Wha' Happened #8 (@ Kansas City & Washington, v.s. Philadelphia & Detroit)

Look out ladies!

Game 57
Twins 3 - Royals 0
Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can.

Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies...

Game 58
Royals 4 - Twins 1
In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone]

Game 59
Royals 7 - Twins 3
I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!!


Game 60
(Rained out)
There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured)

Game 61
Twins 4- Nationals 3
I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished.

Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog

Preparation, Expectation, Joy

Oh, it's still just a hot dog

like laws, don't show me.

Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out)
Nationals 7 - Twins 0
The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. :( "

Game 62
Nationals 5 - Twins 4
This series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez).

But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to.

does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well"

Game 63
Twins 3 - Phillies 2


Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping])

Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo.

Game 64
Twins 4 - Phillies 3
The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song.

Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits.

BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles

Soft and subtle meat

Fresh veggies singing for you

Wow...that price is right

Game 65
Phillies 3 - Twins 2
Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again).

Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night).

This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts.

Game 66
Tigers 4 - Twins 0
Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said.

Game 67
Twins 6 - Tigers 3

Annabelle Sanchez

The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary.

Dear Diary,
Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so!  I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary!

Annabelle

This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session.

Game 68
Tigers 5 - Twins 2
The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister.

Unimpressed.

A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players
"Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes."
etc.

P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun!

Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!)
Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

Root, Root Root for...? (Our Extremely Biased Guide to the Postseason)

Well, we're a few days into the playoffs but better late than never! We know you've been waiting with bated breath for us to instruct you as to who you should cheer for in the post season...but we're not going to. Instead, we are going to make logical (hah) pro and con lists for each matchup, tell you where our hearts lie, and let you pick from there.

ALDS: TEXAS V. TAMPA

Rangers - PROS
- Everything's bigger in Texas...so...make of that what you will.
- I dare you to find a cooler name than Yorvit Torrealba.
- Josh Hamilton
Rangers - Cons
- I really have nothing against the Rangers, but I traveled to Dallas once for work and wasn't a huge fan.
- ...it's Texas.

Rays - Pros
- I know they're this big power hitting team now, but in my mind the Rays will always be the ultimate underdogs, which makes them cool in my book.
- Their late-season run to eliminate the Red Sox was quite glorious, and very Twins-Circa-2006. Reminds me of when times were good.

- They play in an incredibly ugly dome, which also reminds us of good times.
Rays - Cons
- Johnny Damon

Verdict:
This one's kind of a toss-up. I think I'd feel good either way - but for some reason my heart seems to lie with Tampa.

ALDS: NYY Vs. Detroit

Yankees - Pros

- I'm super excited for the Verlander/Sabbathia matchup tonight after being cruelly robbed of it on Friday.

- Derek Jeter
- Mariano Rivera
Yankees - Cons
- Nick Swisher
- A-Rod
- Smug and obnoxious Yankees fans
- Emperor Palpatine

- Lord Voldemort

Tigers - Pros
- AL Central Solidarity
- Delmon Young... that trade made no sense to me, and I miss my Delmon. I hope he gets a better shot with Detroit than he did with us.
- Justin Verlander
Tigers - Cons
- I make fun of Tigers fans all year (except this year)... it's hard to go from cheering against them to cheering for them
- Detroit

Verdict:
As my dad would say, "Go Delmont!!" I wish to see him prance to a World Series Victory. Go forth and prosper, Detroit Tigers.

NLDS: St. Louis Vs. Philly

Cardinals - Pros
- Albert Pujols
- Nick Punto
- We visited St. Louis on our baseball road trip two years ago: it's a nice city and the fans seem like cool people.
Cardinals - Cons
-.... I honestly can't think of any

Phillies - Pros

- Delicious Cheese Steak

- My friend Lewis lives there

- Amazing pitching rotation of awesomeness

Phillies - Cons

- I once got lost in Philly trying to get back on the highway after stopping for a cheese steak. It was miserable - we were lost for probably an hour and got stuck in ridiculous traffic. You fail, city of Philedalphia.
- High payroll. Pinstriped jerseys. Eastern division domination. Remind you of anyone else we know?

Verdict:
I'm gonna go with St. Louis, more because of how much I like the Cardinals than because of any bad feelings towards the Phillies.

NLDS: Milwaukee vs. Arizona

Brewers - Pros

- Prince Fielder

- Ryan Braun

- If you haven't heard Bob Uecker call a game, you're missing out

- Neighborly love

- New Glaurus

- Cheese

Brewers - Cons

- Neighborly hate

- Constant drunkenness: we also went there on our baseball road trip and saw people passed out on the concourse.

- Strange phallic hot dog races

D-Backs - Pros

- Scrappy young underdog of the NL

- I dunno...I'm generally a positive person

- ...that's about it really.

D-Backs - Cons

- D-Backs sounds suspiciously like D-Bags?

- Douchey Fans: D-Backs hit a home run over Ben Revere's head and a fan yelled "YOU SUCK REVERE!!" When interviewed after the game and asked what he had yelled the fan proudly repeated the sentiment. So apparently Ben Revere sucks for not owning a jet pack? Bad form, D-Backs fans.

Verdict:

We'll give our support to the cheeseheads next door!

Well, that's all we have for now. If you'll excuse me I have to try to stop the cat from eating Ben's tie and shirt buttons.

It Came From Baltimore!

As if having to endure the Yankees over the weekend wasn't bad enough, the Twins just had to confront the Baltimore Orioles for four games. I don't know what it is about the Orioles, perhaps it's just my imagination, but whenever we face the little black and orange birdies we play a little worse than we normally do. Normally it's not bad enough to lose, or bad enough to get swept...this time it was.

So how did the Twins get swept by the worst team in the American League? How did we manage to drop four straight games to a team whose best pitcher in the series has a mighty 7 wins, and 4.15 ERA? We can't say for certain, but we would bet that it might have something to do with a conversation in the team clubhouse before the first game.

Ben Revere: Oh man!! We have to play Baltimore...Those guys give me the willies!!

Jason Kubel: I know man! Have you ever seen any David Simon tv shows?

Revere: Sure!

Kubel: Man, I just had a Homicide: Life on the Streets marathon, and I'm just getting into The Wire...That city is Crime Central! I bet the whole Orioles team and all their fans are a bunch of criminals and murderers and bad guys!!

Gardy: Jason...those shows are fictional, that's very specious logic and I'm pretty sure Baltimorians can now sue you for libel and slander.

Kubel: You might be right Gardy...but just to make sure that they don't get mad I think we should let them win!

Everybody: YEAH!!!

Gardy: Wait...no! That's a bad idea! Guys, we should try to win!

Francisco Liriano: I don't know Gardy...I'm not sure I can stand to see the big-bird-head logo...it's eyes follow you where ever you go in a room. It gives me the heebie jeebies!

Brian Duensing: Yeah, and I have a totally irrational fear of every bird ever since I accidentally stayed up to watch The Birds when I was 6!

Gardy: Why did you watch The Birds at 6?

Duensing: I thought Big Bird & Snuffy might be in it....

Jim Thome: Yeah, that movie's freaky, and let's not even talk about the ominous thrill of terror that reverberates in the hearts of men when you read one of noted Baltimore resident Edgar Allan Poe's ominous tales of horror!!

Kevin Slowey: Or the fact that their version of cake....is made out of CRAB!?!?

Drew Butera: Let's face it coach. Baltimore is terrifying. So if we all just play really really badly, maybe they'll all take mercy on us and not destroy the Twin Cities.

Everyone: [Random murmurs of agreement] Great idea! YEAH! Let's do what the guy back up catcher batting .163 says!!

Gardy: [Rubbing bridge of his nose] It's gonna be a looooooooooong series...

And it was. Kubel's terror of David Simon tv shows left him 1-13; Thome's panic over Poe left him 0-11; and Drew Butera went 1-12. The pitchers didn't fare much better: Liriano was so spooked he left after 2 innings with an injury, Duensing was so traumatized he left after 2 innings and 7 runs, and Slowey held his Crab Cake anxiety in check to get a lead...and then give it all back in a 5 run 5th inning.

Good news though, no more Baltimore! And since the Twins appear to be trading Jim Thome to the Indians, we can now officially focus on helping him win his first World Series ring by doing what we do best: breaking the hearts of Tigers fans.

Know Thy Enemy: Los Angeles Dodgers

Confession time: I should, be all rights and rationale be a fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers. Living in Minnesota makes cheering for the Twins a little more natural but my family, my hometown and my first experiences as a fan are all tied to the Dodger blue.

My father was born in Brooklyn, and growing up I always liked the thought of his stroller rolling by Ebbets Field. A few years ago, before she passed, my grandmother confessed that she had always loved the Dodgers, listened to Vin Scully every day and repeatedly pleaded with my grandfather to let her set aside a little money for tickets to a game together. (He stubbornly refused, but that didn't stop her from debating the fate of Dem Bums with every neighbor and local shopkeeper she met.)

When I was a kid, growing up in Great Falls, Montana, there weren't many chances to watch baseball so I read about it instead: the sports pages all summer long, and in the winter I'd pour over biographies of legends always gravitating towards Dodger greats like Duke Snider, Pee Wee Reese and Roy Campanella. There was a Rookie League Dodgers affiliate that played a half-mile from my house. On summer night I could hear batters announced and fans cheer even if I wasn't at the game. This was a pretty great time to watch young Dodger talent, with young guns who would Rookies-of-the-year season after season for the big club, it felt like we were part of something bigger than ourselves. Hence, our dogged loyalty to Eric Karros, Raul Mondesi, John Wettland, Jose Offerman and a stringy pitcher with a whip like arm named Pedro Martinez. (That list also includes current Dodgers James Loney and Johnathan Broxton and everybody's favorite Twin Cities soul patch: Jason Repko.)

Between my grandmother, my deep appreciation of Dodger lore and spending summers cheering the blue and white, it sure seems like I should be a Dodger fan...and yet?

• The move from Brooklyn broke my grandmother's heart.
• The ownership's total dismissal of classic players (see Koufax, Sandy) makes it hard to connect current Dodgers to old Dodgers
• Squandering all the young talent we helped nurture made cheering for the major league club difficult.
• When the Dodgers left Great Falls for Ogden, Utah the staff made a point of saying: "This is where we should have always been" (the sense being...that place we sent our young players for two decades? Yeah, they suck. Screw 'em.)
• And watching last night...well the less said about that the better.

Long story short, I know the Dodgers are supposed to be an elite franchise, and with all my history with them, maybe I should cut them some slack. But the truth is the Dodgers always seem not to care if you like them or not...in fact I think they'd just as soon run over opponents, fans, support staff and team legends for the sake of an owner's whim.

All in all, the Dodgers are a thoroughly unlikable franchise (at least in my personal opinion), the Yankees of the West Coast/National League. So c'mon Twins...for your sake, for my sake, for the sake of all that is good and pure and just in the world...whup dem Bums!

Canuck Heads v.s. Clutch Hair

Today's game was another battle between forces of good and evil. In the evil corner you have the Toronto Blue Jays, a team determined to reach new levels of foreign jerkitude. They have been eliminated from the playoffs for a month, but continue to insist on trying to win games (you don't see the Dodgers or Mariners doing that!). What's more, as the lone representatives of Canada in Major League Baseball, they do a great disservice to the noble people of the great white north by ignoring the Canadian value of fairness. By hitting a crapload* of home runs against a team that can't hit any in the cold Minnesota air this team has sullied the mighty maple leaf!

*Here's a helpful metric conversion for our readers in foreign lands: a crapload is equal to approximately 24 hogsheads.

In the corner of good was, as usual, the Minnesota Twins. And once again it would not be easy, what with many of our regular players nursing injuries and our pitchers battling stinkitude. Sure enough, held to one run through 4 innings, it wasn't promising. Having our starter waver, wasn't comforting and given the bullpen's experiments in stinkitude recently (all relievers wanna be like starters, ya know) good seemed to be doomed.

A Delmon double to start the 9th? Promising. Mauer and Valencia pop-flies to put us on the brink of disaster? Not so much. (Sidebar: Danny V. We like you, and the home runs you hit, but sometimes base hits are just as cool as homers, so, relax a little okay young fella?) Then Jason Kubel walked (because Running is Stupid), and our beloved Jose "Aquapig" Morales did the same leading to "Sexi" 'Lexi Casilla: who compensates for below-average hitting with above-average facial hair.

Why does that facial hair matter? Think about it man, at crucial moments in the history of our world, great hair has provided the critical boost to those who defend us all from encroaching evil. Samson, Ulysses S. Grant, and today: Alexi Casilla. Huzzah for the forces of good, and huzzah for the power of great hair*!

*Note: In case Alexi Casilla won the game due to his own athletic prowess, we reserve the right to call on the power of great hair again this postseason.

Where's your Best Selling Philosophy NOW, PUNK?!?!?!?

I admit, I've got a chip on my shoulder when it comes to the A's. Being a baseball fan in the early part of this millennium you couldn't stop hearing about the baseball genius of the Bay Area, and how he was taking a plucky bunch of unwanted players and turning them into a winning force! There were almost monthly magazine profiles, there was a best selling book, there was a cult following around the executives (?!) who built the team, and then there was that team itself, the only team that plays in gold and green, bringing long hair and surprising swagger to the role of scruffy underdog .

Only problem was, I (like most of the people who read this blog) was a fan of that other scruffy underdog filled with a plucky bunch of unwanted players who turned themselves into a winning force. Only we did it with out the magazine profiles, best sellers, cult followers and long hair. We did it with old fashioned, boring, fundamental baseball. Catch the ball, take the extra base when you can, scratch out any hit available to you and don't swing for the fences, pick up your teammates.

So it was with a pang of jealousy that I watched the A's get the credit while the Twins toiled in anonymity. I know that the "Moneyball" concept was more about making an intelligent investment in underutilized resources than any one man; but I felt like "mastermind" GM Billy Beane developed a bit of an ego around all this adulation, as though he personally had somehow made baseball a better game and deserved all the credit for crunching the stats, turning a beautifully complex game into an inevitable end of a mathematical equation.* (And never mind the fact that it was up to the players {several of whom have been linked to steroids} who were doing the actual work, and winning the actual games.)

Yet here we are, a decade later, and while the Twins are poised to make their 6th post season trip in 10 years the A's have slowly slipped into irrelevance, buried alive under lofty expectations and an inability to keep up with shifts in the market. But hey, Brad Pitt's going to play Billy Beane in a movie...so I guess that's as good as being competitive, right?

I know I shouldn't gloat, I should hope that more talented players bring a storied franchise back into relevance and offer some entertainment to those loyal few who keep turning up in Oakland (especially for the upcoming series with Chicago...the A's definitely deserve to win that series), but if from time to time my jealousy and stubbornness gets in the way, I hope you A's fans/players/executives forgive me...I'm clearly not as smart as Billy Beane, so what do I know?

Oh yeah, I know that we won yesterday.

The Rube

P.s. I'm also not as smart as my father, who, on labor day made the following prediction: "The sox have run out of magic and will go 2-9 over their next 11 games." I laughed, surely a team who had just finished winning 7 straight wouldn't do that poorly against the Tigers, the Royals and us?...Tigers record over their last 11 games: 2-9. Maybe Brad Pitt should play my dad in a movie? Or at least, Clooney...yeah...Clooney's got the right salt and pepper hair thing.

P.p.s.*If I'm wrong and Beane is a genuine sweetheart of a guy, I'm sorry. It just doesn't come across in the press.

Congratulations and moment of silence

I realize that today is now double-posted, but a couple of things have happened that I thought I should mention:

1) Congratulations to former Twin Shrek I mean David Ortiz on winning the homerun derby! He's not my Canadian Hot-Pants fiance but he's close enough (p.s. now that I have an actual fiance, maybe I should stop refering to Justin Morneau as my betrothed...? Maybe...?)

2) I'm sure if you've read the news recently, you heard that George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, passed away this morning from a massive heart attack. Given that most of my knowledge of Steinbrenner comes from two sources - the book "The Devil Wears Pinstripes" and the ESPN miniseries "Summer of '79" - I'm not exactly the best source for actual facts or unbiased opinions, but I thought I should say a little something.

For as much as we've made fun of the man here at PFH, there's no denying that he has been one of the most influential club owners of all time. Whether you loved him or hated him, you were sure to have an opinion. Steinbrenner oversaw the launch of the all-Yankees TV network (whether you like it or not, a game-changing innovation in revenue streams for ball clubs), hired and then fired his own manager umpteen billion times and won approximately 85 world series titles. OK, most of these are exaggerations, but the fact remains - Steinbrenner was a giant in baseball, and now he is gone.

RIP, George Steinbrenner. Your empire lives on.

Two warnings

1--To the Detroit Tigers, please stop ruining our genius theory about how Scruffy is capable of changing the Twins fortunes.

2--To the Onion. We realize you love the White Sox and the Brewers...but c'mon...admit it...your mockery is based on jealousy.

How do you write about a 12 inning game? Caption Action!

While we were able to catch most of this weekends series in Kansas City, the impending doom that is the push to Finals has rendered those creative sectors of our brains to resemble nothing so much as applesauce...see I can't even come up with a good simile for what our brains look like...it's that bad.

So let's let the pictures do the talking, shall we?

Game 1: Friday

You know what Scotty? Just keep your arm up throughout the season...we'll be high-fiving frequently, this year.

