Terry Ryan's Secret Plan

Many of you may be looking at the Twins roster for opening day and wondering: "where the hell are the prospects?"

Sure, we've been told again and again that we're about to get a huge influx of talent. And sure, we've been told that the children are our future. But the young players coming north: Danny Santana, Kennys Vargas, Oswaldo Arcia, Kyle Gibson...we've seen them all before...and the people we haven't seen: Blaine Boyer? Kurt Suzuki? Tim Stauffer? Are not the world changing prospects we've been asked to bank on.

So, you may be a little frustrated. I'm a little frustrated. Until I realized that this is all part of Terry Ryan's Secret Plan.

We at Peanuts from Heaven have found a secret ad written, directed and produced by Terry Ryan. What follows is a transcript of that ad.

TWINS SECRET COMMERCIAL

[Ext. Day, Terry Ryan, wearing a completely respectable suit is walking toward the camera from Right Field]

SANE TERRY. Hi. I'm Sane Terry, from Sane Terry's House of Fiscally Viable Veterans here with totally reasonable deals on all your veteran baseball player needs.

[Cut to. Int. Twins Clubhouse, Sane Terry walks past empty lockers]

SANE TERRY. For years, the Minnesota Twins have been giving the aging and seemingly ineffective baseball players of America a chance to hit rock bottom. Once they do that, they are ripe for the picking...your picking.

[Cut to. Close Up, Terry Ryan turned to face new camera]

SANE TERRY. Are you a team with six valid starting pitchers? Why not trade for one of our many rotation candidates as insurance in case of injury, theft, or spontaneous combustion?

[Cut to. Opposite angle Terry Ryan turned to face new camera]

SANE TERRY. Are you a team who wishes their young players could learn from a cautionary example? Why not trade for one of our jaded-former-prospects whose shattered dreams has left them a shell of their former selves.

[Cut to. Original Angle Terry Ryan turned to face new camera]

SANE TERRY. You can get all your valuable veterans for low, low prices. Just ask these satisfied customers.

[Cut to Neal Huntington smiling in front of PNC Park in Pittsburgh]

HUNTINGTON. Our team used to be a joke, but once we just started picking Terry's discarded pitchers off the scrap heap, we had all the support we could ever need!

[Cut to Buck Showalter at the dugout railing of Camden Yards]
SHOWALTER. If someone has "former-Twin" on their resume, you can bet that they'll be a below-average starter, but an irrationally great resource for your post season run! Thanks to Sane Terry, I might not be fired right before my team wins the World Series!

[Cut to Sane Terry reclining in his office at Target Field, the camera takes in a view of the field]
SANE TERRY. We know you can get brand new ballplayers from many sources. But Crazy Billy's Coliseum of Deals always seems to have ulterior motives, and the next Miami Marlins Fire Sale isn't scheduled until November 2016, so why not come on down to Sane Terry's House of Fiscally Viable Veterans and see what we have on offer?

[Cut to, reverse Angle, the camera takes in a view of the hallway]
SANE TERRY. You don't have to give up the farm, just a young kid with upside, or downside, or cash...we like cash. And we like to give these veteran ball players a new lease on life. That's why we'll always have them on the roster, and always have them available, because that's what made us successful all these years.

ANONYMOUS INTERN [While walking by Terry's door]. Huh? What do you mean? We haven't been successful. And the older players rarely if ever help us. And when we trade them we almost never get anything of value.

SANE TERRY. Well, you know what they say, "the definition of sanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result."

ANONYMOUS INTERN. Actually I think that's the definition of insanity.

SANE TERRY. Ha. Ha. If that were true, I would be Crazy Terry...and I am clearly Sane Terry. It says so on this ad.

ANONYMOUS INTERN. What ad? And who are you talking to?

SANE TERRY. Sane Terry's House of Fiscally Viable Veterans. Call now and get Mike Pelfry right before he finalizes his deal with the devil for one more good season.

[Fin.]

Cliff Notes to the 2014 Twins: "The Cruelest Month"

We know how it is. Life is busy: with work and family and social engagements, there are a lot of demands on your time. So, if you've missed some developments in the first month of the season, you're perfectly normal. Missing baseball games is not unlike missing reading assignments for school, so we're happy to provide this series of Cliff Notes to summarize, explain and analyze the story that is the 2014 Twins Season.

