What I Learned from the 2014 All Star Game

I'm surprised to note that I have not blogged about an al-star game in three years. Not in Kansas City, nor in New York. Maybe I was actually off living my life. But with the game in the Twin Cities, I was eager to both celebrate the festivities in person, and watch the game (with all the excellent athletes and irritating announcers that come along with it).

Here's what I learned.

Atmosphere > Imagine Dragons--I'm not much of a musical person, but I have to say that going to the All-Star weekend concert (free courtesy of Mrs. Peanut's work connections) was much more enjoyable for Atmosphere's presence rather than Imagine Dragons. However, for future reference major touring pop bands that play all-star games (because I know you all read my blog), if you want to make fans forever, play a personalized version of that team's "song". If Imagine Dragons had played "We're Gonna Win Twins"...or even the first 8 measures, I'd have been a fan for life.

My mom makes interesting bets--Rather than predict or argue over silly inconsequential things in the baseball game, like who will win, or how they'll score, my mother had a fun time predicting exactly what stupid things singers would do during All-Star Festivities. Singing for a living has that effect, and though the exact number of trills, flats, sharps, and unfortunate breath marks were never exactly cross-referenced with any website, it was good fun to bet on it never the less.

Even body language is tough for Joe

Joe Buck Can't Read--My father prefers to channel his baseball watching towards the announcers. Usually, this involves rolling his eyes at Bert or clapping along with Dick Bremer, but when the national announcers call the game it involves total exasperation with Joe Buck, who doesn't seem to understand that it's a good idea to read a scorecard while calling a game to cover simple things like: the teams, who's batting, the score and which inning it is. But by god he can say "cold Coors Light" better than any other announcer in history so, he'll keep on announcing until we're all old and gray.

Alcohol Helps--Speaking of cold Coors Lights...I don't drink them. But I do drink other things, and when subjected to Joe Buck, I encourage others to do the same.

John Bonnes/Nick Nelson Help--Speaking of drinking, special kudos to Twins Daily peoples for hosting a fantastic happy hour at Mason's on Monday night. Attending with the better half of the blogging duo (Mrs. Peanut/Stinky/Kristina) we were treated to beer and cheery conversation--even if John doesn't approve of Little Big League like we do, it was nice to talk to fellow nerds.

Everyone has a connection to Derek Jeter--Speaking of nerds, did you know that Derek Jeter's not a nerd? Did you know that Derek Jeter has known Derek Jeter all of his life? Let's see if Derek Jeter would sit down for a candid interview with Derek Jeter to discuss how Derek Jeter Derek Jetered Derek Jeter. (Any more broadcasts like this Fox and I think he's legally allowed to file a restraining order)


We need to love water more than oil--Fans at the game spotted a sign above the jumbotron around the fourth inning, and Twitter responded as it usually does, with one giant "#WTF?!?!" Still, point taken giant sign, I'll stop cuddling my own personal barrel of crude oil and start snuggling with an 8 pack of Evian.

Local Boys Done Good--Glen Perkins got the save, Kurt Suzuki had a nice relaxing day in the bullpen catching other guys and Pat Neshek...well...maybe we shouldn't mention Neshek as he took the loss. But he did make it to the All-Star game by a far more circuitous route than any of us would have expected when he was on the final ballot 7 years ago. So in a truly Minnesotan spirit let's just say "good for him."

Minnesotans Don't Like Loud Noises--Fireworks went boom, we were upset, that's all that really needs to be said.

Mike "Derek Jeter" Trout wins the
Derek Jeter award for Derek Jetering

Mike Trout is Good at Baseball--Unfortunately, when he makes his retirement tour the first question he'll be asked was "how did it feel to win the All-Star Game MVP in Derek Jeter's final season?"

So we're on to the second half, and with the World Cup done I might actually blog more frequently! Oh wait, school starts in a month...well, it'll be a fun month at least.

My Dog Writes the News

I'm officially back at work, planning and plotting all that I teach, but after a summer of goofing around with my dog (with Sports Radio/ESPN often on in the background), I felt like I could trust him to write a post summarizing baseball coverage of late. Without further ado...here's a guest post from my dog: Sidney.

Most Exciting Time of Baseball Season Irrelevant Next to Least Exciting Time of Football Season.

by, Sid MacKenzie

With the September stretch run to the playoffs set to begin, all eyes are on the football transaction column to determine exactly how the final preseason game has affected NFL rosters. A host of intriguing story lines with resurgent teams and superb players will be confined to the final five minutes of all SportsCenter programs in order to give Peyton Manning's shoelacing form the attention it so richly deserves.

A man who's not even Hines Ward

For the first time in decades, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a chance to make the playoffs behind MVP candidate Andrew McCutchen who is not Troy Polumalu or even Ben Rothlisberger and therefore not that important. Said McCutchen of his impressive year, "I'm really glad the Steelers are keeping Charlie Batch. He can be a solid back up if Rothlisberger's rotator cuff doesn't heal quite right. The Steelers should be back in business baby!"

Meanwhile in Baltimore, the Orioles stunning run towards dethroning the Yankees has turned heads away from Camden Yards and towards Insert Generic Bank Name Here Stadium. Manager Buck Showalter replied to questions of his team's staying power by saying: "Shut up! John Harbaugh is taking post-practice questions!"

