Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 9: BALTIMORE ORIOLES

First of all, let's welcome the Twins back to Minnesota. It's not quite time to play: "Hail the Conquering Heroes" yet, but honestly, it would probably feel better to see them start winning at home, than to feel like they were better off with out us. Now, facing the division leading Cleveland Indians, the last place Twins desperately need a win. [I want to pause for a second to let our friends in Cleveland pop their collars, toss their hair and feel genuine pride at that last sentence...got it done? Good...now we must destroy you.]

Second, I've got to apologize for the fact that I may not be posting much this weekend...in addition to the final push for my final finals week, I'm still confined to Ohio broadcast restrictions which means, if the Indians are playing, I can't be watching. (I'll try to keep up either via radio or twitter, but we'll hope the ingenious Stinky can be our woman on the spot)

Third, let us now turn our attention to the greatest question of all: "Can any broadcast team in baseball compete with Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven?"

Tonight's Contestants: Gary Thorne and Jim Palmer of MASN [Note Palmer and Thorne are just two of the 11 people listed as analysts and commentators for Orioles games, but since they are the premier duo AND called all 3 games I watched, they get the attention here]

Credentials: Gary Thorne is one of the preeminent broadcasters in the Major Leagues today. He's covered baseball on ESPN for 18 years, and done games specifically for the Orioles over the last 2. He's also the voice of hockey in America and has covered both Stanley Cup Finals, and the World Series. [He also has a Georgetown Law Degree, and was a JAG corps officer...kind of a career shift but...still...] Meanwhile Palmer is...well, Jim freakin' Palmer. The Orioles all-time winningest pitcher, a three time Cy Young winner and first ballot Hall-of-Famer. He also has a history in the broadcast booth, having been with the Orioles for 16 years and having worked the World Series a few times back in the 90's. All in all, a pretty well-credentialed pair.

Analysis: Sometimes credentials don't translate into talent, but for Thorne and Palmer, they most definitely do. They do their homework, using a plethora of well-researched, germane statistics to explain why teams are succeeding or failing in given situations. Thorne has a solid baseball IQ but mostly points out big picture storylines to the season and works in a quirky sense of humor, so Palmer does most of the explaining. Palmer is pretty solid in his insights, but occasionally fails to connect two topics and has a few problems finding adequate verbiage to describe things. The two men have an excellent rapport with one another and seem to balance each other out, with Palmer pointing out the baseball if Thorne gets too deep into news of the day, and Thorne bringing up action on the field if Palmer gets too deep into nuts and bolts. Best of all, after the dreadful hometown sycophants in Tampa; both men are happy to point out calls that go against the Twins and laud good plays no matter who makes them. (Palmer's umbrage on behalf of both pitching staffs was nice to hear.)

Sample Quote: Thorne: "Gardenhire has said that he wants Liriano to pitch more to contact, but you still see him thinking about strike outs."

Palmer: "Absolutely, Liriano's stuff has been.........Liriano-like"

Rating: 4.5 Blylevens. Seriously, these guys were fun to listen to, maybe that's why so few people actually went to the games, they'd rather just stay in and listen to Palmer & Thorne.

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 8: TAMPA BAY RAYS

Well, we're back on the road which means another installment of the Clash of the Talking Heads--wherein I describe the joys & pains of watching another team's broadcast. (Note: I missed the Yankees series with classes and work...so I won't be able to vent any spleen on them--suffice to say the little bit I did hear was filled with talking points and loaded down with stats...but not as smug as I expected)

Tonight's Contestants: Dewayne Staats & Brian Anderson of Sun Sports

Credentials: Staats is a serious journeyman of announcing booths, starting at AAA Oklahoma City in 1973 and touring through 5,000 Major League games with the Astros, Cubs and Yankees before settling down as THE voice of the Rays. Meanwhile Anderson's a journeyman of a different sort: He won the 1994 AL Rookie of the Year with the Angels and after 13 seasons and 82 wins between the Angels, Indians, Diamondbacks and Royals, called it a career and moved into broadcasting.

