Why We're Losing

You know what, I do not like the whole losing thing, particularly when it happens whilst we should be winning. Worse still, I cannot explain why we lost to one of the worst teams in baseball, and now we have to come home to face the flannel-wearing, bongo-patting, disgruntled-poets of the Northwest. Why, why, why?

Fortunately, I'm not the only one asking that question, as our intrepid reporter/pet Merlin discovered in Baltimore.

[After sneaking into the Visiting Locker Room, Merlin's tape recorder captures the following conversation already in progress]

Gardy:--and might I add !^!@#$^^!@#$!!!!

[Silence]

Gardy: C'mon guys...what's the deal?

[Silence]

Morneau: Uh...skip?

Gardy: Yes?

Morneau: Have you ever felt...unloved.

[Silence]

Gardy: Well...no....you see, I'm totally awesome.

Morneau: Well, yeah, obviously but--

Gardy: And you guys are awesome, so what's the problem?

Cuddyer: The fans in Minnesota don't think so...

Gardy: What?

Perkins: The fans in Minnesota can't stop talking about Brett Favre

Blackburn: They don't care about my pitching problems, so why should I fix them?

Crede: They don't care about my hitting problems, so why should I fix them?

Breslow: The only thing they care about is whether or not a 39 year old man can throw a football while wearing purple and gold laundry.

Gomez: I wanna be LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!

[Gomez sobs loudly, and buries his head into Fracisco Lirano's chest, receiving comforting pats from the starter while Denard, R.A. Dickey, Luis Ayala and Brian Buscher sniffle and have their lips quiver ever so slightly.]

Gardy: Hey, look guys. I know that it seems like no body cares about you, so there's no point in winning, if there's no one who cares about you. But I'm sure, that somewhere there's a group of people who don't give a flying fish fart about Fah-vray

Delmon: Fervor

Redmond: Faa-ver

Gardy: Whatever, somewhere there's someone concocting a silly blog or something about us all, because, to some people, we are so important that they would ignore civilized conversation with the rest of the entire state, just to have us in our life.

Gomez: For [Sob] True?

Gardy: For true.

Gomez: DOGGIE!!!!! [Chases Merlin from clubhouse, back to St. Paul, and hopefully back to respectable baseball playing]

And now apparently Farve, Faver, Favre--whatever, is going to stay retired--so it's back to the Twins, and all their glory (now, they just need to have some glory).