The Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame

Once again the sounds of horsehide hitting leather mitts is resounding throughout the sunny fields of Arizona and Florida, and if we ever get to turn off our snowblowers we might just hear it up here in the towns teams call home during the summer.

As is our custom every year at this time, we're spending part of spring training remembering those who make the game such fun to watch. So we're holding elections to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame which honors not baseball excellence but generally being amusing. Let the gatekeepers of Cooperstown worry about whose numbers are the best and who's morally pure enough worthy to enshrine, we'll just remember the funny things players did and make a goofy photoshop for them on Opening day.

As we suggested back in October, there's only one way to adequately judge a player: our totally made up and in no way scientific statistic AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Player [scale -10 to 10]). Below are this year's nominees and their AARP. Reminder, to be elected you must have either 75% or the highest vote total in the class, and to be held over to next year's ballot you need at least 5% of the vote--which is usually one vote or more.

You can vote through the poll on our personal website or leave a comment below to give your opinion added weight.

Returning Nominees
Joe Nathan

The Good--Gung ho closer with a penchant for made up rock anthems, facial hair, making farting noises with his mouth while stressed and piracy.
The Bad--Occasionally a little too fond of giving himself a higher degree of difficulty in saves.
AARP: 8.7

Denard Span

The Good--Steadily excellent play in center, quiet consistency at the plate, perfect nickname tie in with Menards.
The Bad--Chilled out attitude made him seem a little more aloof and harder to love than peers
AARP: 3.8

Delmon Young

The Good--Falls into the "So-Bad-It's-Good" genre of fielders...like Sharknado but with a glove. Mediocrity always masked slightly better than mediocre talent.
The Bad--Toolish behavior, general anti-semitism.
AARP: -0.9

Carl Pavano

The Good--Durable, reliable, has a heckuva mustache
The Bad--Not much personality to be noted beyond the mustache.
AARP: 2.7

Jesse Crain

The Good--Patches of impressive pitching, solid goatee and general kindness to the bloggers of this site.
The Bad--Few standout characteristics.
AARP: 2.0

Francisco Liriano

The Good--Flashes of brilliance, other flashes of stupidity, attributed silly amount of success to chewing gum, devastating slider
The Bad--Cranky and surly at times, as unpredictable as your crazy-ex but without any of the attractiveness.
AARP: 2.6

Tsuyoshi Nishioka

The Good--Briefly seemed like proof the Twins were going world wide. Tried really hard. Falls into the "So-bad-it's-still-pretty-bad" genre of fielders...like MegaShark versus Crocasaurus stuck on just the Jaleel White scenes.
The Bad--Created a lot of animosity pitting furious fans against merely exaperated fans
AARP: -0.6

Scott Baker

The Good--Consistent and solid starting pitcher. Once had his protective cup get lost in his pants.
The Bad--Injuries made his recent impact as a source of amusement minimal.
AARP: 2.1

Ben Revere

The Good--Thoroughly exciting and excitable fan favorite who loved to play the game
The Bad--Not around long enough to really make an impact or get a nickname
AARP: 2.3

Alexie Casilla

The Good--Absolutely passionate, strangely clutch, responsible for some of the most exciting moments in team history
The Bad--Generally an unknown in town, too inconsistent to become beloved.
AARP: 1.9

No longer eligible: Kevin Slowey, Luke Hughes, Jason Marquis, Matt Capps, Jason Kubel (resigned)

New Nominees
Justin Morneau
The Good--An MVP, a perennial all-star, a tenacious club-leader (even getting punched by Torii Hunter), goofy canuck, and the possessor of a widely admired backside.
The Bad--He hasn't quite been up to the old Morneau-snuff since a concussion, and despite his widely beloved nature his nicknames (Dr. Neau; Brawny; The Canadian Club) don't quite measure up.
AARP: 3.0

Ryan Doumit
The Good--Consistent refusal to button all his uniform created our nickname  "Ryan Suave", occasional outbursts of power were sincerely appreciated, penchant for eye black
The Bad--Consistently inconsistent. Poor defense and feeble hitting gave him little playing time and less love
AARP: 1.9

