The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat That Matters (Pt. 1: The Stat)

This is the first in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduce the stat, then we use it to analyze hitters, then we use it to analyze pitchers.

There's plenty of time to dissect the Twins' season, and there are plenty of people to do it. Rather than crunch the numbers or analyze the trends, I prefer to dissect it in the best way I know how: poorly!

It's in that spirit that I offer the following new statistic: AARP or Amusement Above Replacement Player. [I am well aware that AARP is also the name of the American Association of Retired People, which gives AARP a 8.43 AARS (that's Amusement Above Replacement Statistic) score.]

Copyright/schmopyright.

Why invent such a meaningless statistic you ask? Why not? I answer.

Statistics are not fixed or holy things, they get to be whatever we want them to be. While much of baseball is designed to be measured and quantified (from the 90 feet between the bases, to every degree of drop on a curve), much of it has yet be measured or quantified (from how important it is to have "good guys" in the clubhouse to how willingly we as fans will watch bad baseball because the way a hitter waggles his bat makes us giggle). And since no one else was doing it, I figured I might as well.

Assigning a number to something like "amusing antics" may seem unnecessary or even stupid. Of course it's stupid. So is measuring the degree of drop on every pitchers curveball. This is America, and this is the internet. If you're looking for necessary and intelligent things, you've clearly come to the wrong place.

So, what is AARP and how do we measure it?

As I envision it (and since I'm making it up, that's all that matters), AARP measures a player's contributions, on the field and off, to provide amusement and enjoyment to fans. Certainly a player's actual performance has an effect on that: hit a homer, boost your AARP, come into a tie game and give up five straight hits, your AARP takes a hit.

We like successful players, but we also like players just because they are themselves. So the statistic also considers things like: a player's ability to earn and maintain a nickname (and no, adding -y/-ie to the end of a name doesn't make it a nickname--sorry fans of "Frankie" Liriano); their notable physical and personality traits (thereby giving credit to the short, the squat, the bearded and the crazy); their general attitude and demeanor (the more personable and interesting and less robotic the better); and miscellaneous oddities (i.e. Delmon saying his favorite book is The Great Gatsby or Eduardo Escobar's at bat music being a song from Grease).

Like WAR (Wins Above Replacement) or VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), AARP can have a positive or a negative score. Each category has a range of -2 to +2 and totals up to give their overall AARP. A positive score reflects a player who makes the game enjoyable to watch (however mildly), zero reflects someone whose existence you forget about between games, and a negative one reflects a player who leaves you so bored, depressed or upset that anything (even Kardashians, Ginsu knife infomercials, and "Channel Not Available" notifications) seems to be a more valuable source of entertainment.

How would the stat work? Consider these examples

Eric Fryer: The Forgettable type (-.5 to .5)

Play: Below average at an inconsequential time -0.1

Nickname: None -0.2

Traits: None noticed 0.0

Demeanor: None noticed 0.0

Oddities: None 0.0

AARP: -0.3

Jason Bartlett: An everyday major leaguer (.5-2.0)

Play: Adequate (slightly better once he left the team) 0.7

Nickname: None -0.2

Traits: Little scruffy goatee 0.2

Demeanor: Calm 0.2

Oddities: Name might remind you of The West Wing or a book of quotations. 0.4

AARP: 1.3

Ben Revere: A local favorite (2.1-5.0)

Play: Great in the field, great base runner, terrible at hitting 0.8

Nickname: None (Save for maybe Midnight Rider) 0.0

Traits: Big smile, giddy laugh 0.7

Demeanor: Happy and excited 0.4

Oddities: Superman style leaps after balls, summersaulting triples 0.4

AARP: 2.3

Michael Cuddyer: a nationally notable player (5.1-8.0) 

Play: Impressive arm, above average bat. 1.7

Nickname: "Cuddles" "Magic Man" 1.8

Traits: Big dimples, fondness for magic 2.0

Demeanor: Personable, engaging, happy to talk with fans 1.3

Oddities: Not many--typical dude. 0.0

AARP: 6.8

Carlos Gomez: A player who captivates casual and serious fans alike  (8.1-10)

Play: Phenomenal defense (recently, good offense) 1.5

Nickname: "Gogo" "Mojo Gogo" "Go, go, Gomez" "Rin-go!" 1.8

Traits: Hyperactivity, silliness, goofiness, sporadic bouts of petulance, funny little beard 1.9

Demeanor: Happy, excitable, willing to talk about anything even if you don't understand him 1.7

Oddities: Smelling bats, raptor yells in dug out 2.0

AARP: 8.9

Alex Rodriguez: A player who irritates casual and serious fans alike (< -.5)

Play: Very good at the plate, above average in the field 1.9

Nickname: A-Rod, A-Hole .2

Traits: Really toolish, egotistical, self-obsessed, obnoxiously pretty -2.0

Demeanor: Egotistical, better than thou, convinced of massive conspiracy against him -2.0

Oddities: Supposedly has a portrait of himself as a centaur, has movie star girlfriends feed him popcorn -2.0

AARP: -3.7

Sure there's room to debate the accuracy of these scores, especially since what is amusing to me may not be amusing to you. After all, if a statistic is subjective, is it really a statistic anymore?

Then again, this is a totally made up statistic that doesn't actually exist beyond the confines of this weird little corner of cyber space, so maybe we shouldn't spend too much time worrying about that, and just use this as a mildly amusing way to pass the offseason.

In that spirit I'll use AARP to analyze how the Twins did in 2013, staring with a few notable hitters, then moving on to the pitchers and front office staff. And while the management seems generally disinclined to consider statistics in their evaluations of talent, maybe a made up statistic will have more credence with them and we'll build for a future when the Twins are both talented and fun!

Opening Day Prediction Time!

It's Opening Day (for the third day in a row!) and as we Peanuts settle in for the first game of the season (after a lunch date over Tibetan food) we thought we should offer a few last tidbits to savor before the game begins.

First, congratulations to the newest member of the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame. We're proud to induct those players who make it fun to watch a Twins game, they don't always need to be the best players, just the ones who help us enjoy it. This year a crowded field led to just one honoree: Michael Cuddyer.

Congratulations Cuddy, and those who voted, please know that other near winners (Thome & Nathan) and not so near winners (Young, Slowey, Kubel and Crain) will be back on the ballot next year along with any other Twins who depart this season.

But now is not the time to fixate on those who are no longer here, now is the time to think about the long season ahead. Clearly, since this is a Twins blog, we are biased. So for impartial analysis we turned to our newest analysts: Sid and Minnie...our pets.

So after much asking and much more flopping on couches here's how the pets see the 2011 MLB race.

