Getting the Band Back Together

Years ago, back when there were frequent playoff berths and easy jokes to crack amid winning seasons, we debuted a segment called: Sargent Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band. Part Beatles homage, part McLaughlin Group homage, all goofy. Few people read them...but I was amused enough to make a t-shirt in their honor. I was wearing that t-shirt yesterday when my father-in-law sent the following text message: "Morneau is gone-hope they can get him back next year."

My wife and I reacted as most fans did, simultaneously upset and yet hopeful that Morneau gets a shot at the World Series. But soon enough I realized that Morneau's trade would officially end Sargent Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band...in Minnesota...but now that three of the four members are in the National League, perhaps it's only the beginning.

 Below is the first installment of their reunited panel discussion show, almost four years in the making:

[Theme Music plays, lights come up on four men in various far flung hotels, all wearing Beatles inspired military regalia]

McNeau: Welcome, at last, to the reunion of Sargent Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band. The most elite roundtable of baseball minds ever to play in Minnesota.
Ringomez: AND MEE!!!!
McNeau: I'm Justin McNeau, the adorable one, and with me as always are Denard Spannon in Washington....
Spannon: The cerebral one.
McNeau: Brendan Harrisson in Round Rock Texas...
Harrisson: The quiet one.
McNeau: And Carlos Ringo-mez in Milwaukee...
Ringomez: BOODLEDEE BOP!!
McNeau: Gentlemen, I'm new to this whole playing for a totally different team, what is the best part of going elsewhere?
Spannon: You have the magical appreciation of a new realm of potentialities which, of late in Minnesota, have diminished in attainability to becoming a mirage of athleticism in a desert of despair.
Harrisson: Yeah...the chance to win is nice, but I really like getting to know real people elsewhere, beyond the bright lights big city scene [the other three snicker], seriously [snickering grows louder] I don't need to play in the majors [everyone just laughs] I AM MY OWN MAN!
McNeau: Good one Brendan...Carlos, what's your favorite part of playing elsewhere?
Ringomez: CHEESE CURLS!! Oh, and I hit home runs now!!
McNeau: Sure you do...
Spannon: No...actually...he does...
McNeau: Huh, well, issue number two, what differentiates the National League from the American League? Brendan?
Harrisson: There is a real beauty in the purity of having pitchers hit.
Spannon: Even if they hit better than you do?
Harrisson: They do not!
Ringomez: Hehe! Brendan can't hit!
Spannon: Ancient systems are uninteresting to me, we are only whatever we can be in the moment. The National League has won more recent all-star games and the world series. This is the thrill of what is immediate and makes it truly both a and the present.
Harrisson: Even if your team's barely over .500?
Spannon: At least my team's playing in front of more than 500 people!
[Everyone begins talking at once]
Harrisson: You guys are too fixated on the fame and the popularity of what we do, what about the art behind it! My sitar teacher's been telling me that I need to focus on my own sense of inner peace, and that's what I'm doing, if you can't respect that...
Spannon: Winning isn't everything, that's part of this culture's over emphasis on competition that no one appreciates the little things any more, these fasco-capitalist oligarchies pretend we can only be happy if we win; but winning is lots of things, like enjoying your family or teaching Bryce Harper not to say "bro" as often...
Ringomez: I have a  love-ly bunch of coconuts! deedle-dee-dee! There they are all standing in a row!! Bum, bum, bum! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head...
McNeau: Gentlemen! Seriously, I'm kind of freaking out. I'm not an MVP any more and while Minnesotans had happy memories of my glory years to keep the cheers coming, what if Pirates fans boo when I only get a single and strike out three times?
Spannon: Embrace the victory of the self Justin. You are strong and powerful and you can help them have their first winning season in 20 years, they might not love you, but they'll thank you.
Harrisson: And even if they don't, it doesn't matter. You're a good person, with a family and a successful career. Besides, when you return to Minnesota, they'll still cheer for you.
Ringomez: And you are a good mentor! You make winning easy and playing fun!!!
McNeau: Thank you guys. As we wrap up today's analysis, do you guys find yourselves missing anything from Minnesota?
All: Joe's Sideburns.
McNeau: I thought so.

A Thanksgiving Hors D'ouvre: A Peanuty Blueprint

'Tis the season both for overeating and overanalyzing potential Twins transactions. While most people in Twins Territory will be fixated on football in the next 72 hours, I thought, on the off chance that someone sneaks a peak at this space, that I should make it look presentable. So, here's a new blog on how best to address the biggest issue the local nine faces this year.

Available at Deviant Art

Most of the truly accomplished and respected Twins' bloggers have presented their blueprints for general consumption. The prognosticated quickly, and now, three weeks later, I'm doing the same. But, I do have something to offer which my fellow bloggers do not: a plan that balances a quest for wins with an equally important search: a search for a team fans might once again find interesting!

No offense, I know we like to talk about how victories equal ticket sales, but ticket sales also equal payroll and payroll often equals victories...so I thought approaching the problem from a new direction might prove interesting to some (or...okay...just me). Here now, my blueprint for the Twins 2013 offseason

Step 1: Trade Justin Morneau, Denard Span and Alex Burnett to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Niel Walker, Kyle McPherson and Alen Hanson--sign Walker to a four year, $8 Million contract extension

Sargeant Gardy's Lonely
Hits Club Band in hapier times

Start with the hardest thing I've ever suggested. I love Justin and I love Denard. I've invested considerable hours turning them into ninjas and mounties and an off brand version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; but they are pricy, expendable and in need of a chance to win now rather than later.

After being baseball's best story through June in 2011, and their best story through July in 2012, the Pirates need to win now too. Combining Denard's lead off skills with Justin's big bat should ease the burden on Andrew McCutchen and make it ease the blow of giving up a young, promising second baseman in Walker who helps solve our middle infield problem.

As an added bonus, McPherson's resume resembles the best prospect traded for players like Justin Morneau in the past (Jason Schmidt) and High A ball prospect Alen Hanson may set up a superb left side of the infield with Miguel Sano (he outranks all current Twins SS prospects).

While many fans may be turned off by the loss of two more long time Twins players and the addition of several new, unproven guys, I believe the next moves make up for that.

Step 2: Sign Brandon McCarthy to a three year, $51 million dollar contract (including a mandated Twitter clause) and Francisco Liriano to a one year $5 million/5 million sticks of gum contract (total: 5.3 m)

The man likes gum...

Scared as many might be by the return of Francisco Liriano, there should be comfort in the fact that we know what works for Frankie. Given his Target Field success last year (also in a contract year, and with a magical stash of gum), things should be sunshiney (plus we can always trade him again...provided we pay for the gum).

Meanwhile McCarthy makes a welcome addition of a solid #2 pitcher ahead of Scott Diamond and one who will be under contract for a considerable length of time (more than might have been suggested before the free agent bucks started flying, but hey we'll take what we can get). The added bonus is that even if concussion issues prevent him from being the player he seemed like he could be in the middle of the season, his social media skillz should help younger Twins players know what to do in order to avoid being too Danny Valencia-ish when they make the bigs. Even if some ignore him, the burgeoning hipster market will be inexorably drawn to each of McCarthy's starts.

Step 3: Sign Tony Robbins* to be personal life coach to Liam Hendricks, Luis Perdomo  and Brian Dozier (perhaps Kyle Gibson, Anthony Slama and Joe Benson)--1 year $1.8 Million dollars.

Problem: The Twins have a lot of players who are excellent in AAA and lousy in the majors.
Solution 1: FIRE THEM ALL AND BRING IN FREE AGENTS!
Solution 2: Teach them to unleash the power within! (and save money!)

YOU CAN THROW STRIKES!

