The Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame

Once again the sounds of horsehide hitting leather mitts is resounding throughout the sunny fields of Arizona and Florida, and if we ever get to turn off our snowblowers we might just hear it up here in the towns teams call home during the summer.

As is our custom every year at this time, we're spending part of spring training remembering those who make the game such fun to watch. So we're holding elections to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame which honors not baseball excellence but generally being amusing. Let the gatekeepers of Cooperstown worry about whose numbers are the best and who's morally pure enough worthy to enshrine, we'll just remember the funny things players did and make a goofy photoshop for them on Opening day.

As we suggested back in October, there's only one way to adequately judge a player: our totally made up and in no way scientific statistic AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Player [scale -10 to 10]). Below are this year's nominees and their AARP. Reminder, to be elected you must have either 75% or the highest vote total in the class, and to be held over to next year's ballot you need at least 5% of the vote--which is usually one vote or more.

You can vote through the poll on our personal website or leave a comment below to give your opinion added weight.

Returning Nominees
Joe Nathan

The Good--Gung ho closer with a penchant for made up rock anthems, facial hair, making farting noises with his mouth while stressed and piracy.
The Bad--Occasionally a little too fond of giving himself a higher degree of difficulty in saves.
AARP: 8.7

Denard Span

The Good--Steadily excellent play in center, quiet consistency at the plate, perfect nickname tie in with Menards.
The Bad--Chilled out attitude made him seem a little more aloof and harder to love than peers
AARP: 3.8

Delmon Young

The Good--Falls into the "So-Bad-It's-Good" genre of fielders...like Sharknado but with a glove. Mediocrity always masked slightly better than mediocre talent.
The Bad--Toolish behavior, general anti-semitism.
AARP: -0.9

Carl Pavano

The Good--Durable, reliable, has a heckuva mustache
The Bad--Not much personality to be noted beyond the mustache.
AARP: 2.7

Jesse Crain

The Good--Patches of impressive pitching, solid goatee and general kindness to the bloggers of this site.
The Bad--Few standout characteristics.
AARP: 2.0

Francisco Liriano

The Good--Flashes of brilliance, other flashes of stupidity, attributed silly amount of success to chewing gum, devastating slider
The Bad--Cranky and surly at times, as unpredictable as your crazy-ex but without any of the attractiveness.
AARP: 2.6

Tsuyoshi Nishioka

The Good--Briefly seemed like proof the Twins were going world wide. Tried really hard. Falls into the "So-bad-it's-still-pretty-bad" genre of fielders...like MegaShark versus Crocasaurus stuck on just the Jaleel White scenes.
The Bad--Created a lot of animosity pitting furious fans against merely exaperated fans
AARP: -0.6

Scott Baker

The Good--Consistent and solid starting pitcher. Once had his protective cup get lost in his pants.
The Bad--Injuries made his recent impact as a source of amusement minimal.
AARP: 2.1

Ben Revere

The Good--Thoroughly exciting and excitable fan favorite who loved to play the game
The Bad--Not around long enough to really make an impact or get a nickname
AARP: 2.3

Alexie Casilla

The Good--Absolutely passionate, strangely clutch, responsible for some of the most exciting moments in team history
The Bad--Generally an unknown in town, too inconsistent to become beloved.
AARP: 1.9

No longer eligible: Kevin Slowey, Luke Hughes, Jason Marquis, Matt Capps, Jason Kubel (resigned)

New Nominees
Justin Morneau
The Good--An MVP, a perennial all-star, a tenacious club-leader (even getting punched by Torii Hunter), goofy canuck, and the possessor of a widely admired backside.
The Bad--He hasn't quite been up to the old Morneau-snuff since a concussion, and despite his widely beloved nature his nicknames (Dr. Neau; Brawny; The Canadian Club) don't quite measure up.
AARP: 3.0

Ryan Doumit
The Good--Consistent refusal to button all his uniform created our nickname  "Ryan Suave", occasional outbursts of power were sincerely appreciated, penchant for eye black
The Bad--Consistently inconsistent. Poor defense and feeble hitting gave him little playing time and less love
AARP: 1.9

Jamey Carroll
The Good--Responsible for an often enjoyable game we played on this site called "Country Superstar" Jamey Carroll--which involved inventing silly psuedo-country songs based on being an aging middle infielder like: "My Defense Looks a lot Better After a Couple Beers".
The Bad--The whole playing thing wasn't his greatest strength....shame that was so important to the game.
AARP: 1.6



Liam Hendricks
The Good--Australian always seemed promising, and offered lots of Australia related jokes
The Bad--Never lived up to promise.
AARP: 0.7

Andrew Albers

The Good--Terrific story of triumph over adversity and dedication, including a scintillating stretch of scoreless innings.
The Bad--Everything after the strong start.
AARP: 0.9

This year, in addition to the recently released and traded players we're also running a veteran's ballot (in honor of the five year anniversary of our first inductee: Bert Aberforth Blyleven (whom we never saw play, but found hilarious anyway).

