Laughing through the Pain: Hitters & AARP

A year ago I offered an alternative statistic for measuring player worth--not in wins/losses, but in the far more useful field of entertaining the fan base: Amusement Above Replacement Player (AARP) for short. The statistic is measured in five key categories on a scale of -2 to +2, 

• Play 
• Nickname:
• Physical Traits: 
• Personality/Demeanor:
• Oddities: 

When added up, these statistics gives us a total AARP somewhere between -10 and +10. 

Last year, the AARP statistic revealed that while the Twins could hit, they couldn't really inspire much to interest the general public. Beyond Joe Mauer there just weren't many other people of note, Brian Dozier's break out season aside. A year older and wiser, it's worth wondering who if anyone has been able to grab attention and interest of the masses.

Again regular statistics don't always do it justice, but there's reason for optimism for Twins fans, especially when it comes to the offensive side of the ball.

Josmil Pinto--Last year's promising start was tempered by the fact he neither got regular playing time, nor did he get to stay with the team all year. But on the plus side, I'm now convinced that "Josmi-and-the-Pussycats" is going to be the next great Saturday Morning Cartoon.
AARP: 1.6 (Up +0.6 from last year)

Eduardo Nunez--Having been saved from the Yankees, Nunez has a little redemption/comeback story about him, but is never as interesting, curious or good as other players AARP: 0.2 

Chris Colabello--The plucky, scrappy narrative story line remains a fan favorite and even though he will likely never get better than the one magical month that one magical month makes him special. AARP: 0.9 

Aaron Hicks--It seems like there are two camps on Aaron Hicks, those who will never forgive him for disappointing them the first time, and those who will need at least two seasons of great play before they learn to love again AARP: 0.6

Kennys Vargas--The big bopping Rookie who actually has more than a single month under his belt, Vargas is definitely encouraging irrational optimism with his Ortiz-esque appearance, Ortiz-esque interview style and Ortiz-esque moon shots. Even his nascent nickname's ("Li'l Papi", "Bam-Bam", etc) are winners. AARP: 3.4

Chris Parmelee--Parmelee is the forlorn example of where the Twins were for so many years: neither amazingly talented nor totally without promise and featuring nearly no personality at all. AARP: 0.3 (Same as last year)

Oswaldo Arcia--"Ar-see-ya" (or "Waldo" as I prefer to call him) keeps earning loyalists. The streaky power he has flashed for two years promises to make Target Field's faithful stand up and cheer every time he crushes one when it counts (seeing his standing-o back in May was proof of that), and the unpredictabilty of his mohawk has entrenched him as a local landmark. AARP: 3.1 (Up +1.6 from last year--gains in playing (though not defensively), nicknames, and physical appearance)

Danny Santana--I sadly left behind my cable subscription right around the time Danny Santana became a fixture in the Twins line-ups but I have remained consistently impressed by his positivity and energy despite being consistently played out of position by Twins management. Whether or not he ever gets a chance at shortstop "Dan-San" or "Dan-the-Man" has a sizable leash from Twins fans. AARP: 2.3

Eduardo Escobar--Brad Swanson began the Eddie 500 campaign in the spring and I was happy to join in the fun, little did we know that we were witnessing something even better: the emergence of "Nick Punto 2.0". For both that nickname and his play, I salute you Eduardo Escobar! AARP: 2.5

Gratuitous Plouffe Bash

Kurt Suzuki--The man who was supposed to be a back-up, then a place holder for Josmil Pinto, just never went away. Between the clutch hitting, the positive community involvement, the unique Hawaiian background, and--now--the long-term contract, Suzuki's lovable, but perhaps a little early in his peak. AARP: 2.9

Joe Mauer--The Chairman (all praises to his name) continues to be mildly amusing to those of us who know him best, but right now it looks like he's trying to keep up on the field and has slipped below the level of nationally recognized superstar. AARP: 4.8 (Down -0.4 in field performance)

Trevor Plouffe--The joy of shouting "Trevor!" in my best Neville Longbottom impression has risen dramatically this year, and the head smacking stupidity of his play at third base has decreased. Combine those two factors and you have a far more AARP: 1.8 (Up +1.4 thanks to on-field performance and wider variety of nicknames)