"Chapter I: April"

Summary: At the beginning of the season, the Twins are a team in the doldrums of an interminable struggle for meaning and purpose, like the Joads on the road to California, the Crachit's on December 23rd, or the Kardashians...anytime. As they take the field for the first time in a cold and forbidding Chicago, there are few notes of spring (a symbol of hope) to be found. 

While an initial flurry of subpar performances and predictable defeats confirm that perception, there are some causes for optimism. One impressive pitcher and three solid hitters offer the sense that younger, less experienced players possess a kind of indefatigable patience and ethic that renews the spirits of weary souls. Soon, jaded on lookers are speaking in positive tones, and the initially laughable albatross of the manager's "1,000 Victory" humidor is forgotten.

Yet uncertainty pervades the atmosphere, will these younger talents maintain their performance or flame out like those common symbols of youthful exuberance in literature: foolhardy soldiers and mid-90s boy-bands? Will older veterans act on the model set by their juniors, or lapse into old habits?

Notable Characters:

Kyle Gibson--long standing Twins prospect, recovered from initial struggles in the previous year to post the best season of the major league starters

Brian Dozier--Southern gentleman second baseman with inexplicable, and heretofore unknown strength.

Chris Colabello--a journeyman, young by world standards, old within the context of his career, leading a charmed existence.

Josmil Pinto--The third potent hitter, very much in the "quiet giant" genre of characters.

Ron Gardenhire--The wise teacher/sensei/jedi master trope, only with less inventive nicknames

Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins--Two of the wearily-souled veterans, capable but worn by the past. They do not perform much in this chapter, but are likely to factor more prominently as the book progresses

Mike Pelfry--While the novel lacks an antagonist, Pelfry serves as its foil and counterpoint. Every strong outing from Gibson, every hit from the sluggers is balanced by his ongoing collapse, balancing the new life of the season and players with a "memento mori"--or death omen.

Key Quotes Explained:

Team On Base Percentage .353 (#1 in the American League)--The statistic combining both hits (traditionally a Twins strength) and walks (a new focus) demonstrates the growth and development of the team as they grow into a more patient, mature team.

Team ERA for Starters: 6.08 (#15 in American League)--Despite one pitcher's success, the team continues to flounder in this particular area--the ominous presence of Pelfry has particular relevance here.

A Literary Device to Impress Your Teacher/attractive English Major Friends:

Bildungsroman--This is the term for a novel that covers the moral or mental growth of its main character (in this case the Twins), or as people less fond of German might say it "a-coming-of-age-story". At this point in the season, the Twins of 2014 very much resemble a bildungsroman, both in the development and maturation of younger players (Gibson, Dozier, Josmil), inexperienced players (Colabello), and in team philosophy (increasing the walk rate and on base percentage). However, it is notable that the bildungsroman motif must be maintained for an extended time period--and a single chapter may be a little early to make that decision.

Wha' Happened #8 (@ Kansas City & Washington, v.s. Philadelphia & Detroit)

Look out ladies!

Game 57
Twins 3 - Royals 0
Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can.

Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies...

Game 58
Royals 4 - Twins 1
In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone]

Game 59
Royals 7 - Twins 3
I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!!


Game 60
(Rained out)
There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured)

Game 61
Twins 4- Nationals 3
I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished.

Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog

Preparation, Expectation, Joy

Oh, it's still just a hot dog

like laws, don't show me.

Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out)
Nationals 7 - Twins 0
The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. :( "

Game 62
Nationals 5 - Twins 4
This series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez).

But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to.

does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well"

Game 63
Twins 3 - Phillies 2


Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping])

Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo.

Game 64
Twins 4 - Phillies 3
The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song.

Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits.

BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles

Soft and subtle meat

Fresh veggies singing for you

Wow...that price is right

Game 65
Phillies 3 - Twins 2
Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again).

Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night).

This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts.

Game 66
Tigers 4 - Twins 0
Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said.

Game 67
Twins 6 - Tigers 3

Annabelle Sanchez

The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary.

Dear Diary,
Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so!  I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary!

Annabelle

This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session.

Game 68
Tigers 5 - Twins 2
The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister.

Unimpressed.

A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players
"Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes."
etc.

P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun!

Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!)
Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

Wha' Happened #7 (V.s. Boston; @ Atlanta, Detroit & Milwaukee; V.s. Milwaukee & Seattle)

There was agony during the last two weeks of Twins baseball (including 7 straight losses to run a losing streak to 10) and ecstasy (including winning 6 of their last 7). The season continues tonight in Kansas City, but before you see that game, let's review what happened in the last few weeks.

Game 40
Red Sox 3 - Twins 2
Remember about a month ago, when we went into Boston and dominated the Red Sox to win 3 of 4? Turns out they didn't like that very much. And brought a rather curt "Don't Mess With Boston" attitude back to the Twin Cities.

Game 41
Red Sox 15  - Twins 2
Make that very curt.

Game 42
Red Sox 5 - Twins 1
Yup...Boston...don't mess with it...we get the message.

Game 43
Braves 5 - Twins 1
Hitting the road again, the Twins returned to Atlanta for the first time since the 1991 World Series. In a sign of true southern hospitality Braves fans' loudly and persistently whined about how Kent Hrbek's "T-Rex Tag" play in Game 2 stole the World Series from them (leaving aside the missed opportunities in the rest of that game and when they failed to clinch in Games 6 or 7).

So dumbfounded were the Twins and Kevin Correia (who only remembers loving Zubas in 1991) that they promptly lost the game.

You stay classy Braves...

Game 44
Braves 5 - Twins 4
Did you realize the Braves' still do the "Tomahawk Chop"...I mean...really...really? Really...Just yikes. I can only assume the Twins team was all so mad about that, that they couldn't focus on the game...and lost again.

Game 45
Braves 8 - Twins 3
Interesting factoid! Several of the Twins are avid students of history including Vance Worley. When he realized he would get to pitch in Atlanta, the final destination for General Sherman's march to the sea during the Civil War, Worley practically exploded with joy: "It's awesome! All that history! the end of the campaign that crippled the rebel forces! We should celebrate guys! We should...We should....WE SHOULD BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!"

Hearing this, Aaron Hicks made a simple suggestion: "You mean, play well, hit a couple homers and break our losing streak?"

Worley replied: "No! Let's keep this losing streak burning! Let's go down in a fiery blaze of glorious death! 8 RUNS IN THE FOUR INNINGS! HERE WE GO!!!"

Burn it down they did...and nowVance Worley will be able to continue his study of history in Rochester...hopefully he doesn't try to get to the ballpark by building an underground railroad...

Prince Fielder
Eater of Souls

Game 46
Tigers 6 - Twins 5
Trying to end their week plus schnide, Josh Willingham entered Comerica Park and proclaimed: "BY THE POWER OF ASGAARD, WE SHALL NOT LOSE AGAIN**" [Note that he punctuated his claim not with exclamation points but with a pair of home runs.]

However, Jared Burton does not believe in the Willinghammer or Norse Mythology (he prefers Celtic Lore, after all). And after ceding a double to tie the game, he was doomed when Prince Fielder announced: "BY THE POWER OF TOFURKEY, WE SHALL NOT LOSE!"

For those keeping score at home, it appears Tofurkey > Asgaard.

Game 47
Tigers 6 - Twins 0
At last! We were all able to witness the return of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. Who seemed so cool in the World Baseabll Classic, like he'd never ever hurt us...then came the second inning...and the third inning...and then the Twins were helpless against Anibal Sanchez and we lost our 10th game in a row.

Meanwhile, in the mind of Bert Blyleven, who insists on calling Sanchez "Anna-belle" the Tigers pitcher followed each strike out and inning-ending escape by fluttering her glove in front of her face and saying "I do declare!! These Minnesotans are terribly droll aren't they Colonel?" Presumably at some point Jim Leyland spat tobacco in front of Annabelle and she proclaimed "dear me! how terribly uncouth, Colonel! Behavior like that is simply intolerable!" Then Anna-belle huffily sat in a corner plotting our downfall and the resurrection of her Peach plantation. This concludes another installment of "The Anna-belle Sanchez Diaries" by Bert Aalbert Blyleven.

Game 48
Twins 3 - Tigers 2
True story, I didn't realize the Twins were playing the afternoon until the 7th when I told my wife Stinky aka Mrs. Peanut that we had a lead. Her response: "yeah...I'm not holding my breath". A good choice because we needed another hour to win the game. Sure we were happy to win a game for the first time in over a week, but I was happier still that my wife didn't pass out trying to prove a point.