Veterans on our ballot and their AARP ratings are below.
Early Days
Cesar Tovar
The Good--Aside from the undeniably quirky and amusing playing of every position in one game, "Pepito" actually had a solid career both in the box and on the base paths, helping team to an AL title in 1965 and division titles in '69 and '70. Part of a stellar Centerfield tradition for the Twins.
The Bad--Didn't make much impact in the postseason. Relatively short peak of powers, fading off badly in the early 70s
AARP: 3.3


Mudcat Grant
The Good--Folksy and fun pitcher with a passion for music. Served as a top starter for the 1965 staff. Works to promote the history and future of African-American players in the majors.
The Bad--Three years is a very short run with the Twins.
AARP: 3.8


Glory Years
Dan Gladden
The Good--Tenure with team coincides with both world titles, including championship-winning run in 1991. Forerunner of gritty determined Twins players. AKA "Dazzle". Crotchety but amusing announcer
The Bad--Titles may be timing as much as talent. Hair was a mullet. Crotchety announcing. Grit and pluck are overrated.
AARP: 2.8

Al Newman
The Good--Plucky, scrappy utility infielder. Part of major league record triple-play combinations, later became coach famous for waving players home and butt patting.
The Bad--Again grit and pluck are overrated. Having an 0-31 hitless streak is too often forgotten, many would rather not hear about an association with recent coaching staffs.
AARP: 2.0

Recent Standouts
Corey Koskie
The Good--Excellent defender, solid hitter, founder of a goofy clubhouse-aesthetic, Canadian willingly returns and offers support for the team since retirement. Inspiration for my mother's rhyming game ["Koskie, Koskie, Show Us What you Gots-ki!"]
The Bad--Concussion and frequent injuries ended his career

AARP: 3.7

Doug Mientkiewicz
The Good--Gold medalist, World Series Champion, gold glove winning first baseman, incredibly popular hitter (despite average performance), gladly spoke his mind and inspired most awkward rhyming game [Mientkiewicz, Mientkiewicz...Make me a Sandwhich!]
The Bad--Friend to A-Rod. Awkwardly toolish after helping Red Sox win World Series.
AARP: 3.2

Getting the Band Back Together

Years ago, back when there were frequent playoff berths and easy jokes to crack amid winning seasons, we debuted a segment called: Sargent Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band. Part Beatles homage, part McLaughlin Group homage, all goofy. Few people read them...but I was amused enough to make a t-shirt in their honor. I was wearing that t-shirt yesterday when my father-in-law sent the following text message: "Morneau is gone-hope they can get him back next year."

My wife and I reacted as most fans did, simultaneously upset and yet hopeful that Morneau gets a shot at the World Series. But soon enough I realized that Morneau's trade would officially end Sargent Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band...in Minnesota...but now that three of the four members are in the National League, perhaps it's only the beginning.

 Below is the first installment of their reunited panel discussion show, almost four years in the making:

[Theme Music plays, lights come up on four men in various far flung hotels, all wearing Beatles inspired military regalia]

McNeau: Welcome, at last, to the reunion of Sargent Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band. The most elite roundtable of baseball minds ever to play in Minnesota.
Ringomez: AND MEE!!!!
McNeau: I'm Justin McNeau, the adorable one, and with me as always are Denard Spannon in Washington....
Spannon: The cerebral one.
McNeau: Brendan Harrisson in Round Rock Texas...
Harrisson: The quiet one.
McNeau: And Carlos Ringo-mez in Milwaukee...
Ringomez: BOODLEDEE BOP!!
McNeau: Gentlemen, I'm new to this whole playing for a totally different team, what is the best part of going elsewhere?
Spannon: You have the magical appreciation of a new realm of potentialities which, of late in Minnesota, have diminished in attainability to becoming a mirage of athleticism in a desert of despair.
Harrisson: Yeah...the chance to win is nice, but I really like getting to know real people elsewhere, beyond the bright lights big city scene [the other three snicker], seriously [snickering grows louder] I don't need to play in the majors [everyone just laughs] I AM MY OWN MAN!
McNeau: Good one Brendan...Carlos, what's your favorite part of playing elsewhere?
Ringomez: CHEESE CURLS!! Oh, and I hit home runs now!!
McNeau: Sure you do...
Spannon: No...actually...he does...
McNeau: Huh, well, issue number two, what differentiates the National League from the American League? Brendan?
Harrisson: There is a real beauty in the purity of having pitchers hit.
Spannon: Even if they hit better than you do?
Harrisson: They do not!
Ringomez: Hehe! Brendan can't hit!
Spannon: Ancient systems are uninteresting to me, we are only whatever we can be in the moment. The National League has won more recent all-star games and the world series. This is the thrill of what is immediate and makes it truly both a and the present.
Harrisson: Even if your team's barely over .500?
Spannon: At least my team's playing in front of more than 500 people!
[Everyone begins talking at once]
Harrisson: You guys are too fixated on the fame and the popularity of what we do, what about the art behind it! My sitar teacher's been telling me that I need to focus on my own sense of inner peace, and that's what I'm doing, if you can't respect that...
Spannon: Winning isn't everything, that's part of this culture's over emphasis on competition that no one appreciates the little things any more, these fasco-capitalist oligarchies pretend we can only be happy if we win; but winning is lots of things, like enjoying your family or teaching Bryce Harper not to say "bro" as often...
Ringomez: I have a  love-ly bunch of coconuts! deedle-dee-dee! There they are all standing in a row!! Bum, bum, bum! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head...
McNeau: Gentlemen! Seriously, I'm kind of freaking out. I'm not an MVP any more and while Minnesotans had happy memories of my glory years to keep the cheers coming, what if Pirates fans boo when I only get a single and strike out three times?
Spannon: Embrace the victory of the self Justin. You are strong and powerful and you can help them have their first winning season in 20 years, they might not love you, but they'll thank you.
Harrisson: And even if they don't, it doesn't matter. You're a good person, with a family and a successful career. Besides, when you return to Minnesota, they'll still cheer for you.
Ringomez: And you are a good mentor! You make winning easy and playing fun!!!
McNeau: Thank you guys. As we wrap up today's analysis, do you guys find yourselves missing anything from Minnesota?
All: Joe's Sideburns.
McNeau: I thought so.

