Cliff Notes for the 2015 Twins: Chapter 4

The first days of school are right around the corner for many tykes in Twins Territory, so to help you with that summer reading you neglected, here's some more notes about that local best-seller: The Minnesota Twins

Chapter 4: Post-All-Star Break to End of August

Plot Summary:

While the doldrums in Chapter 3 appeared foreboding, the climactic triumph of Glen Perkins and Brian Dozier's march to the All-Star Game (and accompanying 6-1 stretch) offered a great deal of hope to Twins fans. As I wrote then 

"As Perkins and Dozier rise as protagonists, it will be interesting to see what obstacles and conflicts are thrown in their way to create dramatic tension for the rest of the season."

In many ways, those obstacles and conflicts are part of Chapter 4's great unraveling....

OOH BOY!
It's worth 5 cents!

On a Summer Vacation style trip to Oakland and Los Angeles, Glen Perkins' save streak came to an abrupt end.  Home series against the Yankees and Mariners didn't help matters and a swift sweep at the hands of the Blue Jays at the start of August left many people questioning whether or not the whole season was doomed.

It didn't help that the Twins' attempts to bolster their squad were...underwhelming, as very few kids clutch their "Kevin Jepsen" or "Neal Cotts" trading cards. Sure enough many people targeted the bullpen as a disappointment, and the starters didn't help matters by following the struggles in Toronto by spending a weekend in Cleveland where no starter got through 4 innings. 

Meanwhile, in the line-up, Dozier's daunting numbers have slipped, dropping forty points in On-Base Percentage, and one-hundred points in Slugging Percentage, right when (as the pitching shows) his bat would be quite valuable. An eleven run outburst against the Rangers helped them in the Wild Card, but by the time the Twins hit New York for another series agains the Yankees the rival Royals' division lead had stretched to 12 games. After (yet another) sweep in the Bronx, that lead was 14, and even the wild card seemed out of reach. Particularly when the two All-Stars were so far from the heroes they seemed to be just months before.

Or so it would have been, if another hero had not emerged over Chapter 4. Twins' fans hearts have begun to pitter-pat in a way they haven't since the days of "Baby Jesus", fittingly thanks to an Angel...or rather, an Ángel. Miguel Ángel Sanó. The burgeoning power and satisfying patience offset a strike-out happy debut, and once joined with his fellow rookie sensation Byron Buxton, Sano helped carry the Twins to a staggering 8-2 run to close out the month, with all the wins coming against fellow playoff contenders in Baltimore, Tampa Bay and Houston.

Do it again Miguel!

So despite the doom and gloom that pervades chapter four, again the authors' of the Twins season offer reasons to hope entering the next thrilling chapter.

Main Character Development:

We've mentioned the falls of both Perkins and Dozier and the plot summary referenced the rise of Sanó, but baseball seasons' don't just develop the obvious protagonists, they develop everyone.

Consider Eduardo Escobar: this was a player who seemed for all the world to be an tossed-in trading chip on an insignificant deal during the middle of a lost year. A player so insignificant, that our review of the trade focused more on a poem about the departing Francisco Liriano than any reflection on who was coming over. Three years later, while the man he was traded for has been solid on the mound, Escobar has become something of a cult figure in Twins Territory, occupying a space once reserved for Nick Punto or Gene Larkin. He has out-hit Pedro Florimon, out-fielded Danny Santana, and out-everythinged potential trade bait to become the starting short stop on a play-off contender. That's a heck of a return for three months of poor performing Francisco Liriano.

Pictured: The Bachelor in Paradise
equivalent of Terry Ryan holding
Ervin Santana.

If you want a less optimistic development consider Ervin Santana: At the end of Chapter 3, Santana twirled a fine game against the division leading Royals, with eight strikeouts in eight innings, leaving the K deprived Twins fans eager to #SmellBaseball (and in many cases, learn what hashtags really meant). He seemed to be a bright spot on the dispiriting West Coast road trip and then spent a six game stretch allowing an average of 5 runs per start and winning exactly zero of those games. High hopes were dashed, and the cheers turned to questions about whether we had been bamboozled by steroid inflated numbers, just like Joe was hoodwinked by Samantha's 200 texts on Bachelor in Paradise (don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about). Perhaps his 10 Strikeout performance will redeem him...or perhaps he's a pineapple.

Key Quote/Stat Explained

+tOPS in High Leverage At Bats

+tOPS is a way to tell if a player is performing better or worse than they normally do. 100 is average, so any thing above that is good for a hitter (and bad for a pitcher), anything below 100 is bad for a hitter (and, obviously, good for a pitcher).

Leverage is a means of measuring how any individual at bat can affect the outcome of the game. If a pitcher can get an out in a high leverage situation (like, say, the bases loaded with no outs and a one run lead) that's a little more important than a low leverage situation (like, say, facing the number nine-hitter with two out, nobody on, and a ten-run lead).

When the going gets tough...

Right at the end of Chapter 3 the Twins turned Trevor May into a relief pitcher, and while it hasn't been as narratively satisfying as some other characters' arcs, it is instructive in this situation. After all, May has pitched a lot this season, in all kinds of situations as both a starter and a reliever. In low leverage situations, he's performed like he usually does (tOPS = 104). In medium (or average) leverage situations he's performed like he usually does (tOPS = 108). In high leverage situations he has been significantly better (tOPS = 74).

Those numbers are all still about average by league standards, but it suggests that Trevor May can be quite good right when the Twins need him to be (no matter which role he's pitching in).

Literary Terms to Impress English Majors:

If the 2015 Twins are a mystery to you, as they are to most fans, then you're ready to find out exactly what this year has been a Red Herring and what isn't. 

The 2015 Twins plot points

Many hard core mystery fans know to expect red herrings, or misleading clues in the course of their story, say when a suspect is called "a bad, bad man" by a trustworthy source right when the detectives are looking for a "bad, bad man". Naive readers may assume, the "bad, bad man" is the villain, trained readers know that there's something else a foot.

So the best writers (or those who like messing with readers the most) enjoy piling red herring on top of red herring until you have a veritable smorgasbord of deceptive head fakes, winks, nods and suggestions leaving everyone totally bewildered. So, if you're trying to figure out your team's identity and you're perpetually bombarded by mediocrity, then brilliance, then ineptitude, you know you've got a Red Herring, you just don't know which one. The same goes for players: is Glen Perkins the shut down closer of your dreams, or an injured work horse? Is Brian Dozier an MVP candidate, or a great head of hair and a winning smile? Is Ervin Santana a disaster or a diamond? Is Neal Cotts another Bargain Bin retread, or just what the doctor ordered?

The climactic chapter of the Twins' season is yet to come, all will be revealed, and all the herrings will be eaten.

Cliff Notes for the 2015 Twins: Chapter 3

Again, I've been derelict in my duty--though I was out of the country and away from reliable internets for a while there. Still were back with another nerdy English-Class style recap of the last month (plus) in Twins Territory

Chapter 3: June to the All-Star Break

Plot Summary:

So great was the joy among fans after a shockingly strong June, that the Twins could, to many eyes, have appeared better than they actually were. So it was only slightly surprising that the team stumbled badly in June.

The slide began by dropping two out of three to the Brewers (who had not been terribly impressive) at Target Field. Then the rival Royals ended the Twins' time atop the Central with a sweep (culminating in Torii Hunter's freak out) and the doldrums continued as they dropped two out of three to the Rangers, but in an effort either to stop the slide or to hold on to their quavering place in the attention of local fans the Twins called up the first of their dynamic prospects: Byron Buxton.

Buxton's arrival accompanied the only Twins win in Texas, and despite two losses in St. Louis, his thrilling play and daring speed were on fine display as the team returned to the Twin Cities in excellent form evening the score against the Cardinals, several close games against the Cubs and a crushing of the White Sox. Sadly, a slide against the White Sox also crushed a bone in Buxton's thumb, and he was removed from the lineup as suddenly as he appeared.

Efforts to repeat the magic on a return trip to Milwaukee by calling up another touted prospect in Alex Meyer were unsuccessful. The National League again thwarted the Twins' momentum as the Brewers and Reds squeezed the home town 9 to a paltry 4-8 record against the bottom 3 teams in the NL Central. Meyer was duly demoted and again things looked grim.

The Twins went to the prospect well a third time and called up Miguel Sano for their visit to Kansas City. As a pure hitter, Sano trumped even the heralded Buxton, and his 11 game hit-streak coincided with the Twins sudden offensive rejuvenation as they finished the first half of the season on a 8-3 run, good enough to put them in 2nd place in the division and 2nd place in the entire American League.

Main Character Development:
The true climax of this chapter was the All-Star Game and the two Twins players who went, recognized as being among the best of the best (the 90th percentile of players in the major leagues). First and foremost, the acknowledged top closer in the league: Glen Perkins. Perkins broader acclaim was all the more note worthy for where he had come from: failed starter, unhappy demoted pitcher, after thought set-up reliever, and, as of now, owner of the best Save streak in Twins history (28 in a row). Most impressively, in this chapter of the season he faced 45 batters and allowed only 6 of them to reach base (a .133 OBP against).

Perkins was joined in Cincinatti by second baseman Brian Dozier who was initially left off of the roster. That snub may have been the best thing for him. It begat a voting campaign (No Bull, Vote Dozier); it got his name mentioned consistently in the national press and on cable tv, and it aligned perfectly with an outburst of timely hitting including two walk-off home runs and another in the All-Star Game itself that captured a great many eyeballs across the country and began a genuine grumbling campaign that he might be the league MVP (assuming he both kept it up and found some way of getting Mike Trout to fall into a temporal vortex). What was once a cute photoshop on this blog is now a common talking point (so much so that at a wedding I attended last weekend, both the bride and my grandmother could be found discussing him).

As Perkins and Dozier rise as protagonists, it will be interesting to see what obstacles and conflicts are thrown in their way to create dramatic tension for the rest of the season.

Key Quote/Stat Explained:
Pythagorean Winning Percentage: .528

As any fan can tell you, occasionally the better team loses. Unlucky bounces, dumb umpire calls, a slight stumble on a soggy infield, all of it can turn the game when you least expect it. So there's the Pythagorean Winning percentage, in which the square of the hypotenuse of a right tri...wait, no...that's Pythagorus' Triangle Theorem...when he was brought forward to the present by Doctors Bill S. Prescott and Theodore Logan to watch baseball and party on dude, he (and Bill James) developed an equation to measure how many games a team should win based on both their runs scored and their runs allowed.

To wit:

                      (Runs Scored)^1.83
---------------------------------------------------------
(Runs Scored)^1.83 + (Runs Allowed)^1.83

via baseball Reference

Basically dividing the (approximate) square of a team's runs scored, by the (approximate) square of their runs scored PLUS the (approximate) square of their runs allowed should yield an average result.

So while many Twins fans are dancing joyously at the fact that the Twins have the second best record in the American League, our Pythagorean Winning Percentage can show whether we are really lucky, a little lucky, or even unlucky to be where we are.

The Twins Pythagorean Winning Percentage is .528 (or 52.8%); their real world winning percentage is .551 (or 55.1%), so they've only been about 2.3% luckier than their run total would suggest. So they are actually a solid team with the chance to get better (unlike the White Sox who are below 500 and still 8% luckier than they ought to be).

The one down side is the Twins have a lower Pythagorean Winning Percentage than 8 other teams, including three currently outside of the playoff hunt: the Orioles (7% unlucky), the Blue Jays (8% unlucky) and the Athletics (9.8% unlucky). If those teams see their records normalize a bit, and the Twins drop even a percent in their luck, people dreaming of the playoffs can put a pin in it.

Literary Term to Impress English Majors:
Writers throughout history have relied on a simple belief: everything's better in threes. Hence "The Rule of Three". Things are funnier, easier to remember, generally more meaningful if you combine things in threes: three volume novels; three act plays; three little pigs; three bears; I came, I saw, I conquered; stop, drop, and roll; a priest, a minister, and a rabbi

It doesn't just take three things to fit the rule of three, they should be thematically connected and structured in such a way as to make meaning. So take the Twins June/July call ups: Buxton/Meyer/Sano.

From L-R: Meyer, Berrios, Sano, Buxton
(Good news, Jose: you don't have to worry about this rule)

1. Buxton comes first, and excites the fan base, we need him and he looks pretty good but it's over early due to the thumb injury. 
2. Meyer comes second, the fan base is a little less excited, but there's enough mention of his pedigree, status and dominance as a reliever in AAA to make him enticing, and it's over very quickly when he gets hammered by big league bats. 
3. Sano comes last, and while he's long been one of the two big names in the Twins' system, the structure is set up to make at least a few fans regard another call-up skeptically. So his offensive outburst with power and patience seems like a pleasant surprise, even though he has always looked capable of this.

Obviously, I don't think the Twins intended Buxton and Meyer to have such unpleasant endings to their Major League debuts, but if there was some sort of magical script-writing in all of this, it would be a pretty great use of the Rule of Three.

The Cure for the Twins Offense

Though the Twins' offense has struggled to generate many runs in the month of June, their tremendous success in May and the method of their outburst against the White Sox yesterday reminds us all of what has worked for the team all year: Hit Clusters.

