Let's Make a Deal! (Round 2)

Welcome back to everybody's favorite form of roster-modification: LET'S MAKE A DEAL! That's right, I pretend to be Wayne Brady, you pretend to be Terry Ryan dressed up like a giant Radish! (Also, you pick a trading partner for an expendable player on the Twins roster)

First, let's reveal what we came away with last week as we made a deal for Denard Span. Between the three comments on Twins Daily, the one comment here and the poll votes it winds up with 6 votes to keep Denard and 4 to trade him (with Ryan Doumit for door #3).

So fans chose not to make a trade this first time around so let's see what they passed up:

• Behind Door #1 there was a package originally swapped for the immortal Johnny Grubb...[cricket noises]...Grubb was another slash hitting outfielder with manageable salary who was traded from Cleveland to Texas for Bobby [not Mike] Cuellar and Mike Rivera, neither Cuellar nor Rivera ever made the majors for Cleveland. Zero votes...SMART FANS!
• Moving on to Door #2 we have cash and a prospect named Cutter Dykstra!! (The touted Dykstra went from Milwaukee to Washington for Nyjer Morgan...and is currently rediscovering his form in Low A ball). Zero votes...SMART FANS!! 
• Finally, behind Door #3 we have solid though unspectacular backups Koyie Hill and Bill Murphy (as well as career minor leaguer Reggie Abercrombie) who were previously traded to Arizona for the pale Denard, Steve Finley, and the weaker Doumit Brent Mayne. Four Votes...manageable, and hey, Koyie Hill will always trump Drew Butera.

So Twins fans made a savvy move holding on to Denard without a great deal in the offing. But before we all get gun shy  I will tell you this: not one but TWO future all-stars are available in the next round of deals to be offered, so keep your eyes peeled as we try to make a deal for everybody's favorite implosion waiting to happen closer Matt Capps! SO LET'S MAKE A DEAL!!

Okay Terry Potters (get it?) we'll pretend for a minute that (1) Matt Capps isn't hurt when the deadline rolls around and (2) that GMs are more focused on how he has done generally--right around average--rather than any specific catastrophes mishaps of the past year or so. So once again you can keep Matt Capps OR trade him away for what's behind Door #1, Door #2 or Door #3!! (In accordance with the suggestions from readers I'll include ages as well (years old in parentheses)

Door #1 costs a little more than Matt Capps, yes we'd ask you to include Jeff Gray as well, but in return for those two somewhat inconsequential players you can get a young power starter (21) in A ball with a 1.2 WHIP and a K/BB ratio above 3 as well as a starter (21) who has yo-yo'd between the majors and AAA, and despite a less impressive 2.0 WHIP at AAA this year came into this season ranked as a Top 30 Prospect by Baseball America.

Doors #2 & 3 ask for just Matt Capps, and for #2 we have a bonanza of three players, starting with an outfielder (21) with .810 OPS last year in A Ball--steady power numbers between low and High A, a slugging first baseman (21) who came into the season ranked in the Top 35 prospects by Baseball America after a solid AA season, and a starter (24) who ate up AA last year (1.18 WHIP, and 2.0 K/BB Ratio (though it hasn't been as easy there this year) he has started going deeper into games.

Finally, behind Door #3 you might find a budding relief prospect (21)--29 Saves and 2.92 K/BB--a starter (25) who has started rising to the challenge in AAA after struggling as a reliever in AA and a promising starter (21) in AA ranked as a top #50 prospect by BA who has cut back on his walks and wild pitches this year.

So what will it be would-be GMs? Would you like to keep Matt Capps or swap him out for what's behind Door #1, Door #2 or Door #3!?!? (There's a poll on the right side of our website, and always room for more comments below. Make your voice heard by Midnight Sunday. We'll wrap up the results next week and consider what might be netted in a trade for a cornerstone in the Twins infield.)

Grade Check!

Yes, we peanuts are still alive and kicking, but it has not been easy keeping up with our beloved Twins. You see, Stinky has this thing called "work" which makes her do many, many important things, but very few of them are baseball related. Where as I, Scruffy, have this thing called "teaching" which will eventually lead to a wonderful summer full of partial planning and lots of baseball watching, but which (right now) requires me to be working from 7 AM most mornings till 9 PM most nights, plus plenty of hours on the weekend to boot (also--I decided that coaching Track was a good idea...not sure why, but I did).

