okay...here I go, ready to supract Carl to hell. [Swings and cranks it to right center, begins another double trot only to see Ben Revere run the ball down like a lion running down a gazelle] Woah...did he? What do I...I feel all distracted and...wait a second!

[Delmon turns to the Twins dugout and sees Cuddy grinning at him]

Cuddy: SUPRACTION SUCKA!!!

So Ben Revere, quiet, unassuming, broad-smiling, ball-chasing, catcher-running-over Ben Revere has become the latest student in the art of Supraction. We wish Delmon well teaching Supraction in Detroit, but we're even more excited to see Cuddy take on Revere as his Supraction paduwan.

HUGE News Day in Twins Territory

2011-08-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

We were all set to ease back in to the blogging scene with short posts on topics that interest us. One today, one tomorrow, nice and easy. Then the Twins went and flipped the script and had one of the team's biggest news days in recent memory.

The biggest thing to talk about is of course, Jim Thome's 600th Career Home Run. The big blast which put Thome into the rare company of one-name power-hitting legends (Ruth, Mays, Griffey, et. al), also put the Twins on top for good en route to a win (another rare feat, at least in recent weeks). While Jimbo's milestone was not nearly as hyped as Derek Jeter's 3,000th

hit, the coverage of his accomplishment has been great to see and hear. ESPN made it a front page story last night, the New York Times gave it a nice write up, and a host of pundits, commentators and personalities have given kind-hearted credit to the humble country boy who reached this level of achievement.

Watching the event itself live was great, and watching Thome attempt to verbalize the experience shortly afterwards was great in a different way. First an interview with his dad might have been the most adorable thing on Twins TV all year; particularly when Poppa Thome teared up and said "[Jim] has always been special even before he hit baseballs" [Suck on that Field of Dreams!]. Then in his press conference hearing Thome call everything about the experience "cool" almost prompted us to get snarky, but honestly, the whole experience was cool, and if I was in that situation at the culmination of my whole career I'm pretty sure "cool" would be more eloquent than anything I could come up with.

And while Jimbo's big day was down right historic, we would be remiss if we didn't mention that a personal favorite of mine, Delmon Young, got traded to the Tigers. Admittedly, Delmon has not been everyone's favorite Twin, but since I purchased his jersey I felt that I ought to give him my irrational devotion and stubbornly believe that he would suddenly learn to lay off sliders low-and-away and practice more direct routes to flies to left. So, while others pointed out his struggles and failings, I kept cheering, and so I have cheered for the last three-and-a-half years.

Naturally, now that he's out of a Twins uniform I won't watch him as much, or cheer for him as fiercely, but I certainly do wish him the very best as his career continues (as long as it happens against teams other the Twins). And, since he's gone I can now invest all of my irrational fandom into believing that Tsuyoshi Nishioka is about to hit a homerun.

At the end of the day the Twins got the Win, Thome got his milestone, Delmon got a fresh start and we fans got a wildly entertaining day of baseball...it wasn't how we planned to get back into the blogging habit...but it was a lot of fun and it prompts just one question:

Can we do that again?

Wha' Happened?

2011-08-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody!! We're back from our honeymoon in Thailand! While we liked Muy Thai boxing just fine, we definitely missed the baseball. So, how have things been going since the Texas series?

....oh, really? we've lost 9 of the last 12?

........and we've gone from 6 back to 11.5 back?

............and we didn't add anybody or ditch any underperformers at the trade deadline?

...................and people are posting unconfirmed reports of Gardy's job being in jeopardy?

............................and Cuddy just got hurt?

Well.

Uh....

How 'bout them Minnesota Lynx, eh?!? Go SIMONE "CEASAR" AUGUSTUS!!!!

Seriously though, while we're happy to cheer the lovely ladies of the Lynx (and write alliterative phrases/historical nicknames about them), we'll keep watching the Twins and cheering for them with all that we've got until the season ends, no matter how bad it gets.

So best of luck to the Twins as the head into Detroit and best of luck to our fellow fans as we try to keep the faith and love going through the season.

4 Games, 200 Words

2011-07-28T19:33:00.001-07:00

Everything is bigger in Texas, but since we don't need to compensate for anything, we're going to summarize the Twins 4 game set in just 200 words. (Time is short; ergo brevity wins the day)

Monday: Rangers 20-Twins 6

This game looked so bad early on we were almost tempted to watch Sex & the City 2. On the plus side, Cuddy did this.

Tuesday: Twins 9-Rangers 8

Tempted though we were to avoid another night of heartbreak, sticking around for all nine innings paid off with a stirring comeback win and Joe Nathan tying a team record for saves.

Wednesday: Twins 7-Rangers 2

Joe Mauer hit a home run! (Cue the Hallelujah chorus), and though Joe Nathan didn't get a record setting save, we scored a lot of runs and won! WOOT

Thursday: Rangers 4-Twins 1

We actually spent the night celebrating my grandfather's 83rd birthday. And since he's a Twin fan, we won't even bring up the game.

DONE! With 35 to spare. And now we must say that we're hitting the road for two weeks in Thailand. If we can we'll post...but dude, if you were in Thailand, would you?

See you in August!

Quick Thank Yous

2011-07-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

We spent most of the weekend writing Thank You notes to people who had given us many wondrous things for our recent wedding. But, we have neglected until now to write Thank You notes to the people who have given us the most wondrous gift of all: TWINS BASEBALL!

So here are a few notes we thought about during the weekend series against the Tigers.

Dear Jim Thome,

Thank you for the 596 Home Runs you have hit in your career thus far. It's true that some of them (like the one you hit for Chicago back in 2008) were not our favorites; but it is very nice to see you hit them out through sheer man muscle. We know you don't have to hit a home run every time up, but it's nice that you try to entertain us that way.

Sincerely,

Peanuts from Heaven

Dear Scott Baker,

Thank you for pitching 5 innings of not ugly baseball. We know that when you're not feeling well it can be difficult to go to work, especially when 40,000 people are judging your work, but your commitment was inspiring to see and was a truly unexpected delight this weekend--after Friday we were pretty sure Detroit was going to win them all. We look forward to your feeling better and pitching more in weeks to come.

Sincerely,

Peanuts from Heaven

Dear Delmon Young,

You might not know what this is...this is called a "Thank you" note, it's given to people who have done something good by people who appreciate it. We figure that given the general antipathy toward you, you might not have received one of these before. We would like to thank you for wagging your tongue mid at-bat, it allows us to imagine that you are secretly Michael Jordan and will one day shock us by slam dunking a home run over center field. Also, when you lay off sliders low and away, it's like there's a 200 piece orchestra in my heart.

Sincerely,

Peanuts from Heaven

Dear Joe Nathan,

We have missed you terribly, and it is so wonderful to see you fist pump and to hear "Stand Up and Shout" and to count the horse flutters before you throw a knockout pitch. So yeah, just thanks for showing up. We're excited to see you more in the weeks, months and maybe years to come (if you're up for it).

Sincerely,

Peanuts from Heaven

Dear Bill Smith,

Thank you for doing your job and keeping your cool despite the near ceaseless jabbering of the masses who have asked for umpteen zillion trades. We know the trade deadline is less than a week away so you're awfully busy but we thought we would thank you (before we rejoin the rest of the jabbering masses who demand you make a zillion trades).

Sincerely,

Peanuts from Heaven

Mr. Clutch

2011-07-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

For the first time in 6 years the Twins won two games based on game-winning RBI's by the same player delivered after the 7th inning. The last player to do this was Jacque Jones, today it is Danny Valencia. While I'm well aware that statisticians and serious baseball writers insist that there is no such thing as "Clutch" hitting. Good and bad hitters will hit at the same rate with runners on base, with bases empty, with no outs, with two outs, with a two run lead, trailing by four, in the second inning or the twenty-second. This, is probably true.

But things that are true belong on other blogs, we prefer the impractical, illogical, imagined dream of the game--if only because that's the kind of game that we find most enjoyable. So while others will tell you not to get too excited about Danny V's sudden surge of timely hitting, we want you to buy in...and hopefully buy this product that Danny himself would like to introduce...Danny?

Thank you Peanuts--I'm proud to use this setting to announce my new, and utterly chimerical business venture. And to do so, I'm going to ask you readers to hear my words swoon off the screen as I whisper them gruffly and look broodingly into the camera.

Twins fans, they say that clutch doesn't exist; they say it is a foolish dream; they say it's a figment of your imagination.

They are wrong.

Sure, there's no mathematical equation for clutch...but there is a chemical one...and it can be yours as it has always been mine.

Peanuts from Heaven is proud to introduce

CLUTCH

The new fragrance by Danny Valencia

Available next to Dumbledore's Powdered Unicorn Horn at all Peanut From Heaven Superstores

Scott Diamond and the Field of Mugginess

2011-07-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy...it is HOT. Minneapolis is in a bout of heat and humidity that literally rivals the Amazonian rainforest. It is not yet hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, but you could probably poach one in the air if you wanted to. It is so muggy that mosquitos soon may need to start an anti-obesity program. Into these swampy circumstances the Twins trotted out for two games yesterday, and they lost them both. We could throw in the towel...but we need that towel to soak in ice water and keep cool. Also, baseball's more fun if you're positive and optimistic.

Because of that, I just want to give a special shout out to Scott Diamond, whose first major league start last night was neither awe-inspiring nor god awful; but regardless of how the game turned out or how Diamond performed he looked as pleased as punch just to be there, and his having fun left me feeling pretty good about life.

Maybe it was Diamond's boyish enthusiasm, maybe it was spending all-day Saturday watching a certain movie franchise from start to finish, maybe it was both of these plus the aforementioned sweltering heat making me a little loopy, but I suddenly imagined that instead of a call to come to Minneapolis, Mr. Diamond got this letter (which totally isn't real, but totally ought to be):

Mr. S. Diamond

The Bullpen Under the Bleachers

Rochester, NY

Mr. Diamond,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to pitch at Targwarts Field of Switch-Hitting Craft and Wizardry. We have been monitoring your progress as an apprentice pitching Wizard and would like to provide you with appropriate tutelage to master your skills. Please bring your own glove, spikes and dehumidifying bubble charm to protect you from oppressive heat in the area. We will be unable to reimburse you for any travel expenses, but if you could arrange travel to the Minneapolis Airport via broomstick we will provide the blue ox drawn carriage to ferry you to Targwarts.

We shall expect your arrival by 6 o'clock on Monday, July 18th, should you fail to arrive we will assume you have been killed by the Steinbrenner who Shall not be Named.

Yours Sincerely,

Ronald Gardenhire

Keeper of Keys, Grounds and Line-up Cards at Targwarts Field

P.s. This totally isn't rookie hazing...we really are wizards, I promise!

Getting better with age

2011-07-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

Despite the, shall we say, "less-than-ideal" outcome of Friday night's game; the Twins battled back this weekend and won their series against the Kansas City Royals. In so doing, they showed pluck, determination, resiliency and a lot of gray hairs.

The Twins have played well lately, thanks largely to the energetic play of rookies rising to the occasion, so now and then its nice to see some of our more grizzled veterans deliver right when we need them.

Exhibit A: After the fury of Twin Cities' fans blew up in the face of one Matthew Capps, Twins Manager/Kindly Grandfather Figure Ron Gardenhire defended Capps from the rampaging horde and then saved him from future furor by giving the closer's job back to the grand ol' man of the bullpen: Dread Pirate Joe Nathan.

Contrary to reports, the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has not been retired for two years and living like a king in Patagonia, instead he was sailing around the Caribbean looking for the fountain of youth to repair his pitching/swashbuckling arm. Half-way through the trip he picked up a bootleg copy of the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie; saw that Blackbeard & Jack Sparrow had beaten him there and made a terrible movie about it, and returned to Minnesota. TA-DA two saves in two days.

Exhibit B: While the Dread Pirate's return elicited many cheers and many more "YAAAARRRS!" the biggest hit of the weekend belongs to our very own Paul Bunyan Impersonator Jim Thome.

Launching a 464 foot blast to centerfield, Jimbo looked every bit like the smoke monster of old, the one that terrified and destroyed us in his years with the White Sox or the Indians. And while that was cool to see, it was even more amusing to see others react to the blast Delmon Young’s jaw dropped to the on-deck circle, Ben Revere stood at home plate arms raised, looking like a toddler asking his dad for a piggy-back ride.

The Twins needed every run of the three-run shot to stave off another Royals comeback, but they did it, and they did it thanks to the grand old men of the game. So we tip our caps to our grizzled vets, Joe Nathan and Jim Thome.

Stay hydrated today guys, we’re not letting you ride off into the sunset just yet.

Gains from Trade

2011-07-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

As we learned in Economics 101, both parties in a trade should feel as if they are gaining something. This has almost nothing to do with what I'm about to write but I figured I should at least try to establish some credibility before writing something totally ridiculous, so I threw some economics terms around to make myself sound smart.

After tonight's game, we can't help but wonder - when will Dread Pirate Nathan finally get sick of this, yell "ARRRR!" and swashbuckle Capps down into the briny sea with the Kraken?

After one tweeter posted something along the lines of "The Twins should trade Matt Capps for a handful of those Subway 50-cents off a 6 inch sub coupons," we wondered what else would be a fair trade for our ninth-inning-disaster-maker.

TOP 10 THINGS WE SHOULD TADE MATT CAPS FOR

1) A rock - rocks are useful as doorstops and paperweights, and they don't generally blow saves.

2) One Peanut M&M - Peanut M&M's are amazing - one might actually be too much.

3) Michelle Bachman - it would get her out of politics, and she probably has a secret 95mph fastball.

4) A Minty Toothpick from Rudolph's BBQ - those are some good toothpicks

5) Shah-Ruk Kahn - A trade for the gloried Bollywood star would definitely be weighted heavily in our favor, but Shah-Ruk could really help the team with his impeccable hair, sexy dance moves and boyish vulnerability. Win!

6) Some pocket lint

7) The chance to punch the Klondike Bar ad executive in the face

8) A Backstreet Boys CD - I've been having a hankering to listen to "I Want it That Way" but my copy is missing.

9) Magic Beans - hopefully the previous owners would not recognize their magic properties, and we would get the chance to climb a beanstalk and steal some golden shin guards from Joe Mauer.

10) Pavano's Moustache - we want it back

... in all seriousness though, I have to give props to Gardy for sticking up for his players. Even though I don't always agree with him, I do always respect him.

Lessons from the All-Star Game

2011-07-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

First and foremost we learned that Arizonians like to boo things, anything really: Ben Revere, Divisional Rivals, Non-Divisional Rivals, Yankees, Non-Yankees, adorable puppies, you name it and people in Arizona will boo it.

Second, Moneyball starring Brad Pitt comes out September 23rd.

Third, I learned that my father takes his prepositions very seriously. After LaVelle E Neal tweeted "Cliff Lee in for the Phillies", my father, looking over my shoulder said..."Actually, it should be Cliff Lee, of the Phillies coming in for the national league" and went on..."puts his toes on the rubber and serves up a gopher ball to Adrian Gonzalez of the Boston Red Sox for a solo home run, to put the American League on top 1 to 0." (Clearly I've inherited some nerdiness from the old man.

We also discovered that Justin Timberlake, was able to give voice to America's common rage and tossed a little smack talk at Joe Buck. "You're calling a great game Joe...just GREAT!" may replace "Heckuva Job Brownie!" as America's favorite sarcastic compliment. OH, also...Justin Timberlake has a movie coming out soon, but it will come out before Moneyball debuts in theatres September 23rd.

My mother learned of the existence of the MLB Fan Cave, but was thoroughly disappointed by the fact that it seems to be an all boys club. C'mon baseball, ladies like the sport too! So, Major League executives, please consider giving my mom a job in the Fan Cave next year. This would both make her happy and give all of America access to the excellent television of my mother knitting David Ortiz a hat, scolding Brian Wilson to shave his beard mid-interview, and wagging a finger at any player who disputes an ump.

Sixth, no one told Heath Bell that the All-Star Game was a serious business, so he slid into the mound while coming in to pitch. What do you think this is Heath Bell? Some kind of game?!?? What in the name "All-Star Game" would make you think that it was a "Game" to be "played" as though you were child-like and carefree?!?!? Seriously! Some people...

Seventh, Oh yeah...the NL won, their second all-star win in a row. After winning 2 of the last 3 World Series AND increasing their win total in interleague play for three straight years, it might be time to stop thinking of the National League as the inferior league.

