The Great Twins Scotch Bet of 2014: Conclusion

After our second year of watching and gambling on Twins baseball, we Peanuts from Heaven had our annual pay-off dinner/drinking fest at the St. Paul Grill, aligning perfectly with Game One of the World Series. And while Stinky bemoaned Alcides Escobar's lousy pitch selection (seriously, three pitches up by his eyes? I mean...who does he think he is, Delmon Young?), we also made time to talk about the team we actually care about.

In the midst of the third...or maybe fifth...scotch, I started to think that there were, surprisingly, some similarities between the drinks I savored and the players who made it possible. High falutin'? Yes. Totally subjective? Sure. Overly generous to players who still managed to lose 90 games? You bet. But hey after this many scotches, it's hard not to get a little generous.

Kyle Gibson = The Strathisla 12 Year

Gibson struggled at the beginning of his career. Then, after showing some promising points to him, but he had a hard time finishing the job in later innings/months of the season. The Strathisla [pronounced, Strah-eel-ah] smells a little like minerals when you start, then tastes both sweet (like caramel) and potent (like pine), before finishing a little meekly.

The Edradour 10 Year = Eduardo Escobar

The Edradour, or...Eduaradour, if you will, comes from the smallest distillery in Scotland, it's relatively under the radar, seemingly unimpressive and generally unknown. But those who know it, and like it are fiercely loyal. As if the backstory isn't convenient enough, there's the fact that the drink tastes like a mix of mild peppers and pulpy citrus...you know, like an occasionally defensively stylish, occasionally offensively potent short stop. 

Brian Dozier = the Glenmorangie 18 year

Obviously, Brian Dozier is the team's current Dream Boat. A total sweetheart of a guy who, has a bevy of fans, like Glenmorangie (outsold only by the big guns of Glenlivet, Macallan, Glenfidditch and Balvenie). The 18 year old variety is just as sweet as Dozier's looks, with wheaty/grain like notes that bring to mind the amber waves of his hair, before finishing with a little woody kick (kind of like Dozier's home run pop).

The Glenmorangie Quinta Ruban = Glen Perkins

Speaking of the Glenmorangie, the Quinta Ruban's my personal favorite, not unlike Glen Perkins himself. There's spices and orange-y sweetness for a full-bodied dram that finishes nicely. Perkins himself obviously finishes nicely, is "full bodied" to put it politely, and as his twitter-feed and rapport with his running wife suggests has a fine mix of spice and sweet.

Phil Hughes = The Balvenie 21 Year Portwood

Balvenies are slightly more obvious in the global market (not unlike Phil Hughes former team, the Yankees). But even among Balvenies (or Ex-Balvenies as the case may be) a 21 year old scotch is a rare thing, much smaller in volume than most of the 3-8 year old scotches that dominate the market...this doesn't come along very often. And when you finish the drink in a special port barrel, it adds layer upon layer of complexity. I didn't know much about Phil Hughes when he was signed, I don't know a tonnage about him now, but I do know that his season this year was a special one, and without it, I wouldn't have had this Scotch. So for that Phil Hughes I give you a special toast. Slainte.

A Game of Cold Weather and Hot Stoves Part III

Lately I've enjoyed toying with the idea of Game of Thrones mastermind George RR Martin would write about key events in the baseball offseason. With the Twins more or less moribund this time of year, it's the best way I can think of to be writing and giggling to myself. (More of the same are available at the sporting outpost Simon and I have set up [http://mackenzielowbudgetsports.tumblr.com/] including the Robinson Cano/Jay-Z Fanfic you've all be waiting for)

This week, George RR Martin writes the Masahiro Tanaka signing

The flickering of the fire off the pin-stripe cloaks armor was inspiring. It glittered and danced most dangerously, reminding all assembled for the royal audience that the king was both wealthy and powerful...and surrounded by a bunch of guys who could kill you just as soon as look at you.

But something made Ser Ivyn uneasy. He had been raised for this, a younger son of an average house he had no claim to property or title, and knew that his only way to survive in this world was to become handy with a sword and set of daggers, learning to hurl and spin them with deadly accuracy, leaving all those under his charge well guarded from the unwashed masses of humanity that hurl insults and feces with equal relish. 

His focus and dedication led him to the highest court in the land, at Yank's Landing, and earned him the noble title of Ser like many of his boyhood heroes: Ser Myke the Wise, Ser Andrew the Unaging, and Ser Rouger the One with Bacne and an Attitude Problem. Ser Ivyn was proud of all he had done, but, still uneasy.

After all, the recent unrest around Yank's Landing had made the King unpredictable, seeking far and wide for sellswords to add to the King's Guard. Some had made themselves invaluable, like Ser SeeSea, but all too often the king ignored the long nurtured, doubtlessly loyal knights (Ser Filip or Ser Jabba), leaving Ser Ivyn forever uncertain about his own future. 

Now there was a special welcome for Ser Teneka, who had been specially sailed across the wide and roaring seas to Yank's Landing. So great was the threat of the insurgents around him that the King sought out the greatest knights in all the world to protect him. And yet, thought Ser Ivyn, how long could you trust a sellsword to remain true? What was to prevent him from turning against you, as Roby had done just months before, vowing that he would be the King in his own way and galloping away with Ser Hova at his side.

There was danger afoot, and Ser Ivyn was uneasy. 

Let me talk about that some more for about 40 more pages without any other events actually happening...

A Winter Meeting's Guide to Twinsey World

Monday marks the kickoff of the Winter Meetings in Orlando, Florida (aka: a convenient holiday for baseball executives and their families).

Naturally, as the Twins do their part at the Winter Meetings for the next four days, they may make time to have a little fun in the Happiest Place on Earth That is Also a Festering Swamp. But the attractions they see may have extra ramifications on their plans for the next four days. Here we present the possible outcomes of how what they see and could manifest themselves in baseball moves. (From least likely to most likely


Ride: It's a Small World--If there are any little kids along side Twins execs, they may decide to go into Mattel's amazing wonderland of creepy dolls for other nationalities.
Result: BLOW IT UP!--Obviously, standing in the epic line, in the middle of Florida heat, only to sit on a thing for fifteen minutes worth of nauseating jerky motion and the world's nastiest ear worm of a song is going to drive any reasonable person insane. As a result we end up with the bizarre blow up our roster set moves including 

• Trading Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins, Miguel Sano, Byron Buxton and the Pentair Sustainable Water Solutions System for the Teseract and access to a super species of baseball players in another dimension
• Punching Ricky Nolasco and Phil Hughes turning their signings into a gigantic, evil prank
• Signing Trevor Plouffe to a 20 year 400 Million dollar contract

If you see any Twins execs around the "It's a Small World Ride" save them, for god's sake, save them.