Yeah Diamondcentric
did it better

Brian Dozier--The biggest surprise of last year continued his flair for great hitting, highlight-reel-fielding, impressive hair, and a true good-ol-boy southern charm. He's not the face of the franchise like Mauer is, but he is a tremendous asset and widely appreciated both on the field and in the community. AARP: 4.2 (Up +0.5 with wider appreciation of nickname, and off field personality)

Last year's break down of the offense showed one elite player (AARP Greater than 5.0, Mauer) and one local favorite (AARP Between 2.0 and 4.9, Dozier). This year while Mauer's not a nationally elite name any more, the core of the team seems solidly in place. With Santana, Escobar, Suzuki, Arcia, Vargas, Dozier, Mauer (plus Glen Perkins and Phil Hughes on the mound) creating a rather likable, if not world-beating core of the team, the Twins have much larger set of players who fans can form an attachment to. 

Of course many other writers will point out the folly in forming an attachment to players whose greatest value is on the trade market, but hey, if you wanted genuine analysis of player value, you wouldn't be reading this article about a totally made up and arbitrary statistic.

If you'd be interested in more "shouting", "yelling", "making things up" then I eagerly encourage you to post in comments or suggest other directions for the postings.

Cliff Notes Guide to the 2014 Twins: "When I bound the Rose sheaves"

Summary: Ch. 3 "June"

Entering the month of June the Twins were still lurking on the fringes of what could be defined as a "dangerous" team. One that didn't know it wasn't good enough to be playing like it was. One that could rely on youthful exuberance, energy and enthusiasm to see them through good days and bad, perhaps best symbolized by Oswaldo Arcia's triumphant return to the fan base's hearts and minds against Milwaukee.

Pity it didn't last

Yet Arcia's twisted ankle in the next inning is an obvious harbinger of the difficulties to come. Because into this scene of insouciant optimism came the Houston Astros, the Twins' mirror image in both youth, recent history and foolish optimism. Faced with their mirror image, an given an opportunity to own their identity, the Twins instead reverted to a feeling of smug superiority and were critically exposed in a series loss to a "team" in name only.

Rather than grab hold of our inadequacy and owning it in a moment of self-realization, the Twins sought external intervention from Kendrys Morales. Morales' veteran acumen made him a likely mentor-figure, but his tragic flaw of both doughy physique and extended absence from the game made it challenging for him to halt our emerging malaise.

Sure enough, the longer we journeyed away from our safety net, our security blanket (if you will), the harder it became for us to survive as up-and-comers. Step by step the Tigers, Red Sox, Angels and Rangers battered our fledgling optimism until it an all other hopes for greatness were bundled away for the year, as the rose sheaves in Robert Browning's poem. Whether or not this recognition serves to benefit or bedraggle the Twins has yet to be seen...that's what the second half of the season is for...obviously.

Character Development

Kyle Gibson/Phil Hughes--The dueling courters for the fickle fan's hearts these two pitchers seem to alternate hot and cold by the month. Their mystique is engaging, yet aggravating, as fans continue to quest for their one true pitching love. 

Brian Dozier--Dozier's progress continues in fits and spurts. Blooms of triumph are tempered with the storms of inaccuracy and self-imposed pressure. His emergence still makes him the closest thing to a protagonist this season has, but his fall may mirror the story's as well.

Joe Mauer--As with all things Mauer, his month featured  both flickers of hope and shadows of despair. His hitting stroke returned, but the team faltered again. His command of the strike zone was more evident, but he was injured near the end of the month and seemed poised to vanish again into the backdrop of the story as swiftly as he emerged.

Glen Perkins--Joining Mauer in the ranks of under-developed static characters of the season is closer Glen Perkins. Rumors of his tremendous performance are everywhere. Like graffiti tags asking "who is John Gault?" or the infamous red "V" from Frank Miller's dystopian graphic novel: V for Vendetta. Yet, he appears so infrequently that there's little to appreciate and even less to dissect.
Kendrys Morales--The third chapter of our season introduces a new character, a rarity for the Twins' series of season-long books, but a welcome one. Morales' dualism--symbol of contender status/presence on a losing team; designated hitter/ineffective hitter--offers another confounding presence that is hotly debated in literary/baseball circles.

