12.31.2008

A Very Special Year End Post

‘Twas the night before New Year’s and in all the dome

Just one creature was stirring, but it wasn’t the gnome

Nor Gogo, nor Lexi, nor ol’ Brian Bass

Nor Mauer, nor Justin, nor his award winning ass.

‘Twas Delmon Lou Who, his vision all fuzzy

toddling ‘round in his snug little onesie.


He just couldn’t sleep with the rumors so many

Talk of his failings and Jim Souhan’s envy.

He shuffled from whirlpool to the buffet

But each single step increased his dismay

“I don’t wanna go!” he whined with great fury

But the things that we need have forced me to worry

A third baseman with pop and relievers aplenty

But I may have to leave to get either or ANY!”


“I’m not scrappy like Carlos, or sweet like Cuddy,

I don’t have Span’s arm, or Kubel’s goatee.

Teams want a good hitter, and I could be one

But other teams suck, I wanna have fun!”


“I wanna play somewhere there’s always some action,

Some jokes and some laughs and lots of Supraction!

And you wanna know why? I’ll tell you the reason!

I mastered this art in just one little season!”


“I suprise! I distract! I get the job done!

When you want to win in wildly weird way, why...I’m number one!

So how can I stay here and not have to go?

Won’t someone out there, just let me know?”


So Delmon LouWho sat down in his locker

His head hanging down, and then came the shocker.

“I’ll tell you how,” came a voice from the cool

and out of the shadows stepped Muddy Ruel.


“Who are you?” Asked Delmon in a tone most incredulous

“And why to your words, should I acquiesce?”

“Huh?” stammered Muddy in utter confusion

“stop using big words or you’ll get a contusion.”


“My name’s Muddy Ruel, and I used to play

For this organization back in the day.

We played in D.C., but that doesn’t matter

Senator or Twin, the former’s the latter.


“I’m here to help you remain part of our cast

Because I’ve become The Ghost of Twins’ Past

I’ll explain through a story of one year in our lore

The glorious year Nineteen Twenty-Four.

“I was a catcher, and I did what I could

to help our team win, like any man should.

But the Senators, well, they couldn’t quite hit,

or field, or win...they just played like [Radio Edit]


“But man could they pitch, oh boy what a sight!

They could strike out the side at day or at night.

With Mogridge and Zachary and their truly big gun,

No, not Firpo Mayberry, but Walter Johnson.


“You’ve never seen anyone sling it as fast,

His arm looked just like a fly fishing cast

It swooped and it swiveled, it zigged and it zagged

It quickled and frickled and raggeldyragged


“When Walter pitched for us the team was a force,

But every team needs something extra, of course.

A well timed jolt, to give us some traction,

A little thing we liked to call...............Supraction!”


“When we made the World Series, for the first time in history

Just how we would win, remained a big mystery.

To make matters worse, Walter, he struggled,

he lost both his starts, and our chances were muddled.


“We got to game seven, back in D.C.

But we only had one run, the Giants had three.

Then Walter came in and, with his arm, saved the day

We got the scored tied and went on with play


“Through the ninth and the tenth and eleventh we went

And on to the twelfth, which seemed heaven sent.

They dropped my foul pop, so I ripped a double,

Walter reached on an error and then they had trouble.


“As you can tell, I’m not that athletic.

It’s not my fault, it’s purely genetic.

So to score from second I needed some help

And it came from Earl MacNeely, a rascally whelp.


“He hadn’t played much in the course of the year

The Giants thought they had no cause to fear.

Earl hit a week squib down the third base line

And while Fred Lindstrom closed in, the moment was mine.


“I raced for third and as I sped there

The bouncing ball rose up in the air

So I kicked my leg high and with my big toe

I poked that weak squib off a divot, you know.

“It took a wild hop, and Lindstrom was lost

His error was huge, and oh, what a cost!

If you don’t have the ball, you can’t make a throw

And since there’s no throw, homeward, I’d go.

I dashed ‘cross the plate and thus we had won

for the first time since ever: Washington: #1!!”


“I don’t understand.” Said Del, rather snitty.

“How will this help me stay in the Cities?

Why did you tell me this and take up my time

Worse still, why did you have to do it in rhyme?”


“The point, dear Delmon, is simple my friend.

You’re part of the journey, not just the end.

You’ve got to remember you’re part of a story,

A win for you, brings all of us glory.


“Respect the city, the state and the fans,

Then the cheers will rain down from all over the stands.

Honor your teammates from starters to subs

Help out your pitchers, ya’ understand bub?

And always remember that though you are strong

Some of us were here before you came along.


“Before Opie came Earl, and before Joe there was me

Before Francisco and Blackburn, there was Walter, you see?

Be one of us Delmon, be part of the team

Supract them with rhymes, and your talent will gleam.


With a smile and a wink, Muddy stood up to go

Delmon looked tired, but now he did know

He knew why we all come to watch and be loud. 

He knew how to play and make the team proud

We cheer/play for the Twins not because it’s in fashion,

We cheer/play for the Twins because it’s our passion.


As he walked into shadow, Muddy turned and he said

“It’s been a big day now trot off to bed, 

and what ever you do, don’t ever forget...