Ride: Tower of Terror--The stomach-drop-inducing seven story fall is a favorite for thrill seekers...not exactly the most common adjective used to describe the Twins brain trust is it?
Result: Major Trade/signing--Flush with the giddy thrill of some free agent signing success they might just decide to double down on the whole experience and drop some more and throw caution to the win by bringing in Shin Soo-Choo, Matt Garza and/or Carlos Beltran.

Ride: Japan Booth at Epcot Center--This isn't so much a ride as it as pleasant and satisfying experience for people interested in a little culture, knowledge and family bonding. (That does sound like a Twins outing
Result: Make a bid for Masahiro Tanaka--The Twins are big on understanding players and reaching out to them, so maybe they think a little background research will be an added perk to a bid for Tanaka. Of course, first Japan has to approve baseball's new system, then the Twins have to win or tie the bid process, and finally Tanaka has to consider talking to the Twins about anything other than "what's the Yankee's number again?"


Ride: Pirates of the Carribbean--A Disney World landmark and must-see stop on the tourist trail can churn out happy patrons who are only mildly unnerved by the slowly gyrating animatronic pirates.
Result: Minor trade/signing--Did someone say "mildly unnerved by slowly gyrating animatronic" somethings? Sounds like an aging back up catcher to me!! (John Buck? JP Arrencibia? Yorvit Torrealba?) Also, did someone say "churn out happy patrons"? Maybe we're due a minor swap of prospects, or at least a Rule 5 draft pick!

Ride: Wonder why there's only Teri license plates in the gift shop--Honestly, the Twins probably are going to be focused on the baseball side of business. If Terry Ryan does anything, it may just be stopping by the gift shop for a memento only to find that all the playful license plates read "Teri" and "Bort".
Result: Nothing--Every year I predict that nothing much will really happen at the Winter Meetings. And this year I'll hold to that more than ever. They've signed two free agents. They've dropped more money on the market than ever before. If the Twins do anything beyond kick the tires and chew the fat, it might well be a big surprise.

Ricky "Human Exclamation Mark" Nolasco

News broke yesterday that former Marlins/Dodgers pitcher, Ricky Nolasco will be signing with the Twins (reportedly for a four/five year deal worth between 49 and 62 Million dollars).

There are many things to consider in this signing: the sudden acquisition of a (relative) strike out artist for a "pitch-to-contact" team; the commitment through 2018 (making Nolasco one of only 3 Twins guaranteed that long a deal); the degree of responsibility and position of "leader" foisted on a player who has only recently tasted meaningful baseball; the question of whether or not this will make any real difference to a team with so many pitching questions. But rather than ponder any of those things, we at Peanuts from Heaven will do what we do best: bring up something stupid and pretend it's important.

 

Consider, if you will, Ricky Nolasco's twitter feed (my brother pointed the change in logo to me as proof that he was in fact coming here). 

It is no stretch of the imagination to say that Nolasco's twitter feed makes ample use of the exclamation mark (19 in 6 posts, plus two more just for "LA"). A device that some writers of the English language use to show "excitement, vehement commands or emphasize the intensity of an emotion." Or, as we refer to that in Minnesota, "going crazy".

There have been very few Twins players or even fans in recent years, who could be accused of being either excited, vehement, or even having an intense emotion of any kind. So naturally we wonder, what Ricky Nolasco's first few days as a Twin will be like.

**Dream Sequence**

Ricky Nolasco sits at a pressconference table with Terry Ryan, Ron Gardenhire and (face of the franchise) Joe Mauer

Ryan: We are very proud to introduce Ricky Nolasco as the newest Minnesota Twin [polite applause from assembled reporters].

Nolasco: YEAH!! What's up TWIN CITIES?!?!?!!!!

Reporter: Ricky, how do you feel about joining the Twins?

Nolasco: Amazing!!! Obviously! I get to be in the land of 10,000 Lakes!! That's 9,999 more than LA could offer!!!

Reporter: Do you feel any pressure because of your contract?

Nolasco: Sure!! But I can do it!!!! We've got a tremendous group of guys here, including one of the greatest hitters of all time in Joe Mauer!!! I'm so pumped to play with you Joe!!!

Mauer: Thanks, Ricky. I'm...ummm...really excited to play with you too...you know?

Nolasco: And I get to be coached by a former manager of the year!!! That's awesome!! Nothing against Don Mattingly or Mike Redmond, but, c'mon!!! This is Ron Freaking Gardenhire!!!

Gardy: Thanks Ricky-y...'preciate that.

Nolasco: It's gonna be amazeballs, you guys!!! I know you've had some hard times, but there are some total badasses coming up from the minors!! It'll be great to see them mature! And I'm so grateful that management trusts me to be a leader on a team destined for greatness!!!!

Ryan: Easy, Ricky, let's not get too riled up just yet.

Nolasco: What do you mean!!!?! This is just how I talk!!!

Gardy: We normally try to be very calm and level headed whenever we can.

Nolasco: Oh, for sure, Skip!! Being level-headed is the BEST!!!

Mauer: What about, you know...polite, non-offensive, mutterings about trying hard and...ummm...stuff.

Nolasco: Sure, Joe! I'll try anything!! Why don't you try an exclamation!?!?!

Mauer: What would I exclaim about?

Nolasco: Anything!! Anything that makes your life great!! Your wife! Your kids!! Your job!!! 

Mauer: Wild Rice Soup!

Nolasco: OH MY GOD!! YOU GUYS HAVE WILD RICE SOUP!!?!?

*And....Scene....*

Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory. Or, should we say: Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory!!!!

The Promise of Players: A Blueprint to to Win the Game of Bases & Balls

'Tis the season for the best baseball minds (and me) in the Twinsblogosphere to offer their takes on what the local 9 ought to do to improve their roster. Using the Twins Daily Offseason Handbook as a guide, you take your best crack at improving the Twins. Many bloggers dig deep for undervalued gems, or carefully consider how to balance free agency with player development.

I choose an irrelevant theme and offer totally implausible pipe-dreams for about 1000 words.

Let's not mince words: the Twins are in trouble. Once a mighty force, feared throughout the land for their scrappiness and tenacity, the Twins have been brought to heel, defanged, and dismissed. They have bent the knee to the most powerful groups in the American League: Detroit, Boston, Tampa Bay and New York.

And that puts us exactly where we want to be.

King? Or Red Sock?