Jamey Carroll
The Good--Responsible for an often enjoyable game we played on this site called "Country Superstar" Jamey Carroll--which involved inventing silly psuedo-country songs based on being an aging middle infielder like: "My Defense Looks a lot Better After a Couple Beers".
The Bad--The whole playing thing wasn't his greatest strength....shame that was so important to the game.
AARP: 1.6



Liam Hendricks
The Good--Australian always seemed promising, and offered lots of Australia related jokes
The Bad--Never lived up to promise.
AARP: 0.7

Andrew Albers

The Good--Terrific story of triumph over adversity and dedication, including a scintillating stretch of scoreless innings.
The Bad--Everything after the strong start.
AARP: 0.9

This year, in addition to the recently released and traded players we're also running a veteran's ballot (in honor of the five year anniversary of our first inductee: Bert Aberforth Blyleven (whom we never saw play, but found hilarious anyway).

Veterans on our ballot and their AARP ratings are below.
Early Days
Cesar Tovar
The Good--Aside from the undeniably quirky and amusing playing of every position in one game, "Pepito" actually had a solid career both in the box and on the base paths, helping team to an AL title in 1965 and division titles in '69 and '70. Part of a stellar Centerfield tradition for the Twins.
The Bad--Didn't make much impact in the postseason. Relatively short peak of powers, fading off badly in the early 70s
AARP: 3.3


Mudcat Grant
The Good--Folksy and fun pitcher with a passion for music. Served as a top starter for the 1965 staff. Works to promote the history and future of African-American players in the majors.
The Bad--Three years is a very short run with the Twins.
AARP: 3.8


Glory Years
Dan Gladden
The Good--Tenure with team coincides with both world titles, including championship-winning run in 1991. Forerunner of gritty determined Twins players. AKA "Dazzle". Crotchety but amusing announcer
The Bad--Titles may be timing as much as talent. Hair was a mullet. Crotchety announcing. Grit and pluck are overrated.
AARP: 2.8

Al Newman
The Good--Plucky, scrappy utility infielder. Part of major league record triple-play combinations, later became coach famous for waving players home and butt patting.
The Bad--Again grit and pluck are overrated. Having an 0-31 hitless streak is too often forgotten, many would rather not hear about an association with recent coaching staffs.
AARP: 2.0

Recent Standouts
Corey Koskie
The Good--Excellent defender, solid hitter, founder of a goofy clubhouse-aesthetic, Canadian willingly returns and offers support for the team since retirement. Inspiration for my mother's rhyming game ["Koskie, Koskie, Show Us What you Gots-ki!"]
The Bad--Concussion and frequent injuries ended his career

AARP: 3.7

Doug Mientkiewicz
The Good--Gold medalist, World Series Champion, gold glove winning first baseman, incredibly popular hitter (despite average performance), gladly spoke his mind and inspired most awkward rhyming game [Mientkiewicz, Mientkiewicz...Make me a Sandwhich!]
The Bad--Friend to A-Rod. Awkwardly toolish after helping Red Sox win World Series.
AARP: 3.2

Adopt a Prospect #5: The Twins most critical Weakness

Frequent readers of our Adopt a Prospect series know that we like our prospect, Luis Perdomo. They'll also know that we like his beard even more.

Perdomo's beard continues to inspire greatness wherever it goes (recently becoming the Rochester Red Wings go to guy whether they need 1 out or 9). But Perdomo is still off of our 40 man roster and unlikely to be called up anytime soon. Still, this beard merits recognition as one of the most outstanding chin warmers in our minor league system. Because, as all fans know strange things can create great ballplayers...I mean, if gum chewing can fix Francisco Liriano, it's pretty clear that magical facial hair is a real possibility. So adding Perdomo to our squad could immediately bolster the Twins most glaring weakness: quality facial hair.

That's a clown goatee, Bro.

Consider our current roster. In the major leagues we have nine players who occasionally sport some scruff on the field (excluding Joe Mauer's sideburns which are actually a byproduct of a Head and Shoulders promotion), but few of these offer any added value to the player. Justin Morneau's goatee comes and goes and offers little support when it does. Darrin Mastroianni either offers 5 o'clock shadow or this absurd beard that makes him look more like Narnia's Mr. Tumnus than a ball player. Seriously...we can't take you seriously when you look like this Darrin.