And finally, even though he flew out on the first (and only) pitch he saw, Michael Cuddyer gave me a great idea for a new tv show. Cuddy would play a straight laced, All-American do-gooder doctors (with an adorable magic hobby) and Brian Wilson would play his wacky, goofball, nonsequitur-spouting, anti-establishment partner (who still gets results). I can see it now: THURSDAYS on TNT after Rizzoli & Isles and Franklin & Bash it's Cuddyer & Wilson...two men who play by their OWN RULES...and the rules of Major League Baseball! {It could even debut before the September 23rd release of Moneyball on September 23rd!)

The second half of the season starts tonight with the Twins taking on the Royals. And if you want to mull over the Twins chances to make the playoffs look no further than the next two weeks as the Twins will play 16 games against 4 teams, including 12 against Central Division rivals (all at home). And if you just want to sit back and watch baseball...well, you can do that too.

How Far We've Come in Four Years

2011-07-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

(Seemingly Random Sidenote that will be Relevant Later: sorry that we posted neither tweets nor blogs this last weekend, normally taking 3 out of 4 from the White Sox in Chicago would get our trash-talking going full bore...but we had other things to do the last four days)

It's hard to believe but tonight is the fourth All-Star game that we Peanuts from Heaven will be watching/blogging/making fun of since starting this account of the Twins and our love of baseball.

We've seen Justin Morneau slide home safely in old Yankee Stadium, watched Carl Crawford save the day in St. Louis, seen the NL finally win one in Anaheim and now we get to watch Michael Cuddyer play his first all-star game in the arid air of Arizona. So seeing another midsummer classic come around is a sign that we're ready for another great year of bloggery. So, even though the mothership of sports media [*CouESPNgh!*] will poutingly proclaim that it's not a real All-Star Game because it doesn't really have all the best players, we're pretty pumped.

We're pumped because, it feels like this little blog really led to something. See, we started this blog because we were two friends, with a shared passion for the same baseball team and the same brand of nerdery. We've never aimed to be the Kingpins of the Twins blogosphere, just tried to carve out a little niche for our brand of silliness and fandom, and it seems that we've done that. But we've done other things too.

We've delved into baseball lore and history through Ken Burns' documentary and discovered a deep-rooted connection to the Pirates of Pittsburgh and Honus Wagner. We've gone to games in domes and the open air, in Milwaukee, St. Louis and Kansas City, and we're excited to go to more. We've found a whole society of people just as passionate and weird and fanatical as us (and some of them even agree with our whole Yankees = Vampires theory).

Through it all we'vebeen friends, and, as often happens with close friends who share common interests, passions and senses of humor we started to see one another as more than just friends. We had quasi-dates to ballgames and Twins Fest. Our first kiss happened near the end of the Baseball documentary. We've held hands during rallies and shared scotches after losses. So, after a courtship, dating, and an engagement, last weekend we got married in front of our friends and family. (Hence the absence of posts during the weekend...see told you that seemingly random sidenote would make sense eventually)

All in all it was a pretty great weekend. Sure, we were a little bummed that the one loss occurred on the day of our wedding (during our ceremony), but we assume this was because Joe Mauer suddenly realized he might end up being the old spinster of 2001 high school graduates, and Joe Nathan was bummed he couldn't have a slice of cake. And since they went right back to winning the next day, we trust our marriage will not impede the Twins play.

It's been wonderful to share our love of baseball with all of you readers for the last four years; almost as nice as it has been to discover our love for each other. Don't worry, we'll keep the quirky posts and quips coming...marriage might make us seem more adult, but baseball will always keep us young.

Peanuts pre-dating (9/2008) Peanuts 5 Days pre-wedding (7/2011)

What are we doing with the other 54?

2011-07-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

If you're a baseball fan you're probably already familiar with two kinds of comments--the hyperbolic, and the cliche. If you want to see the hyperbolic just read a twitter feed with the "Twins" hashtag after yesterday's game and you'll see things like: "Season's over" and "Winning this series means nothing--we will get swept in Chicago", and more insults to Joe Mauer's manhood than there are lakes in this state.

While fans erupt in hyperbolic fury, players and coaches tend to rely on cliches to soothe the savage beasts and make things seem a little rosier. These are things we've all heard like "we gotta take them one day at a time", "they really battled their tails off out there", etc., etc., etc. These simple, familiar phrases that are at least partially true but are also so overused that eventually you ignore them all together lest your eyes start to bleed.

But cliches are part of baseball, and just because they're hackneyed doesn't mean they're wrong. Tom Kelly spouted one of my favorite cliches yesterday: "Every team's going to win 54 games, every team's going to lose 54 games, it's what you do with the other 54 that matters". Like all cliches it's partly true (in the past 50 years only four teams have lost fewer than 54 games, and 7 non-expansion teams have won fewer than 54), and since this year's Twins are neither as awesome as the '69 Baltimore Orioles nor as hapless as the '03 Detroit Tigers we can assume it will hold for our current season too. So I wondered, if I did the math could I see whether we should cling to the hope in that little cliche, or join the torch and pitchfork carriers?

So, let's look at the math in the Twins' record so far. Right now the Twins are 38-47. Of those 47 losses, 19 have been one-run losses; games where a different bounce a different call might have altered the play of the game enough to give us a win. Of course 18 of the wins have been one-run wins that might have gone the other way had an ump made a different decision. So let's say that these one-run games fall into the "What you do with the other 54" category.

Taking away the one run games the Twins are 20-28. Now we could put all those games in the "54 you're going to win/54 you're going to lose" categories, but that might be a little too simple (after all--some one-run games you're totally overwhelmed by a great pitcher, and some two or three run losses all pivot on a blown strike three call). But I think we can definitely put the blowouts (wins/losses of 5 runs or more) in these categories. The Twins have gone 10-16 in blow-outs, giving up 63 more runs than they score. So we've definitely got the "losing the 54 games you're supposed to lose" thing down; hopefully we'll figure out the other thing in the second half.

Take away the blowouts and the toss-ups and we have just 22 games left. The Twins are a nail-biting 10-12 in those games. For the sake of my argument (and considering that we gave up 12 more runs than we scored) let's say 7 of those games we won like we should have, and 8 we lost like we ought (I might be wrong...but how would anyone know?). The 7 games that could have gone either way seem to have broken 3-4 against us.

Tally it all up and we have cheered for 17 of the games we were bound to win; we've fallen in 24 of the games we were doomed to lose; and in the final 54? We've gone 21 and 23--leaving just 10 toss up games left. If we balance everything out from here on in, winning 37 that we're supposed to, losing 30 we're supposed to we'll be at 75-77.

If we can win our 10 remaining toss-up games will get to 85-77, not our best record, not a guaranteed play-off berth, but definitely a positive outcome for a team that floundered for the first two months. Maybe it's foolish to break the wins and losses into a silly cliche. Maybe I'm pulling these numbers out of my butt [okay, not maybe...definitely] but when I break down the numbers in this little corner of the blogosphere, there's no reason to turn off the games or bury the team just yet.

Hyperbole might be more fun to write than cliche; but honestly, Tom Kelly is probably right "you're going to win 54, you're going to lose 54, it's what you do with the 54 that matters".

WWFFS?

2011-07-02T14:01:00.001-07:00

If you saw our twitter feed yesterday (or on the right hand nav there) you'll see that we went to Target Field yesterday...and not just Target Field...an Event Suite in Target Field.

While this was probably a one time occurrence (unless a lottery ticket pays off or we write the great American novel in our spare time, it was absolutely amazing to sit back and soak up the joys of a day at the ballpark, with friends, family and 40,000 fellow fans. As if it wasn't enough to appreciate all that, we got to do it from an air conditioned box with plenty of hot dogs, complimentary popcorn and more cookies & brownies than even a rampaging horde of teenagers could consume.

This, my brother Simon would tell you is America at it's best. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Watching TC bounce around the field in his Uncle Sam gear, and cheering Brian Duensing's surprising shut-out (not to mention Danny & Cuddy's long-ball-a-palooza), left me to wonder...what would the founding fathers say [WWFFS] if they could see how we celebrate independence today?

Then I imagined this conversation in the seats around me:

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie! This is totally awesome!!

James Madison: True General! Who would have thought that our humble nation would expand thus westward, stretch yea skyward, and develop diversions so rapturous as to ensorscle the mind and senses?

Thomas Jefferson: I would have...I bought this place.

James Madison: Thomas, just because you bought Lousiana doesn't mean you bought...

Thomas Jefferson: Excuse me? I knew that our ever expanding populace would need more land to exercise their freedom and liberty. Therefore I purchased this land from Napoleon, therefore people explored and settled on it, therefore I am responsible for all of this awesomeness that you see...me...myself...I.

James Madison: But...

Thomas Jefferson: T-JEFF IN THE HOUSE!!!

George Washington: Who is that grandfatherly chap who keeps drinking milk on yon jumbotron? He exudes the fortitude of character and strong bones of natural leader.

Thomas Paine: That is Ronald Gardenhire, General. I should know...he is also a man of Common Sense! Ha HaHA! Ha.......Dost thou get my jest?!?

George Washington: Of course Thomas, but pray, don't be that dude, the Adamses are bad enough.

John Adams & Sam Adams: [Drunkenly staggering around] Red SAAWWWWXXXXX!!!! $*%& YOU DAMON!!! $*%&ING TRAITOR!!! BIG PAPI'D KICK YER AAAASSSSSSS!!!!!!!

John Adams: Get anudder beeeear Sammy.

Sam Adams: You get it...I made it...

John Adams: I was President...

Sam Adams: Yeah...fer just FOUR YEARS!! [John and Sam Adams start fighting]

George Washington: My but it's fun to watch that Revere lad run, wouldn't you say?

James Madison: Indeed sir, I wonder if he's any relation the Boston silversmith?

Thomas Paine: Unlikely James, Mr. Revere had an altogether different complexion

Thomas Jefferson: Yeah...they couldn't possibly be distantly related through forbidden love...

John & Sam Adams: Paul Revere's a #*%&!#_%&%!#%*^!@*&$^!@*%&

James Madison: OH MY! Did you see that play by Master Cuddyer! He leapt like an antelope and snared it with inestimable grace!

Thomas Jefferson: Indeed, it was rather impressive...though not quite as impressive as my invention of the dumbwaiter, which inspired the elevator which brought our fine catered meal to us this evening!

Thomas Paine: Thomas...

Thomas Jefferson: Do you doubt me? Have you forgotten that my quill coined the phrases that we honor this day? Have you forgotten that I begat the public university system from whence our youths have continuously developed their wisdom and the architectural schema of this very coliseum? What have you done to led our nation to this moment, T-Paine, other than write a dull pamphlet and invent auto-tuning?

Thomas Paine: Actually...that was the other T-Pain.

Thomas Jefferson: I thought so...now if you'll excuse me...[walks towards next box] Hello ladies, you can call me T-Jeff, what digits might I use to call you?

James Madison: It's okay, Thomas, you know T-Jeff...he's...well...

Ben Franklin: He certainly is. Now come men, you should eat more of these fine Hessian sausages. I had expected more Francophile cuisine to survive through the ages. But apparently the French, like my aphorisms, stink after 200 hundred years or so. What say you General Washington?

George Washington: I swear this Thome fellow used to deliver my morning news when he was a lad!

In case it's not clear from this rather silly set of dialogue, I'm a big nerd who not only loves baseball but also American history, and gently ribbing the founding fathers (they didn't want to be kings or nobles, I think they'd allow it).

Thanking the little people

2011-06-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

June is over, with the Twins playing really well for about half of it, and sort of mediocre for the other half. This past month we've started to get a few players back [Nishioka, Mauer, Thome], and we've lost a few others [Kubel, Span, Delmondo]; we've discovered the joys of having Ben Revere scoop up almost everything within a square mile of Target Field and come to re-appreciate the pitching brilliance of Messers Baker, Blackburn and Pavano (plus Liriano when the stars align)

But it seems that the blogosphere and twitterverse and pretty much every armchair manager who calls into talk radio fixates on the big names (as my "To Mock or Not to Mock Mauer" posts attest). So today we decided to turn our attention away from the sideburned center of attention, and consider a couple other guys who trot out there, give it their all, and head home without drawing accolades or much discussion. So, let's give them their moment in the blogging spotlight now...before we forget all about them over the rest of July.

Luke Hughes: despite failing to land a middle infield spot out of spring training, or in April...or May...Hughes has finally stuck as the team's first baseman with Justin Morneau recovering from surgery (at least until Michael Cuddyer finishes playing both right field and the Pirate King in the Guthrie's Pirates of Penzance...then he can relearn 1st and get back to illustrating his series of children's books). Hughes has delivered a few clutch hits and done a fine job digging out the throws from our League of Nations infield. While we were tempted to simply cry "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie (oi, oi, oi)" whenever he came to the plate, we've lately decided to hold on to the theory that he's a distant descendent of Luke Skywalker. [Think about it: Tatooine is basically the Australian outback; and he does train at the Dagobah Gym/Jedi Academy.] So thank you Luke Hughes, for playing first base and giving us a chance to let our geek flag fly.
Glen Perkins: I have often assumed that Glen Perkins joined the team after welostDennys Reyes, simply because Perkins was the new official family friendly restaurant of the Minnesota Twins (if Perkins leaves the team we better sign somebody named Applebee, or Chuck E. Cheese). But truth be told, Perkins might be the most comforting face you can see come out of the bullpen, regardless of whether he comes with free refills or not. Watching him deliver clutch strike outs in the 8th inning makes each game seem winnable...no matter how Matt Capps toys with our emotions in the 9th.
Danny Valencia: I know he's got a cult following, but his middling play early left us all looking elsewhere. So it's been nice to see Danny Boy knocking a few over the fence in the month of June, and while we all might like those hits to come a skosh more consistently, there's nothing wrong with using the good ol Valen-SEE-YA shout out when they fly into the stands. Stinky's dad suggested that Danny might be in Gardenhire's doghouse for some poor base running decisions, but as long as he catches a snipe now and then, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Any other small fishies who you think don't get the respect they deserve? (Casilla, Burnett, Rene Rivera?) Leave your comments below and we'll give them their due Peanuts style (which is to say with a little sass and a lot of encouragement. That's how we roll...like weird (but loving) relatives.

Know Thy Enemy: Los Angeles Dodgers

2011-06-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Confession time: I should, be all rights and rationale be a fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers. Living in Minnesota makes cheering for the Twins a little more natural but my family, my hometown and my first experiences as a fan are all tied to the Dodger blue.

My father was born in Brooklyn, and growing up I always liked the thought of his stroller rolling by Ebbets Field. A few years ago, before she passed, my grandmother confessed that she had always loved the Dodgers, listened to Vin Scully every day and repeatedly pleaded with my grandfather to let her set aside a little money for tickets to a game together. (He stubbornly refused, but that didn't stop her from debating the fate of Dem Bums with every neighbor and local shopkeeper she met.)

When I was a kid, growing up in Great Falls, Montana, there weren't many chances to watch baseball so I read about it instead: the sports pages all summer long, and in the winter I'd pour over biographies of legends always gravitating towards Dodger greats like Duke Snider, Pee Wee Reese and Roy Campanella. There was a Rookie League Dodgers affiliate that played a half-mile from my house. On summer night I could hear batters announced and fans cheer even if I wasn't at the game. This was a pretty great time to watch young Dodger talent, with young guns who would Rookies-of-the-year season after season for the big club, it felt like we were part of something bigger than ourselves. Hence, our dogged loyalty to Eric Karros, Raul Mondesi, John Wettland, Jose Offerman and a stringy pitcher with a whip like arm named Pedro Martinez. (That list also includes current Dodgers James Loney and Johnathan Broxton and everybody's favorite Twin Cities soul patch: Jason Repko.)

Between my grandmother, my deep appreciation of Dodger lore and spending summers cheering the blue and white, it sure seems like I should be a Dodger fan...and yet?

The move from Brooklyn broke my grandmother's heart.
The ownership's total dismissal of classic players (see Koufax, Sandy) makes it hard to connect current Dodgers to old Dodgers
Squandering all the young talent we helped nurture made cheering for the major league club difficult.
When the Dodgers left Great Falls for Ogden, Utah the staff made a point of saying: "This is where we should have always been" (the sense being...that place we sent our young players for two decades? Yeah, they suck. Screw 'em.)
And watching last night...well the less said about that the better.