SUPRACTION SUCKA!!” *Poof...there he went*

12.24.2008

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Merry Christmas everyone :) I know it's not actually Christmas yet but I've been hanging up garlands and listening to "Baby It's Cold Outside" and Frank Sinatra's Christmas album since mid-November, so you all can just deal with it.

I decided this year to have a Santa Look-Alike Contest inside my head, and although it was a close call between Ron Gardenhire and Paula Deen's husband Michael, Gardy won out in the end...because he's Gardy. Congrats on winning this prestigious award. And on terrifying small children.



So from all (2) of us here at Peanuts from Heaven Inc., a very Merry Christmas to all (5) of our readers! Remember, as my colleague pointed out at Thanksgiving, and as I try to remember all year, the true meaning of Christmas is being thankful for the people you love, and showing them how much you care. I know that sounds cheesy and ridiculous, but it's true. I feel truy blessed to have such amazing friends and family, an awesomely smelly (and just generally awesome) blogger-in-crime, and of course, the Minnesota Twins.

So I ask all of you, go out tonight, play in the snow, sing some carols, eat some pie (please) and above all, give someone (Little Nicky Punto?) a hug and tell them that you love them. Because really, that's what Christmas is all about.

Peace and joy to all of you (even the Yankees and the White Sox...the holiday spirit has overcome me to the point of madness).

Sigh.

I love Christmas.

12.23.2008

Last Minute Presents

If you have not yet completed your holiday shopping and are desperately searching for something, ANYTHING that looks like it might be a passable gift, then stop your browsing now!

In conjunction with Denard's, Peanuts from Heaven is proud to offer great deals on this years must have Twins memorabilia! Just look at these great prices and incredible gifts

REMOTE CONTROL CARLOCIRAPTOMEZ

As he glides smoothly through the Metrodome outfield, preying on lazy fly balls and screaming with an unfathomable (and, often, irrational) energy, Carlos Gomez truly seems to be the contemporary equivalent of a Velociraptor. Now you can see the incredible fusion of these two remarkable beasts in the must have toy of this holiday season! With Carlos' head fused on to a Velociraptor body you'll see life like motion and authentic, primal screams from the man himself. For just $49.99 you too can experience the "oh-my-god, this-could-either-be-horrible-or-awesome" terror that only Carlos Gomez and Velociraptors can elicit with the Remote Control Carlociraptomez!

*Please note that the remote control does not actually control the Carlociraptomez at all. If it did, don't you think Gardy would use it in place of the real Gomez?

THE METROGNOME

If you love beauty, music and/or Ron Gardenhire you'll love this practical item. (And if you don't love any of those things, I'm sad for you.) Free from the garden, Gardy the Garden Gnome has gone metro and has produced a miniature action figure who will be happy to explain the value of eyebrow waxing and pocket handkerchiefs to every man who is otherwise hopeless. Additionally, if you attach him to the official Metrognome Metronome, he'll make sure that you keep up the tempo as you rehearse your recital music! Order the Metrognome doll for just $17.99 or add the Metrognome Metronome for only $8 more!

CUDDYER AND YOUNG'S JUNIOR SUPRACTION KIT
This deceptive deck of cards ($4.99) may seem like just another deck of cards, but with the help of Cuddyer and Young it's so much more! Kids will learn how to supract others just like the pros do. Fan out the cards and ask someone else to pick one, memorize it and return it to the deck. Then throw the cards in their face and shout out "SUPRACTION SUCKA!!" Then run like the wind.* With this and dozens of other Supractalicious antics, your children will become Twins material in no time!

*Warning, not to be attempted on anyone who can out run you.

All of these high quality products are available only at Denard's! Located at the intersection of Highway 7 and the Orion Nebula, across from the Piggily Wiggily. Hurry down and have a happy holiday!!

12.20.2008

Further Proof

Kristina's ground breaking report about the Yankees as vampires is shocking to say the least. But it begs the question, have the Yankees always been vampires?

Probably not all of them. Plenty of guys go to the Yankees, do poor to okay and then leave because they aren't judged to be "Yankee Material". (Looking at you Doug Mientkwitcz) This might hurt their feelings, but ultimately, they are saved from the gruesome fate of vampire life. Those who come up through the system and excel, or those who are stolen away from other teams and excel, they are the true Yankee vampires--or Yankpires, if you will. 

I mean, Dave Winfield is definitely not Yankpire. He was never the king of New York, and ended up playing his best ball in San Diego and Toronto--that doesn't meet our standards. And while Lou Gherig was totally awesome, he also died of a debilitating disease so rare it was named for him, that's hardly the stuff of Yankpire immortality (it is the stuff debilitating disease immortality).

Heck, think back to the very first Yankees, the original 1903-08 Yankees. Go ahead I'll wait...can you picture them?...No? Of course not, because the Yankees used to stink. Really stink. Stink so bad they went twenty plus years without a title. Stink so bad that even we peanuts have an issue with them. That all changed when this man--seen here in a rare candid home photo--came into their midst.
OF COURSE!! Babe Ruth hit the ball harder and farther than any man before him! He was both a great pitcher and a great hitter. He played his best baseball on a diet of soda pop and hot dogs. NO ONE OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT (Unless they garnish the hot dogs with the blood of virgins.) He began the Yankee Dynasty, and begat the legions of Yankpires to come.

