I keeeeen't sten 'em!!!

The "'em" I refer to is one Joe Buck.

I just...I just can't...and I'm seeing news reports of how he's becoming appreciated...NO! NO NO NO NO!!!!! And so I present 13 reasons why Joe Buck makes puppies cry.

1. This is a man who admits to NOT LIKING BASEBALL! Yet he gets the job of telecasting it every, single, year.
2. He sounds so abysmally depressed in everything. ["Deep to right and...we're tied....I guess I have to keep announcing this thing until it ends....sigh...", "Game over! Series tied at a game a piece...god no, not more than 4 games?!?].
3. There's no excitement with anything. No pleasure, no delight, no child-like enthusiasm that other people have with the game.
4. He doesn't ask questions to further fan knowledge [which makes Tim McCarver seem like an irritating gnat chiming in with things that Buck couldn't care less about, and by association, neither should the fans]
5. He doesn't attempt to set the scene
6. He blathers during otherwise tense moments
7. and is stone silent during the lulls.
8. He obsesses over ridiculous details well past their relevancy
9. He seeks to blame people rather than praise them (Charlie Manuel's a fool for not sending the runners...maybe, just maybe, it was a damned good pitch to get the double play...)
10. He has a holier-than-thou attitude which makes errors seem like the behavior of an "untouchable" caste [unless your name starts with a "D" and ends with an "erek Jeter"]
11. And he can't get over the super-slo-mo method of replay. ["oh my goodness! an umpire got a very close play wrong, the world will come to an end!!!"--blown calls are tough (witness Mauer's double/foul ball) but on things as close as the double off double play...move on and hope it doesn't affect the game (which it didn't)]
12. He manages to plug everything in hyper-convoluted ways. Can't it be enough to say: "the Fox Business in Game Box Score shows" rather than "the Fox Business in Game Box Score, if you want to know more about business, or study market trends and tactics, turn to channel 354 in your digital cable package, shows..."? [I know other announcers do that, and am sure that's a Fox mandate, but you know, the only thing worse than commercials, is dour depressingly voiced commercials]
13. He manages to be ridiculously melodramatic over inconsequential things (as anyone who lived through the "Randy Moss pretending to pull down his pants is the worst thing in the history of the world" fiasco can attest)
14. He constantly seems to be dreaming about football--which would be fine--if he wasn't calling the most important series of baseball games of the entire year...BUT HE IS.

I understand that he's announcing royalty. I understand that now he's so familiar that he would be difficult to eject from that announcer seat. BUT PLEASE!!! Somebody! ANYBODY!

C'mon, Joe Buck, maybe you should do it yourself--spend more time with your kids, spend more time watching reality tv, spend more time anywhere, ANYWHERE! but in the booth of a baseball game. I'm sure that you are a kind, gentle and agreeable human being--go do that and leave baseball for the people who want to be there rather than those who are contractually obligated to do so. Move to England, claim Swine Flu as a defense, whatever you want! I will vouch for you!! PLEASE!!!!!!

Sincerely,

ScruffyRube

P.s. The Yankees won, but it was a tight game with some interesting moments that were bludgeoned to death by the--I'm not going to get mad...peace mantra, peace mantra, peace mantra--anyway. Series tied...hope we can get seven games...if only for the remote possibility that the reanimated corpses of Harry Kalas and Red Barber storm the booth on Halloween and send Joe Buck home.

P.p.s. Stinky and I have had a discussion: Pedro Martinez. Minnesota Twin? Thoughts?

P.p.p.s. Derek Jeter made a mistake...and admitted it!! I have new found respect for him...still fear him, his lack of a reflection and (probable) thirst for human blood, but I respect him too.