So, as we try to get back into the blogging swing of things we're proud to present a little grade check (thereby blending both baseball and my job...clearly, I need a social life). Yes, hard as it is to believe the season is almost 1/6th of the way gone. So without further ado, here's the check in

Honor Roll

Most Likely to Succeed (Credit: CBS)

A+ Josh Willingham--"The Hammer" is like that kid who moves into your school district over the summer and suddenly is the coolest, most happening guy ever. Girls want to date him, guys want to be like him, dogs want to sniff his crotch...basically James Bond with a bat. (Random stats: if the Twins were just 9 Josh Willingham clones their winning percentage would be .879 and the likelihood that the clones would overrun the city and take over the world would be .798!)

A Joe Mauer, Denard Span--Here's a shock, Joe Mauer is quietly (almost boringly--shocker) hitting well, fielding well and offering stock answers to questions (Quoth the Chairman: "I feel pretty good but um...we gotta get more runs across and ahhh...you know...get back to ahh...winning ball games"). Meanwhile Denard Span has been equally stellar anchoring a tumultuous outfield and offering a great season at the top of the lineup (Random stats: say what you will about cavernous Target Field, Denard Span has managed to hit above the league average for Batting Average, On Base Percentage AND slugging percentage--thank you gaps!; meanwhile Joe Mauer continues to lead the league in soft, manageable hair--thank you Head and Shoulders!)

B Justin Morneau-- "Shows great signs of improvement" that's the key phrase on Dr. Neau's report card. Where once there was only doubt and concern, now there is doubt and concerned mixed with verifiable accounts of lingering awesomeness. PLUS, the sight of him by first base makes Stinky all twitterpated again. (Random stats: 53% of all Morneau's hits are extra base hits; Unfortunately he is one of several millions of Canadians diagnosed with "Canuckitis" aka--how are there teams from Phoenix, LA and Nashville still playing hockey while we've got bupkus?)

Under the Radar with Potential

B- The Bullpen--Sure Carl Pavano's pitching well, but this recognition needs to go to a group of pitchers we were frankly worried about who have, surprisingly, not totally sucked! Yes, of the Twins 16 losses only 4 fall on the heads of the Bullpen, we've seen fine performances from stalwart Glen Perkins, ex-rotation-also-rans Brian Duensing, Anthony Swarzak and Alex Burnett and newcomer/"who-the-hell-is-that?" candidates Jeff Gray, Jared Burton and Matt Maloney. So shine on Twins bullpen, you might be beneficial in a year or two! (Random Stats: Perkins, Duensing and Burton have helped batters get themselves out with swinging strike percentages of 19% or higher--6% of the league average; also the bullpen has managed to knit four Afghans, three camisoles and one lamb-theme onesie while waiting for their chance to come in with a lead)

This child's adorableness made possible by bullpen free-time
(Stealing a pattern from the Knitting Queen)

C+ Jamey Carroll--Besides inspiring perhaps my favorite new nickname "Country Strong" Jamey Carroll, our new Shortstop has been a solid contributor in the field and in the batters box. He won't earn many highlight reel mentions or gushing fan praise, but he does his job, he does it well, and he has earned our respect (Random stats: He doesn't have many hits, but 60% of the hits he does have have been stretched for an extra base; he has successfully avoided 99 consecutive calls from Garth Brooks' alter ego "Chris Gaines")

Under the Radar with Some Concerns

C- Right Fielder "TBA"--This little slot in the line up seems to give our team fits. Over 23 games, the Twins have rotated through 5 players (Plouffe, Thomas, Doumit, Revere and Parmlee) and while a positional carousel isn't necessarily a bad thing, it does have the potential to drive one crazy: what with the ups and downs, the general nauseous feeling and the maddening sound of incessant Wurlitzer music. (Random stats: your AL average Right Fielder holds runners to their base 45% of the time, your average Twins Right Fielder holds runners to their bases 27% of the time; The Bluth foundation has, to date, raised almost $50,000 to fight TBA and give us an honest to goodness player out there...)