Analysis: I'm going to come out and admit that three nail-biting losses skewed my attitude, but even from the outset of game one, I felt like something was off. Both announcers were clearly fans of their home town crew, and while that's not a bad thing it can seem a wears a little thin to explain most plays via the: "our opponents are hapless/our team is clutch" paradigm--even if it was pretty accurate this series, it wasn't the only answer. They also tended to prognosticate knowingly what would happen--speaking ahead to batter-pitcher match-ups if there were two men on when the 5th man due came up, or describing the Rays history of 4 game sweeps while down two runs in the 7th. While the two had a pretty solid rapport, they found almost everything one another said to be unbearably witty. Not funny, just witty--so play-by-play would be waylaid for a few pitches so that they could get out a string of self-satisfied "heh, heh, heh"s.

Sample Quote: Staats"And Cuddyer swings and misses WAAAAAAY out ahead of that changeup [hehehheh]

Anderson: "His eyes got real big there [hehhhehehheh] Hellickson sets them up for the fastball and they just never see that great curveball coming [heehhehhhehh]"

Staats: 2-0 to Valencia...

Rating: 1.5 Blylevens--I'm willing to assume most of my analysis was exacerbated by perceived slights during our struggle, but I maintain that there's a lot of simplicity and a LOT of smug chuckling.

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 7: TORONTO BLUE JAYS

At last we have triumphed over the Blue Jays. And now we are free to return to the land of normal bacon, English measurements, currency not named after ducks and jokes about the Queen. Watching these games was a chore in part because they went so poorly, and in part because I'm still away from Minnesota and can only watch games via MLB.tv. The plus side is this means one last month of posts that show Twins fans what it's like to watch our boys on through the words of other announcers.

Tonight's Contestants: Pat Tabler and Buck Martinez of Rogers Sportsnet

Credentials: Buck Martinez is another baseball lifer. He played the game for twenty years (1967-1987) as a catcher for lesser known, little watched squads in Kansas City, Milwaukee and Toronto, making one trip to the post-season. He's managed the game (including a stint in Toronto at the dawn of the aughts) and has broadcast games with ESPN, TBS and now back in Toronto [Sidenote: fans of EA Sports might remember Buck Martinez as the play-by-play announcer for the baseball games in the 90s...I know the history of the phrase "a can of corn" because every eighth play in those games Buck Martinez explained the etymology of that phrase] Martinez's color-commentator is Pat Tabler, who won a world series with the Blue Jays in 1992 and was a great clutch hitter (.500 with the bases loaded).

Analysis: Competent. Steady. Reliable. A little bland. (Not unlike Canada itself!) With two hitters in the booth they really can't analyze much of the pitching, but do a good job noting the defensive shifts, base running decisions, and hitting styles of all players. They don't really get into any chummy chatter, nobody tells jokes, they simply talk about the game, and when you're full of the rampant enthusiasm of a new season and a new coach it's easy to concentrate on the game. They don't deride the other team, but they don't really mention much more than talking points. They're at their most excited anytime a player hits a fly ball to the outfield, assuming (like many Toronto fans it seems) that fly ball = home run...every time it doesn't turn out they seem slightly surprised.

Sample Quote: Martinez: And BAUTISTA hits it back to CENTER FIELD!!!...Span going back!!!........Makes the catch short of the warning track...one out.

Rating: 2.5 Blylevens. There's nothing wrong with competency--it's important to have. It's just a little less engaging than personality. (My sour mood during blow out games probably doesn't help...but still...)

Clash of the Talking Heads Playoff Edition!

**Note: with so much ink being spilled over the various championship serieses, I decided to wait until I had something meaningful to say before blogging again. Then I reversed that decision when I realized I could do more snarky commentator analysis!