It may seem silly to think that a lowly group of bunglers like us--a group often looked at as mere comic relief--could put ourselves into a position of power any time in the near future. But if Game of Thrones has taught us anything (besides the fact that there's a whole lot of murder and nudity in George RR Martin's brain), it's that people without power can gain it very quickly provided they are willing to do a few slightly unscrupulous things.

Sure there may be some powerful people right now, but in George RR Martin's world, you're always just a boar hunt, lousy wedding reception or frozen-zombie attack away from being another corpse in the pile. The throne is won in the wheeling and dealing between the powerful and the (seemingly) powerless.

So, let's look at a few...guidelines...for how the Twins ought to behave if we want to improve our standing in this most dangerous game: the game of bases and balls!

Eddie Rosario in 2 Years

1. There are no "guests" or "squires" or "wards"...there are only prisoners
The biggest, strongest and most powerful lords of the land have a simple way to ensure loyalty: take a beloved child of minor houses into your home as a "ward" for several years. This ensures that minor houses don't rise up; if they do, you just slit the throat of your "ward" and they sit back down again. So the Twins may need to send some of their dearly beloved prospects off to more prominent places. Which is I suggest they trade Eddie Rosario and Jared Burton to Toronto for power throwing starter Marcus Stroman.

The Blue Jays have some solid pitching depth but are desperate to shore up second base. While they might find a shorter term solution elsewhere on the market, Rosario gives them someone to have for several years...of course, just because Rosario becomes their "ward" doesn't mean he actually cares for them, and when the time comes for the Twins to battle the Blue Jays for playoff position in a few years if he were to say, make errors in the field and betray Jose Bautista by decapitating him in the on-deck circle...well, we might be able to cut him in on a post-seasons hare.

2. Repairing your weaknesses is less important than exploiting the weaknesses of your rival
No house in the Game of Thrones universe thinks about what their rivals do well, they think about how to exploit their flaws be it hubris, wealth or insanity.

Okay Scott, we'll play your game

There's plenty of money flying around baseball, and sure the Twins have some of it, but not as much as other big name teams...so perhaps it would behoove us to use our rivals' wealth to our own gain. The Yankees are keen on splurging on Masahiro Tanaka? Let's up that bid by one dollar (a la that jerk on the Price is Right) until they dump 80 million. Scott Boras (the enemy of our enemy) needs a "mystery team" for upping the price on Stephen Drew or Suk-Min Yoon, we're happy to help. If played well, all of this costs us nothing and our rivals nearly everything. The bottom line is, it doesn't matter if we don't have money as long as our opponents spend it really, really badly.

3. A great sell-sword is preferable to a loyal knight.
Of course, getting our opponents to spend like idiots is even better if we spend what little money we do have really, really well.  Unfortunately, there are precious few pitchers who would pick Minnesota as a top destination, so our goal shouldn't just be to sign the best available, but those who have something to prove.

Think of it like this: we aren't looking for a brave and noble knight to carry our colors proudly or champion our side for the next decade; we're looking for someone who can keep us alive. So, much as we love brave Ser Liam and Ser Andrew we need someone who might make a difference.

Don't worry I have a clause prohibiting
Phil Hughes from doing this again...

They may not be loyal, but they're better than what we have. If they do well and we all get along we can If they abandon us or hear about better money elsewhere, so be it. If we find out that it's in our interest to sell their services elsewhere again, do it and do it fast.

So congratulations: Ser Josh Johnson (signed for 1 year, 9 Million) and Ser Phil Hughes (signed for 3 years 30 Million), you're both due golden opportunities.


4. Wars aren't won on the field, they're won by having the best set of counselors
As great as a good sell sword is, they can't do much of anything if you don't have the strategists and smarts to know what's worth doing and what's not. Without the right counselors you may well end up with a pot of gold poured on your head, or a smoke demon killing you.

(From L) Molina, Johnson, Kyle Gibson,  Santana
and Chavez discuss how to pitch the Yankees

For the Twins, this is even more important. With a young, inexperienced team it's important to surround our would-be-kings with people who know what it takes to lead: veterans with post-season/high performing experience. Recently, we haven't really done that, but that can be fixed by imprisoning a few people in nearby dungeons making some trades for long shot prospects. (sorry Ryan Doumit you've been traded to Seattle for LHPs Rusty Shellhorn and Roenis Elias and godspeed Kevin Corriea you've been traded to Colorado for SS Rosell Herrera and/or RHP Scott Oberg).

Now we can bring in what we need. A masterful caretaker catcher (Benjy Molina, 2 years 4.5/yr); a skilled warrior on his last legs...or arm as it were (Johan Santana, 1 year 5 M + playing/front office option); and a eunuch (Eric Chavez, 1 year 2 M). 

5. Witticisms win no wars, but they are fun.
Finally, we should say this: even with these changes the Twins will likely be below average, if not down right bad (just like life for most medieval houses no matter how conniving they try to be). That's why it's important to find little joys in life, like a wickedly funny dinner guest/prisoner/imp/mastermind/whoremonger.

Our Secret Weapon

So the natural result is that we should hire Peter Dinklage to be an assistant coach/honorary trash talker at all home games. It might seem like a terrible echo of baseball's sordid past with dwarves as mascots, but when you consider that this will probably cost about 3 million for just half a season of Dinklage related chicanery, it's a lot less cruel and a lot more like paying a man what he's worth.

Imagine the joy of having an in-character Dinklage razz rivals across the field ("I may not have a nose, but at least I don't have to catch the whiff of Adam Dunn's rancid stink"; "The wealth and the power the Yankees have will always make them a target. Fortunately, I always hit the targets I piss at.")

If I can paraphrase Bill Veeck: "A losing ball-team can draw more with beer and Peter Dinklage than with a long still silence."

So there you have it, my plan to help restore the Twins to Wooden Throne, or, if you're here because you were looking for Game of Thrones analysis, my conjectures as to what will be in Martin's next book. Below is a summary of the final results.