Now, the Twins, along with local business partners in the breakfast cereal industry are out to share the secret of their winning ways with the populace at large in this new advertisement for a special Twins Centric Cereal!

[Our first shot is of Twins clubhouse where a dejected looking Kennys Vargas and Byron Buxton sit at the team breakfast table]

Kennys: It isn't easy to be a big leaguer...

Byron: Yeah, and you'd think they'd be able to afford something better than simple toast for us too...

[Brian Dozier enters, with a big smile and, if possible, animated unicorns and ninjas]

Brian: Are you guys tired of your boring breakfasts and wishing you could score more runs?!?

Kennys: That is literally what we were just saying.

Brian: Try HIT CLUSTER CEREAL! A joint venture of the Minnesota Twins, General Mills, and Malt o Meal! The official Cluster-Based Cereal of the Minnesota Twins!!

Byron: Do we have an Official Non-Cluster-Based Cereal?

Brian: Don't change the subject Rookie!! HIT CLUSTER CEREAL contains all the valuable nutrients you need to connect hits together for a big inning!!

[A series of other smiling Twins players appear with the cereal]

Torii Hunter: It's got Single Almonds!

Trevor Plouffe: It's got Double Granola Granules!!

Eddie Rosario: It's got Triple Fiber Flakes!!!

Brian Dozier: Not to mention Home Run Flavor!!!!

Joe Mauer: Sometimes, when I really want to cut loose, I even have some with vitamin rich Milk.

Torii: For the last time Joe, don't flaunt your decadent party life style in front of the kids!

Joe: Sorry...

Brian: C'mon Guys! Try a bite!!

Kennys: Wow! That taste sure comes through in the clutch!

[All the Twins Laugh heartily before the final Voice Over]

VOICE OVER: Hit Cluster Cereal is available for a limited time only, and is part of a balanced breakfast with other great Official Minnesota Twins foodstuffs like "Base on Balls Bread" and "Orange (You Glad We're Facing White Sox Pitchers) Juice"

The Great Twins Scotch Bet of 2014: Conclusion

After our second year of watching and gambling on Twins baseball, we Peanuts from Heaven had our annual pay-off dinner/drinking fest at the St. Paul Grill, aligning perfectly with Game One of the World Series. And while Stinky bemoaned Alcides Escobar's lousy pitch selection (seriously, three pitches up by his eyes? I mean...who does he think he is, Delmon Young?), we also made time to talk about the team we actually care about.

In the midst of the third...or maybe fifth...scotch, I started to think that there were, surprisingly, some similarities between the drinks I savored and the players who made it possible. High falutin'? Yes. Totally subjective? Sure. Overly generous to players who still managed to lose 90 games? You bet. But hey after this many scotches, it's hard not to get a little generous.

Kyle Gibson = The Strathisla 12 Year

Gibson struggled at the beginning of his career. Then, after showing some promising points to him, but he had a hard time finishing the job in later innings/months of the season. The Strathisla [pronounced, Strah-eel-ah] smells a little like minerals when you start, then tastes both sweet (like caramel) and potent (like pine), before finishing a little meekly.

The Edradour 10 Year = Eduardo Escobar

The Edradour, or...Eduaradour, if you will, comes from the smallest distillery in Scotland, it's relatively under the radar, seemingly unimpressive and generally unknown. But those who know it, and like it are fiercely loyal. As if the backstory isn't convenient enough, there's the fact that the drink tastes like a mix of mild peppers and pulpy citrus...you know, like an occasionally defensively stylish, occasionally offensively potent short stop. 

Brian Dozier = the Glenmorangie 18 year

Obviously, Brian Dozier is the team's current Dream Boat. A total sweetheart of a guy who, has a bevy of fans, like Glenmorangie (outsold only by the big guns of Glenlivet, Macallan, Glenfidditch and Balvenie). The 18 year old variety is just as sweet as Dozier's looks, with wheaty/grain like notes that bring to mind the amber waves of his hair, before finishing with a little woody kick (kind of like Dozier's home run pop).

The Glenmorangie Quinta Ruban = Glen Perkins

Speaking of the Glenmorangie, the Quinta Ruban's my personal favorite, not unlike Glen Perkins himself. There's spices and orange-y sweetness for a full-bodied dram that finishes nicely. Perkins himself obviously finishes nicely, is "full bodied" to put it politely, and as his twitter-feed and rapport with his running wife suggests has a fine mix of spice and sweet.

Phil Hughes = The Balvenie 21 Year Portwood

Balvenies are slightly more obvious in the global market (not unlike Phil Hughes former team, the Yankees). But even among Balvenies (or Ex-Balvenies as the case may be) a 21 year old scotch is a rare thing, much smaller in volume than most of the 3-8 year old scotches that dominate the market...this doesn't come along very often. And when you finish the drink in a special port barrel, it adds layer upon layer of complexity. I didn't know much about Phil Hughes when he was signed, I don't know a tonnage about him now, but I do know that his season this year was a special one, and without it, I wouldn't have had this Scotch. So for that Phil Hughes I give you a special toast. Slainte.

Laughing through the Pain: Hitters & AARP

A year ago I offered an alternative statistic for measuring player worth--not in wins/losses, but in the far more useful field of entertaining the fan base: Amusement Above Replacement Player (AARP) for short. The statistic is measured in five key categories on a scale of -2 to +2, 

• Play 
• Nickname:
• Physical Traits: 
• Personality/Demeanor:
• Oddities: 

When added up, these statistics gives us a total AARP somewhere between -10 and +10. 

Last year, the AARP statistic revealed that while the Twins could hit, they couldn't really inspire much to interest the general public. Beyond Joe Mauer there just weren't many other people of note, Brian Dozier's break out season aside. A year older and wiser, it's worth wondering who if anyone has been able to grab attention and interest of the masses.

Again regular statistics don't always do it justice, but there's reason for optimism for Twins fans, especially when it comes to the offensive side of the ball.