Key Quotes/Stats Explained
Pitcher WHIP with 3-5 Runs of Support--1.505. Unsurprisingly, the Twins perform poorly when they have 2 or fewer runs, and are great when they have more than 6. But most of the season they've been in the 3-5 runs of support range. Unfortunately, that's when the pitchers have had their worst Walks + Hits Per Inning Pitch (a measure of average base runners allowed per inning). To reach that average we likely have three base runners every two innings. That's not bad if you have one single in one inning, but it gets rougher if you have a walk followed by a double, you're playing with fire.
Team Road tOPS+--91--the tOPS measures how far above or below the total On-Base Plus Slugging Percentage is (100 = the same, 0-99 = Worse,  101+ = better). For all the talk about Target Field being a hitters park, the Twins as a team are significantly better at home than on the road, and that's most apparent in the driving forces for the team. Brian Dozier's tOPS+ is 69, and Kurt Suzuki's is 79. While each man is an increasingly beloved fixture for the team, their performance near loved ones is clearly different than their performance elsewhere.

Literary Term to Impress your Teacher/Attractive English Major Friend:

In time almost every baseball season shift their focus away from the starry-eyed romantic or idealistic perspective towards the genre of Naturalism. This stark, honest, appraisal of reality is clearly evidenced in the tonal shift of the Twins' June. Gone are the fanciful imaginings or idyllic appraisals of our present and future, instead we confront the world as it is with a fuller experience of both the trials of frequent defeats interspersed with notable joys (i.e. sweeping the White Sox). While this may seem disappointing, cynical or unpleasant in comparison with the happy fluffy early stage of the season, Naturalism is really a genre designed to rediscover the beautiful by stripping away the false claims and artificial window dressing that most artists rely on. If you have wanted the Twins to be focused on the future rather than the present, you really want them to be as Naturalistic as possible the rest of the season.

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat That Matters (Pt. 2: The Hitters)

This is the second in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, now we're using it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

A player with a high AARP should appreciate this meme

Coming into this season there were lots of high hopes for the offense. If they did what they had done the year before and the pitching made even a marginal improvement the Twins might be on the outskirts of the playoff race by the time July rolled around.

Instead, the pitchers were on point early on in the season, while the bats were stone cold. And though the pitchers turned into pumpkins around about May, the offense remained as sluggish as the crowd at a Sons of Norway Meatball supper all throughout the summer. In an effort to improve things, management jettisoned underperforming veterans (Jamey Carroll and Justin Morneau) and played the revolving door call-up game with underperforming prospects (Aaron Hicks, Chris Parmelee and Oswaldo Arcia). It wasn't terribly successful and in the end of the year a concussion for Joe Mauer saw our one consistently potent weapon spending weeks in rehab rather than an inning on the field.

Going forward the Twins need to find some kind of offensive identity: piranha style slash and dash? Mauer-powered double carousels? Pull happy homer fests? All are possibilities. But however they choose to play the game, they'll need amusing players to sell it to fans, and we're here to evaluate just how amusing current players were this season, so we can tell if they'll be useful long term.

Here now, the Twins hitters, as measured by AARP.

(Remember -8 to -.6 is an unlikable player; -.5 to .5 is a forgettable player, .6 to 2.0 is an every day major leaguer, 2.1 to 5.0 is a fan favorite 5.1 to 8.0 is a nationally recognizable talent, 8.1 to 10.0 is a national favorite)

Chris Parmelee
Play: Parmelee just didn't have the bat that we hoped he did, and now it's clear why his defense made him such an intinerant fielder throughout his minor league career. 0.1
Nickname: We were rooting for calling him "Chicky Chicky Parm Parm" in a Parks and Rec reference, but I don't think Parmelee deserves it 0.2
Traits: Mostly bland and unrecognizable 0.1
Demeanor: Just a work a-day ball player -0.1
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP:  0.3

Trevor Plouffe
Play: From time to time his bat clicks in the perfect way, but more often than not his defense is so bad that watching it through a bag on your head seems to be the only viable option 0.4
Nickname: "Plouffe Daddy" "Plouffe Diddy" "Plouffe There It Is"--all great signs of Plouffe's cool yet irritating double nature. Harry Potter Fans may still just call him "TREVOR!!" 0.5
Traits: As you'd expect of a close friend to Delmon Young he's both cocky and seemingly oblivous to his failures -0.3
Demeanor: Quiet, distant, nonchalant -0.1
Oddities: None...other than the really weird plays -0.1
AARP: 0.4