This bit of creative problem solving tries a true moneyball approach to the game. Rather than valuing what our competition values (i.e. talent) we can value something else: mentoring and holistic advice! Thus comes Tony Robbins to convince Messers Hendricks Perdomo et al that they don't need to learn how to master the strike zone, because they already have mastered it! (IN THEIR MINDS!!)

*Note: There is a strict: NO FIRE WALK clause in Mr. Robbins' contract

Grady Sizemore:
You're welcome ladies.

Step 4: Sign Grady Sizemore to play RF (1 year $2.5 million).

As I understand it, many of the female fans of the Minnesota region appreciate it when the team not only plays well, but is also mildly attractive. Without Justin Morneau and the charming accent of Luke Hughes, Sizemore will help to increase the HQ (Handosmeness Quotient) of the team.

I'm open to other solutions here, but the plastic surgery needed to make Anthony Swarzak look like Ryan Gosling is a little steep, and creating Fox Sports North Dudes doesn't solve the outfield problem. So, Sizemore might just be a stop gap until Oswaldo Arcia or Aaron Hicks is ready to go. But until then we can all bask in the awkwardness of this story from the Onion.)

Step 5: Decline arbitration for Drew Butera, promote Chris Hermann and sign Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart for $150 thousand.

Now that Matt Capps (aka "Minnesota Fats Jr." aka "Matt Crapps Shoot" aka "Not Him, Please, Dear God Not Him!") has left the team, it's time to address that other outstanding source of fan vitriol--the boondoggle behind the plate.

Rather than let Drew Butera get a raise in arbitration (thus exploding the cerebral cortexes of many fans) I suggest that we let him go, promote minor leaguer Chris Hermann and put the money we save (approximately 150 k) to someone who can radically alter the perception of our catching corps.

Windbreaker not needed

Enter: Jimmy Hart. Those of us who wasted savored our youthful innocence by watching professional wrestling, know that managers in wrestling are even more irrelevant than baseball managers. But! They do provide much needed cache for those they align themselves with. So, if we bring in Jimmy Hart it goes from being "Mauer or Doumit with Hermann  for emergencies"to being "The Twin Cities Triumverate" with finishing moves like "Ryan Sauve's Opposite Field Smash!"or "Hermann's Munster Arm!" or "Chairman Mauer's Great Plate Discipline Forward..." (obviously I'm not as good at this as professional wrestling people are.

And who knows what kind of drama may unfold. Whose to say that Doumit and Mauer don't turn on each other mid-season on a miscommunicated tag? Or that Herman doesn't take a folding chair to create a sudden case of "bilateral leg weakness"? It will be pure sports entertainment...only with an actual sport.

Line up:
CF-Revere-$500k
2B-Walker-$2 M
C-Mauer-$23 M
LF-Willingham-$7 M
DH-Doumit-$3.5 M
1B-Parmelee-$500k
3B-Plouffe-$500k
RF-Sizemore-$2.5 M
SS-Florimon-$500k
Subtotal $40 M
Bench
C-Hermann-$500k
IF-Dozier-$500k
IF-Carroll-$3.75 M
OF-Mastroianni-$500k
Subtotal: $5.25 M
Rotation
#1-Liriano-$5.3 M
#2-McCarthy-$17M
#3-Diamond-$500k
#4-McPherson-$500k
#5-Hendricks-$500k
Subtotal--$ 23.8 M
Bullpen
LHP-Robertson $500k
LHP-Duensing $1.5 M
RHP-Slama $500k
RHP-Perdomo $500k
RHP-Swarzak $500k
SU-Burton $2M
CL-Perkins $2.5 M
Subtotal-- $8 M
Other
Nick Blackburn--$5.5 M
Jimmy Hart--$150k
Tony Robbins $1.8 M
Subtotal--$7.45 M

TOTAL PAYROLL: $82.05 M 

From this position we could easily add payroll as needed if we do well, or swap out others (Sizemore, Liriano, Carroll, Willingham, Doumit) if we don't. Most importantly we've got some marketable commodities here to keep the turnstiles turning and keep the fans interested (if not completely excited) and establish Walker and McCarthy as building blocks back to consistent contention in the years ahead.