Teachable Moments 2012: Money Will Change Your Life

The playoffs are in high gear, but those who cling to hope for the underdogs might be forgiven for tuning out early this year. The league championship series featured the past three champions (Cardinals, Giants and Yankees) and a preseason favorite (the Detroit Tigers). Gone are the plucky upstarts: the Nationals, the A's, the O's, the Reds. In short all the teams who haven't sniffed the World Series in over 20 years, and in their place, much more of the same.

Baseball's competitive balance is still a little better than you might think, but that's not the point of my writing. My point is that there's a certain something missing from this years playoffs; that plucky scrapper mentality that many mid-market fans cling to as superpowers get richer each year.

Once upon a time, in the good ol' days of five years ago, the Twins were one of those scrappy franchises. Mixing and matching spare parts and raw newcomers to find startling success; while we often wished ol' Carl Pohlad would loosen his purse strings a little more often, we now know that big spending won't solve our problems.

After two years of 90+ losses and nearly $200 million dollars in payroll, frustration is mounting. At the center of all of this frustration isn't the ownership (no longer Carl, just his sons), or the management (penny-pinching Terry Ryan in his 2nd non-consecutive turn as GM), the frustration falls squarely on Joseph P. Mauer. The 23 Million Dollar Man.

We all know the story. Mauer was the scion, the natural, the local kid who was destined to return the Twins to greatness. So, we made sure to give him a contract that would keep him in town for a solid decade. We rejoiced when he signed, and while the price-tag was eye-popping, if anyone was worth it, it was our boy Joe.

Of course, we all know the rest of the story too. In the three years since Mauer signed the uber-deal, his production has vacillated from solid to injury-riddled to elite-catcher level again. At the same time, Mauer has remained the stoic, humble, home-grown star who endeared himself to Twins fans as Minnesota's own throw-back to the crew-cut, mashed-potato-munching stars of yester-year. He's got a house in Florida, but another up north, with a St. Paul-bred wife and a consistent relationship with his St. Paul loving family.

He plays the same. He acts the same. He is the same. Clearly, money did not change Joe Mauer.

And clearly it did change us.

Somewhere along the way, the promise and the paeans to Joe Mauer morphed into demands. Our affection didn't come easily anymore, he wasn't the adorable kid playing stickball on Summit Avenue, he was "the franchise," and he had better play like it! He wasn't a local boy made good, he was a local boy made off with our hard-earned money. He wasn't a great player, he was a shampoo-hawking, prima-donna who let "leg-weakness" get in the way of the game.

Before, we had loved Joe Mauer simply and purely because he was our own and he was awesome. Suddenly, we begrudged Joe Mauer some undefinable something simply and purely because he was our own and he was only "pretty good"...and, oh yeah, he was getting paid a large sum of money (much of which came from our own tickets).

Chances are, if you find your way to this page, this blog, and my style of writing, you have a more complex view of Mauer than simply "the-golden-boy" or "the-sissy-punk". Chances are you've heard plenty of this before. Chances are I'm not saying anything that you haven't thought yourself a time or dozen.

But one thing to bear in mind, as we enter a season of acrimonious bickering over cries of "super rich one-percent-ers" and "the welfare class of entitled moochers" is just how we use these words and why. It's easy to tune out the tit-for-tat argument and snark as irrelevant or impossible, but that avoids the core of the discussion. Does Joe Mauer earn the enmity of disappointed hordes in Target Field because he doesn't perform his job, because he abuses his wealth and privilege, or because class and money affect us in ways we don't feel comfortable talking about. Is it pure jealousy, the shriveled raisin of a dream deferred, the genuine disdain for misappropriated money at a time of fiscal uncertainty?

There's no clear answer to those questions, and that's as it should be. The teachable moments of our year in fandom aren't just moments where a lesson is learned and we move on with life. Teachable moments are the somethings, the anythings, that encourage us to look at things again, to consider and reflect.

I'm a homer, and I'll always love Joe Mauer for how he hits and plays. But after this year, I also have to appreciate how he offers all kinds of teachable moments

Let's Make a Deal! Round 1

In six weeks the trade deadline will come to pass, but before that happens there will be rumors, conjecture, and wheeling/dealing of innumerable kinds. It's exhilarating and yet, frightening because--after all--you're giving up something you know for something that is totally unpredictable.

There's so much uncertainty that it makes me feel every bit as anxious as I used to feel watching game shows as a kid. For some reason--even though many were decade's old repeats--I worried over each lightning round, groaned with each needless gamble and muttered "no whammy, no whammy, no whammy" over and over again.

But beyond a doubt, the trade-crazed part of the season reminds me of Monte Hall's legendary "Let's Make a Deal". For those who didn't waste their sick days gorging on bad tv: Let's Make a Deal gives average people the chance to just take away a couple hundred bucks or trade it in for something behind one of three doors. Some contain fabulous prizes, some contain goats chewing hay. You just never know

Yes, I have several brain cells devoted to knowing this show...
(Courtesy Letsmakeadeal.com)

Whatever you may say about scouting reports and statistical analyses, trades still boil down to fast choices between a few options--keep what you have or swap it out for an unknown risk. But rather than let Terry Ryan have all the fun/anxiety of these decisions, we fans can play along at home!

That's right, I'm channelling my inner Monte Hall/Wayne Brady and presenting three options for the Twins most likely trade candidates. Each one is based on trades made for similar players in baseball history, and while they aren't all deadline deals or deals with similar contract statuses, they represent deals that offer things the Twins might like to have in building for the future in exchange for a similar player at a similar age.

So, you'll all be playing as Terry Ryan and in the interest of fairness I'll give you a few hints at who's behind the door with stats and ages. Then you vote (either in the poll at the right, or the comments section below) for the trade you think TR should make. I'll unveil what's behind each door next week so we can see just what the blogo-sphere community would walk away with if we pooled our collective wisdom.

