Wha' Happened #9: (v.s. Chicago, @ Cleveland)

Game 69
Twins 7 - White Sox 5
The Twins do not care for power hitting. It hurts the feelings of our opponents after all, and we can't have that.

But we're willing to make an exception for the White Sox.

Mauer the Great and Powerful

Said Chairman Joe Mauer of his two-run homer: "Ya know...all things are possible through the will of the Twinnesotan Proletariat and ya know umm....My power will continue to make Twinnesota the greatest, strongest most powerful nation the world has ummm...ya know...ever known."

Ryan Doumit's game winning double was slammed to left center over the sounds of sweet smooth jazz and a beautiful sunset.

Game 70
Twins 7- White Sox 4

At the ball park for the second time in as many weeks, we were a little nervous when we saw Chris Sale on the hill. Stinky's dad in particular kept muttering: "this isn't good", "Sale's tough", "he's been pitching really well" and sure enough--despite a bouncing ball that ticked Brian Dozier and a double given up to Ryan Doumit--Sale recorded four quick strike outs. Then Oswaldo Arcia, our very own Blizzard of Oz delivered a hex upon Chris Sale, blasting him with a spell/line drive up the middle.

Brian-dozer, not sold in stores

Suddenly Sale was shaken and beatable, never more so than when he faced that most intimidating of all Twins hitters: Brian Dozier. A cookie of a pitch later and the BrianDozer knocked Sale's hopes of success to the ground with a three run homer.

Somewhere a child's toy box shouted with glee as the tonka truck and wizard doll triumphed.

Ballpark Food Haiku: Cheese Curds/Sundae Cone

Gnawing on rubber

Heat lamps freeze the soul of taste

Icy sanctuary

Game 71
Twins 8 - White Sox 4 
Invigorated by the previous night's offensive outburst the young "rough-and-tumble" Twins hitters decided they wanted to do it again in the sunshine.

"PLEASE!" whined Oswaldo Arcia "PRETTY PRETTY PLEEEEEEEASE let us hit some homers Gardy!!"

"It's such a pretty day! There's lots of people there to catch them! We won't break anything we promise!!" said Eduardo Escobar.

"Indubitably, old bean!" announced Cletington Aberforth Thomas VIII, "it will be a veritable potpurri of hitting genius!"

Gardy looked uncertain, then came Brian Dozier, wailing through sobs "I...just..want...to...keep...smashing...stuff...DOOOOOWWN!!!"

With a grumble and a spit, Gardy finally allowed "Alright, you can do it...but just because it's the White Sox"

Game 72
Indians 5 - Twins 1
Fun fact! In literature there's something called: "the pathetic fallacy" in which the protagonists mood is reflected by the weather outside.

Ex. Her tears streaked down her face just as the rain streaked the window outside

Twins example: The hurricane force winds blew through the Twin Cities as the Twins blew any chance they might have had for a comeback in the 7th inning.

Game 73
Indians 8 - Twins 7
Battling a balky knee and a bitter slump, Josh Willingham, our local non-unionized Thor equivalent. Knew the one and only thing that would cheer up a Twins team gobsmacked by PJ Walters' first inning, six-run debacle.

"By the power of Mjolnar, and all that is pure and just in this world, I say that we shall unleash the THUNDER UPON THESE FOOLISH MORTALS!!"

Thunder cracked. Lightning flashed. And the universe seemingly split around all of Minnesota.

Then Chris Parmelee muttered, "Umm...Josh...we're in Cleveland...unleashing thunder in Minnesota doesn't help us at all..."

"Oh," said Willingham. "Well, I'm out of ideas then..."

Game 74

Oh ma cherie Sota,
open your heart to Livan...

Twins 5 - Indians 3
Pedro Hernandez returned to the Twins rotation and, despite frequently missing the strike zone he found a way to pitch effectively for five plus innings and give the team a chance to get a much needed win.

Somewhere in the world another former-Twins pitcher who frequently missed the strike zone, but managed to pitch quasi-effectively never the less felt at peace with the universe...as though his one true love was remembering him through the sands of time, and it brought a tear of sweet relief to his heart.

