Know Thine Enemy #13: The Oakland A's

Though it's one game late, it's still worthwhile to explain the reasons the Twins are so much better than the Oakland A's.

Reasons the Twins should rip apart the Oakland A's as thoroughly as Tropic Thunder ripped apart contemporary Hollywood.
  1. Moneyball: The Oakland A's had a series of very good teams in the early part of the 21st Century, owing to the strategies of wunderkid GM Billy Beane. Whose strategy was to use as many statistics as possible to determine the best/cheapest players and then sign them. The Twins also had very good teams in the early part of the 21st Century, owing to the strategy of playing well. Yet, the A's had books written about them and accolades bestowed upon them, while the Twins remain perinially overlooked. So, for Terry Ryan and all the other smart guys who were elbowed aside by mega-nerd Beane: *22 Loathing Points*
  2. Steroids: Yeah, the funniest thing about how good Beane's teams were was how many steroids they did during that time. Giambi. Tejada. Giambi (the one without the nasty stache)....hmm...so was it Beane's strategies that won games or Doc Severenson's Magical Tonic of Cattle Balls? Cheaters. *32 Loathing Points*
  3. The U-Haul A's: The A's will soon set a record as the only team in Major League History to go through 4 cities in their history. Philadelphia--too much cheese steak. Kansas City--too much ribs. Oakland--too many Raiders fans [shudder]. So they are now planning on moving into Silicon Valley, because technology incomes will never ever ever decrease....ever. I'm sure they'd feel guilty about deserting fans...if they had feelings. *12 Loathing Points*
Reasons why we should carefully rip apart the A's as daintily as a church basement lady suggests that maybe, sometimes, certain people aren't the nicest people in the world...occasionally
  1. The bond of the small markets: It's a common theme here on Peanuts from Heaven. I can't totally loathe a team so similar to our own. And much as I loathe Billy Beane, itchy-footed owners, and Doc Severenson's Magical Tonic of Cattle Balls, I acknowledge that the A's, like the Twins, have little money to play with and still do their best to put the best team possible on the field. *-28 Loathing Points*
  2. Alameda Pride: Stinky is an ex-Bay Area resident, and I know she still appreciates the subtle joys of a BART transit ride, so perhaps she will want to expand on that point. But for now allow me to give credit to my homie Pete, who simply loved to say, in the most soulful voice a glazed eyed Lutheran Bible Camp worker could muster "AL-UH-MEEED-UH!!!!". So for that, "AL-UH-MEED-UH!" *-11 Loathing Points*
Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 35
Also Known As: Parents who ignore their children...but answer their cellphones.

No comments:

Post a Comment