AL--as called by Sidney the Dog

Also Rans: Yankees, Orioles, Royals, Mariners, A's, Angels (whenever these teams were mentioned Sid either stared dully out into space or sprawled out trying to sleep...not a good sign)

Juuuust a bit outside: Twins, Blue Jays (He appeared vaguely interested, but that might have been because food was near by)

Playoff Teams: Red Sox, Rays, Indians, Tigers and Rangers (I assumed licking his chops was a sign of excitement, rather than the fact that even he could play better than every Cleveland Indian)

Winner: Tampa Bay Rays--3 WHOLE LICKS!! Congrats, Joe Maddon, you've got the backing of our little mutt.

NL--as called by Minnie the Cat

Also Rans: Mets, Braves Cardinals, Reds, Astros, Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Padres (in each case she was looking down at the ground...just like she does before she vomits up a hairball)

Juuuust a bit outside: Marlins, Nationals, Cubs (she put her head just to one side, as if considering it, then....nah!)

Playoff Teams: Phillies, Brewers, Pirates, Giants, Rockies (Her eyes were up in that hopeful "I'd like more food please!" look cats sometimes get)

Winner: It's hard to know for sure (I skipped all my "Cat Body Language" Courses in college) I'm going to guess that her adoring demeanor after I mentioned the San Francisco Giants makes them her pick to win it all (though the Pirates should savor the fact that she gave you an ear wag).

So our pets predict a Tampa Bay V.s. San Francisco World Series. But at the end of the day, we can all agree that the ultimate winner is adorableness!

Enjoy opening day!

Closing Arguments

In case you haven't noticed; there is a poll available at the right side of this screen that invites you to vote for the next members of the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame.

This is not a Hall of Fame for the greatest Twins players in history--just as this is not the greatest blog in Twins history--instead this Hall of Fame aspires to be what we aspire to be: a place for the fun, the quirky and the things that make you laugh and smile while watching a game. Our first inductee was the master of farts Bert Blyleven, then hyperactive center-fielder/puppy personified Carlos Gomez, then the dictionary definition of scrappiness Nick Punto.

Today we have nine nominees vying for election...it takes 75% to get elected (or at least the top vote getter) and 10% to stay on the ballot for next year. And since the most entertaining thing that has been on this winter (other than Downton Abbey, obviously)  has been the spirited exchange of ideas/interminable car wreck of political aspirations known as the Republican Presidential Debates--we thought we'd give each candidate a chance to make their final case for enshrinement. Consider their claims and cast your ballot at the right--only 4 days left to vote! Make them count!

Jesse Crain 

(the only returning candidate from last year)

I believe that the reasons I would make a good Hall of Famer can be best summarized through a detailed analysis of the inter-related ideas of existentialist philosophers like Viktor Frankl and Austrian economist Friedrich Hayek, you see following the inhuman betrayal of our shared human values...[5 minutes later]...leaving the only possible explanation for both the meaning of life and the reason for a limited government: my excellent slider! Thank you.

Jim Thome

I never tried to make lofty, absurd promises to Twins Territory, I just spoke softly and carried a big stick that hit big homeruns. The citizens of Twins Territory don't need promises, they need a calm, steady, potato-ish presence in the line up, I did that proudly for two years. I even walked around with a big blue ox, because hey, I figured y'all would like it. If elected to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame, I will be polite, dignified and hit home runs...you're welcome.

Delmon Young

You people never thought I'd do the things I did, but I always surprised you! Just when it looked like a ball would fly over my head for a devastating double, I'd randomly decide to leap and find the thing! Just when it looked like I'd catch the ball for an inning ending out, I'd lose it in the sun or the roof, or a cloud! Admit it, you could never predict what I'd do next! I'd always leave you guessing! What's more exciting than having that: EVERY SINGLE BALLGAME!! Elect me to the Peanuts Hall of Fame and who knows what I'll do? Ground into a double play? Try to leg out a triple? Establish a colony on the moon? WHO KNOWS?!? ELECT ME AND FIND OUT!!!

Joe Nathan

BLAGHERAGHERAGHERAGH!!!! STRIKEOUTS! GERAAAAGHHERAGAAAAAGGA!!! WINNING!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGH!!! VOTE JOE!!! BLARK!!!

This may be our last chance to refer to Dread Pirate Joe Nathan
We had to take it

Kevin Slowey

I know a little something about entertainment, and I know a little something about job creation. I provided you fans with countless games of entertainment, when I found a good pitching groove and suddenly turned in 7 or 8 innings of near total domination--that was entertaining. When I didn't, and I left after 3 or 5 innings in total confusion and disarray--well, I was just making sure that our bullpen guys had opportunities to prove themselves. Otherwise they'd be without big league contracts, and salaries, and their kids would suffer and the backbone of our society (middle relievers) would collapse! You wouldn't want that to happen would you? Of course not...so, that's why you should vote for me...I'm entertaining, and I'm doing my part to make pitching staffs strong again for ourselves, and our children.

Jose Mijares

I did three things that make me worth of being a Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Famer. I threw the ball really hard. I didn't sue when these bloggers photoshopped my head on a Princess drawing. And, uhh...uhh....oops.

Jason Kubel

Sure, I could tell you why I deserve election, but look at these other candidates! Kevin Slowey talks about putting relievers to work, but he single handedly put Boof Bonser out of a job! (What about Boof?!?) And Delmon Young? He's a serial flip-flopper: "I'll catch the ball. I won't catch the ball. I'll hit the ball. I won't ever hit the ball." How do we know the real Delmon Young is here? And I think that Joe Nathan is a secret african pirate who tried to turn Twins Territory into a socialist society where fluttering your lips replaced English as the national language!* I'm Jason Kubel, and I play baseball...vote for me!

*This message paid for by Smirking For America

Jim Hoey

Umm...I'm just gonna leave...

Michael Cuddyer

Sure, I could tell you about the all-star appearance, the charity work, the strong arm in right field, the steady professional hitting, the magic tricks, the ability to play any position Gardy asked me. But I think you're all sick of campaigning, and besides, isn't this enough? [Smiles, a soft *ping* is heard, everyone is happy]

So there you go, the choice is yours Twins fans; cast your votes in the poll (for as many as you like) and we'll photoshop the winning plaques by opening day!

Wish you were here

It's a holiday special post here at Peanuts From Heaven. While this time of the year is normally associated with large shiny objects with big bows on them, we've always more inclined to spend these days  appreciating our loved ones. With both our families in spitting distance from our condo, we have plenty of family to spend the day with: parents can help us reminisce, siblings will goof off with us, and pets will allow us to dress them up in adorable elfin costumes.