***

Trades:
Eddie Rosario and Jared Burton to Toronto for RHP Marcus Stroman and a betrayal to be named later
Ryan Doumit to Seattle for LHPs Rusty Shellhorn and Roenis Elias
Kevin Corriea to Colorado for SS Rosell Herrera and/or RHP Scott Oberg

Signings:
Phil Hughes--10 Million/year
Josh Johnson--9 Million
Johan Santana--5 Million
Benjy Molina--4.5 Million
Peter Dinklage--3 Million
Eric Chavez--2 Million

Lineup: Molina/Mauer/Dozier/Florimon/Plouffe/Willingham/Hicks/Arcia/Chavez
Bench: Pinto/Colabello/Escobar/Mastroianni
Rotation: Johnson/Hughes/Santana/Deduno/(Gibson, Diamond, Stroman, et. al)
Bullpen: Swarzak/Welker/Tonkin/Fien/Duensing/Theilbar/Perkins

Total Salary: $82 Million

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat that Matters (Pt. 3: The Pitchers and Staff)

This is the first in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, then we used it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers and staff members.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

Few areas of the Twins organization were as woebegone and bedraggled as the pitching staff. For the third straight year the rotation was abominable, the ERA's were up and the bullpen was overtaxed. Criticizing the pitching staff has passed "going to the lake" and "enjoying three days without storm windows" in top summer pastimes in Minnesota.

Alongside the pitching staff, the front office and managerial staff of the Twins has been similarly critiqued by everyone from my grandma to new born infants. Whether it's Ron Gardenhire's exhausted answers at post-game press conferences, Terry Ryan's intransigence with free agents, or Jim Pohlad's perceived salary dump midseason, the only thing less popular than a Twins pitcher is a Twins executive.

But surely, they aren't all that bad! With that I present a break down of the Twins Pitchers and Staff by AARP.

Vance Worley
Play: Let's keep this simple: Vance Worley stank.  -1.2
Nickname: "Vanimal" is still a pretty solid nickname, even if it captures more of his erratic, irresponsible, total uncontrollable nature 0.5
Traits: Faux-hawk is at least some kind of style 0.3
Demeanor: Given how little time he spent at the big league level, it's hard to tell -0.1
Oddities: A little bit punk, a little bit of quirky history, a whole lot of awkward silence 0.2
AARP: -0.3

Liam Hendricks

Play: The Aussie had the best winning percentage of his career...it was 1-3 and came along with an absurdly high ERA and WHIP, but still! -0.4
Nickname: I don't think "Crocodile Hendree" is going to work, but it's better than nothing 0.1
Traits: He's Australian!! And apparently the accent is catnip to lady Twins fans 0.7
Demeanor: He seems like a nice enough guy, but also a terribly self defeated one -0.2
Oddities: Again, he's AUSTRALIAN!! 0.1
AARP: 0.3

Brian Duensing

Play: Now that he doesn't have to face a line up more than once, Duensing is more frequently effective, especially against lefties...except for all the times he's not 0.3

Nickname: Twins Centric calls him "The Duenslinger" I prefer "You Make me Feel Like Duensing!", they're long ways to go for a joke...but I'm amused by it. 0.3
Traits: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much to set him apart -0.1
Demeanor: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much obvious attitude -0.1
Oddities: He was in line to be a high school English teacher, so I like him; and he did out perform fellow Husker Joba Chamberlain, so that's a plus 0.2
AARP: 0.6

Kevin Correia
Play: Our pre-season designated scapegoat actually turned out to be our most consistent and reliable starter...which says a lot...sadly 0.5

Nickname: He couldn't really live up to scape goat status or win any new ones -0.2
Traits: Despite going the whole season with us, I kept forgetting he was due to pitch 0.0
Demeanor: Durable, willing to keep trying even when he's pitching for the Twins 0.2
Oddities: He wasn't totally awful, which qualifies as odd in Twins Territory 0.1
AARP: 0.6

Anthony Swarzak

Play: He came through with one of his best seasons ever, thank god for long relief 0.6

Nickname: We're staying satisfied with calling him the Swarzak duck...god I need better pitcher nicknames 0.1
Traits: He was once suspended for pot... 0.1
Demeanor: A strong armed reliever...like all our strong armed relievers -0.1
Oddities: Pretty much just the pot thing... 0.1
AARP: 0.8


Glen Perkins

Play: In his first all-star season, Perkins was far and away the best pitcher on the staff...if only he was still a starter 1.4
Nickname: "Perky" "Perk-Dogg" "Perkins Pancake Special" "Dread Pirate Joe Nathan (because the real Dread Pirate Nathan retired to Texas a little while ago) -0.2
Traits: Minnesota born and bred, and looks like it 0.2
Demeanor: Steady and sure on the mound and in interviews, a nice combination after our recent...unpleasantness 0.9
Oddities: Uses SABR-metrics to study his own work 0.3
AARP: 2.4

Samuel Deduno

Play: Despite an injury that delayed the start of his season, Deduno performed well when he started his season--or as well as a crazily inconsistent Deduno can 0.8

Nickname: "It's Not Delivery, It's Deduno" and "Samuel De-dude-bro"; If only something summarized how wild he can get 0.4
Traits: Permanently grizzled, but with a body the width of a tooth pick  0.3
Demeanor: Willingly goes cuckoo banana pants when he pitches well  1.1
Oddities: Wild as he is, Deduno is apparently the last best Dominican pitcher left in the bigs  0.6
AARP: 3.2

Ron Gardenhire

Performance: Helped the team overachieve in the spring and underachieve in the fall 0.3

Nickname: "Gardy" "The Unhappy Gnome" 0.4
Traits: Fuzzy, scruffy, as rosy cheeked as Santa with none of the sanity 0.4
Demeanor: Either heavily sedated or in a rage 0.2
Oddities: Ended the year 2 wins short of 1,000; leads current managers in ejections; does tend to use "y" or "ie" in lieu of a nickname: ex. Doumsy, Perky, Benny, Baracky 0.3
AARP: 1.6

Terry Ryan

Performance: Much as we love Terry Ryan and drink his Kool Aid, his inability/disinterest in finding starting pitchers is a little grating 0.1
Nickname: TR, Ol' Bluff and Ready -0.2
Traits: Totally bald, I sometimes wonder if he wears sunglasses to avoid too much reflection from his head 0.0
Demeanor: "Placid" is an understatement, more like "perpetually dormant" 0.0
Oddities: Has a fondness for dressing up and going on Let's Make a Deal...at least in my imagination 0.1
AARP: 0.0

Jim Pohlad

Performance: A hands off owner, it doesn't really matter much 0.0
Nickname: "Mr Money Bags Jr." -0.1
Traits: None noticed 0.0
Demeanor: Mostly calm, slightly irritated by the teams failures...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.1
Oddities: None...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.0
AARP: 0.0

Put it all together and you have a pitching staff that's as hard to appreciate as players, and even harder to appreciate as fan favorites. Please, let there be a quirky pitcher out there somewhere...anywhere...

