Auussie, Aussie, Aussie!


I'm sorry, but you see...I've had extensive experience with Australians the last few years. My boss was Australian, and he called me: "A ripe shite in the arsehole of the world." I had Australian students who, when asked what their favorite part of class was, replied: "when you were silent!"

Don't get me wrong, I like the jokes, and I like my Aussie "mates", but it was a little frustrating. And so, when I found out that Seattle's starting pitcher tonight, one Ryan Rowland-Smith, is actually Australian, I had one reaction--and one reaction only.

Mr. Rowland-Smith: please, please, please, take your suddenly good pitching, and Adrian Beltre's suddenly good bat, and all your dirty rotten Starbucks-sucking, flannel-wearing, body-odor-reeking, nappy-goatee-having...(wait, scratch that one), crazy-ass-train-whistle-at-the-stadium-blowing teammates back to the Matilda-waltzing, Kelly-Gang-Worshipping, Mel-Gibson-producing, didgeriedoo-doodling, barren-cultural wasteland of a native land.

Either that...or lose. You did a nice job giving up two runs a minute ago...but you still need to remove Mr. Beltre. I will withhold further judgement on your decency as a human being until the game ends.

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