Darrin Mastroianni
Play: Hampered by injury, Mastroianni went from a starter to a footnote this season  -0.5
Nickname: None 0.2
Traits: None noticed 0.3
Demeanor: None noticed 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 0.4


Oswaldo Arcia
Play: Statistically, Oswaldo doesn't seem that impressive. By league wide standards he's below average (-.4 WAR), but given his youth, potential and the awesome sight of home runs leaving his bat, his play has a slightly different feel for fans who watched him regularly 0.8
Nickname: I tried "Blizzard of Os" or "Blizzard Wizard" but neither of those really work and "Where's Waldo" is just odd -0.2
Traits: Tall, bulky, with a hesitating and thick Spanish accent. 0.2
Demeanor: Quiet beyond the field, a little proud on it 0.1
Oddities: None, a typical quasi-cocky kid 0.0
AARP: 0.9




Josmil Pinto
Play: Though he only made it up briefly at the end of the season, and has a skewed sample size (see Parmelee, Chris) he was pretty impressive when he was there 0.3
Nickname: None...yet -0.2
Traits: None noticed -0.1
Demeanor: Pretty self amused, full of aww shucks surprise at his good fortune to be in the game 0.4
Oddities: Walks up to the plate to Mumford and Sons...making him the Twins first "Hipster- American" player and my wife's new favorite 0.6
AARP: 1.0

Ryan Doumit
Play: I'm awfully amused by Ryan Doumit, but I get the sense that few others are. A back up catcher who doesn't catch, Rightfielder who doesn't field and designated hitter who had only a few good weeks of hitting this year -0.1
Nickname: I like calling him "Ryan Suave" but I'm alone on that one 0.1
Traits: Permanently scruffy, often quiet, usually distant 0.3
Demeanor: Seemingly cranky when he doesn't get his shot -0.1
Oddities: I may be the only one to notice or care, but Doumit's propensity for leaving three or more buttons undone is something out of Magic Mike 0.8
AARP: 1.0



Pedro Florimon
Play: Awful hitting, really good fielding 0.6
Nickname: None, maybe "Flor-E-mon" for those who aren't satisfied with his defense -0.3
Traits: So quiet and distant that you forget he's out there, seems to have inherited Alexi Cassila's role on the team and his goofy little goatee 0.2
Demeanor: Silent during the game, happy enough to do the jump at the end of the game 0.1
Oddities: He does the same unbuttoned shirt thing as Ryan Doumit, albeit less frequently  0.4
AARP: 1.0

Josh Willingham
Play: After a tremendous first season in Minnesota, Willingham's injury plagued sophmore showing had some looking for a way to get rid of him 0.3
Nickname: "The Hammer" "Willing Hammer" and other hardware puns--I still think the blonde bomber looks like Thor, but I haven't been able to sell that one yet 0.6
Traits: Big, eye black wearing beast of a hitter, easy-going 0.4
Demeanor: Southern-fried courtesy, has some good old Deep Thoughts moments 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 1.7

Brian Dozier
Play: In addition to competent fielding (a rare thing in a Twins second baseman) Dozier had above average hitting (a very bizarre thing a Twins second baseman) 1.4
Nickname: "Brian Dozer", "Bull Dozier", "Tupelo Two Bagger" 0.7
Traits: Beautiful flowing mane of hair, awesome southern accent 1.1
Demeanor: Calm, happy go lucky, easy to talk to and willing to make a few small jokes 0.2
Oddities: None really, other than coming from the same town as Elvis and a recent anthrax mailer 0.3
AARP: 3.7


Joe Mauer
Play: After all the razzing and jokes at the expense of his "bilateral leg weakness", #7 came back with a great season, at least until the concussion knocked him out of the last month of the year 1.9
Nickname: "Chairman Mau-er", "The Joebot" 1.4
Traits: The sideburns have been shaved, but the standard issue Minnesota humility is still on display 1.0
Demeanor: He's got charisma in commercials, in average interviews he sounds like a plate of mashed potatoes  0.4
Oddities: Since we know him, we know about some of the weirder quirks--only because he's our own Prince William. So the "rap" career, the "Twin" babies, the fan mail mom are all endearing oddities to us, even if they're missed on a more national scale  0.5
AARP: 5.2