Josmil Pinto--Last year's promising start was tempered by the fact he neither got regular playing time, nor did he get to stay with the team all year. But on the plus side, I'm now convinced that "Josmi-and-the-Pussycats" is going to be the next great Saturday Morning Cartoon.
AARP: 1.6 (Up +0.6 from last year)

Eduardo Nunez--Having been saved from the Yankees, Nunez has a little redemption/comeback story about him, but is never as interesting, curious or good as other players AARP: 0.2 

Chris Colabello--The plucky, scrappy narrative story line remains a fan favorite and even though he will likely never get better than the one magical month that one magical month makes him special. AARP: 0.9 

Aaron Hicks--It seems like there are two camps on Aaron Hicks, those who will never forgive him for disappointing them the first time, and those who will need at least two seasons of great play before they learn to love again AARP: 0.6

Kennys Vargas--The big bopping Rookie who actually has more than a single month under his belt, Vargas is definitely encouraging irrational optimism with his Ortiz-esque appearance, Ortiz-esque interview style and Ortiz-esque moon shots. Even his nascent nickname's ("Li'l Papi", "Bam-Bam", etc) are winners. AARP: 3.4

Chris Parmelee--Parmelee is the forlorn example of where the Twins were for so many years: neither amazingly talented nor totally without promise and featuring nearly no personality at all. AARP: 0.3 (Same as last year)

Oswaldo Arcia--"Ar-see-ya" (or "Waldo" as I prefer to call him) keeps earning loyalists. The streaky power he has flashed for two years promises to make Target Field's faithful stand up and cheer every time he crushes one when it counts (seeing his standing-o back in May was proof of that), and the unpredictabilty of his mohawk has entrenched him as a local landmark. AARP: 3.1 (Up +1.6 from last year--gains in playing (though not defensively), nicknames, and physical appearance)

Danny Santana--I sadly left behind my cable subscription right around the time Danny Santana became a fixture in the Twins line-ups but I have remained consistently impressed by his positivity and energy despite being consistently played out of position by Twins management. Whether or not he ever gets a chance at shortstop "Dan-San" or "Dan-the-Man" has a sizable leash from Twins fans. AARP: 2.3

Eduardo Escobar--Brad Swanson began the Eddie 500 campaign in the spring and I was happy to join in the fun, little did we know that we were witnessing something even better: the emergence of "Nick Punto 2.0". For both that nickname and his play, I salute you Eduardo Escobar! AARP: 2.5

Gratuitous Plouffe Bash

Kurt Suzuki--The man who was supposed to be a back-up, then a place holder for Josmil Pinto, just never went away. Between the clutch hitting, the positive community involvement, the unique Hawaiian background, and--now--the long-term contract, Suzuki's lovable, but perhaps a little early in his peak. AARP: 2.9

Joe Mauer--The Chairman (all praises to his name) continues to be mildly amusing to those of us who know him best, but right now it looks like he's trying to keep up on the field and has slipped below the level of nationally recognized superstar. AARP: 4.8 (Down -0.4 in field performance)

Trevor Plouffe--The joy of shouting "Trevor!" in my best Neville Longbottom impression has risen dramatically this year, and the head smacking stupidity of his play at third base has decreased. Combine those two factors and you have a far more AARP: 1.8 (Up +1.4 thanks to on-field performance and wider variety of nicknames)

Yeah Diamondcentric
did it better

Brian Dozier--The biggest surprise of last year continued his flair for great hitting, highlight-reel-fielding, impressive hair, and a true good-ol-boy southern charm. He's not the face of the franchise like Mauer is, but he is a tremendous asset and widely appreciated both on the field and in the community. AARP: 4.2 (Up +0.5 with wider appreciation of nickname, and off field personality)

Last year's break down of the offense showed one elite player (AARP Greater than 5.0, Mauer) and one local favorite (AARP Between 2.0 and 4.9, Dozier). This year while Mauer's not a nationally elite name any more, the core of the team seems solidly in place. With Santana, Escobar, Suzuki, Arcia, Vargas, Dozier, Mauer (plus Glen Perkins and Phil Hughes on the mound) creating a rather likable, if not world-beating core of the team, the Twins have much larger set of players who fans can form an attachment to. 

Of course many other writers will point out the folly in forming an attachment to players whose greatest value is on the trade market, but hey, if you wanted genuine analysis of player value, you wouldn't be reading this article about a totally made up and arbitrary statistic.

If you'd be interested in more "shouting", "yelling", "making things up" then I eagerly encourage you to post in comments or suggest other directions for the postings.

Cliff Notes Guide to the 2014 Twins: "When I bound the Rose sheaves"

Summary: Ch. 3 "June"

Entering the month of June the Twins were still lurking on the fringes of what could be defined as a "dangerous" team. One that didn't know it wasn't good enough to be playing like it was. One that could rely on youthful exuberance, energy and enthusiasm to see them through good days and bad, perhaps best symbolized by Oswaldo Arcia's triumphant return to the fan base's hearts and minds against Milwaukee.

Pity it didn't last

Yet Arcia's twisted ankle in the next inning is an obvious harbinger of the difficulties to come. Because into this scene of insouciant optimism came the Houston Astros, the Twins' mirror image in both youth, recent history and foolish optimism. Faced with their mirror image, an given an opportunity to own their identity, the Twins instead reverted to a feeling of smug superiority and were critically exposed in a series loss to a "team" in name only.

Rather than grab hold of our inadequacy and owning it in a moment of self-realization, the Twins sought external intervention from Kendrys Morales. Morales' veteran acumen made him a likely mentor-figure, but his tragic flaw of both doughy physique and extended absence from the game made it challenging for him to halt our emerging malaise.

Sure enough, the longer we journeyed away from our safety net, our security blanket (if you will), the harder it became for us to survive as up-and-comers. Step by step the Tigers, Red Sox, Angels and Rangers battered our fledgling optimism until it an all other hopes for greatness were bundled away for the year, as the rose sheaves in Robert Browning's poem. Whether or not this recognition serves to benefit or bedraggle the Twins has yet to be seen...that's what the second half of the season is for...obviously.

Character Development

Kyle Gibson/Phil Hughes--The dueling courters for the fickle fan's hearts these two pitchers seem to alternate hot and cold by the month. Their mystique is engaging, yet aggravating, as fans continue to quest for their one true pitching love. 

Brian Dozier--Dozier's progress continues in fits and spurts. Blooms of triumph are tempered with the storms of inaccuracy and self-imposed pressure. His emergence still makes him the closest thing to a protagonist this season has, but his fall may mirror the story's as well.

Joe Mauer--As with all things Mauer, his month featured  both flickers of hope and shadows of despair. His hitting stroke returned, but the team faltered again. His command of the strike zone was more evident, but he was injured near the end of the month and seemed poised to vanish again into the backdrop of the story as swiftly as he emerged.

Glen Perkins--Joining Mauer in the ranks of under-developed static characters of the season is closer Glen Perkins. Rumors of his tremendous performance are everywhere. Like graffiti tags asking "who is John Gault?" or the infamous red "V" from Frank Miller's dystopian graphic novel: V for Vendetta. Yet, he appears so infrequently that there's little to appreciate and even less to dissect.
Kendrys Morales--The third chapter of our season introduces a new character, a rarity for the Twins' series of season-long books, but a welcome one. Morales' dualism--symbol of contender status/presence on a losing team; designated hitter/ineffective hitter--offers another confounding presence that is hotly debated in literary/baseball circles.