Long story short, I know the Dodgers are supposed to be an elite franchise, and with all my history with them, maybe I should cut them some slack. But the truth is the Dodgers always seem not to care if you like them or not...in fact I think they'd just as soon run over opponents, fans, support staff and team legends for the sake of an owner's whim.

All in all, the Dodgers are a thoroughly unlikable franchise (at least in my personal opinion), the Yankees of the West Coast/National League. So c'mon Twins...for your sake, for my sake, for the sake of all that is good and pure and just in the world...whup dem Bums!

Whose side are you on?

2011-06-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the delay in posting this week. A variety of factors have kept us a little preoccupied this week, not the least of which is the fact that, much as I love blogging, I will probably need to find a source of income sooner or later (preferably sooner) so as to buy the foodstuffs that will keep me alive and help me continue writing this blog!

While I've been focusing on that whole employment thing, I've still made time for the Twins (Note the Twitter feed) and in the process seen something that makes me wonder. As my last post indicates, Twins fans have been watching the return of Joe Mauer with rapt attention. But while we're all watching closely, the motivation for and reaction to watching the Chairman hit differs depending on whose side you're on.

One group, which I will refer to as Team Mauer, gets anxious, downright antsy watching the return of the home town hero, hoping that this swing, this swing right here, will be the one to start a torrid hit streak, boost his average, justify his contract, shut up the haters, save every kitty cat stuck in a tree and lead the Twins to a superlative second half. (And when he swings and chops one to second the sigh, or groan and think...okay...next time FOR SURE!)

The other group, which I will refer to as Team Dour, seems to seek the exact opposite. They hear the T.I. music play, see him step into the box and want to see that he is the overrated, overpaid, over-pampered punk that web commenters and radio pundits have slammed for weeks. He isn't the golden god that others have seen, he's barely more deserving of a roster spot than his fellow Minnesotans who would kill to put on the Navy & Red and would do it all without once taking a break for a national shampoo commercial. And with each swing and meager three-hopper, they explode with a "DAMMIT! BUTERA HITS BETTER THAN THAT!!"

Maybe I'm over simplifying by making it Team Mauer V.s. Team Dour. (Hey, I can rhyme!!) Those who explode might be just as hopeful that he snaps out of it, and those who hope may some day become as disaffected as those who scorn our side-burned catcher. I suppose that nobody is so cynical as to actively want Mauer to fail (especially when his play can so easily affect the rest of the team--both postively and negatively). But it's clear to me that these are new emotions to associate with Mauer at-bats. Where once there was unadulterated enthusiasm and a smidge of civic pride now there is fear, blind hope and critical disdain...Really?

I don't fully fathom it all...but that's what the social side of this blog is for! So leave a comment below to swear your allegiance to Team Mauer, Team Dour or just to explain what you think the problem is (with Mauer, the Twins, or society in general). I share my ideas, what are yours?

Welcome Back Joe Mauer

2011-06-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Now that Tsuyoshi Nishioka is back and bouncing over photographers for his own amusement (or so we assume), we can turn our attention to the even more exciting fact that Joseph Stanislas* Mauer is back in a Twins uniform. *Note, his real middle name is Patrick...but come on...he's old school enough it just feels like we should use an old-timey baseball legend's name as his middle name...so I'll try a few out during this blog.

When last we saw Joseph Tyrus Mauer, he was hobbled by "bilateral leg weakness" which is to say...both of his legs felt weak. That turned into an infection which pointed out a sore shoulder and heel which led to many many weeks of rehab and many many vitriolic posts by Twins fans complaining about the millions of dollars invested in the next eight years of Joseph Honus Mauer's career.

Apparently, some Twins fans love the hometown kid turned big league hero when he's playing the game rather than trying to prepare his body to play the game. Others believe he's "soft" or "weak" because, after all, if you can sit in a cubicle and leave chat room posts in between filling out TPS reports you're definitely know how difficult it is to catch 9 innings of baseball 130 times per year while maintaining a .300 batting average and leading your team to the playoffs. But most people were probably just frustrated that the team was doing so poorly and vented their frustration on Joseph Denton Mauer because he wasn't there and he could probably use $100 bills as kleenexes. (We assume he's frugal enough to just use $20s...he is midwestern after all)

At yesterday's press conference Mauer admitted that he too was frustrated, and even claimed that "nobody's been more frustrated than me". Wouldn't you be frustrated too if you missed out on all the fun the team's been having lately? Ben Revere's wild energy? Michael Cuddyer's nightly one-man magic/performance art shows? Carl Pavano & Scott Baker's ugly facial hair contests? Delmon Young's book club (seriously he cited the "remora" as the new piranha... Delmon's an inspiration to nerds everywhere)? Miss out on all that and the recent team resurgence and I'm sure you'd be frustrated too.

But now that Joseph Matthewson Mauer has rejoined the Twins there should be happier days ahead. Still we should all take a deep breath and remember: no matter how Mauer performs in an individual game, no matter how many aches and pains he suffers, there will be moments of frustration: for him, for Gardy, for us as fans. He won't always play like a legend in the making, and while I understand that some people might want to proclaim that observation and their frustration about it throughout the blogoverse or on top of a mountain or in a factory full of megaphones.

I don't.

I say this not to belittle those who do want to proclaim their feelings about Mauer or to denounce them as poopy-heads, but simply because in a life time of watching baseball sometimes you get lucky enough to watch a truly special player ply their craft in front of your very eyes. As Twins fans: right here, right now, Joeseph Mauer is that player.

I just want to appreciate that, however long it lasts.

A dream come true...maybe

2011-06-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time coming, but Tsuyoshi Nishioka is about to make his home debut in a Twins uniform. Athletes dream of playing at the highest level of competition, and while Nishioka did that for a whole 6 games earlier this season, he has yet to do it in front of a stadium filled with people rooting for him to succeed. It was a treat to watch him smile and laugh around the ballpark last night, signing autographs, watching from the dugout railing, harassing Delmon Young. (Sidenote: I want those two to star in a tv show about mismatched cop partners with Delmon as the taciturn, embittered veteran and Nishioka as the rookie trying to find his way on the tough Minneapolis streets). Congratulations are due to you Tsuyoshi, I hope that today and all the days to come exceed your wildest dreams.

I also hope that because last night I had a dream that things didn't exactly work out that way. There were groundballs slipping through every infield spot, and Carl Pavano was stalking around foul territory threatening to beat up everybody because they all looked like gatorade tanks. Then Alexi Ramirez slid into second and blew up Valencia, Nishioka, Casilla, Tolbert and Hughes. Gardenhire's attempts to clone 4 Michael Cuddyers to man all the infield positions went awry and suddenly we were back to the disaster zone we had in April. I woke up convinced that this had really happened and had to seriously think to remember that we had won last night and nobody had gotten blowed up.

So bottom line, if someone's dream has to come true today let's hope its just Nishioka's and not mine. Both for the good of the Twins and to avoid both explosions and disastrous experiments in cloning.

A few things

2011-06-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

Oh hey guess what, it's still raining! But that doesn't mean things aren't still happening... like Morneau is on the 15 day DL. That is a thing that happened. Also Nishioka might play today...that's another thing that could happen. But, like I said it's still raining so we might not play today at all.

As of last week, I am a working lady again - done with school and back into the real world. It would appear that the real world consists mainly of making powerpoints and spreadsheets - so just for giggles I made a spreadsheet comparing last year's starting lineup with this year's DL. Not to alarm anyone, or anything but check it out:

So yeah. That's all I really have to say about that. I haven't died - I still write for this blog (yes there are actually two of us... although I've been pretty MIA for the last few months), but now there will be much more stealth posts from work and fewer Twitters...Tweets...things... yes.

OK back to real (non-baseball) spreadsheets.

Kinda sorta pretty awesome

2011-06-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

After taking three out of four against the Rangers this weekend, hope is springing in the hearts of Twins fans all over the world. Sure, we're still in last place in the American League. Sure we still have the worst run differential in the American League. Sure our best players have a nasty habit of landing on the DL every 3.8 hours or so. But still....it's been pretty fun to watch Twins baseball lately. We know that it's a long road to climb back to contention or a .500 record or really much of anything, but as long as we keep seeing glimpses of the old Twins way back in the ball park. We're going to be happy.

Among our favorite moments from the past 10 days:

Ben Revere doing his best Superman impression in Centerfield
Scott Baker and Francisco Liriano making the league's best offense look silly
Debating whether or not Michael Cuddyer is physically capable of frowning
Gardy's press conferences including more uses of the grumbled phrase: "yeah, real good...real good win"
Alexi Casilla slipping base hits underneath every conceivable glove.
The bullpen not totally stinking.
Hearing Luke Hughes' very VERY Australian accent and wishing he'd mention "shrimp" "barbi" "Fosters" or "Melbourne".
The words "Joe Mauer's return" being used in the without the words "no timetable for" directly preceding it.

What are your favorite moments that have reminded you how fun it is to be a fan? Post them below, we'd love to hear them!

Draft "Analysis" in 5 Words or Less

2011-06-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

As I said earlier in the week, I enjoy sports drafts but the problem with the baseball draft is that MLB draftees are not like draftees in other major sports. Sure, they're all world class athletes but Baseball draft picks have the ability to turn down the club that picks them and hope for a higher pick, a different team or more money in future years [or they could pick up that bio-engineering degree they've always wanted].

So while we've drafted 50 players we likely won't sign them all. Of those we do sign, it's a safe bet that about 90% of them will see their careers peak in Elizabethton, Beloit, or Ft. Meyers. Careers end with one freak injury or because a younger player swoops past you in the organization, and lest we forget, there's every possibility that we'll trade one or five or seven of them for a proven #2 starter or some of those awesome magic beans everybody's talking about.

But, those are sad realities for another time. Now is a time to celebrate the accomplishment of getting drafted by a major league team and having a career opportunity lots of Americans can only dream of. To honor these young athletes we will analyze their game...but because we aren't very serious about silly things like "stats" or "facts", we'll do it all in 5 words or less of dumb jokes. [For serious coverage you can check out the NoDak Twins Fan; Seth Strohs and many other fine bloggers...for more silliness keep reading]

Seriously though: we want extend a hearty congrats to all those drafted, their friends and families: we hope that you succeed in your careers and enjoy these opportunities, you've worked hard and should be proud--we wish you the best and apologize for the foolishness that follows...but if you play baseball you're bound to hear foolish things from fans sooner rather than later.

Right-Handed Pitchers (19)

Matt Summers, CA--Summers, Wimmers, no fall/spring?

Hudson Boyd, FL--Young arm, great promise...maybe?

Madison Boer, OR [Pictured]--Wisconsin capitol or Afrikaaner dutchman?

Tyler Jones, LA--Bean pole from the bayou

Joshua Burris, LA--From: LSU-Eunice, Fighting Grandmas!!

Timothy Shibuya, CA--Hopefully pronounced: Shi-BOO-YEAH!

Nick Burdi, IL--Annoying catchphrase: "Watch the Burdi"

Trent Higginbotham, AL--Fit that on a jersey

Chris Mazza, CA--Went to Business School = $

William Clinard, TN--Every Vandy's a dandy

Garrett Jewell, NH--Sounds like a Hair Rocker

Alexander Keudell, OR--Second Ducks pitcher we drafted

Edwin McCord, AL--Not enough Edwins these days...

Kyle Barraclough, CA--Huzzah for the Scotsman!

Trevor Oakes, MN--6'5" Local Boy? Hells yes!

Robert O'Neill, CA--What's a Biola?

Cole Johnson, IN--Ex-Fighting Irish, Now Fighting Scandawhovian?

Garret Peterson, PA--Another Garret, really?

Bryan Burgher, WA--Mmmm...Burgher...[drool]

Left-Handed Pitchers (16)

Corey Williams, TN--Vanderbilt pitcher automatically promising

Steven Gruver, TN--Unfortunate last name

Jason Wheeler, CA--6'8" of intimidation

Brett Lee, FL--Never give up on lefties

Steven Evans, VA--Liberty University Grad

Adam McCreery, CA--Went to Pretty High School

Josue Montanez, FL--Should call curve "little friend"

Austin Malinowski, MN [Pictured]--Local Kid living the dream

Corey Kimes, IL--Plays in "Champaign" NOT Champagne

Michael Howard, AZ--Don't give up on lefties!

David Hurlbut, CA--Hehe, Hurl Butt :)

Derek Thompson, IL--From Teutopolis...City of TEUTS!

Dylan Chavez, CA--There's only one "American River"?

Matthew Tomshaw, FL--Congrats, you're free from Jackson-villians

Jared Dettmann, WI--Seriously, Lefties...Give up? NO!

John Hochstatter, CA--Name like a whooping cough

Infielders (11)

Levi Michael, SS, NC--Hey First-rounder, can I borrow $5?

Travis Harrison, 3B, CA--Potential power hitter (fingers crossed)

Tyler Grimes, SS, KS [Pictured]--No relation to Simpson's character

Nicholas Bryant, SS, AL--Only 170 lbs...probably scrappy

Matthew Koch, C, CA--J. Wheeler's teammate & hopefully, friend

Brian Anderson, SS, OK--Wasn't he a Chicago Outfielder?

Adam Pettersen, SS, MN--5'9, 170? Definitely scrappy.

Stephen Wickens, SS, FL--From Whitby, Ontario...Bravo Canada!

Phillip Chapman, C, TN--Memphis boy better bring ribs.

Julio Torres, 2B, PR--High School has "Baseball" in its name

Drake Roberts, 2B, TX--155 lbs & Texan...TOTALLY Scrappy

Outfielders (6)

Ivan (Derek) Rodriguez, CF, FL--Pudge's son, Dad's welcome anytime.

Tyler Koelling, CF, MS--Played at Brett Favre's school

James Ramsey, RF, FL [Pictured]--Played at Joe Mauer's [would-be] school

Ryan Tella, CF, CA--From Unpronounceable "Ohlone" College

Austin Barrois, OF, LA--Le Roi du Barrois!

Andrew Leachman, LF, AL--Sadly, unrelated to Cloris Leachman

Once again best of luck to all those drafted, and please, forgive the bad jokes, (especially David Hurlbut).

The Daylight Ride of Ben Revere

2011-06-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

It was great to see the Twins come away with a win today, a series victory and a (miraculously) winning road trip. And while the 9th inning home run off of Matt Capps was a little demoralizing it was great to watch as Ben Revere channeled the ghosts of fleet-footed outfielders past.

Photo Credit: Mark Duncan

A lot of people have likened Revere to Denard Span, what with the slap hitting and excellent range, others have said the smile seems more Kirby Puckett-esque, then again he also has the same number that Jacque Jones used to wear and he's already sparking the offense the way that Torii Hunter seemed to in his early days. But if you ask me I think that he's most like a certain 18th century Boston Silversmith/Rounders Deep-fielder/Patriot: Paul Revere.

The first big play, a solid single up the middle to knock in the game's first run was great. You could almost see him using that hit to tell young Cord Phelps and All-star-to-be Asdrubal Cabrera the same thing that Paul Revere told the British: "don't even try to catch me, because you can't take away our arms! [or in this case our arms or our bats]"

And then in the sixth inning, as he doubled, stole second, and came home on a Morneau double you could easily imagine him ringing those bells and riding his horse and firing warning shots just like Paul Revere. (Only of course his horse was invisible and he wasn't allowed to fire a gun or ring bells...if only Paul Revere had used some kind of light based technology I could liken say two lanterns to his smile....)

And in the 10th, his single to left said with certainty that Drew Butera would be secure/safe at home and that we would be free of our losing ways and be armed...like a private militia...maybe...

Okay, so maybe it's not a perfectly symmetrical connection, (after all I'm basing my knowledge of Paul Revere on the diatribe that was bandied about in the news all week). But I mean, c'mon do you think the recent surge in news about Revere's both past and present is really just a coincidence and not an obvious sign that Ben Revere is some sort of distant relative/reincarnation of the legendary horse rider? [Cast your vote in the poll at the right!]

No matter how you slice it, Ben Revere played great today, the Twins came away with a series win in Cleveland, and the tyranny of negativity surrounding the local 9 seems to be fading (at least for the moment).

Chicks love the small ball

2011-06-07T12:56:00.001-07:00

First, how 'bout that draft? Nothing like the pulse pounding excitement of executives sitting in chairs and talking about things to get the blood pumping! Seriously though, I liked watching the draft, and got genuinely excited about the Twins' picks [though you might prefer to check the opinions of serious bloggers/analysts Seth Strohs and Nick Nelson rather than take my word]. The Twins picks (a shortstop who might be a major league starter sooner rather than later; a 3rd baseman with pop and a strong armed reliever type) sound like the kinds of guys who could help the team, and most of this year we sure could use some help.

