10.04.2008

Our New Analysts

Since the playoffs are captivating all of America we thought it right that we should not be alone in analyzing the rises and falls of the various teams in the playoffs. And so we are proud to introduce the greatest baseball analysts of all time:

Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hit Club Band!
MCNEAU: Welcome, everyone to our analysis of the division series, only on the Peanuts From Heaven website, the greatest website...ever. I'm Justin McNeau, joined by my fellow members of the fab four: Denard Spannon...
SPANNON: Hello.
MCNEAU: Brendan Harrisson...
HARRISSON: Hiya
MCNEAU: And of course Carlos Ringomez
RINGOMEZ: Zabadeeboop!
MCNEAU: Guys, is it just me or have this years playoffs sucked pickled eggs?
SPANNON: I feel that's a crass characterization Justin, but yes...this year's playoffs show no sense at all of the suffering of the world, they don't realize that people need love and good baseball to make it through the winter, it's the corporate oligarchy of the status quo that has corrupted the beautiful game rendering the true beauty of baseball obsolete in the cacophonous din that has become October baseball.
MCNEAU: What the hell?
HARRISSON: I think what Denard was trying to say was: yes.
RINGOMEZ: Ba-donk-a-donk!!
MCNEAU: But why do the games suck--
SPANNON: I just said--
MCNEAU: Besides the corporate oligarchy of the status quo?
HARRISSON: Simple Justin, our Frenemies have failed. Only the Rays...the team I once called my love...have stood up to the Bitch Sox. The Cubs have stunk at home, the Brewers have stunk on the road and the Red Sox have opened a can of whoopass on our friend Torii...
ALL: Torii...[sigh]
HARRISSON: We need comebacks, we need competition, we need--
SPANNON: To have a love-in protesting these playoffs!
MCNEAU: Denard, I will not have a love-in with you.
SPANNON: [underbreath] Small minded, philistine!
MCNEAU: Do you have any thoughts on the playoffs Ringomez?
RINGOMEZ: When I pet my goldfish he goes flippity-floppity-floo!
MCNEAU: Ohhhhhh-kay...based on the games so far gentlemen, who seems to be in the best shape to ruin our October.
SPANNON: Without question the Red Sox and Dodgers.
HARRISSON: I agree, they are the new devils of the world.
SPANNON: The Red Sox have become corrupted harbingers of the very tyranny they once sought to overthrow, beholden to their largesse and developing just as much an empire as the wicked Yankees.
MCNEAU: True, but you look at what Manny Ramirez is doing in Los Angeles, his batting average--
SPANNON: Statistics do not show the trueness of the world, nor the oneness of our souls.
MCNEAU: Screw the oneness of the souls lets talk about hitting!
HARRISSON: Uh-guys...
[TALKING OVER EACHOTHER]
SPANNON: The oneness of our souls cries out at the plasticization of our society, and the facelifted, botoxified Dodgers are an emblem of the absence of true faith.
MCNEAU: Manny's hitting .500 in the first two games against the Cubs and makes immediate adjustments at the plate to hit everything 18 rows up in Wrigley.
RINGOMEZ: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, Mary had a little lamb until I killed it for mutton! MUTTON!!!!!
[FINALLY]
HARRISSON: GUYS!!
MCNEAU: Well that does it for Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hit Club Band playoff analysis for this week. Any predictions guys?
HARRISSON: I think the Brewers will win at least one game at home.
SPANNON: I never challenge the prescience of the almighty--but I think Torii will keep getting RBIs for the Angels, but it will be meaningless if Garrett Anderson doesn't get on track.
RINGOMEZ: Greg Maddux will kill the Cubs and wear them as a hat!!
MCNEAU: And of course, we all hope that the Rays avenge our defeat at the hands of the White Sox. Until next time
ALL: Imagine.

1 comment:

  1. This is amazing. I almost peed my pants. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete