Wha Happened #5 (v.s. Rangers and @ Tigers)

Game 20

Rangers 2 - Twins 1

Despite the evening's overlong, numbingly-slow, seemingly interminable catalogue of the talents of others, the Twin Cities were delighted by their own brief shining moment of glory. 

But enough has been written about the Vikings' draft...The Twins also played and saw Josh Willingham hit a homerun in a losing effort to a more talented Rangers squad.

In other news: The Twins front office began declaring their interest in drafting Mantei Te'o with the fourth overall pick in June's draft...just to keep local sportswriters amused for a few more weeks.

Game 21

Rangers 4 - Twins 3

It was a beautiful afternoon in the Twins clubhouse, the perfect time to get in a little extra batting practice, enjoy some of the first sunshine of the spring.

That's when Aaron Hicks noticed a shadow floating off by the electric marquee announcing the night's pitching match up. "OH NO!" He shouted, "You guys! We've got....the...Grimm!"

"Yeah," replied Josh Willingham unconcernedly, "he's a rookie."

"But...the Grimm foretells death and ill fortune for all who see it!!"

"What, did you face him in the minors or something?" asked Joe Mauer.

"No! But I read all about it in Unfogging the Future by Cassandra Vablatsky!"

"Umm...Aaron," replied Justin Morneau, slurping the last of his McDonald's Sweet Tea [ONLY 99 cents AT PARTICIPATING STORES!!] "I think that's only a book in the Harry Potter series." 

"AAAAH!" Shouted Aaron Hicks, grabbing Morneau's cup and swirling around the dregs of the drink as if it were tea leaves, "IT'S THERE...IT'S THERE AGAIN!!! WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!!"

As Aaron Hicks ran around shouting about the disaster to everyone, the heart of the order gathered together. Finally Morneau broke the silence, "I suppose the nice thing to do would be to help Hicksy build some confidence by having his prediction come true...you guys willing to get held scoreless by a rookie startert again?"

"Eh," they responded in unison, "why not?"

So they did...and Aaron Hicks felt better...and Oswaldo Arcia hit another homer...and the game was lost, but the nerdiness was won.

Game 22

Twins 7 - Rangers 2

On their second consecutive beautiful day the Twins started to wonder if playing against the Rangers was really worth it. I mean, couldn't they just play this one quickly, lose (as they probably would anyway) and go home to put their feet up on the deck with a drink in hand and a steak on the grill?

The very happy Mr. Hernandez

But Rookie Pedro Hernandez was delighted to be there, making his second start and first attempt to become part of the "rotation". He kept talking to players in the dugout about "how cool" it was, and that standing on a big league mound was "so sweet!"

When removed from the game after the fifth, Hernandez sat beaming on the bench around other players. "Man you guys this day is just awesome!" [mumble grumble said the team that wanted to go home] "Major league baseball...I mean for REALS!! How cool is this!!?!? [I-du-mumma-grumba said the team who was so over playing every day] "And just think tonight I've got Cloud Cult tickets for me and my best friends!" [Record scratch sound, heads swivel and everybody crowds around Hernandez]

In an effort to impress Hernandez and get those extra tickets, Brian Dozier kept bragging about his "totally amazeballs sac fly", Wilkin Ramirez and Aaron Hicks drove in insurance runs, Josh Willingham smashed a home run to left, and when the bullpen heard about this option Anthony Swarzak, Brian Duensing and Jared Burton turned in scoreless efforts. And even though Glen Perkins gave up 2 runs, Hernandez cheered him up by flashing an extra ticket at him from the top step of the dugout.

And as "Beautiful Day" played on the loud speakers, you could almost hear the glee as Wilkin Ramirez shouted "Let's get out of here and go listen to some experimental local indie art rock!! WOO Cloud Cult!!"

Woo Cloud Cult indeed.

Game 23

Twins 5 - Rangers 0

Sunday was my first day of the season at Target Field, with beautiful sunshine, a well paced game and the chance to see a well-played game. It also allowed me to develop what I think might be the best equation for the Twins surprising .500 record in April

BB*H^2 + (ESKC/CP2012) = LW

That's Bases on Balls (aka Walks) times Hits squared, plus Early Season Kevin Correia-ness* over Craptastic Pitching from 2012 equals a likely Win. The more we do any of these things, the more walks drawn, the more hits attained, the more Early-Season-Kevin-Correia-y our pitching can be and the less craptastically our pitching resembles that of 2012, the better chance we have to win. (And with Willingham getting the walks, Morneau getting the hits and Kevin Correia being Kevin Correia-y this game was a likely win) 

*Note, this is a very special brand of Kevin Correia and can still be used as a stand in for average effectiveness as a pitcher even if/when Correia collapses, after all Scott Diamond has had a very high Early-Season Kevin Correianess quotient throughout his run with the Twins*

ADDED BONUS: A HAIKU FOR THE FOOD I ATE AT THE PARK

The Italian Sausage

First bite of summer

Spices mild as big muddy

Bursts on snow tired tongue

Game 24
Tigers 4 - Twins 3

Having split the series against a very tough Rangers team, the Twins went in to Detroit full of piss, vinegar, and other assorted odd liquids. And to be sure, everything seemed to be going wonderfully, Josh Willingham homered again, Oswaldo Arcia continued to hit the ball hard, and Mike Pelfrey (the bionic reclamation project) seemed to have found a way to get guys out using trickery, guile (and maybe some mixture of piss and vinegar in their gatorade).

But it was not to last...heading into the bottom of the sixth with the top of the order due up Gardy had a premonition that perhaps Pelfrey would need to take a rest. But Pelfrey prevailed upon him telling him in a slightly robotic tone, "come on skip-per...I can get these guys...my arm feels great...I just need some WD-40 to loosen my pitching mechanism...I mean, I just need a 'hot towel' on my 'arm' and I'll get them."

Gardy was concerned, but after Pelfrey corrected himself he was sure things would work out...But Vegetarian crusader Prince Fielder could smell the metal and the grease and the un-eco friendly Pelfrey from a mile away. And with two men on, trailing by two he did what any self-respecting Vegi-citizen would do and lined a homerun to left-center, winning the game for the Tigers and increasing Super Agent Scott Boras' fear that his bionic pitcher project may be a dud...but that Fielder guy will probably make him some money for a long time to come.

Game 25
Tigers 6 - Twins 1

During all of this media reports surfaced that our benevolent chairman Joe Mauer was going through the worst hitting slump of his life. Going 0 for his last 20 entering play Tuesday night. These of course were salacious lies, Mauer (Bringer of Sun to the Snow Plagued Lands) in his infinite genius and wisdom has been redistributing feelings of honor and prosperity to other hitters in the Twins line-up.

"The chairman (praises be to him), has mercifully blessed me with the muscle mass to hit many doubles" reported young Eduardo Escobar, "he truly is the harbinger of victory and a bountiful harvest."

The Detroit Tygra Ace

Enemies still bow before Mauer (provider of Snow in Sun plagued lands). And fear his mighty eyes of laser precision that are the only true judge of strikes and balls (no matter what the puppet umpires of the capitalist conspiracy of pitchers tells you). Witness the Chairman's mighty single against the Man-Tiger Hybrid called Justin Verlander, the American League's greatest weapon of mass destruction.

The Chairman has vowed to honor all of those who have remained loyal to his greatness and destroy Thundera...I mean Comerica on his next visit, just as soon as he figures out why he wants to bomb Austin, Texas.

Game 26
Twins 6 - Tigers 2

Having been bested by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Twins had hoped to get their offense going in the final game on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately they were facing Anibal Sanchez, whom the Twins announcers continue to insist on calling "Anna-belle" Sanchez. The image of Sanchez with a parasol, and a fan on the mound shouting out "I do declare!" was just too dang funny and they laughed their way to 9 strikes and a 3-2 lead thanks largely to swatting at balls while muttering "I don't give a damn".

Good goat...good goat.

Fortunately it was enough as Scott Diamond gave up only two runs and avoided Rich Anderson hugs long enough to get through 6 innings en route to another win and a return to .500!

Mr. Peanut Award: Kevin Correia (easily gave the most impressive single performance of the week...and I've been ignoring him too long...like Sally Field at the Oscars)
Nutty Buddy: Joe Mauer (not that the chairman requires pity...but listing a Nutty Buddy has boosted the fortunes of others before...fingers crossed!)

Our Love Don't Cost a Thing

The long baseball season is finally over, and this year it felt especially long. The Twins stunk...clearly and badly...like moldy limburger, like fermented clouds of Axe Bodyspray, like Scott Boras' soul....they stank, stunk, stinked.

And yet we watched as much as we could. We cheered when they did well, and shook our heads disappointedly after loss 99 just like we did after loss number 1. We found reasons to cheer: a few solid whacks by Mauer and Thome, slick fielding by Denard and Ben Revere, amazing pitching from Liriano and Nathan and of course the innumerable contributions of Plouffe, Hughes, Perkins, Tosoni, Oliveros, Rivera and a bunch of other names we never thought we'd say when the season began.

So, no matter what else happens, we love the Twins, loved cheering them this season and will love them on and on. So when we've heard other people saying that the organization "owes" them, we can't help but cock our head to the side and ask: "Really?"

I tried to do the math, figure out how much one might really spend on being a baseball fan, and then how much of that ends up in the pockets of the biggest scapegoats for this year. If you spend $500 on being a Twins fan, you contribute about $0.10 to Joe Mauer, want him to give it back? You want the penny you contribute to Gardy and Bill Smith...really? Can't you just chalk it up to the incidental costs of loving a team, loving a game and getting 162 days of entertainment a year?

My better half (Stinky) raised a better point. If you buy a ticket to a Twins game, you have to acknowledge that you're taking a risk. Being a fan is like being a stock holder--you buy the stock and you hope it goes up...but you acknowledge it might go down. Buy a ticket to the game and you hope the Twins win, but you acknowledge that they might lose. They could win 162, they could lose 162. If you agree to go, or watch or support the team you have to accept the good and the bad as a risky (but entertaining) investment.

Sure there were times when we wondered if we should just turn the tv off and leave it off the rest of the year, there were times we didn't want to turn on the radio or open a newspaper, or surf to the team site for fear of hearing or seeing another loss in black and white. But tonight, as we drove back from church choir, and heard Cuddy get stranded at third we sighed and groaned, when we heard John Gordon call the "Parmalee flips to Dinkle-Hughes" we laughed and decided that "Dinkleface" is bound to be a nickname for our future utility man. And when Plouffe delivered the walk off hit we cheered, and we'll cheer this winter, and we'll root, root root for the home team.

No questions asked.

Adieu Dear Delmon, Adieu

As we leave Detroit glowing with victory we must now say farewell to the man we traded when we arrived in Michigan: Delmon Damarcus Young.

Several years ago we Peanuts noticed that Delmon had an uncanny ability to reach base in ways that seemed completely implausible. He seemed to lead the team in pop-ups that got lost in the Dome, singles that skidded off of pebbles and following two weak ground outs with a monstrous home run. He seemed to thrive by surprising and distracting the opposition...so we merged the words and claimed that he "supracted" them. Later we realized that the Twins' resident magician should also be a part of this magical art and developed a whole shtick about Cuddyer & Young, Masters of Supraction (TM).

(You can read all about the origin of Supraction here, and see the complete annals of Delmon & Cuddy's supraction-tastic exploits here)

But as Delmon donned a different jersey and Cuddy sat on the bench nursing an injured neck, we wondered how Supraction would survive and thus imagined the following moments.

