Paying to Anticipate: An adventure in baseball cards

I finally did it. I told myself I ought to. I explained all the ways why. I made sure that I actually could do it, and then I did it.

I sold a large chunk of my baseball card collection.

It wasn't doing anything, it was sitting in a box in my attic. When my neighbor set up a yard sale and offered me a chance to sell some things, I went to get them. Sure enough, old DVD players, printers, and stereo systems...passed...a couple hundred 1988 baseball cards...gone in a flash.

I don't need more baseball cards (no one does...really), but I still make an annual pack a special ritual for myself. A reward for a year worth of teaching, a method of keeping my place in a mountain of books. As I've done before, I thought it might be fun to write about the process of opening up my packs (both a regular and a heritage set)

First the flashy new deck, as my dog sits at my feet, hopefully looking at me like I've unwrapped a treat for us both to eat. No luck pup.

Paul Goldschmit leads off...I know him, power hitter prospect, okay...then Hiroki Kuroda who excites me as a fan of good pitching, and churns my stomach as a symbol of Yankee wealth. Michael Brantely and Jonathan Pablebon follow, so far a solid crew.

There we go: Yordano Ventura...do you know who Yordano Ventura plays for? Did you know there was a person in the world named Yordano Ventura? Apparently he was a September call up who has an active twiter account (#LetsThrowFire)--I wonder what the old cigarette companies who started this tradition would have written on the back in lieu of twitter: "When walking down the street, King Kelly shouts out: 'I ATE A PASTRAMI SANDWHICH, POUND SYMBOL YUM!' Oh that Kelly, always a fan favorite."

Back in the swing of things, an old school Buster Posey card...the same psuedo style as a lot of the cards I just sold...perhaps the universe is giving me a sign to track down the buyer and steal them back. No, wait, Francisco Liriano follows him up, that's a sign that you should just appreciate your memories, lest the regret eat you alive.

Ahh...and here they are, at the back of the pack...the also rans: Wily Peralta, Nick Hundley, Eric Sogard, Scooter Gennett and Jack Hannahan. The only who remotely stands out is Scooter...and it's far more for he fact that his name is Scooter than anything else.

What about the classic pack, fewer cards, classier stock than the ultra shiny newbies, a little more price. Perhaps here will be the bonafide stars, the exciting pack of a full blown team of all-stars I wouldn't trade for a Byron Buxton rookie...oh who am I kidding, they're just cards...

Opening it up, I swear I could smell that old cardboard gum, the stuff that made my jaws hurt as a kid, but that I stubbornly ate, piece after piece, because I felt bad turning down the gift of gum each company had so thoughtfully inserted for me. (I admit it, I've always been naive).

Andres Torres tops the deck, glum and dead-eyed, then Jayson Werth with a more manageable beard than usual...Aha, a bulky Prince Fielder in his new Rangers uniform...just what I was hoping for, and just what Rangers fans were hoping for...a positive image, regardless of the injuries and disaster that lay ahead.

John Neise is alright, but Darin Ruf makes me wonder if these cards are all that special...apparently he had a strong power swing for the Phillies at the end of the season...but I'm not sure I buy it. Just like I didn't buy in to  most "Impact Rookie" cards Topps chucked into my packs as a kid.

Darin Ruf? Really?

A throwback Jim Plamer card reflecting on his 1965 debut (the year the heritage pack is emulating), is solid and nice to imagine as a rookie card slipped among your mom/dad's old belongings. Travis Wood and Brett Lawrie won't have the same effect on my kids I'm sure. Finally a card of AL ERA leaders Annabelle Anibal Sanchez and Bartolo (Semi)Colon. 

That's it. I confess myself disappointed*. 21 cards and not a single Twin. I pick out a few I'd like to hold on to--both for the fun of bookmarking my pages and on the off chance they develop into something special (Gennett, Kuroda). But there were no Twins. No favorites. And I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to save my money and wrap a random selection of my old cards in paper for the same illusion.

It's silly to repeat this ritual, silly to spend money (any money) on an easily abandoned, quickly forgotten distraction. But I'm not really paying for a long term investment. I'm not even paying for short-term distraction. I'm paying for a certain feeling, a memory of childhood, and a reminder that potential is so much more fun than reality, like dreaming on what Prince Fielder can accomplish in Texas before he plays a game. (I mean, if I had gotten a Brian Dozier, I wouldn't give a fart about the deluge of relievers and middling talent). I love the moment of anticipation, the wait, the hope, the discovery. Like seeing runners in scoring position with less than two outs, I have all manner of hopes and wishes for how they score, or how the pitcher dances out of danger. It doesn't matter if it lives up to my expectations or not, it's the thrill of the not knowing that gets me every time. 

Maybe I'll find someone to give me two bucks for the cards at another garage sale, or maybe they'll get chucked by my wife in a burst of spring cleaning. I'm not concerned about what happens to the opportunity lost, I'm already dreaming about the opportunities to come. If that doesn't make me a baseball fan, I don't know what does.

*Though I do pause to fulfill another fun distraction--imagining the best line up I can make with the cards I was dealt--Pitcher Palmer, than Posey-2; Fielder-3, Gennett-4, Lawrie-5, Sogard (out of position)-6, Torres-7, Brantley-8, Werth-9...Underwhelming as they are, I'm pretty sure they could beat the Astros.

The Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame

Once again the sounds of horsehide hitting leather mitts is resounding throughout the sunny fields of Arizona and Florida, and if we ever get to turn off our snowblowers we might just hear it up here in the towns teams call home during the summer.

As is our custom every year at this time, we're spending part of spring training remembering those who make the game such fun to watch. So we're holding elections to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame which honors not baseball excellence but generally being amusing. Let the gatekeepers of Cooperstown worry about whose numbers are the best and who's morally pure enough worthy to enshrine, we'll just remember the funny things players did and make a goofy photoshop for them on Opening day.

As we suggested back in October, there's only one way to adequately judge a player: our totally made up and in no way scientific statistic AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Player [scale -10 to 10]). Below are this year's nominees and their AARP. Reminder, to be elected you must have either 75% or the highest vote total in the class, and to be held over to next year's ballot you need at least 5% of the vote--which is usually one vote or more.

You can vote through the poll on our personal website or leave a comment below to give your opinion added weight.