Calling all bribes

After the debacle of the Hall of Fame's "non-election" and last weekend's Academy Awards, there is but one honor left to bestow before the baseball season begins: the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame! Yes, we still offer induction to all those who make the game fun to watch (even if they weren't exactly "good" at "playing the game of baseball").

We got there before you BBWAA

But what do possible inductees have to offer you? After all, bribery is as much a part of our electoral system as the whole electoral thing. Hall of Fame candidates can promise to actually listen to sportswriters for a change, and Oscar candidates plump for their campaigns through all manner of swag. So what exactly do our candidates have to offer you?

Jim Thome
One vote will net you a serving of mashed taters, one of several hundreds of home run balls and a small sample of his new cologne "L'eau du Smokey"

Joe Nathan
One vote will earn you a patch of scruffy beard, a hearty "Yarrr!", and a gold dubloon (warning: dubloon may be cursed)

Delmon Young
Delmon would love your vote, so much so he's willing to offer a plush stuffed Siberian tiger and 6 hours of community service...you're cool with having some of that, right?

Kevin Slowey
Things are a little tight for Kevin right now, but he does have a penny and slightly squashed skittle for anyone who votes for him.

Jason Kubel
Now embedded in Arizona, Jason Kubel can happily offer all those who vote for him a Grand Canyon key chain, his new self-help book: "Smirking and You" and free racial profiling to everyone who pays him a visit.

Jesse Crain
The ubermensch, our once great middle reliever/Nietsche spouting philosopher in residence offers you only the black abyss of unanswerable human quandries. Plus a 20% off coupon to TrueBerry.

Luke Hughes
Can offer you a large supply of marmite...wait...don't go! There's more!!

Jason Marquis
Despite Jason's meager four week term with the Twins, he's still a candidate. He can offer a wig and a sense of emptiness.

Francisco Liriano
Despite his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), Liriano is a prime candidate for the Peanuts Hall of Fame. And because of his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), he can offer to bribe you with any one of a dozen different ligaments and game-chewed gum!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka
Tsuyoshi Nishioka has already offered his bribe...it was his leaving, you're welcome.

Matt Capps
Vote for Matt Capps and receive one of the several dozens of homeruns he yielded in close games over the last three years. You will also receive a small smattering of the bazillion boos he faced at all times over the last three years.

Carl Pavano
Carl's swag bag includes surplus fake mustaches...obviously.

Scott Baker
The longest tenured Twin to say goodbye this offseason is extremely grateful for all your love and support. In honor of this he will acknowledge the existence of "nutty" from the infamous bat-girl posts and allow you to hang with the greatest support of all...

Denard Span
As ever you can Save Big Money with a vote for Denard S.! Receive high quality LED bulbs and valuable seeding mulch as well as coupons a plenty!

Ben Revere
Since smiles are not tangible, Ben Revere will honor your vote by dedicating five Web Gems to each person who votes for him.

Alexei Casilla
Would offer you things, but he's pretty sure he hasn't played for the Twins since 2010...

Remember you're voting for players who helped you have fun watching the game...it's easier than trying to discern greatness. 75% gets you induction 10% gets you another year on the ballot.

Gamblin' Man

I have fun at Terry Ryan's expense. (Sorry big guy, it's just too easy.) I photo shop him in all kinds of compromising outfits like say...this one!

While this seems bad, plenty of people are frustrated enough with Terry's attitude to this off season to do far worse than photoshop him onto a Dutch breakdancer's body. Just what did he do?

Well, he seems to have taken an already suspect pitching staff and filled it up with even more questionable characters including: a pitcher with two years experience who just had elbow surgery, a journeyman pitcher who hasn't had a positive WAR in 3 years, and another fading prospect who lost almost all of last year due to Tommy John Surgery surgery. The greatest ray of hope is that we may be the last best hope for a left-hander from a playoff team (whose best season was 5 years back).

There are other complaints from other quarters: trading both Denard Span and Ben Revere, not upgrading the middle or corner infield, failing to buy us all ponies and cotton candy (okay that was just his granddaughter). But by and large the wrath is focused on the "upgrades" to the pitching staff.

To many (if not most) it will seem like the team has simply forgone any effort to be competitive this season, looking to find names to fill out the line-up card rather than find top notch game changers. Instead of carefully selecting long-term investments (like Zack Grienke or Brandon McCarthy), Ryan has wagered the season on the vague hope that we could win the pitching lottery.

But, as easy as it is to find fault with the GM's decisions, I don't spend a lot of time doubting or second guessing his moves for two main reasons:

1. I doubt that venting my spleen all over the internet will change TR's decision making process in any way shape or form.
2. I know enough about baseball to know that I don't know anything about baseball.

Terry Ryan's winning numbers?

I may be the first blogger--writing in a medium that requires sincere belief that other people think you know what you're talking about--to admit that I really don't know squat. And if you, gentle reader, are really honest about it, I'll bet you'll admit that you don't know either. We don't know who will succeed and who will fail. We don't know whether the pitchers we've signed will prove resilient or so utterly neurotic that they can't function. Every day has uncertainty, but few areas have as much as that most volatile part of baseball: starting pitching

Sure, a long-term investment in a star pitcher sounds good, but while you might be netting CC Sabathia, you might also get disasters-in-waiting like Barry Zito or Mike Hampton.

Sure, last-ditch, desperation contracts seem like a lottery ticket to nowhere, but while you will likely lose your money, you just might come up a winner with an RA Dickey or Ryan Vogelsong. 

One of my last chances
to post Marquis de Marquis

Even within Terry Ryan's own history there's a legacy of lottery ticket wins and losses. How many people were jumping with joy for the acquisitions of Carlos Silva or Kenny Rogers? How many regret their optimism for Jason Marquis or Sidney Ponson?

Creating a starting rotation is an awful lot like buying a lottery ticket. You take a guess and hope it works out. When it does (even if it's just getting $100 for landing 3 out of 5 or winning 75 games with a patchwork quilt of has-beens and never-will-bes) you have to figure out what to do with your winnings. If you're smart, you seek out some prudent investments (i.e. extend Joe Nathan; trade Boof Bonser for anything at all); if not you're just going to keep on buying lottery tickets until the end of time.

I have no idea how this rotation will pan out. I have major doubts, to be sure (I sincerely doubt that Kevin Correia has a Cy Young season just waiting to happen), but I also know that my judgements aren't based on the same information, and knowledge that Terry Ryan and his team has. As much as I love the game, as much as I think I understand it, my knowledge and comprehension barely scratches the surface of those who cover it full time. That's not to say that the Twins' front office will always be right, just to say that I have no idea (right now) if they will be right or wrong.

I like to think that I know more than that, but in reality I just don't.