As much as we love the family, we peanuts can't help but think about those who aren't around any more.- And after this year as Twins fans there are lots of old favorites who are not around the land of 10,000 lakes. We love our baseball family, and while we know there's little point in reminiscing, we can't help but feel like the right thing to do is share our gratitude for the years of entertainment and amusement that some of our (now former) twins gave us. So, today we'd like to send out our year end thank you cards to those erstwhile members of the Minnesota 9 who now find themselves playing elsewhere.

Dear Jim Thome,

Our thoughts exactly, Delmon

Thank you for being our very own Paul Bunyan slugger. We know you were hoping that we could win the World Series for you  and that didn't come close to happening. But knowing that you'd turn up every day, behave like a pro, and occasionally try out a Minnesota accent makes you awesome. We hope you enjoy Philadelphia (kiss the Liberty Bell for us).


Dear Delmon Young,
Thank you for being the inspiration of one of our earliest gimmicks here at PFH: Supraction. If anyone encapsulated the fine Twins art of accidentally doing something good in a way that left the opponents surprised, distracted and utterly incapable of withstanding our offensive assault, it was you (probably because nobody expected you to do anything impressive...ever). Sure you could be prickily and you ordered your Johnny Walker Blue with 7-Up, but you were ours and for that we're grateful.

Blagheragh

Dear Joe Nathan,
Thank you for the horse flutters, and the arm pumping and the stand up and shout and giving us the feeling that if we could just have the lead after the 8th inning then we should be victorious. It's hard to believe that you're turning in your Lake Calhoun piracy for the chance to eat brisket in Dallas, but we'll wish you well (unless you forget to bring us some brisket when the Rangers come to town)

Dear Kevin Slowey,

Slowey and Mijares at left, after their capture by
a villainous pirate umpire

Thank you for asking out my old co-worker. I'm sorry she turned you down. Thank you for appearing on the Onion. I'm sorry the show was cancelled shortly after your appearance. Best of luck in Colorado, we hope they have more willing single ladies and a greater appreciation of your grisly sense of humor.



Dear Jose Mijares,
Thank you for never suing us for defamation of character despite repeated reference to the whole "Pretty Princess Mijares" character. You're truly an understanding gentleman. Enjoy Kansas City, we have a hunch you'll like the barbecue down there.

Dear Jason Kubel,
Thank you for all your tireless work raising awareness about the "Running is Stupid" campaign. Your power-hitting/slow-trotting around the basepaths was a valuable combination and we hope more of the ground-ball prone rookies in the organization take your lead and swing for the fences. We hope that they savor your smirk in Arizona.


Dear Jim Hoey,
Thank you for...ummm...uhh....thank you for not minding that we can't think of anything to thank you for.


Dear Michael Cuddyer,
Thank you. For the great throws from right field. For the consistent clubhouse leadership. For the powerful bat. For the dimples, and the startling catches, and the clutch hitting, and the willingness to play 2nd base, and 1st, and center, and pitcher. Thank you for magic tricks. Thank you for charity work. Thank you for grit and pluck and pre-game line-up cards. Thank you for being the guy we wanted to see in the batter's box; because you looked so calm, hit so well, and took the team's success so much to heart. Thank you for seeming like the player who would most likely smile bemusedly at our shenanigans. Thank you.

This photoshop is officially retired...*tear*

We've said our thank you's and we meant them all. If you want to thank any of these guys a little more please vote in the poll at the right for the next class of Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Famers (a hall of fame for those who weren't necessarily the best, but were the most entertaining part of a Twins game). You can vote for as many players as you want as many times as you want.

Next week we'll come back with that other part of the holiday season: comparing all the cool stuff/free agents we now have. But for now we hope you savor the holiday whereever you are...and oh yeah, thank you for reading, whomever you are.

A Fistful of Transactions: The 2011 Winter Meeting Recap Post

Time for one of our many December traditions here at PFH: a recap* of all that went down in the Twins-o-verse during the recent Winter Meetings.

*Note: for our purposes "recap" means wild dramatization of events based on hearsay, conjecture and good ol' fashioned irresponsible journalism (see previous years examples here, here and here)

Here's our report.

MONDAY
10:03 AM Terry Ryan arrives at his first Winter Meetings in almost five years to discover that all the other GMs have gotten super cliquey, moved into separate cabins and won't let Ryan eat lunch or join bracelet weaving anymore.

1:21 PM After a few hours of aimlessly wandering the corridors of the Hilton Anatole, wondering if he's made a huge mistake coming back to GM land, Ryan grabs infielder Pedro Florimon and a $16 box of jellybeans from Batimore's minibar. He feels much better about himself.

Welcome back Minnesota Capps

4:42 PM Negotiations to bring closer Matt Capps back to the Twin Cities nearly break down when, in a sweltering hotel room, Ryan asks an aide to "turn on the fans" and the aide turns on a twitter feed of bloggers and ticket holders berating Capps. Leading to an awkward silence

7:35 PM The awkward silence ends when Capps says, "meh, they'd probably say that anywhere. You've got a deal!"

7:36 PM The Capps news hits the internet and the entire state of Minnesota hits its collective head on its computer screens



TUESDAY
8:18 AM After reading the various hyperbolic reactions of those in the Twins bloggery/fan community, Ryan faces reporters. Instead of answering questions, he simply stares sternly and with a measure of disappointment until everyone hangs their head in shame and promises to try being nicer to Matt Capps.

Ham AND Tomatoes?!?

10:47-11:35 AM Ryan intiates a long brunch bartering session with executives from Denver, nearly getting a trade of Kevin Slowey in exchange for exclusive rights to the Denver Omelette. Sadly, Rockies staff members realize that the Denver Omelette is worth far more than Kevin Slowey but do agree to the trade in exchange for a player to be named later and an extra serving of cantaloupe.

3:19 PM Feeling like he's on a roll, Ryan decides to take a run at signing Michael Cuddyer, offering him a three-year deal of for $24 million dollars per year and full amnesty from diaper duty for his new twin daughters.

8:02 PM With most of the major goals of the winter meetings accomplished, Twins front office people begin suggesting TV shows to replace Lost in their annual all-night DVD marathons (a tradition instituted by Bill Smith). Though Terry Ryan is initially hesitant, the vast repository of options on Netflix Instant Queue leaves him staring goggly-eyed through three seasons of Friday Night Lights.

WEDNESDAY
9:51 AM Believing Friday Night Lights to be based on a true story (like the movie and book of the same name) Ryan begins driving to College Station to recruit Brian "Smash" Williams to consider signing with the Twins minor league system as an athletic reserve outfielder in the Ben Revere mold (only with a better arm).

2:36 PM Ryan sadly realizes that Williams is a fictional character...but that Blue Baker sandwiches, pizza and cookies are AMAZING.