With that let's.......MAKE A DEAL!!!!!!!

Image credit: CBS.com

Okay, Terrys first up I'll give you a 28-year-old consistently above average Center Fielder: that's right it's Denard Span!!! Alright, would you like to keep Denard Span or would you like what's behind Door #1? Door #2? Or Door #3?

Oh, don't make up your mind so fast Terrys! Let's get a little hint at what you'd get behind each other door

Behind door #1 there's a durable reliever in AAA who had a 1.94 K/BB ratio and a 1.35 ERA in a cup of coffee with the big team. To sweeten the pot, there's a fast rising outfielder whose defense just gets better with each level (1.34 RF/G in A ball to 1.79 in AA) he cranked 26 homers in A ball and though that dropped to 16 in AA this year he's just 20 years old and should get better with age especially in your system when you MAKE THIS DEAL!!

Behind door #2 there's a man Baseball Prospectus ranks as a top 10 prospect on the team! He's versatile enough to have split time between second base and the outfield in rookie ball and he's even made the transition to 3rd in A ball this year! But the bat is the big appeal for this youngster boasting a current slash line of .312/.416/.411! We'll even throw in a fat wad of cash just for you if you MAKE THIS DEAL!!

And finally behind door #3 we have some options, you can have any 2 of the following 3 players, yes... in this scenario you can pick between an outfielder who marked a career high in Home Runs in AA last year (but is crowded out of our flush system); a catcher who's just about major league ready posting a .286/.339/.471 slash line in AAA (how 'bout that to replace Drew Butera?); OR a AA Starting pitcher who has 113 Ks in 103 innings and 1.92 K/BB Ratio! And hey, if you want all three just agree to toss in Ryan Doumit and we will MAKE THIS DEAL!!

So there you have it blogosphere Terry-clones! Do you want to keep Denard Span or will it be Door #1! Door #2! or Door #3!!!

(Vote in the poll at right, or vote and share your reasoning in the comments below--our trade deadline is Sunday at Midnight Central)

The Winter Meetings: The Happiest Place on Earth...if your name is Cliff Lee

On Monday, while the rest of us freeze our patooties off, Bill Smith and the Twins front office staff will start a week in Orlando, Florida. In between riding the teacups and losing their money to one of the few businesses that makes the New York Yankees look impoverished, they'll try and set up the Twins for a run at the 2011 World Series. As is our wont on this website, we'll suggest just what we can expect to happen--and offer a suggestion for just how the Twins Staff can use their surroundings of the Magical Kingdom to their best advantage. (P.s. click on the years to see some of our brilliant analysis from 2009, and 2008)

1st: We sign one fairly solid reliever--Clearly I misspent my youth. Instead of writing, reading and arithmetic I should have been working on one great split-finger fastball. If only I had read this opinion piece from Roy Halladay when I was a boy! Brandon Fuentes, Johnny the (G)Rauch, Matty Gurrier and (our homie) Jesse Crain (Ze Ubermensch) are all ready to pick up big paychecks in exchange for throwing a horsehide spheroid.

With so many members of our bull-pen due for raises, we can probably wave good-bye to most if not all of them. But if we're lucky, we could trick one of them to ride Space Mountain with us, and subtly ask them to re-sign them at a reasonable cost. If we ask this just before we plummet down into one of those super sweet neon lit tunnels, then they'll scream out "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" and we'll claim they agreed to terms with us! (Deceitful, perhaps...but if you've got any better ideas I'd love to hear them).

2nd: We sign Tsuyoshi Nishioka. Sounds like Nishioka actually is pumped to be a Twinnesotan including those magic words: "I don't think I will give up the idea of going to the majors because of the amount of money"--somewhere, heaven, hell, as a reincarnated goat herder in Tasmania, Carl Pohlad is smiling.

So, after offering $5 million just to talk to him, we can seal the deal with a couple million and a quick glimpse of the glitz and glamour he can expect to find in the Twin Cities!...........Or we could get him into Disney World. (You know, just on the off chance that tater-tot casserole sushi leaves something to be desired.) And if we sign him in Orlando we can promise to take him back to Epcot's Japan section anytime he gets homesick!

3rd: We pick a pitcher or two off the scrap heap. Remember Sidney Ponson and Darren Oliver and Livan Hernandez...you know, the retread guys who nobody else was to keen on so they ended up in Twins uniforms for various lengths of time? Yeah, it's time to do some more of that. And after it worked so well with Carl Pavano can you really blame us?

But sadly, while it worked well with Pavano, he's over our little rebound rendez-vous and setting his sights on somebody with plenty of money and little intelligence (c'mon Mets, you know your cue when you hear it!). So--who's it going to be Bill Smith? Former Cy Young winner Brandon Webb? Former flash-in-the-pan John Maine? Former/Current shoulder-injury hazard zone Freddy Garcia? All of them are available, but to tell who is really worth signing take the whole lot of them to the It's a Small World Ride with a bucket of balls--whoever decapitates the most animatronic moppets before the end of the ride gets the contract!

4th: We toy with the Pittsburgh Pirates just a little bit more. Stinky and I have made no secret of the fact that our National League homeboys are the Pittsburgh Pirates (commemorating the 50 year anniversary of beating the Yankees in arguably the greatest game of Yankee beating ever!). So if the Twins and the Pirates do a little business together, we'd love it!