Returning Nominees
Joe Nathan

The Good--Gung ho closer with a penchant for made up rock anthems, facial hair, making farting noises with his mouth while stressed and piracy.
The Bad--Occasionally a little too fond of giving himself a higher degree of difficulty in saves.
AARP: 8.7

Denard Span

The Good--Steadily excellent play in center, quiet consistency at the plate, perfect nickname tie in with Menards.
The Bad--Chilled out attitude made him seem a little more aloof and harder to love than peers
AARP: 3.8

Delmon Young

The Good--Falls into the "So-Bad-It's-Good" genre of fielders...like Sharknado but with a glove. Mediocrity always masked slightly better than mediocre talent.
The Bad--Toolish behavior, general anti-semitism.
AARP: -0.9

Carl Pavano

The Good--Durable, reliable, has a heckuva mustache
The Bad--Not much personality to be noted beyond the mustache.
AARP: 2.7

Jesse Crain

The Good--Patches of impressive pitching, solid goatee and general kindness to the bloggers of this site.
The Bad--Few standout characteristics.
AARP: 2.0

Francisco Liriano

The Good--Flashes of brilliance, other flashes of stupidity, attributed silly amount of success to chewing gum, devastating slider
The Bad--Cranky and surly at times, as unpredictable as your crazy-ex but without any of the attractiveness.
AARP: 2.6

Tsuyoshi Nishioka

The Good--Briefly seemed like proof the Twins were going world wide. Tried really hard. Falls into the "So-bad-it's-still-pretty-bad" genre of fielders...like MegaShark versus Crocasaurus stuck on just the Jaleel White scenes.
The Bad--Created a lot of animosity pitting furious fans against merely exaperated fans
AARP: -0.6

Scott Baker

The Good--Consistent and solid starting pitcher. Once had his protective cup get lost in his pants.
The Bad--Injuries made his recent impact as a source of amusement minimal.
AARP: 2.1

Ben Revere

The Good--Thoroughly exciting and excitable fan favorite who loved to play the game
The Bad--Not around long enough to really make an impact or get a nickname
AARP: 2.3

Alexie Casilla

The Good--Absolutely passionate, strangely clutch, responsible for some of the most exciting moments in team history
The Bad--Generally an unknown in town, too inconsistent to become beloved.
AARP: 1.9

No longer eligible: Kevin Slowey, Luke Hughes, Jason Marquis, Matt Capps, Jason Kubel (resigned)

New Nominees
Justin Morneau
The Good--An MVP, a perennial all-star, a tenacious club-leader (even getting punched by Torii Hunter), goofy canuck, and the possessor of a widely admired backside.
The Bad--He hasn't quite been up to the old Morneau-snuff since a concussion, and despite his widely beloved nature his nicknames (Dr. Neau; Brawny; The Canadian Club) don't quite measure up.
AARP: 3.0

Ryan Doumit
The Good--Consistent refusal to button all his uniform created our nickname  "Ryan Suave", occasional outbursts of power were sincerely appreciated, penchant for eye black
The Bad--Consistently inconsistent. Poor defense and feeble hitting gave him little playing time and less love
AARP: 1.9

Jamey Carroll
The Good--Responsible for an often enjoyable game we played on this site called "Country Superstar" Jamey Carroll--which involved inventing silly psuedo-country songs based on being an aging middle infielder like: "My Defense Looks a lot Better After a Couple Beers".
The Bad--The whole playing thing wasn't his greatest strength....shame that was so important to the game.
AARP: 1.6



Liam Hendricks
The Good--Australian always seemed promising, and offered lots of Australia related jokes
The Bad--Never lived up to promise.
AARP: 0.7

Andrew Albers

The Good--Terrific story of triumph over adversity and dedication, including a scintillating stretch of scoreless innings.
The Bad--Everything after the strong start.
AARP: 0.9

This year, in addition to the recently released and traded players we're also running a veteran's ballot (in honor of the five year anniversary of our first inductee: Bert Aberforth Blyleven (whom we never saw play, but found hilarious anyway).

Veterans on our ballot and their AARP ratings are below.
Early Days
Cesar Tovar
The Good--Aside from the undeniably quirky and amusing playing of every position in one game, "Pepito" actually had a solid career both in the box and on the base paths, helping team to an AL title in 1965 and division titles in '69 and '70. Part of a stellar Centerfield tradition for the Twins.
The Bad--Didn't make much impact in the postseason. Relatively short peak of powers, fading off badly in the early 70s
AARP: 3.3


Mudcat Grant
The Good--Folksy and fun pitcher with a passion for music. Served as a top starter for the 1965 staff. Works to promote the history and future of African-American players in the majors.
The Bad--Three years is a very short run with the Twins.
AARP: 3.8


Glory Years
Dan Gladden
The Good--Tenure with team coincides with both world titles, including championship-winning run in 1991. Forerunner of gritty determined Twins players. AKA "Dazzle". Crotchety but amusing announcer
The Bad--Titles may be timing as much as talent. Hair was a mullet. Crotchety announcing. Grit and pluck are overrated.
AARP: 2.8

Al Newman
The Good--Plucky, scrappy utility infielder. Part of major league record triple-play combinations, later became coach famous for waving players home and butt patting.
The Bad--Again grit and pluck are overrated. Having an 0-31 hitless streak is too often forgotten, many would rather not hear about an association with recent coaching staffs.
AARP: 2.0

Recent Standouts
Corey Koskie
The Good--Excellent defender, solid hitter, founder of a goofy clubhouse-aesthetic, Canadian willingly returns and offers support for the team since retirement. Inspiration for my mother's rhyming game ["Koskie, Koskie, Show Us What you Gots-ki!"]
The Bad--Concussion and frequent injuries ended his career

AARP: 3.7

Doug Mientkiewicz
The Good--Gold medalist, World Series Champion, gold glove winning first baseman, incredibly popular hitter (despite average performance), gladly spoke his mind and inspired most awkward rhyming game [Mientkiewicz, Mientkiewicz...Make me a Sandwhich!]
The Bad--Friend to A-Rod. Awkwardly toolish after helping Red Sox win World Series.
AARP: 3.2

A Thanksgiving Hors D'ouvre: A Peanuty Blueprint

'Tis the season both for overeating and overanalyzing potential Twins transactions. While most people in Twins Territory will be fixated on football in the next 72 hours, I thought, on the off chance that someone sneaks a peak at this space, that I should make it look presentable. So, here's a new blog on how best to address the biggest issue the local nine faces this year.

