Laughing through the Pain: Hitters & AARP

A year ago I offered an alternative statistic for measuring player worth--not in wins/losses, but in the far more useful field of entertaining the fan base: Amusement Above Replacement Player (AARP) for short. The statistic is measured in five key categories on a scale of -2 to +2, 

• Play 
• Nickname:
• Physical Traits: 
• Personality/Demeanor:
• Oddities: 

When added up, these statistics gives us a total AARP somewhere between -10 and +10. 

Last year, the AARP statistic revealed that while the Twins could hit, they couldn't really inspire much to interest the general public. Beyond Joe Mauer there just weren't many other people of note, Brian Dozier's break out season aside. A year older and wiser, it's worth wondering who if anyone has been able to grab attention and interest of the masses.

Again regular statistics don't always do it justice, but there's reason for optimism for Twins fans, especially when it comes to the offensive side of the ball.

Josmil Pinto--Last year's promising start was tempered by the fact he neither got regular playing time, nor did he get to stay with the team all year. But on the plus side, I'm now convinced that "Josmi-and-the-Pussycats" is going to be the next great Saturday Morning Cartoon.
AARP: 1.6 (Up +0.6 from last year)

Eduardo Nunez--Having been saved from the Yankees, Nunez has a little redemption/comeback story about him, but is never as interesting, curious or good as other players AARP: 0.2 

Chris Colabello--The plucky, scrappy narrative story line remains a fan favorite and even though he will likely never get better than the one magical month that one magical month makes him special. AARP: 0.9 

Aaron Hicks--It seems like there are two camps on Aaron Hicks, those who will never forgive him for disappointing them the first time, and those who will need at least two seasons of great play before they learn to love again AARP: 0.6

Kennys Vargas--The big bopping Rookie who actually has more than a single month under his belt, Vargas is definitely encouraging irrational optimism with his Ortiz-esque appearance, Ortiz-esque interview style and Ortiz-esque moon shots. Even his nascent nickname's ("Li'l Papi", "Bam-Bam", etc) are winners. AARP: 3.4

Chris Parmelee--Parmelee is the forlorn example of where the Twins were for so many years: neither amazingly talented nor totally without promise and featuring nearly no personality at all. AARP: 0.3 (Same as last year)

Oswaldo Arcia--"Ar-see-ya" (or "Waldo" as I prefer to call him) keeps earning loyalists. The streaky power he has flashed for two years promises to make Target Field's faithful stand up and cheer every time he crushes one when it counts (seeing his standing-o back in May was proof of that), and the unpredictabilty of his mohawk has entrenched him as a local landmark. AARP: 3.1 (Up +1.6 from last year--gains in playing (though not defensively), nicknames, and physical appearance)

Danny Santana--I sadly left behind my cable subscription right around the time Danny Santana became a fixture in the Twins line-ups but I have remained consistently impressed by his positivity and energy despite being consistently played out of position by Twins management. Whether or not he ever gets a chance at shortstop "Dan-San" or "Dan-the-Man" has a sizable leash from Twins fans. AARP: 2.3

Eduardo Escobar--Brad Swanson began the Eddie 500 campaign in the spring and I was happy to join in the fun, little did we know that we were witnessing something even better: the emergence of "Nick Punto 2.0". For both that nickname and his play, I salute you Eduardo Escobar! AARP: 2.5

Gratuitous Plouffe Bash

Kurt Suzuki--The man who was supposed to be a back-up, then a place holder for Josmil Pinto, just never went away. Between the clutch hitting, the positive community involvement, the unique Hawaiian background, and--now--the long-term contract, Suzuki's lovable, but perhaps a little early in his peak. AARP: 2.9

Joe Mauer--The Chairman (all praises to his name) continues to be mildly amusing to those of us who know him best, but right now it looks like he's trying to keep up on the field and has slipped below the level of nationally recognized superstar. AARP: 4.8 (Down -0.4 in field performance)

Trevor Plouffe--The joy of shouting "Trevor!" in my best Neville Longbottom impression has risen dramatically this year, and the head smacking stupidity of his play at third base has decreased. Combine those two factors and you have a far more AARP: 1.8 (Up +1.4 thanks to on-field performance and wider variety of nicknames)

