The Cure for the Twins Offense

Though the Twins' offense has struggled to generate many runs in the month of June, their tremendous success in May and the method of their outburst against the White Sox yesterday reminds us all of what has worked for the team all year: Hit Clusters.

Now, the Twins, along with local business partners in the breakfast cereal industry are out to share the secret of their winning ways with the populace at large in this new advertisement for a special Twins Centric Cereal!

[Our first shot is of Twins clubhouse where a dejected looking Kennys Vargas and Byron Buxton sit at the team breakfast table]

Kennys: It isn't easy to be a big leaguer...

Byron: Yeah, and you'd think they'd be able to afford something better than simple toast for us too...

[Brian Dozier enters, with a big smile and, if possible, animated unicorns and ninjas]

Brian: Are you guys tired of your boring breakfasts and wishing you could score more runs?!?

Kennys: That is literally what we were just saying.

Brian: Try HIT CLUSTER CEREAL! A joint venture of the Minnesota Twins, General Mills, and Malt o Meal! The official Cluster-Based Cereal of the Minnesota Twins!!

Byron: Do we have an Official Non-Cluster-Based Cereal?

Brian: Don't change the subject Rookie!! HIT CLUSTER CEREAL contains all the valuable nutrients you need to connect hits together for a big inning!!

[A series of other smiling Twins players appear with the cereal]

Torii Hunter: It's got Single Almonds!

Trevor Plouffe: It's got Double Granola Granules!!

Eddie Rosario: It's got Triple Fiber Flakes!!!

Brian Dozier: Not to mention Home Run Flavor!!!!

Joe Mauer: Sometimes, when I really want to cut loose, I even have some with vitamin rich Milk.

Torii: For the last time Joe, don't flaunt your decadent party life style in front of the kids!

Joe: Sorry...

Brian: C'mon Guys! Try a bite!!

Kennys: Wow! That taste sure comes through in the clutch!

[All the Twins Laugh heartily before the final Voice Over]

VOICE OVER: Hit Cluster Cereal is available for a limited time only, and is part of a balanced breakfast with other great Official Minnesota Twins foodstuffs like "Base on Balls Bread" and "Orange (You Glad We're Facing White Sox Pitchers) Juice"

Where have we been?

Clearly our priorities are all messed up. There's been much baseball news and major Twins stuff and what have we peanuts been doing?

Well for starters we've been grooming our newest intrepid reporters: they'll be with us all off season and into 2012, and what they lack in opposable thumbs they more than make up for with adorableness.

Minnie (L) and Sid (R) resting up for a busy offseason

Secondly, we're still coming down off the shocking revelation that Nick Punto is a World Champion. Yes, last year's Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame inductee is now one of the few proud people who can call themselves "the best in the world". Granted, Nicky P wasn't exactly the most dominant hitter in October (or any other month for that matter) but after helping his team win one of the best Game 6s in baseball history and celebrating on the Busch Stadium infield dirt, he deserves his moment in the sun and we're all too happy to give the man his due. So raise your glasses Twins fans to Little Nicky Punto: the quintessence of "scrapitude".

He's all yours ladies!

Thirdly, we had about a two week period where we were literally dumbstruck at the news that Bill Smith was no longer GM and Terry Ryan is back in charge of the Twins on-field personnel. Bill Smith's been in charge ever since we started this blog, and while we've had our share of fun at his expense, we want to make sure that we give credit where credit is due. Bill Smith ran an actual, honest-to-goodness, real-life, major league baseball team that won many games, made many people happy and ensured that the sideburn-ed one would remain in Twins colors for the forseeable future. We always felt as though he wasn't quite as confident in the job as others were, but hey--he allowed us to keep making references to VH1's "The Pick-up Artist" so thanks for that Bill Smith! Meanwhile, we're happy to welcome back Terry Ryan, who may not be as easily photoshopped into compromising situations--but may just have the genius to get us out of the mess we seem to have fallen into.

Finally, we've been trying to find a good joke to make about Jamey Carroll, the Twin's latest free agent signing and (apparently) probable starting shortstop. There's the fact that both his first and last names are somewhat feminine, but we'll leave that pithy observation for those on their eighth Grain Belt in the fifth inning of a mid-June game. There's the fact that he's as Opie-looking as Adam Everett and older than Mike Lamb, but that's a little fatalistic and dour as we try to be peppy this off-season. Sure, Carroll could crater and leave us 7 million in the hole or he could be merely average as we mark time until something better comes along. But let's be optimistic: welcome to the Twins Jamey Carroll! May your on-base percentage be consistent, may your defense be a marked improvement over last year and may you grudgingly accept our goofy well wishes.

We'll be back again soon with an off-season blueprint, a ballot for the Peanuts' Hall of Fame and a new award to hand out.

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Ps. Right after we posted this Ryan Doumit was announced as a new Twins' signee...theoretically the ex-Pirate will be able to combine with the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan to form a fearsome, swashbuckling battery.