As California braces for an epic month, with four teams in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Oakland all capable of making the playoffs, players and coaches alike just hope that either Randy Moss still catches the ball, Tyrelle Pryor proves the doubters wrong, or that the Jaguars move into a new downtown stadium.

A man who does not play for the Cowboys

The principal rival for the California baseball teams (a team that legend says is called the Texas Rangers) has vanished into a black hole of Cowboys fans, painting blue stars on their faces or stomaches and incessantly shouting: "HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!?!?"

In New York, the often insufferable New York Yankees fans have put away their pinstripes in order to more effectively obsess over the Giants and the Jets. Said one wide-eyed and giddy fan named Derek Jeter: "Ohmigod! Tim Tebow looked at me! He looked right at me!!"

A man who should probably
be throwing a football instead.

In an effort to capitalize on this absurdly popular/mind-numbingly dull part of the football season, a variety of other baseball teams have taken their own approaches to expressing their love for football. To boost ticket sales for a series against the rival Chicago White Sox (who do not play football), the Detroit Tigers (who also do not play football) drew 40,000 fans with the promise of a raffle for 2 Lions tickets. In Washington, Jayson Werth has officially changed his name to Robert Griffin III.5 and the Tampa Bay Rays have changed their team name to the Tampa Bay Buccanears (a less expensive generic football brand that may lead to a lawsuit from the NFL).

Reached for comment at his office in New York, baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, "We're just so excited that we can stop playing soon so that everyone can watch football in peace. Please, don't pay any attention to pennant races or Justin Verlander or Mike Trout, you'll simply encourage them to keep playing into October. Nobody wants that."

In other news, football will be starting soon.

Lessons from the All-Star Game

First and foremost we learned that Arizonians like to boo things, anything really: Ben Revere, Divisional Rivals, Non-Divisional Rivals, Yankees, Non-Yankees, adorable puppies, you name it and people in Arizona will boo it.

Second, Moneyball starring Brad Pitt comes out September 23rd.

Third, I learned that my father takes his prepositions very seriously. After LaVelle E Neal tweeted "Cliff Lee in for the Phillies", my father, looking over my shoulder said..."Actually, it should be Cliff Lee, of the Phillies coming in for the national league" and went on..."puts his toes on the rubber and serves up a gopher ball to Adrian Gonzalez of the Boston Red Sox for a solo home run, to put the American League on top 1 to 0." (Clearly I've inherited some nerdiness from the old man.

We also discovered that Justin Timberlake, was able to give voice to America's common rage and tossed a little smack talk at Joe Buck. "You're calling a great game Joe...just GREAT!" may replace "Heckuva Job Brownie!" as America's favorite sarcastic compliment. OH, also...Justin Timberlake has a movie coming out soon, but it will come out before Moneyball debuts in theatres September 23rd.

My mother learned of the existence of the MLB Fan Cave, but was thoroughly disappointed by the fact that it seems to be an all boys club. C'mon baseball, ladies like the sport too! So, Major League executives, please consider giving my mom a job in the Fan Cave next year. This would both make her happy and give all of America access to the excellent television of my mother knitting David Ortiz a hat, scolding Brian Wilson to shave his beard mid-interview, and wagging a finger at any player who disputes an ump.

Sixth, no one told Heath Bell that the All-Star Game was a serious business, so he slid into the mound while coming in to pitch. What do you think this is Heath Bell? Some kind of game?!?? What in the name "All-Star Game" would make you think that it was a "Game" to be "played" as though you were child-like and carefree?!?!? Seriously! Some people...

Seventh, Oh yeah...the NL won, their second all-star win in a row. After winning 2 of the last 3 World Series AND increasing their win total in interleague play for three straight years, it might be time to stop thinking of the National League as the inferior league.

And finally, even though he flew out on the first (and only) pitch he saw, Michael Cuddyer gave me a great idea for a new tv show. Cuddy would play a straight laced, All-American do-gooder doctors (with an adorable magic hobby) and Brian Wilson would play his wacky, goofball, nonsequitur-spouting, anti-establishment partner (who still gets results). I can see it now: THURSDAYS on TNT after Rizzoli & Isles and Franklin & Bash it's Cuddyer & Wilson...two men who play by their OWN RULES...and the rules of Major League Baseball! {It could even debut before the September 23rd release of Moneyball on September 23rd!)

The second half of the season starts tonight with the Twins taking on the Royals. And if you want to mull over the Twins chances to make the playoffs look no further than the next two weeks as the Twins will play 16 games against 4 teams, including 12 against Central Division rivals (all at home). And if you just want to sit back and watch baseball...well, you can do that too.

World Series Game 4: There's a Light at the End of the Tunnel CLOSE YOUR EYES!!

(Preface: I'm trying not to be as cranky as I have been in the past, so I'm just going to say this and this is going to fill my whining quota for the day: "Dear Fox, I know that subtlety isn't your strong suit, but I think even my niece could have paired "Monster Mash" and Aubry Huff's homerun...and she's 22 days old today. Please try to stretch your creativity. Love, Scruffy" Okay, complaint over)

One victory is all that stands between Los Gigantes and a title that has eluded them for half-a-century. And with many friends out San Francisco way, I do hope that they are happy with their team's performance thus far, truth be told, I'd be pretty happy for them if the won.

But I'm still not ready to say goodbye to baseball. Sure it's November, and its almost too cold to sit and watch baseball for three hours at a time; but the end of the season means that the game goes away for four cold sad months. And if it's all the same to you guys, I'd rather wait as long as possible before saying goodbye.