Yeah Diamondcentric
did it better

Brian Dozier--The biggest surprise of last year continued his flair for great hitting, highlight-reel-fielding, impressive hair, and a true good-ol-boy southern charm. He's not the face of the franchise like Mauer is, but he is a tremendous asset and widely appreciated both on the field and in the community. AARP: 4.2 (Up +0.5 with wider appreciation of nickname, and off field personality)

Last year's break down of the offense showed one elite player (AARP Greater than 5.0, Mauer) and one local favorite (AARP Between 2.0 and 4.9, Dozier). This year while Mauer's not a nationally elite name any more, the core of the team seems solidly in place. With Santana, Escobar, Suzuki, Arcia, Vargas, Dozier, Mauer (plus Glen Perkins and Phil Hughes on the mound) creating a rather likable, if not world-beating core of the team, the Twins have much larger set of players who fans can form an attachment to. 

Of course many other writers will point out the folly in forming an attachment to players whose greatest value is on the trade market, but hey, if you wanted genuine analysis of player value, you wouldn't be reading this article about a totally made up and arbitrary statistic.

If you'd be interested in more "shouting", "yelling", "making things up" then I eagerly encourage you to post in comments or suggest other directions for the postings.

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat That Matters (Pt. 2: The Hitters)

This is the second in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, now we're using it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

A player with a high AARP should appreciate this meme

Coming into this season there were lots of high hopes for the offense. If they did what they had done the year before and the pitching made even a marginal improvement the Twins might be on the outskirts of the playoff race by the time July rolled around.

Instead, the pitchers were on point early on in the season, while the bats were stone cold. And though the pitchers turned into pumpkins around about May, the offense remained as sluggish as the crowd at a Sons of Norway Meatball supper all throughout the summer. In an effort to improve things, management jettisoned underperforming veterans (Jamey Carroll and Justin Morneau) and played the revolving door call-up game with underperforming prospects (Aaron Hicks, Chris Parmelee and Oswaldo Arcia). It wasn't terribly successful and in the end of the year a concussion for Joe Mauer saw our one consistently potent weapon spending weeks in rehab rather than an inning on the field.

Going forward the Twins need to find some kind of offensive identity: piranha style slash and dash? Mauer-powered double carousels? Pull happy homer fests? All are possibilities. But however they choose to play the game, they'll need amusing players to sell it to fans, and we're here to evaluate just how amusing current players were this season, so we can tell if they'll be useful long term.

Here now, the Twins hitters, as measured by AARP.

(Remember -8 to -.6 is an unlikable player; -.5 to .5 is a forgettable player, .6 to 2.0 is an every day major leaguer, 2.1 to 5.0 is a fan favorite 5.1 to 8.0 is a nationally recognizable talent, 8.1 to 10.0 is a national favorite)

Chris Parmelee
Play: Parmelee just didn't have the bat that we hoped he did, and now it's clear why his defense made him such an intinerant fielder throughout his minor league career. 0.1
Nickname: We were rooting for calling him "Chicky Chicky Parm Parm" in a Parks and Rec reference, but I don't think Parmelee deserves it 0.2
Traits: Mostly bland and unrecognizable 0.1
Demeanor: Just a work a-day ball player -0.1
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP:  0.3

Trevor Plouffe
Play: From time to time his bat clicks in the perfect way, but more often than not his defense is so bad that watching it through a bag on your head seems to be the only viable option 0.4
Nickname: "Plouffe Daddy" "Plouffe Diddy" "Plouffe There It Is"--all great signs of Plouffe's cool yet irritating double nature. Harry Potter Fans may still just call him "TREVOR!!" 0.5
Traits: As you'd expect of a close friend to Delmon Young he's both cocky and seemingly oblivous to his failures -0.3
Demeanor: Quiet, distant, nonchalant -0.1
Oddities: None...other than the really weird plays -0.1
AARP: 0.4

Darrin Mastroianni
Play: Hampered by injury, Mastroianni went from a starter to a footnote this season  -0.5
Nickname: None 0.2
Traits: None noticed 0.3
Demeanor: None noticed 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 0.4