The Sultan of Swat.
The Collosus of Clout.
The Vice-Admiral of Vampires.

Babe Ruth. Yankee. Vampire. Progenitor of both a dynasty, and a demonic underbelly in baseball.

Just one more reason, to hate the Yankees.

12.16.2008

Food for thought (haha...no pun intended)

So I read that book "Twilight" a couple of weeks ago.
It wasn't exactly fantastic literature, but it was sort of addicting and it also made me think...specifically, it made me think about the New York Yankees.

I refer you to the scene where the vampire family is playing baseball. Just to inform everyone who hasn't wasted several hours of their life reading this book, vampires apparently love baseball. A LOT. Mainly because they totally rock at it. With their super-human abilities, they can hit the ball really hard, really fast, and really, really far.


This is what led me to the conclusion that the New York Yankees are, in fact vampires.



So go ahead, free agents. Join the evil leagues of the undead. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

12.14.2008

If we don't study history, we are doomed to repeat it

Well, Chicago, you forgot. Good job. As I'm sure you are aware, Illinois governer Rod Blagojevich is being generally ridiculed and possibly asked to resign because he tried to sell Barack Obama's soon-to-be-vacant senate seat. This added to the audacity of having the last name "Blagojevich", which is impossible to spell and sounds like a frog with leprosy, was just too much for the Prairie state to handle.

All I can say is, the (questionably) good citizens of the city of Chicago should have seen this coming a long time ago. This isn't the first time someone in Illinois has been tempted by the golden idol (aka money). Need I remind you that the GREATEST SCAM of ALL TIME, the one that nearly ruined America, the world, and possibly even the galaxy forever, was perpetrated by none other than the Chicago White Sox? Yes friends. I refer you to the 1919 World Series, aka the Black Sox Scandal.

Much as Blagoaisndflaksdhgch was thinking when he said "Gee, I could use some extra cash. Maybe I should do something highly illegal and sell a senate seat to the highest bidder," so were Sleepy Bill Burns and Billy Mahrag thinking when they said "Gee we could use some extra cash because our owner is a cheap asshole. Maybe we should do something illegal and throw the series so we can get paid off by gamblers!" Smart idea...not.

So congratulations, Rod Backenfusswitch. You have now joined the illustrious ranks of the worst people of all time - the 1919 Chicago White/Black Sox. Let this be a lesson to all Chicago-ans (Chiago-ites? Chicago-ese?) - karma is a bitch.



In a related story, C.C. Sabathia's contract with Satan in which he signed over three years of his life, his soul, and his firstborn child into slavery, is worth approximately 3 times as much as the Twins entire salary budget. So congratulations also to the Minnesota Twins, paragons of decency and honor, who when saddled with low salaries, just continue to play awesome baseball. Cheers :)

12.12.2008

Told you so

At the beginning of this week we suggested that Twins' GM Bill Smith had a lot to get done. He only needed a power-hitting, right-handed third-basemen, two or three middle relievers, a non-craptastic substitute at third base and a cure for cancer, for less than 38 cents. 
At the end of the week, Smith walked away with a grand total of none of those things.

What went wrong? Investigative Peanuts From Heaven reporter Merlin the Dog, kept tabs on Smith throughout the meetings and has the following account of the GM's actions.

MONDAY
11:30 AM--Yet again, Tony Oliva and Jim Kaat do not get elected to the Hall of Fame. Smith and all Twins executives start to cry a little bit shouting out: "It's NOT FAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRR!!"

3:00 PM--Still on Time out from his 11:30 temper tantrum, Smith misses a phone call from third baseman Alex Rodriguez who tearfully confesses that his quest for worldly wealth has deprived him of love and family, and now that he understands the true meaning of baseball, he wants to be a Twin so bad he'd even tattoo "Mauer is God" on his right butt cheek.

3:07 PM--A frantic call back to Rodriguez reveals that the Twins are this year's victim of a classic A-Rod punking. "Hahahahahahaha, you got your hopes up," laughs Rodriguez, "your pain is funny."

8:48 PM--The Twins officially give up on signing 3rd Baseman Casey Blake, when Blake asks to be starting third baseman at age 40. Believing that Blake is already 45, because he plays that way, Smith passes.

8:49 PM--The Dodgers do not.

TUESDAY
2:08 AM--Smith dreams about signing Francisco Rodriguez, and CC Sabitha on the same day

7:10 AM--Waking up and believing his dreams to be real, Smith calls a press conference to announce the good news.

8:15 AM--After watching Sportscenter, and realizing it was all a dream Smith announces to his press conference that the good news is that Lost will be bringing back new episodes in January, and that he's totally pumped to find out what happens to Desmond, Sayid and--"the coolest guy on the planet"--Sawyer.

9:00 AM-11:00 PM--Smith and the rest of the Twins staff buy the LOST season 4 DVD set and watch all episodes from start to finish.

WEDNESDAY
11:28 AM--Smith smooth talks his way into crafting trades for Seattle Third Baseman Adrian Beltre in one deal, Chicago Infielder Mark DeRosa and San Diego Third Baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff in another, and Colorado Third Baseman Garret Atkins and Reliever Houston Street in a third.

