An Unconventional Pick for the Next Twins Manager

Here's the truth. Both of us peanuts love Ron Gardenhire. We know that we're in the minority there...especially after the last four years...but c'mon, he looks like a little garden gnome. He's ADORABLE!

Seriously though, thank you for the support you provided and the lack of lawsuits you threw our way Gardy. You're a cool dude.

But now our attention turns to the real focus of the hour. Who will replace Gardy on the top of the Twins dugout step?

Maybe without the glove...

Right now the fan base seems split into two camps:
1--Someone in house who can carry on the "Twins Way" and maintain the loyal, disciplined, do the little things right mentality that helped Kelly and Gardenhire lead the Twins to seven more postseasons than they ever had before. (More postseason berths helped that too.)
2--Someone from outside the organization who can provide a fresh perspective, a new way of doing things and maybe, just maybe, EVEN MORE POST SEASON WINS!!

But why not split the difference and choose someone who has been loyal and integrated in the Twins for the last fifty-or-so years, AND is not yet part of the organization? Someone who knows "The Twins Way" AND can approach problems in a way that no manager has ever done before?

That's why my pick to be the next Twins manager is...MY MOM!!

Yes, I think my mother should be the next Twins manager and before you scoff, allow me to deliver the following points in her favor.

• She's a life-long Twins fan, a former member of the knot-hole gang in Bloomington, homer-hanky waver from Montana, and loyal knitter/shouter from her current home in Minneapolis.
• She has over three decades of experience tending to unruly boys who don't know what's best for them
• She's an excellent cook (so the Pohlad's can save on wasteful post game spreads in lieu of post game potlucks!)
• She has better nicknames for players than most managers do, and can lead rally-chants like "Mientkiewicz, Mientkiewicz, Make me a Sandwich!"...which will be particularly useful if Douggie M. is her Bench coach.
• She is wise enough to tell players after critical errors: "Don't do that!" in the kind of stern, but loving tone that players will definitely respond to.
• She speaks French which is kind of like Spanish...
• She knows enough social media to engage with fans, but not so much that she would get distracted (unlike Ozzie Guillen)



I'm sorry, I'm sure you're nice people
But No...just No.

• Hiring her would give young female fans something to aspire and relate to OTHER than being a Fox Sports North Girl.
• She's a state championship knitter, which would be killer at charity auctions and events ("Bid on this award winning sweater from the Twins manager")
• She's an excellent Mezzo-Soprano, so our national anthems will forever be on pitch!
• She's working to understand SABR-metric statistics, but still appreciates a good RBI.

I know that many will prefer to debate the merits of Manny Acta versus Terry Steinbach, and others will say that managers don't make much difference anyway...but I don't care. I'm fully on board with this.

MY MOM FOR TWINS MANAGER!!

Cliff Notes to the 2014 Twins: "The Cruelest Month"

We know how it is. Life is busy: with work and family and social engagements, there are a lot of demands on your time. So, if you've missed some developments in the first month of the season, you're perfectly normal. Missing baseball games is not unlike missing reading assignments for school, so we're happy to provide this series of Cliff Notes to summarize, explain and analyze the story that is the 2014 Twins Season.

"Chapter I: April"

Summary: At the beginning of the season, the Twins are a team in the doldrums of an interminable struggle for meaning and purpose, like the Joads on the road to California, the Crachit's on December 23rd, or the Kardashians...anytime. As they take the field for the first time in a cold and forbidding Chicago, there are few notes of spring (a symbol of hope) to be found. 

While an initial flurry of subpar performances and predictable defeats confirm that perception, there are some causes for optimism. One impressive pitcher and three solid hitters offer the sense that younger, less experienced players possess a kind of indefatigable patience and ethic that renews the spirits of weary souls. Soon, jaded on lookers are speaking in positive tones, and the initially laughable albatross of the manager's "1,000 Victory" humidor is forgotten.

Yet uncertainty pervades the atmosphere, will these younger talents maintain their performance or flame out like those common symbols of youthful exuberance in literature: foolhardy soldiers and mid-90s boy-bands? Will older veterans act on the model set by their juniors, or lapse into old habits?

Notable Characters:

Kyle Gibson--long standing Twins prospect, recovered from initial struggles in the previous year to post the best season of the major league starters

Brian Dozier--Southern gentleman second baseman with inexplicable, and heretofore unknown strength.

Chris Colabello--a journeyman, young by world standards, old within the context of his career, leading a charmed existence.

Josmil Pinto--The third potent hitter, very much in the "quiet giant" genre of characters.

Ron Gardenhire--The wise teacher/sensei/jedi master trope, only with less inventive nicknames

Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins--Two of the wearily-souled veterans, capable but worn by the past. They do not perform much in this chapter, but are likely to factor more prominently as the book progresses

Mike Pelfry--While the novel lacks an antagonist, Pelfry serves as its foil and counterpoint. Every strong outing from Gibson, every hit from the sluggers is balanced by his ongoing collapse, balancing the new life of the season and players with a "memento mori"--or death omen.

Key Quotes Explained:

Team On Base Percentage .353 (#1 in the American League)--The statistic combining both hits (traditionally a Twins strength) and walks (a new focus) demonstrates the growth and development of the team as they grow into a more patient, mature team.

Team ERA for Starters: 6.08 (#15 in American League)--Despite one pitcher's success, the team continues to flounder in this particular area--the ominous presence of Pelfry has particular relevance here.

A Literary Device to Impress Your Teacher/attractive English Major Friends:

Bildungsroman--This is the term for a novel that covers the moral or mental growth of its main character (in this case the Twins), or as people less fond of German might say it "a-coming-of-age-story". At this point in the season, the Twins of 2014 very much resemble a bildungsroman, both in the development and maturation of younger players (Gibson, Dozier, Josmil), inexperienced players (Colabello), and in team philosophy (increasing the walk rate and on base percentage). However, it is notable that the bildungsroman motif must be maintained for an extended time period--and a single chapter may be a little early to make that decision.

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat that Matters (Pt. 3: The Pitchers and Staff)

This is the first in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, then we used it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers and staff members.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

Few areas of the Twins organization were as woebegone and bedraggled as the pitching staff. For the third straight year the rotation was abominable, the ERA's were up and the bullpen was overtaxed. Criticizing the pitching staff has passed "going to the lake" and "enjoying three days without storm windows" in top summer pastimes in Minnesota.