Game 49
Tigers 6 - Twins 1
Ben Franklin once said: "guests and fish start to stink after three days", were he alive today he would likely say: "guests and fish start to stink after three days; Mike Pelfrey starts to stink three pitches after people think he might get through the sixth inning".

Game 50
Twins 6 - Brewers 3
On Memorial Day, our great and noble leader Chairman Joseph Mauer paid homage to the fallen by providing his own epic parade of run scoring. For as long as Minnesotans have toiled in the fields and the factories, the Chairman has watched and sought to repay that greatness with greatness of his own. So it was that each time the Chairman reached base he proceeded to circle all the bases with his customary precision and clarity of purpose to bring honor to Twins Territory.

Game 51
Twins 6 - Brewers 5
The annual Twins/Brewers sleep over at Miller Park was just so much durned fun that the Brewers did not want it to end, least of all, Carlos Gomez who recently discovered that it is just as much fun to hit the ball as it is to catch the ball. As he said to his old pal Justin Morneau: "I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO BED! LETS PLAY BASEBALL ALL THE TIME!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Luckily, Gardy heard the ruckus Carlos was causing and said that he would allow the Brewers to sleep over in Minnesota the next two nights. Gogo celebrated by jumping up and down cheering as his new BFF Aaron Hicks stole a home run, hit a home run and a ground rule double that lead to the game winning run in the fourteenth. Quoth the Gogo: "WHEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!!!!!"

Samuel DeDudeBro totally
has some wine coolers...

Game 52
Twins 4 - Brewers 1
In preparation for Grand Ol' Day that weekend, Samuel De-dude-bro prepared his best stuff to drop on the drunken honies, including classics like "did it hurt...when my curveball dropped right underneath your swing?" and "Hey baby, if you like my pitching you should see the way we hit it off" and finally: "'Sup?"

Deduno dominated the Brewers...no word yet on how he did with inebriates in St. Paul.


Game 53
Twins 8 - Brewers 6

Kyle Loshe (but not quite)

The Twins/Brewers sleepover came to an end with the return of Kyle Loshe to a Minnesota mound. Then everyone remembered what a tool Kyle Loshe was, and promptly extracted revenge, launching 3 home runs in 5 batters.

Additionally, Chris Parmelee continued his one man campaign to overwhelm the appeal of Wisconsin Cheddar by using his power hitting to emphasize the importance of Parmesan. Because what is better: oily greasy deep fried cheese curds, or a glorious eggplant parmesean? (...hmm...on second thought...)

Game 54
Mariners 3 - Twins 0
Once again the bionic pitching machine known as Mike Pelfrey broke down just after multiple Twins fans thought to themselves: "Hey Pelfrey might just make it!"

WRONG!

Game 55
Twins 5 - Mariners 4
Once upon a time there was a Twins catcher...no not the sideburn-ed one, the other one.

No not the feeble hitting back up, the other other one!

Pretty good weeks for Ryan Suave

Yes, that's the one: Ryan Doumit. Mr. Unbuttoned-Jersey. Mr. Sexy-And-I-Know-It. Mr. Sure-I'll-Ride-The-Bench-Catch-a-Couple-Days-Play-Right-Field-And-Keep-On-Hitting-Like-It-Ain't-No-Thang. (He'd make a terrible substitute teacher). And what did this man do of note you ask? Not much, just clear the bases with a triple and institute the first "Oh-my-god-the-Twins-won!" shared between random strangers since 2010.

Bravo Ryan Suave, Bravo!

Game 56
Twins 10 - Mariners 0
Dear Jeremy Bonderman,

We missed you. Come back soon!

Love,
The Twins

Mr. Peanut--Ryan Doumit (since going to Detroit, Doumit has had a Win Probability Added over 1.1--so he has given the Twins one more win than an average hitter in his same spot)
Nutty-Buddy--Mike Pelfrey (Please send all spare nuts and bolts to Scott Boras Labs to repair Mike Pelfrey)

Side Note: The school year ends on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly as of next week, but I'll also be travelling to Washington DC on Friday to take my 2 year old niece to her first baseball game when the Twins visit the Nationals. And to answer your question, yes, I will teach her to sing "Save Big Money" when Denard Span runs near by.