12:45 AM--Smith arranges lunch dates with GMs from Seattle, Chicago, San Diego and Colorado.

1:28 PM--Smith suddenly realizes that he's accidently scheduled his lunch dates for the same time and the same restaurant! The studio audience laughs uproariously as the GMs from each of the other teams slap Smith in succession and storm out of the restaurant.

1:30 PM--Smith goes to the bar at the restaurant and where former GM Terry Ryan that hopes he has learned a valuable lesson.

THURSDAY
1:09 AM--Having failed to learn any lesson at all, Bill Smith marries Bellagio cocktail waitress Kelli Kalloway at a one hour wedding chapel/photo-mat with two Elvis impersonators as witnesses

12:28 PM--Smith and Kalloway go to city hall to get a quick divorce

2:29 PM--While finishing the divorce paperwork, Smith misses a phone call from reliever Kyle Farnsworth volunteering to pitch for $1 a year, in homage to his hero Lee Iacoca. 

2:30 PM--Smith quickly returns Farnsworth's call only to hear that Farnsworth has decided to stop being such a lame-o and take as much money as he can get from anyone stupid enough to give it to him.

2:31 PM--The Royals come in on cue and give Farnsworth the keys to the safe. 

11:18 PM--Defeated and dejected, with none of the jilted GMs returning his phone calls, with the only calls from free agents jeering him endlessly and Kelli Kalloway out of his life forever, Bill Smith sits down at the bar to wash away his sorrows.

11:19 PM--Despondent and downtrodden, scared by the big city boos in New York, the foul fermenting cheese steaks in Philadelphia and the toxic air quality in Los Angeles, Nick Punto sits down next to Smith to wash away his sorrows.

11:20 PM--Quoth Smith to Punto: "Vegas Sucks."

11:21 PM--Quoth Punto to Smith: "Yup."

11:22 PM--Quoth Smith to Punto: "Wanna play for us?"

11:23 PM--Quoth Punto to Smith: "Sure thing."

11:24 PM--Punto and Smith share a moment, their eyes meeting over a beer and appletini, the music around them swells and they confront their feelings with complete human honesty, and slowly, ever so slowly, their heads incline towards one another, lips purse, eyes close and...

11:25 PM--The bartender asks if they want anything else. Both men suddenly straighten up and stammer: "uh, no, no, no...we're good....yeah, definitely good." Then stand and walk away.

So something got done, nothing big, nothing mind blowing, nothing that got ESPN all twitterpated. But we got Nicky P. So we're on our way.

12.07.2008

What happens in Vegas...

...will probably have no effect on the the Twins.

It's time for the annual General Manager meetings, a time for big time baseball business men to get together and talk about the simple joys of spending their lives working in a children's game.

Twins General Manager Bill Smith will be on his way to Vegas today so that he can participate in the meetings, and, according to most sources he has a rather extensive shopping list to keep the Twins in contention. All he really needs to do is get a right-handed power-hitting third basemen, two or three middle relievers, a non-craptastic first base substitute and a cure for cancer and come in under the Twins budget of 38 cents. So, 
you know, no sweat.

We here at Peanuts from Heaven are happy to
 know that Mr. Smith will be doing his best, but we're even happier to give him some suggestions to help him do his best. Bear in mind, of course, that we are fans, and not as smart as he is, so rather than suggesting any particular individuals we'll be giving general advice.
  1. Learn from the past: The past two years we have signed such unstoppable forces as Ramon Ortiz, Jeff Cirillo, and Mike "Grizzled ol' Prospector" Lamb. These men have several things in common. They are old and have a proven track record for consistently average performance. Unfortunately, when you combine consistently mediocre with old, you usually end up with: Not Very Good. Eventually, you have to drop them off in a farm upstate where there's room to run and play with the other veterans, and a whiskey spring to bathe in.
  2. Focus on the present: Shhh...I'm about to say a dirty word...recession. [Pause] The distant scream you hear is super agent Scott Boras screaming in agony at his lost millions in commissions. Nobody has money to spend nowadays, so with everybody cutting back, what we usually spend should seem like a king's ransom. We need to focus on the present, and rather than acting like wallflowers, we need to be confident, smooth, totally badass. We are good, we are offering what most teams can offer, all you players would be lucky to get with us. C'mon Bill Smith, be the Pick-Up Artist.
  3. Don't destroy the future: Few things are worse than ransoming the future to survive the present. So let's not get hasty in our trades. There are demands I've seen that getting any solid third baseman will require giving up one starting pitcher and one of our outfielders. Give up Denard and Slowey for Colorado's Garret Atkins? FAIL. Give up Gogo and Perkins for Atlanta's Yunel Escobar? Give up Delmon and Cakeburn for strikeout machine Adrian Beltre? Why would we give up our greatest resource for comedy for a Scott Boras client who will grumble through a year before begging for umpteenbillion dollars? Why on earth should we make this man, this happy?
Hopefully that's a simpler shopping list Mr. Smith. Do those three things and we're happy. We'd be happy with some sort of deal that leads to us getting Alex Rodriguez for a pile of magic beans...but we'll make do with what we have (we always do).

12.04.2008

My Name is "Scruffy Rube"...

...and I'm a Twins-a-holic.