Speaking of 5 o'clock shadow, Mastroianni's not alone in his lacksadasical "I-don't-feel-like-shaving" scruff: Alex Burnett, Francisco Liriano, Trevor Plouffe, Drew Butera and Ryan Doumit all favor a look that resembles extras in a Gilette razor commercial than anybody who planned their appearance. Be advised: magical beards are not born of laziness gentlemen.



The only people (other than the aforementioned, chemically enhanced, Mr. Mauer and his sideburns) who plan their facial hair are Denard Span and Alexi Casilla.
Let's be honest about this, Denard's beard is simply a part of his style: inimitable, and undoubtedly classy. Sure, the fashionistas might complain about the fact that he lets the mustachio elements remain thin while the cheeks and chin get bushy. But you have to acknowledge that his particular flair is not the source of his power. Denard didn't always have the beard, and he could be just as well off without. Moreover, he may well be gone from the team in a few weeks, making the need for quality facial hair even more pressing.

Like sands through the hourglass
So are the hairs of Alexi's goatee

That leaves us with the Second Base Special. And we have to admit that Casilla's hourglass soul patch is a unique style to say the least. You rarely even catch Uptown hipsters sporting it (assuming you can see it behind their micro brew pint glasses). The Casilla goat has a special place in Twins lore, powering an otherwise erratic and feeble second baseman to an unusual number of walk off hits. The mighty scruff's role in powering the 8 hopper into right field to win game 163 winner over the Tigers remains the greatest example of bearded greatness in a Twins uniform since Kirby's stubble offered that extra boost in game 6. But now even that isn't enough to keep Casilla in the line-up on a regular basis.


So we need Luis Perdomo's beard, more now than ever before. Denard's classy style may be gone any day now, Casilla's scrap is no longer effective and Mauer's superpowered sideburns are tiring in lifting up the team. Perdomo's beard is powerful, Perdomo's beard is strong. We need Luis Perdomo's beard and the added velocity it inspires.

Adopt a Prospect #4: Movin' On Up

Wonder of Wonder, Miracle of Miracles! Luis Perdomo's beard (and Luis Perdomo) got promoted to Rochester this week! (Ed. Note: Sorry for the unintentional mash-up of the Jefferson's theme and a Fiddler on the Roof ditty...hmm, I wonder if I could sell that to Glee?)


This is the first time Perdomo's beard has played this high up on the East Coast since he made his major league debut against the New York Mets! (4/15/09). And thought he temptation to celebrate is great, clearly Perdomo's beard won't rest until it attains that lofty perch of being the most feared set of facial follicles in the major leagues.

So he will toil along side other players with former big league experience. No longer will he be the sage old timer in the bullpen, impressing the young whelps with stories of his time in the show (where you hit white balls for batting practice and the women all have long legs and brains) now he'll be part of a staff where the vast majority have played in the bigs (many, recently).

Courtesy Lewis Carroll
and courierpress.com

To be sure, there's still a challenge here, though Luis Perdomo's beard is far more glorious than say...Darrin Mastroianni's Mr. Tumnus style goatee and worthy of the big time, the beard is stubbornly attached to a reliever in an organization that stockpiles them like separatist militias stockpile ammo/canned goods. The man who owns Luis Perdomo's beard (one...Luis Perdomo) is not on the 40 man roster, something that is unlikely to change until a mess of trades, releases and/or bubonic plague deaths make it possible. And, most challenging of all...Luis Perdomo was called up to AAA only after 7 Rochester pitchers hit the disabled list. If any one of those pitchers comes back, it might be a very short stay indeed for Perdomo and his beard.

But let's not spoil this with cynicism or "facts", the truth is that Luis Perdomo's beard is one step closer to making it back to the major leagues. After battling, fighting and holding fast to that fervent dream of a return to glory, he's moved closer this week. And no matter how long the odds or how questionable the circumstances are, it's great to see a great bit of facial hair (and a dedicated player) keep living their dream.

Adopt a Prospect #2: Dreams of Glory

It's been a couple of weeks since we last checked in on Luis Perdomo, and while the recent road trip has been kind to the Twins (winning four in a row for the first time since mid-June 2011) it has been a little tougher on the bullpen with favorites like Jared Burton suddenly giving up runs. So, is there a chance that Luis might get a call to the bigs?

No. No, there is not.

