Know Thine Enemy #4: The Milwaukee Brewers

Reasons we should trash the Brewers like a pile of smelly limburger:
  1. Border War: Wisconsin and Minnesota (I found out when I moved here) are as fierce a pair of rivals as any namby-pamby Eastern-academic, centers-of-commerce/culture, historic franchises. Vikes/Pack--it's on. Gophers/Badgers--it's on like Donkey Kong. Twins/Brewers--it's on like Donkey Kong, all night long. Though I still think of myself as a Montanan living in Minnesota, please allow me to say: "Time to throw down cheese munchers!" *30 Loathing Points*
  2. Copyright Infringement: A plucky team from a minor market in the uppermidwest takes on teams with bigger budgets and more tradition? Does this sound familiar. We were that way before you, ya cheaters! *15 Loathing Points*
  3. Bud Selig: The Darth Vader of baseball--well, that's not quite true. Vader seemed pretty hardcore...Selig seems more like a wheezing beuracratic middleman who tells Darth Vader that if he wants to choke another rebel he has to file a 16-8W form with Debbie in HR. Selig ignored the steroid debacle, has been terrible for labor agreement, and tried (with the help of our own Emperor Pohlad) to eliminate the Twins completely--all of this, while he was the owner of the Brewers. *100 Loathing Points* 
  4. Stadium Envy: We contended for 6 years before getting a new stadium, the Brewers went a decade between winning seasons and they got a new stadium four years before we even had a plan in place. Jerkwads. *5 Loathing Points* 
Reasons to daintily tip the Brewers into a garbage can, after smelling something a little funny:
  1. Brother V.s. Brother: The biggest difference between Minnesota and Wisconsin is that one is spelled M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A, while the other is spelled W-I-S-C-O-N-S-I-N. Most people I know in Minnesota have family in Wisconsin, and (I imagine) vice-versa.  And when you really think about it, Brewers fans had to suffer Pohlad just as much as Twins fans have to suffer Pohlad. As the great Adaili Stevenson once said: "There's far more that unites us than divides us." As the equally great mulletted truck-driver beaten up after the Rodney King verdict said: "can't we all just get along." *-129 Loathing Points*
  2. As Alice Cooper taught us: Milwaukee is Algonquin for: "The good land" *-5 Loathing Points*
Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 16 Points 
(Also Known As: Your TV fritzing out at a crucial moment in a sporting event)

1 comment:

  1. I have no family in Wiscosin. And even if I did, I'd still say "I have no family in Wisconson," like a spurned mother whose only son ran off with Britney Spears says "I have no son."
    Wisconsin = Britney Spears. Remember that.