The gradual decline of posts on this website is not a sign of laziness, apathy or disinterest. The fact of the matter is, both my colleague and I are under graduate school pressure. And while we would like to simply put "see heavenlypeanuts.blogspot.com" in place of all application essays, we realize that's impractical.

But just because we have prioritized and placed writing this blog below studying for graduate school does not mean we anything has supplanted the Twins as the coolest, most totally awesome thing in the world.

Witness the sentences I wrote to help memorize vocabulary for the GRE:
  • "Among Mr. Morneau's accolades are an MVP award and two of K's 'Best Ass' trophies."
  • "Denard Span's burgeoning talent ameliorated the Twins' outfield situation."
  • "The Yankees/Red Sox hegemony in the American League is boooooooooooring."
  • "My idolatrous affection for the Twins may violate the first commandment."
  • "Gardy's irascible tendencies made him a danger to umpires everywhere."
  • "Whenever Mike Lamb starts at first base the Twins infield reaches its nadir."
  • "Delmon Young's use of supraction obfuscated the game, and enabled another victory."
  • "'Isn't it obvious,' Carl Pohlad shouted, 'I'm a parsimonious A$$#@*#!'"
  • "Dread Pirate Nathan and his parrot pirate LOST for the Bangkok DVD market."
  • "Faced with the Twins pluck, the Yankees quailed and quit."
  • "The search for sanity in Carlos Gomez's mind is quixotic, to say the least."
  • "Dread Pirate Nathan is a scurvy scallywag, and my hero."
  • "Supraction stupefies all the Twins enemies."
  • "The Twins surfeit of comical characters will always give me something to write about."
  • "Our pesky piranhas are Ozzie Guillen's greatest vexation."
  • "I am such a zealot that I would tatoo Alexi Casilla's face on top of my own, if I had the money."
And the one that proves my dorkiness more than any other:
  • "Gardy the Garden Gnome's trenchant managerial acumen obviated late inning crises."
Maybe it's wrong that I incorporate my love into my life so often...but at the risk of being cliche or even hackneyed: "how can something wrong feel so right."

11.27.2008

I'm Thankful For...

...a manager with rosy cheeks, and an obdurate manner.

...a catcher with sideburns every man should envy.

...a first baseman who single handedly keeps Canada safe from pitchers.

...an infield that can't hit but seems to float like the Bolshoi to any ball hit their way.
...a left fielder (and returning right fielder) who are masters of the subtle art of Supraction.

...a center fielder whose silliness makes me seem like a stoic.

...a rookie right fielder who will be the official supplier of low cost home repair supplies when we have taken over the world.

...a pitching rotation that wishes they could ride to the mound in Tonka trucks.

...a big game pitcher who entraps his foes with cake...delicious, delicious cake.

...a bullpen that is locked in a tower until it solves it's own stinking mess.
...a closer/pirate who plunders opposing teams better than anyone else.

AND MOST OF ALL

...a blog where I can be thankful all year long, and another anthropomorphic peanut/partner-in-crime who's as thankful and silly as me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

11.25.2008

Long Time Coming...

Sorry everyone. I know I've been a slacking blogger...the combination of work, classes, choir and grad school applications has had a disastrous effect on my ability to goof off :( Nevertheless I though I should provide full if belated coverage on our very own, totally awesome Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's Silver Sluggers. Justin was initially confused and thought they said "Silver Slug"...that got kind of gross.




The following are endorsements of M&M from their adoring fans:

Gardy (manager, garden gnome): "Mauer and Morneau are so awesome it's ridiculous. They make me want to do a happy dance and throw my hat in a good way...not in the angry way I did this summer. With Mauer and Morneau we can all throw our hats in joy! And then we can all win manager of the year. Or not."

Joe Nathan (Teammate, pirate): "A;BLKAJEPROW!!!!!!!! JOE NATHAN BALLLLLLLGHHHHHH!!!!...arr."

Michael Cuddyer (Teammate, care-bear): "Aww man...Joe and Justin warm the cockles of my heart. They make me want to hug puppies and save the world by radiating love and cuteness. Oh wait I do that anyways."

The New York Yankees (Satan): "Yeah it's too bad that pipe bomb we planted in their hotel room never went off..."

Johan Santanta (former teammate, rockstar): "They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Mmmm...melty"


ew.


So, there you have it friends. A fair, impartial and completely true evaluation of our brilliant friends.
















11.21.2008

Making it through Winter

Two weeks into the offseason we're going through some serious withdrawal. A golden glove, a couple silver sluggers, and plenty of runner up finishes were all that the Awards season had to offer. And while the Dodgers offer of 30 kabillion dollars to Manny Ramirez was trumped by the Yankees offer of Mars to C.C. Sabathia; the Twins attempts to sign Casey Blake for three magic beans has not garnered much attention. All in all, not the most promising beginning.

While we wait out this weary winter, we here at Peanuts From Heaven Inc. are proud to introduce our new feature. Without games to watch, we'll satisfy our hunger for baseball with Ken Burns' Baseball, an 18-hour documentary chronicling the history of the game from 1880-1990. And as we watch we'll post the occasional comment about things we would love to see make a comeback, and players we would kind of like to see take the field at the Metrodome.

Starting with things we wish would make a comeback from the 19-Aughts including:
Old fashioned posters
The words: "Cranklette" and "Bug"
Singing the first verse of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in addition to the refrain.