Oswaldo Arcia
Play: Statistically, Oswaldo doesn't seem that impressive. By league wide standards he's below average (-.4 WAR), but given his youth, potential and the awesome sight of home runs leaving his bat, his play has a slightly different feel for fans who watched him regularly 0.8
Nickname: I tried "Blizzard of Os" or "Blizzard Wizard" but neither of those really work and "Where's Waldo" is just odd -0.2
Traits: Tall, bulky, with a hesitating and thick Spanish accent. 0.2
Demeanor: Quiet beyond the field, a little proud on it 0.1
Oddities: None, a typical quasi-cocky kid 0.0
AARP: 0.9




Josmil Pinto
Play: Though he only made it up briefly at the end of the season, and has a skewed sample size (see Parmelee, Chris) he was pretty impressive when he was there 0.3
Nickname: None...yet -0.2
Traits: None noticed -0.1
Demeanor: Pretty self amused, full of aww shucks surprise at his good fortune to be in the game 0.4
Oddities: Walks up to the plate to Mumford and Sons...making him the Twins first "Hipster- American" player and my wife's new favorite 0.6
AARP: 1.0

Ryan Doumit
Play: I'm awfully amused by Ryan Doumit, but I get the sense that few others are. A back up catcher who doesn't catch, Rightfielder who doesn't field and designated hitter who had only a few good weeks of hitting this year -0.1
Nickname: I like calling him "Ryan Suave" but I'm alone on that one 0.1
Traits: Permanently scruffy, often quiet, usually distant 0.3
Demeanor: Seemingly cranky when he doesn't get his shot -0.1
Oddities: I may be the only one to notice or care, but Doumit's propensity for leaving three or more buttons undone is something out of Magic Mike 0.8
AARP: 1.0



Pedro Florimon
Play: Awful hitting, really good fielding 0.6
Nickname: None, maybe "Flor-E-mon" for those who aren't satisfied with his defense -0.3
Traits: So quiet and distant that you forget he's out there, seems to have inherited Alexi Cassila's role on the team and his goofy little goatee 0.2
Demeanor: Silent during the game, happy enough to do the jump at the end of the game 0.1
Oddities: He does the same unbuttoned shirt thing as Ryan Doumit, albeit less frequently  0.4
AARP: 1.0

Josh Willingham
Play: After a tremendous first season in Minnesota, Willingham's injury plagued sophmore showing had some looking for a way to get rid of him 0.3
Nickname: "The Hammer" "Willing Hammer" and other hardware puns--I still think the blonde bomber looks like Thor, but I haven't been able to sell that one yet 0.6
Traits: Big, eye black wearing beast of a hitter, easy-going 0.4
Demeanor: Southern-fried courtesy, has some good old Deep Thoughts moments 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 1.7

Brian Dozier
Play: In addition to competent fielding (a rare thing in a Twins second baseman) Dozier had above average hitting (a very bizarre thing a Twins second baseman) 1.4
Nickname: "Brian Dozer", "Bull Dozier", "Tupelo Two Bagger" 0.7
Traits: Beautiful flowing mane of hair, awesome southern accent 1.1
Demeanor: Calm, happy go lucky, easy to talk to and willing to make a few small jokes 0.2
Oddities: None really, other than coming from the same town as Elvis and a recent anthrax mailer 0.3
AARP: 3.7


Joe Mauer
Play: After all the razzing and jokes at the expense of his "bilateral leg weakness", #7 came back with a great season, at least until the concussion knocked him out of the last month of the year 1.9
Nickname: "Chairman Mau-er", "The Joebot" 1.4
Traits: The sideburns have been shaved, but the standard issue Minnesota humility is still on display 1.0
Demeanor: He's got charisma in commercials, in average interviews he sounds like a plate of mashed potatoes  0.4
Oddities: Since we know him, we know about some of the weirder quirks--only because he's our own Prince William. So the "rap" career, the "Twin" babies, the fan mail mom are all endearing oddities to us, even if they're missed on a more national scale  0.5
AARP: 5.2

So by my reckoning, the current Twins line-up has one nationally recognizable talent (Mauer, naturally) one local favorite (Dozier), and five players who are about as amusing as the average major league you watch close to 100 times a year. I'm not even trying to count guys like Alex Pressly, Eduardo Escobar, or Chris Colabello (all of whom have to rank about near Parmelee levels right now.

Sure, Buxton and Sano have all the potential to be interesting and engaging players when their times come, but in addition to a decent middle infielder and a slugging first basemen, the Twins should put some time into developing a little personality in the batters box.

Think my ratings are bogus, you're probably right, they are totally subjective and made up...but unless you say something I'll never know. Offer your revised AARP ratings in the comments below.

Wha' Happened #7 (V.s. Boston; @ Atlanta, Detroit & Milwaukee; V.s. Milwaukee & Seattle)

There was agony during the last two weeks of Twins baseball (including 7 straight losses to run a losing streak to 10) and ecstasy (including winning 6 of their last 7). The season continues tonight in Kansas City, but before you see that game, let's review what happened in the last few weeks.

Game 40
Red Sox 3 - Twins 2
Remember about a month ago, when we went into Boston and dominated the Red Sox to win 3 of 4? Turns out they didn't like that very much. And brought a rather curt "Don't Mess With Boston" attitude back to the Twin Cities.

Game 41
Red Sox 15  - Twins 2
Make that very curt.

Game 42
Red Sox 5 - Twins 1
Yup...Boston...don't mess with it...we get the message.

Game 43
Braves 5 - Twins 1
Hitting the road again, the Twins returned to Atlanta for the first time since the 1991 World Series. In a sign of true southern hospitality Braves fans' loudly and persistently whined about how Kent Hrbek's "T-Rex Tag" play in Game 2 stole the World Series from them (leaving aside the missed opportunities in the rest of that game and when they failed to clinch in Games 6 or 7).

So dumbfounded were the Twins and Kevin Correia (who only remembers loving Zubas in 1991) that they promptly lost the game.

You stay classy Braves...

Game 44
Braves 5 - Twins 4
Did you realize the Braves' still do the "Tomahawk Chop"...I mean...really...really? Really...Just yikes. I can only assume the Twins team was all so mad about that, that they couldn't focus on the game...and lost again.

Game 45
Braves 8 - Twins 3
Interesting factoid! Several of the Twins are avid students of history including Vance Worley. When he realized he would get to pitch in Atlanta, the final destination for General Sherman's march to the sea during the Civil War, Worley practically exploded with joy: "It's awesome! All that history! the end of the campaign that crippled the rebel forces! We should celebrate guys! We should...We should....WE SHOULD BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!"

Hearing this, Aaron Hicks made a simple suggestion: "You mean, play well, hit a couple homers and break our losing streak?"

Worley replied: "No! Let's keep this losing streak burning! Let's go down in a fiery blaze of glorious death! 8 RUNS IN THE FOUR INNINGS! HERE WE GO!!!"

Burn it down they did...and nowVance Worley will be able to continue his study of history in Rochester...hopefully he doesn't try to get to the ballpark by building an underground railroad...

Prince Fielder
Eater of Souls

Game 46
Tigers 6 - Twins 5
Trying to end their week plus schnide, Josh Willingham entered Comerica Park and proclaimed: "BY THE POWER OF ASGAARD, WE SHALL NOT LOSE AGAIN**" [Note that he punctuated his claim not with exclamation points but with a pair of home runs.]

However, Jared Burton does not believe in the Willinghammer or Norse Mythology (he prefers Celtic Lore, after all). And after ceding a double to tie the game, he was doomed when Prince Fielder announced: "BY THE POWER OF TOFURKEY, WE SHALL NOT LOSE!"

For those keeping score at home, it appears Tofurkey > Asgaard.

Game 47
Tigers 6 - Twins 0
At last! We were all able to witness the return of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. Who seemed so cool in the World Baseabll Classic, like he'd never ever hurt us...then came the second inning...and the third inning...and then the Twins were helpless against Anibal Sanchez and we lost our 10th game in a row.

