Why the Winter Meetings Will be like the Indianapolis 500

Because, while it takes forever, we'll finish up exactly where we started.

Apologies for not getting this posted yesterday, 'twas in our brains...but so were papers, presentations and a confusingly contradictory note from our landlords. So while this post has been in gestation for a couple days it is only now making it onto the page/screen. I trust you have all endured despite it.

In fact, I'm sure you have because baseball writers salivate over this week, they worship it, they conjecture and prognosticate and imagine all kinds of delightful scenarios where the big free agents sign, all-stars get traded, beautiful women announce their undying love for them, and they get the rest of the winter off to luxuriate on a beach sipping Mai Tai's rather than skulking about the lobbies of an Indianapolis hotel tweeting anonymous chatter about people with names like "Ryan Doumit" and "Jose Valverde".

However, they, like most fans, end up imagining magic and gettin
g little more than frostbite. Yet they still have fun, and they still provide plenty of entertainment in their gossip mongering (why else would I read said tweets when I should be writing final papers?). One thing I've noticed is that writers seem to be contractually obligated to come up with some sort of goofy metaphor to make their preview of the winter meetings, so in that spirit here are 500 things for Twins to look for during this week

1. Carl Pavano gets arbitartion. (HEY LOOK IT ALREADY HAPPENED!)--We realize that we here at Peanuts from Heaven have not really gotten into the whole Carl Pavano thing...I was moving, Stinky started business school, he pitched...we didn't have photoshop which was fine because he didn't seem like he'd be here for
very long...and besides, we already had Or-Land-O' Lakes! We didn't need to be fond of Pavano. Yet...it appears that he will be back, which is fine, I guess...he likes it Minnesota, he pitched well in the postseason, and he inspires raw hatred within the New York Yankees...so that has to be good. Welcome back Carl, we will try to come up with your photoshop identity before next season.

2. We sign a veteran pitcher whose name does not start with a "C" and end with an "arl Pavano"-- Yeaaaaaaahhh...probably not going to happen....Stinky and I wanted to see Pedro Martinez come to town (he would be a veteran, in a place he could win, AND entertain us now that Gogo is gone), but he's 1) a potential hall of famer (read, really expensive) and 2)old, so he would like to stay in the less awesome National League rather than face AL bats. *Side note, I saw Pedro pitch in rookie league baseball in Great Falls Montana...would that I could see him end his career too.

3. We sign a veteran hitter--Since Pavano resigned that suggests that there's not much money out there, which suggests that contracts will drop, which suggests that we've got a chance to sign somebody with some experience, ability and wisdom (like Mark DeRosa or Randy Winn) to help us out. Assuming agents aren't greedy...which is a little like assuming that the Yankees aren't hoping that Joe Mauer fails to sign a contract.

4. The Chairman Resigns--Probably not. They haven't started talking yet. They need to talk in order to agree on anything. But maybe, just maybe, the great and noble chairmen will realize how foolish the quest for wealth is and return to catch in exchange for some magic beans.

5-500. JACK SQUAT!!--Let's be honest, we're the Minnesota Twins. We develop young players, we cease to be able to afford said young players, said young players leave and we fill the hole before the next player emerges by signing Tony Fat-ista, and Sidney Fatso-ne. Also, remember, we have Bill Smith as our GM. A nice guy in a world filled with jerkwads. The jerkwads impress the pretty lady free agents, Bill Smith ends up alone with Nick Punto. This is what our lot in life is. And truth be told, if it costs roughly the gross domestic product of Bermuda to sign a bench warmer, I'm going to guess Bill Smith has his priorities in the right place.

I reached 500, this means I have to go to work, doesn't it?

(Single tear rolls down Scruffy's hairy, hairy face)

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