And, for the Minnesota Twins, we want Honus
 Wagner. We want the barrel-chested, base-stealing, bowlegged, bad-ass beast of a German. This is our kind of guy, and as such we would like to imagine the following situation in which the Tigers confront their new worst nightmare.

Curtis Granderson [At first base after a walk from Boof Bonser]: I am so fast! I am so fast! FASTYFASTYFAST!! I am so Fast!!
MORNEAU: Yeah Curtis, we know. But, you might not want to sing any more: our new shortstop doesn't much like it when people brag.
GRANDERSON: Psssh! Hey! Wagner!
WAGNER: Yeah
GRANDERSON: "I'm gonna steal second base
right in your stupid face!"
WAGNER: Bring it on.
GRANDERSON: "Oh, I'll bring it, real-ly good
just like Thanks-giving food."
WAGNER: That wasn't really a rhyme.
GRANDERSON: "I don't have to always rhyme,
free-verse poetry is no crime,
Becaaaaaaaause, I'm betterrrrrrr than yoo-hoooooooo!"

[Granderson takes off on the next pitch to steal second, and after receiving the throw from Mauer, Wagner tags out Granderson by punching him in the face with his glove, knocking Granderson out cold]
WAGNER [Walking away from Granderson's prone body]: Damn. Gotta dig another grave. [Sigh] It's hard to be a badass...

So Honus, if your reading this in some kind of alternate reality where you have stayed eternally young, please consider switching realities. We will pay you in hot dish. You're German, you should like that. 

11.13.2008

Mr. Runner Up

As cool as it is that Joe Mauer has won a gold glove, and as awesome as it is that we, your noble authors, have been acknowledged as the 9th Best Blog for Photoshopped Pictures of the Minnesota Twins, we feel a little bad for the magical garden gnome who inhabits our dugout.

 Yesterday, Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon was named American League Manager of the year, and, yes, he deserved it, but even if he did we don't really enjoy seeing Gardy look like this year after year:

You see, every year, the Twins are pretty damn awesome, but before the next season begins we are told that we have no chance to perform well again. Then, we do. Throughout this remarkable run the roster has had a rotating cast, the pitchers have come and gone and free agents are fleeting. But we always have Gardy. 

So it kind of stinks that in the 7 years he has been our manager, he has never been named manager of the year. He has finished in second place, four times now. Every other AL Central manager has beaten him to the hardware while he beats them on the field. 

As he endures another winter without a shiny new accolade, we send Gardy our support--and the title of Official Peanuts From Heaven Garden Gnome! Congratulations Gardy...we will always love you.

Oh Noez!


JOSE MIJARES: (wakes up slowly, rubbing head) Ow...man where am I?

(looks around and sees the sleeping bodies of his fellow relief pitchers lying on a cold stone floor)

AHHH!!!! No good! Hey guys...guys wake up!!!!

DENNYS REYES: NOOOO JAFAR DON'T TAKE MY CHEESY FRIES!!!! (looks around confused) Huh? Jose? Where are we....?

MIJARES: I don't know...it seems like we're locked in some sort of stone enclosure. With a window.

REYES: (stumbles to window) OMG! We're locked in a tower!!!

MIJARES: Like Rapunzel?

REYES: Um...kind of....except...not.

CRAIG BRESLOW: (slowly waking up) Hey guys...I had a dream we were kidnapped by men in tights and locked in a tower.

MIJARES: We are locked in a tower. Like Rapunzel.

BRESLOW: This is NOT GOOD. How are we supposed to pitch to victory in 2009 when we're locked in a tower? How are we supposed to make sure our awesome starters will get the wins they deserve? BAD BAD BAD!!! (runs at window preparing to leap out)

REYES: (blocks breslow with his well-fed body) No Craig don't! There's got to be another way...there must be someone who can save us....


(as he says this, the valiant knight Sir Justin Morneau rides by on his mighty steed)


MIJARES: Sir Justin! Sir Justin please help!

HOTTIE MCHOT: I'm sorry guys...I can't save you. Only one man can.

ALL: Who???

SEXYPANTS: Sideshow Pat, the greatest knight in all the land. He will decimate your captors with his crazy sidearm.

ALL: Oh ok.

MIJARES: Have a nice day!

(Sir Justin rides off)


(The 'pen sits around twiddling its thumbs for some time)


(Until...)


(Up rides valiant knight Sir Denard Span!!!)


BRESLOW: Sir Denard! Have you seen Sideshow Pat?

SPAN: Oh um....about that....yeah.... he's not coming.

ALL: WHAT?????

SPAN: Yeah....on his way here he was spotted by some carnies. They were so amused by his crazy underhand style and body-flinging antics that they hauled him into their caravan and took him away.

ALL: OH NOEZ!!!

SPAN: Welp...sorry there's nothing I can do. You kids will have to find your own way out of this one.



.....what will they do???? Stay tuned for spring training to find out....

11.09.2008

Uh-O

A week ago we came together as a nation to elect Barak Hussein Obama to be the 44th President of the United States of America.

It was a transformative moment for our nation, overcoming centuries of oppression and small mindedness. 

And then...I found out the truth.