Of course, during this last little winning streak it's felt a little bit better thanks largely to the fact that the bottom of the order and the plucky, scrappy, pirannah-esque role players are living up to their potential. Messrs Revere, Hughes, Tolbert, Casilla, Repko, Rivera and even Drew Butera have helped lead the charge first in Kansas City, and then again last night. Why the sudden turn of affairs? Maybe they took a Gardy speech to heart; maybe they got inspired by Field of Dreams or The Rookie, or those new pepsi commercials where Jim Thome spells his name for Babe Ruth; but I'm guessing they got punked by a vet and turned it to their advantage.

Seriously, can't you just picture a veteran player [for some reason I keep seeing Delmon Young], with a slight glint of mischief and a cackle of self-amusement looking at the young players on the bench and thinks: "It's June, I'm bored, let's have some fun." So said veteran approaches the young guys and says: "Hey dudes! What's up?"

The kids, awed at this personal contact with a big-time professional athlete get a little flummoxed and finally Revere says: "we were just talking about how cool it would be if we all started hitting home runs like ALL THE TIME!"

"Yeah!" says Hughes, "I've hit a couple, but if I just suddenly, you know, hit 3 in a week, or ten in a month, or 35 in a season...that'd be so awesome!"

"Golly!" shouts Tolbert, "if I hit home runs all the time I bet kids would fight for my baseball card..."

"And we'd get compliments on talk radio" says Repko

"And maybe girls would talk to us" says Rivera.

And the vet, chuckling says, "oh you guys! That's silly. Home runs aren't cool anymore. They're as out of date as Zach Braff and soul patches." (Then because Alexi Casilla looks hurt the vet has to say) "sorry Lexi. But seriously guys, it's not about the home runs, if you really want to impress people, hit the ball on the ground and run like hell. You should try to put down a great sac bunt or an effective grounder to second to advance a base runner, that's what the best players do!"

"Really?!?" They all ask in unison.

"Of course, haven't you seen how frequently the everyday players hit soft ground balls? It's an art form guys!! Do it well, and who knows, maybe the people will cheer for you"

"Even me?" Asks Butera.

"Even you, Drew!" says the vet, barely keeping the laughter in check.

And so the young scuffling hitters went out and chipped and chopped and bunted and ran and won game after game after game. Now we all cheer for them...even Drew Butera. [Great safety squeeze last night bro.] Best of luck tonight you new born piranahs (see if you can get those vets to follow your lead).

A Modest Proposal & Feeling a draft

2011-06-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

After our sudden, unprecedented four game winning streak (that led to an actual series victory for the first time all year!) I would like to make the following proposal. Let's all quiet down on the whole "gloom-and-doom" palaver on the Twins.

I know that I've been as guilty as anybody about admitting that I would believe a comeback when I saw it, and while four days in June do not make a season better. Wins are great, but c'mon, if you've only been watching for theTwins for the wins I would like to show you the way to the nearest exit (keeping in mind that the closest exit may be behind you on the bandwagon).

A buddy of mine from college (whom I will call Coop-Dogg...because I always protect the identities of people who don't give express written consent to be included in this blog), raised an interesting point today. "Scrizzle Rube-izzle," said Coop-Dogg, "The media's gotta stop the bleeding! They keep cutting the legs out from underneath the boys." I was intrigued and Coop continued, "Positivity always triumphs. [For example] If they stop harping on Mauer and start building a buzz like "we want Joe! we want Joe!" instead of complaining about his salary....shizzle!"

We here at Peanuts from Heaven endorse Coop-Dogg's plan of positivity, and promise to be a little more optimistic and do a little less disbelieving despair in the coming weeks and months. Up first in our quest to do just that, this evening's Major League Baseball Draft!

Personally, I'm a big fan of drafts...both the breezy air on a sweltering Minnesota summer night, and the professional athletic competition variety. The air thing goes without saying, but when it comes to pro-sports drafts, I'm always trying to strategize and analyze and think ahead. My brothers and I have dreamt up drafts with baseball cards and action figures and computer game characters [yes...I was/am a huge nerd], and we've had plenty of fun gawking at the NFL and NBA drafts (even though I only watch those sports when they are on a muted tv at a bar). But I've never seen a Major League Baseball draft, so I'm excited to do just that this evening.

Now, if I were gloomy I might bemoan the fact that GM Bill Smith hasn't exactly done a great job assessing players [see Hoey, Jim; Hughes, Dusty; Harris, Brendan]. But these are the Twins, and they have a pretty solid track record in the draft [see Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, Span, etc.], and with Coop-Dogg's admonition for more positivity in Twins-related print here goes:

The Minnesota Twins front office staff is full of talented, intelligent individuals who strive to put the best product on the field at all times. They are smart and handsome/pretty and we're very very proud of them. I'm sure they will draft some very talented young athletes, and when those players led us to future victories I will repay them with more kind words or cookies [whichever they prefer].

You know, positivity feels pretty good! So here's to the Twins as they head into Cleveland, and the front office as they head into New York. [Raises imaginary glass.] Godspeed boys, godspeed!

The truly faithful

2011-06-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

I could feign ebullience at last night's win (but one good inning does not a resurgence make). I could rail about Kubel & Thome going on the DL. I could fret about Joe Mauer going 0-5 in his return to live baseball. But I'd rather focus on someone who still has absolute, unadulterated faith in the Minnesota Twins.

The man in question is my old Grad-school chum and die-hard Tigers fan Conor Patrick Harmon. [That's him in the cap, next to the happy Indian's fan Jared Hatch.] What's that you say? How can a Tigers fan believe that the Twins are bound to win this year? Well, quite simply Conor believes that the Twins are simply lying low waiting around for the comeback to end all comebacks.

As he said to me when the Twins/Tiger series came to a close on Wednesday night: "Pssh, whatever man...this is just the end of a two month trick. Just wait, they'll come up with some obscene "Twins" run of 27 wins in 28 games, and everybody in the media will say: 'worst first two-months to the best four months in baseball history', they'll say 'oh, we should have known not to sleep on the Twins, and Gardenhire and Morneau.' And of course they'll come back to beat the Tigers in the end of the season, you'll throttle us in September and take the title. You can't fool me man!"

So there it is...Conor has proclaimed it, and I make it a habit never to doubt a man with a beard that is greater than my own. Here comes the comeback!

MAKE IT STOP!!

2011-05-31T15:23:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's loss--which I did not see but which was described to me by my father, fellow blogger and friends as: "a hosing," "a total screw up," and "completely f*ing ridiculous"--I'm reminded of the great quote from Casey Stengel (the dentist turned mediocre outfielder turned genius manager of the Dodgers, Braves, Yankees and Mets): "I been in this game 100 years and I see new ways to lose 'em I didn't know existed before"

That has been the Twins season in a nutshell. When not losing on a record setting bullpen implosion, we manage to lose on three errors by the same shortstop (even when we keep changing the shortstop throughout the season), or on suddenly impotent hitters, or four umpires completely misunderstanding the major league rule book. It's not even games, we lose players in shocking ways too: there was the flu virus that sidelined four guys for a week, feet that got injured while turning a double play, and leaping for a home run ball, and the mysterious "bi-lateral leg weakness".

I can't explain it. Nobody I knows can explain it. I might have doubted our ability to make the playoffs this year, but I never expected it to be bottom-of-the-majors bad (and neither did anyone else apparently). So I have no other recourse but to plea with the baseball gods, the bringers of spring and sunshine and hot dogs and those little frozen lemonade cups: please, for my own sanity, MAKE IT STOP!

Dr. Cakeburn's Delicious Arsenal

2011-05-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

At some point, in the long ago archives of this blog, Stinky and I decided that Nick Blackburn was the Twins pitcher with enough determination and pitching savvy to not only win ballgames but to accomplish these feats using baked goods. Last night, in our dark and dreary hour of need Dr. Cakeburn once again came to deliver a much needed complete game victory. How did he do it? Through his delectable arsenal of pitches of course! Here now, the Dr. Cakeburn display case of pitches.

Chocolate Fondant Fastball (with liquid center and raspberry seams)--Chocolate is delicious, melting chocolate is extra delicious, chocolate + melting chocolate + raspberries = most delicious and dangerous fastball ever.

Zebra Cake Sinker (See image of Blackburn at top of post)--a little junky, chock-full-o-preservatives--but impossible for hitters not to lunge at.

Chewy Chunky Change-up Cookie--A classic that appeals to everyone (has unfortunate side effect of getting smacked out of the ballpark, as in Miguel Olivo's homerun last night)

Rhubarb Crumble Curveball--If you've ever tried to eat rhubarb crumble with a straw you have some idea of how hard it is to hit this pitch when it's working right.

(Side note: Why did I try to eat rhubarb crumble with a straw?)

The "Can-of-Whoop(ie)-Ass Pie" aka Slider--A little whimsical, a little badass, all delicious.

Dr. Cakeburn used all these pitches (except the Chewy cookie) to great effect last night and in the process beat Doug Fister; whom he had "hooked-up" with last season. (We assume that Bert meant this in a totally non-suggestive way...but it sure seemed like there was an awkward tension while both were warming up in the bullpen, and I swear I saw Blackie tell Fister "I never wrote because I thought you'd never write back.")

Seriously though, congrats to Nick Blackburn and the rest of the boys on a much needed win; especially with Blackburn's house and home perilously close to the most recent outbreak of tornadoes in Oklahoma. You're a fine man Nick Blackburn, an excellent pitcher and one heck of a diabolical genius/baker.

Welp....

2011-05-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

That loss was extremely frustrating to say the least. As Gardy said in the post-game last night, an unfortunate inability to hold onto a 3 run lead overshadowed some great performances by a number of players and, especially, an amazing and heroic return to the lineup by Jim Thome. It's really hard for me to continue paying attention to the game when it becomes so depressing and stressful, so my mind starts to wander to thoughts of unicorns and butterflies, or occasionally Harry Potter.

Which leads me to this point - has anyone else noticed the striking similarities between the Twins bullpen, and Dementors? If not, I will list below the resemblances below:
- They suck all the fun and joy out of life.
- They make you feel cold and dead inside.
- They ruin everything.
- They often cause the loss of sports matches, such as Quidditch, or Baseball.

So this leads us to the obvious question - who is Voldemort? My first thought was Trevor Plouffe, mostly because I kind of hate him right now and wish he would go away so we could bring in another infielder who is actually capable of not screwing something up in every single game. But then, I remembered the second purpose of this blog (besides Twins silliness) - making fun of the Yankees. So then I decided that Voldemort is probably Derek Jeter, because really don't we always need an excuse to blame something on Derek Jeter?

"But wait," you say. "Isn't Derek Jeter already a vampire?"
Why yes. Yes he is.
Does Voldemort also drink Unicorn blood, making him also kind of a vampire?
Yes.
Is Drew Butera, in fact, a unicorn?
Yes.
Does that last fact have anything to do with baseball or anything else?
Not really.
I rest my case.

Now, I will go buy a bottle of scotch to drink away the frustration.

Snakebit

2011-05-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my mother, die-hard fan that she is, seemed close to tears as she tried to explain why the Twins have lost so much this year. Finally she just said: "they're just snakebit."

After this weekend it seems like a pretty good descriptor. How else do you explain losing despite loading the bases in the 9th, trailing by one run with Kubel and Morneau coming up? or losing with our two best relievers coming in with a three run lead in the 8th? or losing on a sac-fly that scored a man who reached third on a feeble groundball booted by both the shortstop and center fielder? One way or another we seemed destined to lose on a single tricky play that loused up all the hard work that came before it.

But rather than bemoaning this series, or the dumb flukey luck that seems to go against us every other day, I'd like to take a moment to note one thing that got under my skin. In the fourth inning Juan Miranda hit a home run to give the D-backs the lead, now I'm not going to complain about Miranda or the gopher ball, or the loss--but I will complain about the fan who got the ball (you can see his reaction here).

Clearly this grown man was happy that he caught a baseball, happy that his team was on it's way to winning it's 6th straight game, probably happy that he had gotten to drink some beer. But why, on earth did that inspire him to look down at little Ben Revere and shout "YOU SUCK!"? (He also boasted of this to local broadcasters--as twitter confirmed)

Really random Arizonan? Ben Revere sucks? Do you realize that Ben Revere plays baseball in the major leagues while you pay for the chance to watch him? Do you realize that, even as a rookie, he has more hits in the major leagues than 99.9% of other Americans (including you)? Do you think the he sucks because he was unable to jump 25 feet in the air to rob Miranda of the home run? Does he suck because he doesn't own a jet pack with which to take away that home run you caught? If Ben Revere sucks because of any of those things...then pretty much everyone sucks...including you. Seriously this guy really makes me want to change the "ck" in Dbacks to a "g"...but this is a family blog...so I'll let you readers do that yourselves.

In a just world, this idiot would get his comeuppance, Ben Revere would prove he does not suck and the Twins would come away with a win. But instead, we remain as we have been all season...snakebit.

Sweet Dreams, Bitter Breakfasts

2011-05-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Strangely, the Twins' West Coast road trip has actually given we Minnesotan baseball nuts a measure of hope (a rarity for any trip towards the Pacific). The offense started to gel, home runs started to soar, and we started to think that maybe, just maybe we'd have a week where we won more games than we lost, starting a positive trend that would carry into June and then July and then keep the Twins rolling towards the most unlikely division title of the past decade.

Then came Arizona. [Cue the heavy sigh]

For the last two nights I have turned away from games when we have lead and when I have a party to go to or heavy eyelids. I genuinely feel happy with the team's performance at these moments, not ecstatic or rapturous, but happy. It's nice to see a few long balls. It's comforting to feel like the veterans are doing everything possible to regain their form. It seems that no matter how bad the season has been a dedicated few will stubbornly fight to salvage it. And I dream that good days are just over the horizon.

Perhaps that's over confidence, perhaps it's the assumption that these are the Diamondbacks of old, perhaps it's just the desperate hope that things are going to get better. Whatever the case, when I look at the score again in the morning my sweet dreams are dashed and the bitter reality of another defeat sets in.

Bitter though the morning box score check is, I can't blame on any player, not the losing pitcher, not the error-prone defender, not the golden sombrero hitter. You win as a team, you lose as a team, and right now--inexplicable as it is given the Twins talent and recent history--we are certainly losing as a team. It's tough to swallow my morning yogurt, granola, bacon or tea with that taste in my mouth...but a few hours later we look forward to the next game and hope that the day will end with sweeter dreams ahead. That might seem crazy, but if you're a baseball fan you're used to believing in crazy things.

So, after whatever that was last night in Arizona. We offer this musical suggestion:

(You could disobey the request of these adorable children...but we wouldn't recommend it.)

Meet Minnesota Capps

2011-05-19T15:59:00.001-07:00

Twice in one day! (I couldn't resist)

Here's a special little photoshop based on the votes in a recent poll for a new Matt Capps nickname. Congrats Matty boy you will henceforth be known as Minnesota Capps and we will, frequently use this image to depict your greatness.

We like to picture Capps like this. Spending 8 innings hustling the rubes on the road, mocking Paul Newman and his namby-pamby salad dressings, then turning up cool as ice to seal the deal and get a Twins win.

Congrats Matt Capps, you've officially been welcomed to the Peanut fold.

Which came first? Bad pitching or Bad hitting?

2011-05-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

Apologies little legumes for the absence of posts over the past few days/weeks. First the final rush of schooling distracted us, then moving back to Minnesota took up some time, and without an internet connection in our new abode blogging remains a challenge. HOWEVER, we are back and raring to go for the rest of the season.

There's a lot we could write about (and we will, just you wait). Being a fan in the bad times, positive signs during the west coast road trip, the legacy of Harmon Killebrew, the future of veterans and rookies, aureuvedic cures for Joe Mauer's legs, but I wanted to start by presenting something I've been thinking about throughout the big move back to Minneapolis: where does a bad ball-team start: with the pitching, or with the hitting?

This season, Twins fans have had to see a bit of both bad hitting and bad pitching. The starters are suddenly walking batters, tossing fat pitches that get hit a long way and leaving games far earlier than we would like. The relievers have been a similar hodgepodge of erratic deliveries and ugly outings. When the pitching is that bad, it makes hitters try twice as hard to hit...and that leads to swinging at ugly pitches, and that leads to a bad offense and that leads to losses.

