Know Thine Enemy #11: The Seattle Mariners

Before beginning this edition of our enumeration of the evils of teams whose names do not begin with an M, and end with an -innesota Twins, Peanuts from Heaven would like to give a shout out to grizzled prospector Mike Lamb for hitting a triple and gleefully dancing on third base shouting out: "Our goal!! Sweet, sweet, GOAL! First place, Yipeee-kie-yie-yeah!!"

With that here are reasons why we should slam the Mariners like film critics slam anything starring Ben Affleck:

1. Sloppy Seconds: The Mariners are actually the second team to call the Great Northwest home. First there were the Pilots, who skipped town when the cultural epicenter that is Milwaukee invited them to be the Brewers. If we can whoop up on the Brewers, the second coming of the Brewers deserves even more pain and punishing. *10 Loathing Points*
2. The lead: Now that we have the lead in the AL Central, why would we let go of it? Any team that gets in our way must be eliminated, destroyed and left on the side of the road to die an undignified death. So while I'm sure the Mariners players are nice people, tough. *15 Loathing Points*
3. Starbucks: I'm not quite sure how this relates to why we should beat the Mariners...but my loathing of Starbucks is such that I will use it as  justification regardless. *30 Loathing Points*

Reasons why we should politely inform the Mariners that while we're sure that they're trying hard, they can focus on doing things (like hitting, running, catching and throwing) better...then beat them:

1. Where Twins Pitchers go to Die: Eddie Guardado, Carlos Silva, when we're done with them they find their way to Seattle, eating salmon, listening to Pearl Jam and wishing they could be Twins again, then crying softly while watching FSN north broadcasts (wouldn't you be upset if you missed . Be merciful. *-7 Loathing Points*
2. Ichiro: Arguably the single most game changing player in baseball today. And he looks like a master spy/robo-future man. *-11 Loathing Points*
3. They Stink: Like the Nationals, like the Padres, the Mariners are bad, very bad. They have the worst record in the American League, and after being expected to compete for a playoff berth, have been a dismal failure. But I have to say, unlike the Padres, who got stung by a bunch of injuries, and the Nationals who have gone for a youth movement, the Mariners have no one to blame but themselves. They signed overrated players to outsized contracts. They perpetually gave up prospects for less than they were worth. They are bad at every element of the game, because they were bad at judging every element of their game. It's hard to have pity for a team that seems to stink on purpose. *-3 Loathing Points*
4. Grandma/Holly: Grandma Zoe MacKenzie is an M's fan. And a serious one. Last time I watched a game with her she told me reliever's ERAs, hitter's batting averages, and how much Richie Sexon stunk (a lot). Equally relevant, my friend Holly Hay is taking time out of wedding preparations to cheer for them. Why should we make a little old grandma and a bride to be sad?*-17 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 17 Loathing Points

Also Known As: A DVD consistently breaking down at the climax (EVEN THOUGH I'VE CLEANED IT 90 TIMES!!)