Tonight's Contestants: Ernie Johnson, Ron Darling and John Smoltz (the flagship team of TBS coverage, responsible for both the Yankees/Twins divisional series, and the ALCS)

Credentials: Ernie Johnson has been an announcer for over 30 years but, as an Atlanta boy, has been largely confined to Ted Turner's monolithic hold on NBA games, it wasn't until TBS bought out the division series' that he won the right to get back into baseball. Ron Darling pitched 12 years for three teams, made an all-star team and now announces for the Mets telecasts (he also speaks Chinese and French!). And John Smoltz is so flippin' accomplished that his wikipedia page doesn't even condescend to mention a piddling announcing job: 8 All-Star appearances, a Cy Young award, pitched in 5 World Series, and an accomplished accordionist.

Analysis: With most two-man teams you get two perspectives: play-by-play from a guy who's really just a big kid with a well modulated voice, and in-depth analysis from a former player. If you add a third man to that mix and you would hope that he offered something different...not in this case! Darling and Smoltz are both pitchers. Darling and Smoltz both know what's happening on the diamond. But, while Smoltz delves into minutia to explain just why release points and elbow angles and stutter steps by lead runners make such a difference, Darling ends up paraphrasing the action in his own words. Personally, I think Darling is dead weight, but he does provide some of the worst tangential comedy you could ask for when you're trying to watch a baseball game!...So...bright side?

Meanwhile Johnson is reasonably serviceable in the play-by-play chair. Much better than the jack-wagon Chip Caray we all learned to hate last year. Johnson is less prone to Yankee-induced-drooling than Caray was, though, as always, the Yankees induce lots of unnecessary amazement (Jeter jump throws! (and-doesn't-get-the-base-runner-but-that-doesn't-matter-because) HE JUMP-THROWS!!!!). The biggest problem for Ernie Johnson the baseball announcer is that he's battling 20 years of Ernie Johnson the basketball announcer. I keep waiting for him to say: "And the Portland Trail Blazers take the field!" or "Great shot to right field by Dirk Nowitzki!" or "what do you think Charles Barkley?!?" He never does of course, he's too professional to do that but his hyper-active enthusiasm makes more sense in the up-and-down ceaseless action hard-wood game than the languid, philosophic diamond-based game. And when the lulls are most pronounced he's clearly casting about for any topic to get a laugh out of his buddies in the booth (Darling's amenable, but John Smoltz for laughs NO MAN!!)

Rating: 2.5 Blylevens. There's nothing spectacular about TBS coverage team, though Smoltz is great for the nerd in me, and it's always fun to cock an eyebrow of doubt at Ron Darling's mannerisms. But as long as we're stuck with national coverage, these guys will do fine.

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 6

This is my preferred blog to post after a loss in the final game of a road series sours my satisfaction a little bit. (2 out of 3 seems to break the Seattle mojo...but...ah well)

Tonight's Contestants: Dave Sims, Mike Blowers and [occasionally] Dan Wilson of Fox Sports Northwest.

Credentials: Sims is a sports lifer, bouncing from job to job (mostly on the radio) and doing play-by-play* all the big three (football, basketball and baseball). Blowers (the regular play-by-play guy) was a utility infielder who bounced around the majors for a decade and is the every day wing man on air. Meanwhile Wilson, an occasional guest color-man, spent 14 years as a catcher (and did all but two of those years in Seattle).

*It's worth noting that the Mariners do have a hall-of-famer on staff (Dave Niehaus) but between technical malfunctions and Fox's monopoly on Saturdays I only saw one game of this series and Sims called it.

Analysis: It was a tale of two ball games yesterday. The pitchers duel and the sudden outburst at the end. Throughout the pitchers duel the cadre of hitters seemed kind of dumbstruck as to what to say. Pavano and French worked so quickly that Sims barely had time to welcome the audience back, say the names of the hitters, rattle off a promo and mutter "Valencia to Cuddyer and another out". Any other down time was spent on little gimmicks including allowing a kid into the press box (he wasn't talkative), singing the Patty Duke theme song, and offering a hot plate of Rally Fries to two lucky fans. (The Seatttle equivalent of getting circled)

Once there was finally something to talk about (from Cuddy's homer on) the booth sprang to life. Sims was especially excited by any hit (after two long hitless spells, I would be too) and Blowers made a few guesses as to what pitches weren't working for Pavano any more. Once the scoring was done and the game settled down again, both Sims and Blowers seemed peppier, but didn't really know what to say now that the ball was in the bullpen's hands.