But at the same time, the offense has been dismal all by itself. Runners are stranded like the crew of the SS Minnow, "Home Run" seems to be a dirty word, a .200 average seems positively robust. And when the offense is that bad, it means pitchers can't make a single mistake, which leads to living on the edges of the strike zone, which leads to walks/fat pitches and that leads to losses.

So how exactly did our team start to suffer? Was it bad pitching that begat bad hitting, or bad hitting that begat bad pitching? I honestly do not know. I doubt anyone in the Twins organization does (otherwise they'd have taken steps to fix it by now). Conveniently, the last couple of games have shown what can happen when the Twins get both good offensive production and good pitching...though of course which one came first is debatable....

Rituals OR A Little Silver Beacon of News

2011-05-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Stinky and I have been having a tough time watching the Twins play of late (bad signals, crossed wires, recalcitrant bartenders, etc.), so we can't quite give a break down on the merits of Plouffe V. Casilla or Rivera V. Revere, but we can tell a little story about why we love the game. Last night, as the Minnesota 9 concluded their series in Boston, we were out to eat with Nick, a friend of mine from Bowling Green, and through it all Stinky used her blackberry, to scratch that baseball itch.

To be sure, the blackberry does not exactly give you the same feeling that attending a game or watching it on TV does. It looks about like the symbol at the right. Green blobs for balls, red ones for strikes and always the same little man in his spotless, white uniform waiting for the pitch he wants. We huddle around this little screen and sigh, and shake our heads and hope against hope that when the Twins bat there will be little blue dots labeled: "In play run(s)".

It wasn't until Nick was there that I realized we might look a little silly to the outside observer. To the uninitiated (like Nick) we seem almost mad, pleading for a little silver beacon of news to justify our faith and reward our patience. If you aren't a baseball fan, it seems odd: "why let something like that consume your life?"

Well (I reasoned to Nick), it probably has something to do with the rituals of baseball in general and being a fan in particular. More than any other sport, baseball players feel the need to establish a specific series of motions or gestures before they swing or pitch or catch the ball. I know that Joe Nathan's going to do at least two horse flutters with his lips before he throws a pitch. I know that Delmon Young's going to wag his tongue when he starts his swing. When you play the game you have to have repeatable mechanics to have consistent success.

When you're a fan you often feel the same way. I hold my breath during double plays. Other people I know wear lucky shirts well past the point of sanitation, or have their own rally postures (one of my relatives puts a purse on top of their head). Going to the ballpark itself is even more of a ritual. You sing specific songs to mark the progress of the game: "The Star Spangled Banner" pre-game; "We're Gonna Win Twins" when they take the field; "Take me Out to the Ballgame" in the 7th; "It's a Beautiful Day/We're Gonna Win Twins" after a victory. You take your meal at the time that feels right (I always try to wait for the 3rd inning for peanuts and a dog/pulled-pork sandwich, and a frozen lemonade for dessert in the 8th). You clap, you jump, you cheer as the situation arises. And the next time you go to a game, you'll do it again.

But what I find most impressive of all is how we share the rituals of the ball game. A banker and a bricklayer cheer at the same time, a schoolteacher and a supermarket cashier sing simultaneously. I love how we share these rituals, how we connect through the act of watching a game and being fans. So, huddling over the top of Stinky's phone (even as the Red Sox ruined a perfectly good comeback attempt) was something I loved to do and something I guarantee that I will do again. To some it might seem like baseball consumes my life, but I think that it keeps me connected to the rituals of a larger community. And it let's me do something I love every single day. Even when we lose, sharing that with all of y'all makes it a pleasure to watch the game.

Little things

2011-05-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's not always easy to keep things in perspective. For example, right now, we peanuts are getting pushed and pulled in umpteen different directions as we balance school work, moving cross-country, job applications and event planning. It's easy to take little things and make them seem much bigger than they are (as when I became convinced that a decision about which cookbooks to keep before moving back to Minnesota would profoundly affect my ability to obtain employment as a teacher).

Baseball can be the same way. A small set of examples from a particular player or from a particular series can seem like a horrifying, disastrous trend toward oblivion (i.e. Joe Mauer struggling for 9 games becoming a sign that his career is almost over). The same little things can give you premature delusions of grandeur too (i.e. I came up with the irrational belief, based on one inning in Baltimore, that Jim Hoey would repair the bullpen, destroy opposing batters and fix the national deficit). Whatever way you slice it, the little things can seem like your own personal Everest: terrifying or exhilarating depending on your mood.

One of the things I like best about baseball is how valuable it is to "do the little things right". For so long that's what the Twins have done: run the bases well, pitch with pin-point control, advance the runners when you need to, make smart plays in the outfield. That's something the team has been missing the last month or so, but in Chicago it seemed like we'd started to work on the little things again. I didn't see any bone-headed gaffes in the field (though Matt Tolbert nearly running into Rene Tosoni came close); I did see a little more savvy for players at the plate (except for poor Drew Butera).

There are other little things that make me almost want to declare the Twins to be back like Backstreet (i.e. Kubel continuing to hit for power, Cassilla not making soul-crushing errors, winning two games against our division rivals and that whole Liriano thing). But I think it's better for me not to make any one game or single performance into too big of a deal. The Twins will lose games in future, there will be good times and bad, but as long as you enjoy the little things you'll be a serenely happy fan.

So relish the little things that make up the baseball season and that make the Twins the Twins: Kubel's smirk when he hits one hard, Denard chasing one down in the gap, Justin scooping throws from the dirt and Francisco eating his own shirt from nerves. The individual plays and moments might not make or break the season--but they do mark the season and they do make it fun to watch the games.

Day-off Daydream: Trades I can make in my mind!

2011-05-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry for sparsity of posts recently, unfortunately it will likely continue for the next few weeks as Stinky and I both work our fingers to the bone on final exams for grad school. GOOD NEWS THOUGH! Grad school's almost over for good, Stinky bought a TV that will get the Twins games, and I'll be coming back to Minnesota so we should be back on the blogging trolly before the Twins are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

Of course, it sometimes feels like that day might come sooner rather than later. You know it's been bad, I know it's been bad. As my father (known on this site as Mr. No Ass--NA for short) said on Saturday: "They aren't fielding well, they aren't pitching well, they aren't running well, they aren't hitting well....pretty hard to win when you can't do those things". There have been many suggestions on how to fix this situation from throughout the Twins blogosphere (including a fine plan from Seth Stroh's who is known for his fine plans and love of children's movies).

We peanuts do not do fine plans. We do not do statistical analysis. But we do do imagination (heheh, "doodoo"). With that we present trades we think the Twins could make in our imaginary world of amusement!

1. Acquire SS Jose Reyes from the Mets as a portion of the Wilpon's payout to Minneapolis victims of Bernie Madoff.

Win-win here. We get a talented shortstop for the season, and the Mets owners get a slight relief from their impending legal troubles! With over 200 Madoff victims in the Twin Cities the $10 million Reyes makes this year seems like a start to compensating defrauded investors.

2. Send Dusty Hughes back to the farm, or ranch, or cattle drive and bring up Frank N. Stein to bolster the relief corps.

Fixing from within here...literally. We drop one of our more ineffective relievers, then take the best parts of all our old pitchers (Carlos Silva's sinker grip, Brad Radke's tendons, Bert Blyleven's brain...or wait...maybe not that) and put them into one super pitcher named Frank N. Stein! (Pictured at left: Farm System director Jim Rantz overseeing the creation of Frank N. Stein)

3. Sneak into Colorado in the middle of the night, and swap Steve Holm for Jose Morales then run away before anyone can tell it was us.

We may need a catcher who gets hits more consistently than our current catchers (non-Mauer division) and since we have long supported Jose "Aquapig" Morales we fully support pulling the bait and switch on the Rockies. Sure we made a legit trade with them this offseason, but they forgot to call "No Backsies" so, I'm sure this will be legit.

4. Trade the blue ox from the Jim Thome commercial for magic beans.

Great value to get here. We've already shot the commercial with the blue ox, so that's done as much good as it can do. And given the rate of 3 beans/Cow, we should easily pick up like 28 beans for a blue ox! Then we use said beans to heal our injured players, grow massive bean stalks to block home runs at Target Field (we're never going to hit any there anyway) and still have some left over for a rainy day!!

There's our plans folks, if anyone wants to pass this along to Messers Gardenhire, Smith or Pohlad, please remember our finders fee. (A couple Tony O Cuban sandwiches)

AL Eeesh-t

2011-04-29T05:04:00.000-07:00

Once again the Twins were the proverbial kittens, forever flailing and stretching but permanently stymied by the Tampa Bay Beams of Light (as the following picture demonstrates)

Getting swept at the hands of Stupid Hipster Johnny Damon and his crew was unpleasant, especially since it brings the Twins record against the AL East this year to 5-12. Most of that has been compiled on the road, but fortunately we have just one more trip to the Eastern seaboard (a four game set in Boston next weekend).

Once we've swallowed the nasty cod-liver oil of our games against the AL East we can focus on winning the division by beating teams in our division...a group of teams we have played exactly 4 times so far and have great track records against.

This is all my way of saying that it's not over yet, so don't sully the litter box or pass on the Meow Mix. Those nasty beams of lights have gone away for a few months--let's focus on the future not the past.

Oh Ps. Please vote in the poll on the right side of the page with your favorite nickname for Matt Capps...and let us know if there's anything that you'd rather have as an option for voting.

Workplace Safety

2011-04-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

This season it seems like the injuries never end.

One week into the season, Tsuyoshi Nishioka broke his leg. A few days later it turned out that Kevin Slowey had hurt his shoulder. Then Joe Mauer had bi-lateral leg weakness. Then Justin Morneau had an epic five-day flu. Then Delmon Young got both the flu and some bruised ribs. Now Jim Thome is day-to-day with a strain, and word is Carl Pavano's got the flu.

That's 7 players including 3 starters missing significant chunks of time due to injury or illness. It's getting so bad that Target Field employees might consider replacing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" with the theme from M*A*S*H. And while there are all kinds of explanations (limited game play during spring training...Delmon refusing to cover his mouth when he sneezes, etc.) we can only think of one explanation.

We're guessing that the Pohlad's have been using the same Office Safety Film every season for the past 51 years...and well...it might be a good idea to update it...just in case it follows this template

This might work well in the Twins front office...but sadly, it doesn't cover other important things (like stretching/not vomiting on eachother). However, it should be noted that no Twins player has had their head slammed in a filing cabinet in 51 years, the longest such streak in the majors.

Have fun watching the double header today! (We peanuts will check in as we can...but with finals fast approaching it might not be doable)

GO TWINS

Day-off Daydream: Root root root for the......?

2011-04-26T05:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about our team nickname (because with so many rainouts and days off I get stir crazy...so bear with me on this post). I think I first noticed a problem when, while standing at the Metrodome, in middle of the seventh, singing "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" like everyone else I came across that one clunker of a lyric:

Let us root, root, root for the...HOME TEAM

Now, if you got to games anywhere else you can actually use your own team's nickname to fill up those two little syllables "Red-Sox", "Cub-bies", etc. Other teams squeeze their name into the metric requirements ("Mar'ners", "A-A's"), but in Minnesota we're stuck with "Home Team" because "Twi-ins" creates a nasty nasal sounds like the very worst in Minnesota accents, and "Twink-ies" contradicts all the progress we've made toward serious stature in baseball.

Let's face it...we've got an odd team nickname. It's nothing that's going to inspire fear in the hearts of our enemies--truth be told, I've gotten a little ribbing from friends for my allegiance. ("You root for a genetic anomaly?" "Are these conjoined twins? Identical? Fraternal?" etc.) But this is mostly confined to non-baseball fans, as true fans wouldn't want me to fire back about their fondness for hosiery of various colors, or Spanish missionaries, or beams of light. Non-baseball fans prefer their nicknames either ferocious (see the NFL's collection of warriors and jungle cats). After all, cheering a team with a more badass nickname gives you a similar sense of coolness, of danger...you become a tribe, bound together by your colors and your dynamic, awe-inspiring symbol. So I can see how some might find it odd to affix so much time and energy rooting for a team that might as well be called: The Minnesota "Quaint-Observations-on-the-Proximity-of-our-Two-Largest-Metropoles".

I can see how some might find it odd...I can also see how those people are stupid.

Baseball is not a game for ferocity. Yes it started in a bustling city, with immigrants scratching and clawing for hits, runs and respectability. But at its core baseball is a game of simple pleasures: throw a ball, hit a ball, catch a ball. There's not supposed to be any physical contact: no bone-jarring hits or fearsome crashes. Because the rules have changed so little over the past 150 years, it still seems very much like a gentile "national pastime" rather than a flashing neon SPORT! So a collection of fans seems less like an army and more like a little village supporting a group of hometown friends and family.

Cheering for that team without bloodlust, without fury or vitriol is actually one of my favorite parts of the game. Feeling connected with other fans, with a community, with the history of the game and the country--I like that. So yes, I will root for the Twins, just like other people root for the "Ambiguous Northerners", "Beer-Makers" and "People-who-Avoid-Outmoded-Transportation".

I just wish we could figure out a better lyric for Take me Out to the Ballgame.

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 9: BALTIMORE ORIOLES

2011-04-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

First of all, let's welcome the Twins back to Minnesota. It's not quite time to play: "Hail the Conquering Heroes" yet, but honestly, it would probably feel better to see them start winning at home, than to feel like they were better off with out us. Now, facing the division leading Cleveland Indians, the last place Twins desperately need a win. [I want to pause for a second to let our friends in Cleveland pop their collars, toss their hair and feel genuine pride at that last sentence...got it done? Good...now we must destroy you.]

Second, I've got to apologize for the fact that I may not be posting much this weekend...in addition to the final push for my final finals week, I'm still confined to Ohio broadcast restrictions which means, if the Indians are playing, I can't be watching. (I'll try to keep up either via radio or twitter, but we'll hope the ingenious Stinky can be our woman on the spot)

Third, let us now turn our attention to the greatest question of all: "Can any broadcast team in baseball compete with Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven?"

Tonight's Contestants: Gary Thorne and Jim Palmer of MASN [Note Palmer and Thorne are just two of the 11 people listed as analysts and commentators for Orioles games, but since they are the premier duo AND called all 3 games I watched, they get the attention here]

Credentials: Gary Thorne is one of the preeminent broadcasters in the Major Leagues today. He's covered baseball on ESPN for 18 years, and done games specifically for the Orioles over the last 2. He's also the voice of hockey in America and has covered both Stanley Cup Finals, and the World Series. [He also has a Georgetown Law Degree, and was a JAG corps officer...kind of a career shift but...still...] Meanwhile Palmer is...well, Jim freakin' Palmer. The Orioles all-time winningest pitcher, a three time Cy Young winner and first ballot Hall-of-Famer. He also has a history in the broadcast booth, having been with the Orioles for 16 years and having worked the World Series a few times back in the 90's. All in all, a pretty well-credentialed pair.

Analysis: Sometimes credentials don't translate into talent, but for Thorne and Palmer, they most definitely do. They do their homework, using a plethora of well-researched, germane statistics to explain why teams are succeeding or failing in given situations. Thorne has a solid baseball IQ but mostly points out big picture storylines to the season and works in a quirky sense of humor, so Palmer does most of the explaining. Palmer is pretty solid in his insights, but occasionally fails to connect two topics and has a few problems finding adequate verbiage to describe things. The two men have an excellent rapport with one another and seem to balance each other out, with Palmer pointing out the baseball if Thorne gets too deep into news of the day, and Thorne bringing up action on the field if Palmer gets too deep into nuts and bolts. Best of all, after the dreadful hometown sycophants in Tampa; both men are happy to point out calls that go against the Twins and laud good plays no matter who makes them. (Palmer's umbrage on behalf of both pitching staffs was nice to hear.)

Sample Quote: Thorne: "Gardenhire has said that he wants Liriano to pitch more to contact, but you still see him thinking about strike outs."

Palmer: "Absolutely, Liriano's stuff has been.........Liriano-like"

Rating: 4.5 Blylevens. Seriously, these guys were fun to listen to, maybe that's why so few people actually went to the games, they'd rather just stay in and listen to Palmer & Thorne.

Graphs are the Sunshine of My Life

2011-04-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm down, I try to brighten up my day with a few fail-proof pick-me-ups. I think about my friends and loved ones; I go through a solid yoga flow; I put inappropriate tags in facebook photos of my brother; I destroy a feeble USA Today Crossword puzzle and I cheer the Twins.

