I have heard that you are upset with me. Why my darling? What have I done? Why do you spurn me as you would a rabid doggie, or dat guy, de Kramer from de Seinfeld who can no more act for your amusment?
Oh. Last night? You are angry about last night?
Darling, do not you see dat I was testing you last night? Yes, testing. Only dis was no oral examination. No, no ABCDE scantron bubblies for you darling. Dere is only one test for love, well...two if you count de checking for STDs, but dere is only one which truly matters.
De test of loyalty.
If you just loved dat we were winning, if you just loved dat we had won 10 in a row, den you would doubt, you would be as upset as I am when someone puts de unfizzy coca into my Cooba Libre. If you now shun me and de oders, if you no longer are loving de Twins. Den, my darling...I am sad. So sad. Sadder than de word saddness can express. 'Escuse me...I am, how you say: heartrended, or heartbreaked...I am heartblended, like you took my passion and pureed it.
What's dat you say? Has my letter moved you? You still love de Livan?
Oh sweetness, never fear, now dat our love is true I will rededicate myself to you and your happiness. I already have a romantic apology ready. Stay where you are I am coming to you with massage oils, tuna casseroles pina colada fixings.
Yours in humblest submissions, and the speed of Mercury's wings,