Cliff Notes Guide to the 2014 Twins: The Insistent Out of Tune/Of a Broken Violin on an August Afternoon

Chs. 4-5: July and August

The fledgling, flickering hope alive in the hearts of the Twins and their fans at the end of June was doused with the frigid realization of inadequacy. The pivotal moment established by the previous chapters' foreshadowing was for the "All-Star Game" to be held in the middle of July. 

Yay! The Party's Over!!

In hosting the party, the Twins had their moment to seize relevance and prominence, to rise up to a stature and status which has so frequently seemed out of their reach. When they threw the doors open to their guests they were confronted with the truth that they cannot hope to compete with the shining stars of the baseball firmament.

Like Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby or the Narrator in Proust's In Search of Lost Time the Twins are party-goers without an ounce of composure or self-reliance. Hidden away in a corner of their stadium until the final moments, they emerge just in time to see the celebration end. Yet when everyone leaves, the team collapses into a disheartened funk. Pulling themselves out of the doldrums to win just 3 of the next 10 games, leaving their fans disappointed and the team itself broken.

But, in a cruel twist of fate, the team is not allowed to creep back into anonymity, awaiting another spring and fresh start. Instead they are subjected to an extended August road trip, through the repeated self-flagellation of sporadic hitting and consistently implosive pitching. Moments of triumph (including an outburst of 32 runs against a vaunted Tigers team) are tempered by the now blatantly inverted hierarchy of the team's past glory, as former fools and patsies the Kansas City Royals repeatedly batter the squad.

Character Development

Kendrys Morales/Sam Fuld/Kevin Correia/Josh Willingham--These chapters are often paired together because they feature the departures of four previously significant characters. Each of these characters was fraught with contradictions that are both enticing to some readers and maddening to others (witness the previously mentioned Morales and his dualism: i.e. symbol of contender status/presence on a losing team). Tellingly, when each character exits the team clubhouse these moments aren't regarded with celebration, despair, or even much surprise. Instead they appear to be the annual sacrifices to whatever deity drives Twins' Baseball operations: a constant memento mori for their teammates and a simple transaction to their fans.

Bam-Bam & Dan-San

Kennys Vargas/Danny Santana--While all the fixation on veterans around the trade deadline, and in the departure gates of the Minnesota airports serves to bring a glowering gloom over everyone, two of the most prominent replacements offer hope and opportunity. Kennys Vargas and Danny Santana (substituting in for Kendrys Morales/Sam Fuld respectively) also feature prominently in this volume's awareness of cultural differences, shifting the clubhouse away from non-descript veteran white guys to young latino players, a mirroring of the nation's demographics as a whole.

Trevor May--While Vargas and Santana emerge as options within the line-up, May is an intriguing study in the cyclical nature of expectations and reactions. Prior to the expulsion of Correia, a great many fans were clamoring for May's ascendency to the major league roster. Upon his arrival, May sputters, gags, and behaves precisely as you would expect an uncertain young man to behave. In his (admittedly small) sample of performance, he appears to be every bit the mockable man that the aforementioned Correia was, providing the clearest link between this team and the second section of TS Eliot's "Portrait of a Lady"--from which the title came.

Kurt Suzuki--The other figure with the clearest gain from these two months is new catcher Kurt Suzuki. One of the two Twins to attend the aforementioned awkward all-star party, Suzuki parlayed his early success to fondness from fans and a long term contract. However, these moments of growth and personal victory are balanced by the knowledge that many other longer-term Twins signing (including the recently departed Willingham) have collapsed.

Key Quotes/Stats Explained
Cumulative WAR for Morales/Fuld/Correia/Willingham-- 1.1 
Cumulative WAR for Vargas/Santana/May/Schafer-- 2.7

WAR (or Wins Above Replacement) is often the go to quote/stat for fans to trot out, yet the creation of the number is a rather complicated and differ depending on which equation (or translation of the equation you cite).

Generally speaking, things that positions players do to create runs (including drawing walks, getting various kinds of hits, and stealing bases) are multiplied by their relative weight or importance (home runs matter more than singles, etc.) and adjusted in relationship to their position on the field (with center fielders/short stops getting greater credit than first basemen and DHs). Those positive numbers are compared to the average player in the league to create a viable means of judging one player against another.  [Meanwhile pitchers are judged almost entirely on preventing runs, largely through runs allowed during their innings pitched]. While the best players might have a +8 WAR, the average starter would be around 2, while the average bench player would be between 0 and 1.9

Within these chapters the Twins removed four players from consistent play and gave their time to four others. The four who left totaled 1.1 (though Kendrys Morales' -0.7 pulled that down significantly), while the four who stepped up totaled 2.7 (again undermined by Trevor May's -0.9). The broad take away is that, even though it does not translate into immediate results in the "win column", this shift is for the best for the Twins and their team. However, the net gain amongst hitters (+2.5) fails to compensate for the net loss from Correia to May (-0.7).