"'Sota...I love you Sota...I hope dat Pedro is as lovin' to you as you deserve...but know that I will alway be here to lovin' you as well..."

(You may tear up as needed)

Mr. Peanut of the Week: Casey Fein (establishing himself as very solid middle reliever)
Nutty Buddy of the Week: Josh Willingham (clearly feeling hurt...get well soon Joshua)

Dratted Blackouts--another edition of Caption Action

It's nice having MLB.tv, it would be nicer if I didn't live in a region that's 33% Tigers fans, 33% Indians fans and 33% Cincinnati Communist Sympathizers Fans (at least according to mlb.tv's blackout restriction policies).

However, the AP is always willing to oblige with pretty pictures, then I just fill in the captions as best seems to fit my mind--even if it is patently false.

Game 1: Friday

You know, I'm doing these laps so often now I might try to come up with a solid playlist to listen to as I run 'round the bases.

O-Dog: "Uhhh...Hi..."

Cabrera: "Hello..."

O-Dog: "Uhhh...can I get up now?"

Cabrera: "Oh, sorry I just got lost in your eyes."

O-Dog: "Yeah...that can happen...but how 'bout you just get lost instead."

Twins 9--Indians 3

Game 2: Saturday

"YEAH! NEVER FORGET THIS NAME MINNESOTA!!! IT WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!!"

Twins 4--Indians 5

Game 3: Sunday

I remember when Livan had a pig buried under the mound...I wonder if I'll have time to dig it up between strike outs?

"Umm...seriously, I thought you guys said this was going to be hard?"

Twins 8--Indians 3

SERIES IN A NUTSHELL

Whenever possible, employ the buddy system while running the bases. Not only can it help you score more runs, it also prevents your bajillion dollar catcher from hurting his heel.

A (Last?) Love Letter, from Livan Hernandez

My dearest Minnesota,

My heart, she is broken, shatter-ed, smash-ed, hurt. I still love you, but is it true dat you no longer are loving me? 

I am no more welcome at de dome. My pina colada mixes, dey have been removed from de team refrigerator. My hammock--she--she--she is gone! Gone like de hair dat once blew back from my head! Gone like de abs I once flexed for my loves! Gone like de wind...wit de wind!! Gogo, he say something about catching de crab wit my hammock...but dat is not what my hammock is for...my hammock is for cradling my behind, lulling me to happy sleepy times, so when I pitch, I am thinking de happy thoughts.

What will be come of Livan is no important. Livan is strong, so de hurt, it will pass, de pain, she goes away, de pina coladas, dey will be made again. What is important is what happens to you my lovel-lies! Francisco? Will he be as loving to you as I have been? My leetle boys: Slowey, Perkie,  Blackie, Baker---ie? Who will tell dem dat it does no matter if you win or lose, but how you play de game, and how well you make de pina coladas! Who will teach de Twins coaches how to speak de spanish to Loco Gogo? Is dere no hope? Can I no become assistant assistant pitching coach? Do de Twins have an internship program I can apply to? Will Gardy de happy gnome be my reference?

Craigers, he thinks I am living in de past. He says I must live in de now, and let de things I love go free, and try some of his Acorn smoothie, he has a point (but not about de acorn smoothie...is icky-poo...believe me...Craigers, he is going crazy). You will be okay...and I will be okay...but please...oh please...oh pretty pretty pretty please with de pink 'prinkles on top...

Can we still be friends?

Livan

Another Letter from Livan Hernandez

I am so so so so so so sorry my cherie 'Sota,

So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry.

Sorrier dan de acting career of Dustin Diamond.

Sorrier dan de excuse of judicial prudence exemplified by de Roberts court.

Sorry.

I did not know dat my hands were still covered in the grease of de luau pig. She was so delicious, and after burying her under de Cleve-a-land field some months ago, she was ready for de eating. She was delicious, and I was so happy to be full on de sweet sweet piggy meat. I knew I would make you proud.

