The Plot Thinkens

For all of you desperately awaiting the next installment of Honus Wagner Professional Badass WAIT NO LONGER!!

As always there are two links: The Web, and the iTunes

I won't give away much more now, but just know that this weeks episode features a special appearance by a certain special someone--pictured below embracing our man Honus.

Heartbroken...kinda

Earlier this week Mark McGwire tearfully announced that he had indeed used steroids throughout his career, finally confirming what many have long suspected. I, Scruffy, was rather non-plussed, I remember the summer of '98, and how much I enjoyed the home run chase. (Though I was, admittedly a Sosa-man.) However, my love of the game came not from the chase alone, but from watching Ken Burns' epic documentary with my brother, playing "home-run-derby" in the driveway of our home, rereading "The Boys of Summer" and just generally reveling in the awesomeness of sport.

As cool as it was to watch those dingers fly, I tired of it quickly, and turned my attention thereafter to teams...first the Mets (since they were in contention) and then, back to the Twins when I moved to Minnesota. I learned to love the hard-nosed scrappy play--free from those titanic blasts, but full of the grit, determination and pluck which appeals to anyone who roots for underdogs. As more was said about steroids I cared less and less about homeruns and the men who hit them--I had Torii, I had Johan, I had Joe and Justin and Cuddy...what did I care what happened to Barry, Mark and Sammy?

So McGwire admitted it...and? I still love baseball, and I always will regardless of anything stated in an embarrassed press release by an erstwhile "hero" of the game. But I'm not alone in this, so what does Stinky think? Well...why don't we ask her? Stinky?

(Stinky takes over): True, I wasn't really shocked when McGwire admitted to using steroids. It's like Joan Rivers admitting she's had plastic surgery. But, it did make me sad. It made me sad for the players who never used steroids, who might have gotten more recognition had it not been for guys like McGwire, and for great players like Joe Mauer, who will now have to feel like their sudden ability to hit for power will put their honesty and integrity into question. And it also made me feel a little sad for McGwire himself, who honestly didn't seem to realize that what he'd done was cheating.

Back to Scruffy.

In a fit of late night awesomeness, Stinky and I have been enjoying some popcorn, humming some Sondheim and some hulu when we came across the following clip from our oft quoted (and occasionally plagiarized) friend Stephen Colbert. (We edited it to the germane part)

And just when you'd given up on the sport of Baseball altogether, you remember this guy. Honus Wagner: Professional Badass. Everyone knows it...even Stephen Colbert. It shall go down in the annals of history.

G'night everyone.

P.S. Dear Joe Mauer, since I gave you a shoutout can you give me a contract extension in return? Please...? We're waiting.

Episode 2

Peanuts from Heaven is proud to present the further adventures of Honus Wagner Professional Badass

In which we begin to explore the origins of the frightening monster cattle, and the dangers afoot in New Twinksburgh

Featuring Special Guest Star:

OLD MAN COBB!!

Click here for a web podcast, or here for your itunes fix (or simply refresh your podcasts if you've already subscribed)

Also coming soon, commentary on the Hall of Fame, Mark McGwire and Stinky's top 10 free agents we should sign (not because they're good, just because she likes them)

THE Official Peanuts From Heaven Podcast

So. We've been gone for a little while, but have we been lax in our devotion to the Twins? OH NO MY FRIENDS, oh no. Every morning Stinky checks her interweb for news on the Joe Mauer contract saga, every afternoon Scruffy clicks on a "Target Field Seat View" half way hoping that there will be snow on the diamond (to amuse him with the thought of Punto and J.J. Hardy building a snow infielder to supract opposing batters).

We have also been hard at work in our secret lair creating the newest entry in our epic tale of nerdy awesomeness: A PEANUTS FROM HEAVEN PODCAST.

But this is not just any mere, nerdy people who love baseball podcast, oh no, we don't talk about stats and signals and the season ahead (but to be fair, how often do we ever really talk about those things?). Instead, we here at Peanuts from Heaven have crafted a Podcast in the manner of an old-timey radio show set in the Old West. Who will be the hero of our podcast, you ask? HONUS WAGNER of course. Because nothing says "old-timey western" like a large german baseball player from the early 1900's. Below is the limited edition Episode I photoshop, and here are two ways to access said podcast.

If you just want to listen to it on the interweb you can click here to be diverted to a special webpage.

If you want to DOWNLOAD IT TO YOUR ITUNES (yes, we are officially that nerdy) you can click here and the "subscribe" button in your Itunes will give you regular access to our amuements.

Whichever you prefer we hope you enjoy our podcast.

Sincerely,

Peanuts from Heaven

Special Christmas Post: The Division of Misfit Toys!