Lately, cheering the Twins has not exactly brought joy into the Mudville of my heart. But as good fortune would have it there's a cure for that too! GRAPHS! The fine folks at fangraphs.com will break down pitch velocity, BABIP/inning with Runners on 1st and 2nd and the whole baseball genome. Meanwhile, here at Peanuts From Heaven, we break down much more irrelevant/irreverant things--here now, two graphs that encapsulate our season thus far.

First! Let's look at Runs/Game. Both the "runs" that count as points and help to win the games, and the "runs" people make to the refrigerator to get Ben & Jerry's ice cream to help dull the pain of a poor offense.

Clearly the Twins trail behind the MLB avg., they also trail behind the runs/game that Twins fans believe they would score if given the same opportunity. And while Twins fans have a very high "runs to Ben & Jerry's/game rate" (R2B&J/G), Prince Fielder has gamely contributed as much as possible to the R2B&J/G rate for MLB as a whole.

Next, let's look at the pitching, by measuring both the staff ERA in given innings and how that relates to the percent increase in Ron Gardenhire's blood pressure, and the cumulative amount of tears shed by Twins fans (measured in oz) over the same span of time.

I know it's early yet, but clearly when our pitchers' 4th innings average out to an ERA of 9...that's not good. Nor are plus 7 ERAs in the 9th and Extra innings. It's also interesting to note that while Gardy's blood pressure rises and falls with the team's pitching performance, fans seem to be all cried out by about the 7th inning. (Until we lose in extras when tears of sadness and tears of fury commingle in a bucket o' weepy).

Now, this might make our situation seem dire, but c'mon...if you spend a few minutes trying to graph Ice-cream consumed or Gardy's blood pressure then you realize that baseball is baseball, and however long you look at stats, it might as well be entertaining. Still we look forward to bringing graphs of happiness back just as soon as the team obliges. If you have ideas for graphs feel free to leave them in the comments below or tweet them at us (@heavenlypeanuts)...more will come...wether you want them or not.

Enjoy the game and remember happiness is just a silly graph away.

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 8: TAMPA BAY RAYS

2011-04-17T16:26:00.001-07:00

Well, we're back on the road which means another installment of the Clash of the Talking Heads--wherein I describe the joys & pains of watching another team's broadcast. (Note: I missed the Yankees series with classes and work...so I won't be able to vent any spleen on them--suffice to say the little bit I did hear was filled with talking points and loaded down with stats...but not as smug as I expected)

Tonight's Contestants: Dewayne Staats & Brian Anderson of Sun Sports

Credentials: Staats is a serious journeyman of announcing booths, starting at AAA Oklahoma City in 1973 and touring through 5,000 Major League games with the Astros, Cubs and Yankees before settling down as THE voice of the Rays. Meanwhile Anderson's a journeyman of a different sort: He won the 1994 AL Rookie of the Year with the Angels and after 13 seasons and 82 wins between the Angels, Indians, Diamondbacks and Royals, called it a career and moved into broadcasting.

Analysis: I'm going to come out and admit that three nail-biting losses skewed my attitude, but even from the outset of game one, I felt like something was off. Both announcers were clearly fans of their home town crew, and while that's not a bad thing it can seem a wears a little thin to explain most plays via the: "our opponents are hapless/our team is clutch" paradigm--even if it was pretty accurate this series, it wasn't the only answer. They also tended to prognosticate knowingly what would happen--speaking ahead to batter-pitcher match-ups if there were two men on when the 5th man due came up, or describing the Rays history of 4 game sweeps while down two runs in the 7th. While the two had a pretty solid rapport, they found almost everything one another said to be unbearably witty. Not funny, just witty--so play-by-play would be waylaid for a few pitches so that they could get out a string of self-satisfied "heh, heh, heh"s.

Sample Quote: Staats"And Cuddyer swings and misses WAAAAAAY out ahead of that changeup [hehehheh]

Anderson: "His eyes got real big there [hehhhehehheh] Hellickson sets them up for the fastball and they just never see that great curveball coming [heehhehhhehh]"

Staats: 2-0 to Valencia...

Rating: 1.5 Blylevens--I'm willing to assume most of my analysis was exacerbated by perceived slights during our struggle, but I maintain that there's a lot of simplicity and a LOT of smug chuckling.

Two options for this post

2011-04-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

I could use this post to:

a) opine on the issues with our closers, our defense, our hitting; whether or not the fans really could manage a baseball team more effectively than baseball lifers like Ron Gardenhire; whether or not fans and bloggers could assemble a better baseball team than a front office full of baseball pros like Bill Smith; the question of what the team owes the fans--and what fans owe their team; Joe Mauer's injury, illnesses and why some fans doubt his dedication; Joe Nathan's future prospects AND whether or not our fan base will keep coming to Target Field if this continues...

b) Make a cheap joke at the expense of Johnny Damon & Hipsters around the world.

...

Yeah...it's no contest!

Johnny Damon is surprised you haven't watched "Miller's Crossing" yet because: "it's sort of the Coen Brothers BEST movie...I mean...before they got complacent during their 'mainstream' phase"

Feel free to add your own Johnny Damon Hipster caption in the comments below!

Suggestions for Getting out of a Funk

2011-04-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

It seems like every time the Twins get a little momentum--a burst of power hitting, a solid outing by the bullpen, a clutch knock to walk-off with a game winner--something halts us in our tracks the very next day. Win in Toronto? Lose in New York. Pull off a comeback win in the Bronx? Rain out stalls the progress. Great homecoming for Mauer & Nathan? Oakland pitchers wipe out the weekend. Danny V. gives us a walk off win Tuesday night? Liriano's one bad inning dooms the next game.

While it feels inconceivable that our hitters, our pitchers and our defense would be slumping simultaneously...the evidence is right there. But again, in keeping with the whole "positive thinking" thing we're trying out this year--we'd like to make the following suggestions to the Twins as they seek to bust out of this slump on the upcoming road trip:

Visit a Zen garden and meditate on human existence and the scale of the universe and how fun it is to hit curveballs.
Take a group visit to Denard Span's mom so she can make you warm cookies and remind you that no matter what, people love you and believe in you.
Go on a trust building retreat with each other, where pitchers fall back into the arms of their waiting defense (make sure there are extra big gloves for when Matt Capps falls)
Blow off some steam by pulling a prank on Joe Mauer by dyeing his sideburns blond while he's asleep.
Try something new and exotic, like Baltimore's famous crab cakes! Or pitching a complete game shutout!!
If all else fails...Sacrifice two goats and a rooster to the baseball gods (like the one pictured at the right, he'd definitely prefer lady goats just fyi.)

We're with you Twins, rain or shine or fiery hail of dragon dung. Here's hoping something clicks sooner rather than later.

Anything you can do, Cuddy can do better

2011-04-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

Again, I could do a whole sack cloth and ashes routine over our current 3-6 start, but honestly...why? It's baseball! It's a game, a form of entertainment and it provides countless hours of distraction all summer long. While you might be deeply emotionally invested, you must admit that the sun will rise, the bird will sing and the earth will keep on spinning regardless of the Twins record. Of course I'd like them to play better, but rather than dissect all our little failings--which increases the pressure on the players and only exacerbates the situation--let's try a little positivity and focus on the Twins renaissance man: Michael Cuddyer!

I joked on Twitter yesterday that since Cuddyer is now playing 2nd the only thing he can't do is play the organ between innings. But honestly...I think that might be the only thing I haven't seen him do. In the majors he has played every outfield spot, 1st, 2nd and 3rd base, AND he did a season at short in the minors. That leaves Catcher and Pitcher, and seriously...give him time, he'll get around to it. As if that wasn't enough, he also runs charity dinners, does radio voice overs and is the go-to interview in the clubhouse. And on top of all that he blogs...he blogs with (trust me as an English teacher) superb use of parallelism and well honed rhetoric!

So now that Cuddy has put the average utility player/community leader/humble blogger to shame, what's left? According to my overactive imagination: Cuddyer will also be spending his off days researching the viability of bacteriotherapy in treating glaucoma and turf toe, speaking to graduate students at the University of Minnesota on Abraham Lincoln's direct influence on the origins of baseball and finishing his neo-pontillistic landscape painting of Target Field in the style of Georges Seurat. At some point this year he will also have to fight James Franco in an intellectual decathlon to prove once and for all who is the true Renaissance Man of modern America. (I think Cuddy will win it by baking an apple pie with a gruyere infused crust.)

Maybe he won't do all those things, maybe I'm being a little hyperbolic, but whatever actually does happen I look forward to more Cuddyer-ific discoveries in the season ahead.

Get Well Soon or 早くよくなってくれ。

2011-04-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

I could spend this blog whining about another narrow defeat at the hands of the evil Yankpire army, I could vent my spleen and denounce the entire east coast for ruining the start of our season or I could wag a finger of blame at pitchers, hitters and coaches for the scuffles in Toronto and New York.

But I don't really want to. I'm not a baseball fan because I want to criticize others or because I want my team win every game. I'm a baseball fan because I like the connection to something bigger than myself, I like the feeling of community that develops out of cheering the same group of guys from February through October, until you feel like neighbors, friends or family. And even though he's only been on the team for two short months, and he has only played 6 real major league games, I want the best for Tsuyoshi Nishioka, our new second baseman.

So when Tsuyoshi broke his fibula today in Yankee Stadium, I wilted a little bit. I know that it was a fair slide, I know that it's nobody's fault; but I couldn't help but think: "that poor guy came all the way to the US to pursue his dream job, and after 1 week he has to stop. That's not fair!" I've worked overseas, far away from family and friends. It can be fun and exciting but it's also absolutely terrifying. If you fall ill or get hurt and you suddenly can't do the one thing you know how to do in a strange land, AND you don't have the people you love by your side to help you heal--well that just flat out stinks.

I know that he'll get better, and that his wife and parents can come out to help him, and that another player (Luke Hughes) will come up to help the team, but Nishioka's a Twin, he's one of our own now, and I know that--in our little Twins Territory family--we all want to help our guys feel better. Not just because he's a talented athlete, but because in a baseball crazed community you work together, you win together, you lose together. After the injury was announced Denard sympathized with his new teammate, Nishi and GM Bill Smith apologized to one another, and the twitterverse/blogosphere erupted in frowny faces at the injury. Because, that's the Twins way--health & happiness first, victory...maybe later.

Some people might analyze what a new second baseman means to the line up and defense, some might harangue the pin-stripers for playing dirty, but I keep thinking: "would he like some cookies...a bowl of chicken noodle soup...or Miso...a bento box...some kind of comfort food?" I empathize with Tsuyoshi and just want to use this post to say: "Hayaku yoku natte kure".

Get well soon and let us know about the cookies. Love,

The Peanuts

Happy Delmon Young Day!!

2011-04-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

So...last night was awesome, and though our record is still less than sterling, a come from behind win in the Bronx sweetens this whole road trip dramatically. Best of all it came at the hands of Peanuts from Heaven favorite Delmon Young. We've advocated for Delmon before, believing him to be cooler than others thought. We've seen his ability to surprise the opposition and causing so much distraction in the enemy that they are invariably lost within their own minds. (We call this the art of Supraction (TM)--a talent Young shares with Michael "Magic-Man" Cuddyer, and their pet albino tiger)

So when Del blooped a double to right field and supracted Rope Necklace Aficionado Nick Swisher to tie the game, there was much jubilation among we Peanuts. Even more so when Batgirl (the inspirational godmother to this blog) declared today DELMON YOUNG DAY! And because around here we do whatever Batgirl says, we'd like to offer this song to help everyone sing the legend of Delmon Young. {Note: We started this last night on twitter, and envision it as set to the music that starts at 30 seconds, here.}

Attend the Tale of Delmon Young

He beat New York when a bat he swung

He broke the hearts of all Yankee fans, and excitedly ruined their dastardly plans

He stung the ball as few have stung....did Delmon Young

The Yankee Slayer in Left Field!

He plied his trade at Target Field

And there his talent seemed concealed

But in the Bronx he showed his stuff, and proved that the Twins were actually tough

Did Delmon....yes Delmon Young

The Yankee Slayer in Left Field!

Swing your bat and crush, Delmon, make those jerkwads blush!

Delmon beats the punks whose cleats have terrorized!

Attend the tale of Delmon Young

Who made the Yankees feel like dung

Then taught his mates to score some runs, for he wouldn't want to have all of the fun

Not Delmon...not Delmon Young

The Yankee Slayer in Left Field

HAPPY DELMON YOUNG DAY!!

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 7: TORONTO BLUE JAYS

2011-04-03T15:34:00.001-07:00

At last we have triumphed over the Blue Jays. And now we are free to return to the land of normal bacon, English measurements, currency not named after ducks and jokes about the Queen. Watching these games was a chore in part because they went so poorly, and in part because I'm still away from Minnesota and can only watch games via MLB.tv. The plus side is this means one last month of posts that show Twins fans what it's like to watch our boys on through the words of other announcers.

Tonight's Contestants: Pat Tabler and Buck Martinez of Rogers Sportsnet

Credentials: Buck Martinez is another baseball lifer. He played the game for twenty years (1967-1987) as a catcher for lesser known, little watched squads in Kansas City, Milwaukee and Toronto, making one trip to the post-season. He's managed the game (including a stint in Toronto at the dawn of the aughts) and has broadcast games with ESPN, TBS and now back in Toronto [Sidenote: fans of EA Sports might remember Buck Martinez as the play-by-play announcer for the baseball games in the 90s...I know the history of the phrase "a can of corn" because every eighth play in those games Buck Martinez explained the etymology of that phrase] Martinez's color-commentator is Pat Tabler, who won a world series with the Blue Jays in 1992 and was a great clutch hitter (.500 with the bases loaded).

Analysis: Competent. Steady. Reliable. A little bland. (Not unlike Canada itself!) With two hitters in the booth they really can't analyze much of the pitching, but do a good job noting the defensive shifts, base running decisions, and hitting styles of all players. They don't really get into any chummy chatter, nobody tells jokes, they simply talk about the game, and when you're full of the rampant enthusiasm of a new season and a new coach it's easy to concentrate on the game. They don't deride the other team, but they don't really mention much more than talking points. They're at their most excited anytime a player hits a fly ball to the outfield, assuming (like many Toronto fans it seems) that fly ball = home run...every time it doesn't turn out they seem slightly surprised.

Sample Quote: Martinez: And BAUTISTA hits it back to CENTER FIELD!!!...Span going back!!!........Makes the catch short of the warning track...one out.

Rating: 2.5 Blylevens. There's nothing wrong with competency--it's important to have. It's just a little less engaging than personality. (My sour mood during blow out games probably doesn't help...but still...)

Throwing in the towel...literally

2011-04-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well... I don't really know what to say about any of this. So maybe I just won't say much.

Morneau went 0 for 4.
We lost by 10 runs.
Toronto fans threw towels at us. Seriously. Towels. Who throws towels??? AND why do you even need to throw anything at all when you are winning by a large margin. I rest my case.

It also doesn't help that we are starting off our season with what is arguably the cruelest road trip ever designed. Toronto, where we always inexplicably suck, followed by the Yankees, who we always inexplicably suck against no matter where we're playing. We could be playing on Mars and we would still choke against the Yankees.

You know it's bad when the announcers resort to talking about how great it is that tomorrow will be a "nice day" (aka 40 degrees and possibly not rainy). Le sigh. Let's move on.

Towels though? Really???

Our New Hall-of-Famer & Incredibly Accurate Pre-Season Predictions

2011-04-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Opening Day Everyone!! We tried to spruce up the blog a little bit, so now there are pages you can click at the top of the screen, and the first chirps of our brand new twitter feed (http://twitter.com/heavenlypeanuts) are on the right side of the screen.

We're trying to engage our readers more and more at this blog (hurrah for socializing!) and to that end we're proud to post the new Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame Plaque of unanimous inductee: NICK PUNTO! [Tumultuous cheers and applause]

Seriously, I know he wasn't everyone's favorite player, but Nick Punto was the model Twin: played hard, always fought, cheered on his teammates, and did it all for a fairly modest salary. It was easy to love watching him play, because you could tell he just loved to play. God Speed Nicky P. We will miss you.

Finally, since every other Twins blogger is doing it we will follow the crowd with our pre-season predictions. Unlike other Twins bloggers though, ours are 100% guaranteed to be right! Behold the power of our brains!