Meanwhile, in the mind of Bert Blyleven, who insists on calling Sanchez "Anna-belle" the Tigers pitcher followed each strike out and inning-ending escape by fluttering her glove in front of her face and saying "I do declare!! These Minnesotans are terribly droll aren't they Colonel?" Presumably at some point Jim Leyland spat tobacco in front of Annabelle and she proclaimed "dear me! how terribly uncouth, Colonel! Behavior like that is simply intolerable!" Then Anna-belle huffily sat in a corner plotting our downfall and the resurrection of her Peach plantation. This concludes another installment of "The Anna-belle Sanchez Diaries" by Bert Aalbert Blyleven.

Game 48
Twins 3 - Tigers 2
True story, I didn't realize the Twins were playing the afternoon until the 7th when I told my wife Stinky aka Mrs. Peanut that we had a lead. Her response: "yeah...I'm not holding my breath". A good choice because we needed another hour to win the game. Sure we were happy to win a game for the first time in over a week, but I was happier still that my wife didn't pass out trying to prove a point.

Game 49
Tigers 6 - Twins 1
Ben Franklin once said: "guests and fish start to stink after three days", were he alive today he would likely say: "guests and fish start to stink after three days; Mike Pelfrey starts to stink three pitches after people think he might get through the sixth inning".

Game 50
Twins 6 - Brewers 3
On Memorial Day, our great and noble leader Chairman Joseph Mauer paid homage to the fallen by providing his own epic parade of run scoring. For as long as Minnesotans have toiled in the fields and the factories, the Chairman has watched and sought to repay that greatness with greatness of his own. So it was that each time the Chairman reached base he proceeded to circle all the bases with his customary precision and clarity of purpose to bring honor to Twins Territory.

Game 51
Twins 6 - Brewers 5
The annual Twins/Brewers sleep over at Miller Park was just so much durned fun that the Brewers did not want it to end, least of all, Carlos Gomez who recently discovered that it is just as much fun to hit the ball as it is to catch the ball. As he said to his old pal Justin Morneau: "I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO BED! LETS PLAY BASEBALL ALL THE TIME!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Luckily, Gardy heard the ruckus Carlos was causing and said that he would allow the Brewers to sleep over in Minnesota the next two nights. Gogo celebrated by jumping up and down cheering as his new BFF Aaron Hicks stole a home run, hit a home run and a ground rule double that lead to the game winning run in the fourteenth. Quoth the Gogo: "WHEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!!!!!"

Samuel DeDudeBro totally
has some wine coolers...

Game 52
Twins 4 - Brewers 1
In preparation for Grand Ol' Day that weekend, Samuel De-dude-bro prepared his best stuff to drop on the drunken honies, including classics like "did it hurt...when my curveball dropped right underneath your swing?" and "Hey baby, if you like my pitching you should see the way we hit it off" and finally: "'Sup?"

Deduno dominated the Brewers...no word yet on how he did with inebriates in St. Paul.


Game 53
Twins 8 - Brewers 6

Kyle Loshe (but not quite)

The Twins/Brewers sleepover came to an end with the return of Kyle Loshe to a Minnesota mound. Then everyone remembered what a tool Kyle Loshe was, and promptly extracted revenge, launching 3 home runs in 5 batters.

Additionally, Chris Parmelee continued his one man campaign to overwhelm the appeal of Wisconsin Cheddar by using his power hitting to emphasize the importance of Parmesan. Because what is better: oily greasy deep fried cheese curds, or a glorious eggplant parmesean? (...hmm...on second thought...)

Game 54
Mariners 3 - Twins 0
Once again the bionic pitching machine known as Mike Pelfrey broke down just after multiple Twins fans thought to themselves: "Hey Pelfrey might just make it!"

WRONG!

Game 55
Twins 5 - Mariners 4
Once upon a time there was a Twins catcher...no not the sideburn-ed one, the other one.

No not the feeble hitting back up, the other other one!