Wha Happened #5 (v.s. Rangers and @ Tigers)

Game 20

Rangers 2 - Twins 1

Despite the evening's overlong, numbingly-slow, seemingly interminable catalogue of the talents of others, the Twin Cities were delighted by their own brief shining moment of glory. 

But enough has been written about the Vikings' draft...The Twins also played and saw Josh Willingham hit a homerun in a losing effort to a more talented Rangers squad.

In other news: The Twins front office began declaring their interest in drafting Mantei Te'o with the fourth overall pick in June's draft...just to keep local sportswriters amused for a few more weeks.

Game 21

Rangers 4 - Twins 3

It was a beautiful afternoon in the Twins clubhouse, the perfect time to get in a little extra batting practice, enjoy some of the first sunshine of the spring.

That's when Aaron Hicks noticed a shadow floating off by the electric marquee announcing the night's pitching match up. "OH NO!" He shouted, "You guys! We've got....the...Grimm!"

"Yeah," replied Josh Willingham unconcernedly, "he's a rookie."

"But...the Grimm foretells death and ill fortune for all who see it!!"

"What, did you face him in the minors or something?" asked Joe Mauer.

"No! But I read all about it in Unfogging the Future by Cassandra Vablatsky!"

"Umm...Aaron," replied Justin Morneau, slurping the last of his McDonald's Sweet Tea [ONLY 99 cents AT PARTICIPATING STORES!!] "I think that's only a book in the Harry Potter series." 

"AAAAH!" Shouted Aaron Hicks, grabbing Morneau's cup and swirling around the dregs of the drink as if it were tea leaves, "IT'S THERE...IT'S THERE AGAIN!!! WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!!"

As Aaron Hicks ran around shouting about the disaster to everyone, the heart of the order gathered together. Finally Morneau broke the silence, "I suppose the nice thing to do would be to help Hicksy build some confidence by having his prediction come true...you guys willing to get held scoreless by a rookie startert again?"

"Eh," they responded in unison, "why not?"

So they did...and Aaron Hicks felt better...and Oswaldo Arcia hit another homer...and the game was lost, but the nerdiness was won.

Game 22

Twins 7 - Rangers 2

On their second consecutive beautiful day the Twins started to wonder if playing against the Rangers was really worth it. I mean, couldn't they just play this one quickly, lose (as they probably would anyway) and go home to put their feet up on the deck with a drink in hand and a steak on the grill?

The very happy Mr. Hernandez

But Rookie Pedro Hernandez was delighted to be there, making his second start and first attempt to become part of the "rotation". He kept talking to players in the dugout about "how cool" it was, and that standing on a big league mound was "so sweet!"

When removed from the game after the fifth, Hernandez sat beaming on the bench around other players. "Man you guys this day is just awesome!" [mumble grumble said the team that wanted to go home] "Major league baseball...I mean for REALS!! How cool is this!!?!? [I-du-mumma-grumba said the team who was so over playing every day] "And just think tonight I've got Cloud Cult tickets for me and my best friends!" [Record scratch sound, heads swivel and everybody crowds around Hernandez]

In an effort to impress Hernandez and get those extra tickets, Brian Dozier kept bragging about his "totally amazeballs sac fly", Wilkin Ramirez and Aaron Hicks drove in insurance runs, Josh Willingham smashed a home run to left, and when the bullpen heard about this option Anthony Swarzak, Brian Duensing and Jared Burton turned in scoreless efforts. And even though Glen Perkins gave up 2 runs, Hernandez cheered him up by flashing an extra ticket at him from the top step of the dugout.

And as "Beautiful Day" played on the loud speakers, you could almost hear the glee as Wilkin Ramirez shouted "Let's get out of here and go listen to some experimental local indie art rock!! WOO Cloud Cult!!"

Woo Cloud Cult indeed.