Every Major League Team will play 162 games to determine their regular season records.
Joe Mauer will have sideburns.
8 teams will receive play-off berths.
Joe Buck will irritate baseball fans throughout the nation.
The team who scores the most runs in the deciding game of the World Series will win the World Championship trophy.
Many, many profanities will be directed at the New York Yankees.
Regardless of their final record (or the number of people who read this blog) the Peanuts From Heaven will cheer the Twins all season long.

LETS GO TWINS!

Offseason Daydreaming #2: Everything's Better in Bracket Form

2011-03-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

On this website I usually go by the moniker: "The Scruffy Rube". However, my family knows me, by another name: "Bracket Boy". See, I run the family's March Madness pool, and whenever my brothers and I imagined a competition (be it video-game or backyard) I came up with the competition's structure.

During the off-season there's no shortage of brackets to explore and study and gawp at, and I admit that I enjoy just about all of them. And I must admit, that as much as I love baseball--in terms of brackets--it can't hold a candle to how other sports structure and use these little devils. So this offseason, as I watched other sports I wondered how baseball could improve their use of brackets...and came up with the following little idea.

The best bracket belongs to college basketball, as pretty much every sports fan watching the last month of games can attest. But the NCAA uses their bracket to pick a champion, and baseball probably shouldn't be adding games to the end of the season--diluting the playoffs, and risking the health of players. But what if I told you we could add a tournament mid-season, turning mid-May, early-August snooze fests into riveting, playoff baseball? It can be done, and it can be done by cribbing a plan from the most popular sport on the planet: futbol aka soccer.

For those of you who don't follow international soccer leagues, allow me to explain. In professional soccer you win the league title by playing a long, grueling season against all the other teams in your league. That's the gold medal, the unquestioned goal for all. BUT! to add a little drama and a few more shiny things to the mix, teams also compete in a "Cup" competition, following a bracket structure to fight for a title that's decided before the league title. This way a team that perennially finishes in the middle of the league can win a trophy and give their fans some exciting baseball to cheer for.

Let me explain how this would work (in my head). Both American and National Leagues have their own Cups (we'll call them the Ban Johnson Cup and the William Hulbert Cup for the founders of the two leagues). Next, draw teams into the bracket: we could do this a couple ways--rank the teams according to their record from the previous year, according to their spring training record this year, number of all stars, or basically via random ping-pong balls. Since the European leagues like ping-pong balls, I'll go with that method here. Since the National League has 16 teams that works out into 8 neat and easy first round match ups. As shown below:

The American League has 14 teams, so that's a little more complicated. I'll put in 6 first round match-ups and give 2 random teams a first round bye; even though that gives an advantage to teams who might not deserve it...such are the effects of the fickle fingers of fate (lucky Mariners):

Each round can be a simple three-game series that counts to a team's overall record in the league. Hold them whenever you like: Monday-Wednesday? Tuesday-Thursday? Friday-Sunday? Whatever you want! Have one series near the start of May, round 2 in June, round 3 in July and the finals in the dog days of August. For the sake of showing what this would look like I did a rudimentary "simulation" using team-v.s.-team records from last season and advancing the team who won more games. Here's how the NL (William Cuthbert Cup) Turned out:

And here's the AL (Ban Johnson Cup):

A few quick thoughts here: Notice that while several premier teams reached the semi-finals in each round, it was not a perfect match for the teams that made the play-offs last year. Of last year's NL play-off teams only the Braves made the "final four" and in the AL the two League Championship Teams (Yankees & Rangers) were bounced in the first round. It's also worth noting that my "simulation" doesn't take into account some of the unlikely series that occur in your typical baseball season. For instance, while the Braves won the Cuthbert Cup, they did drop an ugly series in Pittsburgh last September...Who's to say they couldn't do the same this May? Setting up a Pirates v. Astros series that actually MEANS something.

I know there are some flaws with my plan: for instance--how do you slip these games into the season? {My thought was to dump inter-league games and use these instead, with the teams who lose a stage of the competition playing inter-league games during future rounds.} Couldn't this lead to imbalanced schedules for teams competing for playoff spots? {Yes, but inter-league already does that when the Twins had to play the Braves, and Phillies while the White Sox beat up on the Cubs and Nationals.} How do you make sure that everyone gets an equal number of home & away games? {No clear answer to that, we might need to have TBA series scheduled throughout the summer so that the Commissioner can make sure things come out even.}

I'm sure there are many more (feel free to jot them in the comments below, I like the mental exercise), but for now I just wanted to run this idea up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it. I think it adds drama to a long season, sells tickets in forgotten markets, gives owners something to brag about, gives players something to add to their resumes come free agency and gives fans across the country a bracket to dissect and cheer about all summer long.

(And now, at last I'm going to bed...hopefully this late-night brainwave was as fun for you as it was for me. And remember...three more days until the Twins season starts!)

Offseason Daydreaming #1: Expanding Twins Territory into a Twins Empire

2011-03-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

The season's right around the corner, but if you're a baseball fan you've probably been thinking about the game all winter long. In that spirit I present one of the impractical daydreams I had this winter, just to get it off my chest onto yours.

I admit, I'm pretty excited about the first Japanese position player to wear the TC on his cap. Tsuyoshi Nishioka's got speed, he's got style up the middle, he's got a laid back attitude and he's willing to do anything to help the team. I'm pleased as punch...more than punch...I'm as pleased as the Kool-Aid Man's Punch Like substance

Part of my happiness is related to the fact that we've got a good middle infielder, and part of my happiness comes from the fact that now the Twins have something to boast about overseas. As someone who has travelled around the world, I can tell you that baseball isn't tremendously popular abroad, but shouting out: "New York Yankees!" is.

Even though people in Africa and Asia don't know much about baseball, they know the Yankees. The Yankees are a multi-billion dollar industry, and if you see US baseball caps elsewhere in the world, they're usually Yankees caps. So when I say "I cheer for the Minnesota Twins" I get a lot of "who?" and a little bit of "what/where?" Part of me hopes that Nishioka might make us a little more popular, might lead to a few more fans, and might (just might) be a big fat "pbbbt" to the Yankees global hegemony.

But, I figure, why limit ourselves to just Japan? We've got a fair few fellas from the Caribbean and that's nice, we've got the Aussie, Luke Hughes, fighting for a spot on the opening day roster, we had the Flying Dutchman Bert Blyleven...but why not look to some new territory...why not sign the first Indian to a major league contract?

If you didn't know, I used to live in India (check the archives on my other blog for more info). While I lived there it was hard to follow baseball, but really easy to follow cricket: the subcontinent's sporting obsession. And while I would never start a blog entitled: "Tea Crumpets from Heaven" I do actually like the sport. It's like a long home run derby with the batter in the middle of the field, and the pitcher entitled to run up to the rubber before throwing (thereby making the ball go by VERY quickly). And while living in India, I naturally fell for the national cricket team, a talented but often unlucky side who often falls short in the playoffs (remind you of anybody else?).

So here's my idea, let's go after Sachin Tendulkar, the best batsman in India's history. He could play a corner outfield position or serve as designated hitter, and maybe, just maybe, feel like he's got nothing to lose by trying out the game with the round bat rather than the flat one. In my fevered imagination I can see him trying out in February 2012, establishing an incentive laden contract to replace Jim Thome, and hitting somewhere around .300 with about 20 home runs...true he might be more comfortable hitting balls that bounce in the dirt before they cross the plate, but heck, it works for Vladmir Gurrero! Best of all it makes the Minnesota Twins THE baseball team in India, which (as you may know) has a fairly large population.

I know this is impractical. That baseball and cricket prefer to be estranged from each other rather than integrated. That asking an Indian mega-star like Tendulkar to play a bench role in Minnesota is like asking Johnny Depp if he'd be willing to be an understudy for a play in Estonia. But still...when you're deprived of baseball all winter, but blessed with cricket, these are the ideas that float through your head, and until I see Sachin swing and miss at an Oriole's pitch, I'll prefer to believe that it COULD work. Anybody willing to take this to Bill Smith?

Coping with the loss of Pat Neshek

2011-03-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so if you're a frequent reader of this blog you probably have been wondering: "hey, why haven't the heavenly peanuts written anything in a month? Are they trapped under something heavy like an armoire or a zeppelin?" No gentle reader, we were only trapped under the soul crushing obligations of graduate school; in particular, I was up to my neck in Masters Thesis frooferah. {Long story short: after many revisions, speeches, extra revisions and technological snafus I am a Master of my (intellectual) Domain! This means less with the working, and more with the obsessive Twins following, so win-win!}

I'm also writing today because I was personally surprised at how much a little blurb on ESPN affected me yesterday morning. Quoth the behemoth of sports journalism: "The San Diego Padres have claimed right-hander Pat Neshek off waivers from the Minnesota Twins."

I saw that and my first thought was: "What? No...this has to be some kind of mistake." But sure enough, Sideshow Pat's taking his side-slinging act to southern California. My next thought was: "What the fuchia Twins? Don't let this happen! Stop it!!" Then I thought: "Didn't we get anything for him? A prospect? Some cash?!? Something?" And then, I sighed, remembered that for as much effort as we care about the Twins, Pat might have a better career in an easier league with a team that can play him. Then I smiled at the happy memories and wished him the best. I talked with Stinky through most of my reactions and she had many of the same feelings. I called my mom and she too felt as flabbergasted, confused, but ultimately hopeful for him.

After all this, I realized that I had gone through a minor form of the stages of grief over a baseball player...not a dead one, a traded one...and not a big star, a middle reliever whose best year was 3-4 years ago. I suddenly imagined what some of my non-sports-mad friends would say at my behavior. Sitting around, rolling their eyes, clucking their tongues and saying: "shouldn't you worry about something more important than this?"

So I wonder...is it wrong of me to have so much emotional investment in a ballplayer that I grieve when he leaves my team? He's a professional athlete doing what he loves to do, and he does not know me, or (probably) care who I am and how I feel. I've just written a masters thesis, I need to find a job, there are tsunamis and civil wars and police actions and everything...am I totally nuts to care about Pat Neshek?

Answer: Yes. Yes I am...and what's more, I like being this nuts.

See, I think that our modern society lets us live in our own little bubbles. We plug into our i-pods and walk numbly down the street. We watch cable news personalities who endorse our personal views. We cling to what's ours, guarding our belongings, our personal space, our everything with fierce tenacity.

But if you're a baseball fan, you have to connect with other people, you high-five other random fans at the game and nod your approval when you see someone else walking down the street wearing the right baseball cap. Even players in the game have to rely on each other because no single player can dominate the game. You can't play right field and third base simultaneously. You can't hit a double, then call "ghosties" and knock yourself in. Baseball forces us to rely on each other, and I like that.

And over the long season fans and players grow together, and it feels like we're all buddies or neighbors or second cousins. You learn weird trivia, like that Neshek was a vegetarian who went to Butler University. In my imagination, I could have seen Neshek at any Twin Cities grocery store nodding his approval at a guy in a Twins cap and offering his recipe for picking out a ripe eggplant if you said you were confused. Maybe this wouldn't have happened...but I feel like it's more likely to happen among baseball fans/players than among the rest of the populace at large, and I love that feeling.

I don't want to just think about those things that are "more important" than Pat Neshek getting traded, I want to connect with them. The first word of the tsunami, sent me straight to e-mail to check if my old students were okay. And when a gas main blew up in south Minneapolis last week, right away I thought about who could be near the area and how I could help them if they needed me. I want to be connected to other people, and being a Twins fan makes me feel connected with lots of people, the fans and the pros, and even the guy who just got traded.

I hope Pat Neshek does well, I really do. I hope he gets a major league roster spot, and a condo with a view of the ocean and a vegetable co-op next door, and a couple moreButler Bulldog miracles. I hope everybody gets what would make them happiest in the world. And now that my thesis is done and a return to Minnesota is on the horizon, what would make me happy is having some more people to share it with...my family, my friends, my fellow Twins fans and maybe even Pat Neshek (assuming he finds out I exist).

Happy Birthday Stinky!

2011-02-16T09:41:00.000-08:00

Hard to figure out what the best birthday present is for our fellow heavenly peanut, the immensely talented and intelligent Stinky.

First, players will officially report for spring training tomorrow. Sunshine, blue skies, balls, bats, baseball is coming back! After having to shovel off her car several dozen times this winter, this is a harbinger of good times and fortuitously timed to boot.

Second, the adorably scrappy Little Nicky Punto has been elected by you (our loyal readers) to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame. While he is small of stature he is great in grit, pluck and guile. Watching a man the size and shape of a supermarket bag boy play major league baseball never failed to make us laugh.

Third, Delmon Young has signed a contact and will be back in left field for the coming season. This means that whenever Stinky goes to the ballpark she'll be treated to another year worth of her dad saying: "Alright Delmont!!" (she'll also be treated to the various other things that people say about Delmon...but this is a family blog and we won't print them here)

Finally, there's the following clip of the honorable chairman Joseph Mauer honing his swing for the coming season. Better still, he's being serenaded by the roots raising Stinky's hopes still higher for a ?uestlove guest track on Mauer's upcoming rap album: Ballz and Strikz.

Clearly the Twins know how important it is to keep the fans happy--or at least, to keep Stinky happy. If Stinky ain't happy, ain't no body happy!

Ain't Too Proud to Beg...

2011-02-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

There's just a week to go before pitchers and catchers report which means only 7 days left to vote for the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame!!! So all you lurkers and random passers-by on the internet, don't be afraid, the buttons won't bite you! Look over there at the right hand side of the screen and click on the players who made watching Twins games a treat.

So cast your vote and leave a comment while you're at it. We like making new friends: Brazilians, Brits, Oregonians, Oklahomans, heck--even New Yorkers! We're Minnesotans, we're bound by state law to be nice. So leave a comment and make a Peanut's day!

Join the gang, join the discussion, life's more fun when we share. Seriously, I need some baseball conversations; I need debates and complaints, pleas and analyses. Who will lead our team in scrappiness without Nicky Punto around? Is Joe Nathan healthy, and if not, will he cut off Matt Capps' arm and make it his own? If a Jason Kubel falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?

These are the kinds of question that make baseball fun! Now that we're free from the iron grasp of pro football let us rejoice and make merry!! Baseball's back, share the joy! (PLEASE?!?)

A Letter to My New Hero

2011-02-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Brian Duensing,

I have just finished reading this recent news article from the Minneapolis Star Tribune, and let me begin by saying: my deepest condolences to you and your friends, family and neighbors in Omaha. I can't imagine the trauma of the incident described, and I hope that your community can continue to come together in this time of need.

However, I learned many other things from this article. For instance: You totally despise the Yankees...so do I. You graduated from high school in 2001...so did I. You majored in English Literature and expressed an interest in teaching high school if baseball didn't work out...so did I! (Only I could tell baseball wouldn't work out for me around age 9.)

Because you're so much like me Brian, I now feel terrible about constantly linking blog posts about you to silly you tube clips and giving you the nickname: "Brian "You Make Me Feel Like" Duensing ". I would not have made such a lame joke if I had known how alike we are. I will also resist, for the moment, the temptation to ask you for lesson plan opinions and making silly comments about Vygotsky's "Strike Zone of Proximal Development" [Education Nerd Joke! HIYO--!!!!!]

I will simply wish you best of luck on the coming season...because when one English Lit/Education Major wins...WE ALL WIN!!

Warmest Regards,

The Scruffy Rube

P.s. Nerds FOREVER!!

Vote for the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame

2011-01-24T05:47:00.000-08:00

As January draws to a close our eyes will turn southward to Spring Training in Fort Meyers and the joys that go along with it. Sunshine. Blue Skies. The sound of Joe Mauer's bat hitting a ball so hard that PETA activists charge him with cruelty to animal skins. And, because we're a weird crew we baseball fans, we'll be dreaming of October--in February...'cause we're like that.

But we'll also be thinking of the players who've left us over the last offseason, and as is our habit here at Peanuts From Heaven, we like to commemorate the fallen with one final photoshop as an induction into our very own Hall of Fame. This is a hall dedicated not to the absolute BEST Twins players, but instead dedicated to those who make watching the game so entertaining and make writing and reading about the Twins one of our favorite pastimes.

This year, instead of unilaterally deciding which former Twin should be enshrined alongside such ever amusing icons as Bert Blyleven and Carlos Gomez, we're going to open the voting to you! In the right menu bar you'll see a poll--click next to the player you want to see a hall of fame photoshop of and we'll provide it! The poll will be open until pitchers and catchers report and the induction ceremony will be held on the first day of Spring Training.