President-Elect Obama...is a Chicago White Sox fan.

A Chicago White Sox fan who delivered a speech lauding the Sox after they won the World Series.

A Chicago White Sox fan who hates the Cubbies fair weather faithful, and prefaces any placating of swing state voters by saying: "I am a White Sox fan"

A Chicago White Sox fan who now controls the nuclear missile codes and could give out tax breaks to anyone who sings a contract to play for the pale hosers.

Twins Territory is in jeopardy my friends. Our values of silliness and hit-and-run baseball are under assault from the austere and home-run obsessed White Sox World we now live in.

What will come next? Will we be shipped off to Guantanamo and "re-educated"? Will the nefarious Dr. Cakeburn be brought up on charges of high treason? Will there be a ban placed on all garden gnomes and a classification of Supraction as terrorist activity?

Ultimately this forces us to ask the question. Which loyalty leads the way: are you an American first or a Twins Fan first? Do you owe more to Twins Territory, or to the U. S. of A?

So I pose it to you, our MILLIONS* of fans and fellow Twins Territorians, what do we do? Post your suggestion as a comment on this blog, whether its secession from the union or outright war, let's hear it.

The best suggestions will win a limited edition Peanuts From Heaven Christmas Surprise, and lifetime membership in the Peanuts from Heaven Infinity Club. Raise your voice, and raise your status.

*approximation based on what I wish was true

11.07.2008

Congrats!!!

The power of the sideburns finally pulls through - Joe Mauer wins his first Gold Glove!


11.05.2008

PROOF WE RULE!

We here at Peanuts From Heaven are proud to announce that we have won the following awards from the National Organization To Reward Electronic Arts & Language.

Honorable Mention for Gratuitous Objectification of a Man's Buttocks (you're welcome Justin)

81st Most Incessant Giggling While Writing Posts That Only Amuse the Blog's Writers

43rd Best Use of A Random Point System (see the Enemies posts...you'll understand)

26th Highest Likelihood of a Libel Lawsuit for Gross Mischaracterization of an Individual

23rd Best New Superhero (CAKEBURN! He foils his enemies using cake and trails of skittles...I dare you to come up with a tastier way to be foiled)

18th Most (Impressive) use of Parentheses

9th Best use of Photoshop (see Beatles, Lord of the Rings, John Adams, etc.)

3rd Best Neologism of the Year. (Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you: SUPRACTION!)

2nd Best Blog Written by Peanuts (I'd like to know who won that category....I mean, peanuts with opposable thumbs are a rare breed)

and...most importantly...

THE BEST BLOG EVER WRITTEN BY THE TWO PEOPLE WHO WRITE IT

We'd like to thank all those who read our blog (by which we mean ourselves) and all those who will read it now that we have won awards from the National Organization To Reward Electronic Arts & Language.

10.31.2008


...but how could you forget?


Halloween

With less than 12 hours before the majority of us will don wild regalia and howl into the abyss of All Hallow's Eve, I'm sure that many of you are saying: "hey! writer for a blog that I randomly found while looking up peanut brittle recipes! I'm a Minnesota Twins fan who would like to show their passion for the team in my Halloween costume, can you help me?"

The short answer is: yes. The long answer is: I will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to keep you reading this blog. Costume ideas: sure. Field dress a moose: you betcha. Wet t-shirt contest: WHATEVER YOU WANT.

For now, try one of these Costumes from the Peanuts From Heaven Inc. wardrobe line

1) Cuddyer and Young Masters of Supraction
You too can be a master of Supraction (TM) just by dressing like the magical masters of Twins Baseball. 
Requirements: open shirts, and a willingness to show your chest.

2) Dread Pirate Nathan
The scurviest scallywag who ever sailed the seven seas and slung sliders of some splates! Requirements: A basic pirate costume, applique goatee and an ability to "Yarrrrrrrr"

3) Sgt. Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band
The best pundits in the business who also happen to be musically avant garde and willing to risk their health for the sake of experimentation.
Requirements: Neon military regalia, three friends (and if you're reading this, I'm not sure which one you're less likely to have)

4) The Nefarious Dr. Cakeburn
By day you can be as mild mannered as a rookie pitcher afraid of offending others. By night, burn with the heat of an oven preset to 350 degrees, and foil all the enemies of Twindom through the deliciousness of cake
Requirements: Cake, flames jutting around behind you, some kind of nuclear cake baking accident.

Just try one of these Peanuts from Heaven approved costumes, and you too will be as cool as me....wait...I mean cooler! MUCH MUCH COOLER!! 

10.30.2008

Ladies and Gentlemen...

The Philadelphia Phillies are world champions.

If you are not exactly thrilled by that information, that's okay, you are on a blog written for fans of the Minnesota Twins. But as my able co-blogger wrote yesterday, this was a good series. The games were close, four were decided by a single run, most in the last three innings. The match-ups and strategies were intriguing to study, and the team that played the better baseball won.

{I do think the Rays were the better team throughout the course of the season. But you can't say you're playing "World Championship Calibre" baseball when the two guys who are normally your best hitters wave around ass bats in the air, like they just don't care}

I'll give credit where it's due. The Phillies play hard nosed baseball, which is appropriate for a hard nosed city like Philly. They've got a good double play team in Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley (whose play to get ex-Piranha Jason Bartlett at the plate was crazy crafty and deserves mad props). They've got a gritty bullpen that comes through in the clutch {hint, hint Twins}. And they probably spit a lot...which is always good.

