It seemed that Ze Ubermensch would acquit himself surprisingly well, until Curtis "Crashing-into-Walls-is-my-middle-name" Granderson (his monogrammed towels are pretty big) hit a triple, and then again when C. C. i. W. i. m. m. n. G. feinted to home and caused a balk, which made my mother cover her eyes with her hands. And led to the following conversation in the duggout throughout the middle and the bottom of the fourteenth:
[Twins walk dejectedly into duggout]
Crain: What is that umpire talking about? Balk! What is the meaning of this word? To fail to stop motion prior to delivering a pitch? This is a logical fallacy of the highest order!! [Kubel singles, and Nick Punto quickly runs away from Crain to pinch run]
What is motion? The action or process of being moved, but moved through what? The rule is needlessly vague. [Span runs away from Crain to bunt Punto to second, and comes back to sit on the duggout steps rather than next to Crain]
I will grant that motion normally occurs through space, but what of time, what of the eath's rotation. We are all of us moving at all times. To come to a "complete stop" is impossible. [Tolbert dashes up to the plate, and singles home Punto to tie the game. After sliding home Punto crawls back to the duggout to avoid Crain]
Every second my arms move forward in the slow march of history towards their inevitable death. [Filled with this morbid thought Mauer grounds out then goes to call his mom to hear about happy things]
And given the earth's rotation, we are each of us moved, perhaps we are only moved millimeters, but we are moved simply by staying upon this rock. [Eager to hit Morneau watches four wide pitches for an intentional walk, but asks for four more just to clear his head of Crain's gobbledegook]
Furthermore. If motion is an action, then the failure to move is also an action. An act of inaction, that therefore negates the totality of "actions" and "motions" [Cross-eyed and bumfuzzled Cuddyer fortunately watches four balls go by to load the bases]
Ultimately, the combination of external forces as well as the self-negating definition of stopping ones motion (which, as I have shown is itself a motion) the previous run should not have scored and we should have already won the game, isn't that right Joe Crede?
[Crede is the only person sitting within 9 feet of Crain, as Carlos Gomez has stuck his head in a Gatorade jug and Delmon Young is warming up for relief, Crede can only nod his head and step to the plate. His brain full of complex thoughts and notions each more complicated than the last, rendering his whole psyche a whirling torrent of the cosmos and infinite meanings of man. Then he sees a curve ball]
Crede: CREDE SMASH!!!!WITH BARBED WIRE BAT!!!!!!!!! CREDE SMASH!!!!
Crede Smash, Crede Smash Indeed.