I know that for true Giants fans the trophy can't come soon enough, but for the rest of us, we could use just a few more days, just a little while longer, just three more games before we put the gloves in the closet and force ourselves to work on that thesis that's due in...holy cow...four months? C'MON BASEBALL!! HELP A GUY OUT!!

World Series Game 3: Effective Problem Solving

How do you get back into a series trailing two games to none? Have guys who have hit well throughout the rest of the season, hit well again.

How do you endure a third straight game of Joe Buck? Talk to your friend in Seattle and put the game on mute until the computer screen freezes and your spared any more inanity.

How do you convince your undergrad neighbors that they don't actually HAVE to turn up the bass while butchering their way through a game of Rock Band when you want to go to sleep?

....

No seriously, I'm asking: How do you convince your undergrad neighbors that they don't actually HAVE to turn up the bass while butchering their way through a game of Rock Band when you want to go to sleep?

World Series Game 2: Congratulations are in order

Congrats to Matt Cain and all the Giants fans who have found clever word plays to be made of that name ("Cain is Able!" "You Cain't Touch This!" "Beware the CandyCain forest and go home to your Gumdrop Mountains!"--okay that last one wasn't really there...but I'm not as smart as San Fransiscans.)

Congrats also to CJ Wilson, the Peanuts From Heaven favorite non-Minnesota pitching nerd. You pitched well...you deserve better than an L in the history books and we hope you get another shot at the big W.

And congrats to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver who proved once and for all that they could count: "That's the fifth straight ball.....six balls in a row....seven consecutive balls...and that's eight straight consecutive balls in a row!...NINE! etc." This of course took place during the disastrous eighth inning when, with two outs, the Texas bullpen became the gang that couldn't throw straight.

I wondered: what was the cause of this debacle? Could it be a release point problem? Over worked arms from last night? Changes in the strike zone throughout the game? Honestly, I have no idea because instead I was treated to Buck and McCarver impersonating The Count on Sesame Street. Thank god they didn't talk about batting averages ("Josh Hamilton is hitting: 1...2..etc, etc....345....346 with runners in scoring position!! bah-ah-ahhhhhhh!!!")

Here's hoping we have some thrilling games ahead (and that we don't have to say goodbye to baseball in a scant 4 games)

Your Guide to Surviving the New Yankpire Order #1

The day we have long dreaded has arrived: The New York Yankees are champions of the baseball world yet again. For 8 long years we were free from their tyranny, their smug aggrandizement, their infuriating sense of entitlement, but now, after a brief respite of peace and prosperity throughout the baseball land, all must genuflect and obey the commands of our new Yankpire overlords.

Sure, we probably should have seen this coming (whenever popular culture tells us that "Vampires are soooooooooooo hot right now" the Yankpires seem to make a comeback/with Obama in office the Republican voodoo against Yankpires was broken [last Republican president to witness a Yankees victory--Eisenhower]) but we all had hopes, we had dreams, and now we just have Tex, CC, A-Rod and Jeets (shudder).

So how do we, the humble NON-Yankpires survive? How can we avoid arousing the ire of Yankpires, their devoted legions of fans, and the media apparatus of Fox who hopes that this is the beginning of new dynasty, a rating resurgence and something slightly more onerous than Joe Buck himself?

In the coming weeks and months we here at Peanuts from Heaven will do our best to prepare you for the onslaught of Yankpires and Yankpire related hype which may make life difficult for A's, O's, Pirates, Cardinals, Sox of various colors and of course--the greatest people on earth--Twins fans.

Our first piece of advice comes from my little cousin, who will be known here as Home Run Nelson. Quoth the wise, wise 8 year old: "I just root for 'em. A lot of kids in school are talking about it. It's mostly Yankees..."

Though Home Run claims he's a Yankees fan, he confessed under the duress of his intensely pressurized elementary school environment. He just "roots for 'em" like a lot of people around him. So perhaps the best way to survive the Yankpire Empire (or Yankpirepire, if you will), is to pretend that you are hip to our new overlords, say "All hail Joe Girardi!" (but do so with your fingers crossed behind your back). Feel free to notice the tonnage of ESPN articles on "Yankees sign _______ in quest to repeat" but don't acknowledge, worry, or care about. To put it simply: swim down stream!

Possible side effects may include: accidental desire to become a Yankpire--if you exhibit any signs of Yankpiredom (including, but not limited to: a desire to wear thin undershirts with backwards baseball caps, repeated use of the phrase: "YO, PEDRO! WHO'S YER DADDY?!?", empathy for Scott Boras, or an insatiable desire for the blood of Blue Jays and Mariners) consult your local physican/exorcist.

We will attempt to post more advice when we are able, but as the semesters wind up (or down, or something) posts may be harder to squeeze in to rather frantic schedules. Nevertheless, stay strong loyal Peanuts, we will return to guide you.

I keeeeen't sten 'em!!!

The "'em" I refer to is one Joe Buck.

I just...I just can't...and I'm seeing news reports of how he's becoming appreciated...NO! NO NO NO NO!!!!! And so I present 13 reasons why Joe Buck makes puppies cry.