D Matt Capps--As sure as the sun rises in the East, as sure as there will always be an England, Matt Capps will be around to drive us NUTS. At a certain point you feel bad for him, I mean how would you feel walking into your job, with 30,000 people fairly certain that you are going to fail? But then again, if you don't fail, then people won't feel that way! (Random stat: Matt Capps has thrown a strike in an 0-2 count only 40% of the time this season...I know it's a small sample, but no other Twin has that bad a rate)

We feel the same way...

DANGER ZONE

F Francisco Liriano--If I were teaching Francisco Liriano I would be calling home at least once a week, begging parents to come in for an intervention. I'd be begging administrators and colleagues and even other students for some idea about what in the heck to do for him. And I'd probably be just as dumbstruck as the Twins coaching staff is now. The deal was if the Twins got good performances from Mauer, Morneau and Liriano they might be sniffing contention...two out of three isn't bad, but it's not nearly good enough when Frankie has gone from "Lira-no-no" to "F-Bomb". Seriously please direct all advice on how to help this man to the Twins front office before they start placing want ads for exorcists. (Random stat: 98% of all bloggers analyzing Francisco Lirano's stats have no idea where to begin)

Any grades you feel like handing out? Leave them in the column below and vote for the grade you give the Twins season so far at the right.

A Fistful of Transactions: The 2011 Winter Meeting Recap Post

Time for one of our many December traditions here at PFH: a recap* of all that went down in the Twins-o-verse during the recent Winter Meetings.

*Note: for our purposes "recap" means wild dramatization of events based on hearsay, conjecture and good ol' fashioned irresponsible journalism (see previous years examples here, here and here)

Here's our report.

MONDAY
10:03 AM Terry Ryan arrives at his first Winter Meetings in almost five years to discover that all the other GMs have gotten super cliquey, moved into separate cabins and won't let Ryan eat lunch or join bracelet weaving anymore.

1:21 PM After a few hours of aimlessly wandering the corridors of the Hilton Anatole, wondering if he's made a huge mistake coming back to GM land, Ryan grabs infielder Pedro Florimon and a $16 box of jellybeans from Batimore's minibar. He feels much better about himself.

Welcome back Minnesota Capps

4:42 PM Negotiations to bring closer Matt Capps back to the Twin Cities nearly break down when, in a sweltering hotel room, Ryan asks an aide to "turn on the fans" and the aide turns on a twitter feed of bloggers and ticket holders berating Capps. Leading to an awkward silence

7:35 PM The awkward silence ends when Capps says, "meh, they'd probably say that anywhere. You've got a deal!"

7:36 PM The Capps news hits the internet and the entire state of Minnesota hits its collective head on its computer screens



TUESDAY
8:18 AM After reading the various hyperbolic reactions of those in the Twins bloggery/fan community, Ryan faces reporters. Instead of answering questions, he simply stares sternly and with a measure of disappointment until everyone hangs their head in shame and promises to try being nicer to Matt Capps.

Ham AND Tomatoes?!?

10:47-11:35 AM Ryan intiates a long brunch bartering session with executives from Denver, nearly getting a trade of Kevin Slowey in exchange for exclusive rights to the Denver Omelette. Sadly, Rockies staff members realize that the Denver Omelette is worth far more than Kevin Slowey but do agree to the trade in exchange for a player to be named later and an extra serving of cantaloupe.

3:19 PM Feeling like he's on a roll, Ryan decides to take a run at signing Michael Cuddyer, offering him a three-year deal of for $24 million dollars per year and full amnesty from diaper duty for his new twin daughters.

8:02 PM With most of the major goals of the winter meetings accomplished, Twins front office people begin suggesting TV shows to replace Lost in their annual all-night DVD marathons (a tradition instituted by Bill Smith). Though Terry Ryan is initially hesitant, the vast repository of options on Netflix Instant Queue leaves him staring goggly-eyed through three seasons of Friday Night Lights.