A very special edition of the Lonely Hits Club Band

JUSTIN MCNEAU: We welcome everyone to our very special mid-game show,

BRENDAN HARRISSON: Bored as we are when facing the non-descript, terminally bland Texas Rangers, we thought we'd inject a little whimsy to the proceedings with an edition of Sargeant Gardy's Lonely Hit's Club Band

CARLOS RINGOMEZ: I AM THE EGGMAN!!!!!!!!!

JUSTIN MCNEAU: Exactly, Carlos. Anyway, as the Knitting Queen so rightly pointed out to our intrepid bloggers today: we just don't seem to have any magic going for us, which might be why we will have trouble winning a spot in the playoffs

BRENDAN HARRISSON: Well, that and the fact that we offended the Egyptian god of Evil: Set.

CARLOS RINGOMEZ: BUT I AM THE WALRUS!!!!!

JUSTIN MCNEAU: Perhaps, Carlos, but that doesn't mean that Eggmen and Walrii will be welcome in the post season, let's ask Denard Spannon for his thoughts. Denard?

DENARD SPANNON: [Staring at spatted sunflower seeds on the dugout floor in abject dismay] Huh...what?

JUSTIN MCNEAU: Your opinion on things...[Denard says nothing]...your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions? [Denard says nothing] C'mon Denard, we're having fun! You always love this! It's your chance to tell me what a terrible person I am.

BRENDAN HARRISSON: And what a bland unimaginative lemming I am.

CARLOS RINGOMEZ: And to talk to me about being high on life!

DENARD SPANNON: Didn't you guys see me screw up that play today? Joe hits a line drive that should have landed, but they catch it...and...throw me out...and...I was standing at home thinking I'd scored...and...and [sobs uncontrollably]

[MCNEAU looks at HARRISSON and RINGOMEZ and then stares out at the Texas Rangers in their smug self-righteous ways...slowly his majestic Candian chin sets itself in a noble repose and he announces to his colleagues]

MCNEAU: You're forgetting one thing Denard...

SPANNON: [sniffle] What? [Sniffle]

MCNEAU: We're Sargeant Gardy's Lonely Hit's Club Band!!! [McNeau promptly singles]

RINGOMEZ: We have a Rock Band game coming out!! [Ringomez goes in to run for Jason Kubel]

HARISSON: We've all been knighted by the British Monarch of our minds! [Harrisson singles home McNeau to tie the game--and McNeau reenters the dugout to comfort Denard]

MCNEAU: We're practically bigger than JESUS! [Denard, still not in character, looks daggers at McNeau, as Carlos Ringomez slides home safely to take the lead and the Metrodome erupts]

RINGOMEZ: COO-COO-CA-CHOO!!! COO-COO-CA-CHOOO!!!!!!

[Suddenly the clouds over Denard's face part and he unleashes his smile and begins the great cry of triumph throughout Twins Territory]

SPANNON: COO-COO-CA-CHOO!! COO-COO-CA-CHOO!!!

"Coo-coo-ca-choo" indeed...truer words have never been spoken

A Review of Our First Half

As brought to you by the smartest baseball roundtable in the business:

SERGEANT GARDY'S LONELY HITS CLUB BAND!

[Massive cheering and teenage girl swooning as the Lonely Hit's Club Band steps up to their crosslegged position on the meditation mat they received as a gift from the Mahareshi in Rishikesh.]

MCNEAU: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you [gets hit in the face by a woman's undergarment, sighs and continues] Thank YOU. Welcome once again to Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, the most in depth panel discussion of issues in baseball ever held.....in silly costumes. With me once again are Brendan Harrisson--

HARRISON: Hi-ya.