Game 23

Twins 5 - Rangers 0

Sunday was my first day of the season at Target Field, with beautiful sunshine, a well paced game and the chance to see a well-played game. It also allowed me to develop what I think might be the best equation for the Twins surprising .500 record in April

BB*H^2 + (ESKC/CP2012) = LW

That's Bases on Balls (aka Walks) times Hits squared, plus Early Season Kevin Correia-ness* over Craptastic Pitching from 2012 equals a likely Win. The more we do any of these things, the more walks drawn, the more hits attained, the more Early-Season-Kevin-Correia-y our pitching can be and the less craptastically our pitching resembles that of 2012, the better chance we have to win. (And with Willingham getting the walks, Morneau getting the hits and Kevin Correia being Kevin Correia-y this game was a likely win) 

*Note, this is a very special brand of Kevin Correia and can still be used as a stand in for average effectiveness as a pitcher even if/when Correia collapses, after all Scott Diamond has had a very high Early-Season Kevin Correianess quotient throughout his run with the Twins*

ADDED BONUS: A HAIKU FOR THE FOOD I ATE AT THE PARK

The Italian Sausage

First bite of summer

Spices mild as big muddy

Bursts on snow tired tongue

Game 24
Tigers 4 - Twins 3

Having split the series against a very tough Rangers team, the Twins went in to Detroit full of piss, vinegar, and other assorted odd liquids. And to be sure, everything seemed to be going wonderfully, Josh Willingham homered again, Oswaldo Arcia continued to hit the ball hard, and Mike Pelfrey (the bionic reclamation project) seemed to have found a way to get guys out using trickery, guile (and maybe some mixture of piss and vinegar in their gatorade).

But it was not to last...heading into the bottom of the sixth with the top of the order due up Gardy had a premonition that perhaps Pelfrey would need to take a rest. But Pelfrey prevailed upon him telling him in a slightly robotic tone, "come on skip-per...I can get these guys...my arm feels great...I just need some WD-40 to loosen my pitching mechanism...I mean, I just need a 'hot towel' on my 'arm' and I'll get them."

Gardy was concerned, but after Pelfrey corrected himself he was sure things would work out...But Vegetarian crusader Prince Fielder could smell the metal and the grease and the un-eco friendly Pelfrey from a mile away. And with two men on, trailing by two he did what any self-respecting Vegi-citizen would do and lined a homerun to left-center, winning the game for the Tigers and increasing Super Agent Scott Boras' fear that his bionic pitcher project may be a dud...but that Fielder guy will probably make him some money for a long time to come.

Game 25
Tigers 6 - Twins 1

During all of this media reports surfaced that our benevolent chairman Joe Mauer was going through the worst hitting slump of his life. Going 0 for his last 20 entering play Tuesday night. These of course were salacious lies, Mauer (Bringer of Sun to the Snow Plagued Lands) in his infinite genius and wisdom has been redistributing feelings of honor and prosperity to other hitters in the Twins line-up.

"The chairman (praises be to him), has mercifully blessed me with the muscle mass to hit many doubles" reported young Eduardo Escobar, "he truly is the harbinger of victory and a bountiful harvest."

The Detroit Tygra Ace

Enemies still bow before Mauer (provider of Snow in Sun plagued lands). And fear his mighty eyes of laser precision that are the only true judge of strikes and balls (no matter what the puppet umpires of the capitalist conspiracy of pitchers tells you). Witness the Chairman's mighty single against the Man-Tiger Hybrid called Justin Verlander, the American League's greatest weapon of mass destruction.

The Chairman has vowed to honor all of those who have remained loyal to his greatness and destroy Thundera...I mean Comerica on his next visit, just as soon as he figures out why he wants to bomb Austin, Texas.

Game 26
Twins 6 - Tigers 2

Having been bested by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Twins had hoped to get their offense going in the final game on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately they were facing Anibal Sanchez, whom the Twins announcers continue to insist on calling "Anna-belle" Sanchez. The image of Sanchez with a parasol, and a fan on the mound shouting out "I do declare!" was just too dang funny and they laughed their way to 9 strikes and a 3-2 lead thanks largely to swatting at balls while muttering "I don't give a damn".

Good goat...good goat.

Fortunately it was enough as Scott Diamond gave up only two runs and avoided Rich Anderson hugs long enough to get through 6 innings en route to another win and a return to .500!

Mr. Peanut Award: Kevin Correia (easily gave the most impressive single performance of the week...and I've been ignoring him too long...like Sally Field at the Oscars)
Nutty Buddy: Joe Mauer (not that the chairman requires pity...but listing a Nutty Buddy has boosted the fortunes of others before...fingers crossed!)

Wha Happened? #4 (@ White Sox & v.s. Marlins)

Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Twins Baseball

Game 15

Cold Weathered Out

After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February?

Game 16

Twins 2 - White Sox 1

In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal.

Game 17

Twins 5 - White Sox 3

Years ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us.

And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see.

Facing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings."


Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..."

The Blizzard of Oz

Game 18

Gross Weathered Out

In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska.

Game 18 Take 2

Twins 4 - Marlins 3

Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game.

Game 19 

Marlins 8-Twins 5

Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco, "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs, "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger,

Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (with a small sample size this mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted)

Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes)

Wha Happened? #2 (@ Orioles & Royals)

Here's our second edition of Twins recaps as only we can do them: inaccurately but chock full of puns and bad jokes!

Game 4

Orioles 9-Twins 5

MASN Sports

Picking up where he left off last year, Liam Hendricks was a frustrating mixture of promising and aggravating, wriggling out of a few jams but ultimately giving up four runs to the Orioles on the condition that they keep all Dingos in the greater Baltimore area on a firm leash.

Despite Hendricks struggles, the Twins stayed in the game thanks to Brian Dozier's rosy-cheeked "Can-Do!" attitude which children find adorable and which fans will tolerate provided he doesn't air mail any throws to second.But sadly, Brian Dozier's hope of playing hero, as well as Tyler Robertson's hope of having an intimidating beard, was smashed by Baltimore's Chris "Crush" Davis. When asked why he hates all the Twins and Twins fans, and why he won't let us have nice things Davis replied: "Huh? What are you even talking about?"

Game 5

Twins 6-Orioles 5

Hurt by Davis' confused dismissal of our totally reasonable, and not at all melodramatic reactions to the previous day's loss, Brian Dozier was sitting forlorn in the clubhouse until Justin Morneau (he of the broad shoulders and MVP award) asked what was wrong. Dozier sobbed: "Chris Davis wasn't playing nice! He just hits the ball hard and doesn't even care that we try to do the little things right! He's a real meanie, I don't want to play with him any more!"

Morneau comforted the BrianDozer (well, as much as you can comfort an anthropomorphic bull dozer) saying, "don't worry Brian. You just keep trying to do the little things right, and remember that if you ever feel bullied by someone who hits the ball hard, just tell an adult and we'll fix things up." So it was that Morneau stood up to Chris "Crush" Davis, telling him in the third inning (after a line drive single), "you need to learn some manners, Mr. Davis."

Replied Davis, "uhh....what?"

He teaches hitting...and manners

Shaking his head with disappointment, Morneau responded, "if you don't know you clearly weren't paying attention to our feelings. In Canada we have a word for people like you: jerks. Just for that, I'll only be leaving one canister of maple syrup as a thank you gift for hosting us this weekend!"

"I don't...why am I? Are we supposed to give hosting gifts?"

"You'll see, after Chris hits this homerun...oh, you'll see...", replied Morneau and sure enough Chris Davis did see. He saw Chris Parmelee's home run, he saw his own costly error prolong the 9th inning, and he saw Justin Morneau capitalize on that error to drive in the game's winning run.

"I hope you learned your lesson, Mr. Davis" said Morneau, again perched on first base.

"Umm...yes?"

"What was the lesson?"

"To pretend I know what the hell you're talking about?" But this response was again, impolite to Justin's Canadian cultural mindset and to the ever sensitive Twins' youngsters and so....

Game 6

Twins 4-Orioles 3

The blood feud continued into Sunday, even though Chris Davis was still totally unaware of what he had done to irk the Twins so much.

In the third inning, full of righteous indignation, Justin Morneau swung with all his might and lifted an easy fly ball to center. When it fell between Nate McClouth and Adam Jones, Morneau trotted into second, but didn't feel good about it.

Looking back at first base he saw Chris Davis, in what Morneau assumed was a humble acknowledgement that he was wrong and Morneau was right and that he had agreed with McClouth and Jones to let the easy fly ball fall between them as a peace offering. (Davis was in fact, just doffing his cap to check out the girl in the 10th row)

Moved by this kindness Morneau shouted out: "Sorry, Chris! Let's be buddies again! I'll give everybody a couple jars of maple syrup, mmmkay?!"

Confused (as usual) Davis gave Morneau a thumbs up and moved on with his life. Though he struck out in a crucial situation and though his team did lose the game, he did end up with maple syrup, so he won at life.

Game 7

Royals 3-Twins 1

Shockingly, Kevin Correia continued his solid performances as a starter, handcuffing the Kansas City bats for 7 stellar innings. His performance was so good that most fans who had heretofore decried his signing as "the worst thing to happen in the history of ever" were forced to reevaluate things and put a variety of genocides and Kristin Stewart's acting career ahead of him on the list of "worst things in the history of ever" again.