Available at Deviant Art

Most of the truly accomplished and respected Twins' bloggers have presented their blueprints for general consumption. The prognosticated quickly, and now, three weeks later, I'm doing the same. But, I do have something to offer which my fellow bloggers do not: a plan that balances a quest for wins with an equally important search: a search for a team fans might once again find interesting!

No offense, I know we like to talk about how victories equal ticket sales, but ticket sales also equal payroll and payroll often equals victories...so I thought approaching the problem from a new direction might prove interesting to some (or...okay...just me). Here now, my blueprint for the Twins 2013 offseason

Step 1: Trade Justin Morneau, Denard Span and Alex Burnett to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Niel Walker, Kyle McPherson and Alen Hanson--sign Walker to a four year, $8 Million contract extension

Sargeant Gardy's Lonely
Hits Club Band in hapier times

Start with the hardest thing I've ever suggested. I love Justin and I love Denard. I've invested considerable hours turning them into ninjas and mounties and an off brand version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; but they are pricy, expendable and in need of a chance to win now rather than later.

After being baseball's best story through June in 2011, and their best story through July in 2012, the Pirates need to win now too. Combining Denard's lead off skills with Justin's big bat should ease the burden on Andrew McCutchen and make it ease the blow of giving up a young, promising second baseman in Walker who helps solve our middle infield problem.

As an added bonus, McPherson's resume resembles the best prospect traded for players like Justin Morneau in the past (Jason Schmidt) and High A ball prospect Alen Hanson may set up a superb left side of the infield with Miguel Sano (he outranks all current Twins SS prospects).

While many fans may be turned off by the loss of two more long time Twins players and the addition of several new, unproven guys, I believe the next moves make up for that.

Step 2: Sign Brandon McCarthy to a three year, $51 million dollar contract (including a mandated Twitter clause) and Francisco Liriano to a one year $5 million/5 million sticks of gum contract (total: 5.3 m)

The man likes gum...

Scared as many might be by the return of Francisco Liriano, there should be comfort in the fact that we know what works for Frankie. Given his Target Field success last year (also in a contract year, and with a magical stash of gum), things should be sunshiney (plus we can always trade him again...provided we pay for the gum).

Meanwhile McCarthy makes a welcome addition of a solid #2 pitcher ahead of Scott Diamond and one who will be under contract for a considerable length of time (more than might have been suggested before the free agent bucks started flying, but hey we'll take what we can get). The added bonus is that even if concussion issues prevent him from being the player he seemed like he could be in the middle of the season, his social media skillz should help younger Twins players know what to do in order to avoid being too Danny Valencia-ish when they make the bigs. Even if some ignore him, the burgeoning hipster market will be inexorably drawn to each of McCarthy's starts.

Step 3: Sign Tony Robbins* to be personal life coach to Liam Hendricks, Luis Perdomo  and Brian Dozier (perhaps Kyle Gibson, Anthony Slama and Joe Benson)--1 year $1.8 Million dollars.

Problem: The Twins have a lot of players who are excellent in AAA and lousy in the majors.
Solution 1: FIRE THEM ALL AND BRING IN FREE AGENTS!
Solution 2: Teach them to unleash the power within! (and save money!)

YOU CAN THROW STRIKES!

This bit of creative problem solving tries a true moneyball approach to the game. Rather than valuing what our competition values (i.e. talent) we can value something else: mentoring and holistic advice! Thus comes Tony Robbins to convince Messers Hendricks Perdomo et al that they don't need to learn how to master the strike zone, because they already have mastered it! (IN THEIR MINDS!!)

*Note: There is a strict: NO FIRE WALK clause in Mr. Robbins' contract

Grady Sizemore:
You're welcome ladies.

Step 4: Sign Grady Sizemore to play RF (1 year $2.5 million).

As I understand it, many of the female fans of the Minnesota region appreciate it when the team not only plays well, but is also mildly attractive. Without Justin Morneau and the charming accent of Luke Hughes, Sizemore will help to increase the HQ (Handosmeness Quotient) of the team.

I'm open to other solutions here, but the plastic surgery needed to make Anthony Swarzak look like Ryan Gosling is a little steep, and creating Fox Sports North Dudes doesn't solve the outfield problem. So, Sizemore might just be a stop gap until Oswaldo Arcia or Aaron Hicks is ready to go. But until then we can all bask in the awkwardness of this story from the Onion.)

Step 5: Decline arbitration for Drew Butera, promote Chris Hermann and sign Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart for $150 thousand.

Now that Matt Capps (aka "Minnesota Fats Jr." aka "Matt Crapps Shoot" aka "Not Him, Please, Dear God Not Him!") has left the team, it's time to address that other outstanding source of fan vitriol--the boondoggle behind the plate.

Rather than let Drew Butera get a raise in arbitration (thus exploding the cerebral cortexes of many fans) I suggest that we let him go, promote minor leaguer Chris Hermann and put the money we save (approximately 150 k) to someone who can radically alter the perception of our catching corps.

Windbreaker not needed

Enter: Jimmy Hart. Those of us who wasted savored our youthful innocence by watching professional wrestling, know that managers in wrestling are even more irrelevant than baseball managers. But! They do provide much needed cache for those they align themselves with. So, if we bring in Jimmy Hart it goes from being "Mauer or Doumit with Hermann  for emergencies"to being "The Twin Cities Triumverate" with finishing moves like "Ryan Sauve's Opposite Field Smash!"or "Hermann's Munster Arm!" or "Chairman Mauer's Great Plate Discipline Forward..." (obviously I'm not as good at this as professional wrestling people are.

And who knows what kind of drama may unfold. Whose to say that Doumit and Mauer don't turn on each other mid-season on a miscommunicated tag? Or that Herman doesn't take a folding chair to create a sudden case of "bilateral leg weakness"? It will be pure sports entertainment...only with an actual sport.

Line up:
CF-Revere-$500k
2B-Walker-$2 M
C-Mauer-$23 M
LF-Willingham-$7 M
DH-Doumit-$3.5 M
1B-Parmelee-$500k
3B-Plouffe-$500k
RF-Sizemore-$2.5 M
SS-Florimon-$500k
Subtotal $40 M
Bench
C-Hermann-$500k
IF-Dozier-$500k
IF-Carroll-$3.75 M
OF-Mastroianni-$500k
Subtotal: $5.25 M
Rotation
#1-Liriano-$5.3 M
#2-McCarthy-$17M
#3-Diamond-$500k
#4-McPherson-$500k
#5-Hendricks-$500k
Subtotal--$ 23.8 M
Bullpen
LHP-Robertson $500k
LHP-Duensing $1.5 M
RHP-Slama $500k
RHP-Perdomo $500k
RHP-Swarzak $500k
SU-Burton $2M
CL-Perkins $2.5 M
Subtotal-- $8 M
Other
Nick Blackburn--$5.5 M
Jimmy Hart--$150k
Tony Robbins $1.8 M
Subtotal--$7.45 M

TOTAL PAYROLL: $82.05 M 

From this position we could easily add payroll as needed if we do well, or swap out others (Sizemore, Liriano, Carroll, Willingham, Doumit) if we don't. Most importantly we've got some marketable commodities here to keep the turnstiles turning and keep the fans interested (if not completely excited) and establish Walker and McCarthy as building blocks back to consistent contention in the years ahead.

Why Liriano Must be Traded NOW!

There's still a lot of debate over whether or not the Minnesota Twins should trade Francisco Liriano. Sure he's the best pitcher on the staff of a team that's rather desperate for starting pitching, but he's also a free-agent-to-be with a demanding agent who will probably be looking for a sizable pay day (one that we likely can't afford).

Yet, there are plenty of people who would like Frankie Franchise to stick around now that he's figured out how to be consistently dangerous on the hill (Monday's Windy City debacle not withstanding). After all, with a little gum to chew, Liriano's been nigh to un-hittable. But that gum chewing is actually the biggest reason to trade the Cisco Kid.

You might well ask: why does chewing gum mean we have to trade him? The answer, like the answers to all of life's important questions is in a children's book. In this case Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl:

Please believe us when we say

That chewing gum will never pay;

This sticky habit's bound to send

The chewer to a sticky end.

Did any of you ever know

A pitcher called Liriano?...

He chewed while bathing in the tub,

He chewed while dancing at the club,

He chewed in church and on the bus;

It really was quite ludicrous!...

But then one day, he had to put the gum away

(Because the umps hated the delay)

And suddenly, Liriano just could not pitch,

He missed the zone by two feet and an inch

The fastball slowed down, the slider didn't move

As hard as he tried, he couldn't find a groove.

His fans, upset, began to boo

And Liriano just did not have a clue.

So he served up long bombs on his way to a loss

His golden arm turned to nothing but dross

He had to retire, run off and hide,

No teammates or fans would stand by his side

Yes, never was there a tale of more woe

Than this of Francisco Liriano.

It's repulsive, revolting and wrong; chewing and chewing all. day. long
The wa-ay that a co-ow does!

I was as surprised as anyone to find that a 20th century British author wrote an allusion to a 21st century Dominican pitcher, but such is the power of literary imagination. Just be glad we heard it now rather than after he finished his "tale of woe".

Let's Make a Deal Wrap-up!

Our trade market is less volatile
than this one

It's time to wrap up this blog's trade deadline speculation series/gameshow in the making: Let's Make a Deal. Where I offer you trade returns based on the historical equivalent of current Twins. First, let's check out how the fans did in making a deal for Francisco Liriano in what was nearly a unanimous verdict (until my friend Aly called in a last second vote for door #2).

No one, and I mean, NO ONE, wanted to keep Frankie or trade for door #3. (Since Door #3 contained three hitters and zero pitchers, it makes sense. And since those three hitters were actually career minor leaguers Dustin Brisson, Luis Alfonso Garcia and Rick Asadoorian, it seems like a pretty good pick.)


Now, since I know Aly reads this blog, I hate to tell her that she managed to pull a pretty foul Zonko behind door #2. Yes, in exchange for Frankie and three more starters Aly would have gotten John Christensen, Wes Gardner, LaSchelle Tarver and Calvin Schiraldi. (And hey, since Aly's a Red Sox fan, that Calvin Schiraldi burn stings even more)


But the vast majority of votes (5 in fact) went for door #1. And though the hitters (Corey Pointer and Ron White) are nothing to write home about, that up and down starter just happened to be Jason Schmidt. Not a hall of famer, but not chopped liver either. Nicely done Armchair GM's nicely done.

Sadly, as much fun as I've had creating these silly little mental exercises in the last few weeks, I'm actually out of reasonable research. I did look into the yield on Ryan Doumit and Carl Pavano...but neither one is getting a peep or a squeak of interest on the trading block (a two year extension and long DL stint probably have something to do with that). And I don't quite have the time to research potential Josh Willingham trade equivalents (not that Terry Ryan would trade him for anything less than immediate access fountain of youth/catcher knees).

Thanks to the magic of internet voting, the popular opinion of the Twins blogosphere has been heard, and when it comes four Twins trading chips, they've decided to:

• Keep Denard Span (passing on three packages with minimal return)
• Trade Matt Capps (for a package highlighted by an Edwin Jackson in the making)
• Keep Justin Morneau (passing on a package that included young Steve Finley/Curt Schilling)
• Trade Francisco Liriano (for a package highlighted by Jason Schmidt)

It seems that, for the fans, the best way to build the pitching staff is to subtract some pitching from the current roster, and keep the hitters. And to be honest, if you were a time traveller who told me that we could trade an irrelevant reliever and an inconsistent starter for two future all stars I would make that deal in a heart beat. But, unfortunately, Terry Ryan can't make trades with a way-back machine and has to deal with the present market (one filled with surprisingly suspicious buyers and a noticable lack of young Jason Schmidts).

To wrap up, I thought it would be instructive to see the general returns on the different types of Twins bargaining chips; the sort of average return to compare against any deals Terry Ryan makes in the next few weeks.