Turns out that the Pirates are sweet on every female Twins fan's favorite shortstop: J.J. "Sexxypants" Hardy. And nearly got him in a trade...but like a big brother teasing his sibling at Blizzard Beach, we laughed off their plea to play with the cool kids. (Not that I harbor any grudges against my big brother or anything...sniff) C'mon Twins make something happen, if we sign Nishioka, JJ's expendable anyway so trade him away for that nerdy Ross Ohlendorfer guy--we wholly support the idea of more nerds on the pitching staff (especially if Jesse Crain leaves town)

5th: Souvenir Shopping. We say this every year, but seriously...very little actually happens at the Winter Meetings, and if the first month of the offseason is any indication, the Twins aren't really keen to do anything anyway. So, you know what Bill Smith, it's cool if you just want to chill with your co-workers, ride Splash Mountain, check out the Pirates of the Caribbean stage show, you probably won't miss anything anyway. But would you mind picking up about 800,000 of these little beauties for all of us back home?.....Thanks, you're the best!

Better than Steroids...and only half as dangerous!

Right before first pitch a certain song is playing throughout Angels Stadium. While most players ignore this, it seems to have a strange effect on Joe Mauer, who suddenly seems to be unable to say anything at all, but rather keeps bopping his head to the sweet bass beat, and repeating the lyrics over and over again "Money money money money....MONEY!! Money money money money...MONEY!!!" Finally...Justin Morneau steps in to try and help

MORNEAU: Hey, umm...Joe, listen man...the game's gonna start...you alright?

MAUER: MONEY!!!!!!!

MORNEAU: What are you talking about Joe? C'mon man focus, there's a game about to be played.

MAUER: MONEY!!!!!!!!

MORNEAU: Guys? Something's wrong with Joe! [The team gathers around Joe--checking him carefully]

PUNTO: Maybe he ate a bad California roll and is worried about the wasted per diem?

CUDDY: Maybe he's in love with a girl named Money and she cast a spell on him?

DELMON: Maybe I blew his mind with the fact that I can steal bases now?

O-DOG: Ohhhh man!! I know what happened!

ALL: What happened O-dog?

O-DOG: The reality of his contract finally set in, and he realizes that since signed one of the biggest contracts in baseball history from now on any time a reporter talks about expensive contracts they'll show his picture and play this song. The immensity of the situation has set in...unless we act fast he'll end up like A-Rod, Jeter, and Manny Ramirez [Team pauses to imagine Mauer with dreadlocks, painted on top of a centaur's body in a shaving cream commerical. The team shudders, Brendan Harris vomits]

MORNEAU: WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!! QUICK EVERYONE REMIND HIM OF WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IN THIS WORLD!!!!!! Uh...Uh....MAPLE SYRUP!!!

THOME: Winning the world series!!!

CUDDY: The love of a bedimpled right fielder!!

BLACKBURN: RED VELVET CAKE!!!

O-DOG: That ain't gonna work guys...we want to fix him we can't just talk about things that AREN'T money...we have to address the situation. Like all the delicate elements of finance he now has to think about in order to protect himself and his family in the future.

MORNEAU: Like what?

O-DOG: Let's toss out some elements from this book! [O-Dog and the team open up "Fundamentals of Corporate Finance" and begin reading out terms from the glossary]

MORNEAU: TERMINAL VALUE OF CONTINUING CASH FLOWS!--a future point in time where we expect stable growth for ever.

PUNTO: COST OF CAPITAL--an investors expected return on a portfolio of all the company's existing security.

HARDY: ADJUSTED PRESENT VALUE METHOD--A business valuation model based upon net value if the project is financed solely by ownership equity plus the present value of all benefits of financing. [Slowly Mauer quotes the song less and less...his eyes regain focus and a look of fear creeps on to his face]

MORNEAU: It's working! Gimme that thing! PRESENT VALUE OF TAX SHIELD--TAX SHIELD JOE....TAX SHIELD!!!!!

[Joe jumps up and runs screaming to the batters box where he clobbers a two run home run over the centerfield wall...he returns to the dugout happy, but a little woozy muttering only: "no more finance, no more...no more finance terms...just let me play baseball...I'll be good...no more finance terms." A few innings later, Orlando Hudson is leafing through the book]

O-DOG: Hmmm...this is pretty interesting stuff. It seems like most of us ball players prefer the simplicity of hitting a ball with a bat to this kind of stuff. I wonder if it can have the same effect on other people....HEY! MORNEAU!! TAX ABATEMENT!!! [Morneau, at the plate, gets his big scared eyes and takes out his fear by crushing a pitch to right field]

O-DOG: Nice...[a few innings later]...if this works on a middle infielder, then we know it's good...JJ!!! TREASURY INFLATION PROTECTED SECURITIES!!!! [JJ Hardy swings and hits one harder than Mauer] This'll be our little secret "Fundamentals of Corporate Finance" (wink!)

The moral of the game is this friends: Finance is a powerful and beautiful thing, but sometimes you just have to step back and enjoy the simple things in life, like bedimpled right fielders, Red Velvet Cake, Maple Syrup and hitting baseballs really, really, REALLY hard.

Moms are great...and so is Derek Jeter?

Sure I could talk about my first thoughts on turning on the exhibition game today (though it would pretty much be nothing more than: "ohmigodohmigodohmigod!!") but instead I'd like to focus on two lesser known great things in the world.

By now we've all heard about Denard Span, every Peanut's favorite emulator of Abraham-Lincoln-like-facial-hair, and the unfortunate accident that came yesterday when Denard hit a foul ball that improbably hit his own mother.

Two things came out of this story that we feel are worth noting

1st--Denard's mom, Wanda Wilson, was reportedly more mad about Denard's leaving the game than his hitting her with a foul ball. Way to prioritize Momma Wilson! Supportive, kind, encouraging to your son. "Don't worry about me, it's just a flesh wound! Go play your game with your friends! Make your family proud!" Clearly, Wanda Wilson, like all kinds of other Mom's kick butt. (And as Denard and all sons know--you don't mess with your mother.)