So congratulations Philadelphia, tough luck Tampa Bay, and only 104 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training!

10.29.2008

A pause to reflect/rant

As we sit in suspense, waiting for the weather to improve and for baseball to resume, I have noticed something - people are angry. Not just about the collapsing housing market, the collapsing credit market, their collapsing love lives, or any number of other things - people are pissed as hell about the World Series.

Why?

I'm not exactly sure.

Here are the reasons most commonly named as being "why I am f&*%$g pissed at the World Series": a) suspended game 5, and b) it's boring.

With regards to a) ... It's the freaking weather. Bud Selig cannot control the weather. Not even A-Rod can control the weather, although he should be able to for as much as they pay him. My dad actually happens to be in Philly right now, and he says yes, it actually is that bad. Freezing cold, rain, 30-40mph winds...who wants to play baseball in that shit?!? The weather suspended game is unfortunate but it would have been just cruel to make them continue if it was that bad. GET OVER IT.

With regards to b) HOW??? How is it boring? I actually heard one asshole MN radio deejay refer to this as "the most forgettable world series in history." He obviously thought he was hilarious...ha freaking ha. Have our attention spans really gotten so short that if neither of the teams in the series start with a 'Y' and end in 'ankees' or have a 'Sox' in their name, we don't care anymore? What about watching the game? What about AWESOME BASEBALL. FOR THE LOVE AMERICA, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????

This series has been pretty awesome if you ask me - tight games, suspense, good playing... i mean really. Pay attention to the damn game. No, there's no Derek Jeter. No, there's no Manny with his wacky antics. But there shouldn't need to be. It seems we have forgotten what the game is about. ...and that makes me sad.

:(

I mean...the Tampa Bay Rays are in the World Series! Who would have thought?? Isn't that pretty cool in itself??

UNRELATED NOTE:
I drove through Philly on Friday on my way to a wedding in the Poconos. It was actually sort of a side trip, because my boyfriend really, really wanted a cheese steak (which I've gotta admit was pretty tasty). Anyways, we drove by the new Phillies stadium (sans Phillies)...it's sweet. Add that to my list of places to visit.

So there it is. I'm looking forward to hopefully a game tonight...or you know, possibly tomorrow...or the day after...or whenever Mother Nature decides to stop shitting all over Philadelphia.

10.26.2008

Enough of this...

In a startling and beautiful moment of clarity, I have made a command decision.

I am better at analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. My parents are better at analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. My dog is better than analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver (and, as he's been dead for two years, that's quite an accomplishment).

In this spirit I'm proud to bring you the analyses of myself, Mr. No Ass, and the Knitting Queen.

*Pregame*
SR: "Following after Tim McCarver's analysis, that the key to victory for the Phillies, is to keep winning games, I would suggest that the key to victory for the Rays is to stop losing."

*1st Inning*
NA: "C'mon! Longoria tagged Rollins out!!"
KQ: "Yeah, I can tell by that picture of the glove half-way up his butt!"
SR: "Fox has to make sure they've got something sexual on at least once an hour."
KQ: "Are they sure they can't get any closer than this?"
NA: "Then we'd be looking at his colon."

*2nd Inning*
NA: "America's other favorite past time?"
SR: "American Idol."
NA: "Pbbbbbbt!"

*3rd Inning*
NA: "Hey, Rays, any time you want to take some pitches, that would be good."
KQ: "It must be a strategy."
NA: "Not a very good one.
KQ: "Just wait, maybe it will be a good strategy..."
NA: "Isn't part of a good strategy, changing it when it doesn't work?"
KQ: "Oh. Yeah."

*4th Inning*
[Crawford connects]
NA: That's gone.
SR: That's gone.
Joe Buck: It's gone.
KQ: What just happened?
...later...
SR: The Rays are just going to keep pitching Howard away, until he proves he can hit it to left
[Howard hits a massive three run home run to left]
NA: He just proved it.

*5th Inning*
Shane Victorino on mic: "I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it!"
KQ: "NO YOU DON'T!"
[Victorino catches it]
KQ: "shoot."

*6th Inning*
SR: "I might complain about his strike zone, but this umpire's strike out call..."
NA: "Yeah, it's emphatic."
SR: "I'm a little afraid he may knock out a left handed hitter with that uppercut."

*7th Inning*
[After two pitching switches]
SR: "The line-up for the Rays goes lefty, righty, lefty, lefty...would you leave the left handed reliever in to face all four?"
NA: "hunh?"
SR: "Did you fall asleep?"
NA: "..."
SR: "Dad?"
NA: "li'l bi-" [Pause...Snore]

*8th Inning*
Joe Buck: "You could make the argument that Pena's foot is about to come off the bag when they double Feliz off of first."
KQ: "Yes you could...if you were stupid!!"

*9th Inning*
[After a minor throwing error]
KQ: "That's the start of a comeback!"
[Two outs later]
KQ: "I guess not"

*Key Insights of the Game*
SR: The Rays need to be patient.
KQ: You can't win if you don't hit.
NA: [Snore]