• Players like Denard Span generally brought back two near major-league reader prospects: usually an outfielder and a pitcher (even mix between relievers and starters)
• Players like Matt Capps generally brought back between two and three prospects (usually between A and AAA) including one player Baseball America put in it's preseason top 100.
• Players like Justin Morneau generally brought back three prospects (usually between A and AA) including an infielder, an outfielder and a starting pitcher.
• Players like Francisco Liriano generally brought back three to four prospects (usually between AA and AAA) including multiple position players and one pitching prospect.

And just so my work doesn't go for naught, here's what I saw for the other researched trades

• Players like Carl Pavano generally brought back one to two prospects (between A and AAA) usually entirely made of pitching talent.
• Players like Ryan Doumit generally brought back two to three prospects (between AA and AAA) including one starter and one reliever.

So if that's par for the course, it's time for Terry Ryan to tee it up and go for the green and other cliched golf metaphors as well.

Thanks for trying your hand at this purely speculative enterprise. I wondered how well Twins fans would do at making the deals themselves, and was generally impressed. If there's interest out there, I'll certainly try doing this all again next year (when we'll likely have a different bargain bin to offer up).

But I think whatever you think of this blog series we can all agree on the best part of it: RIDICULOUS TERRY RYAN PHOTOSHOPS!

Let's Make a Deal Round 4

It's time for the All-Star Game (a favorite event for we Peanuts, because it is just as silly as we always are, and because we feel proud to join the teeming masses who mock Joe Buck every year!)

But before the big(ish) game, we should think about what we do with our own all-stars given that we may be trading a few of them before the month is out. Last week we gave you a choice of what to do with first baseman, three-time all-star and former MVP Justin Morneau. After five heated days of voting we ended up with 2 votes asking to keep Justin and one vote a piece for each of the trade options. Since majority rules, we'll say that our fans voted to KEEP JUSTIN. A fine choice, but was it the best choice? Let's look at what the fans passed up!

• Behind Door #1, our first comprable Morneau trade would have gotten us a starter named Hunter Strickland (3 years after the trade in question he made it to AA...three weeks ago) and Short Stop Argenis Diaz, whose had one cup of coffee and is looking for another while playing for a different franchise. 1 vote
• Behind Door #2 there was outfielder Charles Poe (who never went past AA), and starter Andrew Lorraine who had minor success as a long man and spot starter. 1 vote
• But behind Door #3 that major league ready talent I talked about included the outfielder Steve Finley, starting pitcher (and one-time all star) Pete Harnisch...and Mr. Bloody Sock himself, Curt Schilling. 1 vote

I have to ask--if you're desperate for starting pitching, would Pete Harnisch and Curt Schilling (plus Steve Finley) be enough to satisfy your hunger?

But rather than fixating on deals that were (or in this case weren't) done we can move on to the next trade to be. I had intended to continuing our firesale with erstwhile ace and permanent mustache inspiration: Carl Pavano; but all the TwinTweeters have been abuzz about the odds that Frankie Franchise is done in a Twins uniform. So, in an effort to capitalize off the popularity of this situation I hereby present: LET'S MAKE A DEAL FOR FRANCISCO LIRIANO

Every kids' favorite toy: Raggedy Ryan!

Alright, we all know the deal: Frankie's a talented if mercurial lefty, and while he might not be likely to resign with us next year (unless we offer to pay him in gum) he is probably our best pitcher right now. So, remembering that you can always keep him, let's sneak a peak at what is available behind Door #1, Door #2 and Door #3.*

Selecting Door #1 will offer you three talented prospects. First there's an outfielder (20) in Low A Ball who boasts a very promising slash line of: .245/.349/.502. Then there's a first baseman (20) in AA coming off a year in A ball where his OPS was a mighty .967 (.877 so far this year). And finally, because we know how much the Twins covet starting pitching there's a starting pitcher (23) who has been shuttling between AAA and the Majors and came into the year as one of the Top 15 prospects in all of baseball.

Meanwhile, in order to pry open Door #2 you'll have to be willing to give up a bit more than just Liriano (call it insurance against another Frankie being Frankie episode), if you're willing to give up Liriano and three more pitchers (let's say starters from A (21) and AA (19) plus a long-reliever (25) in AAA). But, if you give up that bounty you'll get back a bevy of talented AAA players including one outfielder (24) shuttling between AAA and the majors just waiting for a break through, and another whose slugging leaves a little to be desired but does get on base at a .386 clip. Since the Twins want so much pitching we'll also provide a AAA reliever (24) who has a 1.19 WHIP this year and a starter on the same AAA team who keeps the ball down (HR/9 under .5 for the last four years).

Finally, one organization, with little pitching to offer hopes to make up for it with plenty of offensive talent, starting with a first baseman (23) whose OPS in A ball this year is .812. another first baseman (23) in AA whose OPS is .973, and an outfielder (20) who has 35 stolen bases in his last two seasons of A ball.

*Note: I realize that these are underwhelming offers, but they're based on returns for pitchers like Liriano, not necessarily for pitchers available in a thin starter's market at a deadline with multiple buyers. All things being equal pitchers of Frankie's calibre tend to yield 2-3 prospects from a variety of positions.

So, while that might seem like a fuzzy pack of lollipops to choose from, there is one all-star in the making out there for you. Now, what will you do with Francisco Liriano: Keep him or trade him away for Door #1, Door #2 or Door #3?!?

A week in retrospective

Okay--so this last week has been a little busy here on the ol' home front. So let's try to do this as best we can:

Here's the last week in Minnesota Twins action

Wednesday the 4th--Delmon Young continued a ground balls hit just hard enough to avoid rally killing double plays and adding to his RBI total and our win total

Thursday the 5th--While Stinky worked at a--what do you call it: Job?--Scruffy felt a terrifying sense of impending doom. (Ron Mahay's alien arm will do that to you) Then Scruffy's mom (the Knitting Queen) made two predictions:

1) "The baseball gods, in their infinite wisdom, will not allow the Twins to lose this game when they so clearly should have won it. Sure, we may have gotten deprived of other games, but this one we clearly deserved to win and so...win it we will."

2) "We will score two runs in the 9th. I don't know how, but we will."

And low and behold we did score two runs, thanks to a suprising/distratcing double off the catwalk, The Knitting Queen was proved prescient, Scruffy no longer felt doomed and Stinky got a welcome distraction from work

Friday the 6th--Bad waitress, bad game. No more to say about that.

