Spinning the Wheels

Just like last year, we had high hopes coming into the winter meetings and a harsh reality as we left them. And, just like last year, I'm going to use that inaction as a means to poke a little fun at Bill Smith. Not because he's ineffective, but just because he seems like a helluva nice guy, who might even find this funny. Once again, Merlin the dog files our in-depth report:

MONDAY

10:30 AM--Smith and his team begin their Winter Meetings by seeing the many impressive sites in Indianapolis, Indiana.

10:31 AM--Sightseeing ends.

1:18 PM--Tom Kelly does not get elected to the hall of fame, punkass Whitey Herzog who got beaten by Tom Kelly in the 1987 World Series does. TK shrugs his shoulders, lights a cigar and mutters "who gives a biffle?"

4:49 PM--After realizing that all the other managers in major league baseball are giving press conferences on piddling matters, Smith realizes he accidently brought his garden gnome to Indianapolis, and left Ron Gardenhire frozen on his front lawn pushing a wheelbarrow.

11:59 PM--Smith is woken from a sound sleep by Carl Pavano. Though his speech slurred Pavano is quoted as saying: "ummmawaumma Arbitration...mummawabumma coming back...bawuah PANCAKES MAN! PANCAKES!!"

TUESDAY

7:03 AM--Smith and Pavano finish their 7 hour marathon pancake eat-a-thon, swear to be bestest buds forever, and man hug.

12:22 PM--After going back to get some shut eye, Smith wakes up to the news that Curtis Granderson is about to be traded to the New York Yankees. Is excited that he won't have to see Curtis Granderson so much any more

12:25 PM--Smith realizes that with Granderson about to join the evil empire one of the last few truly cool guys in baseball is about to become an unholy abomination of Yankpire evil

12:39 PM--Smith jams all radio transmissions out of the Tigers hotel room in a vain attempt to stop Granderson from joining the evil minions of George Steinbrenner

7:30 PM--Exhausted from an afternoon of jamming radio transmissions, Smith puts Greta and Bonnie in charge of continuing to thwart the destruction of his idyllic society while he goes to get a bite to eat. Unfortunately an eye-patch wearing Russian operative of the Diamondbacks swings by to shoot Greta and Bonnie thereby letting the trade go through

8:41 PM--Smith realizes that in future he should never put rejects of the Dharma Initiative in charge of anything

Wednesday

6:21 AM--Smith finally goes to sleep after an all-nighter of watching Lost Season 5 on DVD. (It's a winter meeting tradition)

12:49 PM--Smith is still sleeping when a teary Pedro Feliz calls begging for Smith to rescue him from his only other offered contract, from the Houston Astros.

3:08 PM--Smith wakes up, receives Feliz's phone message but knows that the motto of Houston is "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here," and wisely decides not to send out a rescue party.

7:12 PM--Running out of things to do in Indianapolis, Bill Smith visits our very own website and looks for ideas. Remembers that last year he had potential deals for Adrian Beltre, Mark DeRosa, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Garrett Atkins, wonders if these players are still obtainable.

8:31 PM--Many phone calls later, Smith's staff learns that they are, and the staff agrees to discuss the subject over a meal.

8:42 PM--Staff begins a heated debate on the pros and cons of each potential scenario.

THURSDAY

7:15 AM--After an intense night of debate, Smith and his staff come to a conclusion: they will order 20 chocolate chip waffles with 24 sides of bacon, 13 hashbrowns, 7 carafes of coffee, 2 carafes of English Breakfast Tea, and a fruit bowl

9:18 AM--No one eats the fruit bowl

11:40 AM--Staff remembers arise from their food coma they were supposed to pick a third baseman, but now most teams and agents have left Indianapolis.

12:29 PM--Staff checks out of the hotel, but forgets Boof Bonser on the bed.

12:30 PM--Red Sox trick Bonser into following a trail of delicious ham back to Boston, agree to send one ham back to Minnesota in gratitude.