Know Thine Enemy #1: The Washington Nationals

For our first special feature here on Peanuts from Heaven, we are happy to bring you a brief glimpse at the teams who play the Twins.

As my illustrious (and illustrated) partner has pointed out, the Twins are having an impressive season, particularly given the low expectations. They lead the AL Central in exceeding expectations--and, apparently, attractive buttocksed First Basemen.

But what about those teams who foolishly enter the Metrodome? Why do they foolishly incur the wrath of our occasionally unstoppable, occasionally stalled offense and a pitching staff at once brilliant and kind of lame. Most importantly of all, why should you care that the Twins beat this team in particular. Sure, we'd all like for our boys to go 162-0...but that's long gone. So why should we want to beat the dickens out of our current opponents.

We here at Peanuts from Heaven Inc. are happy to provide you with reasons to decimate each team the Twins play (as well as a few reasons to be nice to them) an Enemy Quotient and a final ranking as to where they fall on the Loathe-o-Meter (All rights reserved), beginning with this pivotal interleague skirmish with the Washington Nationals.


Reasons we should crush them like popcorn kernels between our giant incisors:
  1. The Twins are in fact the old Washington Senators--the Walter Johnson Washington Senators. The First in War, First in Peace, Last in the American League Washington Senators. We sucked on behalf of the nation's capital before the Washington "Nationals" ever existed. We must defend our title as the original Washington franchise before these wannabes establish a foothold. *7 Loathing Points*
  2. The Nationals are in fact, in case you are 5 years of age or younger, the old Montreal Expos--the...uh...that one guy with the hair Montreal Expos. The "Pardon nous, mais puet-etre vous voudrez voir un petit match du baseball ce soir? non, vous preferez une grande silence ou la suel chose qui un peut etendu est la raser des prostituies Quebecquois? D'accord, c'est bien" Montreal Expos. We must not allow masquerading Canadians to infiltrate our beloved America and therefore have no other choice but to destroy them all. *8 Loathing Points*
  3. America's Least Wanted: The Nationals apparently devised a roster concept that values people a great many baseball fans dislike above actual talent. Among the scourges of the game who now call the District home? Elijah Dukes (of restraining order fame), Dimitri Young (of hot dog clubbing fame), Aaron Friggin Boone (of god-awful Yankees alumnus fame) and Paul Lo Duca (of Mitchell Report fame). Think of it another way: these would be the people you work with if Johnny McSpite-alot was your Human Resource Manager. *10 loathing points*
  4. Christian Guzman: The kid has batted .328 and .311 in the past two years as a National--his highest batting average as a Twin? .302. Now he consistently produces at the plate whereas during his days in a Twins uniform you could only count on him to consistently produce groans and sighs from fans at another "he almost beat it out" double play. *4 Loathing points*
Reasons we should have mercy and merely crush them like melted fragments of M&Ms between our slightly sore molars.
  1. Rob Mackowiack: Arguably the most enjoyable name to say in the major leagues with any one of a dozen possible pronunciations (MACK-we-ack; Ma-KO-vee-ack; Macko-WACK; Smith). *-3 Loathing points*
  2. Christian Guzman: To be fair, he's actually producing about on par with his career average. He's just fixed his swing. Plus we all get to say "GOOOOOOOOOOZ again...so that's going to be fun." *-4 Loathing points*
  3. They stink: They do, the Nationals are very, very bad at baseball. When it comes to crocheting they are at least as good as your Aunt Florence, and I believe that ace Tim Redding has a lovely bunt cake recipe; baseball--they stink. They are 29-42, 12.5 games behind the Phillies, only 3 teams have worse records than the Nationals. So utterly annihilating them would be about as satisfying as the United States Army conquering Andorra. As inconsistent as our team is, this has all the potential to being the baseball equivalent of dunking on your infant cousin in Nerf basketball. Why be the arrogant jerks of the league--a gentle drubbing is all that's required here. *-13 Loathing points*
Washington Nationals final Loathe-O-Meter Ranking=9 points (Otherwise known as: Stubborn Poppy Seed Stuck in Gum Line)

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