Alongside the pitching staff, the front office and managerial staff of the Twins has been similarly critiqued by everyone from my grandma to new born infants. Whether it's Ron Gardenhire's exhausted answers at post-game press conferences, Terry Ryan's intransigence with free agents, or Jim Pohlad's perceived salary dump midseason, the only thing less popular than a Twins pitcher is a Twins executive.

But surely, they aren't all that bad! With that I present a break down of the Twins Pitchers and Staff by AARP.

Vance Worley
Play: Let's keep this simple: Vance Worley stank.  -1.2
Nickname: "Vanimal" is still a pretty solid nickname, even if it captures more of his erratic, irresponsible, total uncontrollable nature 0.5
Traits: Faux-hawk is at least some kind of style 0.3
Demeanor: Given how little time he spent at the big league level, it's hard to tell -0.1
Oddities: A little bit punk, a little bit of quirky history, a whole lot of awkward silence 0.2
AARP: -0.3

Liam Hendricks

Play: The Aussie had the best winning percentage of his career...it was 1-3 and came along with an absurdly high ERA and WHIP, but still! -0.4
Nickname: I don't think "Crocodile Hendree" is going to work, but it's better than nothing 0.1
Traits: He's Australian!! And apparently the accent is catnip to lady Twins fans 0.7
Demeanor: He seems like a nice enough guy, but also a terribly self defeated one -0.2
Oddities: Again, he's AUSTRALIAN!! 0.1
AARP: 0.3

Brian Duensing

Play: Now that he doesn't have to face a line up more than once, Duensing is more frequently effective, especially against lefties...except for all the times he's not 0.3

Nickname: Twins Centric calls him "The Duenslinger" I prefer "You Make me Feel Like Duensing!", they're long ways to go for a joke...but I'm amused by it. 0.3
Traits: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much to set him apart -0.1
Demeanor: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much obvious attitude -0.1
Oddities: He was in line to be a high school English teacher, so I like him; and he did out perform fellow Husker Joba Chamberlain, so that's a plus 0.2
AARP: 0.6

Kevin Correia
Play: Our pre-season designated scapegoat actually turned out to be our most consistent and reliable starter...which says a lot...sadly 0.5

Nickname: He couldn't really live up to scape goat status or win any new ones -0.2
Traits: Despite going the whole season with us, I kept forgetting he was due to pitch 0.0
Demeanor: Durable, willing to keep trying even when he's pitching for the Twins 0.2
Oddities: He wasn't totally awful, which qualifies as odd in Twins Territory 0.1
AARP: 0.6

Anthony Swarzak

Play: He came through with one of his best seasons ever, thank god for long relief 0.6

Nickname: We're staying satisfied with calling him the Swarzak duck...god I need better pitcher nicknames 0.1
Traits: He was once suspended for pot... 0.1
Demeanor: A strong armed reliever...like all our strong armed relievers -0.1
Oddities: Pretty much just the pot thing... 0.1
AARP: 0.8


Glen Perkins

Play: In his first all-star season, Perkins was far and away the best pitcher on the staff...if only he was still a starter 1.4
Nickname: "Perky" "Perk-Dogg" "Perkins Pancake Special" "Dread Pirate Joe Nathan (because the real Dread Pirate Nathan retired to Texas a little while ago) -0.2
Traits: Minnesota born and bred, and looks like it 0.2
Demeanor: Steady and sure on the mound and in interviews, a nice combination after our recent...unpleasantness 0.9
Oddities: Uses SABR-metrics to study his own work 0.3
AARP: 2.4

Samuel Deduno

Play: Despite an injury that delayed the start of his season, Deduno performed well when he started his season--or as well as a crazily inconsistent Deduno can 0.8

Nickname: "It's Not Delivery, It's Deduno" and "Samuel De-dude-bro"; If only something summarized how wild he can get 0.4
Traits: Permanently grizzled, but with a body the width of a tooth pick  0.3
Demeanor: Willingly goes cuckoo banana pants when he pitches well  1.1
Oddities: Wild as he is, Deduno is apparently the last best Dominican pitcher left in the bigs  0.6
AARP: 3.2

Ron Gardenhire

Performance: Helped the team overachieve in the spring and underachieve in the fall 0.3

Nickname: "Gardy" "The Unhappy Gnome" 0.4
Traits: Fuzzy, scruffy, as rosy cheeked as Santa with none of the sanity 0.4
Demeanor: Either heavily sedated or in a rage 0.2
Oddities: Ended the year 2 wins short of 1,000; leads current managers in ejections; does tend to use "y" or "ie" in lieu of a nickname: ex. Doumsy, Perky, Benny, Baracky 0.3
AARP: 1.6

Terry Ryan

Performance: Much as we love Terry Ryan and drink his Kool Aid, his inability/disinterest in finding starting pitchers is a little grating 0.1
Nickname: TR, Ol' Bluff and Ready -0.2
Traits: Totally bald, I sometimes wonder if he wears sunglasses to avoid too much reflection from his head 0.0
Demeanor: "Placid" is an understatement, more like "perpetually dormant" 0.0
Oddities: Has a fondness for dressing up and going on Let's Make a Deal...at least in my imagination 0.1
AARP: 0.0

Jim Pohlad

Performance: A hands off owner, it doesn't really matter much 0.0
Nickname: "Mr Money Bags Jr." -0.1
Traits: None noticed 0.0
Demeanor: Mostly calm, slightly irritated by the teams failures...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.1
Oddities: None...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.0
AARP: 0.0

Put it all together and you have a pitching staff that's as hard to appreciate as players, and even harder to appreciate as fan favorites. Please, let there be a quirky pitcher out there somewhere...anywhere...

Wha' Happened #8 (@ Kansas City & Washington, v.s. Philadelphia & Detroit)

Look out ladies!

Game 57
Twins 3 - Royals 0
Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can.

Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies...

Game 58
Royals 4 - Twins 1
In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone]

Game 59
Royals 7 - Twins 3
I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!!


Game 60
(Rained out)
There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured)

Game 61
Twins 4- Nationals 3
I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished.

Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog

Preparation, Expectation, Joy

Oh, it's still just a hot dog

like laws, don't show me.

Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out)
Nationals 7 - Twins 0
The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. :( "

Game 62
Nationals 5 - Twins 4
This series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez).

But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to.

does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well"

Game 63
Twins 3 - Phillies 2


Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping])

Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo.

Game 64
Twins 4 - Phillies 3
The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song.

Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits.

BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles

Soft and subtle meat

Fresh veggies singing for you

Wow...that price is right

Game 65
Phillies 3 - Twins 2
Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again).

Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night).

This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts.

Game 66
Tigers 4 - Twins 0
Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said.

Game 67
Twins 6 - Tigers 3

Annabelle Sanchez

The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary.

Dear Diary,
Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so!  I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary!

Annabelle

This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session.

Game 68
Tigers 5 - Twins 2
The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister.

Unimpressed.

A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players
"Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes."
etc.

P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun!

Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!)
Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

Le Mort de le Marqius de Marquis

We here at Peanuts from Heaven don't usually advocate for the French (they talk funny and haven't given us much since the Statue of Liberty, the Louisiana Purchase and Fried Potatoes) but we have to say that  perhaps we underestimated the satirical French playwright Moliere whose stinging account of "The Death of the Marquis de Marquis" seems oddly prescient in light of this week's roster move.

We provide the most relevant scene below:

...Bijoux and Pyjama [a pair of young sophisticates recently arrived in a country house to woo the daughters of Ronald le Lutin [the gnome] a wealthy, and crumudgeonly, old man with a large estate] sit in a drawing room debating their situation


Bijoux: Is it just me or is this frightfully easy?
Pyjama: It is indeed old friend. For those with youthful faces and adventurous spirits anything is possible.
Bijoux: I feel as if I could fly above the larks and the jays, indeed, higher even than the angels, such is the love I feel for my dear Minnie.
Pyjama: Though your poetry tastes of bog water, I admire your sentiment, good sir. My love for Sota is such that I would gladly battle with tigers or even wash the socks of the foulest Welsh pig butcher!

Bijoux and Pyjama mid discussion

Bijoux: My god! That is love!
Pyjama: Indeed, there is only one flaw with our situation...
Bijoux: Le Lutin's insistence that we grit and pluck?
Pyjama: No, le Marquis de Marquis
Bijoux: Ah yes, the poor Marquis de Marquis.
Pyjama: He is a fine man...
Bijoux: Indeed, fine as a fine Bordeaux
Pyjama: ..and a wise man...
Bijoux: Indeed, as wise as a sage farmer.
Pyjama: ...but...He does not belong here.
Bijoux: No.
Pyjama: He cannot help Minne or Sota to learn their lessons.
Bijoux: No, no.
Pyjama: He cannot teach Le Lutin to behave like a nobleman.
Bijoux: No, no, no.
Pyjama: He cannot burn with the fire of youth as we do.
Bijoux: No, no, no, no, a thousand times no.
Pyjama: What is there to do, Bijoux?
Bijoux: Perhaps we could play a joke on him! If we pretend that he has passed away from this world and is now an etheral spectre beyond our vision and hearing, he may wander off of his own accord!
Pyjama: Genius! Such chicanery is normally seen in Parisian theaters, but why not here in the country! Quiet now, here comes the Marquis!
[Le Marquis de Marquis enters, stumbling slightly, looking very shabby and totally out of place in comparison with the young men]

Man believed to be the inspiration
for Le Marquis de Marquis

Marquis: My god! What a horror! The brewers, they are revolting! My head is ringed with barrels and my barrels are headed with rings!! I don't even know what that means!! But if I keep up this charade perhaps I can keep the kind hospitality of le Lutin a little longer. [Sees Bijoux and Pyjama] Oh! There are those young men, Messieurs Bijoux and Pyjama (odd names, but good men). Gentlemen how are you!! [Bijoux and Pyjama ignore him] I say sirs! GOOD DAY!! [Walks over to them, still being ignored]
Bijoux: Stop friend, I feel a wind across my cheeks that I have not sensed since le Marquis de Marquis left us.
Marquis: Because I have returned!!
Pyjama: I feel the same gust my friend. But surely it's our sorrow at having lost so good a man so young.
Marquis: But I am found!! HERE!!
Bijoux: His death was quite the shock, it reminds us to savor our successes as fleeting wisps of air in the clouds of life.
Marquis: D-d-d-DEATH? MOI?! Yet here I stand! Could this be some trick,?I could push a hand against them and know for sure. But that would be rude and we French are never rude! Better to just float away, ghost that I am, for a better place. Adieu, adieu dear friends...live well and remember me!
[He is about to leave when Le Lutin enters, looking grumpy. Bijoux and Pyjama look forlorn that their ruse will be discovered]
Marquis: Oh, le Lutin! How I'll miss you! Your rosy cheeks! Your stern facade!! Your incoherent mutterings about pitchers for contact! Know that, though I may be dead to you, you will always be alive to me, my chubby little Lord Dumpling!! Goodbye Goodbye! A dozen times goodbye!! [Marquis de Marquis exits and Le Lutin crosses over to a relieved looking Bijoux and Pyjama]
Le Lutin: See, if you got grit you don't go crazy like that.

FIN

Put another way for those readers who don't care to read Moliere or catch the little French in-jokes here: "Adieu Jason Marquis, parting is such sweet sorrow"

Greatest. Promotional Idea. Ever.

Now that pitchers and catchers have officially reported to Ft. Meyers we can turn off the hot stove and turn on our baseball brains.

My baseball brain would like to offer the Twins the following promotional opportunity. The team recently announced that, for the first time in a decade, there would be no bobblehead give-away day this season. Since the bobbleheads were once a big lure for a team struggling to draw fans, boost attendance and generate revenue to put back into payroll, we need some kind of new event.

SO! We propose that, for one day this year, we turn Target Field into: Twinton Abbey!

This is made possible by the Pohlad Charitable Trust and Fans like You

Thrill at the drama as Lord Gardenhire tries to navigate the tumultuous world of the American League; Swoon as heir to all Twins Territory, Joe Mauer, mulls whether or not he can accept these responsibilities and the love of a good woman; Laugh at the lastest zinger from the Dowager Count Terry Ryan! ("Don't be a defeatist dear; it's so middle class, we might as well live in Oakland!")