[In the Tiger dugout before game 1]

Delmon: So yeah, I could totally teach you guys some Supraction-tastic skillz. It'll totally help win the division and maybe even the World Series!

Miguel Cabrera: I don't know, just hitting the ball hard has worked pretty well for me.

Jhonny Peralta: Yeah, and I use the magical powers of my misplaced "h"...I think I'm okay, but maybe the younger guys like Brennan Boesch and Austin Jackson could use it.

Delmon: What do you think coach?

Jim Leyland: [Inaudible mumble, grumble, spit]

Delmon: ...was that a yes or a no?

Jim Leyland: [Grumble, spit, mumble]

Delmon: ...ooookay...here...just watch what it can do...I'm gonna totally supract Liriano in my first at bat because, hey! I'm wearing a different uniform and not in left field...he'll be surprised, he'll be distracted and I'll supract a home run!!

Jim Leyland: [Spit, grumble, mumble, spit]

Of course, Delmon went out and did just that, and Jim Leyland responded by clapping his hands, then mumbling and spitting. The next day, Cuddy, seemed dispirited.

Cuddy: [Sigh]

Jim Thome: Hi there Michael...something troubling you?

Cuddy: Oh, Jim, it's nice of you to ask, but...I don't think you would understand.

Thome: I may not understand, but I'll always listen. C'mon Cuddy...Talk to Thome...

Cuddy: Well, Jim. You know how I like magic and sleight of hand tricks and surprising/distracting the opposition with my myriad skills of awesomeness?

Thome: Boy, I sure do! Your magic is SO COOL!

Cuddy: Well, I used to use those skills to win games with Delmon. And now that he's out there playing for Detroit I just feel...

Thome: Strangely empty in your soul?

Cuddy: Yeah! I mean, I know that Supraction will still be a part of the game, but it will be hard to replicate that old feeling of pure, randomly inspired, Delmon-rific, accidental awesomeness.

Thome: Would you feel better if I tried to Supract people by hitting more homeruns?

Cuddy: Thanks Jim, but your homers are kind of expected...maybe if you suddenly stole third base--

Thome: Yeah.............that ain't gonna happen buddy. But hey, why don't you look for a NEW friend to instruct in the art of Supraction. That way, the spirit of it can live on and on in Twins Territory.

Cuddy: Wow, you really are just, ridiculously awesome aren't you?

Thome: Yeah, pretty much. Wanna hug?

Cuddy: Yes. Yes I do.

And so it was that Cuddy began to search for new masters of Supraction. And in a few short moments he realized that the answer had been standing next to Delmon in the outfield for lo these many months. So yesterday, this happened.

Delmon in the first inning: Doo-de-doo...time to hit the ball really really far, and make all Detroit real happy! [Swings, blasts it to center and starts to trot until Ben Revere snags the ball over his shoulder]...Woah...umm...that was surprising...

Delmon in the fourth inning: Okay...here I go, ready to supract Carl to hell. [Swings and cranks it to right center, begins another double trot only to see Ben Revere run the ball down like a lion running down a gazelle] Woah...did he? What do I...I feel all distracted and...wait a second!

[Delmon turns to the Twins dugout and sees Cuddy grinning at him]

Cuddy: SUPRACTION SUCKA!!!

So Ben Revere, quiet, unassuming, broad-smiling, ball-chasing, catcher-running-over Ben Revere has become the latest student in the art of Supraction. We wish Delmon well teaching Supraction in Detroit, but we're even more excited to see Cuddy take on Revere as his Supraction paduwan.

HUGE News Day in Twins Territory

We were all set to ease back in to the blogging scene with short posts on topics that interest us. One today, one tomorrow, nice and easy. Then the Twins went and flipped the script and had one of the team's biggest news days in recent memory.

The biggest thing to talk about is of course, Jim Thome's 600th Career Home Run. The big blast which put Thome into the rare company of one-name power-hitting legends (Ruth, Mays, Griffey, et. al), also put the Twins on top for good en route to a win (another rare feat, at least in recent weeks). While Jimbo's milestone was not nearly as hyped as Derek Jeter's 3,000th

hit, the coverage of his accomplishment has been great to see and hear. ESPN made it a front page story last night, the New York Times gave it a nice write up, and a host of pundits, commentators and personalities have given kind-hearted credit to the humble country boy who reached this level of achievement.

Watching the event itself live was great, and watching Thome attempt to verbalize the experience shortly afterwards was great in a different way. First an interview with his dad might have been the most adorable thing on Twins TV all year; particularly when Poppa Thome teared up and said "[Jim] has always been special even before he hit baseballs" [Suck on that Field of Dreams!]. Then in his press conference hearing Thome call everything about the experience "cool" almost prompted us to get snarky, but honestly, the whole experience was cool, and if I was in that situation at the culmination of my whole career I'm pretty sure "cool" would be more eloquent than anything I could come up with.

And while Jimbo's big day was down right historic, we would be remiss if we didn't mention that a personal favorite of mine, Delmon Young, got traded to the Tigers. Admittedly, Delmon has not been everyone's favorite Twin, but since I purchased his jersey I felt that I ought to give him my irrational devotion and stubbornly believe that he would suddenly learn to lay off sliders low-and-away and practice more direct routes to flies to left. So, while others pointed out his struggles and failings, I kept cheering, and so I have cheered for the last three-and-a-half years.

Naturally, now that he's out of a Twins uniform I won't watch him as much, or cheer for him as fiercely, but I certainly do wish him the very best as his career continues (as long as it happens against teams other the Twins). And, since he's gone I can now invest all of my irrational fandom into believing that Tsuyoshi Nishioka is about to hit a homerun.

At the end of the day the Twins got the Win, Thome got his milestone, Delmon got a fresh start and we fans got a wildly entertaining day of baseball...it wasn't how we planned to get back into the blogging habit...but it was a lot of fun and it prompts just one question:

Can we do that again?