So by my reckoning, the current Twins line-up has one nationally recognizable talent (Mauer, naturally) one local favorite (Dozier), and five players who are about as amusing as the average major league you watch close to 100 times a year. I'm not even trying to count guys like Alex Pressly, Eduardo Escobar, or Chris Colabello (all of whom have to rank about near Parmelee levels right now.

Sure, Buxton and Sano have all the potential to be interesting and engaging players when their times come, but in addition to a decent middle infielder and a slugging first basemen, the Twins should put some time into developing a little personality in the batters box.

Think my ratings are bogus, you're probably right, they are totally subjective and made up...but unless you say something I'll never know. Offer your revised AARP ratings in the comments below.

Wha' Happened #9: (v.s. Chicago, @ Cleveland)

Game 69
Twins 7 - White Sox 5
The Twins do not care for power hitting. It hurts the feelings of our opponents after all, and we can't have that.

But we're willing to make an exception for the White Sox.

Mauer the Great and Powerful

Said Chairman Joe Mauer of his two-run homer: "Ya know...all things are possible through the will of the Twinnesotan Proletariat and ya know umm....My power will continue to make Twinnesota the greatest, strongest most powerful nation the world has ummm...ya know...ever known."

Ryan Doumit's game winning double was slammed to left center over the sounds of sweet smooth jazz and a beautiful sunset.

Game 70
Twins 7- White Sox 4

At the ball park for the second time in as many weeks, we were a little nervous when we saw Chris Sale on the hill. Stinky's dad in particular kept muttering: "this isn't good", "Sale's tough", "he's been pitching really well" and sure enough--despite a bouncing ball that ticked Brian Dozier and a double given up to Ryan Doumit--Sale recorded four quick strike outs. Then Oswaldo Arcia, our very own Blizzard of Oz delivered a hex upon Chris Sale, blasting him with a spell/line drive up the middle.

Brian-dozer, not sold in stores

Suddenly Sale was shaken and beatable, never more so than when he faced that most intimidating of all Twins hitters: Brian Dozier. A cookie of a pitch later and the BrianDozer knocked Sale's hopes of success to the ground with a three run homer.

Somewhere a child's toy box shouted with glee as the tonka truck and wizard doll triumphed.

Ballpark Food Haiku: Cheese Curds/Sundae Cone

Gnawing on rubber

Heat lamps freeze the soul of taste

Icy sanctuary

Game 71
Twins 8 - White Sox 4 
Invigorated by the previous night's offensive outburst the young "rough-and-tumble" Twins hitters decided they wanted to do it again in the sunshine.

"PLEASE!" whined Oswaldo Arcia "PRETTY PRETTY PLEEEEEEEASE let us hit some homers Gardy!!"

"It's such a pretty day! There's lots of people there to catch them! We won't break anything we promise!!" said Eduardo Escobar.

"Indubitably, old bean!" announced Cletington Aberforth Thomas VIII, "it will be a veritable potpurri of hitting genius!"

Gardy looked uncertain, then came Brian Dozier, wailing through sobs "I...just..want...to...keep...smashing...stuff...DOOOOOWWN!!!"

With a grumble and a spit, Gardy finally allowed "Alright, you can do it...but just because it's the White Sox"

Game 72
Indians 5 - Twins 1
Fun fact! In literature there's something called: "the pathetic fallacy" in which the protagonists mood is reflected by the weather outside.

Ex. Her tears streaked down her face just as the rain streaked the window outside

Twins example: The hurricane force winds blew through the Twin Cities as the Twins blew any chance they might have had for a comeback in the 7th inning.

Game 73
Indians 8 - Twins 7
Battling a balky knee and a bitter slump, Josh Willingham, our local non-unionized Thor equivalent. Knew the one and only thing that would cheer up a Twins team gobsmacked by PJ Walters' first inning, six-run debacle.

