Let's debate it up! Starting with Catcher:
Sparky: well lets put it this way..there is no debate at the catchers position..Joe Mauer is who id take if i was going to pick a franchise catcher. Jason Varitek is a waste of air--I've seen cadavers with stronger arms.
Scruffy: Well thank you for making my case for me. First base?
Sparky: Well the way I see it is you've got Mr Canada vs Mr Jewish Greek God of walks, both great hitters, both decent fielders
Scruffy: But only one of them has a god awful goatee--and that man is disqualified Advantage Twins! 2nd Base:
Sparky: Pedroia, mvp, short firebrandy, but pulled a ryan leaf* by dissing his own town..that had to knock him down some points...who is your 2b? (*Sparky and I hate Ryan Leaf--he came from our home town and shamed us all)
Scruffy: It was Alexi Casilla, is currently Matt Tolbert and should probably be Brendan Harris...all of whom I love, but none of whom is an MVP... I cede the advantage to the Sox there. Short?
Sparky: pedroia is 5'8 supposedly
Scruffy: (Short Stop)
Sparky: oh. Well I’ve got mr julio lugo you have nick punto...julio lugo is so awful we cant trade him to the toledo mud hens for a bus. Punto is underrated, you trusted punto enough to trade jason bartlett away
Scruffy: Yeah....not the best idea when it comes to offense, however, defense is our strong suit and Nicky P makes it so that you have a three foot area that you have to try and hit the ball too Advantage Twins! Third Base!
Sparky: Well put together joe crede's back and lowell's hip and you've got a golden girl. Lowell is a world series mvp whose best years are behind him but he’s hitting well recently Crede well is joe crede
Scruffy: I say old accomplishments don't count. While both are fading hitters, Crede still has great range when he's playing the bag which means more or less any ball hit to the left side of the infield is gobbled up like a pork chop on Rush Limbaugh's dinner plate. Advantage Twins! Left field:
Sparky: Jason Bay is the s***, he’s canadian, and an alumunus of gonzaga university** plus he doesnt pee inside the green monster between innings and have dreadlocks like the predator. (**As is Sparky)
Scruffy: Wheras Denard Span thanks god for everything that has ever happened in the history of ever. Denard knows his place in the grand scheme of the World, and Mr. Bay, though talented is far more uppity. God blesses Denard, and by association: The Twins. Advantage Twins (spiritually) Advantage Red Sox (basebally) Center Field:
Sparky: well we've got one of three native americans ranging the cf for us, hes fast, he takes walks, and hes a decent fielder, plus his girlfriend is smoking
Scruffy: It doesn't matter, because our Centerfielder is of Velocoraptorian decent Given the way he screams and ranges to both his left and right and is beginning to show the ability to hit for power. So while I grant you that Ellsbury is good. I do believe that my Gogo is better (and a lot more insane)! Advantage Twins! Right Field!
Sparky: Well we’ve got another back problem. JD Drew, he can hit, he’s proven that he can do well in boston under pressure, including key hits in the 07 run to the title
Scruffy: Okay, so he can hit under pressure and hit well, he also can't field worth a dump. Wheras we have a Rightfielder who hits like a badass, fields like a gazelle, throws like Thor and does magic tricks.Advantage TWINS! DH?
Sparky: Papi cant hit
Scruffy: Jason Kubel can. Advantage Twins. Bench:
Sparky: well we've got some great guys on the bench our other catcher is actually greek and has found out how to catch wake's knucklers, we also have alot of aaa guys up cuz of kotsay and others on the dl
Scruffy: Whereas we have one catcher who has on at least one verified occasion taken BP naked
Sparky: Mike Redmond is so old he caught for Grover Cleveland Alexander
Scruffy: And a host of middle infielders who are so scrappy that when they take the field it takes the whole crowd one inning to figure out whose playing where, Plus there's Delmon...who can’t field or run that great, and forgets how to hit occasionally...I think Bench might need to be a push. Starters:
Sparky: well we have a world series mvp, a guy who beat cancer and threw a no hitter in the same year, a guy that uses the craziest pitch as his main pitch, a former dodger who's 4-1, and a guy from Jamaica right now, but we are sitting with dice k and smotlzy on the dl
Scruffy: I won't lie, that is formidable, However, we have a bunch of guys who through the ball in the strike zone, do not give up walks and pitch to contact...which given the strength of our defense is all we really need. They don't have the endurance that your guys do, but they get the outs they need and keep the lead and all while being far lest costly than Josh Becketts Man-tan.
Sparky: Yeah, Beckett’s man tan is crazy bad, I think its a push
Scruffy: I'll take that. Bullpen: HA! Red sox Win. Managers:
Sparky: Well Gardy’s been there for awhile...but two world series rings
Scruffy: However, your manager doesn't spend his offseasons in an old person’s garden, pushing a wheel barrow towards a well. Nor does your manager get ejected just for the fun of it!
Sparky: Tito is too calm
Scruffy: Exactly, it'd be interesting though if your team was managed by the guy from little big league. Advantage Twins! So I tally the score up thusly: Twins win at Catcher, 1st, Short, Third, Center, Right, and with the Manager, Red Sox win at 2nd, Left, and bullpen Starters and bench are a push. Twins 7--Red Sox 3 TWINS WIN! Thank you for playing. Now get out