Enough of this...

In a startling and beautiful moment of clarity, I have made a command decision.

I am better at analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. My parents are better at analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. My dog is better than analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver (and, as he's been dead for two years, that's quite an accomplishment).

In this spirit I'm proud to bring you the analyses of myself, Mr. No Ass, and the Knitting Queen.

SR: "Following after Tim McCarver's analysis, that the key to victory for the Phillies, is to keep winning games, I would suggest that the key to victory for the Rays is to stop losing."

*1st Inning*
NA: "C'mon! Longoria tagged Rollins out!!"
KQ: "Yeah, I can tell by that picture of the glove half-way up his butt!"
SR: "Fox has to make sure they've got something sexual on at least once an hour."
KQ: "Are they sure they can't get any closer than this?"
NA: "Then we'd be looking at his colon."

*2nd Inning*
NA: "America's other favorite past time?"
SR: "American Idol."
NA: "Pbbbbbbt!"

*3rd Inning*
NA: "Hey, Rays, any time you want to take some pitches, that would be good."
KQ: "It must be a strategy."
NA: "Not a very good one.
KQ: "Just wait, maybe it will be a good strategy..."
NA: "Isn't part of a good strategy, changing it when it doesn't work?"
KQ: "Oh. Yeah."

*4th Inning*
[Crawford connects]
NA: That's gone.
SR: That's gone.
Joe Buck: It's gone.
KQ: What just happened?
SR: The Rays are just going to keep pitching Howard away, until he proves he can hit it to left
[Howard hits a massive three run home run to left]
NA: He just proved it.

*5th Inning*
Shane Victorino on mic: "I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it!"
[Victorino catches it]
KQ: "shoot."

*6th Inning*
SR: "I might complain about his strike zone, but this umpire's strike out call..."
NA: "Yeah, it's emphatic."
SR: "I'm a little afraid he may knock out a left handed hitter with that uppercut."

*7th Inning*
[After two pitching switches]
SR: "The line-up for the Rays goes lefty, righty, lefty, lefty...would you leave the left handed reliever in to face all four?"
NA: "hunh?"
SR: "Did you fall asleep?"
NA: "..."
SR: "Dad?"
NA: "li'l bi-" [Pause...Snore]

*8th Inning*
Joe Buck: "You could make the argument that Pena's foot is about to come off the bag when they double Feliz off of first."
KQ: "Yes you could...if you were stupid!!"

*9th Inning*
[After a minor throwing error]
KQ: "That's the start of a comeback!"
[Two outs later]
KQ: "I guess not"

*Key Insights of the Game*
SR: The Rays need to be patient.
KQ: You can't win if you don't hit.
NA: [Snore]

1 comment:

  1. I agree - you and your parents are far better commentators than Joe Buck could ever dream to be.