Few people know this, but there is a secret society within the American League Central which meets to discuss the difficulties and dangers which Central Division players must confront. Like all secret societies they are cloaked in mystery and draped in ritual. Peanuts from Heaven is proud to lift the veil on this secret society known as: “The Division of Misfit Toys”.



Carlos Quentin: I hereby call this holiday meeting of the Division of Misfit Toys to order!
Tony Sipp (Relief Pitcher, Cleveland Indians): Wow! Thanks so much for inviting me you guys, it means a lot.
Justin Verlander: No sweat uhhh...uhhh...
Sipp: Tony
Verlander: Yeah! Whatever, I mean, you play in Cleveland right, so we had to have someone here from your team...
Sipp: And you guys thought I was good enough to join?
Zach Grienke: Actually, we just thought you could fit this dress we used to give to Cliff Lee.
Sipp: Oh...uh...why do I--?
Quentin: I bet Fausto Carmona would--
Sipp: Gimme a second!
[Jason Kubel enters as the spotted Kubelphant]
Kubel: Hey guys!
All: Hey Kubelphant!
Kubel: Guess what?
All: What?
Kubel: I wrote a song for our secret society.
Quentin, Verlander & Grienke: Oh BOY! Let’s sing it!!
Sipp: Wait a second, this is a secret society where everyone dresses up like a toy from the Rudolph the Reindeer Christmas Special and then sings a satirical song written by one of the members?
Kubel, Quentin, Verlander & Grienke: Well...yeah...
Sipp: This is the best secret society EVER!
Kubel: Key of G?
ALL: Is there any other?

All: We're in the Division of Misfit “Toys”
Here we don't want to stay
We want to earn the faith of fans
By playing the right way!

A pack full of “toys”
Means a sack full of joys
For millions of girls
And for millions of boys
When Opening Day is here
The most wonderful day of the year.

A Zach-in-the-box waits for children to shout
Grienke: "Please! Can you teach others to get an out!"
All: When Opening Day is here
The most wonderful day of the year.

“Toys” galore, scattered on the floor
There's no room for more
In the hearts of fans!

A Yankee for Jimmy
A Dodger for Sue
Multiple players who hit .332
When Opening Day is here
The most wonderful day of the year.

[spoken]
Kubel: But it seems like nobody wants to watch the American League Central, nobody envies us or wants to join our teams.
I mean, how would you like to be a Spotted Kubelphant?
Quentin: Or a White Sock with square wheels instead of legs?
Sipp: Or anyone who plays--in Cleveland?
All: We're all misfits!
Verlander: How would you like to be a pitcher trapped in a plane?
Greinke: Or a Cy Young winner trapped in a box called Kansas City?
Sipp: Or anyone who plays in Cleveland? I mean seriously, it’s bad enough I have to play in Cleveland, but you put me in a dress too? I mean c’mon!!
All: We're all misfits.

--(back to singing)--
If we're in the Division of Unwanted Toys
We'll miss all the fun with the girls and the boys
When Opening Day is here
The most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day of the year!
{Except here!}

You say "celebration", I say "celebARTion"

With much of the baseball world fixated on insane gobs of money beginning to plop down in front of the utterly irrelevant (I don't know if John Lackey ever heard about the "Law of Supply and Demand" before...but it is clear that it's better to be looking for a job in a group of below average pitchers, than a group of above average ones), epic trade deals (Halladay for Lee for top prospects for more top prospects for the Gasden Purchase is almost done now) and on recapping the last decade in baseball (hey look it's our old buddy Sidney Fatso!(n)).

But in all that hubbub, some people might have missed the announcement that the Florida Marlins have found a new niche for their ballpark. Today, its' not enough to have your team hit a homerun, you must celebrate it in the most outlandish ways possible. In Milwaukee kids join a mascot for a skid down a slide, in Kansas City, Detroit and LA, geysers or fireworks erupt, in Philadelphia a red white and blue liberty bell gets a-clangin' and coming soon to our very own Twin Cities two neon behemoths will shake hands.

But none of those things, NONE compare to what the Florida Marlins want to do for their new stadium. No limitations to fireworks or fountains, no gaudy bells or old-time dudes being all friendly like. No, the Marlins need ART. Said Marlin's President David Samson about his team's new celebration: "It's very important to Jeffery [Loria, owner of the Marlins] that our ballpark be a museum of baseball....No one will be able to look at [this] and say, 'is that art or is that baseball?' It's both, it's art in a baseball park."

Click here to see the aforementioned "art". I will wait until you do so...............................