1. This is a man who admits to NOT LIKING BASEBALL! Yet he gets the job of telecasting it every, single, year.
2. He sounds so abysmally depressed in everything. ["Deep to right and...we're tied....I guess I have to keep announcing this thing until it ends....sigh...", "Game over! Series tied at a game a piece...god no, not more than 4 games?!?].
3. There's no excitement with anything. No pleasure, no delight, no child-like enthusiasm that other people have with the game.
4. He doesn't ask questions to further fan knowledge [which makes Tim McCarver seem like an irritating gnat chiming in with things that Buck couldn't care less about, and by association, neither should the fans]
5. He doesn't attempt to set the scene
6. He blathers during otherwise tense moments
7. and is stone silent during the lulls.
8. He obsesses over ridiculous details well past their relevancy
9. He seeks to blame people rather than praise them (Charlie Manuel's a fool for not sending the runners...maybe, just maybe, it was a damned good pitch to get the double play...)
10. He has a holier-than-thou attitude which makes errors seem like the behavior of an "untouchable" caste [unless your name starts with a "D" and ends with an "erek Jeter"]
11. And he can't get over the super-slo-mo method of replay. ["oh my goodness! an umpire got a very close play wrong, the world will come to an end!!!"--blown calls are tough (witness Mauer's double/foul ball) but on things as close as the double off double play...move on and hope it doesn't affect the game (which it didn't)]
12. He manages to plug everything in hyper-convoluted ways. Can't it be enough to say: "the Fox Business in Game Box Score shows" rather than "the Fox Business in Game Box Score, if you want to know more about business, or study market trends and tactics, turn to channel 354 in your digital cable package, shows..."? [I know other announcers do that, and am sure that's a Fox mandate, but you know, the only thing worse than commercials, is dour depressingly voiced commercials]
13. He manages to be ridiculously melodramatic over inconsequential things (as anyone who lived through the "Randy Moss pretending to pull down his pants is the worst thing in the history of the world" fiasco can attest)
14. He constantly seems to be dreaming about football--which would be fine--if he wasn't calling the most important series of baseball games of the entire year...BUT HE IS.

I understand that he's announcing royalty. I understand that now he's so familiar that he would be difficult to eject from that announcer seat. BUT PLEASE!!! Somebody! ANYBODY!

C'mon, Joe Buck, maybe you should do it yourself--spend more time with your kids, spend more time watching reality tv, spend more time anywhere, ANYWHERE! but in the booth of a baseball game. I'm sure that you are a kind, gentle and agreeable human being--go do that and leave baseball for the people who want to be there rather than those who are contractually obligated to do so. Move to England, claim Swine Flu as a defense, whatever you want! I will vouch for you!! PLEASE!!!!!!

Sincerely,

ScruffyRube

P.s. The Yankees won, but it was a tight game with some interesting moments that were bludgeoned to death by the--I'm not going to get mad...peace mantra, peace mantra, peace mantra--anyway. Series tied...hope we can get seven games...if only for the remote possibility that the reanimated corpses of Harry Kalas and Red Barber storm the booth on Halloween and send Joe Buck home.

P.p.s. Stinky and I have had a discussion: Pedro Martinez. Minnesota Twin? Thoughts?

P.p.p.s. Derek Jeter made a mistake...and admitted it!! I have new found respect for him...still fear him, his lack of a reflection and (probable) thirst for human blood, but I respect him too.

How do you like 'dem apples?

So game one of the world series...wow...

Not exactly what I expected.

I have to say, that after the high hopes and dashed dreams of the division and league championship series, I was only mildly convinced by baseball pundits that in this series, at long last, we had a battle worthy of "The Fall Classic".

The Yankees, I reasoned, were too big, too bad, too good to be denied. We made silly mistakes that we don't normally make, and because of those mistakes we turned three close games into three lost games. The Angels looked fantastic almost all season, and fought back, but just seemed petrified by the "cold" weather of New York City (40 degrees? Spare me!). The Phillies were from a league that both we and the Angels whooped this year, the Phillies could probably be rusty, and I could hear Joe Buck mentally crafting his panegyrics in honor of Derek Jeter's chin, Alex Rodriguez's eyes, and CC Sabathia's waist. (In my mind Joe Buck has Tiger Beat posters of all the Yankees inside his locker at Fox Studios.) What chance could the Phillies have against the Yankees AND Rupert Murdoch's golden boy?

Turns out a pretty damn good one.

And why? They field well, they hit well, they run well. We do those things too, we just don't do them against the Yankees...and why is that? Because we play scared, and they play confident. There is no better example of that than Cliff Lee's basket catch, a play which might live on in infamy (or might be seen as total overconfidence depending on the next few games). We tried to do everything so incredibly perfect that everyone would suddenly fall in love with us. The Phillies just went out and did it.

At least...they did last night...the rest of the series can be another issue entirely, and as a baseball fan I hope that it is. I hope the Yankees make a contest of it...and then lose. But, in case there is a Yankees fan on our site, I want to make one thing clear.

The reason I have a problem with the Yankees is the ideology of the team, the corp

orate philosophy, if you will. That's a phrase that makes no sense in the midwest where the game is meant to be played, enjoyed, suffered and savored: not to be used as a business to be won. What's more, when you win you should be proud, but not cruel to your opponents. As my mother said: "it's not that we lose...it's that they don't seem to acknowledge that we had a right to be on the same field. No one talks about how we 'gave 'em a good game', they just act like winning was something they were entitled to."