Mr. Clutch

For the first time in 6 years the Twins won two games based on game-winning RBI's by the same player delivered after the 7th inning. The last player to do this was Jacque Jones, today it is Danny Valencia. While I'm well aware that statisticians and serious baseball writers insist that there is no such thing as "Clutch" hitting. Good and bad hitters will hit at the same rate with runners on base, with bases empty, with no outs, with two outs, with a two run lead, trailing by four, in the second inning or the twenty-second. This, is probably true.

But things that are true belong on other blogs, we prefer the impractical, illogical, imagined dream of the game--if only because that's the kind of game that we find most enjoyable. So while others will tell you not to get too excited about Danny V's sudden surge of timely hitting, we want you to buy in...and hopefully buy this product that Danny himself would like to introduce...Danny?

Thank you Peanuts--I'm proud to use this setting to announce my new, and utterly chimerical business venture. And to do so, I'm going to ask you readers to hear my words swoon off the screen as I whisper them gruffly and look broodingly into the camera.

Twins fans, they say that clutch doesn't exist; they say it is a foolish dream; they say it's a figment of your imagination.

They are wrong.

Sure, there's no mathematical equation for clutch...but there is a chemical one...and it can be yours as it has always been mine.

Peanuts from Heaven is proud to introduce

CLUTCH

The new fragrance by Danny Valencia

Available next to Dumbledore's Powdered Unicorn Horn at all Peanut From Heaven Superstores

WWFFS?

If you saw our twitter feed yesterday (or on the right hand nav there) you'll see that we went to Target Field yesterday...and not just Target Field...an Event Suite in Target Field.

While this was probably a one time occurrence (unless a lottery ticket pays off or we write the great American novel in our spare time, it was absolutely amazing to sit back and soak up the joys of a day at the ballpark, with friends, family and 40,000 fellow fans. As if it wasn't enough to appreciate all that, we got to do it from an air conditioned box with plenty of hot dogs, complimentary popcorn and more cookies & brownies than even a rampaging horde of teenagers could consume.

This, my brother Simon would tell you is America at it's best. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Watching TC bounce around the field in his Uncle Sam gear, and cheering Brian Duensing's surprising shut-out (not to mention Danny & Cuddy's long-ball-a-palooza), left me to wonder...what would the founding fathers say [WWFFS] if they could see how we celebrate independence today?

Then I imagined this conversation in the seats around me:

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie! This is totally awesome!!

James Madison: True General! Who would have thought that our humble nation would expand thus westward, stretch yea skyward, and develop diversions so rapturous as to ensorscle the mind and senses?

Thomas Jefferson: I would have...I bought this place.

James Madison: Thomas, just because you bought Lousiana doesn't mean you bought...

Thomas Jefferson: Excuse me? I knew that our ever expanding populace would need more land to exercise their freedom and liberty. Therefore I purchased this land from Napoleon, therefore people explored and settled on it, therefore I am responsible for all of this awesomeness that you see...me...myself...I.

James Madison: But...

Thomas Jefferson: T-JEFF IN THE HOUSE!!!

George Washington: Who is that grandfatherly chap who keeps drinking milk on yon jumbotron? He exudes the fortitude of character and strong bones of natural leader.

Thomas Paine: That is Ronald Gardenhire, General. I should know...he is also a man of Common Sense! Ha HaHA! Ha.......Dost thou get my jest?!?

George Washington: Of course Thomas, but pray, don't be that dude, the Adamses are bad enough.

John Adams & Sam Adams: [Drunkenly staggering around] Red SAAWWWWXXXXX!!!! $*%& YOU DAMON!!! $*%&ING TRAITOR!!! BIG PAPI'D KICK YER AAAASSSSSSS!!!!!!!

John Adams: Get anudder beeeear Sammy.

Sam Adams: You get it...I made it...

John Adams: I was President...

Sam Adams: Yeah...fer just FOUR YEARS!! [John and Sam Adams start fighting]

George Washington: My but it's fun to watch that Revere lad run, wouldn't you say?

James Madison: Indeed sir, I wonder if he's any relation the Boston silversmith?

Thomas Paine: Unlikely James, Mr. Revere had an altogether different complexion

Thomas Jefferson: Yeah...they couldn't possibly be distantly related through forbidden love...

John & Sam Adams: Paul Revere's a #*%&!#_%&%!#%*^!@*&$^!@*%&

James Madison: OH MY! Did you see that play by Master Cuddyer! He leapt like an antelope and snared it with inestimable grace!

Thomas Jefferson: Indeed, it was rather impressive...though not quite as impressive as my invention of the dumbwaiter, which inspired the elevator which brought our fine catered meal to us this evening!

Thomas Paine: Thomas...

Thomas Jefferson: Do you doubt me? Have you forgotten that my quill coined the phrases that we honor this day? Have you forgotten that I begat the public university system from whence our youths have continuously developed their wisdom and the architectural schema of this very coliseum? What have you done to led our nation to this moment, T-Paine, other than write a dull pamphlet and invent auto-tuning?

Thomas Paine: Actually...that was the other T-Pain.

Thomas Jefferson: I thought so...now if you'll excuse me...[walks towards next box] Hello ladies, you can call me T-Jeff, what digits might I use to call you?

James Madison: It's okay, Thomas, you know T-Jeff...he's...well...

Ben Franklin: He certainly is. Now come men, you should eat more of these fine Hessian sausages. I had expected more Francophile cuisine to survive through the ages. But apparently the French, like my aphorisms, stink after 200 hundred years or so. What say you General Washington?

George Washington: I swear this Thome fellow used to deliver my morning news when he was a lad!

In case it's not clear from this rather silly set of dialogue, I'm a big nerd who not only loves baseball but also American history, and gently ribbing the founding fathers (they didn't want to be kings or nobles, I think they'd allow it).