MCNEAU: Denard Spannon--

SPANNON: Namaste, planet Earth.

MCNEAU: and Carlos Ringomez--

RINGOMEZ: WHEEEEE!!! CAMERA!!!!!

MCNEAU: Gentlemen, we have reached the half-way mark in our season and the Twins are merely a .500 baseball club. What must be done to win the division?

HARRISON: Nothing.

SPANNON: Lots of things.

RINGOMEZ: PUPPIES!!

MCNEAU: Explanations?

HARRISON: We have everything we need to win, we simply need to execute more consistently. We have won 6 of 8 against the Tigers and already have more wins in Chicago than we did all of last year. Additionally, we've completed our schedule against New York, Boston and Tampa Bay. The White Sox have played neither of the Evil Empires, and the Tigers still have to deal with the Rays. We had the harder schedule, it's natural for us to be a few games back, but everyone's playing relatively well, give us another month to clobber the AL West and we'll have everything we need.

SPANNON: Typical isolationist hubris. You can't rationally expect stasis to elicit the same positive results as dynamism. It's the natural order of life, you either adapt or you die. The industrial nations of the world must reexamine their economic principles in order to remain a force in the global marketplace.

MCNEAU/HARISSON: Uhhhhh....?

RINGOMEZ: I agree, Denard, but your vociferous loquations not withstanding we are still left with the knotting vexation of our pedestrian NAY prosaiac play of ourselves and our comrades in arms and bats and gloves.

ALL: Uhhhh....?

RINGOMEZ: I mean...PUPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!

MCNEAU: Phew...I thought our roles were going to be subverted, Denard, you were saying.

SPANNON: Uh--yeah--In a baseball context I think we need to remain active, ever changing, fluid as the river. We have a few outfielders and a great deal of wealth from the Pohlads, let's use some of that to obtain peace in the middle east, an extra relief pitcher, a cure for world hunger, or a middle infielder who can hit over .250.

HARRISON: Ahem--

SPANNON: Yeah...over .250 consistently.

[Speaking all at once]

HARRISON: That's the kind of over-reactionary liberal minded recipe for disaster--

SPANNON: Yet again, another dyed-in-the-wool, anti-innovation, anti-inspiration--

RINGOMEZ: I WANNA PUPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

[Cutting over the noise]

MCNEAU: GENTLEMEN! Perhaps we are all right in our own way, perhaps a combination of increased confidence and an initially unremarkable trade could do the trick, I'll give you one more moment to state your ideal situation for the rest of our season.

HARRISON: We remember how cool we are, take the division lead in the last week of July and never look back.

SPANNON: We pick up a reliever from Pittsburgh and ride his bucaneering behind all the way to October.

RINGOMEZ: Labradoodle!

MCNEAU: Thank you gentlemen. This concludes Sgt. Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band's mid-season report, please remember: Friends don't let friends become Yankees fans. Goodnight.

March Madness

While Stinky revels in the sun of Florida, those of us who cannot wing our way southward are left to imagine what our favorite baseball analysis round table would make of the continued competitions of March.

Here now with their trenchant perceptions: Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band.

Harrison: Welcome, once again to Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, the only fictional baseball analysis show that combines the magic of the Beatles with the power of the Twins. I am Brendan Harrison and I am joined again by Denard Spannon, Carlos Ringomez, and Justin McNeau.

All: Hi.

Spannon: Nice hat

Harrison: Thank you. Gentlemen, March is particularly mad this year with the combination of both the World Baseball Classic and the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. Which of these two sporting events is most worthy of watching

All: Baseball.

McNeau: Seriously, that's a great hat Brendan.

Harrison: Well...uh...I guess this is going to be a short post unless any of you feel like expanding on that point.

Spannon: The Men's Basketball Tournament encourages class warfare. State schools and larger institutions are given free license to believe that their school is infinitely superior to smaller more intelletual centers of academia, merely because they have managed to put a round ball in a round hole more often than others.

