I've decided, if the playoffs continue to suck (they probably will), that instead of writing about the actual games I will write about what total D-bags the Yankees are. If you have a problem with this, please read the disclaimer at the bottom of this blog. I keep my promises.
Here's a note from Jayson Stark, to help remind us why we hate the Yankees so much:
"When you're built to win it all, paid to win it all, ordered to win it all, there isn't much worse in life than not winning it all. So it's been a rough nine years in the Bronx.
In those nine seasons, since the last time they won, the Yankees have laid out (you might want to sit down for this) nearly 1.8 billion in negotiable Steinbrenner-family payroll dollars -- that's more than double the Gross National Product of Liberia -- for teams that have won only one more postseason series in that time than the Marlins."
Jim Caple also asserts that "rooting agains the Twins is like rooting against the Rebel Alliance of Habitat for Humanity." I love the Star Wars reference because, of course, the Yankees are the evil empire.
But here is the best, douchest Yankee story of all - and the reason why Yankee fans are just as easy to hate as the Yankpires themselves.
It is a scientific fact that the only two things that will draw the attention and wrath of the total knobs I mean Yankees Fans are 1) Blood of Kevin Youkilis and 2) making fun of their idols.
So it's really no surprise that, as Scruffy sat in his classroom, innocently wearing his "Yankees Suck (because they are vampires)" shirt while waiting to learn about how to enrich the lives of small children, an especially douchey Yankee fan happened to stroll by his classroom window.
Evidence of Asshattery:
1) Pointed through the window and mouthed "YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!!" while gesturing wildly at the Yankees logos on his hat/t-shirt/underwear (ok i don't actually know that for a fact, but it's not really a stretch).
2) Pounded his chest. I shit you not.
3) After he'd walked away, he actually took the time out of his busy schedule to COME BACK TO THE WINDOW LATER IN THE GAME, holding a sign that said "6-2 Yankees."
Plus, Scruffy's classmates informed him that Douchface was skulking nearby for a good long time. "Dude, I think he wants to fight you."
Here is my response.
Congratulations, sir. You have reminded me exactly why Yankee fans are the most lame-ass excuses for human beings on the planet. (I hope nobody actually reads the disclaimer too carefully, or I'm going to be backing a LOT of cookies tomorrow...)
Two highlights in the gloom - I watched the game with the lovely Betsy of "For the Love of the Game." We waved Homer Hankies....which didn't seem to actually help very much. The second highlight was Nick Punto, being Nicky P. and being awesome.
Another literal highlight was Francisco Liriano's blingin' necklace - the hilarity of which quickly dimmed when he walked into the game and immediately gave up a home run.
God I hope we win on Friday.
In case we don't, I invite everyone to please suggest possible blog topics that are not "Game 2 of the ALDS in which the Twins yet again get spanked"