To that end, I am happy to point out a kind, decent, thoughtful set of Yankees fans over at "It's About the Money (stupid)"--which looks like a decent bunch of fans rather than blowhards, faithful devotees rather than furious militants, defenders of an economic philosophy rather than a imperialistic ideal. To wit: this post from Jason Rosenberg which critiques the kind of behavior that drives non-Yankee fans crazy.

Of course, if the Phillies stay the course, than this image from the New York Post may begin what is already formulating in my mind as possibly the best Baseball/horror schlock movie of all time.

Tonight, Pedro Martinez goes to the hill, which is awesome because when I was 7 years old, I saw Pedro Martinez play for the Great Falls Dodgers, my home town team. Weirdest of all...Pedro apparently still has a soft spot for Great Falls...Let's go PEDRO!

So THAT'S why postseason baseball is fun!

I knew that there was something great about playoff baseball, I just couldn't quite remember what it was.

Was it the awesomeness of Fox's coverage? No...that's not it, there certainly isn't much to be enjoyed in hearing Joe Buck and Tim McCarver gush and goo over every move that Derek Jeter makes. Seriously, guys, if you catch a relay, and see a baserunner caught between bags but leaning to second...YOU THROW THE BALL TO SECOND!!!! Jeter does it because he is intelligent, so is Erik Aybar, Jimmy Rollins, Orlando Cabrera, Nick Punto and just about EVERY OTHER MIDDLE INFIELDER IN THE PLAYOFFS!!! Just because they don't wear a Yankees uniform doesn't mean they wouldn't make the same intelligent plays when pressed. Stop kissing ass and call the game.

Was it A-Rod's cold, soulless eyes? No, they make for sadness in my soul. Them and Nick Swisher's rock signs, Joba Chamberlian's rope necklace, Mark Texiera's bolster cushion neck and every single word that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver say. STOP SPLITTING THE SCREEN IN HALF AND JUST ANNOUNCE WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!

I KNOW!! It's stranding runners in scoring position!! I love it when that happens, guy on third, no outs, that's great...oh, wait, no...no that's not it, that made me want to gouge out my own eyes with sporks.

Wait a second, something's coming back to me. I was watching with people! There was an Angels fan and a Yankees fan...but they were both polite, and insightful and intelligent. They were willing to let me swear and spout vitriol at the tv screen, and not take it personally. They loved their teams and knew them as intimately as I know the Twins.

The shivered and shook with the highs and the lows, the leads and the deficits, the comebacks and the fallbehinds. With each pitch and swing and catch and throw they twisted and turned and lived and died. And while I tried to remain objective, while I tried to be impartial and just appreciate the game I wanted the Angels to win. I wanted it for Adenhart. I wanted it for Torii. I wanted it because I didn't want it for the Yankees.

The camaraderie is what I miss so far from Minnesota, but I won't lie, the winning, the dramatic victory was great. And as Leslie declared her undying love for Jeff Mathis, and Jen sank back into the couch in despair, I realized that this is what matters. The camraderie, the unpredictability, and the excellence of the competition. That's what makes it a pleasure to watch, a pleasure to share. That's what makes it fun.

All-Star Update 2009!--Part 4

We pick up our live blogging at the top of the 7th

WOAH!! Albert Pujols just gave Adrian Gonzalez a very...friendly...hug. Save it for the shower boys.

Yikes! We are going to assume that Justin would prefer to not be at the all-star game, given how much he went fishing

Fun way to pass the time while hearing an overly vibrato-ed rendition of any song: do a full body enactment of the pitch wobbling up and down--if Smelly wasn't blogging and teaching, he would be a professional interpretive dancer

GREAT CATCH BY CARL CRAWFORD--though not if you listen to Tim "Debbie Downer" McCarver: "Oh these Carl Crawford's today! With their sagging pants, and their catching balls that would have hit off the top of the fence like they would have gone over the fence! They just don't know how it was back in the olden days the rassa-frassin-whippersnappers!!!!"

Dear Curtis Granderson, We are sorry we photoshopped a picture of you getting coldclocked by Honus Wagner. But you hit triples and are hella fast. Please do not hurt us. Sincerely, Peanuts from Heaven.

The Knitting Queen's list of creepiest things: 3) human heads on animal bodies 2) Kevin Youkilis' beard 1) Kevin Youkilis' batting stance (I agree on the third).

BLAGHERAGHERAGHERAG JOE NATHAN!!!!!!! YARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

We know that there's the whole charming story of the NL coming up in a big situation and a talented hitter who loves Cheese Steak Sandwhiches coming to the plate in his home town where he has great numbers with the tying and go ahead runs on base, but what about the story of Dread Pirate Joe Nathan being awesome? If you aren't going to tell that story Joe Buck you can shut up.

Did I mention FOX really, REALLY likes awkward close-ups of people's faces?

Did we mention that Joe Nathan is totally awesome and struck out Ryan Howard anyway? BLAGHERAGHERAGHERAGH!!!

Cool thing #42 about the all star game, even when you hit the ball well in an all-star game you have a 50/50 chance of getting robbed by a great catch--just like Morneau just did.

Our dear friend Gouger says: "Did you see Mauer's Double-Nathan's 8th-Morneaus shot for an out in the ninth?!? Go Mariano Rivera!--can't believe I said that."--we can't either.