6:19 PM In a last ditch attempt to sway Mark Buehrle away from signing with the Miami Marlins, the Twins front office sends a glossy recruitment package to Buerhle advertising the tonnage of fried food available at the state fair, the prominent bike paths, lack of serial killers and nearly 85 days of livable weather.

11:22 PM Buehrle informs the Twins that he is passing.


THURSDAY

Stupid Economist...

7:50 AM Stinging from Buehrle's rejection, Ryan puts together an incredibly complex offer to get Albert Pujols & CJ Wilson involving default credit swaps, bundled home mortgages, averaging out to 22 Million Euros per year.

9:29 AM Before signing this deal, Pujols and Wilson see a recent cover of The Economist (pictured Right) and instead go to Los Angeles, because nobody's dreams of stardom and success ever fail in Los Angeles.

10:18 AM Having learned a valuable lesson from the foolishness of pursuing overpriced free agents with silly promises, Terry Ryan goes back to what he knows best: drafts Terry Doyle from the White Sox in the Rule V draft, agrees to take Daniel Turpen as the player to be named later from Colorado, and grabs a new batting helmet to hold all his cantaloupe.

12:22 PM With his mouth full of cantaloupe, Ryan describes the winter meetings as "productive."

Everything's Bigger in Texas

Especially the bargains!!

Yes, it's time for our annual Winter Meeting's preview post, in which we highlight what we expect to see happen during the annual three day rumor-a-thon in one of the nation's finest Hilton Hotels. For this first time we're going to see blog about the way business is done under Terry Ryan rather than would-be-Rico--Suave Pick-Up Artist/GM Bill Smith.

Thus far, the current offseason has confirmed my old sense that Terry Ryan shops for major league talent in much the same way that my grandmother shops for furniture at IKEA. See, our peanuty grandma has two golden rules when it comes to shopping: first, it has to be practical, and second it has to be "terribly on sale" to justify the expense (no matter how small). So, naturally grandma loves IKEA, get in, go directly to the section you need, pick the best option at the best price and get out; no dithering over the upholstery, no hemming and hawing over which would fit best: get the one you need, get it cheap, get out.

C'mon Target Field, make this happen

Terry Ryan operates the same way. Sure you really need that short stop to tie the middle infield together, but don't go ogling the ruby-encrusted ottoman that is Jose Reyes, Jamey Carroll will do just fine, thank you very much! The Yankees might dither over whether to get a mahogany or Brazilian teak back-up backstop; the Twins get a Doumit and have enough change left over to treat the whole family to Swedish meatballs.

Terry's very disappointed
that you've been so mean to
Matt Capps

So expect much the same this week as the front office heads to Dallas for the Winter Meetings. Other teams will be debating just how fancy to get in their wheelings and dealings, and Terry Ryan will keep on doing what he does best: staying practical and finding deals. So with that in mind, and in the spirit of the Lone Star State's lone star, here's our 5 point prediction for Uncle Terry's Bargain Hunting in Big D.

#1---Sign Matt Capps to be closer for 1 year for $1.5 million and 2 body guards
Bill Smith fell victim to last year's big fad in bullpen decorating: hard-throwing, somewhat-erratic, right handers. Terry Ryan does not like fads and without the time to snooker the San Francisco Giants into giving us another Joe Nathan, so Uncle Terry says: "we'll make do with the budget option and public opinion be damned; you fans were raised better than that...shape up or ship out."

#2--Have Tony Oliva bring Yoenis Cespedes a sandwich
Cespedes is the real deal, a five-tool outfield star who figures to command major dollars just as soon as baseball finds a way to make him legally employable. There hasn't been a Hall of Fame calibre Cuban  since Tony O and there hasn't been a Cuban MVP since Zoilo Versailles, we've got some history here. Sure Cespedes could rely on his natural talent and a big budget team around him to make him great...but if he comes to Minnesota there will be sandwiches, and of course...Tony O. (Sure it won't work, but it's a low cost, high reward way of trying to make something happen.)

#3--Try to Trade Kevin Slowey
We like Kevin Slowey, he's a gentleman and a scholar, he's funny enough to appear on the Onion, we were even trying to popularize nicknames like "SloSlo" or "Killthrow" or "KZone". But the writing's been on the wall for months now. He's also not going to be rejoining the rotation any time soon and doesn't want to go to the bullpen, so unless he starts playing third base like a champion, his days in the blue and red are numbered. The sad part is, he doesn't have much trade value, so at best he could be the "Brendan Harris" of this year's "what-the-hell-give-us-some-prospects-and-we're happy" trade. Fortunately Terry Ryan's track record with tose kinds of trades is pretty good, so fingers crossed!

Bob Dylan's all over this thing Cuddy 

#4--Send Michael Cuddyer a Mix-Tape
All our favorite jams can be on it! Like Green Day's "Time of Your Life" and one of Joe Mauer's rap tracks. We could include personal appeals from local-inspired artists like Doomtree and the Hold Steady. Then he'll realize that he's always really loved us and stop listening to the Red Sox nattering about "Sweet Caroline", and sign a three-year deal for a local discount and the promise that he can replace Bert Blyleven after he retires.


#5--Twiddle your thumbs
Every year we get riled up about the big moves coming during the winter meetings, and every year very little actually happens. This year will likely be no different. Sure some big name free agents might sign with other teams, but the Twins news will likely be confined to one of those four story lines. But rest assured, Uncle Terry's still looking for a deal, patience is a virtue friends...trust the man, just like I trust my grandma.

MV-Peanut

Now that Major League Baseball has finished handing out all its bronzed and emblazoned knicknacks to players who helped their teams win divisions and games and what not, we can turn our attention to honoring the best player on our favorite team.

To be sure, after a season where bright spots were often as rare as talent on the set of The Jersey Shore, picking a player who made watching the games a pleasure was tough. Sure Liriano's no-hitter was a treat to see, and Jim Thome's jaw dropping taters were amazing (both for us fans and the guys on deck--see Young, Delmon). But if you were to ask us who made watching the games and tuning in on a daily basis worthwhile there really is only one answer.

So congratulations to our 2011 Peanuts from Heaven Most Valuable Peanut:
MICHAEL CUDDYER.

Yup...this happened.

Now, some might say that this is the easy way out. After all, Cuddyer was the Twins' All-Star representative and yeah he lead the team in Slugging, OPS and WAR and yeah...he's freakin' Michael "Magic Man" Cuddyer. But there's more than that. When Cuddy came to bat we had sudden, inexplicable surges of optimism. No matter where he played--Right field, First Base, Second or Third--we couldn't help but appreciate the all out effort on every play. We actually kept hoping he'd suddenly end up pitching....then he did.