Literary Term to Impress your Teacher/Attractive English Major Friend:

Mmm...that's a good pastiche

Our recent literary and cultural history has leaned heavily on satire and parody. The Daily Show uses satire to deliver a pointed critique on common styles of tv news programs. The "Scary Movie" franchise uses parody to expand on cliches and tropes in horror movies to the point of making them explode in absurdity. But the Twins' use neither of these, preferring instead to use pastiche, which again uses styles and habits of others, but does so for the purpose of honoring and complimenting the initial creator, rather than mocking them. Like TS Eliot--whose "Portrait of a Lady" poem builds off of Henry James, Christopher Marlowe and Jules Lafourge--these chapters of the Twins' 2014 season pay homage to the wealth of talented athletes who played on the field during the all-star game, and the restarted franchises who regained their talent through creative destruction.

What I Learned from the 2014 All Star Game

I'm surprised to note that I have not blogged about an al-star game in three years. Not in Kansas City, nor in New York. Maybe I was actually off living my life. But with the game in the Twin Cities, I was eager to both celebrate the festivities in person, and watch the game (with all the excellent athletes and irritating announcers that come along with it).

Here's what I learned.

Atmosphere > Imagine Dragons--I'm not much of a musical person, but I have to say that going to the All-Star weekend concert (free courtesy of Mrs. Peanut's work connections) was much more enjoyable for Atmosphere's presence rather than Imagine Dragons. However, for future reference major touring pop bands that play all-star games (because I know you all read my blog), if you want to make fans forever, play a personalized version of that team's "song". If Imagine Dragons had played "We're Gonna Win Twins"...or even the first 8 measures, I'd have been a fan for life.

My mom makes interesting bets--Rather than predict or argue over silly inconsequential things in the baseball game, like who will win, or how they'll score, my mother had a fun time predicting exactly what stupid things singers would do during All-Star Festivities. Singing for a living has that effect, and though the exact number of trills, flats, sharps, and unfortunate breath marks were never exactly cross-referenced with any website, it was good fun to bet on it never the less.

Even body language is tough for Joe

Joe Buck Can't Read--My father prefers to channel his baseball watching towards the announcers. Usually, this involves rolling his eyes at Bert or clapping along with Dick Bremer, but when the national announcers call the game it involves total exasperation with Joe Buck, who doesn't seem to understand that it's a good idea to read a scorecard while calling a game to cover simple things like: the teams, who's batting, the score and which inning it is. But by god he can say "cold Coors Light" better than any other announcer in history so, he'll keep on announcing until we're all old and gray.

Alcohol Helps--Speaking of cold Coors Lights...I don't drink them. But I do drink other things, and when subjected to Joe Buck, I encourage others to do the same.

John Bonnes/Nick Nelson Help--Speaking of drinking, special kudos to Twins Daily peoples for hosting a fantastic happy hour at Mason's on Monday night. Attending with the better half of the blogging duo (Mrs. Peanut/Stinky/Kristina) we were treated to beer and cheery conversation--even if John doesn't approve of Little Big League like we do, it was nice to talk to fellow nerds.

Everyone has a connection to Derek Jeter--Speaking of nerds, did you know that Derek Jeter's not a nerd? Did you know that Derek Jeter has known Derek Jeter all of his life? Let's see if Derek Jeter would sit down for a candid interview with Derek Jeter to discuss how Derek Jeter Derek Jetered Derek Jeter. (Any more broadcasts like this Fox and I think he's legally allowed to file a restraining order)


We need to love water more than oil--Fans at the game spotted a sign above the jumbotron around the fourth inning, and Twitter responded as it usually does, with one giant "#WTF?!?!" Still, point taken giant sign, I'll stop cuddling my own personal barrel of crude oil and start snuggling with an 8 pack of Evian.

Local Boys Done Good--Glen Perkins got the save, Kurt Suzuki had a nice relaxing day in the bullpen catching other guys and Pat Neshek...well...maybe we shouldn't mention Neshek as he took the loss. But he did make it to the All-Star game by a far more circuitous route than any of us would have expected when he was on the final ballot 7 years ago. So in a truly Minnesotan spirit let's just say "good for him."

Minnesotans Don't Like Loud Noises--Fireworks went boom, we were upset, that's all that really needs to be said.