2nd--We here at Peanuts from Heaven must admit to a mistake. We have in the past, been adamant in our assertion that Yankees Shortstop Derek Jeter is, like all Yankees, a secret vampire hell bent on destroying our team, our way of life and the world as we know it. However, as the article from ESPN cites: "After the top of the third, Span said Yankees star Derek Jeter stopped him on the field and told him it was OK to leave the game to check on his mother".

Yes, you read that correctly. Derek Jeter. Was Kind. To a Twin.

This naturally surprised your friendly bloggers, who naturally assumed that being "The Captain" of the Yankees, Derek Jeter would be the new king Yankpire. But, perhaps, like the modern "Sensitive" Vampire...Derek Jeter prefers to spend his time lying in fields, thinking cliched thoughts about love, and of course: sparkling.

In case you wonder what we mean...notice the image in the video below (you don't have to watch it)...some might call that sweat...we're going to call it SPARKLES!

To learn more about Sparkles and his fellow Yankpires take a look at the new page devoted entirely to the sketchitude that IS New York Yankee Baseball.

Your Guide to Surviving the New Yankpire Order #2

As I said in my last post, schedules are hectic, and while much has happened in the Twins universe (new lights for the stadium, new attitude for Bill Smith, new shortstop) we here at Peanuts from Heaven remain inundated with non-Twins related things. So while we could blog regularly about topics like revising operation perspectives for Twin Cities health clinics, or ethical issues raised by AIDS education in New Delhi, we have spared you the crazy making world that both Stinky and I live in.

HOWEVER, oh best beloved, this does not mean that we are deaf to the cries of the baseball world. So when Scott Boras (pictured below) said: "I don't know what a mid-market franchise is. That's like a midsized aircraft carrier. [Mid-market teams] all have the potential to have an economic bomb", it reminded us of another key tool to use in surviving this strange new world where the Yankees are once again the most powerful team on the planet.

PIECE OF ADVICE NUMBER 2: Start looking for quarters in the sofa cushions.

After three years of (relatively) lower contracts that owners called "fiscal sanity" and the players union really wants to call "collusion", the sense that "money wins" is back in baseball, and that means that those of us with prudent owners (see Jim Pohlad, I'm being nice!) are in deep dog-doo if Boras gets his way.

At the heart of this is the idea that baseball teams make a S*** ton of money*. Which, they do. I'm currently (slowly) reading "National Pastime" by economists Stefan Szymanski and Andrew Zimbalist. In Chapter 5 (available for a peek at Google Books) the authors contend that baseball owners might cry penury, but they all line their coffers with sacks of gold. They run their teams to make a profit, hence the exorbitant ticket prices, concessions prices, etc. And while teams might appear to lose money, the corporate entities that own them seem to be always in the black (a little bit of monetary misdirection goes a long way, they contend). So, Boras is right in thinking that teams have money to spend.

However, just because teams have money doesn't mean they necessarily ought to spend it on player salaries. For instance, which would you rather have? Boras client Matt Holliday in left field, or Delmon Young, (slightly) cheaper seats, and lower beverage prices? Should we go after Jarod Washburn (another Boras client) this winter, or make do with Swarzak, Duensing, and a once a month dollar-dog night? Sure Scott Boras, mid-market teams have the potential to drop an economic bomb on the baseball landscape but we won't because dropping that economic bomb would level the city that supports them, diminish ticket prices and turn a profitable business into an unprofitable one.

(SIDE NOTE: Joe Mauer knows this, but still wants big money. Which we will give to him because he is represented by the Mickey Mouse of agents Ronald Shapiro (author of this book). So again thinking economically we could have a guy who could not hit in the AL West last year (Holliday) and a guy who couldn't pitch for the last two months last year (Washburn) or a once in a generation catcher like Mauer--tough choice.)

So what's the point of spending all the profits you make, especially when the team with the highest payroll hasn't won a championship since the year 2000? What's the point of ...I'm sorry...they won the what now? Oh, I'm sorry, I've been drinking heavily to forget that. Never mind.

Turn over those sofa cushions Jim! It's a new Yankpire order...time to spend accordingly

*S*** ton = 28 boat loads.

You can always

SAVE BIG MONEY AT DENARD'S!!!

Just in time for October we have a wealth of specials on sale at Denard's Super-Duper Season-Ending September-Sprint-Shootout Sales-a-Thon!!

C'mon in and sample our bargain bin of substitute first basemen! All the power of your regular first basemen but with an extra layer of rustcoat to protect against end of the season breakdown. They're made in the USA, and have the branding on the butt to prove it! Best of all the cost just the same as cute, cuddly, teddy bear of a right fielder!

Retro is Nowtro with Brian "You Make Me Feel Like" Duensing Yellow Cardigans and platform shoes with aquariums in the bottom! Just in time for Halloween your kids can look like the Twins' #5 starter...heck, does your kid have a paper route? He could probably BE our #5 starter! For only $13.95!

BUT WAIT, There's more!! In honor of our founder's Super-Sweet-Special-Six-Sruns batted in: we're offering, not one, not two, not three but SIX WHOLE PEANUTS FROM HEAVEN!! (Warning, do not ingest peanuts from heaven, as they are peanuts with fuzzy angel wings hot glued on...serious choking hazard for Children under the age of 4, and frat boys under the influence of 4 beers.)

Stop on in today, because while the season might last until October, these deals won't!

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

Forgive this post's tardiness, I wanted to give my cohort a chance to chime in--but vacation is just too much fun.