We could have fans play the servants and mow the grass/fill the gatorade jug before the game. Dick and Bert could call the whole thing in a British accent. And after the game, season-ticket holders can have a formal dinner with the players at which something shocking is announced (war; engagement; end-of-war; trade of Matt Capps; end-of-engagement; Spanish-flu outbreak, etc).

Given the wild popularity of the show, baseball's inherent fondness for "turn-back-the-clock" type promotions, and the fact that PBS has been guilting people into giving them money for decades this is a no-brainer! Easy money for the Twins and pure hilarity for the fans.

Twins officials: I await your phone call!

Ron Gardenhire's Dirty Secret

Last night's game started at 7 and was over shortly after 9, and that was largely because Matt Capps came in to throw a few pitches, give up a run and make sure that Dick and Bert got to do all their in game plugs.

Even though the Twins lost, and team manager/life-sized garden gnome/prototype for crusty managers everywhere Ron Gardenhire looked like he was having a furious internal debate about whether to take a couple

tylenol or a couple shots of tequila, he also looked pretty darned pleased to be leaving the park so quickly. Maybe it was because he got to go for drinks with rival manager/polar opposite/walking twitter feed Ozzie Guillen, maybe it was because he really wanted to watch Real Housewives of Orange County in his hotel room, or maybe it was because Mark Buehrle was pitching.

Mark Buehrle does the things that make Ron Gardenhire happy. He throws strikes (65% of all pitches). He pitches to contact (84% of all pitches, with batters stuck with a .293 average on balls in play). And he makes quality starts (65% of all his starts). This season the Twins staff was a little worse than Buehrle in all those categories (63% Strike Rate, 82% Contact rate, .304 BABIP, just 51% of all games are Quality Starts). Now...Gardy doesn't know or care about any of those stats...he focuses solely on the GSQ: Gardy Scrappiness Quotient. And whereas Buehrle (by virtue of his defense, endurance and beard) rates 94.8/100, current Twins pitchers earn a meagre 51.6/100.

At the end of the day, I can help but imagine Gardy sitting back watching the game, dreaming of the offseason when Mark Buehrle is a free agent, and Gardy can confess his deep and abiding admiration for him. And Buehrle admits that, deep down, he has always wanted to be a Twin. And he signs a fiscally sensible contract, and dons the red, blue and white, and anchors the Twins rotation and leads us to glory and through it all Gardy never has to drink away the sadness and the world is a bright and happy place again. But of course Buehrle wears the black and white, and all Gardy can do is fantasize. Fantasize about Buehrle.

Smells Like Lutefisk, Ya Know?

It was Lutheran Night at Target Field.

This caused several problems. First of all, the EMTs were in over their heads before the game even started when fans began passing out left and right due to wearing Norwegian Sweaters in the 90 degree heat. Secondly, in a sudden reversal of the principles of economics, prices of back row seats shot up 300% because nobody wanted to sit in the front. There was also great confusion when fans tried to sing grace before eating their hot dogs and were unsure whether to "strengthened for thy service be" or "feast in paradise with thee" -a brawl actually broke out in section 214. There was also the 4 part harmony dramz during the national anthem (there were too many sopranos), and the fact that many people were so reluctant to rudely walk in front of one another that they simply refused to go to the restroom at all, which resulted in an unfortunate stinkyness throughout many sections of the stadium.

Down in the dugout, Drew Butera was trying to figure out what to do. He had just gotten in touch with his Norwegian self, and he realized that ordering Pavano to throw certain pitches was not very Lutheran. He decided instead to make "suggestions" to Carl, and then if he didn't like what Carl threw he would call Ben Revere later to complain and maybe also to gossip about Luke Hughes.

Danny Valencia, meanwhile, was having a conniption. "But GUYS," he said. "It's LUTHERAN NIGHT. We can't just score runs against these guys, they get beat up by the Yankees and the Red Sox all the time and it just...it wouldn't be very nice."

"Well," said Cuddy, as he smiled extra-bright and his dimples shone like an exploding supernova. "What should we do then? I mean chances are we're going to hit the ball occasionally and probably get on base sometimes."

Joe Mauer chimed in then - he'd been thinking a lot about this Lutheran niceness and such. "How about I'll wait until there are 2 outs before I get a hit? And then probably no one will score, so we won't make the Orioles feel too bad."

"Gee," said Danny. "That's a great idea! And then maybe we can guilt them into letting us win!!" It was too brilliant (and too convoluted) to fail.

Or not.

And that is how the Twins got smacked down by the Baltimore Orioles, 4-1 on August 22, 2011. There was also some serious fan interference, and some extremely un-Norwegian behavior exhibited by Gardy (awesome) but the important thing you must remember - we lost tonight because of passive-aggressiveness. And also lutefisk.

Scott Diamond and the Field of Mugginess

Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy...it is HOT. Minneapolis is in a bout of heat and humidity that literally rivals the Amazonian rainforest. It is not yet hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, but you could probably poach one in the air if you wanted to. It is so muggy that mosquitos soon may need to start an anti-obesity program. Into these swampy circumstances the Twins trotted out for two games yesterday, and they lost them both. We could throw in the towel...but we need that towel to soak in ice water and keep cool. Also, baseball's more fun if you're positive and optimistic.

Because of that, I just want to give a special shout out to Scott Diamond, whose first major league start last night was neither awe-inspiring nor god awful; but regardless of how the game turned out or how Diamond performed he looked as pleased as punch just to be there, and his having fun left me feeling pretty good about life.

Maybe it was Diamond's boyish enthusiasm, maybe it was spending all-day Saturday watching a certain movie franchise from start to finish, maybe it was both of these plus the aforementioned sweltering heat making me a little loopy, but I suddenly imagined that instead of a call to come to Minneapolis, Mr. Diamond got this letter (which totally isn't real, but totally ought to be):

Mr. S. Diamond

The Bullpen Under the Bleachers

Rochester, NY

Mr. Diamond,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to pitch at Targwarts Field of Switch-Hitting Craft and Wizardry. We have been monitoring your progress as an apprentice pitching Wizard and would like to provide you with appropriate tutelage to master your skills. Please bring your own glove, spikes and dehumidifying bubble charm to protect you from oppressive heat in the area. We will be unable to reimburse you for any travel expenses, but if you could arrange travel to the Minneapolis Airport via broomstick we will provide the blue ox drawn carriage to ferry you to Targwarts.