But de napkins...OH DE NAPKINS!! De Cleve-a-landers, dey don' have no napkins. De are banned in Cleve-a-land. So my hands, dey were slippery wit pig grease. So de ball, she slipped so fat on to the plate and de hitters, dey pulvederized it.

But you must have seen. after de grease left my hands, de ball...she did what I tell her to do. But still...is my fault. I am so sorry. I don't deserve your love cherie 'Sota. But to prove I still love you I will not eat de roasted luau piggy no more! Not even if Boofy glazes it wit de sweet pinapple holandaize. Not even if Gardy serves it to me in his little gnome hat (hee hee--it makes me laugh). 

BUT DIS IS NO FUNNY! I WILL NO MORE EAT DE PIG! Only de cow, de chicken, de horse, de frog, de snake, de dog, de octo-squid, de fishies, de narhwhal's, de chupacabre, DESE WILL I EAT, AND ONLY DESE!

I make dis sacrifice for you my 'Sota. As my penance for de mistakes.

Your so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry lover,

Livan

Another Letter From Livan Hernandez

Sweetest of all 'sota's--

I have heard that you are upset with me. Why my darling? What have I done? Why do you spurn me as you would a rabid doggie, or dat guy, de Kramer from de Seinfeld who can no more act for your amusment?

Oh. Last night? You are angry about last night?

Darling, do not you see dat I was testing you last night? Yes, testing. Only dis was no oral examination. No, no ABCDE scantron bubblies for you darling. Dere is only one test for love, well...two if you count de checking for STDs, but dere is only one which truly matters.

De test of loyalty.

If you just loved dat we were winning, if you just loved dat we had won 10 in a row, den you would doubt, you would be as upset as I am when someone puts de unfizzy coca into my Cooba Libre. If you now shun me and de oders, if you no longer are loving de Twins. Den, my darling...I am sad. So sad. Sadder than de word saddness can express. 'Escuse me...I am, how you say: heartrended, or heartbreaked...I am heartblended, like you took my passion and pureed it.

What's dat you say? Has my letter moved you? You still love de Livan?

Oh sweetness, never fear,  now dat our love is true I will rededicate myself to you and your happiness. I already have a romantic apology ready. Stay where you are I am coming to you with massage oils, tuna casseroles pina colada fixings.

Yours in humblest submissions, and the speed of Mercury's wings,

Livan

From Livan Hernandez's Love Letters

Cherie 'Sota--

Ohhh, how I lovve you my fair Minne-sota. I am so happy to have left sunny Cooba for the frigid springs of the Tiny Apple-is. But I must confess how much my lovve has affected my pitching.

You see fair 'sota, when I am away from you my pitching, she suffers. She is a wounded flower under de harsh criticisms of other fans. In Cheecago dey say I stink like de rancid butter at de bottom of a discount movie theatre's popcorn machine. In Cleeva-a-land, dey say my stomach resembles de jiggling goo of congeled nacho cheese, and dey claim revenge for my victory ten years ago as a Marlin of Florida. 

But back in my beloved dome--oh under de gorgeous teflon roofing--oh, I am so happy--my pitching, she is good again. I am sorry I cannot throw de ball more than 85 miles per hour, but it is out of love. I must caress de ball, love de ball, de ball does not like de pain of hitting Joe's glove too hard, so I massage it into the glove, with all de love in my heart. And you, my beloved 'Sota, you understand me. You like dat I can eat three plates of tater tot hot dish, and still have room for jello casserole. You understand dat "All-You-Can-Eat" isn't an offer, it's a state of mind. 

You understand me 'Sota, and for dat, I will show my gratitude by lethargically leaving de field. I will continue to let Michel Cuddyer run past me, I will only enter the dugout after our lead off man has stepped into de box, I will bask as long as is possible under your gaze, so dat I can carry the strength of our lovve with me to de next painful road trip.

I give you dis victory Minnesota--as I give you my heart.

Eternally and always yours,

Livan