[The Twins are sitting in the visitors clubhouse at Chicago, bemoaning their sad fate after being slapped around a little by Gardy and chowing down on Twinkies.]
DENARD SPAN: Man... Gardy totally just yelled at us like we were little pansies. And look how much he scared Carlos!
[points to Gomez, who is curled up under a bench with his hands over his ears]
GOMEZ: I DIDN'T EAT THE COOKIE I PROMISE!!! *sniffle sniffle*
MORNEAU: Yeah... ouch dude. Well, I mean he has kind of a point - we are little pansies. [pauses] Well, most of you guys are little pansies anyways. The Joes and I are definitely not pansies, except occasionally Joe Crede. But mostly not at all. [sighs] I don't know what the problem is...
TOLBERT: Hey cheer up guys! I have more Twinkies!
BLACKBURN/CAKEBURN: Ooh almost like cake!
CUDDY: And I have the latest season of "Rock of Love" on DVD! Even if we don't win, we can still have a super-bad-ass time hanging out like bros and being totally awesome and adorable [smiles so brightly that some of the mirrors in the locker room crack and Carlos has to cover his eyes]
CREDE: I don't know...I feel kind of fatigued. Tired. Not quite myself.
GOMEZ: I'm sleepy....
MORNEAU: Yeah you're right, I do feel strangely iron deficient.
CREDE: Wait... haven't we been eating nothing but Twinkies for the last six days?
SPAN: You're right! Man that's no good at all, we need some nutrition! Matty, go get the spinach!
TOLBERT: [Blank stare]
MORNEAU: Um... you did remember to get the spinach right?
TOLBERT: Wait I was supposed to get spinach? WHY DON'T YOU GUYS EVER TELL ME THESE THINGS, ALL I GOT WAS TWINKIES!!!
CRAIN, ZE UBERMENSCH: The rookie is always supposed to get the spinach, Tolbert you fool! What will we do without our spinach - without it we're weak, fallible, and vulnerable to being crushed under the vast metaphorical shoe of any team with stronger hitting! BAHHH I CAN'T BE WEAK!!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!!?!?!?
SPAN: It's ok man...just...calm down.
CREDE: Wait! I have an idea! [all turn to look at him simultaneously] ...I know where the White Sox keep their spinach. If we sneak in, very quietly, I might be able to get some for us. But I'll need some help. Someone small and quick -
GOMEZ: OOH me!!! mememem!!! pick me!!!!
CREDE: - and quiet, who won't say anything stupid and give us away. So...not you.
GOMEZ: [sad face]
SPAN: What about Little Nicky Punto? He's super-stealthy and can grab things that are moving fast. You guys are two of the best fielders we have, besides me obviously... with the two of you working your magic we can't fail to get that spinach! Hurry, we only have 5 minutes!
[2 minutes later, in the Sox clubhouse]
CREDE: Knock knock!
THOME: Hey man! Uh what are you doing here?
CREDE: Oh I just came to say hi to my old buddies! Where's that little whippersnapper A.J.? [begins walking towards other end of clubhouse]
THOME: Oh I think he's right over - HEY OUR SPINACH!!!
[Crede has reached the White Sox spinach stash and grabbed several cans]
CREDE: Nicky, catch!!!
[Out of nowhere, Nick Punto appears, having hidden himself behind Joe Crede in order to sneak into the clubhouse. He bolts for the exit and effortlessly catches all 20 cans as Crede throws them towards the door]
PUNTO: Wheeeeeeeee!!! [Runs away]
CREDE: SEE YA, SUCKAS!!!! [follows]
[Back in the Twins clubhouse]
CREDE: Victory is ours!!! Spinach is ours!!! Yeah! [Breaks out a can and begins chowing down] I feel better already! Here you go Cuddy, you look so freaking cute I can't help but give you some of my spinach. [Shares spinach wtih Cuddy - totally adorable].
CUDDY: RAAAARRR!!! [Muscles on Cuddy's arms baloon up to a ridiculous size] Let's go kick some ass!!!
[Crede and Cuddy proceed to hit back-to-back homers]
TOLBERT: Uh so I guess you were right about the spinach. Twinkies are mostly empty carbs anyways...umm...can I try some? [Cuddy flashes him another blinding smile and passes a can of spinach. Tolber takes a bite] YARGGGGHHH!!! I FEEL INVINCIBLE!!! [Goes out and hits a three run homer]
[And the Twins proceeded to win 20-1, which just goes to show that if they'd had their spinach from the beginning we totally would have won all of those games. This is coming from the daughter of a nutritionist. Twinkies = bad. Spinach = good. Happy memorial day!!!!]