We shall expect your arrival by 6 o'clock on Monday, July 18th, should you fail to arrive we will assume you have been killed by the Steinbrenner who Shall not be Named.

Yours Sincerely,

Ronald Gardenhire

Keeper of Keys, Grounds and Line-up Cards at Targwarts Field

P.s. This totally isn't rookie hazing...we really are wizards, I promise!

Getting better with age

Despite the, shall we say, "less-than-ideal" outcome of Friday night's game; the Twins battled back this weekend and won their series against the Kansas City Royals. In so doing, they showed pluck, determination, resiliency and a lot of gray hairs.

The Twins have played well lately, thanks largely to the energetic play of rookies rising to the occasion, so now and then its nice to see some of our more grizzled veterans deliver right when we need them.

Exhibit A: After the fury of Twin Cities' fans blew up in the face of one Matthew Capps, Twins Manager/Kindly Grandfather Figure Ron Gardenhire defended Capps from the rampaging horde and then saved him from future furor by giving the closer's job back to the grand ol' man of the bullpen: Dread Pirate Joe Nathan.

Contrary to reports, the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has not been retired for two years and living like a king in Patagonia, instead he was sailing around the Caribbean looking for the fountain of youth to repair his pitching/swashbuckling arm. Half-way through the trip he picked up a bootleg copy of the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie; saw that Blackbeard & Jack Sparrow had beaten him there and made a terrible movie about it, and returned to Minnesota. TA-DA two saves in two days.

Exhibit B: While the Dread Pirate's return elicited many cheers and many more "YAAAARRRS!" the biggest hit of the weekend belongs to our very own Paul Bunyan Impersonator Jim Thome.

Launching a 464 foot blast to centerfield, Jimbo looked every bit like the smoke monster of old, the one that terrified and destroyed us in his years with the White Sox or the Indians. And while that was cool to see, it was even more amusing to see others react to the blast Delmon Young’s jaw dropped to the on-deck circle, Ben Revere stood at home plate arms raised, looking like a toddler asking his dad for a piggy-back ride.

The Twins needed every run of the three-run shot to stave off another Royals comeback, but they did it, and they did it thanks to the grand old men of the game. So we tip our caps to our grizzled vets, Joe Nathan and Jim Thome.

Stay hydrated today guys, we’re not letting you ride off into the sunset just yet.

New Years Resolutions

After a delightful holiday break, we loyal Peanuts are back in business for your 2011 in Twinnesota.

There's all kinds of big things coming up in the year ahead, heck, in the next week alone, Carl Pavano will probably pick where to pitch, Bert Blyleven will find out if he gets a Hall of Fame plaque, and Bill Smith will see if he can return ugly sweaters after a couple of weeks. But while each of those events will merit big news coverage, we should also bear in mind the personal stories that distinguish just what makes our team so special.

Of course, every team wants to win a World Series, but what are the personal goals of our favorite athletes? Since we can't ask them ourselves, let's just make up what their New Year Resolutions could be!

Joe Mauer: Drop debut rap album Catcher in the Raw in time for the 2011 holiday season.

Jose Mijares: Find whoever keeps posting pictures of me as a princess and beat them up.

Denard Span: Go rest of life without hitting mother with a foul ball.

Carl Pavano: Keep the facial hair comeback alive by adding mutton chops.

Justin Morneau:Learn how to play first base inside a protective bubble to avoid future injuries.

Matt Capps: Pitch well enough to avoid the nickname "Fat Capps".

Delmon Young: Popularize the nickname "Fat Capps"

Brian Duensing: Convince bouncers in Minneapolis that I am actually old enough to get in to local night clubs.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka: Figure out how to play baseball in a very cold American city (wearing this blanket as a uniform might be a good start)

Scott Baker: Grow facial hair that doesn't get mocked endlessly.

Michael Cuddyer: Perfect the "Vanishing Yankee" illusion.

Ron Gardenhire: Learn how to use the twitter, so I can critique how other people do their jobs...that's the point of the thing...right?

Oh, god! The Hot Stove!!

If you're a frequent reader of this blog (and if you are, we love you) you might be wondering why we have not been written anything of late. Well, Stinky, has been hard at work on various things, and I have been celebrating the sacred holiday of Gardygiving (which involves eating way too much for weeks on end and basking in eternal gratitude to the one true Gardenhire). But we're back and here we be with a quick check on the last few weeks in Twins news and notes:

Joe Mauer and Delmon Young finish in the top 10 of AL MVP voting

It's not as cool as a big shiny trophy, but just remember Joe Mauer had a down year and Delmon Young still gets ripped by 90% of Twins Fans, and suddenly it seems like quite the accomplishment. But I still bet Stinky's dad call's him Delmont

Twins win the negotiation rights to Japanese Shortstop Tsuyoshi Nishioka

Chibbe Lotte Marines standout and slap base hitter could do well in a big ball park like Target field, and the fact that the Twins are willing to spend money just on the opportunity to potentially sign the guy sounds pretty good to most fans. But perhaps the most interesting part of this is that Nishikowa makes art during commercials, and commercials during art.

I don't know about you, but I prefer my shortstops with just a hint of artistic genius.

and...oh yeah

Ron Gardenhire wins Manager of the Year, gets a new contract and gets his own day in Minnesota

Responses from our friends, allies and acquaintances

Stinky: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SO HAPPY!!! GARDY!!!

Sparky: It's cool, but Terry Francona shoulda--(Scruffy: I'm gonna stop you there...No)

Denard Span: "Congrats to the best manager in bestball! Way overdue"

The Knitting Queen: Good for him!

Tim Pawlenty: Let us rejoice and give blessings in honor of Gardenhire the noble and most high! (Scruffy: "Way ahead of you Timbo")

Batgirl: "Feel great disturbance in Force. As if millions of Internet cranks cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced"

Seriously though, way to go Gardy--you the man--or gnome...you can be whatever you wanna be, you're Gardy.