But I do know that Terry Ryan looks funny in that "Clog-Enthusiast/Construction-Worker" get-up.

Ring out the old. Ring in the new.

It's 2013, and that means that the Twins haven't lost a game yet this year!!

Yes, enthusiasm has been in short supply for the past two seasons, with more than a few loyal supporters questioning their allegiances faster than the Malfoy family at the end of the Deathly Hallows.

We peanuts have long been among the most sentimental of the blogging community. We sigh with memories of Johan and Torii (heck, we even mourned Boof Bonser and Brendan Harris). And as the Twins rebuilding project has begun to gain momentum more and more of the guys we cheered for when this blog began have left the franchise.

We give out plaques
just for being fun...

As always, we remember the players who've left us with a vote to induct them into the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame (see the poll at the right). We laud the players who might have been good, but were mostly fun to watch and made us love the game (hence the inductions of Nick Punto and Carlos Gomez). So look through the list, vote as often as you like, and remember that 75% gets you in, 10% keeps you on the ballot and anything less than that gets a spot in the Jim Hoey Memorial Garbage bin of the mind.

But while reminiscences are satisfying to some, they really don't do much to address the present. As much as we peanuts love the by gone days of competitive, talented ball players whom we could photoshop in awkward ways, those days are over, and it does not do to dwell on dreams only to forget reality.

About a month ago, right after the Ben Revere trade, I took Stinky (Mrs. Peanut to you) out for a nice Italian dinner date night. We commiserated about the dearth of lovable guys and the uncertainty of new players. As she said, "everyone who made me love this team is gone, and in their place are a bunch of people I'm not sure will be here in six months. I used to cheer because I loved the team and the guys who were part of it. Now, I cheer because they wear the same clothes that the guys I love used to wear."

The happy couple during
a happier season

I have a feeling that Stinky spoke for a lot of Twins fans that night, few of whom are members of the blogosphere, but many of whom sit down the row or at the same bar and who have begun to approach the summer months with apathy bordering on estrangement. I've certainly had similar moments, and I've read many similar thoughts from other bloggers. But, as I told my beloved Stinky that same night, "this is part of love. The people you care about don't stay exactly the same as when you first met them, they grow, they change, and you find new things to love about them."

We could close up the blogging shop right now, satisfied that it was an amusing diversion for many years, and hope that some day the Twins sweep us off our feet again. Or we can keep writing, keep chatting and actually redouble our efforts as we find new things to love in this new team. This version of the Twins might not win, (okay they definitely won't win) but they can be entertaining and we can find entertainment in their efforts. So join us as we ring out the old (with the PFH HoF vote) and ring in the new (with new posts welcoming in our quirky line-up).

It's going to be a fun year.

--Smelly/Scruffy (Mr. Peanut)

2012 Winter Meeting Recap!

It's a holiday tradition as old as Barack Obama's presidency (...hmm that didn't sound quite as impressive as I thought I would...); every year, shortly after the Winter Meetings end, we Peanuts offer a poorly digested, mostly fabricated recap of the glad-handing and back slapping that turns four days of business meetings in a fancy hotel into something somewhat amusing.

We hope you enjoy this absurd dramatization of a professional business convention (and if you are somehow still amused by such absurd dramatizations feel free to explore our other recaps for 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008.)

It's all so magical!

MONDAY:
9:23 AM--The serious professionals in the Twins organization are gobsmacked upon registering at the Opryland Hotel at the expansive atrium that could easily contain all the non-Lutherans in Minnesota!

10:05 AM--After purchasing a lot of swag at the Opryland Hotel Giftshop team budget managers sheepishly inform Terry Ryan that they have blown all the money saved by trading Denard Span

12:28 PM--Terry Ryan begins the going through his rolodex of available starting pitchers beginning with Blanton, Joe and Correia, Kevin.

4:41 PM--Ryan becomes seriously twitterpated before dialing "Grienke, Zack". Feeling just as nervous as  he did before he tried calling Suzi Charmical for a date to the Junior Prom back in Zanesville

Greinke wishes someone in LA would
think up doofy photoshops for him.

4:43 PM--Remembering the crushing rejection suffered at the hands of Suzi Charmical, Ryan decides to just move on to the next name on his list (who won't cost more than the state's budget for education) Jackson, Edwin.

8:45 PM--After a super awkward dinner with representatives from the Dodgers, Greinke wishes that those nice guys from the Twins would call him so he could just once know what it was like to have *nice* executives talk to him. (*tear*)

TUESDAY:
3:23 AM--As he hangs up with Zambrano, Carlos (who may or may not have been at a rave) Ryan lets out a contented sigh at having called every eligible free agent pitcher with a pulse.

4:03 AM--After a 30 minute cat nap, Ryan takes out a Ouiji board and begins calling free-agent pitchers without a pulse: beginning with Alexander, Grover Cleveland.

Johan, Bert and Three Zombies!...Dare to dream..

11:38 AM--Braves General Manager Frank Wren stops by to take Ryan to lunch and gauge interest in trading Josh Willingham. But his aura interrupts productive discussions about a 2 year/3 Million brain deal with Zombie Christy Matthewson, and trade talks are abruptly cut off

6:45 PM--Having failed to procure a magical amulet to raise the dead and sign them to pitching contracts, Ryan returns to his rolodex of available pitchers only to discover that Joe Blanton will be signing elsewhere, and thus Kevin Correia is the most alphabetically appropriate pitcher.

7:00 PM--Ryan rage quits on his free agent pursuits and the front office staff has to calm him down by starting the traditional Winter Meetings TV Show marathon a skosh early.

7:20 PM--Three scenes into the first episode of Sherlock, no one can remember who they are, what they are doing, or why anything except the fact that they HAVE TO watch more of this show.

WEDNESDAY:
6:01 AM--Ryan cries at the last scene of "Richenbach Falls"

6:02 AM--Ryan unleashes a stream of profanity about series creator Steven Moffat after seeing the ACTUAL last scene of "Richenbach Falls"

7:27 AM--The front office staff concludes their tv gorging winter meetings ritual by ordering up some room service, including an extra big banana split to calm down a still ragingly furious Terry Ryan.

10:43 AM--Finally emerging from the stale air of their suite, Ryan and his colleagues connect with their counterparts in the business and begin to gauge interest in possible trades.

2:18 PM--The staff reconvenes to compare their measurements on their "gauges of interest"; realizing that surprisingly Justin Morneau's interest rated at "14.8 STPE" (seconds thought per executive) which was below the measurements on the Ben Revere gauges: 47.7 STPE.