Saturday the 7th--Then Jason Kubel hit a home run to remind us all that running is stupid, and Carl Pavano's (and his mustache) saved the day again.

Sunday the 8th--Instead of watching the game, Stinky and Scruffy went to see Inception. Presumably the Twins beat the Indians by invading Shin Soo-Choo's dreams and convincing him to spin a top...or something...

Monday the 9th--Day-off in Chicago, the Twins snuck into a posh restaurant in enemy territory by posing as "Abe Froman: Sausage King of Chicago"

Tuesday the 10th--To celebrate the birthday of Scruffy's older brother (Chicago resident/Twins Fan) Scruffy arranges for fireworks set off by the Twins line-up. Unfortunately the team assumes that this was a metaphorical request and therefore only hits home runs rather than actually lighting fireworks.

Wednesday the 11th--Despite the haunting quack of "Swarzak" the Twins use Glen Perkins in the middle of a playoff race--the result is a foregone conclusion.

Thursday the 12th--Deprived of television, Stinky and Scruffy listen to the radio and are forced to chew their fingernails throughout Francisco Liriano's Bogus Journey in the 5th and 6th innings...but victory is achieved and all is made well.

And that brings us up to today. The Knitting Queen is off to the game tonight, and Scruffy, Stinky and Scruffy's little brother will be off to the game tomorrow night. Then Scruffy returns to Ohio and Stinky heads to Montana...but we'll be here...maybe not every day, but as often as we can be.

Until then,

The Peanuts from Heaven

Back on the Rubber Again

In honor of the amazingly resurgent Francisco Liriano we offer this set of alternate lyrics to "Back in the Saddle Again" by Gene Autry. Because who better than the Singin' Cowboy (big baseball fan and former Angels owner) to explain the joys of our beloved 'Cisco Kid?

I'm back on the rubber again

Out where a Twin is a Twin

Where all I really need

Is a measly one run lead

Back on the rubber again

Just like it was before

Rulin' the mound once more

Where I strike out guys all night

And this lefty's always right

Back on the rubber again

Whoopi-ty-aye-oh

Don't mess with Ol' Cisco

Back on the rubber again

Whoopi-ty-aye-yay

That's the way we play

Back on the rubber again

Best of luck to the boys tonight as they try to stop the beams of light in Tampa Bay.

Tonight's Philosophical Query

While Stinky is in Montana (where the buffalo roam, the deer and the antelope play, and seldom is heard a word about the Twins), I will continue our blogs with a journey out to the bullpen where amusing conversations are always in season. (They are also in season on the TV--since I can only watch the home team broadcast via MLB.Tv I was just treated to the Rangers trying to identify which player had been substituted in the 4th--"Punto's out...no wait, he's a short, so Harris is out...no, wait, he's at third and Crede's out...no wait, that is Crede, Harris is out...Oh hey, look, Morneau's out and Harris is at first!!" I half expected Morneau to be in left field, Delmon to be on the mound, and Waldo to be behind the plate)

Take for instance the philosophical musings of this ponderance: "Since the all-star break, the Twins are 9-2 when they get a quality start, and only 2-15 when they do not." Since Arlington Texas is a complete cultural void, this is the kind of thing that demands our pitching staff's complete attention.

UBERMENSCH: This may be true, but it demands that we consider what truly is a quality start?

DREAD PIRATE JOE NATHAN: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! [Subtitle: "6 innings pitched, 3 or fewer runs allowed"]

UBERMENSCH: Perhaps in the literal sense, my friend the most dreaded of pirates, but what about the figurative, emotive and symbolic senses? It is a feeble mind that considers quality on a superficial level of numbers and statistics.

CAKEBURN: Yeah, I mean, what about deliciousness of starts?

UBERMENSCH: Exactly, Nicholas! The inherent delectability or scrumdidliumptiousissitude of a pitchers performance should have as much of an influence on the outcome of the game as the statistics of "runs/hits allowed."

PERKINS: And what about really wanting to win?

UBERMENSCH: Well spotted Glenneth! If we consider personal truth to be the equivalent of physical truth, then the intense personal desire that an individual has should be the same--if not greater--than the reality of an individual's performance!

BAKER: What about adorability while giving up hits?

UBERMSENCH: Again...insightful Scottford! For, as our dear departed RA Dickey might quote: "beauty is truth, truth beauty" and, as such, we should appreciate the power and might that beauty hath wrought in our world and pay homage to it accordingly by awarding victories to the best looking of all.

SWARZAK: SWARZAK!!

UBERMESNCH: Right you are my, Duckish friend! Our very identities are unchanged, we remain named just as we always have been, we remain as comical as we always have been, and--since we have, heretofore, been excellent pitchers--we should remain excellent, winning pitchers.

DREAD PIRATE JOE NATHAN: Gar! [Subtitle: You keep saying "should": "should have as much influence", "should be the same, "should appreciate", "should remain excellent"--Yeah, all these things "should happen" BUT THEY AREN'T!!!!! We have to pitch better!!!]

UBERMENSCH: [Stroking his chin thoughtfully] Hmmm....yes...good analysis Joseph--what do you think Francisco?

CISCO KID: I think I just gave up 7 runs in 2 innings, and we lost again.

UBERMENSCH: Yes...but...what should have happened?

Weaving a spell

I have come to a conclusion. All the pain. All the suffering. All the terrible horrible no good very bad things that happen to us because of the New York Yankees are a result of fear, or as my co-blogger's mother put it recently: "some kind of magic spell"

I teach literature, so I know that the only really powerful spell is story telling, so I am left to assume that what happened was this:

The starting pitchers (and the sometimes starting pitchers) gathered together for a slumber party at the Metrodome. There was Scott Baker and Glen Perkins, and Cakeburn, and Killthrow and The Cisco Kid and the Master Librarian and Anthony Swarzak. And they played and braided each other's hair and ate popcorn and read teen idol magazines and laughed, laughed, laughed some more.

Then, before it was time for Uncle Gardy the Garden Gnome to tuck them into bed, the mean older brother came back. The brother who smelled of smoking and Southern Comfort/Fanta and evil. KYLE LOSHE.

