Intrepid reporter Merlin overheard the following conversation in the Red Sox dugout after both MVP Dustin Pedroia and MVG (most vile goatee) Kevin Youkilis finished their warmups prior to the first inning.
Pedroia: I hear from Ozzie Guillen that this pitcher sucks!
Youkilis: I hear from the ESPN that we rule! [chest bump]
David Ortiz [sitting away from everyone, crying softly over his slowly dying career]: I would not say such things if I were you...
Pedroia: Whatever old timer...you just miss the days in Minnesota when you were all potential and no production
Youkilis: As opposed to now when you are just no production at all
Pedroia: OH SNAP! [chest bump]
Ortiz: You two don't understand...the Nick Blackburn you've heard of in scouting reports is no more...
Pedroia: What do you mean?
Ortiz: He used to struggle, used to fail, used to be another erratic young pitcher, but then, one day he learned how to harness the power of cake, and now...now...
Youkilis: Now what?
Ortiz: Now he uses the power of cake to bedevil hitters and render them utterly useless, feeble, groundball swatting turd piles...do not speak ill of that man, for if you do, the mild-mannered Nick Blackburn you all believe to be hittable will vanish and in his place will rise the nefarious Dr. Cakeburn, hurler of pastries and despoiler of batting averages.
Pedroia/Youkilis: Whatever, we're totally awesome, and we chest bump all the time [Chest bump]
...later in the first inning Pedroia is behind in the count 1-2, smiling smugly to himself, then finds a Little Debbie Zebra Cake thrown across the plate...befuddled, and hungry, he lunges at it, then pretends he did, is called out on strikes and doesn't even get to keep the Zebra Cake.
...Still later in the first inning, with Youkilis behind in the count 1-2, stroking his goatee smugly in the face of Justin Morneau he is startled to see another Zebra Cake pelting down at him, he too lunges, and he too strikes out.
Back in the dugout Pedroi and Youkilis look over at Ortiz who simply shakes his head and says:
"That's the power of cake M*****-******s"
Look at Ortiz's stomach, that man knows the power--and danger--of cake.
*Ps, yes, I know that Pedroia and Youkilis also got hits and Pedroia got an RBI double off of Blackburn, but the mopey whiny looks on their faces after the strike outs were just too beautiful--chest bumping knuckleheads.