At the end of the week, Smith walked away with a grand total of none of those things.
What went wrong? Investigative Peanuts From Heaven reporter Merlin the Dog, kept tabs on Smith throughout the meetings and has the following account of the GM's actions.
11:30 AM--Yet again, Tony Oliva and Jim Kaat do not get elected to the Hall of Fame. Smith and all Twins executives start to cry a little bit shouting out: "It's NOT FAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRR!!"
3:00 PM--Still on Time out from his 11:30 temper tantrum, Smith misses a phone call from third baseman Alex Rodriguez who tearfully confesses that his quest for worldly wealth has deprived him of love and family, and now that he understands the true meaning of baseball, he wants to be a Twin so bad he'd even tattoo "Mauer is God" on his right butt cheek.
3:07 PM--A frantic call back to Rodriguez reveals that the Twins are this year's victim of a classic A-Rod punking. "Hahahahahahaha, you got your hopes up," laughs Rodriguez, "your pain is funny."
8:48 PM--The Twins officially give up on signing 3rd Baseman Casey Blake, when Blake asks to be starting third baseman at age 40. Believing that Blake is already 45, because he plays that way, Smith passes.
8:49 PM--The Dodgers do not.
2:08 AM--Smith dreams about signing Francisco Rodriguez, and CC Sabitha on the same day
7:10 AM--Waking up and believing his dreams to be real, Smith calls a press conference to announce the good news.
8:15 AM--After watching Sportscenter, and realizing it was all a dream Smith announces to his press conference that the good news is that Lost will be bringing back new episodes in January, and that he's totally pumped to find out what happens to Desmond, Sayid and--"the coolest guy on the planet"--Sawyer.
9:00 AM-11:00 PM--Smith and the rest of the Twins staff buy the LOST season 4 DVD set and watch all episodes from start to finish.
11:28 AM--Smith smooth talks his way into crafting trades for Seattle Third Baseman Adrian Beltre in one deal, Chicago Infielder Mark DeRosa and San Diego Third Baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff in another, and Colorado Third Baseman Garret Atkins and Reliever Houston Street in a third.
12:45 AM--Smith arranges lunch dates with GMs from Seattle, Chicago, San Diego and Colorado.
1:28 PM--Smith suddenly realizes that he's accidently scheduled his lunch dates for the same time and the same restaurant! The studio audience laughs uproariously as the GMs from each of the other teams slap Smith in succession and storm out of the restaurant.
1:30 PM--Smith goes to the bar at the restaurant and where former GM Terry Ryan that hopes he has learned a valuable lesson.
1:09 AM--Having failed to learn any lesson at all, Bill Smith marries Bellagio cocktail waitress Kelli Kalloway at a one hour wedding chapel/photo-mat with two Elvis impersonators as witnesses
12:28 PM--Smith and Kalloway go to city hall to get a quick divorce
2:29 PM--While finishing the divorce paperwork, Smith misses a phone call from reliever Kyle Farnsworth volunteering to pitch for $1 a year, in homage to his hero Lee Iacoca.
2:30 PM--Smith quickly returns Farnsworth's call only to hear that Farnsworth has decided to stop being such a lame-o and take as much money as he can get from anyone stupid enough to give it to him.
2:31 PM--The Royals come in on cue and give Farnsworth the keys to the safe.
11:18 PM--Defeated and dejected, with none of the jilted GMs returning his phone calls, with the only calls from free agents jeering him endlessly and Kelli Kalloway out of his life forever, Bill Smith sits down at the bar to wash away his sorrows.
11:19 PM--Despondent and downtrodden, scared by the big city boos in New York, the foul fermenting cheese steaks in Philadelphia and the toxic air quality in Los Angeles, Nick Punto sits down next to Smith to wash away his sorrows.
11:20 PM--Quoth Smith to Punto: "Vegas Sucks."
11:21 PM--Quoth Punto to Smith: "Yup."
11:22 PM--Quoth Smith to Punto: "Wanna play for us?"
11:23 PM--Quoth Punto to Smith: "Sure thing."
11:24 PM--Punto and Smith share a moment, their eyes meeting over a beer and appletini, the music around them swells and they confront their feelings with complete human honesty, and slowly, ever so slowly, their heads incline towards one another, lips purse, eyes close and...
11:25 PM--The bartender asks if they want anything else. Both men suddenly straighten up and stammer: "uh, no, no, no...we're good....yeah, definitely good." Then stand and walk away.
So something got done, nothing big, nothing mind blowing, nothing that got ESPN all twitterpated. But we got Nicky P. So we're on our way.