4:33 PM--Bert Blyleven calls in to plead with the Twins to step up their pursuit of trading for Texas lefty and his relative Derek Holland.

4:53 PM--After quite a bit of effort, the front office staff convinces Blyleven that just because his name is "Holland" does not mean that he is actually from Holland. But appreciate that thought.

"Finite Sucktarium!"

8:15 PM--As word leaks that Bluefield Blue Jays president Richard McGonagale will be named "King of Baseball", the Twins quietly inquire as to whether or not McGonagle has any relation to that British witch lady and if that magical touch chan be swayed into our organization.

THURSDAY
6:18 AM--Trade discussions about Revere nearly derail when Assistant Bill Smith asks Ruben Amaro Jr. "What the hell is a Phillie anyway?" making Amaro a little overly defensive.

8:53 AM--As the scouts plan to take to pick Ryan Pressly (a starter converted to a reliever) in the Rule 5 Draft; they have to awkwardly wait through the terminally unpopular Rule 1, Rule 2, Rule 3 and Rule 4 Drafts.

Don't cry Ben, we'll send your
forwarding address to Santa

11:07 AM--The team puts the final touches on a trade that will send Ben Revere to Philadelphia for pitchers Vance Worley and Trevor May, which forces Terry Ryan to do the hardest thing in the world...watch Ben Revere's childlike innocence die.

11:09 AM--When asked if Santa will still be able to find him in Philadelphia, Ryan can't help but say "YES! OF COURSE! Don't worry! Santa totally will find you and he is real!"

3:28 PM--En route the airport, Terry Ryan remembers that he was supposed to talk to Jared Burton at some point this weekend, calls him with the offer of 5.5 Million over two years with a 3.6 Million dollar option for the third year PLUS any razor he wants to shave down his neck scruff.

3:29 PM--Burton agrees, but doesn't require the "razor clause".

A Little Bit Country...

but not at all rock and roll...that's our prediction for what the Twins will do during this week's Winter Meetings in Nashville, Tennessee.

Every offseason, when there is precious little else to write about, I make prognostications/recommendations for what will/should happen when the Twins' brass heads down to whatever exotic locale has agreed to host the most powerful people in baseball for four days.

This year, there's a lot that could be done to improve the team; some would go so far as to say there's a lot that needs to be done. The only question is what actually will  be done, when TR and company head down to the home of the Grand Ol' Opry.

What will TR get done?

I have no idea of course, but that won't stop me from making bizarre guesses for my and (hopefully) your enjoyment.

Who will be the next
Jason Marquis?

1. The Twins sign a mediocre pitcher who makes fans go "Him?"
We all know the Twins need starters, but with the frequently frugal Ryan spending the parsimonious Pohlads' dollars in a market where any one with a few Ws on their stat sheet is guaranteed a cool million dollars a year, Zack Grienke isn't happening.

Sure there are dreams of Brandon McCarthy and Shawn Marcum, but it's far more likely that we'll be perusing the "Livan Hernandez Memorial Bargin Bin" so brace yourself for Jonathan Sanchez, Ching Ming Wang and (dare we dream?) Jeff Karstens.

2. Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau sit awkwardly beside their phones for several days
Now that Denard Span is shopping for apartments in Foggy Bottom, the two most prized commodities in the Twins' stockpile are the bopping big men. So, for Josh and Justin, it's time for several tense days updating "mlbtraderumors.com" and playing Angry Birds in space to pass the time.

Of course, we tend to have a slightly higher opinion of both player's abilities than the market will likely bear (I mean, how much can you really expect to get for a corner outfielder with limited defensive abilities, or a first baseman who's still coming back from a concussion.

3. After signing another aging middle infielder, the Twins replace their post game buffet with Perkins' early bird special coupons.
There's always someone who wants to make the Twins their last stop on the road to the retirement home: Tony Batista, Jose Offerman, Jamey Carroll, and without a set of high calibre prospects to replace them, there's always a demand.

Rather than begrudging this fact, let's celebrate it! If we're going to try appealing to Marco Scutaro or Placido Palanco we might as well sweeten the pot with Perkins' all day breakfast deals...after all, who wouldn't want a chicken fried steak right before a big game? And hey, if we can splurge on a box of Werther's originals and the right to do an Andy Rooney style rant in the 8th inning each night then we'll  have officially cornered the market.

4. Scott Boras mistakes Terry Ryan's polite conversation for interest in a mediocre player and uses it to procure a grossly over indulgent contract.

You're welcome, Scott

Every year there's one or two of Scott Boras' clients who bring up a "mystery team" in an effort to boost the bidding for their services. Whether or not these teams actually exist is irrelevant, all that matters is the money pit Boras gets to jump in for his troubles.

The Twins won't be so foolish as to actually hire a Boras client; but Ryan's unflagging Minnesota Nice demeanor and past experience with Kyle Loshe may well lead to a casual conversation in the hallway, which leads to intense rumor mongering between Boras and the Dodgers, which leads to a $60 Million dollar pay day for Loshe...the least Boras could do would be to pay for the almonds Ryan takes from his minibar.

5. A fat lot o' nothing happens.
The most likely situation of all: each year there's a tremendous amount of speculation in the days and weeks leading up to the winter meetings, and each year we end up pretty much where we were at the start of it...a little bored and none the wiser about who or what the coming year will hold.

Still! The conjecture is fun and the impending sense of doom being alleviated when we don't waste our money is even better!

A Thanksgiving Hors D'ouvre: A Peanuty Blueprint

'Tis the season both for overeating and overanalyzing potential Twins transactions. While most people in Twins Territory will be fixated on football in the next 72 hours, I thought, on the off chance that someone sneaks a peak at this space, that I should make it look presentable. So, here's a new blog on how best to address the biggest issue the local nine faces this year.

Available at Deviant Art

Most of the truly accomplished and respected Twins' bloggers have presented their blueprints for general consumption. The prognosticated quickly, and now, three weeks later, I'm doing the same. But, I do have something to offer which my fellow bloggers do not: a plan that balances a quest for wins with an equally important search: a search for a team fans might once again find interesting!

No offense, I know we like to talk about how victories equal ticket sales, but ticket sales also equal payroll and payroll often equals victories...so I thought approaching the problem from a new direction might prove interesting to some (or...okay...just me). Here now, my blueprint for the Twins 2013 offseason

Step 1: Trade Justin Morneau, Denard Span and Alex Burnett to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Niel Walker, Kyle McPherson and Alen Hanson--sign Walker to a four year, $8 Million contract extension

Sargeant Gardy's Lonely
Hits Club Band in hapier times

Start with the hardest thing I've ever suggested. I love Justin and I love Denard. I've invested considerable hours turning them into ninjas and mounties and an off brand version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; but they are pricy, expendable and in need of a chance to win now rather than later.

