So, when I'm at work during a game, I am forced to rely on Gameday for all of my baseball knowledge. While it is nice to have an idea of what's going on, there's usually just enough information to make me totally frustrated. Why the delay? What's going on!? "In play, out(s)"??? HOW MANY?? WHY?? DAHHHHH WHAT IS HAPPENING????
As you can tell I'm a bit of a worrier.
The worrying is mitigated only slightly by making up stories in my head about what is going on. These stories usually involve fantastical things that would never actually happen on a baseball field, like alien abductions, or statue abductions, or Craig Breslow throwing strikes.
Today, I witnessed players and managers being ejected from the game willy-nilly, with no explaination as to why this was all happening. It drove me nuts. I threw a sharpie agains the wall of my cubicle. No seriously, I actually did do that.
I found out later that Redmond and Varitek were ejected for arguing calls at home plate, and Gardy and Francona were ejected for trying to have their respective catcher's back. But in my head, this is what happened:
[Tichenor makes a bad call at home plate]
REDMOND: Hey man -- you just made a bad call at home plate.
TICHENOR: [Turns slowly to glare at Redmond. His eyes are strangely red and glowing]. Oh?
REDMOND: OH YEAH! You have BAD JUDGEMENT!
TICHENOR: You do not want to make me angry. I have powers.
REDMOND: What powers, the power of suck? The power of unfairness and destruction of all that is good in the world.
TICHENOR: Alright, that's enough from you. Now you will know REAL pain -- [pulls magic megaphone out of pocket] PENGUINS.... ATAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!
[Rabid penguins suddenly flood the metrodome, appearing from the dugout, the ground, the sky, OMG they're everywhere!!! They consume Mike Redmond in a single gulp
GARDY: [bursts from the dugout] NOOOOO!!!!! Mikey!!!! Come back!!! Don't take him you bastards!!!
[Gardy puts up a good fight but is sadly consumed by the flock of rabid penguins]
TECHINOR: Heh heh.
[Later on - 7th inning]
VARITEK: You made a bad call again!
TECHINOR: You really want to argue with me? After you've seen what I can do? The power I weild? [eyes flash red again]
VARITEK: Dude. I play for the Red Sox. We chest bump all the time and we're totally bad ass, plus we get paid a lot of money. You can't do anything to me.
TECHINOR: Oh really? [Raises eyebrow]
[The penguins return in even greater numbers than before, and Varitek is gone within seconds. Terry Francona makes a desperate attempt to pull him from the massive pile of attacking birds but, not being quite as bad-ass as Gardy, is pulled into the fray within about 2 seconds]
And then we lost.
In other penguin-related news, I saw this humidifier at Target:
It's totally adorable. I might get one.