The Daylight Ride of Ben Revere

It was great to see the Twins come away with a win today, a series victory and a (miraculously) winning road trip. And while the 9th inning home run off of Matt Capps was a little demoralizing it was great to watch as Ben Revere channeled the ghosts of fleet-footed outfielders past.

Photo Credit: Mark Duncan

A lot of people have likened Revere to Denard Span, what with the slap hitting and excellent range, others have said the smile seems more Kirby Puckett-esque, then again he also has the same number that Jacque Jones used to wear and he's already sparking the offense the way that Torii Hunter seemed to in his early days. But if you ask me I think that he's most like a certain 18th century Boston Silversmith/Rounders Deep-fielder/Patriot: Paul Revere.

The first big play, a solid single up the middle to knock in the game's first run was great. You could almost see him using that hit to tell young Cord Phelps and All-star-to-be Asdrubal Cabrera the same thing that Paul Revere told the British: "don't even try to catch me, because you can't take away our arms! [or in this case our arms or our bats]"

And then in the sixth inning, as he doubled, stole second, and came home on a Morneau double you could easily imagine him ringing those bells and riding his horse and firing warning shots just like Paul Revere. (Only of course his horse was invisible and he wasn't allowed to fire a gun or ring bells...if only Paul Revere had used some kind of light based technology I could liken say two lanterns to his smile....)

And in the 10th, his single to left said with certainty that Drew Butera would be secure/safe at home and that we would be free of our losing ways and be armed...like a private militia...maybe...

Okay, so maybe it's not a perfectly symmetrical connection, (after all I'm basing my knowledge of Paul Revere on the diatribe that was bandied about in the news all week). But I mean, c'mon do you think the recent surge in news about Revere's both past and present is really just a coincidence and not an obvious sign that Ben Revere is some sort of distant relative/reincarnation of the legendary horse rider? [Cast your vote in the poll at the right!]

No matter how you slice it, Ben Revere played great today, the Twins came away with a series win in Cleveland, and the tyranny of negativity surrounding the local 9 seems to be fading (at least for the moment).

Dr. Cakeburn's Delicious Arsenal

At some point, in the long ago archives of this blog, Stinky and I decided that Nick Blackburn was the Twins pitcher with enough determination and pitching savvy to not only win ballgames but to accomplish these feats using baked goods. Last night, in our dark and dreary hour of need Dr. Cakeburn once again came to deliver a much needed complete game victory. How did he do it? Through his delectable arsenal of pitches of course! Here now, the Dr. Cakeburn display case of pitches.

Chocolate Fondant Fastball (with liquid center and raspberry seams)--Chocolate is delicious, melting chocolate is extra delicious, chocolate + melting chocolate + raspberries = most delicious and dangerous fastball ever.

Zebra Cake Sinker (See image of Blackburn at top of post)--a little junky, chock-full-o-preservatives--but impossible for hitters not to lunge at.

Chewy Chunky Change-up Cookie--A classic that appeals to everyone (has unfortunate side effect of getting smacked out of the ballpark, as in Miguel Olivo's homerun last night)

Rhubarb Crumble Curveball--If you've ever tried to eat rhubarb crumble with a straw you have some idea of how hard it is to hit this pitch when it's working right.

(Side note: Why did I try to eat rhubarb crumble with a straw?)

The "Can-of-Whoop(ie)-Ass Pie" aka Slider--A little whimsical, a little badass, all delicious.

Dr. Cakeburn used all these pitches (except the Chewy cookie) to great effect last night and in the process beat Doug Fister; whom he had "hooked-up" with last season. (We assume that Bert meant this in a totally non-suggestive way...but it sure seemed like there was an awkward tension while both were warming up in the bullpen, and I swear I saw Blackie tell Fister "I never wrote because I thought you'd never write back.")

Seriously though, congrats to Nick Blackburn and the rest of the boys on a much needed win; especially with Blackburn's house and home perilously close to the most recent outbreak of tornadoes in Oklahoma. You're a fine man Nick Blackburn, an excellent pitcher and one heck of a diabolical genius/baker.

Happy Delmon Young Day!!

So...last night was awesome, and though our record is still less than sterling, a come from behind win in the Bronx sweetens this whole road trip dramatically. Best of all it came at the hands of Peanuts from Heaven favorite Delmon Young. We've advocated for Delmon before, believing him to be cooler than others thought. We've seen his ability to surprise the opposition and causing so much distraction in the enemy that they are invariably lost within their own minds. (We call this the art of Supraction (TM)--a talent Young shares with Michael "Magic-Man" Cuddyer, and their pet albino tiger)

So when Del blooped a double to right field and supracted Rope Necklace Aficionado Nick Swisher to tie the game, there was much jubilation among we Peanuts. Even more so when Batgirl (the inspirational godmother to this blog) declared today DELMON YOUNG DAY! And because around here we do whatever Batgirl says, we'd like to offer this song to help everyone sing the legend of Delmon Young. {Note: We started this last night on twitter, and envision it as set to the music that starts at 30 seconds, here.}

Attend the Tale of Delmon Young

He beat New York when a bat he swung

He broke the hearts of all Yankee fans, and excitedly ruined their dastardly plans

He stung the ball as few have stung....did Delmon Young

The Yankee Slayer in Left Field!

He plied his trade at Target Field

And there his talent seemed concealed

But in the Bronx he showed his stuff, and proved that the Twins were actually tough

Did Delmon....yes Delmon Young

The Yankee Slayer in Left Field!

Swing your bat and crush, Delmon, make those jerkwads blush!

Delmon beats the punks whose cleats have terrorized!

Attend the tale of Delmon Young

Who made the Yankees feel like dung

Then taught his mates to score some runs, for he wouldn't want to have all of the fun

Not Delmon...not Delmon Young

The Yankee Slayer in Left Field

HAPPY DELMON YOUNG DAY!!