Twins 8-Royals 3

Game 2: Saturday

"You may be winning these games...but believe me, you don't mess, with DeJesus."

Justin: "It's so much fun to stay up late, let's NEVER GO TO BED!!"

Joe: "Or let's win the game and then go to bed..."

Justin: "Either way!"

Twins 9-Royals 7

Game 3: Sunday

Slowey: "I don't know what's wrong skip."

Gardy: "Let's take a looksey here...yup...cuticle's too long"

Joe: "I keep a spare clipper taped underneath my helmet"

Gardy: "Nah...it's just Kansas City...what's the worst that could happen?"

Brendan Harris: "AAAAAAAAACK!!!! It's Joakim Soria a man so mean that he mows us down like helpless daisies! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"I can almost taste those delicious daisies! I WILL DESTROY ALL FLOWERS AND BEAUTY IN THE WORLD!!!"

Twins 3-Royals 4

Series in a Nutshell

Kubel: "WOO! Another series win! Let's keep on rockin' in the free world!"

O-Dog: "Agreed...but, the free world's bigger than Kansas City...and cooler...so let's get the hell out of here."

What do you mean, we have to keep playing?

Wait, so I thought we had won and would get a nice little parade and hugs and kisses and puppy dogs and what not...we have to travel to New York City and face a team that is 50% Vampire? Not cool Major League Baseball...not cool...

I am tempted to ask if we can borrow some Tigers for this series...maybe Verlander, Procello, Rodney, Minor, Granderson, Inge, Polanco--heck, maybe even Laird, Rayburn and Jimmy "Classy-Dude" Leyland. What do you say Tigers? Huh? No...okay...{Side note, seriously, people who led the "Al-co-hol-ic" chant to Cabrera during the game last night--that's a tool-y thing to do, we disavow any association with knobs like that.}


How about you, Johan, since the guy we got in a trade for you made the playoffs before your new team did...how about we call the whole thing null and void and let you start game one or two? You could put on an Armando Gabino costume and pretend to be him. What's that, your arm is hurt...okay...

So...nobody expects us to do well, which is fine because we don't expect us to do well. Somebody called this an "all-time walkover" most of ESPN is saying its done in three or four*, the New York Times is no less confident in our demise. But rather than dwelling on that, or on how awfully awful the Yankees are (Click here, here or here for a refresher) Let's focus on how awesome we are, how great it is to have Joe Mauer's awesomeness shine through his sideburns, how Cuddy can play such good defense for a guy whose supposed to be in right field, how Brian "You Make Me Feel Like" Duensing has been adorably puppyish all season long, how our bullpen is le tired--but still manages to endure.


We have dread pirates, masters of supraction, ubermensches, pretty princesses, Or-Land-O' Lakes, and of course the Nefarious Dr. Cakeburn. We are rainbow of diverse awesom-itude.

The Yankees are just vampires--and though Vampires are hot right now, we can all agree:

P.s. Remember, we're being satirical...no offense is intended. Please contact bloggers if you take umbrage to any statements made, we don't want to make you cry Alex Rodriguez, and we are sorry that the world is so mean to you--maybe if you didn't play for the next week you'd feel better...

[*On further reflection ESPN, or more specifically Jim Caple, does defend us, writing: "How can anyone not root for the Twins? Theyare this year's proof that budget-minded teams can compete.....They rallied from a seven-game deficit in September and a three-game deficit in October....Face it, rooting against the Twins this fall is like rooting against the Rebel Alliance or Habitat for Humanity", and David Shoenfield says that Nicky P. is "like great poetry: You may not realize you're reading iambic pentameter, but there's something in the words that just flow."]

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Oakland A's

(Stinky is working on an excellent post, until she puts it up, here's this year's final Enemies blog)

Reasons we should dig the rancid blackened hearts of the Oakland Atheltics out with a rusty ice cream scoop:

1. Backwards ass lucky punks: The worst losses of the year have always seemed to involve Oakland. How have the A's bested us this year? LUCK. Blind, simple, clueless, DOOODAH LUCK!!!! Random happenstances, complete fluke pitches, blown calls at the plate--they haven't done this to anyone else mind you...just us. To hell with them, no mercy, none! *55 Loathing Points*
2. Miserly skinflints and Media Darlings: The A's are supposedly going to be made into a movie, because, after all, they win on a small budget! (Only....they don't....because we've kicked their butts in overall record for the last three years and gotten zip credit for it) The A's don't spend much money, they don't necessarily spend much money well, but when they do they get book deals and movies--while we get oblivious looks and mispronounced names on Sports Center. POO ON YOU OAKLAND!! *68 Loathing Points*
3. Empty: here's an interesting fact. When the A's lose, no one turns up to their games...when we lose we still pack them in. Hmm...which fan base is more loyal, and thus more deserving of reward? {HINT: It stars with an "M" and ends with an "innesota Twins"} *19 Loathing Points*
4. Steroids: Oh yeah, and when the A's were doing really really well...did that have anything to do with the fact that the leading steroid lab in the country was in their own backyard and used by many of their own players....hmmm...I wonder....*72 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should dig out the rancid blackened hearts of the Oakland A's through anesthetized procedures in a cleanly hospital.

1. Nobody gives it to you: Say what you will about them, they don't quit, which is kind of admirable for a team that has absolutely no chance of ever winning this year. Good on 'em, but why can't they do that in Detroit and Chicago? *-57 Loathing Points*
2. The Law: If we did all the horrible terrible no good very bad things that I would like to do to the A's...we would surely be put in jail, where it's hard to win any baseball games at all. *-65 Loathing Points*

Okay, I'm just going to say this--I don't care about the post season any more, I'm not worried about awards or batting title races--I just want to beat the snot out of the A's ONE TIME this year, just ONE TIME and I will call this season a success, 9 to 0, 16 to 1, 22 to -3 whatever.

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 92 Loathing Points

(+63 Loathing Points from Last Year)

Punishment: Clean up undergraduate vomit in Bowling Green Ohio for an entire weekend.

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Chicago White Sox

Shocking--I know, but I have some how NOT written an enemies post about the Chicago White Sox this year, and given the tumultuous pleas from you loyal readers I must needs write this, even if we only have two more games at the dome against the pale hosers of the Windy City.

Reasons we should bust a cap in Chicago's collective asses as our breath rises through the cold Minnesota winter and the warm smokey steel of our glocks burns through our mittens

1. It's what we do: There are only a few things that seem to happen every year. Gardy always goes ballistic in Kansas City. We can never do anything in New York City. Joe Mauer's side burns offer an effective source of warmth to needy Twins Cities families. AND The White Sox cannot win when they come to the dome (of course, we can rarely win when we go to Chicago--but I digress). We drive them utterly insane, we get all the breaks and they are left shaking their whiney little heads in dismay. Hooray. *33 Loathing Points*
2. Last year: As awesome as it is to win against the White Sox here, it was painful to not win against them in last year's one game playoff. It was even more painful to see them get swept by the Rays in the first round...I mean, c'mon! We could have done that!! It was a close game that we should have won and might have won if we'd played in Minnesota, it all felt vaguely unfair, and so, when they suffered defeat it was bitter-sweet--like baker's chocolate--only not when it's baked. *42 Loathing Points*
3. It's what we need to do: We've only got so many games left, and while both Stinky and I are quite sure that any trip to the post season would be short-lived, it would be nice to stick it in the faces of all those big market, big budget teams (I'm looking in your directions South Siders/MoTowners.) So it's victories we need, and what better victories to get than victories over our rival White Sox. *29 Loathing Points*
4. It'll make Chris Clark vaguely upset: If there is one White Sox fan whose existence we are actually dependent upon it is Christophe Clark. (I did not misspell that, his name is Cristophe--it's Swiss...punk.) He studied with us, laughs with us, jokes with us, has a link on his browser that titles this very site as his "favorite blog". He is, in short, our homie. So he ought to feel pain. *1 Loathing Point*

Reasons we should polite introduce a cap into the buttockal regions of the White Sox through genial conversation and perhaps some sort of tea party.

1. It's not nice to be mean to your friends: fine, Fine, FINE, Christophe! We won't make you feel (too much) pain *-1 Loathing Point*
2. Ozzie: Mr. Guillen is our biggest fan, and our greatest rival. He loves the Twins, thinks we play baseball the right way, calls his players losers and wishes he could have more players like the Twins have. He's also in the middle of managing a collapsing team to a less than cool finish--which means his job may be in jeopardy, which means he might be available to be hired in the off-season, which means, perhaps, the greatest buddy sitcom of ALL TIME!!!!! We shall call it "Ozzie and the Gnome" and it will be the compelling story of two rival baseball managers, trying to coexist in THE SAME DUGOUT!!! Tune in for the laughs, the cheers, the tears, the obscenity laced tirades as Ozzie and the Gnome strike out on an adventure as big as Major League Baseball, and as Epic as your imagination! OZZIE AND THE GNOME: Coming this fall to FOX!!.........oh, god, I'm sorry, so, should this make them more or less of an enemy? It's kind of a tossup, but I'll throw it in here with a scant: *-1 Loathing Point*
3. Mr. President: If you love America, you'll love the president's baseball team.....Okay, not really...but he somehow makes them less offensive than George W. made the Rangers, don't ask me how...*-4 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 99 Loathing Points

(+8 From Last Year)

Punishment: Being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to my feeble attempts to write the theme song for "Ozzie and the Gnome"

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Texas Rangers

Reasons we should crush, annhilate and cut up the Rangers as ancient Egyptians cut up Hippopatomi to pay homage to the Great God Horus

1. Our critical figures: After we played the Rangers the first time, terrible, horrible, no good very bad things happened. After we played them the second time, wonderful excellent delightfully magical things happened. They have an intense effect upon us--let us hope for a repeat of the second thing. *9 Loathing Points*
2. WE'RE THE PLUCKY ONES!!: Every year there's a team whose rejuvenation is a source of inspiration to multitudes of baseball fans. Rays & Brewers, Rockies & Indians, Tigers, Astros, Marlins, Royals, whatever...This year it's the Rangers--which is fine--except for the fact that we are always there too...and we don't get the same respect. *28 Loathing Points*
3. Ron Washington--Gardy Enemy #1: Speaking of the whole plucky thing. Every year Gardy keeps us over .500 with spit and duct tape, and every year a flash in the pan manager with sudden success beats him to Manager of the Year...this year it looks like Ron Washington will win that title. While he's probably a nice man, he's the wrong Ron. *41 Loathing Points*

Reasons to just bore the bejeesus out of the Rangers like ancient historicaly play texts bore me.

1. It's in our best interests: Okay--right now we're just starting to get back into the playoff race--IF we can stay in it (which we probably can't) we would be the worst division winner to go...which means we would play either the winner of the AL East (Yankees) or the AL West (Angels). BUT! IF the Rangers pass the Angels, AND the Angels stay ahead of the Red Sox THEN! We would play the Rangers in the first round! And we could win for sure then!! Also...THEN the curvature of the earth would change, a seismic whole would open up around lake Michigan, Ohio and Minnesota would suddenly be next to eachother and I could come home to see the people I love and watch playoff games!!! *-1 point--for sheer fantastical beauty*
2. Cesspool on the Potomac: as our fellow franchise in exile from Washington we're happy to share an alumnus relationship with the Rangers, and will be happy to share that with the Nationals in 15 years when they move to Havana. *-16 Loathing Points*
3. Bert: He was a Ranger once upon a time. *-27 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 34 Loathing Points

(+3 from last year)

Punishment: All Country Music Stations are Now 24-Hour-a-Day Enya stations)

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Baltimore Orioles

Reasons we should obliterate the Orioles like the first day of grad school obliterates preconceived notions of how easy this was all going to be.

1. We haven't beaten them yet: Shocking, but true. We got stuck in Baltimore on a rainy week in May. Were forced to play one game through a monsoon, and were so mad that we stank the net day too. This shall not stand! *18 Loathing Points*
2. Separate and Unequal: It's not 1930 era school houses--it's the schedule of the Twins in comparison with our Central Division Rivals (spare me the malarky about how we have an easier schedule now, consider this). We play the Orioles, woeful and miserable as they are a mere 5 times...The Tigers get 8 games against the hapless Orioles--The White Sox get them 9 times! That's basically 3-4 games where we have to play someone better than the White Sox and Tigers do--FOUL I SAY!!! *22 Loathing Points*
3. Bye Bye Birdie: What the hell is up with the birds on the logo? I mean, we just have letters...and when we're feeling ironic two muscly guys shaking hands over a river. The Orioles? The Orioles have 15 different kinds of their little bird guy. If Mad Men has taught me nothing else in the last three weeks it's to wait for an ideal concept, then wait a little while longer for it to be perfect. Then, you're golden! *14 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should quietly persevere over the Orioles in a way to make all other Grad students proud:

1. Frank Robinson: Classy guy--Member of the Alternate Reality Twins *-21 Loathing Points*
2. Didn't we just do this?: This weekend we whupped the Royals, which was nice, but they are the worst team in the American League. Now we play the Orioles, and whupping them would also be nice....but they are the second worst team in the American League. HOWEVER! Since we have not won many games recently, we won't be picky, just slightly disengaged. *-1 Loathing Point*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 32 Loathing Points

(+20 from last year)

Punishment: Read Michel De Certeau's "Writing of History" cover to cover, by tomorrow and have a 3 page paper written in sanskrit by Wednesday!

*Side note, in case you are (as I am) irate about uneven schedules, perhaps you might like to peruse a totally unfeasible alternative presented by ESPN....it makes sense--but of course, the number of institutional changes that have occurred as a result of some guy talking about it on some sports show is zero. But still...intriguing.

**Side, side note--Stinky is at the game tonight, so I will cede bloggering duties to her, Go Twins!!

Know Thine Enemy '09: The New York Yankees

We have said it and said it and said it again: The Yankees are Evil.

Here now, incontrovertible, totally irrational proof of that fact, in the list of reasons why we should eradicate the Yankees like the pestilential cockroaches they are:

1. The Steinbrenner's: Owners, Jackasses, Multi-milliondollar jerkwads. *82 Loathing Points*

2. Payroll: In a dip from last year the Yankees are only spending 201 Million Dollars. ONLY 201,449,189 dollars. Or, the same amount that it would cost for three teams of Minnesota Twins. So I'll make the following proposition, why don't we get two clones for every one of our players and face the Yankees on a level playing field? *65 Loathing Points*

3. History/Shmistory: The Yankees used to wallow in this whole "aura of excellence" and would rub everyone else's nose in it. They'd talk about how great their teams are, how noble, and patriotic and magnificent their history is. But  allow me to quote my mother who, while watching the yesterday's announcements of the All-Star Teams, said this in regard to the Yankees/Red Sox and their legions of ditto-heads: "I hate that! I don't care about the big market teams! I don't care about the Yankees with their commercials and their legions of fans! I'm a fan of baseball, not a fan of marketing!!"  She's right, at this point the whole "aura of excellence," is little more than a ploy to make the Yankees more of a brand for consumption than an actual team. You're a Yankees fan if you want to watch the triumph of wealth, not if you want to watch baseball. So shut up Yankees fans your "aura" your "mystique" are nothing more than inventions of the Steinbrenner's to get you to part with your hard earned money. *126 Loathing Points*

4. Vampires: In case this is your first time reading the blog, we will say it again: The Yankees are Vampires. Vampires run faster, jump higher, and hit harder than anyone else. The Yankees run faster, jump higher and hit harder than anyone else. The Yankees are Vampires! Learn to recognize the tell-tale signs by examining this informational poster. *365 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should take a karmic view of erradicating the vermin and simply let them live with us in peace and---AAAAAHHHH! IT'S TWITCHING SMASH IT SMASH IT!!!

1. Jack: I have a little cousin named Jack. He's a Yankees fan. I'm trying to help him mend his ways, but until I do, I will not cause him undue distress. *-250 Loathing Points*

2. Pacifism: Violence and hatred actually aren't the best and we should endeavor to understand our enemies. So we won't punch Yankees fans in the face at the game. We won't jeer them or taunt them. We'll just beat them. *-250 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 138 Loathing Points (A NEW RECORD!)

(+38 Points from last year)

Punishment: [EDITED FOR TIME AND CONTENT]

The Road Trip: In Photoshop

For anyone who would prefer an account of our road trip with fewer words and more pictures: consider this for you.

We began on the road to Milwaukee. And while we had high hopes for a Twins win to kick off our tour, we instead ran into Brewers Announcer Brian Anderson whose predictions continually went wrong...earning him the title: NOT-STRADAMUS

But at the game the next day we were filled with hope. Until we saw the massive frame of Prince Fielder, who tied the game with a big home run. We wondered how a vegetarian could be so fat, until we realized that souls do not contain meat...so Prince Fielder probably devours souls of his opponents.

One soul that Prince could never devour is that of our plucky lead off hero, Denard Span. And what we like about Denard...he really knows how to dance (particularly around the base paths and mid slide:After Denard danced over the Brewers, the Twins headed south to St. Louis, for the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny between Joe Mauer--the be-sideburned god of the Upper Midwest, and Albert Pujols--the Uni-browed Diety of the Lower Midwest. They would face-off once and for all...literally:

Mauer and his boys took 2 out of 3, but Pujols impressed us, even from a distance, evoking the kind of fear you feel when a lion charges you down in the savannah:

Or...maybe it was a panther from Thunderia?

Whatever the case: Albert was a bad ass, but he was also defeated. And as we drove across I-70 to St. Louis we wondered whether or not the sexy babe mudflaps could be replaced by the sexy master librarian, RA Dickey and his brand of mudflaps

When we realized that would never happen, we settled in for the game in Kansas City. But the tuckered out Twins took their stupid pills and started to lose. In an effort to motivate the club our beloved Garden Gnome argued with the ump...and then proved himself to be a creature from fantasy literature by vanishing just as suddenly as he began his argument.

So our hope was nearly lost...until we thought how surprising and distracting it would be to have Brian Buscher start the come back. I mean...you never expect Brian to be in the starting line-up, and you really never expect him to get a hit (let alone a clutch hit). I mean: No one Expects BRIAN BUSCHER!!!

And for good reason...he didn't do anything. And so the Twins lost the last game we saw them play. But they did win all the other games we saw, and 6 out of 9 on this entire road trip...which is very good. Now comes an intimidating home stand, with Detroit, New York and Chicago before the All-Star Break. We will remain faithful...and we hope you will stay tuned to see what the Twins manage to do.

Until tomorrow. Happy Trails.

Know Thine Enemy '09: The St. Louis Cardinals

Reasons we should suffocate the Cardinals like this sweltering heat wave sweeping through the midwest

1) There Can Be Only One: This year the talking heads have decided that the best player in baseball will be determined in one three game series. This three game series. In which our side-burned, sweet singing, glorious leader will be confronted with his greatest challenge ever: the unibrowed, omnihitting, God-fearing force that is Albert Pujols. For the Twins, for Mauer, for glory--Pujols and his team must be destroyed. *35 Loathing points*

2) '87 Redux: As Stinky and I know, the Cardinals were our mortal enemy in October of 1987, which was the first of the Twins championship seasons. And though we won that series, we fared poorly in St. Louis. Now is the time to prove that we can win in St. Louis--with a group of players who were between 3 and 8 years old when we first lost...*12 Loathing Points*

3) Joe Buck: The most onerous announcer in all sports got his start as the Cardinals announcer. Enough said. *82 Loathing Points*

4) Fame and Infamy: A little more than 10 years ago, the nation's eyes were riveted on St. Louis to see if Mark McGwire could out homer Roger Maris. A little more than 10 years later, thinking about the steroids and the scandal and the grossness involved in that episode makes us all recoil. On behalf of all those teams who did not juice. Revenge shall be ours. *21 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should just give the Cardinals a sunblock with a low SPF and watch them burn:

1) Jack Buck: The announcer responsible for: "and we'll see you here...tomorrow night!" perhaps the greatest announcement in Twins History was also the Cardinals announcer (and father of Joe Buck--but we'll forgive him for that. *-83 Loathing Points*

2) Frankie Frisch and Pepper Martin: Honorary members of the Old Peanuts From Heaven Gang--and besdies Pepper Martin used to put sneezing powder in hotel ventilation systems--what a scamp! *-28 Loathing Points*

3) Albert Pujols: Say what you will about the unibrow--the man is awfully talented and cleaner than the board of health. He's not Joe Mauer--but he is the St. Louis equivalent. *-17 Loathing Points*

4) Michael Jackson Died: So, maybe we should just sing, dance, and just not stop, not stop till you get enough. *-3 Loathing Points

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 19 Loathing Points

Punishment: Sketchy leers from sketchy men with sketchy mustaches.

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Houston Astros

Reasons we should blast the Astros into outer space, where no one can hear them scream or see them stink:

1. My, that's a lot of Backne you've got there: We here at Peanuts from Heaven are notably anti-steroid--probably because we never reaped the benefits others did. Sure, we had Juan Rincon pitch really well for 30 days, but we never had someone hit 756 home runs, we never hired two MVPs who admittedly used steroids, and we sure as hell never had two over forty guys throwing the best stuff of their lives. We had Brad Radke going quietly into that dark night and Boof Bonser eating Bear Claw after Bear Claw. But even after all the steroid mess got out, even after all the suspicion and taints and what not: the Astros went ahead and signed another ex-MVP whose name has been bandied about among the syringes. So...Houston, if you're expecting pity for reaping the rewards of baseball's biggest scandal since Pete Rose--don't hold your breath. *88 Loathing Points*
2. LOOK WHAT YOU DID: The Astros thought it would be a good idea to move baseball indoors...so they did this and we did this...ugly begets ugly--shame on you for tricking us Houston...you and your melifluous accents! *35 Loathing Points*
3. Speaking of ugly: This should never be inflicted on anyone ever. *16 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should tap the Astros on the shoulder and politely inform them: "Houston, we have a problem."

1. Yawn: During the Astros Glory Days (yes, the Astros, oh best beloved, had Glory Days) there was no more formidible tandem than Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio. Two men who played hard, lived well, and were so ungodly boring that no one outside of Texas could watch them play. That's pretty much the whole of the Astros team history. They're fine, they're just dull...nobody in the history of the Astros has the spark and spunk and general insanity that there is on the Twins (or that there is in Carlos Gomez's little fingernail). It's not like the Yankees where blandness is a virtue because it helps you blend in with non-vampires--it's just plain, old, soul-sucking banality. So we could beat them, but why? Their fans are too bored to cheer for them, their enemies are too bored to beat them, I'm too bored writing this to come up with a better jab than "Houston, we have a problem." So just lose Houston...we don't care how, just lose and take your boring...ahhhhhhhnnnn...I'm sorry, what was I writing? *-100 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 39 Loathing Points

Punishment: I would threaten you with line dancing to the Achy-Breaky Heart, but since that might be enjoyable in Houston, I will instead threaten you with learning the dance steps for Om Shanti Om.

(NOTE: I am not insulting Bollywood or Shah Rukh Khan--I'm insulting Astros fans who would be scared to death of this, now please pass the Kurkure)

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Pittsburgh Pirates

Reasons we should loot and pillage the Pirates with superior swordsmanship and the occasional swinging via long arm on to their dugout.

1. Where do you get off? I would call the Pirates ownership criminally inept--but that would be an insult to criminally inept people. The bungling, blundering, bufoon-ish cabal that runs the Pirates has spent 14 years running off every talented player in the city, and demanding that the city build them a new stadium to contend. Only once the new stadium was built the Pirates sucked only marginally less than they had before. 
   

(Meanwhile it took the Twins 6 years of contention to get a new stadium) The imbecillic ignorami which have systematically alienated the good people of Pittsburgh for over a decade must be dealt with, and I say we're just the team to bludgeon them senselessly until we bring about regime change. *62 Loathing Points*

2. Title Town They won the Super Bowl, they just won the Stanley Cup, if they win the World Series too they'd be like Boston--only far less arrogantly academic. *17 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should best the Pirates through adroit witticisms rather than brute force

1. Ownership? You know, millionaire owners are not affected by our wrath nearly as much as serious fans are. And Pittsburgh is full of serious fans. They deserve something better than total annihilation. *-14 Loathing Points*
2. PNC/Pittsburgh I've been there. It's awesome, particularly when fans stick it out through the rain to watch an extra inning walk off home run. *-8 Loathing Points*
3. Sid F#$@!%G Bream?!?!? I became a baseball fan when the Twins won the Series in '91. I became a baseball fanatic when the Pirates lost the NLCS in '92. Everyone else loved the Braves, I loved the Pirates--just to be different. They made it to Game 7 and they had it won. Until a back-up catcher, hit a bleeding single to left center and the slowest man in the history of baseball plodded home from second ahead of a sweep tag that I have sworn for the last 17 years GOT HIM OUT!!! The Twins taught me to love Baseball, The Pirates taught me it won't always love you back. *-49 Loathing Points*
4. Honus Wagner--Baseball's original badass. A trash talking, hard-core German shortstop with power and speed whose reanimated corpse we would gladly hire in a heartbeat. He gets little press but he was every bit as amazing and revolutionary as Ruth and Cobb, and for that we give Pittsburgh mad props. *-15 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: -7 Loathing Points

I can't believe I'm saying this...but the Pittsburgh Pirates are our Friend. (Or at least a frenemy)

Punishment: In a Peanuts from Heaven First--the Pittsburgh Pirates must merely lose...nothing else. (We'll even buy them a beer afterwards)

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Chicago Cubs

First this: I would not mind if the entire western coast of the United States slipped into the Pacific Ocean...except San Francisco...I have friends there...other than that, all the west coast, particularly their baseball teams who manage to eke out stinktastic wins over us by single runs when we DESERVE TO WIN THE FLUNKING GAME!!!!

Sorry...Cranky Pants returned, deep breath, think about Supraction and all its many uses...back to normal.

Now lets turn our attention to this weekend's enemy...I mean...opponent: The Chicago Cubs.

REASONS WE SHOULD ROLL OVER CHICAGO LIKE A BOULDER UNLEASHED FROM AN ANCIENT TOMB CHASING DOWN A GUY IN A FEDORA:

1. Smug, Smug, Smug: One thing was made profoundly clear to me by every Chicagoan I ever meet. White Sox fans are hard core. Cubs fans are too busy practicing feng shui to be hard core. Perhaps this story tells it best--when the White Sox win a division title they, city politicians, almost all of whom are Sox fans, blow air raid sirens to celebrate. When the Cubs won their division last year they asked why the air raid sirens weren't blown. Fire Marshall said: "We wouldn't want you Cubs fans spilling yer CHAR-DO-NAY!!!!!" *23 Loathing Points*
2. Whine, Whine, Whine: Speaking of Chardonay, it is a proven fact that the Chicago Cubs are enduring the worst championship drought in baseball history. How can you establish that fact? See anyone wearing Cubs regalia ever, and engage them in conversation for more than 3 seconds. You will almost assuredly hear them complain about this being the 101st season since they won their last championship. The one thing Cubs do better than gloat about success, is whine about failure. *46 Loathing points*
3. They had their chance: As students of baseball history both Stinky and I love the book Crazy '08, about the last Cubs championship. However, we didn't exactly love the Cubs. They were smug in the face of adversity and whined their way into playoffs--hey, somethings don't change--they also managed to best our beloved Honus Wagner. It may be over a century late, but for Honus let there be vengeance!! *18 Loathing Points*
4. The one true manager: Cubs Manager Lou Pinella has a reputation for being the craziest, crankiest, angriest manager ever. Ahem...your rebuttal Mr. Gardenhire? *5 Loathing Points*

REASONS WE SHOULD ROLL OVER CHICAGO LIKE FILM CRITICS ROLLED OVER THE MOST RECENT INDIANA JONES FILM--WITH AN AIR OF REGRET

1. Wrigley: Say what you will about Cubs fans, they know how to have a good time. Wrigley is party central, and it also happens to be a beautiful place. It's like a palace you can hold a kegger in. There's singing, there's dancing, there's polka--I'm serious--there's polka, it's incredible to see and experience. *-45 Loathing Points*
2. Maybe it will stop: If we all just let the Cubs win one, maybe they'll shut up about having not won for so long. Maybe they'll just become another team and we can all move on without having to hear paeans about their pain 29 times a season...then again, maybe they'll still be as insufferable as Red Sox fans. *-19 Loathing Points*
3. Dorkier...if that's possible: You know the "We're Gonna Win Twins!" song? Which will occasionally sing a little bit if we're in the right mood--and a little drunk? The Cubs have a song like that too--only everyone sings it, drunk or not, win or not, all three verses. That is how dorky the Cubs are...I'm a dork, don't get me wrong, but three verses of a cheesy 70s song dead sober? That's special. *-8 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 20 Loathing Points

(-12 Loathing Points from last year)

Punishment: One more incomprehensible Billy Corgan song.