An explanation of the bullpen

Today was one of those great: "hey, wanna go to the ball game?" days. Made all the greater because: a) I had money to spend on going to a game, b) I had my little brother around to enjoy a game with for the first time in 2 years, c) my parents also managed to come...yes...my dad skipped an afternoon of work to watch baseball with the family.

As there was no television for today's game allow me to present the critical information.

Francisco was good but not great.

Randy Ruiz got his hand stuck in a jar of honey and announced "oh, bother!"

Our offense capitalized on a few bad pitches to get three runs across.

Opie Everett whistled dixie in bare feet out at the ol' fishin hole.

Our offense also struggled to remember not to stink when the bases were loaded.

And Livan Hernandez cried a single tear at seeing a victory in his beloved vests...though he was in Colorado at the time.

But most importantly was this insight into the Twins bullpen woes, offered by my little brother Simon, and I quote: "Dude! Joe Nathan LIVES for pressure! If it's a three run lead, he intentionally gives up a home run just to do the job better." Wondering if this was true, I used extendable ears to eavesdrop on the following conversation in the Twins Bullpen.

Boof Bonser: So I was like, "Dude, this is a Morton's Porterhouse PRIME steak! PRIME SUCKA! Only 2% of the beef in America is Prime! Of course it costs more!!"

Dennys Reyes: Obviously.

Brian Bass: Sigh...

Boof: What's wrong Brian?

Brian: I don't know, we're winning and all, it's just...

Boof: Just what?

Brian: I keep thinking of what my career counselor said to me when I was a kid.

Dennys: Did she say you should bottle beer professionally? Mine told me to open a chain of all you can eat restaurants.

Brian: Not really...she said I should avoid stress. That I worked best in quiet peaceful situations, and so I should avoid things like: Open Heart Surgeon, Air Traffic Controller, and Major League Reliever for a Pennant Contending Team.

Boof: So did mine!

Craig Breslow: So did mine!

Jesse Crain: So did mine!

Matt Gurrier: So did mine!

Dennys: So did mine! Though she said that the easy going field of big boy buffet restaurants was clearly up my alley.

Jesse: Joe?

Joe: Uh...yeah...

Jesse: Didn't yours say you should avoid stressful situations?

Joe: Uh...no.

ALL: WHAAAAAT?

Joe: My career counselor suggested I do things that cause most normal humans a high degree of stress.

ALL: WHAAAAAT?

Joe: If I didn't become a Major League Reliever for a Pennant Contending Team I was strongly considering either Emergency Medical Technician, Volcanic Eruption Luger or Olympic Calibre Platform Diver.

ALL: QUE?

Joe: It's like my old Platform Diving coach, Vladmir Dibiasi told me: "Anyone can do a cannonball and be happy. But the moment you perform an hand-standing 3.5 piked sommersault...that's the moment you truly become a man."

Boof: So I'm not a man?

Joe: No, Boof, guys, you're all great. You are good enough to be Major League Relievers for a Pennant Contending Team, I know it's stressful, but you guys are good...so clearly your career counselors were idiots. You need to stop thinking about them and start thinking about us. This is a great opportunity guys, I believe in you. Do the 3.5 pike...be as great as you can be!

Boof: But I like cannonballs...

Dennys: And I like clogging the arteries of the American people with a combination of bacon, bacon-wrapped eggs, and double baconized baconbits of bacon.

Joe: But guys!

Boof: I like cannonballs...

And so it is explained. Our bullpen can be friggin' awesome if we have a gigantic lead and the game is in no way stressful. Then the game must become extremely stressful in order for Joe to be all that he can be.

So remember this for your SAT kids. Joe Nathan:Greg Louganis::Boof Bonser:Burt the Fat Guy at the City Pool. {Not that I'm making fun of your girth Boof...we love you just the way you are...now, please, pass the double baconized baconbits of bacon.}