Aaaaaaaaand...that'll do it. The AL won again, the Twins came up with some important plays including an RBI double to tie it and a crucial strike out to maintain the lead. Now it's time to continue the evening of indelible awesomeness with the midnight show of HARRY POTTER!!!

Peace out.

All-Star Update 2009!--Part 3

More observations from the fourth through the sixth

Damn - I was really hoping we were going to get a more extensive description of the Dominos regionally flavored pizzas.

If there's one way to help a guy get over a social anxiety disorder, it's to talk about it CONSTANTLY. Cause you know, that's very helpful.

Swelling music = heartwarming, swelling music containing banjos = brainweirding

Let's just take a moment here to imagine how fast Carl Crawford would run if he pulled is pants up. Joe Buck did.

I never thought I'd be happy to see Derek Jeter cross home plate--but when it means that Mauer just drove in the tying run: HOT DAMN DEREK JETER!!!

Mr. PoopyPants on the All-Star Game: "ALBERT! ALBERT! ALBERT!!"

Edwin Jackson threw four pitches. What a fine young man he is, not like those lousy Carl Crawfords now-a-days, with the loud music and the sagging pants, it just makes me SICK INSIDE!

Wow--Chase Utley--Wow

Wow--The worst commercial in the world has just been aired--apparently if you have 8 dimes you can buy a taco with meat that is good enough for dogs, then watch breakdancing midgets, bathe yourself in dimes, and roll down the cul de sacs with your hoes.--Wow

Tim McCarver is pouting that he hasn't been tweeted by Joe Buck...awkward relationships come to light

? Jason Bartlett or Ben Zobrist--make up your mind Fox ?

Bald guy! Who the heck was that??!? What the eff????

Back with more after the ninth

All-Star Update 2009!--Part 2

Observations in the first three innings

*Rarely do we feel bad for a Yankee--but stinks to be Jeter when you get hit like that
*Not the best hit for Mauer--but we'll take it (helped that he was running hard)
*Pujols made a mistake?--Are pigs flying?
*Tim McCarver does not know what an I-Beam is, I may rethink my decision to hire Idiot Play-By-Play Announcer Construction Company.
*This just in Roy Halladay WILL BE TRADED
*Stinky likes the way Ichiro twirling his bat, he looks like he's preparing for a Katana fight.
*Barack Obama just took a dig at the Nationals, making him the highest ranking trash talker EVER
*Additionally, Barack Obama is a better sports commentator than Joe Buck. Not that this is a difficult accomplishment. I'm just saying.
*This just in Roy Halladay WILL BE EATEN BY TIGERS
*Wait, once Obama threw a first pitch for the White Sox they didn't lose for the rest of the year?--It's Obama's fault they won a championship?
*Ryan Franklin's goatee makes him look like Mr. Tumnus.
*This just in Roy Halladay WILL BE SENT TO PURGATORY WHERE DANTE AND VIRGIL WILL LAUGH AT HIS LIFE IN TORONTO

More after the 6th

All-Star Update 2009!

Since last year, some things have changed, some things remain the same, but the one thing that will never change is that Joe Buck is the most horrible sports commentator of all time ever. Therefore we will use this opportunity to mock him as much as possible.

Questions before the game even starts:
- is all this hooplah really necessary?
- is such swelling, dramatic music really necessary?
- is Derek Jeter's existence on the planet really necessary?
- is Joe Buck about to tell Stan Musial that he loves him?
- does Barack Obama count as a White Sox all-star?
- is there anything funnier than Ichiro Suzuki's face while meeting Barack Obama? (Seriously-it's a combination of awkward first date and discovering he is a wizard)
- does anything not have corporate sponsorship?
- wouldn't this whole thing be easier if we just used the Peanuts from Heaven all-star introduction video?

AND HOW DID THAT TAKE 40 FLIPPIN' MINUTES?

Some thoughts...

Sadly, after the awesomeness of Friday and Mozart and 12 runs we have now been forced to confront the sadness of a shutout defeat.

As usual this sadness has been wrought by the evilness of Fox broadcasters. Last year, when the Twins played on Fox Saturday Baseball, in front of a (semi) national audience they would become flummoxed and fail...this year started in in a similar manner, with Mark Grace and Thom Brennaman ruining our trip to Chicago.

During this desperately desolate game a few thoughts occurred to your loyal authors.

1) Leaving Runners on Base=not so good--It's not that the White Sox were exceptionally better than us today, it was just that they were exceptionally better at getting runners who were on base to come in and score. We could have tied the game, if  we had hit the ball...also we might have won the game if we had thrown or caught the ball better...but we'll save that for tomorrow's INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS ADVICE post.

2) Football=stupid--I'm going to explain this simply to you Fox. Just because people wear football jerseys and enjoy football, doesn't mean it's a relevant topic during a baseball game. You know what's relevant to a baseball game? BASEBALL.

3) Luis Ayala=good--we approve of this.

4) Corgies=Better than Corky's--FIE ON YOU CORKY MILLER!!! FIE I SAY!!

5) Fox=obsessed with boobs.--Their network programming obsesses over busty women, sports programming, over guys without shirts on. One gentleman with a torso ample enough for two chest paint letters (the "GO" in "GO SOX") was featured more prominently than Ron Gardenhire (maybe if Gardy managed shirtless....). We could also mention Thom and Mark's obsession with the fitness and good looks of the "S" and "X"...but we'll be professional.

So Saturday stunk. But it was Fox's fault. Sunday will be wonderful, I promise.

