I want to vomit in fury!

I am so mad right now that the only recourse I can think of is to vomit all over the City of New York. Vomit on Mark Texeira, vomit on Alex Rodriguez, vomit on Kate Hudson, Ray’s Famous Pizza, the Metropolitan Opera, Central Park, 5th Avenue, Broadway, Time Square, the statue of liberty VOMIT! AND NEVER SAY SORRY!!!

That was awful, just awful and it’s not our fault, we did everything we could, its’ these Yankees, and its the city, and its the medias ceaseless love affair with everything they say and do and think. The announcers sound like they have Derek Jeter “Tiger Beat” posters up in their lockers. The sportswriters sound like they just go all gooey every time Mariano Rivera looks their way. They treat us like an unwanted interloper, not even a third wheel, we’re a 19th wheel on the 18-wheel all-powerful force that is Yankee Nation.

I wouldn’t mind so much if we really sucked. I mean, if we were like Orioles bad, or even Royals bad. Because then there’s absolutely no expectation, none at all. But we’re good, and we can compete, we lose by scant margins, we’re undone by one bad pitch, or one bas running gaffe, or in tonight’s case one god-awful idiotic utterly totally horribly blown umpire’s call.

Sure Gogo, Delmon and Brendan didn’t hit when the bases were loaded and nobody was out...but if Mauer had been on second base like he should have been...BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That’s what you get Yankees, and that’s what you deserve.

I love the Twins, and I’ll love them even if we get swept, but I want the world to make sense, I want things to be logical--how is it possible that we can be another team’s equal, that we can play them evenly, we can match them pitch for pitch and run for run and always keep all the games competitive and yet lose EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM? It’s statistically anomalous. It’s utterly absurd. There should be an average, and equilibrium, maybe not that we win as many games but that we win nearly as many games--3 out of 10, 4 out of 10...something...instead we’ve played 9 games against the Yankees this year and lost....all of them...ARE YOU LISTENING MATHEMATICAL FORCES OF NATURE?!?!?!?! MAKE THINGS COME OUT MORE EVENLY!!!!!!!!

Tell you what, I think we should win 30% of our games against the Yankees...but I’ll be nice, I’ll say that we should only win 25% of our games against the Yankees...for that average to be reached, oh Mathematical Forces of Nature (you beautiful, beautiful system you), we will need to win, and win, and win again...then it’ll be 3/12...25%...The Yankees would still win the season series, but some justice would be restored in the universe.

Please mathematical forces of nature...I beg of you, regress to the mean....help the world makes sense again...I’ll give you a cookie? Will that please you? PLEASE?

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