Key Quotes/Stats Explained
Pitcher WHIP with 3-5 Runs of Support--1.505. Unsurprisingly, the Twins perform poorly when they have 2 or fewer runs, and are great when they have more than 6. But most of the season they've been in the 3-5 runs of support range. Unfortunately, that's when the pitchers have had their worst Walks + Hits Per Inning Pitch (a measure of average base runners allowed per inning). To reach that average we likely have three base runners every two innings. That's not bad if you have one single in one inning, but it gets rougher if you have a walk followed by a double, you're playing with fire.
Team Road tOPS+--91--the tOPS measures how far above or below the total On-Base Plus Slugging Percentage is (100 = the same, 0-99 = Worse,  101+ = better). For all the talk about Target Field being a hitters park, the Twins as a team are significantly better at home than on the road, and that's most apparent in the driving forces for the team. Brian Dozier's tOPS+ is 69, and Kurt Suzuki's is 79. While each man is an increasingly beloved fixture for the team, their performance near loved ones is clearly different than their performance elsewhere.

Literary Term to Impress your Teacher/Attractive English Major Friend:

In time almost every baseball season shift their focus away from the starry-eyed romantic or idealistic perspective towards the genre of Naturalism. This stark, honest, appraisal of reality is clearly evidenced in the tonal shift of the Twins' June. Gone are the fanciful imaginings or idyllic appraisals of our present and future, instead we confront the world as it is with a fuller experience of both the trials of frequent defeats interspersed with notable joys (i.e. sweeping the White Sox). While this may seem disappointing, cynical or unpleasant in comparison with the happy fluffy early stage of the season, Naturalism is really a genre designed to rediscover the beautiful by stripping away the false claims and artificial window dressing that most artists rely on. If you have wanted the Twins to be focused on the future rather than the present, you really want them to be as Naturalistic as possible the rest of the season.

Cliff Notes Guide to the 2014 Twins: "Rough Winds Will Shake"

We know how it is. Life is busy: with work and family and social engagements, there are a lot of demands on your time. So, if you tune out for a while during the long season, you're perfectly normal. Missing baseball games is not unlike missing reading assignments for school, so we're happy to provide this series of Cliff Notes to summarize, explain and analyze the story that is the 2014 Twins Season.

"Chapter II: May"

Summary: Boosted to a .500 record by the promising performances of a few "youthfully exuberant" protagonists, the Twins are forced to acknowledge the strains and challenges that accompany any growth spurt.

The initial tokens of optimism are cashed in or squandered like an arcade push game. The patience, increased on base percentage, boosted power numbers all dissipated in a flurry of National League fire-ballers from Los Angeles and San Francisco. The seemingly stable squad suddenly slipped and staggered, revealing that those who believed the team had undergone a total shift of character to be holding mere fools' gold.

But those who foresaw wreck and ruin have been similarly debunked, as the team made the most of the opportunities they did have, besting dangerous teams from Detroit, Boston and Baltimore. While offensive improvement and pitching performances might be temporary, gone for good are the days of apathetic and self-defeated baseball. 

At this stage in the story we know the truth about our setting and characters--they are not unstoppable forces for goodness and light, but neither are they morally bankrupt derelicts, squatting in dugouts and pocketing their paychecks regardless of their performance. That complexity encourages the audience to read on, curious to find how this newly complex cast of characters changes (if at all) over the season.

Notable Character Developments:

Kyle Gibson, Chris Colabello--Symbols of both the team's initial success April, and their slow decline in May.

Brian Dozier--After coming into his own in the first chapter of the season, Dozier very much savors the attention that surrounds him in the second. Heads turn when he goes by, channel surfers stop to watch him, and the internet bursts with mutterings of "extension"--an ugly slump near the end of the month shows he must beware overconfidence.

Phil...will you accept our rose?

Phil Hughes--The newest IT pitcher, for a group that falls in love with briefly-successful starters like contestants on "The Bachelorette" fall in love with being on TV. Yet he boasts signs of sincerity, including the fact that he walked no one for the entire month. (As walks are a symbol of ghostly, haunting presences, he seems poised to vanquish the ghosts of previous It pitchers--Scott Diamond, Francisco Liriano and Nick Blackburn)
Joe Mauer--Mauer continues to be a presence in name more than in production, posing the question of whether or not the offense is trapped in an absurdist play: "Waiting for Mauer". Perhaps it's poor luck, perhaps it's great defensive positioning, perhaps it's a sign of the apocalypse--fans and critics debate this matter fiercely.

Aaron Hicks--With Mike Pelfry nursing his groin (and all the Freudian meaning associated with that) the Twins' latest lost man in centerfield has taken on the mantle of ominous chasm where hope goes to die. The lowest Slugging and OPS on the team last month (save for the historically popular Jason Kubel), and questions about his work ethic, defense and engagement have soured his once bright future.

Key Quotes Explained:

Team Walks Percentage: April 12%; May 7%--A lot of the success of the team in the first month rested on their ability to coax walks from opponents, the drop in runs and the drop in walk rates have an impressive correlation...impressively bad that is.

Pitching Staff's Strike out to Walk Ratio: April 1.67; May 2.71--This is a major boost, especially given that we're talking about the Twins starting pitching, and sure a lot of it has to do with Phil Hughes, but Glen Perkins was similarly walk-less, and Kevin Correia, Ricky Nolasco and Jared Burton all improved their rates by 1 run or more. The tide turned because of everyone, not just one.

Twins fan mid-loss

A Literary Device to Impress Your Teacher/attractive English Major Friends:

Pathetic Fallacy--This term summarizes any time an author takes a lazy, cliched route to story telling and setting. Ever notice how when someone's in love there's sunshine and blue skies? Pathetic Fallacy. How it's always raining, when a character is in tears, depressed, isolated or alone? Pathetic Fallacy. Maybe they feel the way they do because of the weather, maybe the weather is blatantly reflecting their mood, but obviously, when the Dodgers crushed the Twins after a week of miserable weather...it was the pathetic fallacy. When we fought off one last frost warning and the team stank in San Francisco--pathetic fallacy. If this keeps up, here's rooting for 72 and sunny every day this summer. (Wait it's Minnesota...we're screwed).

Cliff Notes to the 2014 Twins: "The Cruelest Month"

We know how it is. Life is busy: with work and family and social engagements, there are a lot of demands on your time. So, if you've missed some developments in the first month of the season, you're perfectly normal. Missing baseball games is not unlike missing reading assignments for school, so we're happy to provide this series of Cliff Notes to summarize, explain and analyze the story that is the 2014 Twins Season.

"Chapter I: April"

Summary: At the beginning of the season, the Twins are a team in the doldrums of an interminable struggle for meaning and purpose, like the Joads on the road to California, the Crachit's on December 23rd, or the Kardashians...anytime. As they take the field for the first time in a cold and forbidding Chicago, there are few notes of spring (a symbol of hope) to be found. 