As the tide was turning, Corriea, sensing a great disturbance in the Scapegoat force immediately set about correcting this, giving up three in the eighth to lose the game. Fans throughout Twins territory cheered...by booing.

Game 8

Do it for the Shocker!!

Royals 7 - Twins 4

Returning to the media market closest to his beloved Wichita, Mike Pelfrey was determined to what his alma mater, the Wichita State Shockers, could not do: beat Louisville!

Unfortunately, Pelfrey's attempts to throw balls so easy to hit that the Royals would launch them through the stratosphere, over the state of Missouri, Southern Illinois and right into Rick Pitino's face was not conducive to winning the game and the Twins dropped their second in a row.

Game 9

Royals 3 - Twins 0

Winding up the road trip, the Twins were eager to get home, and, with a foul little storm blowing trough Kansas City, they didn't have a whole lot of motivation to go and do anything, not even pick up little Chris Parmelee or Brian Dozier from soccer practice or second base or whatever.

So do we Chris, so do we

Yup, the Twins went 0-11 with runners in scoring position, stranding 12 men Wednesday night. In fact, it wasn't until they went to the airport and Eduardo Escobar broke down crying that they realized they had left Brian Dozier on 1st base without telling him he could come back inside from the rain storm...(rookies...)

Mr. Peanut Award (best player of the past week): Chris Parmelee (Last week's nutty buddy got on base or an RBI in every game of the road trip...even the one where he only had 1 at bat)
Nutty Buddy Award (player who needs some support): Aaron Hicks (Batting .057 with strikeouts in almost half of his plate appearances shows that the man might need a little love)

OUR Minnesota Twins (Part 5)

The Twins season begins in just 1 week! And yet there are still more players to meet as we continue to get to know our versions of the major league roster.

Meet Brian Dozier! (Second Baseman/Infielder)

Player's Background: A small, scrappy infielder out of Mississippi, Brian Dozier earned the attention of Twin scouts at the University of Southern Mississippi (presumably because the same year he was drafted Brett Favre [another Southern Miss grad] was working out in Hattiesburg). After just three years in the minors (a very swift ascension by Twins standards) he was given a shot to play at short stop, and struggled after some early success. Now, like many Twins infield prospects of the past, he will move from short stop to second base because c'mon-it-has-to-work-sometime-doesn't-it?

Alternate Background: While attending Itawamba Agricultural High School (seriously...that's his high school) Brian was grazed by a radioactive piece of farm equipment that allowed him to morph into any piece of heavy machinery he wanted. Since that superpower kind of stinks and Dozier thought he might turn into a power hitter some day he chose to become the mighty BRIAN-DOZER! Unfortunately, he never did become a power hitter but remained an adorable, lovable, scrappy middle-infielder. So his brief displays of power are coupled with the tendency to demolish things, like tailor-made double play balls. But hey, if he can ever harness his power for good rather than destruction...WOO!

Positive Cheers: Demolish it Dozer/Dozier!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us trade you for a Tonka truck!

Meet Mike Pelfry! (Pitcher)

Player's Background: A highly touted college prospect form Wichita State, Pelfry leapt to the major leagues shortly after being drafted by the New York Mets. He has been frequently inconsistent throughout his career with flashes of brilliance (complete games, 10-1 stretches) and incompetence (a +5.00 ERA and leading the majors in balks), so when he required Tommy John surgery the Mets were fine with let the high priced 29 year old walk.

Alternate Background: The successful elbow surgery has made Pelfry a candidate for the Twins' rotation this year, much to the delight of his agent/mad-genius: Scott Boras. In Pelfry, Boras has the perfect test subject for his latest attempt to sucker the baseball establishment--slowly replacing human parts with robotic ones! After all if he can assemble a roster of Bionic Men he could get at least 6-million dollars for each of them (right Steve Austin?) Thus begins the creation of Mike Pelfry: Bionic Man!

Positive Cheers: Na-na-na-na-na-na....na-na-na-na-na-na-na....; BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER!


Less-than Positive Cheers: Do you need some WD-40? Nyyyeah-nyyyeah-nya-nyyeah-nyyyyeeeeaaaahhh!!