Do you see that art? Do you understand the deep metaphysical meaning? The soul rending suffering that went in to creating three smiley fishes jumping over manic pelicans in a set of devices that closely resembles a high-budget pop-up book? That is the fusion of baseball AND art my friends. Once their stadium is built, attending a ball game in Miami won't just be a "fun, family experience" it will be a culturally edifying adventure into the inner reaches of man's soul so that he can comprehend the intricate dance of life, baseball and cruelty to marine life.

Not to be out done, we here at Peanuts from Heaven will do our best to create our own artistic rendering of the joy that emanates from our soul when we receive comments on our blog. Therefore, whenever we receive comments from five separate individuals on a post we will create an epic testament to the resiliency of the human spirit, the intestinal fortitude of the upper midwest and the awesome power of the peanut, and then share that with the wider blogosphere in honor of your honoring us.

Our artistic genius is churning out new ideas as we speak...bring on the commentary, we beg of you!

Spinning the Wheels

Just like last year, we had high hopes coming into the winter meetings and a harsh reality as we left them. And, just like last year, I'm going to use that inaction as a means to poke a little fun at Bill Smith. Not because he's ineffective, but just because he seems like a helluva nice guy, who might even find this funny. Once again, Merlin the dog files our in-depth report:

MONDAY

10:30 AM--Smith and his team begin their Winter Meetings by seeing the many impressive sites in Indianapolis, Indiana.

10:31 AM--Sightseeing ends.

1:18 PM--Tom Kelly does not get elected to the hall of fame, punkass Whitey Herzog who got beaten by Tom Kelly in the 1987 World Series does. TK shrugs his shoulders, lights a cigar and mutters "who gives a biffle?"

4:49 PM--After realizing that all the other managers in major league baseball are giving press conferences on piddling matters, Smith realizes he accidently brought his garden gnome to Indianapolis, and left Ron Gardenhire frozen on his front lawn pushing a wheelbarrow.

11:59 PM--Smith is woken from a sound sleep by Carl Pavano. Though his speech slurred Pavano is quoted as saying: "ummmawaumma Arbitration...mummawabumma coming back...bawuah PANCAKES MAN! PANCAKES!!"

TUESDAY

7:03 AM--Smith and Pavano finish their 7 hour marathon pancake eat-a-thon, swear to be bestest buds forever, and man hug.

12:22 PM--After going back to get some shut eye, Smith wakes up to the news that Curtis Granderson is about to be traded to the New York Yankees. Is excited that he won't have to see Curtis Granderson so much any more

12:25 PM--Smith realizes that with Granderson about to join the evil empire one of the last few truly cool guys in baseball is about to become an unholy abomination of Yankpire evil

12:39 PM--Smith jams all radio transmissions out of the Tigers hotel room in a vain attempt to stop Granderson from joining the evil minions of George Steinbrenner

7:30 PM--Exhausted from an afternoon of jamming radio transmissions, Smith puts Greta and Bonnie in charge of continuing to thwart the destruction of his idyllic society while he goes to get a bite to eat. Unfortunately an eye-patch wearing Russian operative of the Diamondbacks swings by to shoot Greta and Bonnie thereby letting the trade go through

8:41 PM--Smith realizes that in future he should never put rejects of the Dharma Initiative in charge of anything

Wednesday

6:21 AM--Smith finally goes to sleep after an all-nighter of watching Lost Season 5 on DVD. (It's a winter meeting tradition)

12:49 PM--Smith is still sleeping when a teary Pedro Feliz calls begging for Smith to rescue him from his only other offered contract, from the Houston Astros.

3:08 PM--Smith wakes up, receives Feliz's phone message but knows that the motto of Houston is "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here," and wisely decides not to send out a rescue party.

7:12 PM--Running out of things to do in Indianapolis, Bill Smith visits our very own website and looks for ideas. Remembers that last year he had potential deals for Adrian Beltre, Mark DeRosa, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Garrett Atkins, wonders if these players are still obtainable.

8:31 PM--Many phone calls later, Smith's staff learns that they are, and the staff agrees to discuss the subject over a meal.

8:42 PM--Staff begins a heated debate on the pros and cons of each potential scenario.

THURSDAY

7:15 AM--After an intense night of debate, Smith and his staff come to a conclusion: they will order 20 chocolate chip waffles with 24 sides of bacon, 13 hashbrowns, 7 carafes of coffee, 2 carafes of English Breakfast Tea, and a fruit bowl

9:18 AM--No one eats the fruit bowl

11:40 AM--Staff remembers arise from their food coma they were supposed to pick a third baseman, but now most teams and agents have left Indianapolis.

12:29 PM--Staff checks out of the hotel, but forgets Boof Bonser on the bed.

12:30 PM--Red Sox trick Bonser into following a trail of delicious ham back to Boston, agree to send one ham back to Minnesota in gratitude.