Even if, the bullpen suddenly developed a bad case of leprosy and had their arms fall off in the middle of a long toss session, there are plenty of other options that would get the call before Luis Perdomo who got only 4 calls to the mound in the past two weeks--including one big fat stinker of an outing against Reading. And while plenty of other relievers have gotten calls to Rochester and/or the majors, Luis Perdomo is unlikely to be headed to the big time. But Luis Perdomo's beard...well..maybe...

You see as John Bonnes noted on my previous entry over at Twins Daily, Perdomo's chinstrap is positively Lincoln-esque. So Lincoln-esque in fact that it almost made a career change. You see after the beard (and Perdomo) were sent back down to AAA after a slow start in 2010, they nearly gave up baseball because it seemed ideal for the title role in Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Yes, so potent is Perdomo's beard that it could have been walking the red carpet this summer instead of riding the bus from New Britain to New Hampshire. So powerful and magnetic is the beard that a horde of Hollywood starlets were lining up to be its leading lady.

Sadly, the beard had not yet obtained the sentience necessary to remove itself from Perdomo's chin and make a go of it solo. And, sadly, American movie goers weren't ready for a Dominican Lincoln. So it was off to the Minors for Perdomo and the beard, but perhaps there will be some opportunities to do some Vampire, or even, Yankpire hunting in the beards future.

That's the beautiful thing about the minors, no matter where you've been or where you are, there's always that dream of glory for where you might go. So while it's home for Binghamton and then off to Portland, great days and dreams of glory are still ahead.

Adopt a Prospect #1: Meet Luis Perdomo's Beard (and Luis Perdomo)

Earlier this month, we Peanuts accepted the plea from our benevolent overlords at Twins Daily to adopt a prospect. This means that on a bi-weekly basis we'll update the rest of the blogosphere on the doings of one particular player until he graduates to the big club, or floats away into prospect purgatory.

While our fellow bloggers leapt at the chance to explore the victories and challenges of potential superstars, we picked ours based on this photo (used by our pal Betsy on her blog)

Photo courtesy Minnesota Twins

We Peanuts are an irrational sort, we like who we like just because it seems like the thing to do in the moment. And in the moment, that beard caught our eye and made us convinced that it had a place on the major league roster.

A thing of beauty and a joy to behold. A powerful symbol of truth, justice and scruffiness. This was no mere chin warmer, this was a no-holds-barred, Rutherford-B.-Hayes-taunting, Hemingway-prose-poem-inspiring, BEARD OF DOOM!

Now we just needed to know more about the pitcher attached to it, and so we adopted Luis Perdomo (and especially his beard), and now he is our very own prized prospect.

Luis was born April 27, 1984, in San Cristobal of the Dominican Republic. Though Perdomo is now 28 his beard is slightly younger and has higher upside, having sprouted to hirsiute glory after puberty.

Luis is a right-handed relief pitcher; meanwhile the beard is a beard and while it hasn't grown any hands yet, though we do suspect it might conceal a roundhouse kick (a la Chuck Norris).

After two partial years with Padres, Luis signed a minor league contract with the Twins last fall and came to spring training in hopes of being slightly less terrible than other prospects. He was not. So, he  ended up assigned to AA New Britain. To some this might seem like a career heading the wrong way...to we Peanuts it's simply more time for the beard to develop into a fully-fledged force of fury.

To be fair, the time in AA might also be a means of helping Perdomo overcome the stigma of being the garbage man during his time with the Padres (as RJ Henderson points out in this vintage FanGraphs piece from 2009), gaining more importance and relevance to the Rock Cats season could help Perdomo become a future Alex Burnett, and could build his beards' confidence as it confronts the steely gaze of clean-shaven Yankees.

Though his season started out with a hodgepodge of performances ranging from good (2 shutout innings with 4 Ks in his debut against Richmond) to nasty (giving up 2 runs and taking the loss without recording an out at Portland), Perdomo has pulled together a solid recent resume, running up a 9 and 2/3s scoreless inning streak over his last 6 appearances--including 2 shutout innings on his birthday, and 2 more last night! He's easily in the top half of Eastern League pitchers in terms of Walk-to-Strikeout Ratio and K's/9 innings and while that might well be expected of a 28 year old pitching to 24 year-olds, Perdomo's GORP (Grizzle over Replacement Player) remains remarkable at any level.