Anyway, on Thursday night it was "back to the L-column we go, when it stops, no one knows."

And while we would be normally very excited that Delmon got into the Hit Club, it seemed as though once he was in there everyone else wanted to leave. So perhaps our man in Left Field ought to switch to Axe Body Wash--Girlfriend and Teammate approved.

Unfortunately, smell-o-vision is not installed on MLB.TV, so I don't know how Delmon smelled tonight [tear]. (I was also otherwise occupied with a departmental dinner at which I talked more about the World Cup than baseball, and tried not to fixate upon the unknowns in Kansas City.)

Turning it on after we had the lead was delightful. Keeping it on while Shaggy and the Princess and the Dread Pirate mowed down hitters was excellent. Kansas City suddenly deciding it didn't want to play along after Joe may or may not but definitely did nail the outside corner, by hitting a tying home run--That stank. Stank like Delmon's new cologne--"Eau d'.240 hitter."

And so, like a pig in filth, like a college freshman in beer, like Quentin Tarantino in blood, I wallowed--in despondency (not bloody beer filth). And I pondered all the terrible horrible no good very bad things about this season, and the concerning news about Brawny--Justin Morneau--seeing a specialist about an inner-ear infection.

[However, we should note that this inner-ear infection, makes him the second man since Denard Span to need to see a specialist, and making Justin the second winner of our coveted: "FOR GOD SAKE STOP STICKING THINGS IN YOUR EAR!!!!" Award.

You see, after Denard won the inaugural award earlier this year for sticking a lug wrench inside his cabesa, the competition for the second award was fierce below are our three runners up, and the items they stuck inside their melons.

Third Prize: Bobby Keppel--the spark plug for a 1986 Buick Skylark

Second Prize: Alexi Cassilla--a quart of mole sauce from Bar Abeline in Uptown, Minneapolis

First Prize: Carl Pavano--A divot from Hazeltine National Golf Course that was (supposedly) licked by Tiger Woods himself

And the GRAND PRIZE: Justin Morneau for making a Tagalong Blizzard inside his own ear canal and then attempting to feed it to Rookie Jeff Manship by sticking a spoon inside it.

(Honorable mention--minor league division--RA Dickey burned his Norton Anthology of English Literature (Origins to 1700) and stuck the ashes in his ear...good try R.A. But you'll need to try harder if you want to make it back up to the big club.)]

Suddenly there was a tense panic in the voice of Royals' announcers--a drive slicing away from Right fielder "Free" Willy Bloomquist? Alexi Casilla on first? Go-Go-gogogogogogogogogogo--and there was the lead again...and then there was Joe Nathan, and there was drama, and there was me saying: "get this chump sucka!" and then it was over--and our return to the L column was over.

Praise be to Or Land O' Lakes Cabrera--we are outta here. Once again guys--Thanks for your efforts--now FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP STICKING THINGS IN YOUR EARS!!!!

Observations whilst in Miller Park

As promised--good things happened (though not to our gummy worms which melted in my car).

On an ungodly hot day in Miller Park the Twins were victorious, decisively so, in fact. Which made this road trip that much greater already (1 game seen by the Peanuts--1 game won in front of the Peanuts).

But while we were winning a few things caught our attention--

1) You can hear things inside Miller Park, whereas the PA system in the Metrodome sounds like nothing so much as Charlie Brown's teacher.

2) Dick and Bert, who were sitting only a few rows behind us being awesome as usual.  Bert gave us a thumbs up.

3) Brewers fans - they're never happy.  It seemed like no matter what we did - clap, hold up our Bert Blyleven hall of fame sign, shift slightly in our seats, sneeze, etc. - they would utter something like "stupid effing Minnesota fans."  Every time a Twins player struck out, the classy dude two rows behind us yelled "Ha!  There goes a Twinkie!!"  Yes.  We get it.  We're there to see the other team.  TOO BAD SUCKERS.

4) Sausage race.  Possibly the most oddly inappropriate, strangely bizzare kids themed ride I have ever seen.  You sit on a giant sausage that is dressed like a human and try to pedal him as fast as possible to the other end of a large cage.  Later in the game, the aforementioned sausages, dressed as various ethnic stereotypes, race each other around the field.  I would make a joke about male insecurity and compensating for things, but this is a family-friendly blog.

5) When the Brewers played: "What I Like About You" we listened carefully and decided that the line about dancing would be applicable to the first Twin to get a hit in that half of the inning. Unsurprisingly: Scott Baker does not know how to dance. Denard Span--OH GOD does Denard Span know how to dance (Jump around, turn around, talk about true romance).

6) Prince Fielder is a vegetarian, which begs the questions, are the souls of his opponents allowed on his regimen? (We think--Yes--Prince Fielder: Devourer of Souls)

One final note--if you go to a ball game and drink--heavily--so much that you pass out with four cups of rum and coke in front of the women's room--you have wasted 75 dollars--$15 for parking, $20 for the ticket, and $40 on the over priced drinks. If you're money conscious during this recession, you can just pay me 60 and I'll hit you over the head with a hammer--same feeling, steep discount.

The Twins are in St. Louis, we are in Chicago (the twain shall meet again Sunday)

Last Minute Presents

If you have not yet completed your holiday shopping and are desperately searching for something, ANYTHING that looks like it might be a passable gift, then stop your browsing now!