So there's Cuddy, hitting, fielding, pitching, helping with team broadcasts, blogging on the side, raking the infield dirt and doing everything short of playing Baby Elephant Walk on the organ. How do you not love a guy who does all that? Heck, what else could Cuddyer do at that point?

Well...he could do it all...in a foreign country, during a mid-season excursion with we bloggers to Thailand. And sure enough, he did it all again.

Cuddy makes the catch to
support Cabbages & Condoms

Cuddy makes a catch in honor
of the Queens birthday

Cuddy makes the diving catch, despite
the shallow depths of the pool.

Cuddy fights through jungle undergrowth
to make the catch

Cuddy celebrates a delicious green curry
by making a big catch

That's how good Michael Cuddyer was this year. He was the best Twins player on two continents. So, on today of all days we have to be sure to be thankful to have seen Michael Cuddyer at his very best this year. Bravo Cuddy, let us know where to send the hardware.

Smells Like Lutefisk, Ya Know?

It was Lutheran Night at Target Field.

This caused several problems. First of all, the EMTs were in over their heads before the game even started when fans began passing out left and right due to wearing Norwegian Sweaters in the 90 degree heat. Secondly, in a sudden reversal of the principles of economics, prices of back row seats shot up 300% because nobody wanted to sit in the front. There was also great confusion when fans tried to sing grace before eating their hot dogs and were unsure whether to "strengthened for thy service be" or "feast in paradise with thee" -a brawl actually broke out in section 214. There was also the 4 part harmony dramz during the national anthem (there were too many sopranos), and the fact that many people were so reluctant to rudely walk in front of one another that they simply refused to go to the restroom at all, which resulted in an unfortunate stinkyness throughout many sections of the stadium.

Down in the dugout, Drew Butera was trying to figure out what to do. He had just gotten in touch with his Norwegian self, and he realized that ordering Pavano to throw certain pitches was not very Lutheran. He decided instead to make "suggestions" to Carl, and then if he didn't like what Carl threw he would call Ben Revere later to complain and maybe also to gossip about Luke Hughes.

Danny Valencia, meanwhile, was having a conniption. "But GUYS," he said. "It's LUTHERAN NIGHT. We can't just score runs against these guys, they get beat up by the Yankees and the Red Sox all the time and it just...it wouldn't be very nice."

"Well," said Cuddy, as he smiled extra-bright and his dimples shone like an exploding supernova. "What should we do then? I mean chances are we're going to hit the ball occasionally and probably get on base sometimes."

Joe Mauer chimed in then - he'd been thinking a lot about this Lutheran niceness and such. "How about I'll wait until there are 2 outs before I get a hit? And then probably no one will score, so we won't make the Orioles feel too bad."

"Gee," said Danny. "That's a great idea! And then maybe we can guilt them into letting us win!!" It was too brilliant (and too convoluted) to fail.

Or not.

And that is how the Twins got smacked down by the Baltimore Orioles, 4-1 on August 22, 2011. There was also some serious fan interference, and some extremely un-Norwegian behavior exhibited by Gardy (awesome) but the important thing you must remember - we lost tonight because of passive-aggressiveness. And also lutefisk.

Adieu Dear Delmon, Adieu

As we leave Detroit glowing with victory we must now say farewell to the man we traded when we arrived in Michigan: Delmon Damarcus Young.

Several years ago we Peanuts noticed that Delmon had an uncanny ability to reach base in ways that seemed completely implausible. He seemed to lead the team in pop-ups that got lost in the Dome, singles that skidded off of pebbles and following two weak ground outs with a monstrous home run. He seemed to thrive by surprising and distracting the opposition...so we merged the words and claimed that he "supracted" them. Later we realized that the Twins' resident magician should also be a part of this magical art and developed a whole shtick about Cuddyer & Young, Masters of Supraction (TM).

(You can read all about the origin of Supraction here, and see the complete annals of Delmon & Cuddy's supraction-tastic exploits here)

But as Delmon donned a different jersey and Cuddy sat on the bench nursing an injured neck, we wondered how Supraction would survive and thus imagined the following moments.

[In the Tiger dugout before game 1]

Delmon: So yeah, I could totally teach you guys some Supraction-tastic skillz. It'll totally help win the division and maybe even the World Series!

Miguel Cabrera: I don't know, just hitting the ball hard has worked pretty well for me.

Jhonny Peralta: Yeah, and I use the magical powers of my misplaced "h"...I think I'm okay, but maybe the younger guys like Brennan Boesch and Austin Jackson could use it.

Delmon: What do you think coach?

Jim Leyland: [Inaudible mumble, grumble, spit]

Delmon: ...was that a yes or a no?

Jim Leyland: [Grumble, spit, mumble]

Delmon: ...ooookay...here...just watch what it can do...I'm gonna totally supract Liriano in my first at bat because, hey! I'm wearing a different uniform and not in left field...he'll be surprised, he'll be distracted and I'll supract a home run!!

Jim Leyland: [Spit, grumble, mumble, spit]

Of course, Delmon went out and did just that, and Jim Leyland responded by clapping his hands, then mumbling and spitting. The next day, Cuddy, seemed dispirited.

Cuddy: [Sigh]

Jim Thome: Hi there Michael...something troubling you?

Cuddy: Oh, Jim, it's nice of you to ask, but...I don't think you would understand.

Thome: I may not understand, but I'll always listen. C'mon Cuddy...Talk to Thome...

Cuddy: Well, Jim. You know how I like magic and sleight of hand tricks and surprising/distracting the opposition with my myriad skills of awesomeness?

Thome: Boy, I sure do! Your magic is SO COOL!

Cuddy: Well, I used to use those skills to win games with Delmon. And now that he's out there playing for Detroit I just feel...

Thome: Strangely empty in your soul?

Cuddy: Yeah! I mean, I know that Supraction will still be a part of the game, but it will be hard to replicate that old feeling of pure, randomly inspired, Delmon-rific, accidental awesomeness.

Thome: Would you feel better if I tried to Supract people by hitting more homeruns?

Cuddy: Thanks Jim, but your homers are kind of expected...maybe if you suddenly stole third base--

Thome: Yeah.............that ain't gonna happen buddy. But hey, why don't you look for a NEW friend to instruct in the art of Supraction. That way, the spirit of it can live on and on in Twins Territory.

Cuddy: Wow, you really are just, ridiculously awesome aren't you?

Thome: Yeah, pretty much. Wanna hug?

Cuddy: Yes. Yes I do.

And so it was that Cuddy began to search for new masters of Supraction. And in a few short moments he realized that the answer had been standing next to Delmon in the outfield for lo these many months. So yesterday, this happened.

