Peanuts 101


If you're new to the site, and if you want to learn more about us, what we do, and WHY we do what we do, you're in the right place

First the most common questions we answer on a daily basis


Q: "Why are you bowling pins?"
A: We are not bowling pins. We are peanuts.
Q: "Even more importantly, why do you have tails?"
A: Because we are evil. Or plotting to take over the world. Possibly both.
Q: "And why from heaven?"
Stop asking silly questions.
Q: "Why are you Twins fans? Do you just like pain?"
A: We believe in miracles. We also believe that awesome baseball trumps just spending money on guys who can hit the ball really hard and really far. Also Gardy is the coolest person ever born and it's criminal that he hasn't won manager of the year for the work he's done with the Twins. It's amazing how much they still win with young players and a meager budget, and we here at PfH are confident that one of these years, they will win just a little bit more than everyone else. And even if they don't, we still love them.
Q: "How are you so totally awesome?"
A: Years of practice.

Now, let's introduce you to our cast of characters

Players
CatchersJoe Mauer--our be-sideburned omnipotent overlord, he can be at once imposing and the nicest man in the world--he also raps for fun.

First BaseJustin Morneau--an imposing Canadian that Stinky finds "dreamy"(particularly the backside of said first baseman), as such he has been proclaimed "the cute one" in our ongoing series of Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band (a roundtable discussion of the issues of the day, in silly clothes).
Second Base: After several years of fighting for scrappy singles, minutes of playing time and cheese curds on the post-game buffet, Alexi Casilla was given a starting job last year, lost it, got it back, got hurt, won the job again and now got moved to a different position. Alexi Casilla infield nomad!
Shortstop: Currently the position belongs to professional badass Jamey Carroll a man who once shot a man in Reno just for doing a poor rendition of Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues"(from which the line originates), but given that the Twins go through short stops like Spinal Tap goes through drummers that may change.
Third Base: Danny Valencia burst onto the scene in 2010 and has filled us all with unreasonable expectations for his future. However, since he also looks young enough to deliver our newspapers in the morning, we won't say that and make him mad. 
Outfield: After years of Magical outfield play  from the MASTERS OF SUPRACTION (see definition of supraction below) Michael Cuddyer and Delmon Young, the Twins are starting over this year with a bundle of newbies, including Trevor Plouffe and Josh Willingham. But while Plouffe provides youth and Willingham provides power, we still have Denard Span--a man best known in the area for saving big money--to provide a veteran presence.
Designated Hitter: This year Mr. Morneau will see some time here alongside Ryan Doumit who helps combine our love for the Pirates and the Twins into one beareded package.
Bench: There's the non-Joe Mauer Catcher seat (filled with Ryan Doumit, again)) and then there's the extra outfielder section (comprised entirely of smile personified Ben Revere)the Justin Morneau replacement spot that belongs to Chris Parmlee and, after a spirited spring competition, the Nick Punto Memorial extra infielder seat will be shared by Australian Luke Hughes and comeback candidate Sean Burroughs though it remains to be seen which of these burgeoning bats will develop the neccessary grit and pluck to truly endear themselves to the fan base.

Starters: Carl Pavano--our most veteran pitcher has a really ugly mustache while Scott Baker--our most experienced pitcher has a really ugly beard--Francisco Lirano--the Cisco Kid is the closest thing we have to an ace--new fourth man Jason Marquis (the Marquis de Marquis) will try to translate his low ranking nobility into a slightly lower ERA--Nick Blackburn--the fifth starter who was driven mad by Ozzie Guillen's mockery became a diabolical evil genius known only as Dr. Cakeburn.

Relievers: After losing many excellent relievers after 2010, the Twins replaced them with many un-excellent relievers in 2011. Fortunately, we have replaced those un-excellent relievers with a bunch of guys who...well...who the hell knows how they'll do? There are a few proven pitchers who seem relatively reliable like Glen Perkins, and Anthony Swarzak and slightly less proven Alex Burnett. Then there's Brian "You Make Me Feel Like" Duensing, who dominates lefties but suffers from dance fever, not to mention this year's "who-the-hell?" guys Matt Maloney and Jeff Gray. And to wrap it all up we have the portly Matt Capps who will either crush the opposition, or get crushed by a rampaging mob of Midwesterners
Management: General Manager Terry Ryan, is in his second non-consecutive term as General Manager, and after building the Twins into a contender in the earlier part of this millennia, might be ready to repeat the feat with our new squad. Meanwhile actual team manager Ron Gardenhire is so totally awesome that I cannot adequately summarize our feelings here, so instead look here, herehere, and here.

Terms
We have our own language here, so please peruse this glossary to help you understand things a little better.
Supraction--a combination of surprise and distraction that manages to overwhelm all manner of opponents. Think of it: you're playing a game, pitching, hitting, fielding, then all of a sudden one little crazy Minnesota things happens, you're surprised, you're distracted and your down by five runs. This is the fine art of supraction.
Clash of the Talking Heads--this is a series that analyzes announcers throughout baseball picking out the good, the bad, and the yawn-inducing. All announcers are rated on a scale of 0-5 Blylevens (in honor of Twins announcer/all-around amusing dude: Bert Blyleven)
Enemies--Our opponents during any given game
Loathing points--A completely random scoring system that determines who we like, and who we don't.
Frenemies--Teams we are not playing at this moment, that we might not love but that we don't utterly hate.
Yankpires--Frenemies does not apply to Yankees. Because, following a reading of the bookTwilight my inimitable co-blogger discovered that the Yankees may in fact be Vampires. If vampires run faster, jump higher and hit/throw harder than anyone else, and the yankees do the same...it logically follows that the New York 9 is in cahoots with a dark league of evil.  We are opposed to dark leagues of evil.