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 7: TORONTO BLUE JAYS

At last we have triumphed over the Blue Jays. And now we are free to return to the land of normal bacon, English measurements, currency not named after ducks and jokes about the Queen. Watching these games was a chore in part because they went so poorly, and in part because I'm still away from Minnesota and can only watch games via MLB.tv. The plus side is this means one last month of posts that show Twins fans what it's like to watch our boys on through the words of other announcers.

Tonight's Contestants: Pat Tabler and Buck Martinez of Rogers Sportsnet

Credentials: Buck Martinez is another baseball lifer. He played the game for twenty years (1967-1987) as a catcher for lesser known, little watched squads in Kansas City, Milwaukee and Toronto, making one trip to the post-season. He's managed the game (including a stint in Toronto at the dawn of the aughts) and has broadcast games with ESPN, TBS and now back in Toronto [Sidenote: fans of EA Sports might remember Buck Martinez as the play-by-play announcer for the baseball games in the 90s...I know the history of the phrase "a can of corn" because every eighth play in those games Buck Martinez explained the etymology of that phrase] Martinez's color-commentator is Pat Tabler, who won a world series with the Blue Jays in 1992 and was a great clutch hitter (.500 with the bases loaded).

Analysis: Competent. Steady. Reliable. A little bland. (Not unlike Canada itself!) With two hitters in the booth they really can't analyze much of the pitching, but do a good job noting the defensive shifts, base running decisions, and hitting styles of all players. They don't really get into any chummy chatter, nobody tells jokes, they simply talk about the game, and when you're full of the rampant enthusiasm of a new season and a new coach it's easy to concentrate on the game. They don't deride the other team, but they don't really mention much more than talking points. They're at their most excited anytime a player hits a fly ball to the outfield, assuming (like many Toronto fans it seems) that fly ball = home run...every time it doesn't turn out they seem slightly surprised.

Sample Quote: Martinez: And BAUTISTA hits it back to CENTER FIELD!!!...Span going back!!!........Makes the catch short of the warning track...one out.

Rating: 2.5 Blylevens. There's nothing wrong with competency--it's important to have. It's just a little less engaging than personality. (My sour mood during blow out games probably doesn't help...but still...)

Reactions to the Division Title

While it was a stirring triumph at Target field today, the big story today is, and will continue to be the fact that the Minnesota Twins have won the American League Central. While many people saw this as a forgone conclusion, it didn't stop several hundreds of fans from staying to cheer when the champagne corks popped.

But even if you didn't stay up to celebrate, chances are you're pretty happy today. And you're not alone, all throughout Twins Territory there's much smiling, cheering and pride in our triumph. Below is a sampling of reactions to the title from a range of Minnesotans:

Winona Ryder (actress): "The Twins won? Oh, that's great! You know...that reminds me about something funny that happened on the set of my new movie!...."

Walter Mondale (former Vice President): "Hells yes mutha-truckah!!! That's how we roll 'Sota-Style, son!!! UNGH! Yo, Rockerfeller! I whupped you at VP-ing, I'll whup you post-season, PUNK!!"

Bob Dylan (musician): "mummlewummlezweeezilezwazzleZWAY!"

Garrisson Kiellor (writer): "Truly this autumn bloom, sprung from blush of spring, shines and will shine in our memories today, tomorrow and ever after. For in memory we find eternal sunshine and summer and the smell of hot dogs and the sound of a laughing, roaring crowd whose joy sustains us through the long winters of our discontent. For what is joyous today becomes no less joyful as sepia tones etch them in our minds...........Basically, I'm happy is what I'm saying."

Brett Favre (athlete): "Uhhh....football?"

...and finally, speaking for pretty much everyone I'll quote my partner in crime Stinky:

"CLINCH!!!YAAAY!!!!"

Well done Twins you earned it!

Pretty good night...

Gotta admit, any night spent with a pennant race is a fun night, but last night, after hours of thesis work, that game was particularly enjoyable. Managing to mute Hawk Harrelson was fun; calling my parents and hearing their play-by-play several seconds ahead of the MLB.tv feed was even more fun and over the course of the night I learned several things about my parents:

1. My dad (NA) and I are pretty comfortable swearing in the middle of a play (Beckham's dropped force out), but not at all in casual conversation. (I might be a masters candidate, but that doesn't mean he can't give me a whupping if he so chooses.)
2. My mom (The Knitting Queen) roots according to her moral compass, as is evidenced by her "c'mon Jesse strike out Ramirez and sit all these Chicagoans down. CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER!!!!"
3. NA's love of Yoga-based serenity still allows him to laugh at the karmic retribution of Rios dropping Span's double.
4. The Knitting Queen is quite techno-savvy (she even learned how to follow a certain Tweeter whose re-emergence from her bat-cave bring much happiness to our souls!)

But despite all this joy, and the win I want to again remind everyone that IT'S NOT OVER YET! so cool your jets ESPN, Star Trib, Chicago Tribune, and all manner of other punditry. As our man Denard said: "We still have business to finish." What is that business Denard? "we've got to hopefully...kill their dreams"

If anyone can kill dreams, I'd put money on Denard, skulking in the shadows of White Sock minds, pouncing while the White Sox are happily asleep, dreaming of Bud Light with Lime waterfalls, and new disgusting ways to grow facial hair. Once inside these dreams, Denard will triumph...for he is our ninja:

Another victory for low expectations

After what Stinky so accurately described as Thursday night's crapfest, we held a heavenly peanuts confab at which we discussed just how badly this weekend's series with the Rangers would be. The general consensus was that Target Field would probably blow up, and that flying monkeys would probably be implemented at some point (to tear apart the straw man known as JJ Hardy).

This was all before we discovered that Matt Fox was going to start the game. For those who don't know Matt Fox's story: he is currently looking for work after the end of a 6 year stint on the epic sci-fi series Lost. And despite an Emmy nomination for Best Actor in a drama, he appears to be at an impasse in his career...so, reasoned the Twins, we might as well use this untested rookie to start a crucial September game against a division leading rival. (After learning of this, we Peanuts merely hoped that a few players escaped the vortex of suck swirling around Target Field.)