LOSHE: "Wuzzup, suck 'tards!"

BAKER: "Kyle, you're not supposed to be here! This is our party and our fun-time!"

OTHERS: "Yeah!!"

LOSHE: [picking at the paint on the door jamb, trying to look unconcerned] "Sure, fine, whatever...I just thought I'd see y'all one last time before the Yankpires destroyed you."

OTHERS: "Yankpires?"

PERKINS: "What are they?"

LOSHE: "Yankpires? Oh, nothin'...just the most EVIL THING IN THE WORLD!!!"

OTHERS: "Gasp!"

LOSHE: "Yankpires are Yankee Vampires. They run faster than anyone else, they jump higher than anyone else, they hit the ball harder than anyone else."

DICKEY: "Wait, I'm sorry, who says that?"

LOSHE: "I READ IT IN A BOOK, TARDFACE!! Anyway. Their line-up used to have a man who would eat only hot dogs, pigeon heads and drink root beer mixed with human blood and he would turn that into home runs?"

OTHERS: "GASP!"

DICKEY: "Used to--how long ago?"

LOSHE: "80 years ago NUMBNUTS! BUT HIS GHOST IS STILL THERE!!"

DICKEY: "Vampires can become ghosts? That's not consistent with Stoker's original text, Van Helsing says--"

LOSHE: [PUNCH] "SAME THING'LL HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU INTERRUPT ME AGAIN! Anyway, The Yankpires don't feel pain, the Yankpires will eat your fastballs for breakfast, your change-ups for lunch and your face for dinner!!"

OTHERS: "whimper"

LOSHE: "It's a shame y'all have to die so bad and everything...it's a shame nobody understands Yankpires like I do. They're misunderstood and I just wish I could lie in a meadow with them, just staring into eachothers eyes as their bodies sparkle in the sunlight..."

DICKEY: "Shouldn't they die in sunli--"

LOSHE: [PUNCH] "SHUT UP!!!!! Anyway...if y'all know what's good for ya, you won't even put up a fight. You'll just run away...like the stupid little NUMBSUCKFACES you are, later...uh....uh...you...uh....THINGS!!!!"

[Loshe leaves but, all the other pitchers look panicked, they murmur scary somethings to eachother]

BAKER: "I hear if a Yankpire spikes you, you become one of them!"

LIRIANO: "I hear if a Yankpire hits a home run off of you burst into a thousand pieces."

SLOWEY: "I hear that if the Yankpires beat you, they take your powers!"

CAKEBURN: "I hear that the only cake that can defeat a Yankpire is a Garlic Forest Cake in the shape of a cross!"

SWARZAK: "SWARZAK!!!"

PERKINS: "I don't feel so good..." [Perkins vomits, then faints]

Just then Gardy came in to say goodnight

GARDY: "Okay boys, time to say good night I--[he surveys the scene]--my goodness! What have you boys been up to?"

BAKER: "Kyle came in--"

LIRIANO: "Even though we told him not to--"

SLOWEY: "And he told us about Yankpires--"

CAKEBURN: "And how dangerous they are--"

DICKEY: "And then Glen vomited and fainted and--"

SWARZAK: "SWARZAK!"

GARDY: "Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh....calm down boys. Okay, first, Kyle is a tool. Second, Yankpires are real [whimper of fear] but if you are strong of mind and body and if you channel your energies towards cooler things than vampires, things will be okay..."

DICKEY: "Cooler things like what?"

GARDY: "You know...anything that's even semi-decently written: Louis L'amour novels, Superhero comics, supervillain comics, Donald Duck cartoons, stuff about Ninjas and Pirates and Zombies and Werewolves...stuff like that."

DICKEY: "And Victorian Drawing Room FARCES!?!"

GARDY: "Uh...yeah...sure..."

DICKEY: "YYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! G'night!!"

GARDY: "Goodnight boys, good night."

And Gardy left--but he forgot the most important thing about Slumber Parties--after the parent leaves, you must remain chattering for at least three hours. This combination of poor sleep, fear, and vomiting has lead to our defeats. We only hope that we can overcome the evil spell of the Yankpires today...and maybe that we can punch Kyle Loshe in the face.

Before we go...

Try to keep a light on during the night, at least until 10 PM so it looks like it's occupied.

Take out the trash tomorrow, and then don't worry about it again.

Feel free to read the newspaper, just be sure to put it in the recycling when you're done.

Oh, and if you hear what sounds like moaning and groaning coming from the basement--that's just the zombie we keep in the basement--Throw him a squirrel, he'll be fine.

ALSO! We have these two brief notes about our beloved Twins:

1) We won last night, which was great, but owing to my work at the steakhouse I couldn't see much. What I could see is the Cisco Kid struggling. And then I could see RA Dickey rocking the house. This seems to be the standard operating procedure for Liriano's starts. Which has all seemed coincidental until I realized his name is: fRAncisco...and don't get me started on the even more obvious last name, where the dotted I looks like a period between Dickey's initials.

All of this begs the question: Is RA Dickey hiding inside a Francisco Liriano suit? Or is this just the best potential Western Drama in the history of ever? Picture it, it could be either Cisco's Librarian, or Dickey & the Kid. Studio executives, I await your call.

2) Luis Ayala wants a trade, to which we here at Peanuts from Heaven say: "Meh." Sorry Luis, I mean, we'd be sad if you didn't give up a run every single time you pitch, or if you had any kind of personality that had invented a character. So...MEH.

We hit the 'road around noon, and we may even get to hear Hall of Famer/Mr. Belvedere Cast Memember Bob Ueker call the game tonight--see you soon!!

And don't forget the mail.

Hello Delmon My Old Friend

HEY! Two victories! On the Road! That's kind of sort of totally awesome!!!

Now I could give credit for this victory to the pitchers, including Lirano* and Ayala--who I honestly expected to mutate into puddles of water like in X-men, so that the mound got very soggy and ruined the rest of the night for our pitchers. Or in the home run hit by Jason "Running is Stupid" Kubel.

*Side note--is it just me or do Francisco's struggles the second time through the order remind you of that old saying coined by our last president: "Fool me once, shame on you--fool me twice, shame on...can't get fooled again!"

But instead I'd like to give a shout out to a forgotten friend. A man we have not written nice things about since New Years. Delmon Mergatroid Young. Erstwhile Master of Supraction.

