Right before first pitch a certain song is playing throughout Angels Stadium. While most players ignore this, it seems to have a strange effect on Joe Mauer, who suddenly seems to be unable to say anything at all, but rather keeps bopping his head to the sweet bass beat, and repeating the lyrics over and over again "Money money money money....MONEY!! Money money money money...MONEY!!!" Finally...Justin Morneau steps in to try and help
MORNEAU: Hey, umm...Joe, listen man...the game's gonna start...you alright?
MORNEAU: What are you talking about Joe? C'mon man focus, there's a game about to be played.
MORNEAU: Guys? Something's wrong with Joe! [The team gathers around Joe--checking him carefully]
PUNTO: Maybe he ate a bad California roll and is worried about the wasted per diem?
CUDDY: Maybe he's in love with a girl named Money and she cast a spell on him?
DELMON: Maybe I blew his mind with the fact that I can steal bases now?
O-DOG: Ohhhh man!! I know what happened!
ALL: What happened O-dog?
O-DOG: The reality of his contract finally set in, and he realizes that since signed one of the biggest contracts in baseball history from now on any time a reporter talks about expensive contracts they'll show his picture and play this song. The immensity of the situation has set in...unless we act fast he'll end up like A-Rod, Jeter, and Manny Ramirez [Team pauses to imagine Mauer with dreadlocks, painted on top of a centaur's body in a shaving cream commerical. The team shudders, Brendan Harris vomits]
MORNEAU: WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!! QUICK EVERYONE REMIND HIM OF WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IN THIS WORLD!!!!!! Uh...Uh....MAPLE SYRUP!!!
THOME: Winning the world series!!!
CUDDY: The love of a bedimpled right fielder!!
BLACKBURN: RED VELVET CAKE!!!
O-DOG: That ain't gonna work guys...we want to fix him we can't just talk about things that AREN'T money...we have to address the situation. Like all the delicate elements of finance he now has to think about in order to protect himself and his family in the future.
MORNEAU: Like what?
O-DOG: Let's toss out some elements from this book! [O-Dog and the team open up "Fundamentals of Corporate Finance" and begin reading out terms from the glossary]
MORNEAU: TERMINAL VALUE OF CONTINUING CASH FLOWS!--a future point in time where we expect stable growth for ever.
PUNTO: COST OF CAPITAL--an investors expected return on a portfolio of all the company's existing security.
HARDY: ADJUSTED PRESENT VALUE METHOD--A business valuation model based upon net value if the project is financed solely by ownership equity plus the present value of all benefits of financing. [Slowly Mauer quotes the song less and less...his eyes regain focus and a look of fear creeps on to his face]
MORNEAU: It's working! Gimme that thing! PRESENT VALUE OF TAX SHIELD--TAX SHIELD JOE....TAX SHIELD!!!!!
[Joe jumps up and runs screaming to the batters box where he clobbers a two run home run over the centerfield wall...he returns to the dugout happy, but a little woozy muttering only: "no more finance, no more...no more finance terms...just let me play baseball...I'll be good...no more finance terms." A few innings later, Orlando Hudson is leafing through the book]
O-DOG: Hmmm...this is pretty interesting stuff. It seems like most of us ball players prefer the simplicity of hitting a ball with a bat to this kind of stuff. I wonder if it can have the same effect on other people....HEY! MORNEAU!! TAX ABATEMENT!!! [Morneau, at the plate, gets his big scared eyes and takes out his fear by crushing a pitch to right field]
O-DOG: Nice...[a few innings later]...if this works on a middle infielder, then we know it's good...JJ!!! TREASURY INFLATION PROTECTED SECURITIES!!!! [JJ Hardy swings and hits one harder than Mauer] This'll be our little secret "Fundamentals of Corporate Finance" (wink!)
The moral of the game is this friends: Finance is a powerful and beautiful thing, but sometimes you just have to step back and enjoy the simple things in life, like bedimpled right fielders, Red Velvet Cake, Maple Syrup and hitting baseballs really, really, REALLY hard.