Making it through Winter

Two weeks into the offseason we're going through some serious withdrawal. A golden glove, a couple silver sluggers, and plenty of runner up finishes were all that the Awards season had to offer. And while the Dodgers offer of 30 kabillion dollars to Manny Ramirez was trumped by the Yankees offer of Mars to C.C. Sabathia; the Twins attempts to sign Casey Blake for three magic beans has not garnered much attention. All in all, not the most promising beginning.

While we wait out this weary winter, we here at Peanuts From Heaven Inc. are proud to introduce our new feature. Without games to watch, we'll satisfy our hunger for baseball with Ken Burns' Baseball, an 18-hour documentary chronicling the history of the game from 1880-1990. And as we watch we'll post the occasional comment about things we would love to see make a comeback, and players we would kind of like to see take the field at the Metrodome.

Starting with things we wish would make a comeback from the 19-Aughts including:
Old fashioned posters
The words: "Cranklette" and "Bug"
Singing the first verse of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in addition to the refrain.

And, for the Minnesota Twins, we want Honus
 Wagner. We want the barrel-chested, base-stealing, bowlegged, bad-ass beast of a German. This is our kind of guy, and as such we would like to imagine the following situation in which the Tigers confront their new worst nightmare.

Curtis Granderson [At first base after a walk from Boof Bonser]: I am so fast! I am so fast! FASTYFASTYFAST!! I am so Fast!!
MORNEAU: Yeah Curtis, we know. But, you might not want to sing any more: our new shortstop doesn't much like it when people brag.
GRANDERSON: Psssh! Hey! Wagner!
GRANDERSON: "I'm gonna steal second base
right in your stupid face!"
WAGNER: Bring it on.
GRANDERSON: "Oh, I'll bring it, real-ly good
just like Thanks-giving food."
WAGNER: That wasn't really a rhyme.
GRANDERSON: "I don't have to always rhyme,
free-verse poetry is no crime,
Becaaaaaaaause, I'm betterrrrrrr than yoo-hoooooooo!"

[Granderson takes off on the next pitch to steal second, and after receiving the throw from Mauer, Wagner tags out Granderson by punching him in the face with his glove, knocking Granderson out cold]
WAGNER [Walking away from Granderson's prone body]: Damn. Gotta dig another grave. [Sigh] It's hard to be a badass...

So Honus, if your reading this in some kind of alternate reality where you have stayed eternally young, please consider switching realities. We will pay you in hot dish. You're German, you should like that. 

1 comment:

  1. Honus Wagner looks very James Bond as he walks away from Granderson's prostrate body.

    ...I sort of hope Grandy reads this. I also hope that after he does, neither of us are hauled away by the authorities.