Enough of this...

In a startling and beautiful moment of clarity, I have made a command decision.

I am better at analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. My parents are better at analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. My dog is better than analyzing baseball than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver (and, as he's been dead for two years, that's quite an accomplishment).

In this spirit I'm proud to bring you the analyses of myself, Mr. No Ass, and the Knitting Queen.

*Pregame*

SR: "Following after Tim McCarver's analysis, that the key to victory for the Phillies, is to keep winning games, I would suggest that the key to victory for the Rays is to stop losing."

*1st Inning*

NA: "C'mon! Longoria tagged Rollins out!!"

KQ: "Yeah, I can tell by that picture of the glove half-way up his butt!"

SR: "Fox has to make sure they've got something sexual on at least once an hour."

KQ: "Are they sure they can't get any closer than this?"

NA: "Then we'd be looking at his colon."

*2nd Inning*

NA: "America's other favorite past time?"

SR: "American Idol."

NA: "Pbbbbbbt!"

*3rd Inning*

NA: "Hey, Rays, any time you want to take some pitches, that would be good."

KQ: "It must be a strategy."

NA: "Not a very good one.

KQ: "Just wait, maybe it will be a good strategy..."

NA: "Isn't part of a good strategy, changing it when it doesn't work?"

KQ: "Oh. Yeah."

*4th Inning*

[Crawford connects]

NA: That's gone.

SR: That's gone.

Joe Buck: It's gone.

KQ: What just happened?

...later...

SR: The Rays are just going to keep pitching Howard away, until he proves he can hit it to left

[Howard hits a massive three run home run to left]

NA: He just proved it.

*5th Inning*

Shane Victorino on mic: "I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it!"

KQ: "NO YOU DON'T!"

[Victorino catches it]

KQ: "shoot."

*6th Inning*

SR: "I might complain about his strike zone, but this umpire's strike out call..."

NA: "Yeah, it's emphatic."

SR: "I'm a little afraid he may knock out a left handed hitter with that uppercut."

*7th Inning*

[After two pitching switches]

SR: "The line-up for the Rays goes lefty, righty, lefty, lefty...would you leave the left handed reliever in to face all four?"

NA: "hunh?"

SR: "Did you fall asleep?"

NA: "..."

SR: "Dad?"

NA: "li'l bi-" [Pause...Snore]

*8th Inning*

Joe Buck: "You could make the argument that Pena's foot is about to come off the bag when they double Feliz off of first."

KQ: "Yes you could...if you were stupid!!"

*9th Inning*

[After a minor throwing error]

KQ: "That's the start of a comeback!"

[Two outs later]

KQ: "I guess not"

*Key Insights of the Game*

SR: The Rays need to be patient.

KQ: You can't win if you don't hit.

NA: [Snore]

A battle for the soul of baseball

I hesitate to write a World Series post about something that's not the World Series...but I'm going to do it anyway because I am my own editor and pbbbbbt!

While the Phillies and Rays' games have been back and forth battles there's something else that's been bothering me. Something that starts with a "J" and ends with an "oe Buck".

I've said before that Tweedle Dumbass irritates me. Last night was no exception. While Jamey Moyer pitched quite well for a man who can now collect AARP benefits, and the Rays defense kept an erratic Garza in the game, Mr. Buck's started telling us the story of Matt Garza's confrontation with Dionner Navarro, then veering off on a tangent about Eva Longoria, then giving a pitch count, then telling us that 24 Redemption is "OUTSTANDING" (what a shock!), then giving Ryan Howard's statistics, then urging us to watch football, and then finishing the Garza story, just 4 short innings later. Just so you know Dumbass, any time you want to call the game, that's okay too.

For a while I found sweet, sweet relief. I turned on the radio and heard San Francisco Giants announcers (Jon Miller and Joe Morgan) call a couple innings. They talked about things like the strategy for hitting against a fastball specialist like Matt Garza, and the effect of the Jamey Moyer's change-up on young Rays hitters. Unfortunately, my parents didn't like the time delay between seeing something, and hearing it called on the radio.

This begged the question: why don't I have magic powers that can eliminate the time delay between television and radio? Since I can't answer that one, I'll ask another: why do we have the worst announcers in the game, for the biggest games in the season? Why must we be forced to have Joe Buck and Tim McCarver in our home for three weeks a year, like the unwanted Mounds bar halloween candy you buy on sale November first?

The answer, of course, is money. Fox pays baseball top dollar, so Fox gets to show the Series. FOX pays 466 Million Dollars each year to broadcast one game a week and two rounds of the playoffs. But baseball ratings have dropped precipitously ever since Fox took over, with this years ratings marking the lowest ebb yet and since Fox took over World Series ratings have gone, down...down...down. 

Why all this has happened, no one can quite explain: some point the finger at the networks forgetting to advertise baseball until October (I don't know if I'd like to see Justin Morneau on American Idol...but it would probably juice up the ratings), others say that it's the lack of major markets in the World Series (but the Yankees/Mets Series in 2000 got the lowest ratings of all time--until two years later, when the Angels were in it).

I say it's the announcers. If you give a lousy product to enough people, eventually they're not going to want it (Of course, I said the same thing about the Scary Movie Franchise...and those guys must be bazillionaires by now). If the announcers don't make watching the game even more enjoyable, you have to be a serious fan to endure it. Witness: the first three pages of a google search and Buck and McCarver yields nothing positive, but dozens of "fire these idiots" petitions.

So let me make a suggestion baseball: void your contract with Fox and move things over to ABC (which owns ESPN and thus would own the sport). They already pay 200 Million, plus Fox's 400 means you can get more than 600 Million Dollars, let's say: 624,375,000. 

Why that amount? 

Because if you take away $24,375,000, you'd still have the richest television contract in the history of baseball, and you'd be able to pay for one day of free admission for every major league team as an apology for the '94 strike, rampant steroid use, Buck and McCarver, and those hideous Futuristic Jerseys from the late 90's. 

You'd make thousands of average baseball fans happy and give yourself a huge PR bump. Add in an inning or two of announcing for local fans at home from your new premier announcers (say: Hall of Famers Bob Ueker, Tony Gwynn, and oughta-be-hall-of-famer Bert Blyleven), and you suddenly have made a move that makes baseball a topic of conversation throughout America, whether they are sports fans or not. Make yourself the sport for fans, the sport that gives back, the sport that admits mistakes and make yourself the sport everyone likes.

That would be awesome; but almost completely inconceivable. So Tweedle Dum will keep giggling like a teenager in health class at anything remotely amusing, and Tweedle Dumbass will keep whining about every umpire call like a teenager doing health class homework. And ratings will keep dropping.

But owners will keep getting money. And isn't that what matters?

Oh...wait...no it's not. A back and forth ball game, with home runs, scrappy plays and a walk off...whatever that was for the Phillies...that's what matters. 

Game 2 Random Thoughts

As an observer free from vested interests, I'm rather enjoying simply watching good baseball and letting my mind wander. Here now, random musings from my time spent watching game 2.

***

Fox spent a good deal of time discussing Rocco Baldelli, once the Rays greatest player, then a man crippled by injuries and a vague mitochondrial abnormality. Baldelli still hits reasonably well but can't play defense nearly as well as he once did. But Fox is discussing the post-injury training behavior. Saying proudly: "He has mastered the art of swallowing a handful of pills at a time."

Is it just me, or does that laudatory comment, tacitly endorse ingesting gobs of painkillers?{Probably not, but I don't like Fox...so, for the sake of humor, let's say they did}

***

Oh, joy! Tim McCarver and Joe Buck [aka Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass] can finally examine an umpire's call in excruciating detail, pointing out the foolishness of calling a strike, then appealing to first base, then reversing the call, and then destroying the very fabric of our society.

Sadly, the ump was wrong, and did make a bad call...but I'm afraid I'm not mature enough to say: "Tim and Joe were r----; were righ-" see, I even vomit in my mouth when I write it.

***

Tweedle Dumbass is now promising us an honest review of "24" if we just tune in to game 3.

Wait a second...you're using a promotion of another program, to promote the program which will do the promoting?!? 

In that spirit I hope you all read Kristina's next post, and then, my next post, in which I will give you an exclusive review of Kristina's post.

***

Jason Bartlett just got an RBI on a bunt to make it 4 to 0. And somewhere a pirannaha is gnashing its teeth in joy.

***

Wow, good play by Baldelli, doubling off the runner one a liner with one out. Clearly "mastering the art of swallowing a handful of pills," can make one a better ball player. Maybe more players should swallow handfuls of pills?

***

Why is it that annoying promotional gimmicks turn up in the World Series? Rally Monkeys. Thunder Stix. Now the cowbell, the ubiquitous trinket every Tampan/Saint Petersberghian clutches and shakes during rallies. The incessant clatter may officially kill all humor I once found in the phrase: "I've got to have more cowbell." Curse you Tampa/St. Pete!! CURSE YOU!

***

Wow...I haven't said anything about the Phillies. Hmmm...okay, here's something, my older brother once lived with Pat Burrell's cousin.  And I'm guessing that both my brother and Pat Burrell's cousin, would be as effective with runners in scoring position as the Phillies have been...which is to say: not at all. 

***

Penetrating analysis from Tweedle Dum: "Trailing by four runs in the seventh, ahead in the count 2-0, Jimmy Rollins should take here, and he probably will, but he might not."

Allow me to analyze a little: "Dan Wheeler has just run the count full, so he wants to throw a strike here, but he might not do it, in which case it would be a ball." 

PAYCHECK PLEASE!!

***

The English teacher in me takes issue with MLB's legal disclaimer. "This game is broadcast through the authority of the office of the commissioner of baseball." I'm want to circle it in red and write: You're on a Preposition Safari: REVISE!!!

***

Last night my boss asked: "why would any parent ever allow or encourage their 7 year old child to have a blue mohawk?" I told him, "because baseball is awesome and photos of your small child being stupid are great for embarrassment in later years." Just ask my parents about my "Boston Heights Dairy Dudes" Little League Rookie Card. {Or any of my prom dates...if they haven't suppressed the memories through shock therapy.}

***

Another bad call, and the Tweedles might just break down crying. It's basically like having the drunk guys who sit behind you at the game on national TV. "Yurr an eediot. Yah, stupid...I'll kill ya, but I need another one first, ya dirty rotten...OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG!!"

***

As the Tweedles foam at the mouth, and dance the night away the Rays have won, tying the series and sending us to the city of brotherly love for games this weekend. And if you've learned anything from reading this post...I'm supremely disappointed in you, and myself.