WEDNESDAY
9:51 AM Believing Friday Night Lights to be based on a true story (like the movie and book of the same name) Ryan begins driving to College Station to recruit Brian "Smash" Williams to consider signing with the Twins minor league system as an athletic reserve outfielder in the Ben Revere mold (only with a better arm).

2:36 PM Ryan sadly realizes that Williams is a fictional character...but that Blue Baker sandwiches, pizza and cookies are AMAZING.

6:19 PM In a last ditch attempt to sway Mark Buehrle away from signing with the Miami Marlins, the Twins front office sends a glossy recruitment package to Buerhle advertising the tonnage of fried food available at the state fair, the prominent bike paths, lack of serial killers and nearly 85 days of livable weather.

11:22 PM Buehrle informs the Twins that he is passing.


THURSDAY

Stupid Economist...

7:50 AM Stinging from Buehrle's rejection, Ryan puts together an incredibly complex offer to get Albert Pujols & CJ Wilson involving default credit swaps, bundled home mortgages, averaging out to 22 Million Euros per year.

9:29 AM Before signing this deal, Pujols and Wilson see a recent cover of The Economist (pictured Right) and instead go to Los Angeles, because nobody's dreams of stardom and success ever fail in Los Angeles.

10:18 AM Having learned a valuable lesson from the foolishness of pursuing overpriced free agents with silly promises, Terry Ryan goes back to what he knows best: drafts Terry Doyle from the White Sox in the Rule V draft, agrees to take Daniel Turpen as the player to be named later from Colorado, and grabs a new batting helmet to hold all his cantaloupe.

12:22 PM With his mouth full of cantaloupe, Ryan describes the winter meetings as "productive."

Everything's Bigger in Texas

Especially the bargains!!

Yes, it's time for our annual Winter Meeting's preview post, in which we highlight what we expect to see happen during the annual three day rumor-a-thon in one of the nation's finest Hilton Hotels. For this first time we're going to see blog about the way business is done under Terry Ryan rather than would-be-Rico--Suave Pick-Up Artist/GM Bill Smith.

Thus far, the current offseason has confirmed my old sense that Terry Ryan shops for major league talent in much the same way that my grandmother shops for furniture at IKEA. See, our peanuty grandma has two golden rules when it comes to shopping: first, it has to be practical, and second it has to be "terribly on sale" to justify the expense (no matter how small). So, naturally grandma loves IKEA, get in, go directly to the section you need, pick the best option at the best price and get out; no dithering over the upholstery, no hemming and hawing over which would fit best: get the one you need, get it cheap, get out.

C'mon Target Field, make this happen

Terry Ryan operates the same way. Sure you really need that short stop to tie the middle infield together, but don't go ogling the ruby-encrusted ottoman that is Jose Reyes, Jamey Carroll will do just fine, thank you very much! The Yankees might dither over whether to get a mahogany or Brazilian teak back-up backstop; the Twins get a Doumit and have enough change left over to treat the whole family to Swedish meatballs.

Terry's very disappointed
that you've been so mean to
Matt Capps

So expect much the same this week as the front office heads to Dallas for the Winter Meetings. Other teams will be debating just how fancy to get in their wheelings and dealings, and Terry Ryan will keep on doing what he does best: staying practical and finding deals. So with that in mind, and in the spirit of the Lone Star State's lone star, here's our 5 point prediction for Uncle Terry's Bargain Hunting in Big D.

#1---Sign Matt Capps to be closer for 1 year for $1.5 million and 2 body guards
Bill Smith fell victim to last year's big fad in bullpen decorating: hard-throwing, somewhat-erratic, right handers. Terry Ryan does not like fads and without the time to snooker the San Francisco Giants into giving us another Joe Nathan, so Uncle Terry says: "we'll make do with the budget option and public opinion be damned; you fans were raised better than that...shape up or ship out."

#2--Have Tony Oliva bring Yoenis Cespedes a sandwich
Cespedes is the real deal, a five-tool outfield star who figures to command major dollars just as soon as baseball finds a way to make him legally employable. There hasn't been a Hall of Fame calibre Cuban  since Tony O and there hasn't been a Cuban MVP since Zoilo Versailles, we've got some history here. Sure Cespedes could rely on his natural talent and a big budget team around him to make him great...but if he comes to Minnesota there will be sandwiches, and of course...Tony O. (Sure it won't work, but it's a low cost, high reward way of trying to make something happen.)