After being baseball's best story through June in 2011, and their best story through July in 2012, the Pirates need to win now too. Combining Denard's lead off skills with Justin's big bat should ease the burden on Andrew McCutchen and make it ease the blow of giving up a young, promising second baseman in Walker who helps solve our middle infield problem.

As an added bonus, McPherson's resume resembles the best prospect traded for players like Justin Morneau in the past (Jason Schmidt) and High A ball prospect Alen Hanson may set up a superb left side of the infield with Miguel Sano (he outranks all current Twins SS prospects).

While many fans may be turned off by the loss of two more long time Twins players and the addition of several new, unproven guys, I believe the next moves make up for that.

Step 2: Sign Brandon McCarthy to a three year, $51 million dollar contract (including a mandated Twitter clause) and Francisco Liriano to a one year $5 million/5 million sticks of gum contract (total: 5.3 m)

The man likes gum...

Scared as many might be by the return of Francisco Liriano, there should be comfort in the fact that we know what works for Frankie. Given his Target Field success last year (also in a contract year, and with a magical stash of gum), things should be sunshiney (plus we can always trade him again...provided we pay for the gum).

Meanwhile McCarthy makes a welcome addition of a solid #2 pitcher ahead of Scott Diamond and one who will be under contract for a considerable length of time (more than might have been suggested before the free agent bucks started flying, but hey we'll take what we can get). The added bonus is that even if concussion issues prevent him from being the player he seemed like he could be in the middle of the season, his social media skillz should help younger Twins players know what to do in order to avoid being too Danny Valencia-ish when they make the bigs. Even if some ignore him, the burgeoning hipster market will be inexorably drawn to each of McCarthy's starts.

Step 3: Sign Tony Robbins* to be personal life coach to Liam Hendricks, Luis Perdomo  and Brian Dozier (perhaps Kyle Gibson, Anthony Slama and Joe Benson)--1 year $1.8 Million dollars.

Problem: The Twins have a lot of players who are excellent in AAA and lousy in the majors.
Solution 1: FIRE THEM ALL AND BRING IN FREE AGENTS!
Solution 2: Teach them to unleash the power within! (and save money!)

YOU CAN THROW STRIKES!

This bit of creative problem solving tries a true moneyball approach to the game. Rather than valuing what our competition values (i.e. talent) we can value something else: mentoring and holistic advice! Thus comes Tony Robbins to convince Messers Hendricks Perdomo et al that they don't need to learn how to master the strike zone, because they already have mastered it! (IN THEIR MINDS!!)

*Note: There is a strict: NO FIRE WALK clause in Mr. Robbins' contract

Grady Sizemore:
You're welcome ladies.

Step 4: Sign Grady Sizemore to play RF (1 year $2.5 million).

As I understand it, many of the female fans of the Minnesota region appreciate it when the team not only plays well, but is also mildly attractive. Without Justin Morneau and the charming accent of Luke Hughes, Sizemore will help to increase the HQ (Handosmeness Quotient) of the team.

I'm open to other solutions here, but the plastic surgery needed to make Anthony Swarzak look like Ryan Gosling is a little steep, and creating Fox Sports North Dudes doesn't solve the outfield problem. So, Sizemore might just be a stop gap until Oswaldo Arcia or Aaron Hicks is ready to go. But until then we can all bask in the awkwardness of this story from the Onion.)

Step 5: Decline arbitration for Drew Butera, promote Chris Hermann and sign Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart for $150 thousand.

Now that Matt Capps (aka "Minnesota Fats Jr." aka "Matt Crapps Shoot" aka "Not Him, Please, Dear God Not Him!") has left the team, it's time to address that other outstanding source of fan vitriol--the boondoggle behind the plate.

Rather than let Drew Butera get a raise in arbitration (thus exploding the cerebral cortexes of many fans) I suggest that we let him go, promote minor leaguer Chris Hermann and put the money we save (approximately 150 k) to someone who can radically alter the perception of our catching corps.

Windbreaker not needed

Enter: Jimmy Hart. Those of us who wasted savored our youthful innocence by watching professional wrestling, know that managers in wrestling are even more irrelevant than baseball managers. But! They do provide much needed cache for those they align themselves with. So, if we bring in Jimmy Hart it goes from being "Mauer or Doumit with Hermann  for emergencies"to being "The Twin Cities Triumverate" with finishing moves like "Ryan Sauve's Opposite Field Smash!"or "Hermann's Munster Arm!" or "Chairman Mauer's Great Plate Discipline Forward..." (obviously I'm not as good at this as professional wrestling people are.

And who knows what kind of drama may unfold. Whose to say that Doumit and Mauer don't turn on each other mid-season on a miscommunicated tag? Or that Herman doesn't take a folding chair to create a sudden case of "bilateral leg weakness"? It will be pure sports entertainment...only with an actual sport.

Line up:
CF-Revere-$500k
2B-Walker-$2 M
C-Mauer-$23 M
LF-Willingham-$7 M
DH-Doumit-$3.5 M
1B-Parmelee-$500k
3B-Plouffe-$500k
RF-Sizemore-$2.5 M
SS-Florimon-$500k
Subtotal $40 M
Bench
C-Hermann-$500k
IF-Dozier-$500k
IF-Carroll-$3.75 M
OF-Mastroianni-$500k
Subtotal: $5.25 M
Rotation
#1-Liriano-$5.3 M
#2-McCarthy-$17M
#3-Diamond-$500k
#4-McPherson-$500k
#5-Hendricks-$500k
Subtotal--$ 23.8 M
Bullpen
LHP-Robertson $500k
LHP-Duensing $1.5 M
RHP-Slama $500k
RHP-Perdomo $500k
RHP-Swarzak $500k
SU-Burton $2M
CL-Perkins $2.5 M
Subtotal-- $8 M
Other
Nick Blackburn--$5.5 M
Jimmy Hart--$150k
Tony Robbins $1.8 M
Subtotal--$7.45 M

TOTAL PAYROLL: $82.05 M 

From this position we could easily add payroll as needed if we do well, or swap out others (Sizemore, Liriano, Carroll, Willingham, Doumit) if we don't. Most importantly we've got some marketable commodities here to keep the turnstiles turning and keep the fans interested (if not completely excited) and establish Walker and McCarthy as building blocks back to consistent contention in the years ahead.