We don't want to make too many promises here, but both Stinky and I are hoping that once grad school comes to a mid-year hiatus we will have a little more time to nerd it up. In the mean time, simmer little hot stove...simmer!

... Silver lining found! (sort of)

OK, so now that the Twins have lost 5 straight (brutal) games to the 3rd and 5th place teams in our own division it's getting tough to be optomistic. One of our loyal readers (who may or may not be my dad... ) still tried though:
Dad: Ahh we'll be fine. In '87 the Twins lost a bunch of games right before the playoffs.
Stinky: True. Dick and Bert mentioned that as well. They also mentioned that those losses were mostly because of lack of run support, not s**ty pitching like is happening now.
Dad: ....oh. true.

Even Gardy said the starters aren't pitching worth crap...and that is basically a direct quote. Gardy is PISSED.

So....
1) We're losing to teams we should be grinding into particles so tiny even my mom's food processor would be impressed.
2) Our starting pitching is terrible.
3) We're completely screwed
4) My sinuses hate me.

...but at least I had pie for breakfast.

An unpleasant definition

While Stinky is enjoying "Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day" at the Minnesota Renaissance festival, I watched the Twins game...and by the end of it wished I had driven from Ohio to the Ren Fest instead.

As mad as Gardy and pretty much everybody in the dugout/stands/watching at home was by the double play debacle, perhaps we can understand the confusion by reviewing a page from the dictionary issued to umpires by Major League Baseball:

Catch (v.): 1) To seize, hold, intercept or otherwise ensnare. 2) Or not, I guess, I mean, "truth" is so subjective, so go ahead and define things however you want, I don't care, I'm just a dictionary

CURSE YOU AMBIVALENT DICTIONARIES!!!

Dr. Cakeburn Rises Again! (A silly short story)

Last week, when Kevin Slowey left the rotation a cry rose up from the panicked citizens of Twinnesota: "WHO SHALL SAVE OUR ROTATION FROM IT'S DARKEST HOUR!?!?" The situation was dire. We could hear our rivals in the Kingdom of the Pale Hosers cackling with glee as our resurgent Slo-Slo suffered a painful set back. We needed a hero, someone to step up and rescue us before a bad situation got worse.

The General Magistrate of Twinnesota (Bill Smith) conferred with the wise little Garden Gnome. "Shall we trade our livestock?" mused Smith "Perhaps the bear cubs might give us a hero if we send them a dozen cows, seven pigs and a sheep to be named later."

"Nay," said the Gnome, "it shall not be"

"Can anyone in our pen of bulls help, just as Sir Duensing has done?"

"Nay," said the Gnome, "it shall not be"

"Swarzak?" quacked a hopeful duck in the corner. (No one listened to him)

"We shall call on the Doctor," said the Gnome with a smile. "Yes," grinned the Magistrate, "the nefarious doctor!"

And so it was announced to the people: The Nefarious Dr. Cakeburn, he who had been cursed and vilified and banished for crimes against the ERA, would return to Twinnesota.

And there was much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments and tearing of hair and burning of effigies and eating of cheese curds. "HE STINKS!" cried the citizens. "HE SUCKS!!! DRESS HIM UP AS A SHEEP AND SEND HIM TO THE BEAR CUBS!!!" (This had been their cry for many months before, and it was their cry again.)

But the Dr. Cakeburn was a changed man, a man with a new cupcake at home that needed to be cared for, and so he reapplied his mastery of pitching and baking to the needs of his friends in

Twinnesota. He tried to implement psychology to his advantage. To know what his rivals feared and exploit it. Tasked with besting the Seatilians, he remembered that Mariners (especially

Ancient ones) would run in terror from an albatross cake (or so said his literature teacher). So first went the cake, next came the fear, and finally came the pitches like so many divebombing albatrii...albatrosses...something.

And thus did Dr. Cakeburn regain his former glory to much cheering and hooting from the Twinnesotans who had only moments ago called him many dirty things, and who will likely do it again when next he struggles...but Dr. Cakeburn does not care, he will fight for Twinnesota all the same. He may not be the hero we want, but he is the hero we need.

P.s. Seriously, congrats to Nick Blackburn on starting a new family (and the win too...but I'm guessing the family's a little more important)

Dear Gardy Clause

Remember when you were a kid and you used to write Santa about all the things you wanted? This post is a little like that: only instead of writing to Santa I'm writing to his cousin in Twin's Territory "Gardy Clause" the gnome, who is like Santa--only better because he answers requests all summer long rather than on one night in the middle of winter AND because he entertains us all with tirades against umpires.

Dear Gardy Clause,

I've been a very good fan this season. I have done my best to keep up with this blog and even watched a game on my computer in India AND I racked up a hefty cell phone bill in Africa getting play by play from my parents.

Because I've been such a good fan, I want to ask you for something a couple things early this year:

1st: Could you maybe have one of these games against the White Sox end before 10:30--it means I stay up until 11:30 out east and then get up at 6 for work...I love the Twins but I also love sleep.

2nd: As nice as all the extra media coverage about the Twins is (ESPN suddenly remembered that we exist!) it does come with the side effect that Yankees fans snootily pronounce our imminent demise come October. Please help Yankees fans learn the meaning of humility...or at least the right way to spell it.

3rd: Like I said, I've been a good fan, I have tried not to say anything mean or bad about anybody...but John Rauch and Matt Capps give me heart palpitations. I have many funny names that I could tease them with (well...okay Johnny the Grauch is funny...Matt Capps is just an allusion to his weight) but I'm trying not to because calling people names is wrong. Then again, so is blowing saves. Please ask them not to blow any more saves and I will in turn avoid name calling.

Those are the things I want right now, but I hereby reserve the right to change requests at a later date. (Especially if these requests are answered and rendered moot)* If I can't have these things, then please send me a firetruck...or Ken Burn's Baseball on DVD.

Thanks!

Scruffy

*Note: I actually did include that kind of legalistic language in my letters to Santa...why? Because I'm awesome, obviously.

LiveBlog: the Aftermath

WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND TOMORROW WE’RE GOING TO GET FREAKING DESTROYED BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT WAS SO, SO SO GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ran a victory lap around my apartment – I can’t even imagine how much my neighbors must hate me.

Wait I’m sorry… was that Gardy doing a Carlos Gomez impression on the radio? Is he drunk already? Or was that Gomez’s real voice? Or… what the heck? I’m so confused.

