So Delmon pulled off the first supraction of the year ("I'm Gonna Run home! JUST KIDDING! Oh wait, I was just kidding about the "just kidding!"). I am now so geeked up for baseball that I can't wait and must now publish a season preview I have been thinking about since Stinky and I took a road trip last summer. (Note: since it is legally required for all baseball writers to use a painfully awkward metaphor to frame their season preview, this is my contribution to that)
Lots of experts have been diminishing the value of the Central division over the past year or two. They claim we're not that tough, they claim we're not that impressive, they claim that we don't have any chance of contending.
These people are snobs and stupid heads. These are the kinds of people who just want to point out the failings of something that thousands of people enjoy just because it's not "the best". You know what else wasn't neccessarily "the best" tv show of all time: Thundercats. You know what that means? The Central divisions of baseball are just like the Thundercats.
Want proof?
A guy with leadership skills who's also hairy and pale?: Jason Kubel = Lion-o
Crazy smart, crazy strong, crazy cool: Albert Pujols = Panthro
Often underrated, great teammate, might even make Lion-o worry about being the leader sometimes?: Justin Verlander = Tygra (Hey look!!! I fixed it so a Tiger could be Tygra)
FASTFASTFASTFAST: Andrew McCutchen = Cheetara (No insult intended Pirates fans, remember, you're our friends we wanted to give you props and keep you as an original Thundercat)
Popular with the kids, but really annoying given how much they complain: The Chicago Teams (as represented by Jeff Smardzjia {Cubs} and Gordon Beckham{White Sox}) = Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat.
Old, and long dead (just like their last world series team): Satchel Paige (representing the Indians) = Jaga (the spiritual advisor to the whole crew)
Mystical, mysterious and little known: Aroldis Chapman (Reds) = Lynx-o (one of the lesser known, late season Thundercats)
Kind of badass enough to make you wish you could see him more (just not as an enemy): Zack Greinke = Ben-Gali
Source of salvation for those who are sick (perhaps from too much drinking): Ryan Braun = Pumyra
And finally, someone totally extraneous that we could all get along without them: Lance Berkman = Snarf.
Of course, there are other characters in Thundercats (just like there are other teams in major league baseball) but these are all irrelevant people. So lets just put their logos on some robot bears and continue:
But no story would be complete with out an antagonist--someone so sinister that they can appear at once frail and feeble and yet wield awesome almost frightening power: George Steinbrenner = Mum-Ra.
You may be saying: this is the silliest thing I've ever seen--where are the stats? What is the point of all this photoshopped weirdness? Why does this person talk about his love for baseball and Thundercats and assume we're all going to listen?
Because--WE'RE AWESOME THAT'S WHY!!! Now, if you don't mind: Thunder, Thunder, THUNDER, THUNDERCATS!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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