While an initial flurry of subpar performances and predictable defeats confirm that perception, there are some causes for optimism. One impressive pitcher and three solid hitters offer the sense that younger, less experienced players possess a kind of indefatigable patience and ethic that renews the spirits of weary souls. Soon, jaded on lookers are speaking in positive tones, and the initially laughable albatross of the manager's "1,000 Victory" humidor is forgotten.

Yet uncertainty pervades the atmosphere, will these younger talents maintain their performance or flame out like those common symbols of youthful exuberance in literature: foolhardy soldiers and mid-90s boy-bands? Will older veterans act on the model set by their juniors, or lapse into old habits?

Notable Characters:

Kyle Gibson--long standing Twins prospect, recovered from initial struggles in the previous year to post the best season of the major league starters

Brian Dozier--Southern gentleman second baseman with inexplicable, and heretofore unknown strength.

Chris Colabello--a journeyman, young by world standards, old within the context of his career, leading a charmed existence.

Josmil Pinto--The third potent hitter, very much in the "quiet giant" genre of characters.

Ron Gardenhire--The wise teacher/sensei/jedi master trope, only with less inventive nicknames

Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins--Two of the wearily-souled veterans, capable but worn by the past. They do not perform much in this chapter, but are likely to factor more prominently as the book progresses

Mike Pelfry--While the novel lacks an antagonist, Pelfry serves as its foil and counterpoint. Every strong outing from Gibson, every hit from the sluggers is balanced by his ongoing collapse, balancing the new life of the season and players with a "memento mori"--or death omen.

Key Quotes Explained:

Team On Base Percentage .353 (#1 in the American League)--The statistic combining both hits (traditionally a Twins strength) and walks (a new focus) demonstrates the growth and development of the team as they grow into a more patient, mature team.

Team ERA for Starters: 6.08 (#15 in American League)--Despite one pitcher's success, the team continues to flounder in this particular area--the ominous presence of Pelfry has particular relevance here.

A Literary Device to Impress Your Teacher/attractive English Major Friends:

Bildungsroman--This is the term for a novel that covers the moral or mental growth of its main character (in this case the Twins), or as people less fond of German might say it "a-coming-of-age-story". At this point in the season, the Twins of 2014 very much resemble a bildungsroman, both in the development and maturation of younger players (Gibson, Dozier, Josmil), inexperienced players (Colabello), and in team philosophy (increasing the walk rate and on base percentage). However, it is notable that the bildungsroman motif must be maintained for an extended time period--and a single chapter may be a little early to make that decision.

The Twins' New Year's Resolutions

It's been a while since our last post (blahblahblah job, blahblahblah earning salary, blahblahblah spending holiday time with friends and loved ones). But we're back with a very special post as we consider the 2014 resolutions of your Minnesota Twins.

Joe Mauer
Baseball Resolution: Hit like a boss now that defense doesn't crush my legs.
Life Resolution: Be hospitable while hosting my fellow all-stars this summer, maybe even say multi-syllabic words to them!


Brian Dozer

Baseball Resolution: Prove that hitting outburst last year was no fluke.
Life Resolution: Find out how Joe got that Head and Shoulder's commercial and send them my audition tape.


Trevor Plouffe
Baseball Resolution: Throw the ball to the big tall guy at first base as often as possible.
Life Resolution: Repeat life affirming mantra ("I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me") whenever fans make frowny faces at me.


Josh Willingham
Baseball Resolution: Get healthy. Get 30+ homers again. Get the hell out of here.
Life Resolution: See above.


Oswaldo Arcia
Baseball Resolution: Hit many more of those mammoth home runs.
Life Resolution: Build a time machine so I can see those mammoths run home.


Jason Kubel
Baseball Resolution: Rebuild career amongst my people.
Life Resolution: Attempt to smirk with the other side of my mouth.


Josmil Pinto
Baseball Resolution: Improve defensively by listening closely to my veteran catcher and veteran pitchers
Life Resolution: Improve my teammates by teaching them the harmonies to the entire Mumford & Sons catalogue through my walk up music.


Ricky Nolasco
Baseball Resolution: BE AWESOME!!!!!!!
Life Resolution: !!!!!!!!


Caleb Thielbar
Baseball Resolution: Keep being a badass left-hander
Life Resolution: Keep percentages in my favor by brainwashing every hitter to be left handed.



Phil Hughes
Baseball Resolution: Use new stadium to keep home run rates down, try to boost strike out rate.
Life Resolution: Every time I think about mean Yankee fans, just remember I've gone somewhere so far away that they'll forget I've ever existed...until we play a game in the Bronx...then drink heavily.

Jared Burton
Baseball Resolution: Continue to solidify the back of the bullpen.
Life Resolution: Popularize neck beards again.

Kevin Correia
Baseball Resolution: Keep doing what I'm doing, even if I've been demoted from staff ace to staff #3...again...
Life Resolution: Keep my arm attached to my shoulder.

Glen Perkins
Baseball Resolution: Get another All-Star Game spot by racking up the saves...assuming we have games that need saving.
Life Resolution: Keep telling truth to power [hitters]. (And by tell truth I mean talk trash/throw sliders)

Ron Gardenhire
Baseball Resolution: Rebuild the team so it's in good shape for the next guy
Life Resolution: Use word a day calendar to improve nicknames for the boys. Instead of "Plouffe-y" maybe, Penultimate Plouffe-Dog?

What are your New Year's Resolutions Twins Fans?

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat That Matters (Pt. 2: The Hitters)

This is the second in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, now we're using it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

A player with a high AARP should appreciate this meme

Coming into this season there were lots of high hopes for the offense. If they did what they had done the year before and the pitching made even a marginal improvement the Twins might be on the outskirts of the playoff race by the time July rolled around.

Instead, the pitchers were on point early on in the season, while the bats were stone cold. And though the pitchers turned into pumpkins around about May, the offense remained as sluggish as the crowd at a Sons of Norway Meatball supper all throughout the summer. In an effort to improve things, management jettisoned underperforming veterans (Jamey Carroll and Justin Morneau) and played the revolving door call-up game with underperforming prospects (Aaron Hicks, Chris Parmelee and Oswaldo Arcia). It wasn't terribly successful and in the end of the year a concussion for Joe Mauer saw our one consistently potent weapon spending weeks in rehab rather than an inning on the field.

Going forward the Twins need to find some kind of offensive identity: piranha style slash and dash? Mauer-powered double carousels? Pull happy homer fests? All are possibilities. But however they choose to play the game, they'll need amusing players to sell it to fans, and we're here to evaluate just how amusing current players were this season, so we can tell if they'll be useful long term.