OK – let’s just talk about this for a second. Who would have thought???? Just a few weeks ago, the Twins were seven games back and below .500. Now they’re division champs and 10 games above .500. What an unbelievable comeback. And they did it without Hot-Pants Justin! And without Mauer for the first month, and with a crappy bullpen and half of a starting rotation. I mean seriously- plagued by injuries, with a pitching staff held together with little more than the sheer power of Gardy’s will, we make the playoffs. What a season.

Not to mention…what a game! And what an amazingly well-managed game. Leyland made some seriously sharp moves, putting Gardy in a tough position when he subbed Gomez for Kubel, thinking Gurrier would pitch into the 8th and Nathan would take the 9th. Suddenly Gardy is stuck with his hottest hitter on the bench and no closer. AND WE STILL WON. If Gardy doesn’t win Manager of the Year, something is seriously amiss in the land of baseball karma.

We’ll probably lose tomorrow….OK let’s be honest with ourselves, we’ll probably get swept by the Yankees. Duensing vs. Sabathia? That’s like a death match between a puppy and a T. Rex. I won’t elaborate on that metaphor because it would be sad and kind of gross, but you get the idea.

What a way to leave the dome – as Division Champs. Whatever happens next, we had a great year of Twins baseball.

"It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it's the journey that matters, in the end." - Ursula K. LeGuin

To break the Tension...

Here's a special fairy tale, concocted by we loyal Peanuts from Heaven to explain the strange but true happenings at Comerica Park yesterday.

Once upon a time, the noble kingdom of Twinnesota was locked in an epic struggle with the equally noble kingdom of Detriger.

The Twinnesotans and the Detrigers fought one another tooth and nail and hair follicle to an epic stand still, and though it seemed at times that one land would surely triumph over the other, it never seemed to go as planned.

On the day of the final battle, the King of the Twinnesotans--Gardy the Gnome, called upon his troops to rally, resolve and prevail over the Detrigers. He sent into the fray Scottius the Baby-Faced, who, confronted with such an imposing enemy force began to hurl his arsenal of weapons wildly, confusedly, bouncing far away from the enemy just as often as it whizzed by their ears.

Finally, Scottius the Baby-Faced did hit Sir Marcus the Surly. Which neither Marcus the Surly, nor King Lelyand the Craggy-faced appreciated. "Grrrr," said Marcus the Surly. "[inaudible mumble/spitting of tobacco]" said King Leyland the Craggy-Faced.

For this reason did Sir Marcus the Surly charge towards the Twinnesotan roguish hero Orlando Calrissian the CDLXVIIth (his progenitor comes from a galaxy far away and a long, looooong time ago, remember?)

Sayeth Orlando Calrissian CDLXVII: "Dude, WTF?"

Sayeth Sir Marcus the Surly: "grrr..."

Sayeth Scottius the Baby-Faced: "My previous pain might have been inflicted by accident, but rest assured Sir Marcus, my next near miss will be intentional!"

Sayeth Sir Marcus the Surly: "double grr..."

Then did all calm down upon the battle field, for surely two such awesome teams filled with neither Yankees nor Dodgers nor be-hosed teams of either Snowy or Crimison-shade should be such enemies. It would be stupid to continue such mewlish, cranky-pants-esque behavior...so the battle was joined again, politely.

Until the Prettiest Princess in all of Twinnesota emerged from the pen of bulls to enter the fray. King Gardy the Gnome was an open minded man and did not consider Princess Jose Mijares to be any less able a warrior than Scottius the Baby-Faced or Orlando Calrissian CDLXVII. But unbeknownst to King Gardy, Scottius or even Orlando, the Pretty Pretty Princess was highly enamored of Orlando Calrissian. The pain nearly inflicted upon him, caused great rage to burn with in her pretty pretty princess heart, and so she decided to try and punish the former Twinnesotan now Detriger warrior: Sir Opie the Goofy Lookin'.

This did not make the Detrigers happy. "octuple grrr" Said Sir Marcus the Surly. "Golly gee, that sure wasn't nice!" said Sir Opie the Goofy Lookin'. "[Inaudible profanity/tobacco spitting]" said King Leyland the Craggy-Faced.

"Oh, F* Bomb" Said Delmondo the Magical. For you see, Delmondo knew of Pretty Princess Mijares' love of Orlando Calrissian, and Delmondo also knew of the debt of honor that all decent people owe other decent people when somebody goes totally insane. Delmondo the Magical would have to sacrifice himself to the Detrigers because of Pretty Princess Mijares mad affections.

Sure enough Sir Jeremy the-guy-I-can't-come-up-with-an-adjective-for-because-he-just-looks-too-bland, did indeed inflict great pain upon Delmondo the Magical. Which made Delmondo the Magical burn with the desire to inflict great pain upon the Pretty Princess Jose Mijares, which led to confusion amongst the Detrigers, and noble King Gardy the Gnome's response of: "sigh....heavy sigh...."

So, to all you Tigers fans who read our blog, know this--we are sorry, that was stupid. We still kind of hope you lose--but if you win, 'sokay, you deserve it.

Weaving a spell

I have come to a conclusion. All the pain. All the suffering. All the terrible horrible no good very bad things that happen to us because of the New York Yankees are a result of fear, or as my co-blogger's mother put it recently: "some kind of magic spell"

I teach literature, so I know that the only really powerful spell is story telling, so I am left to assume that what happened was this:

The starting pitchers (and the sometimes starting pitchers) gathered together for a slumber party at the Metrodome. There was Scott Baker and Glen Perkins, and Cakeburn, and Killthrow and The Cisco Kid and the Master Librarian and Anthony Swarzak. And they played and braided each other's hair and ate popcorn and read teen idol magazines and laughed, laughed, laughed some more.

Then, before it was time for Uncle Gardy the Garden Gnome to tuck them into bed, the mean older brother came back. The brother who smelled of smoking and Southern Comfort/Fanta and evil. KYLE LOSHE.

LOSHE: "Wuzzup, suck 'tards!"

BAKER: "Kyle, you're not supposed to be here! This is our party and our fun-time!"

OTHERS: "Yeah!!"

