Know Thine Enemy #2: The Arizona Diamondbacks

We continue our series of mercilessly mocking opponents with the NL West leading Arizona Diamondbacks.

Reasons we should whip the Diamondbacks like Rev. Arthur Dimsdale in The Scarlet Letter:
  1. Big Ugly: Randy Johnson, he of the face only a mother could love, pitches for Arizona (when he's not napping or trying to beat the Early Bird crowd to Denny's). The terrorizing Big Fella has spent the better part of the last 20 years glowering down on hitters. Racking up 288 Wins and 4,800+ Strikeouts. He's a first ballot hall-of-famer--and not a Twins player, erego he must fail. *6 Loathing points*
  2. So Good, So Young, So Fast: The Diamondbacks are a lot like the Twins, talented young players who play the game hard, run, hit and throw. The only difference is while the Twins missed the playoffs this year and continue to beat their heads against the White Sox and free spending Tigers, while the Diamondbacks made the NLCS last year and lead their division this year. *3 Loathing Points* 
  3. Geography: Along with the previous point, if the Diamondbacks lived in Minnesota and the Twins lived in Arizona, the Twins would lead the NL West and the Diamondbacks would be in 2nd in the AL Central. So we're only about 3,000 miles from being a first place ball club. *2 Loathing Points*
  4. Fashion Victims: The Diamondbacks are committed, above all else, to looking fabulous. For a while that meant hideous purple jerseys. Then hideous pinstripe jerseys with purple trimming. Then hideous pinstripe vests with purple sleeves. Now they have Red and black, but they also have let the name on their front be shortened to simply: D-backs. As an aesthete this offends my eyes and the only solution I can see is to destroy them. *9 Loathing Points*
Reason we should flail them as severely (though ultimately feebly) as Nathaniel Hawthorne flailed at the pages he wrote The Scarlet Letter on:
  1. Look in the Mirror: The Diamondbacks are the National League Twins. What is Chris Young but Carlos Gomez without the accent? What is Justin Upton but Delmon Young without the attitude? What is Stephen Drew but Joe Mauer without the mask? What is Brandon Webb but Scott Baker without the cup problems? By destroying them we would, in effect, destroy ourselves. This intellectual quandry is so great that we should only beat ourselves slightly, rather than severely. *-15 Loathing Points*
Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 5 Points=a slightly slower than normal internet connection

No comments:

Post a Comment