Here now, the Twins hitters, as measured by AARP.

(Remember -8 to -.6 is an unlikable player; -.5 to .5 is a forgettable player, .6 to 2.0 is an every day major leaguer, 2.1 to 5.0 is a fan favorite 5.1 to 8.0 is a nationally recognizable talent, 8.1 to 10.0 is a national favorite)

Chris Parmelee
Play: Parmelee just didn't have the bat that we hoped he did, and now it's clear why his defense made him such an intinerant fielder throughout his minor league career. 0.1
Nickname: We were rooting for calling him "Chicky Chicky Parm Parm" in a Parks and Rec reference, but I don't think Parmelee deserves it 0.2
Traits: Mostly bland and unrecognizable 0.1
Demeanor: Just a work a-day ball player -0.1
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP:  0.3

Trevor Plouffe
Play: From time to time his bat clicks in the perfect way, but more often than not his defense is so bad that watching it through a bag on your head seems to be the only viable option 0.4
Nickname: "Plouffe Daddy" "Plouffe Diddy" "Plouffe There It Is"--all great signs of Plouffe's cool yet irritating double nature. Harry Potter Fans may still just call him "TREVOR!!" 0.5
Traits: As you'd expect of a close friend to Delmon Young he's both cocky and seemingly oblivous to his failures -0.3
Demeanor: Quiet, distant, nonchalant -0.1
Oddities: None...other than the really weird plays -0.1
AARP: 0.4

Darrin Mastroianni
Play: Hampered by injury, Mastroianni went from a starter to a footnote this season  -0.5
Nickname: None 0.2
Traits: None noticed 0.3
Demeanor: None noticed 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 0.4


Oswaldo Arcia
Play: Statistically, Oswaldo doesn't seem that impressive. By league wide standards he's below average (-.4 WAR), but given his youth, potential and the awesome sight of home runs leaving his bat, his play has a slightly different feel for fans who watched him regularly 0.8
Nickname: I tried "Blizzard of Os" or "Blizzard Wizard" but neither of those really work and "Where's Waldo" is just odd -0.2
Traits: Tall, bulky, with a hesitating and thick Spanish accent. 0.2
Demeanor: Quiet beyond the field, a little proud on it 0.1
Oddities: None, a typical quasi-cocky kid 0.0
AARP: 0.9




Josmil Pinto
Play: Though he only made it up briefly at the end of the season, and has a skewed sample size (see Parmelee, Chris) he was pretty impressive when he was there 0.3
Nickname: None...yet -0.2
Traits: None noticed -0.1
Demeanor: Pretty self amused, full of aww shucks surprise at his good fortune to be in the game 0.4
Oddities: Walks up to the plate to Mumford and Sons...making him the Twins first "Hipster- American" player and my wife's new favorite 0.6
AARP: 1.0

Ryan Doumit
Play: I'm awfully amused by Ryan Doumit, but I get the sense that few others are. A back up catcher who doesn't catch, Rightfielder who doesn't field and designated hitter who had only a few good weeks of hitting this year -0.1
Nickname: I like calling him "Ryan Suave" but I'm alone on that one 0.1
Traits: Permanently scruffy, often quiet, usually distant 0.3
Demeanor: Seemingly cranky when he doesn't get his shot -0.1
Oddities: I may be the only one to notice or care, but Doumit's propensity for leaving three or more buttons undone is something out of Magic Mike 0.8
AARP: 1.0



Pedro Florimon
Play: Awful hitting, really good fielding 0.6
Nickname: None, maybe "Flor-E-mon" for those who aren't satisfied with his defense -0.3
Traits: So quiet and distant that you forget he's out there, seems to have inherited Alexi Cassila's role on the team and his goofy little goatee 0.2
Demeanor: Silent during the game, happy enough to do the jump at the end of the game 0.1
Oddities: He does the same unbuttoned shirt thing as Ryan Doumit, albeit less frequently  0.4
AARP: 1.0

Josh Willingham
Play: After a tremendous first season in Minnesota, Willingham's injury plagued sophmore showing had some looking for a way to get rid of him 0.3
Nickname: "The Hammer" "Willing Hammer" and other hardware puns--I still think the blonde bomber looks like Thor, but I haven't been able to sell that one yet 0.6
Traits: Big, eye black wearing beast of a hitter, easy-going 0.4
Demeanor: Southern-fried courtesy, has some good old Deep Thoughts moments 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 1.7

Brian Dozier
Play: In addition to competent fielding (a rare thing in a Twins second baseman) Dozier had above average hitting (a very bizarre thing a Twins second baseman) 1.4
Nickname: "Brian Dozer", "Bull Dozier", "Tupelo Two Bagger" 0.7
Traits: Beautiful flowing mane of hair, awesome southern accent 1.1
Demeanor: Calm, happy go lucky, easy to talk to and willing to make a few small jokes 0.2
Oddities: None really, other than coming from the same town as Elvis and a recent anthrax mailer 0.3
AARP: 3.7


Joe Mauer
Play: After all the razzing and jokes at the expense of his "bilateral leg weakness", #7 came back with a great season, at least until the concussion knocked him out of the last month of the year 1.9
Nickname: "Chairman Mau-er", "The Joebot" 1.4
Traits: The sideburns have been shaved, but the standard issue Minnesota humility is still on display 1.0
Demeanor: He's got charisma in commercials, in average interviews he sounds like a plate of mashed potatoes  0.4
Oddities: Since we know him, we know about some of the weirder quirks--only because he's our own Prince William. So the "rap" career, the "Twin" babies, the fan mail mom are all endearing oddities to us, even if they're missed on a more national scale  0.5
AARP: 5.2

So by my reckoning, the current Twins line-up has one nationally recognizable talent (Mauer, naturally) one local favorite (Dozier), and five players who are about as amusing as the average major league you watch close to 100 times a year. I'm not even trying to count guys like Alex Pressly, Eduardo Escobar, or Chris Colabello (all of whom have to rank about near Parmelee levels right now.

Sure, Buxton and Sano have all the potential to be interesting and engaging players when their times come, but in addition to a decent middle infielder and a slugging first basemen, the Twins should put some time into developing a little personality in the batters box.

Think my ratings are bogus, you're probably right, they are totally subjective and made up...but unless you say something I'll never know. Offer your revised AARP ratings in the comments below.

Dog Days: The Ideal Offense

Hello Humans...my name is Sidney. I am a dog. I am going to write some blog posts this month.

My humans normally write this blog thingy about baseball and good stuff. But lately they've been all tired and stuff. They get up and run many miles while I sleep on the porch. They work on things like spreadsheets and lesson plans while I sleep on the couch. They clean up the house and and read lots of books and cook tasty foods while I sleep on...well..anything they aren't cleaning or reading on.