Sure, Luis Perdomo might not be in the Twins long-term plans, but let's be frank about this: in assembling a bullpen Terry Ryan has worked the waiver wire, honed in on the Rule 5 Draft, spun trade-upon-trade and scavenged for diamonds in the Free Agent rough. The only thing he hasn't done is  gone all Frankenstein on us and assembled a monstrous creature meant to dominate the opposition. If this mad science experiment is Ryan's master plan (and in the spirit of totally erroneous conjecture, let's say that it is) then Luis Perdomo's beard may well serve as a fire baller's inspiration, a batter's nightmare, and a hipster accessory worthy of a return to the big time.

We'll check in on Luis Perdomo (and his facial hair) again in two weeks, until then: good night and great beard!

Gains from Trade

As we learned in Economics 101, both parties in a trade should feel as if they are gaining something. This has almost nothing to do with what I'm about to write but I figured I should at least try to establish some credibility before writing something totally ridiculous, so I threw some economics terms around to make myself sound smart.

After tonight's game, we can't help but wonder - when will Dread Pirate Nathan finally get sick of this, yell "ARRRR!" and swashbuckle Capps down into the briny sea with the Kraken?

After one tweeter posted something along the lines of "The Twins should trade Matt Capps for a handful of those Subway 50-cents off a 6 inch sub coupons," we wondered what else would be a fair trade for our ninth-inning-disaster-maker.

TOP 10 THINGS WE SHOULD TADE MATT CAPS FOR

1) A rock - rocks are useful as doorstops and paperweights, and they don't generally blow saves.

2) One Peanut M&M - Peanut M&M's are amazing - one might actually be too much.

3) Michelle Bachman - it would get her out of politics, and she probably has a secret 95mph fastball.

4) A Minty Toothpick from Rudolph's BBQ - those are some good toothpicks

5) Shah-Ruk Kahn - A trade for the gloried Bollywood star would definitely be weighted heavily in our favor, but Shah-Ruk could really help the team with his impeccable hair, sexy dance moves and boyish vulnerability. Win!

6) Some pocket lint

7) The chance to punch the Klondike Bar ad executive in the face

8) A Backstreet Boys CD - I've been having a hankering to listen to "I Want it That Way" but my copy is missing.

9) Magic Beans - hopefully the previous owners would not recognize their magic properties, and we would get the chance to climb a beanstalk and steal some golden shin guards from Joe Mauer.

10) Pavano's Moustache - we want it back

... in all seriousness though, I have to give props to Gardy for sticking up for his players. Even though I don't always agree with him, I do always respect him.

New Years Resolutions

After a delightful holiday break, we loyal Peanuts are back in business for your 2011 in Twinnesota.

There's all kinds of big things coming up in the year ahead, heck, in the next week alone, Carl Pavano will probably pick where to pitch, Bert Blyleven will find out if he gets a Hall of Fame plaque, and Bill Smith will see if he can return ugly sweaters after a couple of weeks. But while each of those events will merit big news coverage, we should also bear in mind the personal stories that distinguish just what makes our team so special.

Of course, every team wants to win a World Series, but what are the personal goals of our favorite athletes? Since we can't ask them ourselves, let's just make up what their New Year Resolutions could be!

Joe Mauer: Drop debut rap album Catcher in the Raw in time for the 2011 holiday season.

Jose Mijares: Find whoever keeps posting pictures of me as a princess and beat them up.

Denard Span: Go rest of life without hitting mother with a foul ball.

Carl Pavano: Keep the facial hair comeback alive by adding mutton chops.

Justin Morneau:Learn how to play first base inside a protective bubble to avoid future injuries.

Matt Capps: Pitch well enough to avoid the nickname "Fat Capps".

Delmon Young: Popularize the nickname "Fat Capps"

Brian Duensing: Convince bouncers in Minneapolis that I am actually old enough to get in to local night clubs.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka: Figure out how to play baseball in a very cold American city (wearing this blanket as a uniform might be a good start)

Scott Baker: Grow facial hair that doesn't get mocked endlessly.

Michael Cuddyer: Perfect the "Vanishing Yankee" illusion.

Ron Gardenhire: Learn how to use the twitter, so I can critique how other people do their jobs...that's the point of the thing...right?