In conjunction with Denard's, Peanuts from Heaven is proud to offer great deals on this years must have Twins memorabilia! Just look at these great prices and incredible gifts

REMOTE CONTROL CARLOCIRAPTOMEZ

As he glides smoothly through the Metrodome outfield, preying on lazy fly balls and screaming with an unfathomable (and, often, irrational) energy, Carlos Gomez truly seems to be the contemporary equivalent of a Velociraptor. Now you can see the incredible fusion of these two remarkable beasts in the must have toy of this holiday season! With Carlos' head fused on to a Velociraptor body you'll see life like motion and authentic, primal screams from the man himself. For just $49.99 you too can experience the "oh-my-god, this-could-either-be-horrible-or-awesome" terror that only Carlos Gomez and Velociraptors can elicit with the Remote Control Carlociraptomez!

*Please note that the remote control does not actually control the Carlociraptomez at all. If it did, don't you think Gardy would use it in place of the real Gomez?

THE METROGNOME

If you love beauty, music and/or Ron Gardenhire you'll love this practical item. (And if you don't love any of those things, I'm sad for you.) Free from the garden, Gardy the Garden Gnome has gone metro and has produced a miniature action figure who will be happy to explain the value of eyebrow waxing and pocket handkerchiefs to every man who is otherwise hopeless. Additionally, if you attach him to the official Metrognome Metronome, he'll make sure that you keep up the tempo as you rehearse your recital music! Order the Metrognome doll for just $17.99 or add the Metrognome Metronome for only $8 more!

CUDDYER AND YOUNG'S JUNIOR SUPRACTION KIT

This deceptive deck of cards ($4.99) may seem like just another deck of cards, but with the help of Cuddyer and Young it's so much more! Kids will learn how to supract others just like the pros do. Fan out the cards and ask someone else to pick one, memorize it and return it to the deck. Then throw the cards in their face and shout out "SUPRACTION SUCKA!!" Then run like the wind.* With this and dozens of other Supractalicious antics, your children will become Twins material in no time!

*Warning, not to be attempted on anyone who can out run you.

All of these high quality products are available only at Denard's! Located at the intersection of Highway 7 and the Orion Nebula, across from the Piggily Wiggily. Hurry down and have a happy holiday!!

Phew...

I was at work, worrying about how the Twins would do.

Then I was working out, watching a rather blase first inning.

Then I came out of the shower, and we had a one run lead.

An hour or so later, after a seemingly interminable bus ride (note to self...never ride rush hour bus again) I arrived at my grandparents house to find us trailing by a run.

Morneau doubles, Randy "Poppa Bear" Ruiz singles, "Mountain Man" Jason Kubel knocks in Morneau, then Brian "Inconsequential Since San Diego" Buscher knocked in two pinch runners to give us the lead.

My grandpa and I were happy.

Until...

our bullpen started sucking again. I mean, I love you Eddie, but back to back doubles? Not reassuring.

Fortunately Denard's is offering a sale on hoses. Yes! Hoses!! The kind that shoot out of right fielder's arms and make over powering throws that douse rallies in seconds! Get your hose for only $2. PLUS, Denard's is offering chain link fences from Redmond's Home Plate Security. Stop those pesky runners in their tracks and do it all in Ol' Man Redmond Style. 

Once again, we here at Peanuts from Heaven Inc. urge everyone to:  SAVE BIG MONEY AT DENARD'S!

The Clubhouse Insider

After two disappointing, soul-sucking defeats at the hands of the Seattle Faux Hippies, the Twins came into today's game needing a win, but lacking the energy to get it.

The mood was sombre. The music on Delmon Young's boombox was not (as it usually is) "The Final Countdown" but instead, "Suicide is Painless". Gardy the gnome left the players to think about their situation themselves, pushing his wheelbarrow of woe. Finally someone spoke.

"D'dj'y'all wan' me to do my Jig a Jubilee?" asked Grizzled Prospector Mike Lamb.

"Not really, Mike," said Brendan Harris.

"Well too bad! It's the best thing ever! Wheeeheehee!!"

"But Mike, we've lost the last two games...we just don't think a dance of jubilee is appropriate." complained Harris, as Lamb continued to dance manically {"Hie-chi-cha! Hie-chi-chaaa-ha-hoooey!!"}

"Come on guys!" said Denard Span, rising from his chair "Mike Lamb's right..."

"You think his Jig of Jubilee is the best thing ever?" asked Harris, while Lamb continued to dance, {Yip-a-hip-a-doo-wa-french-dip!!}.

"God no," said Denard, "But we aren't going to play well if we sit here feeling sad. We won't score runs if we're too busy sobbing to run. We won't get Raul Ibanez out if we throw him beach balls to hit."

"But Denard!" cried Glen Perkins, "How can we go on? Livan is no longer here to ease my pain, and make me mojitos, and give me massages while he eats the delicious pies that my namesake restaurant chain makes."

"Glen! You will love again! Ask Dennys Reyes, I'm sure he'd like some pie" (Reyes nodded vigorously) "Besides, there's more to pitching than pie. And there's more to life than the fun we've had and the game's we've won. You've got to think about today, and more importantly, tomorrow!

"Let me tell you all my dream. My dream for today. My dream for tomorrow. My dream for everyday!!

"Today we will hit! We will run! We will throw! and we will catch! When we do all of these things, we will win! And as we win, we will celebrate! And as we celebrate we will win! As we celebrate wins and win celebrations we will excel and make ourselves great. So great, that one day, I will open a chain of stores that sell high quality home improvement goods at low prices! My name will be synonymous with saving big money and greatness! For that is what our organization is all about! Saving big money and greatness!!

The clubhouse was quiet for a moment, well, as quiet as it could be with Mike Lamb continuing his Jig of Jubilee {"yachee-chacha-parchee-zee-zee-YAHOOTZEE-YAHA!"}. Then a slow clap began from the locker of Brendan Harris, then went to Nick Blackburn, and spread slowly around the clubhouse until they raced onto the field and played their way to victory.

Today, the Twins saved big money with Denard.