Delmon in the first inning: Doo-de-doo...time to hit the ball really really far, and make all Detroit real happy! [Swings, blasts it to center and starts to trot until Ben Revere snags the ball over his shoulder]...Woah...umm...that was surprising...

Delmon in the fourth inning: Okay...here I go, ready to supract Carl to hell. [Swings and cranks it to right center, begins another double trot only to see Ben Revere run the ball down like a lion running down a gazelle] Woah...did he? What do I...I feel all distracted and...wait a second!

[Delmon turns to the Twins dugout and sees Cuddy grinning at him]

Cuddy: SUPRACTION SUCKA!!!

So Ben Revere, quiet, unassuming, broad-smiling, ball-chasing, catcher-running-over Ben Revere has become the latest student in the art of Supraction. We wish Delmon well teaching Supraction in Detroit, but we're even more excited to see Cuddy take on Revere as his Supraction paduwan.

4 Games, 200 Words

Everything is bigger in Texas, but since we don't need to compensate for anything, we're going to summarize the Twins 4 game set in just 200 words. (Time is short; ergo brevity wins the day)

Monday: Rangers 20-Twins 6

This game looked so bad early on we were almost tempted to watch Sex & the City 2. On the plus side, Cuddy did this.

Tuesday: Twins 9-Rangers 8

Tempted though we were to avoid another night of heartbreak, sticking around for all nine innings paid off with a stirring comeback win and Joe Nathan tying a team record for saves.

Wednesday: Twins 7-Rangers 2

Joe Mauer hit a home run! (Cue the Hallelujah chorus), and though Joe Nathan didn't get a record setting save, we scored a lot of runs and won! WOOT

Thursday: Rangers 4-Twins 1

We actually spent the night celebrating my grandfather's 83rd birthday. And since he's a Twin fan, we won't even bring up the game.

DONE! With 35 to spare. And now we must say that we're hitting the road for two weeks in Thailand. If we can we'll post...but dude, if you were in Thailand, would you?

See you in August!

Lessons from the All-Star Game

First and foremost we learned that Arizonians like to boo things, anything really: Ben Revere, Divisional Rivals, Non-Divisional Rivals, Yankees, Non-Yankees, adorable puppies, you name it and people in Arizona will boo it.

Second, Moneyball starring Brad Pitt comes out September 23rd.

Third, I learned that my father takes his prepositions very seriously. After LaVelle E Neal tweeted "Cliff Lee in for the Phillies", my father, looking over my shoulder said..."Actually, it should be Cliff Lee, of the Phillies coming in for the national league" and went on..."puts his toes on the rubber and serves up a gopher ball to Adrian Gonzalez of the Boston Red Sox for a solo home run, to put the American League on top 1 to 0." (Clearly I've inherited some nerdiness from the old man.

We also discovered that Justin Timberlake, was able to give voice to America's common rage and tossed a little smack talk at Joe Buck. "You're calling a great game Joe...just GREAT!" may replace "Heckuva Job Brownie!" as America's favorite sarcastic compliment. OH, also...Justin Timberlake has a movie coming out soon, but it will come out before Moneyball debuts in theatres September 23rd.

My mother learned of the existence of the MLB Fan Cave, but was thoroughly disappointed by the fact that it seems to be an all boys club. C'mon baseball, ladies like the sport too! So, Major League executives, please consider giving my mom a job in the Fan Cave next year. This would both make her happy and give all of America access to the excellent television of my mother knitting David Ortiz a hat, scolding Brian Wilson to shave his beard mid-interview, and wagging a finger at any player who disputes an ump.

Sixth, no one told Heath Bell that the All-Star Game was a serious business, so he slid into the mound while coming in to pitch. What do you think this is Heath Bell? Some kind of game?!?? What in the name "All-Star Game" would make you think that it was a "Game" to be "played" as though you were child-like and carefree?!?!? Seriously! Some people...

Seventh, Oh yeah...the NL won, their second all-star win in a row. After winning 2 of the last 3 World Series AND increasing their win total in interleague play for three straight years, it might be time to stop thinking of the National League as the inferior league.

And finally, even though he flew out on the first (and only) pitch he saw, Michael Cuddyer gave me a great idea for a new tv show. Cuddy would play a straight laced, All-American do-gooder doctors (with an adorable magic hobby) and Brian Wilson would play his wacky, goofball, nonsequitur-spouting, anti-establishment partner (who still gets results). I can see it now: THURSDAYS on TNT after Rizzoli & Isles and Franklin & Bash it's Cuddyer & Wilson...two men who play by their OWN RULES...and the rules of Major League Baseball! {It could even debut before the September 23rd release of Moneyball on September 23rd!)

The second half of the season starts tonight with the Twins taking on the Royals. And if you want to mull over the Twins chances to make the playoffs look no further than the next two weeks as the Twins will play 16 games against 4 teams, including 12 against Central Division rivals (all at home). And if you just want to sit back and watch baseball...well, you can do that too.

WWFFS?

If you saw our twitter feed yesterday (or on the right hand nav there) you'll see that we went to Target Field yesterday...and not just Target Field...an Event Suite in Target Field.

While this was probably a one time occurrence (unless a lottery ticket pays off or we write the great American novel in our spare time, it was absolutely amazing to sit back and soak up the joys of a day at the ballpark, with friends, family and 40,000 fellow fans. As if it wasn't enough to appreciate all that, we got to do it from an air conditioned box with plenty of hot dogs, complimentary popcorn and more cookies & brownies than even a rampaging horde of teenagers could consume.

This, my brother Simon would tell you is America at it's best. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Watching TC bounce around the field in his Uncle Sam gear, and cheering Brian Duensing's surprising shut-out (not to mention Danny & Cuddy's long-ball-a-palooza), left me to wonder...what would the founding fathers say [WWFFS] if they could see how we celebrate independence today?

Then I imagined this conversation in the seats around me:

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie! This is totally awesome!!

James Madison: True General! Who would have thought that our humble nation would expand thus westward, stretch yea skyward, and develop diversions so rapturous as to ensorscle the mind and senses?

Thomas Jefferson: I would have...I bought this place.

James Madison: Thomas, just because you bought Lousiana doesn't mean you bought...

Thomas Jefferson: Excuse me? I knew that our ever expanding populace would need more land to exercise their freedom and liberty. Therefore I purchased this land from Napoleon, therefore people explored and settled on it, therefore I am responsible for all of this awesomeness that you see...me...myself...I.

James Madison: But...

Thomas Jefferson: T-JEFF IN THE HOUSE!!!

George Washington: Who is that grandfatherly chap who keeps drinking milk on yon jumbotron? He exudes the fortitude of character and strong bones of natural leader.