Pretty good weeks for Ryan Suave

Yes, that's the one: Ryan Doumit. Mr. Unbuttoned-Jersey. Mr. Sexy-And-I-Know-It. Mr. Sure-I'll-Ride-The-Bench-Catch-a-Couple-Days-Play-Right-Field-And-Keep-On-Hitting-Like-It-Ain't-No-Thang. (He'd make a terrible substitute teacher). And what did this man do of note you ask? Not much, just clear the bases with a triple and institute the first "Oh-my-god-the-Twins-won!" shared between random strangers since 2010.

Bravo Ryan Suave, Bravo!

Game 56
Twins 10 - Mariners 0
Dear Jeremy Bonderman,

We missed you. Come back soon!

Love,
The Twins

Mr. Peanut--Ryan Doumit (since going to Detroit, Doumit has had a Win Probability Added over 1.1--so he has given the Twins one more win than an average hitter in his same spot)
Nutty-Buddy--Mike Pelfrey (Please send all spare nuts and bolts to Scott Boras Labs to repair Mike Pelfrey)

Side Note: The school year ends on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly as of next week, but I'll also be travelling to Washington DC on Friday to take my 2 year old niece to her first baseball game when the Twins visit the Nationals. And to answer your question, yes, I will teach her to sing "Save Big Money" when Denard Span runs near by.

Wha Happened? #2 (@ Orioles & Royals)

Here's our second edition of Twins recaps as only we can do them: inaccurately but chock full of puns and bad jokes!

Game 4

Orioles 9-Twins 5

MASN Sports

Picking up where he left off last year, Liam Hendricks was a frustrating mixture of promising and aggravating, wriggling out of a few jams but ultimately giving up four runs to the Orioles on the condition that they keep all Dingos in the greater Baltimore area on a firm leash.

Despite Hendricks struggles, the Twins stayed in the game thanks to Brian Dozier's rosy-cheeked "Can-Do!" attitude which children find adorable and which fans will tolerate provided he doesn't air mail any throws to second.But sadly, Brian Dozier's hope of playing hero, as well as Tyler Robertson's hope of having an intimidating beard, was smashed by Baltimore's Chris "Crush" Davis. When asked why he hates all the Twins and Twins fans, and why he won't let us have nice things Davis replied: "Huh? What are you even talking about?"

Game 5

Twins 6-Orioles 5

Hurt by Davis' confused dismissal of our totally reasonable, and not at all melodramatic reactions to the previous day's loss, Brian Dozier was sitting forlorn in the clubhouse until Justin Morneau (he of the broad shoulders and MVP award) asked what was wrong. Dozier sobbed: "Chris Davis wasn't playing nice! He just hits the ball hard and doesn't even care that we try to do the little things right! He's a real meanie, I don't want to play with him any more!"

Morneau comforted the BrianDozer (well, as much as you can comfort an anthropomorphic bull dozer) saying, "don't worry Brian. You just keep trying to do the little things right, and remember that if you ever feel bullied by someone who hits the ball hard, just tell an adult and we'll fix things up." So it was that Morneau stood up to Chris "Crush" Davis, telling him in the third inning (after a line drive single), "you need to learn some manners, Mr. Davis."

Replied Davis, "uhh....what?"

He teaches hitting...and manners

Shaking his head with disappointment, Morneau responded, "if you don't know you clearly weren't paying attention to our feelings. In Canada we have a word for people like you: jerks. Just for that, I'll only be leaving one canister of maple syrup as a thank you gift for hosting us this weekend!"

"I don't...why am I? Are we supposed to give hosting gifts?"

"You'll see, after Chris hits this homerun...oh, you'll see...", replied Morneau and sure enough Chris Davis did see. He saw Chris Parmelee's home run, he saw his own costly error prolong the 9th inning, and he saw Justin Morneau capitalize on that error to drive in the game's winning run.

"I hope you learned your lesson, Mr. Davis" said Morneau, again perched on first base.

"Umm...yes?"

"What was the lesson?"

"To pretend I know what the hell you're talking about?" But this response was again, impolite to Justin's Canadian cultural mindset and to the ever sensitive Twins' youngsters and so....

Game 6

Twins 4-Orioles 3

The blood feud continued into Sunday, even though Chris Davis was still totally unaware of what he had done to irk the Twins so much.