#3--Try to Trade Kevin Slowey
We like Kevin Slowey, he's a gentleman and a scholar, he's funny enough to appear on the Onion, we were even trying to popularize nicknames like "SloSlo" or "Killthrow" or "KZone". But the writing's been on the wall for months now. He's also not going to be rejoining the rotation any time soon and doesn't want to go to the bullpen, so unless he starts playing third base like a champion, his days in the blue and red are numbered. The sad part is, he doesn't have much trade value, so at best he could be the "Brendan Harris" of this year's "what-the-hell-give-us-some-prospects-and-we're happy" trade. Fortunately Terry Ryan's track record with tose kinds of trades is pretty good, so fingers crossed!

Bob Dylan's all over this thing Cuddy 

#4--Send Michael Cuddyer a Mix-Tape
All our favorite jams can be on it! Like Green Day's "Time of Your Life" and one of Joe Mauer's rap tracks. We could include personal appeals from local-inspired artists like Doomtree and the Hold Steady. Then he'll realize that he's always really loved us and stop listening to the Red Sox nattering about "Sweet Caroline", and sign a three-year deal for a local discount and the promise that he can replace Bert Blyleven after he retires.


#5--Twiddle your thumbs
Every year we get riled up about the big moves coming during the winter meetings, and every year very little actually happens. This year will likely be no different. Sure some big name free agents might sign with other teams, but the Twins news will likely be confined to one of those four story lines. But rest assured, Uncle Terry's still looking for a deal, patience is a virtue friends...trust the man, just like I trust my grandma.

Gains from Trade

As we learned in Economics 101, both parties in a trade should feel as if they are gaining something. This has almost nothing to do with what I'm about to write but I figured I should at least try to establish some credibility before writing something totally ridiculous, so I threw some economics terms around to make myself sound smart.

After tonight's game, we can't help but wonder - when will Dread Pirate Nathan finally get sick of this, yell "ARRRR!" and swashbuckle Capps down into the briny sea with the Kraken?

After one tweeter posted something along the lines of "The Twins should trade Matt Capps for a handful of those Subway 50-cents off a 6 inch sub coupons," we wondered what else would be a fair trade for our ninth-inning-disaster-maker.

TOP 10 THINGS WE SHOULD TADE MATT CAPS FOR

1) A rock - rocks are useful as doorstops and paperweights, and they don't generally blow saves.

2) One Peanut M&M - Peanut M&M's are amazing - one might actually be too much.

3) Michelle Bachman - it would get her out of politics, and she probably has a secret 95mph fastball.

4) A Minty Toothpick from Rudolph's BBQ - those are some good toothpicks

5) Shah-Ruk Kahn - A trade for the gloried Bollywood star would definitely be weighted heavily in our favor, but Shah-Ruk could really help the team with his impeccable hair, sexy dance moves and boyish vulnerability. Win!

6) Some pocket lint

7) The chance to punch the Klondike Bar ad executive in the face

8) A Backstreet Boys CD - I've been having a hankering to listen to "I Want it That Way" but my copy is missing.

9) Magic Beans - hopefully the previous owners would not recognize their magic properties, and we would get the chance to climb a beanstalk and steal some golden shin guards from Joe Mauer.

10) Pavano's Moustache - we want it back

... in all seriousness though, I have to give props to Gardy for sticking up for his players. Even though I don't always agree with him, I do always respect him.

Meet Minnesota Capps

Twice in one day! (I couldn't resist)

Here's a special little photoshop based on the votes in a recent poll for a new Matt Capps nickname. Congrats Matty boy you will henceforth be known as Minnesota Capps and we will, frequently use this image to depict your greatness.

We like to picture Capps like this. Spending 8 innings hustling the rubes on the road, mocking Paul Newman and his namby-pamby salad dressings, then turning up cool as ice to seal the deal and get a Twins win.

Congrats Matt Capps, you've officially been welcomed to the Peanut fold.