Rating: Incomplete. I would like to be definitive about this, and I think there are too many strange variables to consider here. With a spastic game, a recalcitrant child, and the absence of the consensus best broadcaster on the team, the Mariners probably deserve a second chance to define themselves. So, as I've told my students in the past: "Think about my notes, and make sure this the best you can do."

(In case you're wondering why I blogged this when I was going to give them an incomplete: hey, you would too if the alternative was writing a thesis....which I should probably go do...sigh...)

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 5

HUZZAH! A Win!!! (Though Vladmir Gurrero did his best to impale our hopes, we survived and we survived the onslaught of all things Texan, now we're off to the drizzly, coffee soaked, poetic nirvana that is: Seattle...cue ominous music).

But before we say goodbye to Arlington, it's time to review how the rest of the world lives with our ongoing series covering announcers throughout baseball.


Tonight's Contestants: Josh Lewin & Tom Grieve of Fox Sports Southwest
Credentials: Lewin, the play-by-play man (on the left in the picture above) has a history throughout the middle markets of baseball including stops in Baltimore, Detroit, Chicago and finally Texas (where he's been for 8 years). He turns up on Fox baseball from time to time, and spends weekends in September doing San Diego Chargers radio broadcasts. Grieve was an outfielder (invovled in a trade for Bert Blyleven!) then became a general manager in Texas, and then seems to have wandered into the announcer's booth, and there he stays.


Analysis: One of the first notes I made about these guys was when Lewin said on Monday: "I have a short attention span." No, kidding. To say that Rangers broadcasts are scattershot would be an understatement. Ranger's broadcasts are the Yosemite Sam of the broadcasting world, hitting a lot of things...but not many of them baseball related.



BUT! That's not always a bad thing...after all, Yosemite Sam is a pretty funny guy, and so is Josh Lewin. At various points during this series he went on extended riffs about Kleenex boxes, Mary Tyler Moore, Entourage, puppy chow, funny band names (Mouthful of Turf-face, any takers?) and hair braiding. At times, it almost seems like he's working out material for the next local open mic night, but most of the time it seems like you're just hanging out with one of your funniest friends and watching a ball game. Meanwhile, Grieve plays the straightman pretty well, and thanks everyone who sends the announcers food and gifts (there's a lot of them). Actual analysis isn't too common, both announcers rely on technological innovations (Fox-X-Mo and a Pitch Tracker doo-dad) and point out what the audience can already see, rather than offering additional depth to the game. These guys love their Rangers, love their community and love talking about whatever amuses them most.


Best Quote: Grieve: [Pointing out a Kleenex box sent to them by a fan] "T, is for Tissue."
Lewin: "And C, is for Cookie!"
*** Bonus Quote from Mark McLemore (who offers both depth of analysis and silly rejoinders to Lewin) "Jim Thome can turn the world on with his smile!"


Rating: 4 Blylevens. (Like I said, funny is funny--but I do like a little analysis, and therefore hope McLemore gets a chance at the big chair someday)

Photo credits for first photo: Photo attributed to Ben White

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 4

With the Twins about to hit the road I thought it was time to dust off the old chestnut of "Clash of the Talking Heads" wherein I review other broadcast teams around baseball (it's one of my mom's favorites). It was convenient because, while I normally don't get to watch any network tv (part of MLB.tv's blackout program) I could watch this one with my friend Leslie who both roots for the Angels and has cable tv!

Tonight's contestants: Jon Miller and Joe Morgan (ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball Team)

Credentials: As of this year both of them are hall of famers (Miller for decades covering the Orioles and Giants, Morgan for...you know...playing the game). Which means whether they are your cup of tea or not, they will be broadcasting together until they decide to stop. [Though it should be noted that rumors of animosity between the two may make a split over "creative differences" more likely than with other announcing teams]

Analysis: Unquestionably the best pairing of network tv announcers working today. Even if you can't stand one or both of them, I'd be shocked to hear the average fan say that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver (Fox's team) are better. It's a shame that ESPN/ABC don't have playoff rights any more because it means that Miller and Morgan play golf while less talented talking heads prattle on and on throughout October. Whatever else you say about them you have to admit that Miller has almost every angle of the game covered, with a finger on the crucial stat, a germane anecdote about players or fans and no clear bias to any one team. Meanwhile, Morgan clearly knows his stuff, and delights in telestrating proper alignment during swings and particular intricacies of defenses (if Bert's telestrating skills got that much air time I think we might start seeing doodles of funny hats and mustaches on players). After decades on air together, they have a rapport--and if it's soured over the years, it's hard to tell. The one critique (made by Barry, a new student in my program and a Twins fan) is that Morgan tends to repeat a piece of analysis until he has something else to say. This was the case when Baker nearly picked off Angels Center Fielder Peter Bourjous, thorughout the rest of the at bat (and it was a long one) Morgan kept explaining again and again how Bourjous beat it.* The other minor flaw I can point out is that Miller, for all his years in the booth, doesn't quite employ the humor the way other announcers do--it's not as though he were reading the news, but he's so consumed with the game that a little ribbing and joshing with Morgan appears out of the question.

*Note: Even this wouldn't be too bad, except it meant we got a lot of close-ups of Peter Bourjous, who--while undoubtedly a nice guy--looked like a mannequin come to life, and not in the "what-an-hilarious-premise-like-that-movie-Mannequin" kind of way but in the "oh-my-god-that-mannequin-can-steal-bases-and probably-my-soul" kind of way.

Best quote: Honestly, I was having so much fun chatting with Leslie, Barry and Jen (a Yankees fan, but please don't hold that against her) that I didn't really hear a great quote from the announcers. However I did manage to call Bourjous: "Johnny Q. Mascara" and Leslie reacted to my plethora of "Minnesotans love Torii Hunter" stories by saying: "Yeah...but you guys have snow...so...you lose"--oh Californians.

Rating: 4.5 Blylevens. (Undoubtedly they are talented, but they aren't your hometown crew. Still, better than most everyone else)

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 3: KANSAS CITY ROYALS

With my return to Minnesota fast approaching I will soon be blocked out of mlb.tv due to blackout restrictions, which means I will soon be forced to suspend my wildly popular* "Clash of the Talking Heads Series". However, once I return to Minnesota I will be able to see games in, you know, person--so I think it turns out as a victory for me.

(*by wildly popular I mean my mom has told me she likes it)

But while sputtering internet connections are still my best chance to watch a game let's welcome two more contestants to the PfH Talking Heads Battle Chamber!

Tonight's Contestants: Ryan LeFebvre and Paul Splitorff of FS-Kansas City.

Credentials: Splitorff was 14 year veteran pitcher with the Royals with a reputation for being a "Yankee Killer" helping the Royals beat the half-Vampires in a couple of games over four different playoff series (which means he has done something our own pitchers can only dream about doing--if they don't wake up with nightmares first). Meanwhile LeFebvre is part of a baseball dynasty and has links to Minnesota as a former Gopher and erstwhile contributer to Twins broadcasts...also his name means "The February" So...that's pretty cool. (Note: Frank White occasionally calls games in place of Splitorff...and this statue of White might be one of the best baseball statues I have encountered in ball park travels.)

Analysis: Competent, solid, steady. These guys aren't going to set your toes-to-tapping but if you get used to them I imagine they would be pleasant enough to spend a season with. Their biggest problem is that they occasionally sound like they're reading off stock quotes rather than calling a ballgame. There's little to no enthusiasm, even in a tense extra-inning game like tonight's, which is hardly surprising when you remember that they are, after all, announcing Royals games. After so many losing seasons, it's a little difficult to feign faith. Still, they share the booth well, and remain positive, avoiding hoary cliches, catch phrases or the kind of jingoistic vitriol we encountered in Chicago. All in all, pretty good.

Best Quote (the most excited they got): LeFebvre: "Hey look, that guy caught a foul ball but gave the souvenir to the kid behind him, if we had a fan of the game, it'd be that fella there"

Splitorff: "Don't know what his date thought of that though, I think she wanted it for herself."

LeFebvre: "Doesn't she have the same pink hoodie you have, Split?"

Splitorff: "I prefer the baby blue, that's more my style, I think."

LeFebre: "That little boy's smile is the biggest one we've seen tonight"

Rating: 3 Blylevens (competency alone makes them the best team I've heard this year, the intangibles of a Yankee Killing pitcher, a Fountain man statue and Mr. The Feburary bump them up another .5 point...if the Royals ever give them something to get excited about they could actually be fun)

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 2: CHICAGO WHITE SOX

We'll have a weekend wrap-up post on the blog soon, but while this afternoon's game (and a conversation with renowned Twins fan, "The Knitting Queen") is still fresh in our memory, it's time for Round Two of Clash of the Talking Heads.

Tonight's contestants: Those Windy City blowhards Ken "Hawk" Harrelson & Steve Stone

Credentials: The White Sox have one of those rare broadcast combinations--two former players, more than that two all-stars, and Stone even has a Cy Young. So clearly they understand the game rather well.

Analysis: The most politic thing to say here is that we'll have to agree to disagree. Having spoken to loyal legume (reader and collaborator) Chris Clark, we've been given to understand that Hawk Harrelson is a Chicago institution. As well he should be, he's often funny and honestly a throwback to an earlier era of announcers, guys who called the whole game by themselves, invented their own patter, became intimately associated with one team and ruled the stadium from on high. The only downside to this is that Hawk Harrelson is not Vin Scully or Ernie Harwell or even Jon Gordon; Hawk Harrelson is more of an unabashed fan than announcer, between his unswerving devotion to his team, his repetitive mockery of all opponents and total inability to restrain himself from employing favored catch-phrases, he's more like a drunken guy three rows back than a professional broadcaster. (Also: Steve Stone exists...that's all I can really say in terms of analysis...Harrelson dominates it)

Best quote(s): "We're in deep doodoo"/"We've got Trouble........right here in River City"--Harrelson

Rating: .5 Blylevens (I admittedly laughed at some comments, just like I do at drunks at the ballgame, but 3.5 hours of that...painful)

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 1: LA ANGELS

After much gnashing of teeth I have finally accessed the MLB.tv streaming of the Twins game from Anahiem. Unfortunately, feeling sickly means I'm going to bed sooner rather than later and will hope that my colleague Stinky covers the game in all its glory tomorrow.

But before I go to bed I thought I would introduce a new feature here on Peanuts from Heaven: The Clash of the Talking Heads. Since I will be forced to watch announcers from other cities on every road trip, I thought I might as well give you (the fans) a taste of how the other half lives. I'll let you know their credentials, analyze their chatter, provide a sample quotation, and rank them on a scale of 0-5 Blylevens (each Blyleven is equal to approximately 28 watts of awesomeness) If anyone can max out the scale, they will earn our grudging respect, and a bag of Raisinettes.

Tonight's Contestants: Victor Rojas and Mark Gubicza of the Angels "FSN-West" team.

Credentials: Gubicza was a 14 year veteran pitcher of moderate success, (and with an infinitely amusing name--just like Blyleven) Rojas is a broadcast rookie from a baseball family in his first big job. And he sounds very very hopeful that he might just become the next legendary announcer of our life times.

Analysis: Not good. They have very forced banter but very little in the way of in depth analysis. They seem to trade off every fifteen seconds: Rojas announces the event, Gubicza explains it, Rojas announces the event Gubicza explains it. There's very little give and take or comfortable questioning, like you might find with Dick and Bert or more rehearsed teams. All of which makes their "playful banter" slightly awkward, like when apparently talked about "rocking the snuggie"

Best quote: "Can I get an extra plate of nachos free with my bling?"--Rojas

Rating: 1 Blyleven (may improve as Rojas settles in...but right now...not so good)

Now for bed. FINGERS CROSSED