McNeau: I don't know about that. But I do know that it's far more fun to watch the Netherlands fight for survival against Venezuela than it is to watch Cal State Northridge lose by 40 to Connecticut. And though, yes, there are some upsets, there are far more often situations where unsavory teams knock out the plucky and the scrappy. I mean...look at Memphis. Their coach begs guys to spend one year on campus beating the snot out of feeble opponents like UAB and Houston, then lets them leave without a degree and goes back to begging more guys to come to campus for one year to beat the snot out of feeble opponents. It's like watching the Yankees hiring and re-hiring A-Rod to beat St. Alousius' School for Bedraggled Orphans.

Ringomez: Give me that hat!! [Ringomez dives for Harrison's ultra cool pirate hat, but is restrained by a team of Navy Seals and Nuns]

Harrison: I'm impressed by this attitude, particularly since Justin and Canada got beaten by Italy.

McNeau: That just proves my point, never doubt that a group of dedicated individuals can change the world, because it's the only thing that ever has.

Spannon: Even if that group of individuals is comprised mostly of guys who know more about Inter-Milan than Inter-League Play.

McNeau: ...Yes...even if that is true. This is the beauty of baseball, the improbable remains possible and anyone can win.

Ringomez: Heehee...Italy sucks! But you sucked more!!

McNeau: At least my country didn't get beaten by a bunch of Gouda-Munching, Clog-Dancers!

Ringomez: It's on Canucky-Wucky!! [Again Navy Seals and Nuns are required to restrain Ringomez]

Harrison: Gentlemen, gentlemen please. It's not Carlos fault that the Dutch beat the Dominican, and it's actually kind of cool that our friend Bert Blyleven helped the afore mentioned Gouda-Munching Clog Dancers win. Nor is it Justin's fault that Canada lost to Italy, he played very well, and Ze Ubermensch struck out many batters, they just couldn't beat Nick Punto. And besides I think we can all agree that the coolest thing is that Cuban guy who hit a homerun through a passing van in Mexico City.

All: Yeah.

Harrison: So in summation gentlemen, do you have any predictions for the rest of the WBC?

Spannon: Only two can survive between Cuba, Korea and Japan, and I'll put my money on Cuba and Japan again.

McNeau: The Dutch won't last more than two games in Miami, but the US will make the semi-finals.

Ringomez: GO-GO says GO-GO-GO-GOPHERS!!!!

Harrison: And I'll predict that Carlos will try and steal my hat again before the day is out. Until next time, I'm Brendan Harrison, and for all of us in Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band...AHHH CARLOS GET OFF OF ME!!! 

[The lights dim as the struggle for the hat continues]

The Lonely Hits Club Band Returns...

To discuss the highlights of the Twins offseason...or lack thereof.

MCNEAU: Welcome once again to Sgt. Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, where tonight we'll be discussing how are team has improved...

SPANNON: Or not...

MCNEAU: Or not this offseason. I'm Justin McNeau and with me as always are Carlos Ringomez--

RINGOMEZ: Pumpernickel!!

MCNEAU: Brendan Harrisson--

HARRISSON: Pleasure

MCNEAU: And Denard Spannon

SPANNON: What do you mean, with you as always? What are we, your sidekicks, your punching bags, your entourage?

MCNEAU: No, I just mean we hang out a lot.

SPANNON: Oh...I guess I can't be indignant about that.

MCNEAU: That's a relief.

SPANNON: What is that supposed to mean?

HARRISON: Guys, the topic for the night?

MCNEAU: Right! Gentlemen, lately Twins GM Bill Smith has been as active as a three-toed sloth on Vicodin. While we've resigned Nick Punto, we still don't have a set-up reliever or a high calibre third basemen.

HARRISON: *Ahem?*

MCNEAU: We haven't signed another high calibre third baseman, the truth is, we haven't done anything, will this inactivity come back to bite us in the ass this year?

SPANNON: No.