"By the power of Mjolnar, and all that is pure and just in this world, I say that we shall unleash the THUNDER UPON THESE FOOLISH MORTALS!!"

Thunder cracked. Lightning flashed. And the universe seemingly split around all of Minnesota.

Then Chris Parmelee muttered, "Umm...Josh...we're in Cleveland...unleashing thunder in Minnesota doesn't help us at all..."

"Oh," said Willingham. "Well, I'm out of ideas then..."

Game 74

Oh ma cherie Sota,
open your heart to Livan...

Twins 5 - Indians 3
Pedro Hernandez returned to the Twins rotation and, despite frequently missing the strike zone he found a way to pitch effectively for five plus innings and give the team a chance to get a much needed win.

Somewhere in the world another former-Twins pitcher who frequently missed the strike zone, but managed to pitch quasi-effectively never the less felt at peace with the universe...as though his one true love was remembering him through the sands of time, and it brought a tear of sweet relief to his heart.

"'Sota...I love you Sota...I hope dat Pedro is as lovin' to you as you deserve...but know that I will alway be here to lovin' you as well..."

(You may tear up as needed)

Mr. Peanut of the Week: Casey Fein (establishing himself as very solid middle reliever)
Nutty Buddy of the Week: Josh Willingham (clearly feeling hurt...get well soon Joshua)

Wha' Happened #6 (@Indians & Red Sox, V.s. Orioles & White Sox)

Rumors of our demise our greatly exaggerated. Rumors of the school year ending, our student teacher leaving and our work load increasing dramatically are absolutely accurate. Here now, a pseudo-recap of the weeks since the Twins last got a day off.

Game 27

Indians 7 - Twins 6

Long ago I first wrote about the magical Land of Cleve, a blighted kingdom where no team can win for long and where all the knights in the land eventually flee for other kingdom's with better salaries and dental packages.

But a strange thing happened in the last year. The Land of Cleve, they have rebounded, regained themselves and found a new King! King Terry the Lost who shockingly has found powerful knights throughout his kingdom (to complement the slightly quirky: Sir Kyrie who-Likes-to-Pretend-He's-an-Old-Guy-But-Really-Isn't.)

So it was with much confusion that the Territory of Twinnesota entered the land of Cleve for the first battle of the year, only to find that, rather than rolling over and begging for mercy (as they normally do) the resilient knights of King Terry the Lost, rebounded until Sir Drew of the Swollen Toes delivered the fatal blow to our hopes

[Wasn't that a lot more fun to read than just: "Drew Stubbs hit a walk-off..."]

Game 28

Indians 7 - Twins 3

Bad Correia!!

Kevin Correia pitched poorly! Let the indiscriminate blame and pointless recriminations BEGIN!!

Kevin Correia is directly responsible for the Twins loss in Cleveland, Joe Mauer's distraction from hitting, the repeated threat of snow in late April and May and the mailing of toxic ricin to political leaders.

Game 29

Twins 4 - Indians 2 

Let us take a moment to acknowledge the contributions of someone oft forgotten in my offense-centric recaps Glen Perkins aka The Dread Pirate Joe Nathan. (Remember, Perk adopted the intimidating name  to foil hitters. The real Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has been living like a King in Patagonia...or at least a Patagonia outlet store near Dallas)

Dread Pirate Joe Nathan v. 2.0

Sunday, with the Twins staked to a solid three run lead, The NEW Dread Pirate Joe Nathan entered the game determined to triumph in the most Dread Pirate-y way possible to wit: increasing the level of difficulty until his crew mates were convinced he was going to destroy them all...only to triumph at the last second. Following the lead off homer to left he bellowed "FAAARRRRGHARRAGH" [That's pirate for "good, now they have false hope"], then the hard stung single to right elicited an "AVARGH!!" ["Now I must defend my bounty of saves against the agents of the crown"], and when he settled down to end it all his triumphant "BLARGHERAGHERAGH!!!" [suck it Indians!] could be heard up and down the Cuyahoga.

Game 30

Red Sox 7 - Twins 6

Under careful scrutiny since St. Paul native/Twins Legend/Blue Jays Announcer/Walking Mustache Jack Morris accused him of using a substance on his shirt sleeve to throw a spitball, Boston starter Clay Buchholz attempted to throw suspicious parties off the scent of his duplicity by coating his sleeve in a different substance during the first inning.