Thomas Paine: That is Ronald Gardenhire, General. I should know...he is also a man of Common Sense! Ha HaHA! Ha.......Dost thou get my jest?!?

George Washington: Of course Thomas, but pray, don't be that dude, the Adamses are bad enough.

John Adams & Sam Adams: [Drunkenly staggering around] Red SAAWWWWXXXXX!!!! $*%& YOU DAMON!!! $*%&ING TRAITOR!!! BIG PAPI'D KICK YER AAAASSSSSSS!!!!!!!

John Adams: Get anudder beeeear Sammy.

Sam Adams: You get it...I made it...

John Adams: I was President...

Sam Adams: Yeah...fer just FOUR YEARS!! [John and Sam Adams start fighting]

George Washington: My but it's fun to watch that Revere lad run, wouldn't you say?

James Madison: Indeed sir, I wonder if he's any relation the Boston silversmith?

Thomas Paine: Unlikely James, Mr. Revere had an altogether different complexion

Thomas Jefferson: Yeah...they couldn't possibly be distantly related through forbidden love...

John & Sam Adams: Paul Revere's a #*%&!#_%&%!#%*^!@*&$^!@*%&

James Madison: OH MY! Did you see that play by Master Cuddyer! He leapt like an antelope and snared it with inestimable grace!

Thomas Jefferson: Indeed, it was rather impressive...though not quite as impressive as my invention of the dumbwaiter, which inspired the elevator which brought our fine catered meal to us this evening!

Thomas Paine: Thomas...

Thomas Jefferson: Do you doubt me? Have you forgotten that my quill coined the phrases that we honor this day? Have you forgotten that I begat the public university system from whence our youths have continuously developed their wisdom and the architectural schema of this very coliseum? What have you done to led our nation to this moment, T-Paine, other than write a dull pamphlet and invent auto-tuning?

Thomas Paine: Actually...that was the other T-Pain.

Thomas Jefferson: I thought so...now if you'll excuse me...[walks towards next box] Hello ladies, you can call me T-Jeff, what digits might I use to call you?

James Madison: It's okay, Thomas, you know T-Jeff...he's...well...

Ben Franklin: He certainly is. Now come men, you should eat more of these fine Hessian sausages. I had expected more Francophile cuisine to survive through the ages. But apparently the French, like my aphorisms, stink after 200 hundred years or so. What say you General Washington?

George Washington: I swear this Thome fellow used to deliver my morning news when he was a lad!

In case it's not clear from this rather silly set of dialogue, I'm a big nerd who not only loves baseball but also American history, and gently ribbing the founding fathers (they didn't want to be kings or nobles, I think they'd allow it).

Anything you can do, Cuddy can do better

Again, I could do a whole sack cloth and ashes routine over our current 3-6 start, but honestly...why? It's baseball! It's a game, a form of entertainment and it provides countless hours of distraction all summer long. While you might be deeply emotionally invested, you must admit that the sun will rise, the bird will sing and the earth will keep on spinning regardless of the Twins record. Of course I'd like them to play better, but rather than dissect all our little failings--which increases the pressure on the players and only exacerbates the situation--let's try a little positivity and focus on the Twins renaissance man: Michael Cuddyer!

I joked on Twitter yesterday that since Cuddyer is now playing 2nd the only thing he can't do is play the organ between innings. But honestly...I think that might be the only thing I haven't seen him do. In the majors he has played every outfield spot, 1st, 2nd and 3rd base, AND he did a season at short in the minors. That leaves Catcher and Pitcher, and seriously...give him time, he'll get around to it. As if that wasn't enough, he also runs charity dinners, does radio voice overs and is the go-to interview in the clubhouse. And on top of all that he blogs...he blogs with (trust me as an English teacher) superb use of parallelism and well honed rhetoric!

So now that Cuddy has put the average utility player/community leader/humble blogger to shame, what's left? According to my overactive imagination: Cuddyer will also be spending his off days researching the viability of bacteriotherapy in treating glaucoma and turf toe, speaking to graduate students at the University of Minnesota on Abraham Lincoln's direct influence on the origins of baseball and finishing his neo-pontillistic landscape painting of Target Field in the style of Georges Seurat. At some point this year he will also have to fight James Franco in an intellectual decathlon to prove once and for all who is the true Renaissance Man of modern America. (I think Cuddy will win it by baking an apple pie with a gruyere infused crust.)

Maybe he won't do all those things, maybe I'm being a little hyperbolic, but whatever actually does happen I look forward to more Cuddyer-ific discoveries in the season ahead.

Friends forever!

As we have long maintained: Torii Hunter is our home boy. Sure he plays for another team now, but he was ours first and no matter what he says to the contrary we know that deep down he'll always want to come back for the deliciousness of Swedish Pancakes and a well harmonized Lutheran Choir.

After all, he is the Obi Wan/Sensei to Denard's Luke Skywalker/Centerfield Ninja. And if you don't believe me I have the photoshops to prove it!

(I know that wasn't really neccessary, but I like photoshops...and I'm always a fan of spicing up the site with pretty pictures)

Anyway now that we have a new stadium we seem to have captured Torii's heart again. I therefore suggest that we invite Torii to hang out until the end of the season, offering to pay for his hitting/fielding services with Swedish pancakes, then everything comes full circle.

Speaking of full circle: I, being a huge mega nerd, started listening to baseball podcasts recently including this, baseball today podcast from ESPN. I'm not a huge fan of sports talk, but I think these guys are pretty good and apparently one of them thinks highly enough of our dear friend Cuddy to have invited him on to talk about the Twins last Thursday (interview starts around 7:50 and explains just how awesome the Twins are). After the interview though the host relates a story that again shows just how unbelievably adorable Michael Cuddyer is (that starts at 15:08)

So enjoy Saturday and marvel at the cuteness that is Michael Cuddyer.

Well...now it's a two game series

Thank merciful Jebus that I don't have to writhe in agony much longer.

Let me drop this visual metaphor on you:

The dude on the left represents me trying to watch the game and write Research methods notes in a library, while simultaneously watching the Twins fall behind, come back, screw up some great opportunities, come back, nearly blow it, and then win. Quoth the dude on the left: "it gets me every time."

The guy on the right represents all the peoples of Bowling Green, Ohio who couldn't care two shakes of a lamb's whiskers what happens.

The night was equally tense yet tantalizing, getting updates from a fellow student who had never flown her Twins flag till last night, but is going to the game tonight and is therefore one of my new favorite people ever. Then walking home with my parents and then Stinky giving me play-by-play as we kept it close (no matter what SportsCenter says about Justin Verlander's dominance--a one run win, is keeping it close).