In case you need a reminder the candidates are:

Jesse Crain (A guy so nice we called him "Uber-Menschy" or...Ze Ubermensch!)

Orlando Hudson (About as bombastic as I am)

JJ Hardy (Boy Detective/Dreamy Shortstop)

Nick Punto (Enough Said)

John Rauch (who I didn't make a photoshop of, but who did have this sweet intro video for half a year--which just screams Kenny Powers-esque, doesn't it?)

Matt Guerrier (who also didn't get a photoshop, but was a great straight man to the antics of the rest of our bullpen.)

VOTE AT THE RIGHT!

My Arbitration Demands

2011-01-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

As the Twins prepare to bicker and dither over the salaries of several key players, I've reviewed our blogging contract and come to the conclusion that my partner Stinky and I are vastly underpaid for the services we provide.

Just look at our stats, gentle reader! Sure our posts per year average dropped last year...but we were in foreign countries for large chunks of time! We can bounce back to good form! Besides, the big stats--drawing new visitors, keeping a high loyalty rate among regular visitors, providing links to other parts of the blogosphere--all of them were stable or improved! Heck, we increased the the number of graphs and charts 400%! Blog readers love statistics! And we love our blog readers!

But, sadly, love don't feed the bulldog, Dottie. If you want us to keep churning out sassy commentary on Twins news we'll need a few things. And while Stinky may have her personal demands, I'd like to state my own contract requests now:

An annual salary in the low two-figure range
A no-trade clause that precludes me from being sent to a Yankees blog against my will.
A puppy (the one at the right will be acceptable)
Bonus incentives at a rate of 20 gummy worms for every 25 new photoshops I make, maxing out at 100 gummy worms if I create 100 or more.
At least one comment, at any point in the year, that says: "THAT WAS AWESOME!"

If these requests seem out of line expensive just remember: if Matt Capps is getting 7 Million dollars, aren't my contributions to Twins Territory worth a bag of gummy worms over the year?

But this is not a point-blank demand, I'll happily negotiate and continue writing this blog. But we've got to work together to come up with an equitable solution for us all gang. So please, leave your counter offers in the comments section below.

***Update January 21st

As there's no response yet I'll lower my demands to

A salary in the low ten-cent range
The no-trade clause
A signing bonus of three gummy worms

***Update January 24th

Fine, I give in...I'll keep blogging without a salary and without the no-trade clause...oh, and I found an unattended bag of gummy worms at my office yesterday--so we'll call that good enough

JIM-BO!

2011-01-14T12:46:00.000-08:00

Just when it looked like our offseason was frozen in carbonite, ESPN reported that Mr. Jim Thome will be returning to the Twin Cities next year as our designated hitter, veteran clubhouse leader and de facto Paul Bunyan impersonator.

This is great news for us as both Twins fans and snarky bloggers. It not only gives our team a potent right handed bat off the bench and helps us avoid the soul-sucking morass of signing Manny Ramirez or Johnny Damon, but also allows us to pluck the low hanging fruit of ageism. To wit:

Jim Thome's so old, when he draws a walk, he goes to first base on his rascal
Jim Thome's so old, he celebrated the Twins playoff berth with a big glass of Ensure.
Jim Thome's so old, he thought Carl Pohlad was an ornery whippersnapper.

But seriously, I only make those terrible terrible jokes because I am very fond of Mr. Thome, and I show my appreciation through playful mockery rather than overzealous regurgitation of stats and stories. Thanks for choosing us Jim-bo, you're a gentleman, a scholar, and a damn fine hitter if ever there was one. If you take offense to my lame jokes, I will try to be insightful next season...I probably won't be insightful...but I'll try.

Hall of Fame Voting Philosophies--and why they're stupid

2011-01-12T05:08:00.001-08:00

While I know it's about a week after the fact, I wanted to write about Hall of Fame voting. Though we Peanuts already made him a Hall of Famer years ago, we have to congratulate Bert Blyleven again on getting into the "official" Hall of Fame. But Bert-Fever's been tempered by a scad of curmudgeons who still believe he doesn'tbelong in the Hall of Fame. Their reasons are varied, but few have to do with his statistics. Now, complaints about Bert are less about his resume and more about the ways in which Bert violates their delicate sensibilities about who should be a "Hall of Famer".

It is those voters, those sensibilities and those complaints that I want to address, by taking a number of their arguments and pointing out the fallacies of such claims. I don't mean to claim that I'm smarter or better than the people who hold to these arguments; I'm just a former/future English teacher (hopefully*) who can't resist the urge to correct the writing of people who can't distinguish personal opinion from genuine reasoning. Below, I've listed their opinions and scrutinized their failings. If you enjoy semantic discourse read on, if not, just appreciate the fact that Bert's in and they can't kick him out now.

1) Bouncer Philosophy--If you weren't a first ballot Hall of Famer, you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some would say that the truly great are obvious and instantly admitted. This allows the Hall of Fame voters to act like bouncers at a happening night club, letting in A-listers with casual coolness and keeping the plebes at bay until those great unwashed stop bothering you or leave. Problem is, real bouncers often have to bear in mind fire code and occasionally ask even the awesomest of the awesome to wait just a tick. Cy Young (you know, the pitcher so good they named the "best pitcher of the year" awards after him) had to wait a year; Rogers Hornsby (one of the best hitters/2nd basemen ever) waited five; Duke Snider (a player frequently compared to Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle) waited eleven. Even bouncers make mistakes.

2) The Omnipotent Writer Philosophy--If I didn't vote for you before, I can't vote for you now, so you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some writers value consistency, and once they vote for someone, they vote that way forever. Unfortunately some people apply the same logic by voting against candidates. Because apparently, if you're a baseball writer, once you develop an opinion it can't change no matter how much thinking you do. This theory drives me nuts, especially when I hear people say: "how can someone who you didn't think was good enough for years, suddenly become good enough?!?!?" Why not ask, "how can you think a movie is better after you watch it a second or third time?" or "How can you change your opinion on _____? What are you some kind of thinking person who thinks?"

3) The Reputation Philosophy--If you didn't "win the big one" or intimidate your enemies you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some voters believe the the opinions of others are a good basis for their own. If you couldn't win a World Series or a playoff game; if you never won an MVP or Cy Young award; if you didn't have other players cowering in your shadow...well, you clearly suck. Here's the thing though: baseball's a team sport. You can be the greatest hitter of all time, but if your pitcher doesn't throw strikes you're going to lose. You can have an incredible unbelievable season on the mound, but part of the credit for it has to go to the defense that saved you runs and games. And I don't care how fearsome a player is, part of their intimidating nature depends on the situation (Mauer having Denard on base and Morneau hitting behind him). I won't deny that over time the best rise to the top and are rightfully venerated, but reputation alone is not enough to make a judgement.

4) The Wealthy Dowager Philosophy--Nobody lives up to the standards of the past, so to let in the "nearly excellent" would destroy the standards of the Hall of Fame:

I admit I love baseball history and doubt that some inductees are as great as others. (Bert's great, but he's not Sandy Koufax.) But I've never heard anyone say: "I went to the Hall of Fame, and it was okay, but that damned Hack Wilson plaque--just ruined it for me." This isn't the last bastion of Western Civilization, it's the Baseball Hall of Fame, let in who you want, but remember the Hall of Fame existed for decades before you and will exist for decades after. Whenever I hear these opinions I think of Aunt Augusta in The Importance of Being Earnest (like I said, English teacher), dropping her pince nez in disgust and recoiling in horror: "What Mr. Blyleven? Your ERA is 3.31 and you were born in a handbag? A HANDBAG!?!?!?!?!?"

I'm glad we can have these kinds of debates, and gladder still to have some baseball to talk about. Whether you agree with me or not, it's my pleasure to instigate the conversation. So, what do you think?

A quick note before bed

2011-01-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

I've been bounding about the Twin Cities taking care of some business most of the day. But I thought I should say this today, rather than tomorrow: Congratulations to Bert Blyleven, the greatest Dutchman to ever play the game and a brand new Hall of Famer.

(Reactions to the news included high-fives between my brother and I at a bar downtown where we ate lunch, thumbs up from the bartenders and waiters and a small woop from a guy at a table by the windows. Even in Turkey, Stinky shouted out her excitement and gave a number of smiley faces: Turks for BERT!)

In honor of Bert, I will happily post this interview with the new Hall of Famer, which shows vintage Blyleven: bemusement, and poop jokes--gotta love him.

Back with more on the Hall of Fame tomorrow...or today..or whatever.

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-02T15:29:00.001-08:00

After a delightful holiday break, we loyal Peanuts are back in business for your 2011 in Twinnesota.

There's all kinds of big things coming up in the year ahead, heck, in the next week alone, Carl Pavano will probably pick where to pitch, Bert Blyleven will find out if he gets a Hall of Fame plaque, and Bill Smith will see if he can return ugly sweaters after a couple of weeks. But while each of those events will merit big news coverage, we should also bear in mind the personal stories that distinguish just what makes our team so special.

Of course, every team wants to win a World Series, but what are the personal goals of our favorite athletes? Since we can't ask them ourselves, let's just make up what their New Year Resolutions could be!

Joe Mauer: Drop debut rap album Catcher in the Raw in time for the 2011 holiday season.

Jose Mijares: Find whoever keeps posting pictures of me as a princess and beat them up.

Denard Span: Go rest of life without hitting mother with a foul ball.

Carl Pavano: Keep the facial hair comeback alive by adding mutton chops.

Justin Morneau:Learn how to play first base inside a protective bubble to avoid future injuries.

Matt Capps: Pitch well enough to avoid the nickname "Fat Capps".

Delmon Young: Popularize the nickname "Fat Capps"

Brian Duensing: Convince bouncers in Minneapolis that I am actually old enough to get in to local night clubs.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka: Figure out how to play baseball in a very cold American city (wearing this blanket as a uniform might be a good start)

Scott Baker: Grow facial hair that doesn't get mocked endlessly.

Michael Cuddyer: Perfect the "Vanishing Yankee" illusion.

Ron Gardenhire: Learn how to use the twitter, so I can critique how other people do their jobs...that's the point of the thing...right?

A little story

2010-12-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a relief pitcher for the Minnesota Twins who thought that he was actually early 20th century philosopher Frederich Nietzsche. He wasn't really, but this did not stop him, or uninformed bloggers, from believing it was true.

One snowy winter day in December 2010 (the 11th to be exact), Jesse Crain and his teammates decided to take a stroll through downtown Minneapolis. "Dudes," said Delmon Young. "Why are we walking in a blizzard?"

"I have no idea, but this is super fun!" cried Matt Tolbert, leaping and bounding over snowbanks and laughing with joy. "He stopped in wonder at the top of a hill from which he could see the metrodome. "Wow guys!" he said in a half whisper. "Look at it, it's so beautiful and magical! Like a giant fluffly marshmallow."

"Yeah," said Justin Morneau, tearing up a little. "Remember all the great memories we had playing there? Like when Torii burned half his face off sliding across the astroturf?" They all chucked and shook their heads, remembering his shriek of horror as he realized the friction had set his jersey on fire.

"Good times, good times." Said Kevin Slowey. "Well, even though we don't play there anymore it's good to know the ol' dome will always be there, to preserve our precious mem-". At that moment, there was a deafening tearing sound and the roof of the metrodome slowly collapsed in on itself like a sadly deflating balloon under the crushing weight of a gazillion points of snow.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Matty Tolbert, frozen to the spot in horror. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOO WHAT IS HAPPENING? HOW CAN THIS BE???? THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!!!!!!"

"No," Jesse Crain replied calmly. "There isn't. God is dead. You disgust me with your backwards Christian morality. Behold the power of ZE UBERMENSCH!" He put his hands on his hips and tried to tower imposingly over his teammates but nothing really happened. "That's just silly," Denard Span replied. "God is not dead. He is alive in all of us. I talk to him before every game."

Jesse laughed. "Ridiculous. Everyone knows that faith is just the same as not wanting to know what is true." "But," Denard replied, "we can concieve of the existence of God, therefore he must be real."
"Um, no," replied Jesse. "I can conceive of unicorn, but that doesn't mean unicorns are real."
"They totally are," said Tolbert.
"No they aren't," said Denard. "But horns are real, and horses are real - and it is only because these two things exist that we can conceive of a Unicorn. God is That Than Which None Greater Can Be Conceived - and because we can concieve of this, it must be real."

"Agh!" Jesse cried. "You and your ontological reasoning! You think you can win but you can't! I can't conceive of that...anything...YOUR MOM!!!" And with that he exploded in a tiny puff and turned up four days later in hell. Or actually it was the White Sox clubhouse, but they're pretty much the same thing.

This deeply confused the White Sox front office, and when Ozzie Guillen first saw him his immediate reaction was to attack him with a fishing pole screaming "DON'T LET IT EAT ME!"... but soon they all just got used to him being there and decided to let him stay.
.....
And that's how Jesse Crain became a White Sock.
The end.

Yes, I am writing this instead of my 15 page strategy paper which is due tomorrow. Shut up. I totally have my priorities straight.

The Getting or the Gathering

2010-12-15T06:40:00.001-08:00

During this, the holiday season, our airwaves are inundated with stories that remind us of what this time of the year is really all about: kindness, compassion and loving concern for our fellow earthlings. Occasionally, we lose sight of this holiday spirit and fixate upon shiny new gadgets or sparkly baubles or free agent baseball players worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Because this is a baseball blog, I'll focus on the last one of those things (although, my i-Pad IS very very shiny). {Note, for best results, read this post along with the music at this link}

In the wake of the trade that sent JJ Hardy to Baltimore, a subtle sense of depression has infiltrated the normally peppy Twins blogosphere. Hardy's salary had to be cut to afford a new pitcher, but we can't seem sign one. And while our rivals have wrapped up big names (Victor Martinez in Detroit; Adam Dunn in Chicago; Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford in Boston), the Twins front office seems to be dreaming of sugar plums and hoping that Santa delivers a free-agent miracle into their stockings.

In the eyes of many this is a source of vexation. We seem to have reached a plateau--competing for the title, but never winning it--and while other teams keep coming up with the funds to pay sixth starters, long relievers and reserve infielders multiple millions, we insist on asking obscure, inexpensive youngsters like Duensing, Slama, Burnett, Tolbert & Plouffe to do what higher profile back-ups on big clubs do. Such unproven-no-names and best-case-scenarios "is what differentiates [the Twins] from the big spenders out east, and its the exact kind of thing that will keep them from ever being able to surpass the Yankees in team talent" (according to the wise old dean of Twins Blogdom, Nick Nelson).

Such painfully frank analysis, especially from a blogger of Nelson's calibre, makes the whole game of baseball seems like a foregone conclusion; an equation that will invariably end in pinstriped easterners holding a big gold trophy. Faced with this impending failure, despair has permeated the Twins blogosphere. "We're screwed," they say. "We're dead," they say. "We've got no chance to compete" they say. Without quality free agent acquisitions our team may as well shuffle loose the mortal coil and join the Pittsburghs and Seattles of the world. (Or, to return to the holiday theme of this post: we pout that unless we have that expensive new player all the other teams are getting, the whole year will be ruined and we'll never be happy again.)

Far be it from me to say Nick Nelson is wrong, but I will (politely) disagree with the gloom and doom that has blossomed in the wake of his (and others) concerns. Maybe it's just the season-- the warm feeling inspired by one glass of egg nog too many or too many viewings of A Muppet Christmas Carol--but I can't summon the same despair. This is the time of year to embrace the spirit of the season and the people who surround us. Instead of fixating on the things that we don't have or the material possessions that we desperately want, now is the time to concentrate on how being with other people brings out the very best in ourselves.

Celebrating the holidays is not unlike being a baseball fan. You find reason for hope even in the darkest part of the year. You learn to celebrate and express gratitude for what you do have rather than what you don't. You spend quality time with your nearest and dearest and remember that, though they can drive you crazy, you're tied to each other for a lot longer than one day.

So, if you're convinced that life won't be worth while unless the Twins put a cool dirt bike of a player like Derek Lee or Brandon Webb underneath our tree come the 25th, take a deep breath. Remember, there's hope for every team every season. Remember, others (in say, Cleveland) would love to be at our "plateau". And remember to enjoy this time with your fellow fans no matter who joins the fold. Even if all we get is a pair of socks named Nick Punto, it's the holidays, its not about the getting, it's about the gathering.