Mike "Derek Jeter" Trout wins the
Derek Jeter award for Derek Jetering

Mike Trout is Good at Baseball--Unfortunately, when he makes his retirement tour the first question he'll be asked was "how did it feel to win the All-Star Game MVP in Derek Jeter's final season?"

So we're on to the second half, and with the World Cup done I might actually blog more frequently! Oh wait, school starts in a month...well, it'll be a fun month at least.

Lessons from the All-Star Game

First and foremost we learned that Arizonians like to boo things, anything really: Ben Revere, Divisional Rivals, Non-Divisional Rivals, Yankees, Non-Yankees, adorable puppies, you name it and people in Arizona will boo it.

Second, Moneyball starring Brad Pitt comes out September 23rd.

Third, I learned that my father takes his prepositions very seriously. After LaVelle E Neal tweeted "Cliff Lee in for the Phillies", my father, looking over my shoulder said..."Actually, it should be Cliff Lee, of the Phillies coming in for the national league" and went on..."puts his toes on the rubber and serves up a gopher ball to Adrian Gonzalez of the Boston Red Sox for a solo home run, to put the American League on top 1 to 0." (Clearly I've inherited some nerdiness from the old man.

We also discovered that Justin Timberlake, was able to give voice to America's common rage and tossed a little smack talk at Joe Buck. "You're calling a great game Joe...just GREAT!" may replace "Heckuva Job Brownie!" as America's favorite sarcastic compliment. OH, also...Justin Timberlake has a movie coming out soon, but it will come out before Moneyball debuts in theatres September 23rd.

My mother learned of the existence of the MLB Fan Cave, but was thoroughly disappointed by the fact that it seems to be an all boys club. C'mon baseball, ladies like the sport too! So, Major League executives, please consider giving my mom a job in the Fan Cave next year. This would both make her happy and give all of America access to the excellent television of my mother knitting David Ortiz a hat, scolding Brian Wilson to shave his beard mid-interview, and wagging a finger at any player who disputes an ump.

Sixth, no one told Heath Bell that the All-Star Game was a serious business, so he slid into the mound while coming in to pitch. What do you think this is Heath Bell? Some kind of game?!?? What in the name "All-Star Game" would make you think that it was a "Game" to be "played" as though you were child-like and carefree?!?!? Seriously! Some people...

Seventh, Oh yeah...the NL won, their second all-star win in a row. After winning 2 of the last 3 World Series AND increasing their win total in interleague play for three straight years, it might be time to stop thinking of the National League as the inferior league.

And finally, even though he flew out on the first (and only) pitch he saw, Michael Cuddyer gave me a great idea for a new tv show. Cuddy would play a straight laced, All-American do-gooder doctors (with an adorable magic hobby) and Brian Wilson would play his wacky, goofball, nonsequitur-spouting, anti-establishment partner (who still gets results). I can see it now: THURSDAYS on TNT after Rizzoli & Isles and Franklin & Bash it's Cuddyer & Wilson...two men who play by their OWN RULES...and the rules of Major League Baseball! {It could even debut before the September 23rd release of Moneyball on September 23rd!)

The second half of the season starts tonight with the Twins taking on the Royals. And if you want to mull over the Twins chances to make the playoffs look no further than the next two weeks as the Twins will play 16 games against 4 teams, including 12 against Central Division rivals (all at home). And if you just want to sit back and watch baseball...well, you can do that too.

How Far We've Come in Four Years

(Seemingly Random Sidenote that will be Relevant Later: sorry that we posted neither tweets nor blogs this last weekend, normally taking 3 out of 4 from the White Sox in Chicago would get our trash-talking going full bore...but we had other things to do the last four days)

It's hard to believe but tonight is the fourth All-Star game that we Peanuts from Heaven will be watching/blogging/making fun of since starting this account of the Twins and our love of baseball.

We've seen Justin Morneau slide home safely in old Yankee Stadium, watched Carl Crawford save the day in St. Louis, seen the NL finally win one in Anaheim and now we get to watch Michael Cuddyer play his first all-star game in the arid air of Arizona. So seeing another midsummer classic come around is a sign that we're ready for another great year of bloggery. So, even though the mothership of sports media [*CouESPNgh!*] will poutingly proclaim that it's not a real All-Star Game because it doesn't really have all the best players, we're pretty pumped.

We're pumped because, it feels like this little blog really led to something. See, we started this blog because we were two friends, with a shared passion for the same baseball team and the same brand of nerdery. We've never aimed to be the Kingpins of the Twins blogosphere, just tried to carve out a little niche for our brand of silliness and fandom, and it seems that we've done that. But we've done other things too.

We've delved into baseball lore and history through Ken Burns' documentary and discovered a deep-rooted connection to the Pirates of Pittsburgh and Honus Wagner. We've gone to games in domes and the open air, in Milwaukee, St. Louis and Kansas City, and we're excited to go to more. We've found a whole society of people just as passionate and weird and fanatical as us (and some of them even agree with our whole Yankees = Vampires theory).

Through it all we'vebeen friends, and, as often happens with close friends who share common interests, passions and senses of humor we started to see one another as more than just friends. We had quasi-dates to ballgames and Twins Fest. Our first kiss happened near the end of the Baseball documentary. We've held hands during rallies and shared scotches after losses. So, after a courtship, dating, and an engagement, last weekend we got married in front of our friends and family. (Hence the absence of posts during the weekend...see told you that seemingly random sidenote would make sense eventually)

All in all it was a pretty great weekend. Sure, we were a little bummed that the one loss occurred on the day of our wedding (during our ceremony), but we assume this was because Joe Mauer suddenly realized he might end up being the old spinster of 2001 high school graduates, and Joe Nathan was bummed he couldn't have a slice of cake. And since they went right back to winning the next day, we trust our marriage will not impede the Twins play.

It's been wonderful to share our love of baseball with all of you readers for the last four years; almost as nice as it has been to discover our love for each other. Don't worry, we'll keep the quirky posts and quips coming...marriage might make us seem more adult, but baseball will always keep us young.

Peanuts pre-dating (9/2008) Peanuts 5 Days pre-wedding (7/2011)

Gearing up for the second half

First thing's first, congrats to the NL. You won, you were the underdog and we always love the underdog. Good on ya!

Now, before the second half of the season begins I wanted to take time to pay homage to two of my other passions in life--and how they relate to baseball: beautiful beautiful baseball.

Let's start with soccer/futbol/calico/that-thing-that-American's-pay-attention-to-every-four-years. More and more, futbol is becoming a game that we not merely humor, but tolerate, meaning that when we all turn 60 we'll actually watch matches with something approaching appreciation! To hasten that golden day/decline of our society let's please remember that while futbol is about artistry, creativity and passion it's also about finding some way to overcome grievous bodily harm in approximately 9 seconds.

As many have noted with agitation, in futbol, players tend to fall to earth like defunct Soviet satellites at the slightest hint of a nudge. After writhing about in utter agony for about 1 minute the player leaps to their feet and return to acts of athleticism unimaginable to 98% of the human species. In the rare case that such writhing goes longer than 1 minute, a magic spray is produced which restores the player to complete health and merriment.

Some people think this makes futbol frustrating--deceitful even. But I think it's just using medical technologies common in every other country of the world to their own benefit. Ergo, rather than sending Twins players on rehab assignments or asking them to see doctors we suggest that the whole team just roll around on the outfield grass for 10 minutes. Meanwhile we can use the magic spray on Justin's head, our pitcher's egos and all of JJ Hardy's body.

Speaking of JJ--apparently a lot of our readers really like JJ. Of course, they don't exactly like him in a way that is family friendly, so we won't endeavor to help their quest. But for those of you who have stumbled onto us in other ways, we'd like to help you in your quest for knowledge. So using Google analytics I've identified some of the most popular searches and will hereby try to answer them:

1) Orlando Hudson Lifetime Movie Network

--You know, we had not thought of this before but we definitely convinced that O-Dog can be Kevin Slowey's very talkative wing man in Slo-Slo's search for true love. As a result, in the Lifetime Movie about falling in love with Slo-dog (starring Emile deRavin as the lucky lady, and a young Alan Ruck as Slowey) Orlando will star as himself, write the script and serve as Best Boy for the production

2) Bagel Cheddarwurst Orlando

-- This one makes me sad in my soul (this is Kristina). If you have never heard of Bagel Cheddarwurst... your life is probably all the more awesome for never having smelled its synthetic cheesy death-odor or tasted its plasticky vomit-inducing slime. Bagel Cheddarwurst was a regular fixture in my grade school cafeteria, and it never failed to turn an otherwise fine day into the worst day EVER. So if Bagel Cheddarwurst has never crossed your path, your life is probably awesome, full of sunshiny rainbows and unicorns, whereas my encounters with this foul substance have left me emotionally stunted and unable to accept love into my heart. Clearly, someone is out to sabotage Orlando with the worst culinary experience ever... so buddy, run like hell. Whatever inspired this search it can't be good.

3) Grandpappy dressed as a teddy bear

--Seriously? If this really matters to you you might want to just ask your grandfather...or see a counsellor.

4) Ron Gardenhire Cherry Concentrate

-- When Ron Gardenhire concentrates on cherries, the fruit explodes into delicious cherry flavored ambrosia. However, resist the temptation to drink such a concoction as doing so will cause you to see the world like a big game of PAC-MAN.

5) What are the rope necklaces that Nick Swisher wears called?

--EVIL

All-Star Update 2009!--Part 4

We pick up our live blogging at the top of the 7th

WOAH!! Albert Pujols just gave Adrian Gonzalez a very...friendly...hug. Save it for the shower boys.

Yikes! We are going to assume that Justin would prefer to not be at the all-star game, given how much he went fishing

Fun way to pass the time while hearing an overly vibrato-ed rendition of any song: do a full body enactment of the pitch wobbling up and down--if Smelly wasn't blogging and teaching, he would be a professional interpretive dancer

GREAT CATCH BY CARL CRAWFORD--though not if you listen to Tim "Debbie Downer" McCarver: "Oh these Carl Crawford's today! With their sagging pants, and their catching balls that would have hit off the top of the fence like they would have gone over the fence! They just don't know how it was back in the olden days the rassa-frassin-whippersnappers!!!!"

Dear Curtis Granderson, We are sorry we photoshopped a picture of you getting coldclocked by Honus Wagner. But you hit triples and are hella fast. Please do not hurt us. Sincerely, Peanuts from Heaven.

The Knitting Queen's list of creepiest things: 3) human heads on animal bodies 2) Kevin Youkilis' beard 1) Kevin Youkilis' batting stance (I agree on the third).

BLAGHERAGHERAGHERAG JOE NATHAN!!!!!!! YARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

We know that there's the whole charming story of the NL coming up in a big situation and a talented hitter who loves Cheese Steak Sandwhiches coming to the plate in his home town where he has great numbers with the tying and go ahead runs on base, but what about the story of Dread Pirate Joe Nathan being awesome? If you aren't going to tell that story Joe Buck you can shut up.

Did I mention FOX really, REALLY likes awkward close-ups of people's faces?

Did we mention that Joe Nathan is totally awesome and struck out Ryan Howard anyway? BLAGHERAGHERAGHERAGH!!!

Cool thing #42 about the all star game, even when you hit the ball well in an all-star game you have a 50/50 chance of getting robbed by a great catch--just like Morneau just did.

Our dear friend Gouger says: "Did you see Mauer's Double-Nathan's 8th-Morneaus shot for an out in the ninth?!? Go Mariano Rivera!--can't believe I said that."--we can't either.

Aaaaaaaaand...that'll do it. The AL won again, the Twins came up with some important plays including an RBI double to tie it and a crucial strike out to maintain the lead. Now it's time to continue the evening of indelible awesomeness with the midnight show of HARRY POTTER!!!

Peace out.

All-Star Update 2009!--Part 3

More observations from the fourth through the sixth

Damn - I was really hoping we were going to get a more extensive description of the Dominos regionally flavored pizzas.

If there's one way to help a guy get over a social anxiety disorder, it's to talk about it CONSTANTLY. Cause you know, that's very helpful.

Swelling music = heartwarming, swelling music containing banjos = brainweirding

Let's just take a moment here to imagine how fast Carl Crawford would run if he pulled is pants up. Joe Buck did.

I never thought I'd be happy to see Derek Jeter cross home plate--but when it means that Mauer just drove in the tying run: HOT DAMN DEREK JETER!!!

Mr. PoopyPants on the All-Star Game: "ALBERT! ALBERT! ALBERT!!"

Edwin Jackson threw four pitches. What a fine young man he is, not like those lousy Carl Crawfords now-a-days, with the loud music and the sagging pants, it just makes me SICK INSIDE!

Wow--Chase Utley--Wow

Wow--The worst commercial in the world has just been aired--apparently if you have 8 dimes you can buy a taco with meat that is good enough for dogs, then watch breakdancing midgets, bathe yourself in dimes, and roll down the cul de sacs with your hoes.--Wow

Tim McCarver is pouting that he hasn't been tweeted by Joe Buck...awkward relationships come to light

? Jason Bartlett or Ben Zobrist--make up your mind Fox ?

Bald guy! Who the heck was that??!? What the eff????

Back with more after the ninth

All-Star Update 2009!--Part 2

Observations in the first three innings

*Rarely do we feel bad for a Yankee--but stinks to be Jeter when you get hit like that
*Not the best hit for Mauer--but we'll take it (helped that he was running hard)
*Pujols made a mistake?--Are pigs flying?
*Tim McCarver does not know what an I-Beam is, I may rethink my decision to hire Idiot Play-By-Play Announcer Construction Company.
*This just in Roy Halladay WILL BE TRADED
*Stinky likes the way Ichiro twirling his bat, he looks like he's preparing for a Katana fight.
*Barack Obama just took a dig at the Nationals, making him the highest ranking trash talker EVER
*Additionally, Barack Obama is a better sports commentator than Joe Buck. Not that this is a difficult accomplishment. I'm just saying.
*This just in Roy Halladay WILL BE EATEN BY TIGERS
*Wait, once Obama threw a first pitch for the White Sox they didn't lose for the rest of the year?--It's Obama's fault they won a championship?
*Ryan Franklin's goatee makes him look like Mr. Tumnus.
*This just in Roy Halladay WILL BE SENT TO PURGATORY WHERE DANTE AND VIRGIL WILL LAUGH AT HIS LIFE IN TORONTO

More after the 6th

All-Star Update 2009!

Since last year, some things have changed, some things remain the same, but the one thing that will never change is that Joe Buck is the most horrible sports commentator of all time ever. Therefore we will use this opportunity to mock him as much as possible.

Questions before the game even starts:
- is all this hooplah really necessary?
- is such swelling, dramatic music really necessary?
- is Derek Jeter's existence on the planet really necessary?
- is Joe Buck about to tell Stan Musial that he loves him?
- does Barack Obama count as a White Sox all-star?
- is there anything funnier than Ichiro Suzuki's face while meeting Barack Obama? (Seriously-it's a combination of awkward first date and discovering he is a wizard)
- does anything not have corporate sponsorship?
- wouldn't this whole thing be easier if we just used the Peanuts from Heaven all-star introduction video?

AND HOW DID THAT TAKE 40 FLIPPIN' MINUTES?

A Peanuts From Heaven Guide to: The 2009 All-Stars

In an effort to be cutting edge and what not we here at Peanuts from Heaven will endeavor to give you a brief guide to this year's all stars: in 180 seconds or less.

To make things even easier--no reading is involved.

Thank Merciful Heavens!

The Game is Over.

There wasn't a stupid tie.

Morneau's swing is not totally screwed up by the home run derby.

The game was not decided by a Red Sock or Yankee (A Ray won it, a Phillie lost it, and a Ranger drove in a Twin to win it).

I was honestly a little disappointed that the NL, who had played so well, who looked like a better team for much of the game, who were managed well by Clint Hurdle (who still had substitutes and relievers left in the 15th, while the AL's Terry Francona was using a pitcher he wasn't supposed to in the 14th and didn't make an offensive change after the 8th). And quite disappointed that after 5 hours, people stuck around to boo another player because the words "Red Sox" were on his shirt.

But fortunately, we do not have to deal with Joe Buck or Tim McCarver for another 3 months.

Thank merciful heavens

All-Star...still not Final

The AL just can't seem to get a run across. And I suppose I could blame Stinky...she left and Justin Morneau seemed to feel her absence, grounding out twice with an opportunity to be heroic.

Or I could just point out that this has actually been a pretty good game, the pitchers shut down batters whenever the pressure is on, the defense tightens up, both teams actually seem to want to win the game.

So the game is good, but there's still something off...something not named Joe Buck (whose incessant nay-saying of umpire's decisions makes me want to shove a remote control up his--hi grandma!)

No, it's Yankee fans. I know it's at their stadium, so I suppose they should be able to do whatever they want to do. But it seems...what's the word...craptastic...that the Yankee fans feel obliged to boo Boston players. 

(Oh and now Tim McCarver uses instant replay to find fault with Justin's defense, why don't you kiss my big fat--hi grandpa!)

I realize you are rivals. I realize you are to one another what Troy once was to Greece. But come on. You are allies with the Red Sox one day each year. For one day you work together to win one game. Even if you can't cheer for them, can't you just quietly leave them to do their job. Do you have to go out of your way to be jackasses Every--Single--Day of the Year?

I suppose that's a little like asking the same question of Buck/McCarver--but I felt the need.

Another update

I realize the foolishness of writing a blog update when many more people can watch the game on local tv rather than access this blog via the internet.

Yet, I continue to write.

I feel I ought to point out the following: every Twins batter has reached base when they came to the plate, and Joe Nathan pitched a perfect 7th inning.

Twins batters 2 for 2 with a walk

Red Sox/Yankees batters: 2 for 9 with a walk (and a home run...but that doesn't really count because Justin was one of the scoring runs and would have hit it further if he was batting at the time it was hit)

STICK IT MAJOR MARKETS!!!

Mid All-Star Game Update

So I'm back from a trip around the Midwest major league baseball games.

The all-star game is on, I've had wine, beer, bratwurst, peanuts and am surrounded by parents, grandparents and my partner in crime. The crime of silliness.

While the game is intriguing, it's far more intriguing to listen to Joe Buck sycophantically blather about himself, Fox's new series, and now...the greatness of George Steinbrenner.

I'll now hand over to Kristina while I gag myself with a spoon.

Joe Buck: So, Yogi Berra, what do YOU feel is the meaning of life?? *cheesy smile*

Yogi: I uh...well...you know I always say that - 

Joe Buck: Couldn't agree more Yogi.  Alright well here comes Alex Rodriguez up for the American League.  You know aside from A-Rod's questionable personal life, which we won't say anything other than to say that well, it is questionable.  Man that is some shady stuff with Madonna isn't it Yogi?  What do you think?

Yogi: Well I think -

Joe Buck: And you know, it's quite the contrast from Joe Mauer.  In his spare time Joe enjoys saving kittens from forest fires.  He's also the only catcher in the American League who enjoys wearing rainbow socks on Thursdays.  Isn't that something?  

Yogi: The NL just scored a run.

Joe Buck: Hey isn't that something!  Wait what, is there a game going on?  Golly gee!  In- credible!!!

And now back to my smelly friend.

Guhh...uhh...god, that was nasty. It's the only thing that can remove the foul aftertaste of Joe Buck.

Anyway...something's are more palatable when you're surrounded by kick-ass people. My grandparents, my parents, and of course, my stinky, stinky compatriot.

More on the game as it develops.

Lame!

So Justin is the Home Run Derby Champion (stick it Chicago sportscasters who wanted him to stink). But clearly everyone wishes that Josh Hamilton had won, who did hit a tonnage of home runs and inspire many, but still...

Couldn't someone say his name right?

Couldn't someone give the man some credit?

The State Farm CEO called him: "Jason Morneau" the other announcers called him "Mar-now" 

And yet, Morneau is humble, gracious, kind and deferential to Hamilton's great performance.

Now even I'm falling for him.

Know Thine Enemy: ALL STAR GAME SPECIAL

This was supposed to be up 24 hours ago...pretend will you?

Tomorrow the Midsummer classic will be played. But the average fan has a problem, who do you root for? Your favorite players regardless of where they play? The players from your team only? The league your team plays in?

The answer is you should cheer for whomever the Loathe-O-Meter tells you to. So now:

National League Loathe-O-Meter Factors:

1.  Old School: The National League was the first national baseball league, they started the whole thing--they also kicked African Americans out of the game, and kept them out for half a century: *35 Loathing Points*
   
2. Pitchers: The NL still asks pitchers to be complete athletes, swinging a bat as well as throwing a ball. It's baseball the way it's meant to be. *-25 Loathing Points*
3. Yawn...: More than a few fans have a problem with the dearth of home runs in the NL, I think they're crazy, but if that's your thing... *5 Loathing Points*
4. Cubby hole: There are 8 Cubs in the All-star game. They are the Yankees of this years' all star game, smug and assuming their greatness. Having been to Wrigley I can see why, but I don't have to like it. *10 Loathing Points*
5. Scrappy: The NL swipes bags, hustles like crazy and hasn't won an All-star game in a decade. Root for the under dog *-40 Loathing Points*

American League Loathe-O-Meter Factors:

1. The rebels: The spunky younger league invaded the fuddy-duddy establishment and brought youth and vitality to the game. They also were more tyrannical, parsimonious and vicious to minorities. *15 Loathing Points
2. Lazy asses: no matter what others say, I dislike the DH, which, to me at least, smacks of an over grown gimmick and removes strategy from a great game. *20 Loathing Points*
3. Original smug-itude: Yankees...Red Sox...shoot me *50 Loathing Points* 
4. Josh Hamilton: No story is cooler than a guy who overcame serious problems, by himself and became an all-star after three years away from the game. *-32 Loathing Points*
5. Twins: They are my boys, and I've got to love my boys. *-79 Loathing Points*

Final Score

National League: 15 Loving Points: Cold beer with the game

American League: 26 Loving Points: Cold beer and hot dog with the game

So it's the AL, but really, its baseball itself--Enjoy the game

A first glance at the NL All-stars

Here at Peanuts From Heaven Inc. we know that the busy Minnesota Twins fan doesn't necessarily have time to learn, or care about players on other teams. So we are happy to provide a quick glossary of who these players are and how you can recognize them.

Our overview of other all-stars continues with the National League

NL

C-Geovany Soto--Non-descript, but thankfully wears a mask

1B-Lance Berkman--Mike Lamb's inspiration for a prospector's beard

2B-Chase Utley--as non-descript as Seto, but without the mask.

SS-Hanley Ramirez--mini-goat, plays like a young Alex Rodriguez

3B-Chipper Jones--who cares?

OF-Alfonso Soriano--looks/acts like he did with the Yankees, just wears a different uniform

OF-Kosuke Fukadome--Hansel to Ichiro's Zoolander

OF-Ryan Braun--big smile, searching for a synagogue in Milwaukee

**Bench

C-Brian McCann--ATL--Tubby and scruffy...what a catcher ought to be

C-Russel Martin--LA--Rectangular headed Roy Campanella

1B-Albert Pujols--STL--The best hitting unibrow in baseball

1B-Adrian Gonzalez--SD--a cabana boy wannabe

2B-Dan Uggla--FLA--Mostly stoic with the odd crazy eyes

3B-Aramis Ramirez--CHI--Chicago loves the Lincoln-esque beard

SS-Miguel Tejada--HOU--A natural...user of steroids.

SS-Christian Guzman--WAS--Yes, Gooooooooooooooooooz-man. 

OF-Ryan Ludwick--STL--looks like an assistant auto mechanic 

OF-Matt Holiday--COL--NOT in Queen Latifa's "Last Holiday"

OF-Nate McClouth--PIT--The only talented man in Pittsburgh

**Pitchers

Aaron Cook--COL--the man who's lucky his manager runs the NL team

Tim Lincecum--SF--looks like your precocious 12 year old neighbor

Dan Haren--AZ--mangy beard/quasi-mulleted hard thrower

Brandon Webb--AZ--That guy the Twins crushed a couple weeks ago.

Ben Sheets--MIL--That guy the Twins crushed a week ago.

Carlos Zambrano--CHI--loves his tongue, shows it to the world

Ryan Dempster--CHI--my goatee, minus my lack of athletic ability

Brian Wilson--SF--geometrically perfect goatee

Edinson Volquez--CIN--gum chewing rookie with a thundrous arm, watch him now before Baker ruins him like he ruined...

Kerry Wood--CHI--apparently he's only "mostly" dead

Brad Lidge--PHI--the most fragile psyche you've ever seen

Billy Wagner--NY--The only talented man in Shea stadium

A first glance at the AL All-Stars

Here at Peanuts From Heaven Inc. we know that the busy Minnesota Twins fan doesn't necessarily have time to learn, or care about players on other teams. So we are happy to provide a quick glossary of who these players are and how you can recognize them.

We start with the American League

AL

C-Joe Mauer--radiates goodness and light

1B-Kevin Youkilis--hideous goatee masks charred soul

2B-Dustin Pedroia--Mr. Baby-face, sometimes wears eye-black, sometimes rainbow face paint.

SS-Derek Jeter--Mr. Yankee, the most hatable man in baseball.

3B-Alex Rodriguez--may have left his wife for Madonna...an idiot

OF-Manny Ramirez--nappy dreds cover the laziest ass in baseball

OF-Ichiro Suzuki--acts like he's too cool for school...which he is.

OF-Josh Hamilton--Mr. Heart Warming Redemption story

**Bench

C--Dioner Navaro--TB--the guy who shoves Matt Garza

C--Jason Varitek--BOS--Has been crouching behind home plate since the pilgrims landed

1B--Justin Morneau--MIN--The guy with the backside

2B--Ian Kinsler--TEX--Clown hair sticks out behind his hat

SS--Michael Young--TEX--Searching for someone to care about him

3B--Joe Crede--CHI--A White Sock...erego, evil

UT--Carlos Guillen--DET--Squashy, mitt-like visage

OF--Milton Bradley--TEX--Mr. Copyright infringement ("Sorry!" "Boggle!" "Risk!")

OF--Carlos Quentin--CHI--his mlb.com picture looks like a mug shot

OF--Grady Sizemore--CLE--attractive...if you're from Cleveland.

OF--JD Drew--BOS--booed on his way out of every town he plays in

**Pitchers

Scott Kazmir--TB--Cherubic cheeks, killer fastball

Roy Halladay--TOR--blonde beard, like a bachelor Norweigan farmer

Justin Duchscherer--OAK--Best ERA in AL, and even his mother couldn't find him in a line-up

Joakim Soria--KC--Stuck in KC and stuck with a psuedo Unibrow

Cliff Lee--CLE--We're playing against him RIGHT NOW! (And he's beating us...but his team didn't)

Ervin Santana--LA--dresses up like Johan to make himself feel good.

Joe Saunders--LA--Little Mr. Chipmunk cheeks

George Sherill--BAL--The pride of Austin Peay...wherever that is.

Mariano Rivera--NY--A pity selection/going away present

Johnathan Papelbon--BOS--irritatingly popular...irriatingly good

Joe Nathan--MIN--Our beloved hero, closing for America

Francisco Rodriguez--LA--Reacts to Ks like Tiger reacts to putts