In the third inning, full of righteous indignation, Justin Morneau swung with all his might and lifted an easy fly ball to center. When it fell between Nate McClouth and Adam Jones, Morneau trotted into second, but didn't feel good about it.

Looking back at first base he saw Chris Davis, in what Morneau assumed was a humble acknowledgement that he was wrong and Morneau was right and that he had agreed with McClouth and Jones to let the easy fly ball fall between them as a peace offering. (Davis was in fact, just doffing his cap to check out the girl in the 10th row)

Moved by this kindness Morneau shouted out: "Sorry, Chris! Let's be buddies again! I'll give everybody a couple jars of maple syrup, mmmkay?!"

Confused (as usual) Davis gave Morneau a thumbs up and moved on with his life. Though he struck out in a crucial situation and though his team did lose the game, he did end up with maple syrup, so he won at life.

Game 7

Royals 3-Twins 1

Shockingly, Kevin Correia continued his solid performances as a starter, handcuffing the Kansas City bats for 7 stellar innings. His performance was so good that most fans who had heretofore decried his signing as "the worst thing to happen in the history of ever" were forced to reevaluate things and put a variety of genocides and Kristin Stewart's acting career ahead of him on the list of "worst things in the history of ever" again.

As the tide was turning, Corriea, sensing a great disturbance in the Scapegoat force immediately set about correcting this, giving up three in the eighth to lose the game. Fans throughout Twins territory cheered...by booing.

Game 8

Do it for the Shocker!!

Royals 7 - Twins 4

Returning to the media market closest to his beloved Wichita, Mike Pelfrey was determined to what his alma mater, the Wichita State Shockers, could not do: beat Louisville!

Unfortunately, Pelfrey's attempts to throw balls so easy to hit that the Royals would launch them through the stratosphere, over the state of Missouri, Southern Illinois and right into Rick Pitino's face was not conducive to winning the game and the Twins dropped their second in a row.

Game 9

Royals 3 - Twins 0

Winding up the road trip, the Twins were eager to get home, and, with a foul little storm blowing trough Kansas City, they didn't have a whole lot of motivation to go and do anything, not even pick up little Chris Parmelee or Brian Dozier from soccer practice or second base or whatever.

So do we Chris, so do we

Yup, the Twins went 0-11 with runners in scoring position, stranding 12 men Wednesday night. In fact, it wasn't until they went to the airport and Eduardo Escobar broke down crying that they realized they had left Brian Dozier on 1st base without telling him he could come back inside from the rain storm...(rookies...)

Mr. Peanut Award (best player of the past week): Chris Parmelee (Last week's nutty buddy got on base or an RBI in every game of the road trip...even the one where he only had 1 at bat)
Nutty Buddy Award (player who needs some support): Aaron Hicks (Batting .057 with strikeouts in almost half of his plate appearances shows that the man might need a little love)

Wha Happened? #1

In an effort to keep my blogging on a more consistent time-line, I have decided that rather than writing when the mood strikes me (or I sigh dispiritedly at my inactivity), I will try to post short recaps of each series after they wrap up--this way I have a regular time to write and a consistent subject to write about.

Of course, while lots of people will tell you what happened, only we Peanuts can tell you what happened...in our imagination!

Game 1

Tigers 4-Twins 2

When the game time temperature is 33 degrees, you tend to assume it's late October...or that you're playing in Nome. That temperature scared most players into bundling up, but our own resident Wild Vanimal, Vance Worley, went out hurling in his shirt sleeves. After struggling in the early innings, numbness set in and Worley was able to do his job effectively.

However the offense was somewhat lacking, as only our great and glorious Chairman Joe Mau...er picked up hits off Tigers' ace/opening day starter/video-game-cover-boy/beloved boyfriend of supermodels everywhere: Justin Verlander. Said Chairman Mauer of his continued hostilities with the Detroit Righty "We shall not allow the Tiger pups' imperial aggression to stand. Strikeouts are capitalist thievery of our people's glorious love of hitting. Our vengeance for today's defeat shall be swift and permanent!"