Double headers are a pain, I'm impressed we kept them both close, and ecstatic that we won one, but that leaves two games to pretty much decide whether a) we are tied going into the last weekend, b) we are still two games back going into the last weekend, c) we are eliminated from contention and begin a mental preparation for four more months of Brett Favre saturation...le sigh.

I can dream, I can imagine great things, and a level playing field, but this is a good team we're playing, and we're playing in their house. I'm not giving up on the Twins, and even if we lose, I'll proudly watch the close of the dome, but if the worst case scenario happens, I'll be glad to shake the hands of Tigers fans and say: "In the name of all that is good and decent and midwestern, please beat the Yankees."

(And now that I've mentally adjusted myself, just watch as I go all spazzy again tonight)

P.s. ESPN is giving us and our Bedimpled Badass some love win or lose and apparently the Pohlads and Bill Smith managed to woo someone fairly awesome*.

*Note: Awesomeness of this guy is contingent on him actually being sixteen and not 30 years old with scurvy.

Forgive the delay

in our commentary on this, so momentous a series, but we are, as the French say: "le tired".

As Stinky preps ceaselessly for her Business School Mid-terms (or Bizness Skool MizzleTizzles, as the kids are calling them these days) and my eyes continue to blur after several hours on the long Ohio/Indiana Turnpikes, we can take solace in these immutable facts.

1) Supraction is alive and well just ask Don Kelly as he got whacked upside the head by Orlando Cabrera's first supractalicious double of his Twins' career.

2) Michael Cuddyer continues to cement his place in our peanutty hearts as a man, not for his season...but for all time.

3) Hey! If we pitch well, and hit well good things might just happen to us after all.

4) Even though we are three games back we still have a shot--whether or not we want to have a shot (if having a shot means another trip to face the EVIL Yankees in New York...perhaps we want to pass on that, then again, perhaps we could give added confidence to Delmon and Gogo and Denard and Kubel and all out little woebegone pitchers by showing that with hard work and diligence you can achieve great things...we are undecided, the way the Twins have played all season, I kind of think that they are undecided too....*shrug*)

5) Bizness Skool MizzleTizzles and driving on Turnpikes are not the best way to spend a day.

6) Regardless of Bizness Skool MizzleTizzles and Turnpikes, the Twins will always be there, to give a laugh and a sigh and a cheery view of tomorrow.

YIPEEE!!! (Let's just kick back and enjoy the rest of the season...OH, and be sure to send good vibes Stinky's way)

We lead 8-0

Lalalala.........
I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up.


Cuddy is adorable even while smashing one out of the park.

I will not get my hopes up.
I will not get my hopes up.
I will not get my hopes up.

The word 'hopes' looks funny after you write it a lot.

A new addition....

[ It is a dark and stormy night. The Twins Superfriends are hiding out in their cave, awating the beginning of spring training and their next shot at world domination and defeating their enemies, the infamous Yankpires, while watching "Flavor of Love" on VH1]

DELMON YOUNG, MASTER OF SUPRACTION: Flava-flaaaaaaaaaaaav!!! Man that guy is so sweet. Dude can you pass me a beer.
DREAD PIRATE NATHAN: Yar. (tosses beer)
CUDDYER, MASYER OF SUPRACTION: Man maybe you shouldn't drink so much during the offseason. Your supraction skills are getting a little soft, and do you really want to get benched for....this guy?
(gestures to GO-GO GOMEZ who is building a nest of shredded newspapers in the corner)
GOMEZ: Sleepytime!
CUDDYER: No man... hibernation time is over. We have to play baseball now.
GOMEZ: (tear forms in eye) But.... I'm sleeeeeeepy......
YOUNG, MoS: Yeah. I see what you mean. (pause) But... I like beer.
CAKEBURN: And I like trashy reality television. What's on next?
JESSE CRAIN, ZE UBERMENSCH: G's to Gents marathon! That show is so awesome, mainly because it subverts Christian morality to allow for all sorts of sneaky plots and schemes, allowing the man who is truly great to come out on top. I love that shit!
CAKEBURN: I like cake.
ALL: We know.
CUDDYER: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow night?
YOUNG: I dunno. Maybe drink some more and watch a movie with Will Ferrell or Seth Rogen, and then TP the Pohlads house?
ZE UBERMENSCH: Dude we did that last weekend....
YOUNG: Oh yeah...
CUDDYER: Beer pong?
CAKEBURN: Cake pong?
ZE UBERMENSCH: What the...? That doesn't even make sense.
GOMEZ: CAKE!!!!!!!!!! CAKIE CAKE CAKE CAKE!!!!
ZE UBERMENSCH: Welp that woke him up. But seriously guys. Look at our lives. We're superheroes, yet we sit around watching trashy reality TV and drinking and talking about cake. We have no culture. No.... je ne sais quoi.
YOUNG: Dude. NOT true. You just said something in French - that's totally cultured. And reality television tells the epic story of man's quest for perfection. And look at DP Nathan - he's a pirate! That's very refined.
DP NATHAN: RAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!!! YARRRRRR JOE NATHAN RAAAAAAAARAG;FLKAJGHH!!!!
YOUNG: OK I see your point.
ZE UBERMENSCH: I mean, I'm the only one who even stops to ponder the greater questions in life. We need someone... classy. Someone with intelligence who can complement our lack of literary and cultural knowledge.

[R.A. Dickey appears in a puff of smoke]

DICKEY: Why, hello there.



CUDDYER: Dude. Who are you?
DICKEY: An excellent question, and one that requires the utmost consideration. Who am I? Who in fact are you? Who are we all? Would you like a fine cuban cigar and a glass of scotch?
ZE UBERMENSCH: Seriously though. Who are you.
DICKEY: My name is R.A. Dickey. I am a rather accomplished knuckleballer but I also have a degree in English literature. I alone can assist you in transforming your uncouth ways. I also have impeccable grammar.
YOUNG: Dude... cool.
CAKEBURN: Do you like cake?
DICKEY: Indubitably.
CAKEBURN: He's in.
CUDDYER: But wait.... how do you fit into our legion of superheros? What does being smart and having an english degree have to do with helping us defeat the Yankpires?
DICKEY: Ah but you don't understand. My combination of witty banter and killer knuckleball allows me to transform into.... THE MASTER LIBRARIAN!!!

ALL: Whoah.

DP NATHAN: Yar.

And so it was that THE MASTER LIBRARIAN joined the ranks of the Twins Superfriends, to fight alongside them and to help them defeat the Evil Yankpires.

[ Giving credit where credit is due, this post was like all great things in life, a true team effort. Smelly sent me the photoshops while I was working. Mad props]