HARRISON: No.

RINGOMEZ: heehee, "ass", heehee!

SPANNON: There's starvation and suffering around the world, there are people who would gladly eat the crickets that provide our offseason soundtrack, people are losing their jobs and their homes here, right here! Spending 17 and a half million dollars on Casey Blake is cruel and callous and unfeeling.

HARRISON: And I'm not really that bad, I hit right-handers better than ever before last year, and though I hit fewer homeruns I can play defense anywhere and will do anything to stay part of the club.

RINGOMEZ: heehee, "ass", heehee!

MCNEAU: But what about the bullpen? I mean, I can only hit so many home runs to retie the game after relievers whose names don't rhyme with Smred Smirate Smoe Smathan give up a four run lead.

HARRISON: I agree, the absence of Neshak is less than thrilling, but we've cobbled together better bullpens with less.

SPANNON: And the celebrity obsession with pitchers is utterly inane, to turn one member of our nonet into the Atlas upon which all our hopes rest bespeaks a culture biased against we who flash the leather, be it snaring ground balls or scaling barriers to keep the spheroids where they belong...in our gloves.

MCNEAU: I'm sorry, was that supposed to make sense?

SPANNON: Just because I don't have your marketability or commercial appeal doesn't mean--

MCNEAU: Oh is this about the commercials again, Denard I keep telling you--

[ARGUING UNINTELLIGBLY]

HARRISON: Guys, don't fight in front of Carlos!

[SINGLE TEAR FORMS IN RINGOMEZ'S EYE]

MCNEAU: Sorry.

SPANNON: Sorry.

RINGOMEZ: [Sniffle]

MCNEAU: Okay, to close today's discussion I'll ask everyone for one person they would like to see the Twins sign before training camp.

SPANNON: Will Ohman, he's a lefty reliver, he's experienced, he needs to stop playing for the racially insensitive Braves.

HARRISON: I'd like to bring back Eddie Guardado, he'll ask for lest money and remain a great clubhouse influence.

RINGOMEZ: Bring back Dennys Reyes! I need someone to share a grand slam breakfast with!

MCNEAU: And I'll cast my vote for Ambiroix Burgos, he's young, shows promise, and has an X in his name which makes him very cool. Well that's it for this edition of the Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, keep coming back to Peanuts From Heaven for all your fanciful discussion needs.

Halloween

With less than 12 hours before the majority of us will don wild regalia and howl into the abyss of All Hallow's Eve, I'm sure that many of you are saying: "hey! writer for a blog that I randomly found while looking up peanut brittle recipes! I'm a Minnesota Twins fan who would like to show their passion for the team in my Halloween costume, can you help me?"

The short answer is: yes. The long answer is: I will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to keep you reading this blog. Costume ideas: sure. Field dress a moose: you betcha. Wet t-shirt contest: WHATEVER YOU WANT.

For now, try one of these Costumes from the Peanuts From Heaven Inc. wardrobe line

1) Cuddyer and Young Masters of Supraction

You too can be a master of Supraction (TM) just by dressing like the magical masters of Twins Baseball. 

Requirements: open shirts, and a willingness to show your chest.

2) Dread Pirate Nathan

The scurviest scallywag who ever sailed the seven seas and slung sliders of some splates! Requirements: A basic pirate costume, applique goatee and an ability to "Yarrrrrrrr"

3) Sgt. Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band

The best pundits in the business who also happen to be musically avant garde and willing to risk their health for the sake of experimentation.

Requirements: Neon military regalia, three friends (and if you're reading this, I'm not sure which one you're less likely to have)

4) The Nefarious Dr. Cakeburn

By day you can be as mild mannered as a rookie pitcher afraid of offending others. By night, burn with the heat of an oven preset to 350 degrees, and foil all the enemies of Twindom through the deliciousness of cake

Requirements: Cake, flames jutting around behind you, some kind of nuclear cake baking accident.

Just try one of these Peanuts from Heaven approved costumes, and you too will be as cool as me....wait...I mean cooler! MUCH MUCH COOLER!! 

Our New Analysts

Since the playoffs are captivating all of America we thought it right that we should not be alone in analyzing the rises and falls of the various teams in the playoffs. And so we are proud to introduce the greatest baseball analysts of all time:

Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hit Club Band!

MCNEAU: Welcome, everyone to our analysis of the division series, only on the Peanuts From Heaven website, the greatest website...ever. I'm Justin McNeau, joined by my fellow members of the fab four: Denard Spannon...

SPANNON: Hello.

MCNEAU: Brendan Harrisson...

HARRISSON: Hiya

MCNEAU: And of course Carlos Ringomez

RINGOMEZ: Zabadeeboop!

MCNEAU: Guys, is it just me or have this years playoffs sucked pickled eggs?

SPANNON: I feel that's a crass characterization Justin, but yes...this year's playoffs show no sense at all of the suffering of the world, they don't realize that people need love and good baseball to make it through the winter, it's the corporate oligarchy of the status quo that has corrupted the beautiful game rendering the true beauty of baseball obsolete in the cacophonous din that has become October baseball.

MCNEAU: What the hell?

HARRISSON: I think what Denard was trying to say was: yes.

RINGOMEZ: Ba-donk-a-donk!!

MCNEAU: But why do the games suck--

SPANNON: I just said--

MCNEAU: Besides the corporate oligarchy of the status quo?

HARRISSON: Simple Justin, our Frenemies have failed. Only the Rays...the team I once called my love...have stood up to the Bitch Sox. The Cubs have stunk at home, the Brewers have stunk on the road and the Red Sox have opened a can of whoopass on our friend Torii...

ALL: Torii...[sigh]

HARRISSON: We need comebacks, we need competition, we need--

SPANNON: To have a love-in protesting these playoffs!

MCNEAU: Denard, I will not have a love-in with you.

SPANNON: [underbreath] Small minded, philistine!

MCNEAU: Do you have any thoughts on the playoffs Ringomez?

RINGOMEZ: When I pet my goldfish he goes flippity-floppity-floo!

MCNEAU: Ohhhhhh-kay...based on the games so far gentlemen, who seems to be in the best shape to ruin our October.

SPANNON: Without question the Red Sox and Dodgers.

HARRISSON: I agree, they are the new devils of the world.

SPANNON: The Red Sox have become corrupted harbingers of the very tyranny they once sought to overthrow, beholden to their largesse and developing just as much an empire as the wicked Yankees.

MCNEAU: True, but you look at what Manny Ramirez is doing in Los Angeles, his batting average--

SPANNON: Statistics do not show the trueness of the world, nor the oneness of our souls.

MCNEAU: Screw the oneness of the souls lets talk about hitting!

HARRISSON: Uh-guys...

[TALKING OVER EACHOTHER]

SPANNON: The oneness of our souls cries out at the plasticization of our society, and the facelifted, botoxified Dodgers are an emblem of the absence of true faith.

MCNEAU: Manny's hitting .500 in the first two games against the Cubs and makes immediate adjustments at the plate to hit everything 18 rows up in Wrigley.

RINGOMEZ: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, Mary had a little lamb until I killed it for mutton! MUTTON!!!!!

[FINALLY]

HARRISSON: GUYS!!

MCNEAU: Well that does it for Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hit Club Band playoff analysis for this week. Any predictions guys?

HARRISSON: I think the Brewers will win at least one game at home.

SPANNON: I never challenge the prescience of the almighty--but I think Torii will keep getting RBIs for the Angels, but it will be meaningless if Garrett Anderson doesn't get on track.

RINGOMEZ: Greg Maddux will kill the Cubs and wear them as a hat!!

MCNEAU: And of course, we all hope that the Rays avenge our defeat at the hands of the White Sox. Until next time

ALL: Imagine.