It has not been a good season for Del. He was supposed to be a break out star. Another power hitter, the sixth straight dynamite bat in an indomitable line up. And instead he has...well...sucked is a little mean...but he may well have slurped a bit.

It's not entirely his fault mind you. Sure, he ignores advice on his swing, sure he can't seem to figure out how to take a pitch and earn a walk. But he is hitting in front of Tolbert and Punto--the walking dead infield--with their sub .200 averages. So...there's not much need to challenge him. And sadder still...he lost his mom. As noted lovers of our mothers, we at Peanuts From Heaven send him condolences on that.

So it's been nice that Delmon has batted in four whole runs in the last two games. I won't pretend that this has suddenly made him the greatest player ever. But it's nice to see him back. I hope the first two months were one long distraction...so that now its time for a surprise--A SUPRACTION!!! KABAM!!

Welcome back-ish Delmon. Stick around---it's fun.

The Rise of Cakeburn

What did we learn tonight?

Well, I have a strange habit of clapping once (AND ONLY ONCE) when something good happens. When someone swings at a pitch out of the zone my father slides onto his back and kicks his legs in the air like a soft shell crab. And my mother loves winning, but wishes Mauer would hurry up and win this stupid batting title already.

But most of all we learned that reports of Nick Blackburn's demise are greatly exaggerated. But what's gotten Blackburn back on the right track: only Peanuts from Heaven Inc. knows the answer.

Prior to the game, in the pitcher's warm up session.

BLACKBURN: [Sigh]

LIRIANO: Not So Little Nicky Blackburn, what is wrong? You are not pitching with fire, intensity or even mild warmth.

BLACKBURN: I don't know Francisco, it just seems like we pitchers aren't, y'know...

LIRIANO: Cool?

BLACKBURN: Yeah! I mean, Gogo's crazy...

GOGO: [Running by to catch all balls in the area] BLAAAAAAAAGGHHGHGHGH!

BLACKBURN: Delmon's the master of supraction...

YOUNG: [appearing in a puff of smoke] DAMN STRAIGHT! [Disappears in a puff of smoke]

BLACKBURN: And Cuddy's just generally adorable...

CUDDYER: [smiles and a ding sounds] That's me.

BLACKBURN: But only you and the Dread Pirate Nathan have cool gimmicks.

NATHAN: YAAAAARRRRRRRR!

BLACKBURN: I'm just that guy who likes cake

LIRIANO: You're missing the point Nick. None of us choose our gimmicks. Do you think Brendan Harris would be the "Jim" of our clubhouse if he could pick his own gimmick?

HARRIS: No one asks me about my tap dancing skills...

LIRIANO: I'm the Cisco kid because I'm a dangerous gunslinger!

NATHAN: JOE NATHAN!! BLAAAARRR-BLA-BLARRRRGH!! [Translation: I'm the Dread Pirate Nathan because I loot and pillage through cannon fire offenses and imminent peril!]

LIRIANO: You're Cakeburn! It's over. Run with it, use it!

BLACKBURN: But Cakeburn just sounds like a lame Dick Tracy villain.

LIRIANO: So...do something villainous to the other team.

BLACKBURN: Like what?

LIRIANO: My friend, I'm a gun slinger. I cannot be a cake obsessed villain. You must find your own path.

As soulful music from The Fray played softly in the background, Not So Little Nicky Blackburn, walked slowly down a dimly lit Metrodome hallway, his cleats clicking on the concrete as the wheels in his head spun slowly and hatched a nefarious plot to undermine the White Sox pitcher.

So, upon the end of his warm up session, as he walked back towards the visitor's dugout, Mark Buehrle saw something intriguing, and was heard to say: "ooh, Skittles." The pretty colors and tangy, fruity flavors enticed Buehrle's senses. And led him away from the visitor's dugout, and towards the seats over the right field baggy. Where he spied...oh...could it be. "Ooh, sexy cake with mermaids!!"

As he watched Buehrle scale the baggy to retrieve his cakie-prize, somewhere, in the darkest shadows, lurked a man, cloaked in mystery. A man, who irrationally used commas, to indicate, dramatic pauses, in his sinister monologues.  A man, dedicated solely, to the dream, of a cake based economy, and seeking revenge, on all those, who mocked his passion for his lost love, Li'l Debbie. A man, who will now be known, as CAKEBURN!

Welcome Back

Francisco Liriano is awesome. This was established during the magical summer run of 2006. It made his injury and year off so much more painful.

Then there was a strange period of time...when Francisco was behaving, for lack of a better word, like a jerkwad. Well, not so much Francisco as his agent, Greg Genske, who threw hissy fit after hissy fit. Most of these whine fests followed the same trajectory:

Genske: "Let Francisco pitch!"

Twins: "But he's still hurt."

Genske: "Let him pitch right NOOOOOOOWWWWW!"

Twins: "He won't do very well, his arm is still hurt."

Genske: "If you don't let him pitch right now, I'll never love you ever again!"

Twins: "Okay."

Genske: "You suck, you stupid suckos!!"

Twins: "Suckos?"

Genske: "I'm going to hold my breath until you let him pitch!" [Deep breath]

Twins: "Don't do that..." [Genske's holds his breath, with his lower lip sticking out] "Greg...take a breath..." [Genske's lower lip sticks out further, his eyes water and his face goes red even more] "Greg, if you wait until he's healthy, Francisco will pitch better, and earn a bigger contract so you can get a bigger commission when he signs it."

[Genske gasps heavily expelling all his air and panting]

Genske: "For true?"

Twins: "For true..."

Genske: "Gimme money now!!!"

Twins: "No."

Genske: "You suck!!!" [Genske storms into his room to cry on his pillow and tell his Tiger Beat posters how mean Twins GM Bill Smith and Ron Gardenhire are]

Fortunately Francisco is not Greg Genske [he subscribes to Cosmo Girl and not Tiger Beat], so he's back, not pouting, not holding his breath and pitched very well until the walks in the third.

Unfortunately Francisco can't hit...but he does have Brendan Harris who, as my mother said, owed Francisco that big fat home run he just hit.

(Sadly, I'll have to got work before the game ends, so I'll leave my silliness here)