LOSHE: [picking at the paint on the door jamb, trying to look unconcerned] "Sure, fine, whatever...I just thought I'd see y'all one last time before the Yankpires destroyed you."

OTHERS: "Yankpires?"

PERKINS: "What are they?"

LOSHE: "Yankpires? Oh, nothin'...just the most EVIL THING IN THE WORLD!!!"

OTHERS: "Gasp!"

LOSHE: "Yankpires are Yankee Vampires. They run faster than anyone else, they jump higher than anyone else, they hit the ball harder than anyone else."

DICKEY: "Wait, I'm sorry, who says that?"

LOSHE: "I READ IT IN A BOOK, TARDFACE!! Anyway. Their line-up used to have a man who would eat only hot dogs, pigeon heads and drink root beer mixed with human blood and he would turn that into home runs?"

OTHERS: "GASP!"

DICKEY: "Used to--how long ago?"

LOSHE: "80 years ago NUMBNUTS! BUT HIS GHOST IS STILL THERE!!"

DICKEY: "Vampires can become ghosts? That's not consistent with Stoker's original text, Van Helsing says--"

LOSHE: [PUNCH] "SAME THING'LL HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU INTERRUPT ME AGAIN! Anyway, The Yankpires don't feel pain, the Yankpires will eat your fastballs for breakfast, your change-ups for lunch and your face for dinner!!"

OTHERS: "whimper"

LOSHE: "It's a shame y'all have to die so bad and everything...it's a shame nobody understands Yankpires like I do. They're misunderstood and I just wish I could lie in a meadow with them, just staring into eachothers eyes as their bodies sparkle in the sunlight..."

DICKEY: "Shouldn't they die in sunli--"

LOSHE: [PUNCH] "SHUT UP!!!!! Anyway...if y'all know what's good for ya, you won't even put up a fight. You'll just run away...like the stupid little NUMBSUCKFACES you are, later...uh....uh...you...uh....THINGS!!!!"

[Loshe leaves but, all the other pitchers look panicked, they murmur scary somethings to eachother]

BAKER: "I hear if a Yankpire spikes you, you become one of them!"

LIRIANO: "I hear if a Yankpire hits a home run off of you burst into a thousand pieces."

SLOWEY: "I hear that if the Yankpires beat you, they take your powers!"

CAKEBURN: "I hear that the only cake that can defeat a Yankpire is a Garlic Forest Cake in the shape of a cross!"

SWARZAK: "SWARZAK!!!"

PERKINS: "I don't feel so good..." [Perkins vomits, then faints]

Just then Gardy came in to say goodnight

GARDY: "Okay boys, time to say good night I--[he surveys the scene]--my goodness! What have you boys been up to?"

BAKER: "Kyle came in--"

LIRIANO: "Even though we told him not to--"

SLOWEY: "And he told us about Yankpires--"

CAKEBURN: "And how dangerous they are--"

DICKEY: "And then Glen vomited and fainted and--"

SWARZAK: "SWARZAK!"

GARDY: "Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh....calm down boys. Okay, first, Kyle is a tool. Second, Yankpires are real [whimper of fear] but if you are strong of mind and body and if you channel your energies towards cooler things than vampires, things will be okay..."

DICKEY: "Cooler things like what?"

GARDY: "You know...anything that's even semi-decently written: Louis L'amour novels, Superhero comics, supervillain comics, Donald Duck cartoons, stuff about Ninjas and Pirates and Zombies and Werewolves...stuff like that."

DICKEY: "And Victorian Drawing Room FARCES!?!"

GARDY: "Uh...yeah...sure..."

DICKEY: "YYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! G'night!!"

GARDY: "Goodnight boys, good night."

And Gardy left--but he forgot the most important thing about Slumber Parties--after the parent leaves, you must remain chattering for at least three hours. This combination of poor sleep, fear, and vomiting has lead to our defeats. We only hope that we can overcome the evil spell of the Yankpires today...and maybe that we can punch Kyle Loshe in the face.

The Road Trip: In Photoshop

For anyone who would prefer an account of our road trip with fewer words and more pictures: consider this for you.

We began on the road to Milwaukee. And while we had high hopes for a Twins win to kick off our tour, we instead ran into Brewers Announcer Brian Anderson whose predictions continually went wrong...earning him the title: NOT-STRADAMUS

But at the game the next day we were filled with hope. Until we saw the massive frame of Prince Fielder, who tied the game with a big home run. We wondered how a vegetarian could be so fat, until we realized that souls do not contain meat...so Prince Fielder probably devours souls of his opponents.

One soul that Prince could never devour is that of our plucky lead off hero, Denard Span. And what we like about Denard...he really knows how to dance (particularly around the base paths and mid slide:After Denard danced over the Brewers, the Twins headed south to St. Louis, for the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny between Joe Mauer--the be-sideburned god of the Upper Midwest, and Albert Pujols--the Uni-browed Diety of the Lower Midwest. They would face-off once and for all...literally:

Mauer and his boys took 2 out of 3, but Pujols impressed us, even from a distance, evoking the kind of fear you feel when a lion charges you down in the savannah:

Or...maybe it was a panther from Thunderia?

Whatever the case: Albert was a bad ass, but he was also defeated. And as we drove across I-70 to St. Louis we wondered whether or not the sexy babe mudflaps could be replaced by the sexy master librarian, RA Dickey and his brand of mudflaps

When we realized that would never happen, we settled in for the game in Kansas City. But the tuckered out Twins took their stupid pills and started to lose. In an effort to motivate the club our beloved Garden Gnome argued with the ump...and then proved himself to be a creature from fantasy literature by vanishing just as suddenly as he began his argument.

So our hope was nearly lost...until we thought how surprising and distracting it would be to have Brian Buscher start the come back. I mean...you never expect Brian to be in the starting line-up, and you really never expect him to get a hit (let alone a clutch hit). I mean: No one Expects BRIAN BUSCHER!!!

And for good reason...he didn't do anything. And so the Twins lost the last game we saw them play. But they did win all the other games we saw, and 6 out of 9 on this entire road trip...which is very good. Now comes an intimidating home stand, with Detroit, New York and Chicago before the All-Star Break. We will remain faithful...and we hope you will stay tuned to see what the Twins manage to do.

Until tomorrow. Happy Trails.