That leaves very little time for baseball watching, and even less time for baseball writing. The hairy human calls these "the dog days of August..." So I guess they are days for me to pick up the slack!

I like baseball. It is a chance to eat food that my humans drop and sit next to them for three hours of uninterrupted petting. I also like watching the humans on the screen. They run and run and run...like me! They chase balls lots and lots...like me! They are capable of amazing feats of strength and power.

I am fluffy.

But I would rather be fluffy than be strong.

I think the Twins would be better if they balanced strongness with fluffiness.

Think about it. If you hit the ball over the fence then you cannot chase it anymore. It's gone. Behind every wall are gnomes and pixies and things that are playing with the ball. I can smell them. They are bad. The Twins should keep the ball on their side of the wall so they can keep playing with it. If it hits off the wall than the Twins get to run and run, and the other teams have to run and run.

I know that the power is a good thing and it helps the Twins to win the games that make so many humans happy. But if all you have is power, then you don't have other good things, like speed and fluffiness!

Atta Human, Brian!

So they should hit some home runs but not only home runs. They should be like the strongest, fluffiest person I know: Brian Dozier. He is an inspiration to us all. Sometimes strong, but always fluffy. Of course, a .726 OPS is not that impressive, but it is marginally above the second base average for the league and shows signs of improvement that may continue in coming years. Also his hair is fluffy. He is my favorite.

Okay, my human is looking for someone to play tug-of-war with. I am going to beat him this time. For I am strong and fluffy. I am the Brian Dozier of the Dog World.

Bye for now humans. Enjoy the dog days

Sidney the Dog

Wha' Happened #9: (v.s. Chicago, @ Cleveland)

Game 69
Twins 7 - White Sox 5
The Twins do not care for power hitting. It hurts the feelings of our opponents after all, and we can't have that.

But we're willing to make an exception for the White Sox.

Mauer the Great and Powerful

Said Chairman Joe Mauer of his two-run homer: "Ya know...all things are possible through the will of the Twinnesotan Proletariat and ya know umm....My power will continue to make Twinnesota the greatest, strongest most powerful nation the world has ummm...ya know...ever known."

Ryan Doumit's game winning double was slammed to left center over the sounds of sweet smooth jazz and a beautiful sunset.

Game 70
Twins 7- White Sox 4

At the ball park for the second time in as many weeks, we were a little nervous when we saw Chris Sale on the hill. Stinky's dad in particular kept muttering: "this isn't good", "Sale's tough", "he's been pitching really well" and sure enough--despite a bouncing ball that ticked Brian Dozier and a double given up to Ryan Doumit--Sale recorded four quick strike outs. Then Oswaldo Arcia, our very own Blizzard of Oz delivered a hex upon Chris Sale, blasting him with a spell/line drive up the middle.

Brian-dozer, not sold in stores

Suddenly Sale was shaken and beatable, never more so than when he faced that most intimidating of all Twins hitters: Brian Dozier. A cookie of a pitch later and the BrianDozer knocked Sale's hopes of success to the ground with a three run homer.

Somewhere a child's toy box shouted with glee as the tonka truck and wizard doll triumphed.

Ballpark Food Haiku: Cheese Curds/Sundae Cone

Gnawing on rubber

Heat lamps freeze the soul of taste

Icy sanctuary

Game 71
Twins 8 - White Sox 4 
Invigorated by the previous night's offensive outburst the young "rough-and-tumble" Twins hitters decided they wanted to do it again in the sunshine.

"PLEASE!" whined Oswaldo Arcia "PRETTY PRETTY PLEEEEEEEASE let us hit some homers Gardy!!"

"It's such a pretty day! There's lots of people there to catch them! We won't break anything we promise!!" said Eduardo Escobar.

"Indubitably, old bean!" announced Cletington Aberforth Thomas VIII, "it will be a veritable potpurri of hitting genius!"

Gardy looked uncertain, then came Brian Dozier, wailing through sobs "I...just..want...to...keep...smashing...stuff...DOOOOOWWN!!!"

With a grumble and a spit, Gardy finally allowed "Alright, you can do it...but just because it's the White Sox"

Game 72
Indians 5 - Twins 1
Fun fact! In literature there's something called: "the pathetic fallacy" in which the protagonists mood is reflected by the weather outside.

Ex. Her tears streaked down her face just as the rain streaked the window outside

Twins example: The hurricane force winds blew through the Twin Cities as the Twins blew any chance they might have had for a comeback in the 7th inning.

Game 73
Indians 8 - Twins 7
Battling a balky knee and a bitter slump, Josh Willingham, our local non-unionized Thor equivalent. Knew the one and only thing that would cheer up a Twins team gobsmacked by PJ Walters' first inning, six-run debacle.

"By the power of Mjolnar, and all that is pure and just in this world, I say that we shall unleash the THUNDER UPON THESE FOOLISH MORTALS!!"

Thunder cracked. Lightning flashed. And the universe seemingly split around all of Minnesota.

Then Chris Parmelee muttered, "Umm...Josh...we're in Cleveland...unleashing thunder in Minnesota doesn't help us at all..."

"Oh," said Willingham. "Well, I'm out of ideas then..."

Game 74

Oh ma cherie Sota,
open your heart to Livan...

Twins 5 - Indians 3
Pedro Hernandez returned to the Twins rotation and, despite frequently missing the strike zone he found a way to pitch effectively for five plus innings and give the team a chance to get a much needed win.

Somewhere in the world another former-Twins pitcher who frequently missed the strike zone, but managed to pitch quasi-effectively never the less felt at peace with the universe...as though his one true love was remembering him through the sands of time, and it brought a tear of sweet relief to his heart.

"'Sota...I love you Sota...I hope dat Pedro is as lovin' to you as you deserve...but know that I will alway be here to lovin' you as well..."

(You may tear up as needed)

Mr. Peanut of the Week: Casey Fein (establishing himself as very solid middle reliever)
Nutty Buddy of the Week: Josh Willingham (clearly feeling hurt...get well soon Joshua)

Wha Happened? #4 (@ White Sox & v.s. Marlins)

Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Twins Baseball

Game 15

Cold Weathered Out

After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February?

Game 16

Twins 2 - White Sox 1

In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal.

Game 17

Twins 5 - White Sox 3

Years ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us.

And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see.

Facing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings."


Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..."

The Blizzard of Oz

Game 18

Gross Weathered Out

In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska.

Game 18 Take 2

Twins 4 - Marlins 3

Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game.

Game 19 

Marlins 8-Twins 5

Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco, "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs, "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger,

Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (with a small sample size this mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted)

Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes)