So, I have a confession to make.
I haven't watched the last two games.
When high expectations didn't work, and low expectations didn't work, and disastrously low expectations didn't work, I was willing to try just about anything to help our boys win. If Gardy had called me up yesterday and said "look Stinky, I need you to eat liver and beans every day for a year, it's the only way we can win!" I'd have been happy to oblige. But he didn't. So I did the baseball equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears, closing my eyes and going "LALALALA"... which is basically I stayed as far away from TV's and radios as possible, only to check the score at 10pm and find out that my brilliant strategy had failed.

So, my theory is this - something happened in New York. Something so horribly, terribly upsetting that Gardy and the boys can't even talk about it. Something.... like this:

[In the clubhouse before the 9th inning, Friday may 15 - the Minnesota Twins are getting ready to kick some Yankee ass]
JUSTIN 'HOT PANTS' MORNEAU: Doo-do-doo-do-do, we are totally winning, gonna kick some Yankee ass, doo-do-doo-do-doo...
CUDDYER, MASTER OF SUPRACTION: Hey remember last night on Real World/Road Rules Challenge when that guy totally beat the crap out of that other guy? This is gonna be just like that... ONLY BETTER!!!
ALL: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly and without warning, the wall of the visitors' clubhouse is smashed apart, and as the cust clears, the Twins see Yogi Berra emerge through the crumbling cement]
MAUER: Uh... what? Yogi...are you OK dude?
YOGI: Oh I'm not really Yogi. I'm just that statue from the Yankee Museum.
HOT PANTS: Oh. That explains why you're like 8 feet tall.
YOGI: I am here for Don Joe-vanni! I must avenge my wrongful death.
CUDDYER: Dude you're still alive.
YOGI: AHA!!!! (Points at Joe Mauer) THERE HE IS!!!!
MAUER: Uh... but... you've got the wrong guy. I'm Joe.
MUER: But... wait! I didn't kill you! That's... this is ridiculous! Besides (points to Crede) his name is Joe too! And same with - (starts to point to Joe Nathan, then realizes what inning it is, and stops) um..... yeah that's all I got.
YOGI: Two Joe-vannis! MWAHAHAHA!!! I will now drag you down into the firey pits of hell!!!
[Yogi grabs the two Joes and begins to drag them, kicking and screaming, through the hole in the wall. Crede attempts to smash the statue with his super-smash capabilities but it is no use. Just as they are almost gone...]
GOMEZ: JOE-vanni! Joe!!! Joe, ju-Joe Joe Joe!!! (begins dancing around Dread Pirate Nathan) Joe Joe Joe, Joe Joe Joe....
YOGI: [stops] Wait... is his name Joe too?
DP NATHAN: [look of panic] NARRRR!!!!
GOMEZ: Yes it is sillypants!
CUDDYER: [to Gomez] Dude what are you doing we need him! Did you forget to take your nap today Carlos?
GOMEZ: Joe!!!!!!!! [Gives DP Nathan a giant hug]
DP NATHAN: Awww.... yarrr....
YOGI: JOE THE THIRD!!! MWAHAHAHA!!! [Grabs Dread Pirate Nathan, who attempts to slay him with a sword, forgetting that swords don't exactly work against hard, solid objects]
CUDDYER: But...we need him!!! Who's going to pitch the 9th??
YOGI: Oh um... well you're right. Sorry about that. Here, you can have this muppet instead. It kind of looks like him... it might not pitch as well but it's the best I can do. See ya!
THREE JOES: NNnnnnnooooooo!!!!!!!
[But their protests are useless, and they are carried off by the statue of Yogi Berra. Unsurprisingly, the muppet Joe Nathan does not pitch well and the Twins lose their lead in the 9th]

[The following day]
CUDDYER: Ok guys - we can totally do this! I know we're Joe-less...but we're not alone! We still have supraction, and Ze Ubermensch, and Hot-Pants, and Jason Ku-dubel. We'll be fine, no worries!
[At that exact moment, the statue of Yogi enters again through the hole in the wall]
HOT-PANTS: Dude.... seriously? Again?
CUDDY: You got all the Joes. Go away.
YOGI: Yeah I know but... it didn't work. It didn't avenge my death...
YOGI: [ignoring them] .... so I figured I'd just take everyone whose name starts with a J.
CUDDY: Wait you can't do that, you've got it all wrong! There's no Joe in Giovanni, there isn't even a J! This is completely out of control!
YOGI: Um.. yeah. Don't really care. Sometimes, when you add up two and two, you still get two of each.
ALL: Huh?
YOGI: Exactly. Goodbye friends.
CRAIN: But...this is a logical fallacy! Don Giovanni isn't even a man, he's a force of nature! A metaphor! I've read Kierkegaard dammit, you can't hide the truth! Mozart's version of Don Juan is representative of the erotic stage of...ahhhhhhh..... [his voice trails off as he is carried away].
DENARD SPAN: So... this sucks.

And suck it did. For the next three days.

All I can say is, it's a good thing I took Music 345 with Alice Hanson otherwise I'd have had no idea what happened.

So Dear Gardy - if there's anything I can do to help...anything at all... just let me know. I'd be happy to sacrifice a goat or drink 2 Nalgenes full of water in under a minute if it would help you win.

Love, Stinky.

1 comment:

  1. I am crying from laughing...so happy...so very very happy