(Also...our nuclear reactor is totally connected to the power grid)

Game 2

Twins 3-Tigers 2

Correia before the post-game
buffet of tin cans

Following Monday's pledge from the chairman, the Twin fans approached Wednesday's game slightly warmer, but much more hesitant to cheer (as evidenced by the scant 22,000 people who paid...and even fewer who turned up). This might well be attributed to your favorite scapegoat and mine: Kevin Correia who couldn't even stink as terribly as we all thought he would when signed over the winter, becoming the second Twin pitcher to have a quality start in as many games.

Still, the Twins trailed after Correia left the game and continued to do so until the 9th inning when Eduardo Escobar (who?) hit a double off the wall in left. Escobar (him, you sure?) delivered the tying and winning runs to allow the local team to celebrate in grand style. Some of them even congratulated Escobar (really, him?) even though they occasionally called him "Pedro" or "Alexei" by accident.

Game 3

Twins 8-Tigers 2

With a record above .500 there's for the taking, it was widely assumed that the Twins would lose and lose horribly to keep order in the universe. This did not happen.

So now that we have a chaotic universe, does it really matter that Mike Pelfry pitched well in his first start since Tommy John surgery? (both runs were unearned) Now that the randomness of genetic inanity will lead to fish flying and birds swimming, does it really matter that Josh Willingham and Trevor Plouffe both homered? With black turning into white and Keannu Reeves inheriting the title of "Greatest Actor Ever", should we really care that Aaron Hicks got his first base hit and Ryan Pressley got his first strikeout?

Logically the answer should be no...but since there is no order in the universe logic is for suckers and yes! HUZZAH FOR THE TWINS!!

To wrap up, we'll pass out a few awards, because, honestly, they'll probably be some of the only awards we win this year.

Our Mr. Peanut (Best Player of the Series): Justin Morneau (consistent hitting, getting on base and fishing innumerable Pedro Florimon throws out of the dirt)

Our Nutty Buddy (Player who needs a little support): Chris Parmelee (the heir apparent to Morneau's spot in the order had a rougher start: 1 for 10 with 5 Ks, but he did catch Torii Hunter on a throw to third)

OUR Minnesota Twins (Part 7)

It's our final Get To Know 'Em post this Spring and we're delighted to send it off in style with two rising talents in the Twins ranks.

Meet Chris Parmelee! (Right Fielder/First Baseman)

Scott Boras at home

Player's Background: In the minor leagues Parmelee has been a steady presence at first base, hitting for some solid power numbers and earning raves from serious Twins fans who seem him as the heir apparent to incumbent first baseman Justin Morneau.

Alternate Background: Chris Parmelee is in fact the future, and I'm sure his agent (Scott Boras) will tell you that. In an effort to increase Parmelee's profile in the wake of Morneau's consistently popular "bench pressing with bears" McDonald's commercials, Boras has gotten Parmelee his own line of cheese! Yes, Chris Parmelee's Parmesean will soon be available at all fictional grocery stores, super markets and fromageries.

Positive Cheers: Behold the power of cheese! Chrissy-Chrissy-Parm-Parm!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Well, at least he got his calcium today.

Meet Liam Hendricks! (Pitcher)

Player's Background: There are few more frustrating pitchers than Liam Hendricks. All the statistics say that he should be ready for the major leagues. All the mechanics and peripherals make it seem like he should be ready for the major leagues. And yet he's a paltry 1-10 in the majors with a plus 6 ERA. Still...he has an arm so...

Alternate Background: The promising Righty from Perth is often lauded as one of Australia's top baseball products, and with good cause: he's as Aussie as a rugger singing Waltzing Maltida after eight pints of Fosters. So though his technique in American athletics might be a little less orthodox, he might be as powerful and important an Australian import as Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe or...okay, just Crocodile Dundee, or as we will now refer to him: Crocodile Hendree!

Positive Cheers: That's not a fastball...this is a fastball! He'll lay you flat out like a lizard drinkin!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't worry Liam, you had a rough outing...we'll refrain from gently mocking your beloved homeland and not even mention the words "shrimp" "barbi" "dingo" or "baby"