That substance: suckitude!

And in an even greater sign of his criminal genius, Buchholz, swapped jerseys in between innings, so that one inning of giving up hits to the heart of the order [1st] and the bottom of the order [4th] (after applying copious amounts of suck to the ball) were balanced out by innings of dominance against the bottom [2nd] and heart [3rd] of the order.

Well played Buchholz, Well played.

(On a similar well played note, we were all so amazed at Joe Mauer's leaping catch of a relay throw home that we were brainwashed into assuming that he also applied the tag. Proving that no one plays it as well as Mauer does.)

I'd write more about the end of the game, but sometime around the 9th Red Sock wandering out of the batter's box and fouling off pitch after pitch to prolong the game, I decided that I should sleep...okay, I was put to sleep...which come to think of it is another genius strategem. CURSE YOU RED SOX!!

Game 31

Twins 6 - Red Sox 1

Full confession, I did not hear or watch one minute or second of this game. Instead I was with student-athletes at a track meet in Watertown which does not yet have a huge out-of-town-scoreboard (hint, hint local taxpayers!). But with 7 innings of shut-out ball, Scott Diamond is more than welcome to join the team I coach as an endurance instructor. (Back up Red Sox Third Baseman Pedro Ciracio is not allowed anywhere near the shot put, javelin or discus)

Game 32

Twins 15 - Red Sox 8

It was a thrilling trip to Boston, particularly for Aaron Hicks who made his Fenway Park debut. But just as Aaron was scared of "The Grimm" during the previous home stand, there was the awfully intimidating Green Monster out there in Left field. (I blame Hitting Coach Tom Brunansky's scary bedtime stories)

Fortunately there is one man who will always rescue our nation's children and worried rookies. He who personifies goodness and light, he who banishes fear and despair to the unfathomable void of the abyss beyond the stars. Yes our great and powerful chairman looked into the depths of the monster's eyes and slated the beast with his mighty bat of justice and truth (and also with the help of our mighty line-up which draws strength from the mere presence of his sideburns).

Rest easy young Hicks-y, for wherever our mighty Chairman resides no monster dares to tread.

Twins 33

Twins 5 - Red Sox 3

It's easy to make fun of rookies, they're young, they don't have a clearly defined personality. But one guy seems determined to stop me from making fun of him. That man? Oswaldo Arcia: the Blizzard of Oz!

How did our Blizzard Wizard triumph during his debut series at Fenway? By clobbering balls all over the yard. There are also unconfirmed reports of him shouting "Depulso!" to use a banishing charm on the two run shot that gave us a series victory over the "mighty" bean-towners. We here at Peanuts From Heaven will always encourage magic as a solution to life's problems...keep it up Oswaldo, keep it up.

Game 34

Orioles 9 - Twins 6

After all the triumphs in Boston, the Twins returned home to face another AL East team, and picked up right where they left off, battering an opposing pitcher just because they could.

But with all this natural awesomeness we neglected to discuss one important facet of the team: relief pitching. After-all, hitting is half the game, and really easy to romanticize; starting pitching talent is new and relatively amazing to Twins fans used to mind-numbingly bad starts; relief pitching...well...it's just part of the game, like the designated hitter and drunk guys.

Too much time feeling ignored and unloved can wear on you, and so [I imagine with absolutely zero proof] there was a discussion in the Twins pen between Josh Roenicke and Anthony Swarzak.

Roenicke: "Can you believe the blogosphere's ignoring use Anthony?"

Swarzak: "Swarzak!"

Roenicke: "I've gone more than an inning every game since April 4th! And you've only given up 3 walks all year!!"

Swarzak: "Swarzak!"

Roenicke: "Exactly! What's a guy got to do to earn a little gentle ribbing, a little joke that I sound like I should be a hockey player, or that I grew a soul patch because I was worried about whether or not I'd go to heaven"

Swarzak: "Swarzak!"

Roenicke: "Don't rub it in man...I know...I'll blow up randomly and then people will have to write about me...you in?"

Swarzak: [Cough...cough] "Sorry, I've had that cough of years now...yeah, sure let's do this.

So that happened, and we gave up the lead.