And yet! Things turned out rather well...Matt Fox (and his trademark heavy breathing) made it 5 innings, the offense churned out some clutch hits and we won the game.

But before we all throw our hands in the air, and wave them about like we just don't care...remember, the lower your expectations are, the better surpassing them will be. We still don't expect to win a game, and remain concerned about explosions, vortexes and flying monkeys. So Twins, just stop those three things from happening, and you'll have a happy pair of Peanuts--and happy peanuts are delicious peanuts.

So much baseball! A return to Caption Action

I'm hoping that Stinky will be able to blog about the awesomeness that was our one and only night at the ballpark together this summer, which occured on Saturday, but as we went to a movie Friday and since I was on the road all-day Sunday (and therefore didn't see much of either other game) I can only think of one way to justly capture our series with the A's--taking AP images and offering snarky captions to summarize the events that occured.

Game 1: Friday

Danny Valencia scores on a suicide squeeze. Random dude in the stands does the YMCA all by himself!

Twins 4--A's 3

Game 2: Saturday

3rd Base Umpire Adrian Johnson: "I don't care what ESPN says, I'm right and you're wrong"

A's Manager Bob Geren: "Nu-uh!"

Adrian Johnson: "Yeah-huh"

Bob Geren: "Nu-uh"

Adrian Johnson: "Yeah-huh!"

Denard Span [thinking]: "Wow that is a fascinating 3rd baseman's glove"

Stinky and Scruffy: "Pssh! Gardy would have gotten ejected by now! SHOW THIS AMATEUR HOW IT'S DONE GARDY!!!"

Twins 2--A's 0

Game 3: Sunday

Slowey: "It would be cool to throw a no-hitter, but if I did there would be all kinds of dumb headlines like: "Slo-Slo's No-No" or "sNOwey" or "Slno-lno". For the good of grammatical logic everywhere, I will not complete this game."

Twins 4--A's 2

A week in retrospective

Okay--so this last week has been a little busy here on the ol' home front. So let's try to do this as best we can:

Here's the last week in Minnesota Twins action

Wednesday the 4th--Delmon Young continued a ground balls hit just hard enough to avoid rally killing double plays and adding to his RBI total and our win total

Thursday the 5th--While Stinky worked at a--what do you call it: Job?--Scruffy felt a terrifying sense of impending doom. (Ron Mahay's alien arm will do that to you) Then Scruffy's mom (the Knitting Queen) made two predictions:

1) "The baseball gods, in their infinite wisdom, will not allow the Twins to lose this game when they so clearly should have won it. Sure, we may have gotten deprived of other games, but this one we clearly deserved to win and so...win it we will."

2) "We will score two runs in the 9th. I don't know how, but we will."

And low and behold we did score two runs, thanks to a suprising/distratcing double off the catwalk, The Knitting Queen was proved prescient, Scruffy no longer felt doomed and Stinky got a welcome distraction from work

Friday the 6th--Bad waitress, bad game. No more to say about that.

Saturday the 7th--Then Jason Kubel hit a home run to remind us all that running is stupid, and Carl Pavano's (and his mustache) saved the day again.

Sunday the 8th--Instead of watching the game, Stinky and Scruffy went to see Inception. Presumably the Twins beat the Indians by invading Shin Soo-Choo's dreams and convincing him to spin a top...or something...

Monday the 9th--Day-off in Chicago, the Twins snuck into a posh restaurant in enemy territory by posing as "Abe Froman: Sausage King of Chicago"

Tuesday the 10th--To celebrate the birthday of Scruffy's older brother (Chicago resident/Twins Fan) Scruffy arranges for fireworks set off by the Twins line-up. Unfortunately the team assumes that this was a metaphorical request and therefore only hits home runs rather than actually lighting fireworks.

Wednesday the 11th--Despite the haunting quack of "Swarzak" the Twins use Glen Perkins in the middle of a playoff race--the result is a foregone conclusion.

Thursday the 12th--Deprived of television, Stinky and Scruffy listen to the radio and are forced to chew their fingernails throughout Francisco Liriano's Bogus Journey in the 5th and 6th innings...but victory is achieved and all is made well.

And that brings us up to today. The Knitting Queen is off to the game tonight, and Scruffy, Stinky and Scruffy's little brother will be off to the game tomorrow night. Then Scruffy returns to Ohio and Stinky heads to Montana...but we'll be here...maybe not every day, but as often as we can be.

Until then,

The Peanuts from Heaven

Back on the Rubber Again

In honor of the amazingly resurgent Francisco Liriano we offer this set of alternate lyrics to "Back in the Saddle Again" by Gene Autry. Because who better than the Singin' Cowboy (big baseball fan and former Angels owner) to explain the joys of our beloved 'Cisco Kid?

I'm back on the rubber again

Out where a Twin is a Twin

Where all I really need

Is a measly one run lead

Back on the rubber again

Just like it was before

Rulin' the mound once more

Where I strike out guys all night

And this lefty's always right

Back on the rubber again

Whoopi-ty-aye-oh

Don't mess with Ol' Cisco

Back on the rubber again

Whoopi-ty-aye-yay

That's the way we play

Back on the rubber again

Best of luck to the boys tonight as they try to stop the beams of light in Tampa Bay.

Dear Matt Capps,

Hi! Welcome to the Minnesota Twins and to our blog, where we offer loving encouragement of the Twins and snarky disparagement of their opponents.

We don't know much about you. We know your name. We know that you used to play in Washington DC (which, fyi: does not get a vote in congress, so congrats on getting a meaningful vote again). And we know that you came to us in exchange for everybody's favorite superfluous catcher: Wilson Ramos, so we hope you are as good as he is.

We also know that you helped us beat the Seattle Mariners last night, for this we are grateful. The Mariners always seem to work a woeful mojo on us, using tearful poetry and over priced coffee to make us as depressed as your average Seattle resident, and then sneaking across the plate with the winning run. You did not allow this to happen last night. Thank you.

We wish you best of luck with the rest of your season, and if you would like cookies feel free to ask....they may not be good but they will be...something.

Sincerely,

The Peanuts from Heaven

Feeling Guilty

This is Zack Grienke--or actually it's Zack Grienke's head photoshopped onto the body of a Thundercat for my own amusement.

I did this photoshop because 1) it amused me, 2) the Thundercats are the coolest alien/animal/action hero cartoon characters ever, 3) Zack Grienke's about the only Royal who is talented enough to merit association with the Thundercats.

Unfortunately for the Kansas Citizens, Zack Grienke's awesomeness, so apparent and awe inspiring last year have been in woefully short supply this year as you might be able to tell from the fact that the Twins made Mr. Grienke and all his little powder blue buddies run home crying last night. We hope that Greinke's excellent pitching will return soon...preferably when he has to play against the White Sox...and the Tigers...and really anyone who's not us.

Now, we could spend the rest of this blog talking about how awesome Mauer is, or opining on Delmon Young's .427 batting average this month, or pointing out that Danny Valencia may secretly be Batman, but that would be gloating. And the last time we gloated after a victory bad things happened--bad things called "losses to the Cleveland Indians". So we will keep shtum for our own good.

But, in addition to covering our own butts, we want to be nice to those teams who are a little unhappy right now--and there are a lot of them in the AL Central. The Indians, deprived of their King; the Royals, deprived of their ace; the Tigers deprived of their hits by Matt Garza; the White Sox...okay we don't want to be nice to the White Sox...but to everybody else: "we are sorry things are hard right now. But they will get better, you will be happier and no matter what, we still like you. Now how about a hug? What? You don't want to hug this blog? Okay...I can respect that...[awkward silence, cough]"

Anyway! Well done Twins, now you play nice with those poor boys in Kansas City.

An EPIC DUCKING WIN over Toolishness

Just savor that image a little while longer. Hugs...lots of hugs...and Jim Thome, ol' man Jim Thome looking like he's just found a pony wrapped up under a christmas tree made of ice cream. Jim Thome looks like he's oh so happy to beat the White Sox, because we all are!

We won. We won against the White Sox. We won after being down 3 runs in the 9th inning. We won after losing the first game of this series which knocked us to 4.5 games out of first. We won against perhaps the sketchiest looking pitcher in the entire American League.

(Seriously, I'm sure Freddy Garcia's a nice guy, but seriously? Can you tell which one of the guys pictured on either side of this paragraph is a Jersey Shore cast member, and which is the afore mentioned White Sox pitcher?)

Another beautiful moment in this victory was the fact that the biggest hits in the 9th came from Cuddy and Delmon, our dearly beloved Masters of Supraction (TM). It was almost as though they were hitting Jersey Shore style toolishness in the face (assuming that an abstract concept have a metaphorical face).

Honestly, I can easily imagine this trash talk conversation:

Cuddy, Delmon or any Twins Hitter really: "Forsooth, I shall smite thy pitch Sir Tool."

Bobby Jenks, Freddy Garcia, any White Sox Pitcher: "You better not hope I don't find out your name, bro!!!!!!!"

Twins Hitter: "My name is on the back of my jersey good sir...now please throw a pitch."

[Pitch is thrown, hit is made, yelling continues]

White Sox Pitcher: "GET THE F*#^ OUT OF HERE BRO, THAT'S ONE SHOT KID!"

Twins Hitter: "Aye, verily, 'tis only one shot...but it has foiled your plans...fare thee well and might I add: Nyeah-nyeahnyeah-NYEAH!!!"

In short victory is awesome, so let's revel in that one more time:

Sigh...awesome...SO awesome

(P.s. If you haven't yet, vote for the Twins Pepsi Refresh Project, or any Pepsi Refresh Project really...well done MLB, well done)

Nail Bitin'

So Stinky and I actually got to *watch* the baseball game last night (it was a big moment for two people who have forgone cable in the name of education...or more accurately two people who can't afford both cable tv and eating on a student's income).

A couple of thoughts:

1) Delmon is a talented athlete, which is nice to see after so many years of little mincing feet, the big fella can lope around there pretty well.

2) My Smoke Monster sound effects aren't so much ominous as they are random and chaotic..not unlike the smoke monster himself!

3) Life is a whole lot easier for baseball fans when your pitching isn't awful. Witness: Innings 1-8, everything was fine! Frankie pitched very very well, then Matty G. got him out of a jam. But when our tattooed closer turned into Johnny the Grauch (all covered with garbage and stinking up the joint) we were forced to turn to our old pal, Jesse Crain. (See picture below)

Jesse's a nice dude, he's friendly and amenable and certainly better than 98.9% of the world at playing baseball...but sadly he's been struggling a lot lately with the 1.1% he actually plays against. So much as we like him, seeing him in the bull pen was cause for a whole lot of: "No, no! Please oh please oh please NO!"

And yet he entered and what's more he conquered! He did so well in fact that we must revive our old nickname for Jesse: "Ze UBER MENSCH!"--because he's not just a nice guy, he's an UBER nice guy! And also, with the bald head and goatee we can see him going toe-to-toe with Niezche pretty easily.

So in honor of Ze Ubermensch, raise your steins Twins Territory and contemplate the infathomable nothingness of the Black Uniforms worn by the White Sox...it may perhaps seem contradictory to wear black when the word "white" is in your name, but perhaps the perplexing paradigm of binary forces (day-night, black-white, good-Chicago) which necessitates the existence of said Pale Hosers in order to fully appreciate the beauty of Twins baseball.

Or maybe baseball's just awesome. Yeah...let's go with that.