Game 35

Twins 8 - Orioles 5

It's funny but true...Vance Worley, arguably the most promising pitching acquisition the Twins made in the offseason, had gone winless since August of the previous year. Hmm, actually that's not so much funny as sad.

We got you Vanimal, we got you

This was most troubling for the heart of the Twins order, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. After all this was their very own Vanimal, and both were big fans. After all Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was a genuinely popular band in Canada, and Baby Vanimal (from the Muppet Babies) was a favorite of Baby Jesus)

Thus it was that the Twins' biggest boppers came to the rescue of another poor performance by the vanimal, cranking out six hits, and quite a bit of head banging in response to the Vanimal's demand that he needed more runs.

Game 36

Orioles 6 - Twins 0

For Mother's Day, Scott Diamond's mom asked for just one thing: "play nice with the other boys Scotty!"*

We applaud Mama Diamond for raising a fine upstanding athletic boy, and we're all for sportsmanship, but clearly this instruction ran contrary to pitching coach Rick Anderson's "NO MISSING THE PLATE! NO MERCY!!" instruction. In the end, the Orioles kind of owned Scott Diamond and the Twins lost the game, but it's kind of nice that Scott Diamond listened to his mom (but lets just save that for mother's day)

*Note, I can't decide if this excuse is any less absurd than the "Mother's day game ball is slightly different" Twins writers actually used

Game 37

Twins 10 - White Sox 3

A little more than a week ago, ESPN noted that Adam Dunn (the White Sox Designated Hitter) had the  2nd lowest batting average in the American League (thereby questioning the whole "hitter" part of the title "Designated Hitter"). The lowest? Twins Centerfielder Aaron Hicks.

As a result this series with the White Sox felt seriously like a good ol' fashioned show down between Hicks and Dunn to prove who was marginally less bad than the other. Sure we could crunch the stats of who really won, but why not review it like the three rounds of your typical old school brawler video games.

The first round went decidedly to Aaron Hicks who seemingly owned every aspect of Adam Dunn's game. Delivering a punishing Centerfield Bomb attack on his face, pulling an amazing reversal on Dunn's own Dinger Assault, and then delivering his signature finishing move the "oh-my-god-you-can-get-more-than-one-hit-in-a-game-it-might-as-well-be another-home-run".

Game 38

Lets watch it again...and again...

White Sox 4 - Twins 2

In order to get back at Aaron Hicks decisive first round KO Adam Dunn resorted to the defense of all desperate video gamers: Mashing buttons on the controller indiscriminately hoping that things turn out okay. 

Sadly it worked, geting a cheesy, bottom-of-the-health-bar, lucky shot victory (what with the home run to Hicks' o-fer.)

Game 39

White Sox 9 - Twins 5

Before the last round of the fight [or game of the series if you prefer], Aaron Hicks pressed pause to go to the bathroom and get a Dr. Pepper.

Then Adam Dunn unpaused it, demolishing a blithely bopping on his heels Aaron Hicks with a pair of Dinger Assaults, as if that somehow proved that he was a better gamer than Hicks. When Hicks came back, Dunn stood up muttered something about "really gotta get home, my parents and lawn mowing and indiscriminate mumbling" grabbed a full bag of Doritos and a Dr. Pepper and took off.

So congrats Adam Dunn, you won this round...but Aaron Hicks will be back. Oh yes, he will be back.

Mr. Peanut for the last two weeks: Oswaldo Arcia (if only to stop festooning Joe Mauer with these trophies)

Nutty Buddy for the last two weeks: Pedro Hernandez/Casey Fien (they haven't been bad, but they sure haven't helped much)

Wha Happened? #4 (@ White Sox & v.s. Marlins)

Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Twins Baseball

Game 15

Cold Weathered Out

After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February?

Game 16

Twins 2 - White Sox 1

In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal.

Game 17

Twins 5 - White Sox 3

Years ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us.

And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see.

Facing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings."


Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..."

The Blizzard of Oz

Game 18

Gross Weathered Out

In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska.

Game 18 Take 2

Twins 4 - Marlins 3

Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game.

Game 19 

Marlins 8-Twins 5

Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco, "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs, "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger,

Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (with a small sample size this mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted)

Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes)